So it's begun. The holiday hints, nudges, shoves by my mother at how much my siblings would love to see me for Christmas and how much she can do for me if I show up.
Considering how...odd I feel right now? Like I don't even know if I want to to Zvi's for Thanksgiving, because I'm on edge, in pain, out of sorts, pondering spoons, etc? I just...
It feels superstitious to say I feel pre-warnings that this will be a bad holiday season and instinct tells me to hunker down and wait for it to be over. But that's how I feel right now. Find some books I can enjoy, have pizza and wait for January 2nd.
Obviously I'm depressed and it's cranking my lack of sociability ever upwards, yes?
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My hip has hurt for three days straight, and it's kind of getting to me. It's not a biting, omg need to vomit pain. But it feels wrong and makes me worry and overthink.
Also I miss DW. Yes I'm still commenting, but I miss the people that drop in to say *hugs*. I'm very much aware that it's a 'deal' to come to iJay and people tend to do so and catch up on a bunch of posts at once. The major thing is, however, the very reason I'm not over there (inability to save comments) makes missing it useless. Because I'd be there and anxious about not being able to save it, or just be xposting there with comments on here.
But it rankles a lot that some problem with my imported lj comments apparently isn't duplicable. It's the thing that originally made me go - hey this could get me just about 98% or more LJ free and pay attention to dw in the first place. And then it irks that you can't show comments but have comments closed. And it irks that you can't have comments open on individual posts if the comment default for the journal itself is 'comments disabled'. I mean Blogger has that. Since when has Blogger been on the cutting edge of the industry. They only figured out how to do easy jump cuts THIS YEAR. And it doesn't even work for everyone.
Meanwhile I've discovered/confirmed/reconfirmed my romance hot button trope.
But it doesn't feel very important at all given the hip pain. Seriously hip pain sucks. A lot. With rocks. Slimey rocks.
Also? Dragonage: Origins will never* drop to a price I consider reasonable given its skeezy race and trans issues *mental tantrum with fist stomping*
*[Note the dramatic emphasis]
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100 Things Restaurant Staffers Should Never Do; Parts 1 & 2
I read it all the way through and suddenly realized why as a child eating out in America confused me so much (because things were so different) and why I get so easily irked when I go out to eat now.
Here I was attributing it to me being anti-social.
'Are you still working on that?' - *grits teeth* Why are you calling the meal or the experience of eating it WORK?
And the constant hovering and pouring water that some people think is good service but which just makes my stomach tense up and cramp because there's no moment to relax without someone in your face all the time. I find nothing wrong with going out and treating myself to dinner, PLEASE PLEASE do not think, dear servers, that I need company and you're doing me a favour stopping by every five to seven minutes. I'm either reading, or enjoying the view and meal.
What's most revealing to me is the comments. People insisting they can never eat or work in a restaurant owned by the person who compiled the list because there are too many rules. People insisting that someone who has all their rules must be underpaying their staff, or that they're expecting a lot of work and formality out of minimum wage staff. As if how much you get paid to do a thing, dictates whether or not you do it well and properly.
Then there's the people who're all 'You'll go out of business if you give away recipes'
And the people who think the rules are obnoxious.
And the person who called it 'early 20th Century British servant manners' - as an INSULT.
And the people who can't tell the difference between telling a customer about dishes without stating which dishes are their favourite. I mean I only give a damn about the waiter's favourite dish if I'm trying to decide something and they say 'I'm a total chocoholic and I really like x'. In which cause I immediately know it's likely to be too rich for my tastebuds.
I finally found a comment that cements to me the general consensus of the 'WTF comments'
101. A Waiter will never, by word or sign, indicate that he or she believes he is a human being of equal worth as the patrons of the restaurant. When the Waiter accepts a check signed by the restaurant owner/manager, that proves he or she is inferior.
102. A Waiter will never, when off duty, off the restaurant premises, or anywhere else, act in a manner unbecoming to the restaurant. The Waiter is an ambassador for the restaurant and is at all time responsible to the restaurant for his or her behavior. The Waiter is permanently the property of the restaurant. So being quietly respectful, not presenting oneself as a diner's new best friend, allowing people to eat in peace and trying to be attentive to their needs is .... wage slavery? And then the US claims that it is a service oriented economy? And I find myself pondering the whole Sir, Ma'am, Miss thing. Though I'm not sure people say 'Miss' in the US. But the whole thing about Sir & Ma'am being cracks on age and not terms of respect? WTF? I know I've never felt more comfortable - unexpectedly comfortable- than when first visiting my step-family in Georgia and suddenly all the manners that got me labeled 'kiss up' etc in NYC, were just plain accepted. ETA: Geeze people. A waiter doesn't have to hover in order to be attentive and not seem to disappear when a guest/customer needs them. They can be at the front or the back of the dining area, visible when not attending other tables. It's not rocket science people! ETA2: Zvi was the one who clued me on minimum wage and how important tips were financially to American waitstaff. I grew up where tips were a bonus for good service. Given my reaction in general to American waitstaff service - I previously was not leaving any tips. Zvi still seems to me, to find not leaving a tip to be rude. But it's ingrained in me, deeply, not to pay for service I did not find desirable. And I'm ecstatic when service is such, I don't have to remember 'well, they probably don't get paid much and Zvi said it is helpful to the working stiff so I should give -something-'
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Is it me? or is Publisher's Weekly soundly putting their foot up it, right until it comes out of their arse when it comes to ignoring or bad talking female writers and readers and female centric genres?
They just got trounced on their 'best of' and now sucktastic title on a feature interview. Someone is snorting some extra strong powdered stereotypes over there.
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Hip Pain - > Often Caused By Sciatica
Sciatica - > Often Caused By A Slipped Disc
Slipped Disc - > When I Was Eleven
(Growing)Pain / Body Not Feeling Trustworthy - > Ever Since I Was Eleven
Back Pain/Spasms, Neck Pain Spasms, History of Migraines - > Numerous
History of Knee & Ankle Problems -> Numerous
History of Car Accidents - > Yes
Mentions To Doctor Of All Of This - > Numerous
Frustration At Having To 'Google' My Symptoms To Truly Know WTF Is Wrong With Me? -> Enormous
Urge To Punch All Medical Professionals In The Face - Overwhelming
Addtionals:
Fibromyalgia Related To Spinal Injury -> Yes
--
I am no longer sure I give a damn about 'professional' diagnosis if I can find deeper explanations on why my body's been falling apart for years. And I've spent too much of 2009 trying to tell myself I'm not lazy, and I'm not tired - I'm reacting to pain and that's why I'm avoiding things/doing less. I originally filtered this flocked, but someone else journaling about their experiences actually helped me get to this point. So passing the verification that this IS happening forward, I guess.
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News courtesy of Viridian5 - Lyrica causes SUICIDAL THOUGHTS.
My uneasiness at the casual prescription the first time the doctor suggested it, had me greatful it was getting the long approval process from my insurance. Then this second time she brought it up all 'Oh sciatica and nerve damage are helped by it' - uneasiness made me not pick it up.
Come my next appointment there is going to be a LOOOONG ass conversation and possibly me shopping around for a new doctor. Old therapist reccomendation or not. Cause WTF? I even asked her to list the side effects. She pulled her her little digital pharma guide and said 'Sleepiness'.
So that shit needs updating and she needs talking to for NOT updating it and MORE.
Shit. Not trusting a doctor means I'm less likely to go to appointments. Shit shit double shit.
Maybe I won't even wait till our next appointment. I might just leave her a voicemail or hand deliver a very pissed off letter.
G'damn 2009. I am so done.
PS/ETA: My uneasiness btw came from online research of the product where suicidal thoughts did not come up, but other side effects did. I took my doctor's claim of 'sleepiness' as her saying 'the major side effect' -- I... yeah, still too angry.
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... Was a total failure. I went to bed at 9, woke up at 2am and then crashed at 9am and slept until 3:30pm. I know some of this is the fault of my anti-anxiety medication. But whoa.
PS: Perhaps I should take a page out of America's books and never name anything Operation ______ unless I want it to fail.
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From here:
Topic: Glee (tv show)
...And then having a show claim to be empowering while in actuality being....
I'm not even sure, some combination of mocking, callous, ablist and - is there even a word for the ablist equivalent of the KKK? Because the wheelchair character is an actor in crip drag. But now Glee's canon has a character who was in crip drag.
And seriously outside of Tales Of The City by Armistead Maupin, which I haven't even re-read or rewatched as I've become more aware of various social injustices, I have never seen a storyline with societal and familial consequences to black/brown-face. Black-brown face, yellow face as well, (Avatar:Live Action ignorants aside, and Shirley Liquor & a few other clueless people) is usually acknowledged as a BAD THING.
So the word offensive doesn't seem strong enough for what they've done with that female character (Tina, yes?). It is easily the equivalent to me of someone casting aside their crutches and claiming they'd been faking for years to avoid dance recitals and going to parties. Or claiming they'd been faking cerebral palsy or lupus or MS or Lyme disease or blindness or bi-polarism for YEARS because crip drag is the best way to handle their social anxieties - with the implication that comfort and/or pity was some kind of fricking bonus.
And the further shit-eating of assigning stuttering as the easiest disability to fake, even a child could do it.
Yes, claiming that singing is natural speech therapy for those with certain speech difficulties has always pissed me off (my tripping over words happened there too, it was only easier to fake it -wasn't- happening if I was in the chorus and could just try to keep the note but essentially be ahhh-ing along or just move my mouth).
Crip drag in the very 'A Special Brady Disability Episode' simply reinforces the ablism.
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Out of nowhere associations come. Except it's not really out of nowhere at all.
I'm currently in mild shock. I just commented to someone who was upset about Glee; apparently on top of the very special episode, someone is revealed to have been faking their stutter. Someone who does stutter on dreamwidth exploded with rage and I went to comment to tell them I'm really sorry the show punched them in the gut. I don't watch it, but all year long I've been dealing with letting go of media because I don't want to be hurt anymore.
The unexpected associations came because I brought up the period where my tongue tripped over my words as a child. It wasn't quite a stutter, but it was definitely something my mother found very annoying. As I thought back to how it'd felt then, when my mother was angry about it, wondering why I did it, talking about attention etc, feeling all those emotions - I suddenly realized why exactly it is when I'm highly upset and end up switching, it's to someone who does not, cannot speak. I've always wondered how that happened.
Now I know.
As well? Now I know why I'm such a looking forward kind of person. Some emotions and memories are definitely better left in the past.
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My sleeping for most of two days? Post update from someone on my flist announces we've been getting the tail end of hurricane weather. My sleep crashing for most of the day? Self protective.
I think I'm going to risk putting a weather add on to my firefox because remembering to check weather.com does NOT give me the same innate awareness of what's gong on outside. And even if I had windows in this room, I've lived with windows before and not been able to tell by casual glance outside, much more than cloudy skies (which in fall/winter is a semi permanent state).
Also, my 'shoulding' myself...
In the same 90 min phonecall with my mother she apologized for having gotten on my case for my entire life, about sitting up straight in chairs. I tend to lean forward a lot and half slouch. Turns out it's because I've always been trying to sit on my thighs and not on my butt (issues with coxccyx and sciatic nerve).
In terms of shoulding myself - the mental 8-track of 'Lazy, lazy, lazy, good for nothing, can't even sit up straight' hits so hard and so loud that the concept of pain; recognizing pain cannot be consciously heard. So apparently my unconscious takes over and knocks me out to sleep it down until things are better.
And here I thought I'd been catching those thoughts. I've apparently only been catching the sparkly easy to see ones. Not the ones carved into my psychic flesh.
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| 2009-11-12 10:57 |
| Badword Badword Badword, Badwording the McWord Badword. |
| Public |
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Who sent me the link for this bit of tremendous multitasking fail? I finally got around to reading the comment at the bottom - because it took me a while to read the post on top. And good gravy maisy - it seriously makes me want to cuss.
I am also refusing to click the trans fail links. And the intersectinality sucks links. Basically all the 'feminist' links.
White Cis Het Feminists - Are Bad People.
That's my new rule.
Bad People Make My Blood Pressure Rise.
So Willow No Lookie.
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Ok, my brain is just way too exhausted to do as much research as I'd like. So flist, is anyone on here techy? I need to buy a new monitor and I'm thinking of a refurbished widescreen gateway lcd (and getting a two year replacement warranty). I currently use a crt monitor, set to 120 dpi and there's a cat in the house, so there's some worry of sneaky desktop investigating while I'm asleep; there's been mention of a wobbly stand on the gateway.
Good, bad, indifferent?
I hadn't originally wanted a wide screen, mostly because I do other things besides watch movies on my screen. But right now I'll take what I can get at decent pricing.
I'm also hesitating because quick searching did bring up that people who'd been having similar visual problems as myself with lower dpi's are fanswooning over 1600x1200 resolution in 120dpi. The above mentioned gateway? 1440 x 900. I've no experience, really (a few moments on my local library's newest setup is the only thing that comes to mind) with anything bigger than 1024x768.
I'd really like insight on the difference, since if I stick to refurbished monitors, the difference is likely to be only $10 more.
I want to do right by my eyes.
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This is a complete surprise to me, but then again it isn't, because it's been building for a while. I just didn't realize it. I don't miss the cliques and I don't miss the never ending celebrity comms (oh heavens no - if we all could be spared that forever, cause really a million seeming people all wanting to be Paris Hilton is just dead wrong).
What I miss is how GJ stretched me. I can recognize that part of what I'm going through with my writing at the moment, or rather the lack of writing, is stress. And juggling stress shuts down the part of my brain that's creative in a certain way. Heck these days even suspecting there might be stress shuts that part down. 2009 has been exhausting. I write this out now because I'm liable to forget in three days just how exhausting it's been; break down in tears tiring and done and gone and y'all can have earth and the stupid cause I can't take it anymore exhausting.
But GJ stretched me in amazing ways. I was so angry at some of what was going on, and so fed up with never seeing certain kinds of characters that I created them. And I was looking for something today on my computer and found myself searching through old files and it's begun to hit me just how creative* I was then. I'm staring at these character profiles and the faces I'd found for them and I don't know if there's a place for them in anything else I write, but I'm suddenly so grateful that I thought them up.
There's a whole mess of characters of colour and characters over thirty, one char in a wheel chair (for which I'd researched Boston's public transportation system and then forgotten that I was aware that Boston's subway system sucks for anyone needing mobility assistance). There are gay teenagers, a latina model, a band with albums, album covers, and I believe song titles. A band! There's the teenager on the autistic spectrum, the male character dealing with Fibro & Lupus, and the Hawaiian girl who was half South Asian, half East Asian (hmm, does the term hapa apply there?).
And of course a multitude of Xmen characters, some genderswitched, and the usual assortment of deities, demons and demagogues (huh that should be a story title). The tomboys and just plain bois. And... I totally forgot I had a transexual character - probably because no one accepted said char to any game.
Hmm, I'd probably be second guessing myself if GJ were still around, at least this year because it's been that kind of year. But that doesn't make me miss GJ any less (or at least the positive aspects of the experience) or feel less grateful. It'd odd to realize that it was part of my baby steps towards a particular kind of activism. If no one was going to recognize that the whole world wasn't white and tab and cis and het, then I would. And whether or not I ever made anyone slap themselves on the forehead for not thinking of the possibilities beyond WTaBCH, I felt better for breaking up the visual monotone.
This was a nice counter to 2009. I need to remember it when the next strain of foolish runs around that has me despairing that anything I write will ever make a difference.
______________
*ETA: Creative in terms of the multiple characters and in depth background & histories not in any terms that suggest it is creative in itself to ever think of/up social/ethnic minority characters.
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It's is a very bad idea to listen to lyrics.
Dear Mary J Blige
What does a man buying a woman material things have to do with her falling in love with him and him treating her like a woman? Since when were love, identity, and sexuality for sale? Since when could they be bought with shoes and a bag?
Also wth is up "Now I only want to do what you tell me to." Like? What the hell? Who owns your sexuality here? Or is this more about a woman's place? Huh?
**feels ridiculous for having the music for going on 2 years now and only just having the lyrics pop out**
Ok. I'm gong to bed. I must have my head screwed on wrong. Cause I'm all "Shake down, I'm robbing you for your love, don't put up a fight." Just keeps making me go WHAT THE BLEEPING F*CK??.
So clearly it is not that the world is filled with messed up messages about human interaction and just that my brain's wired weird and somehow sleep will fix that. Or maybe just closing my eyes and being horizontal.
It's magic.
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I feel mean, or rather I was feeling mean. When I heard about the newly married couple stranded in Germany because Expedia.com told them they wouldn't need visas for Russia; I couldn't help pondering Americans and international travel and lack of awareness. I just couldn't. I've been traveling since I was a baby and there's a hard edge of privilege there of 'How could you not double check that???!'. It's possibly also blended with "America is Not Rome!" and also "Are you a Commonwealth citizen? No. Is Russia a Commonwealth nation? No. Then WTF?"
But I felt much less mean when I heard that once the whole hullabaloo fermented, Expedia compounded matters by not switching their tickets over to any other destination, refusing them emergency visa assistance that was within their power to do and only paying a third of their overnight hotel stay while things were sorted out.
So many thoughts in my head, chief of which is 'always get a name'. It can be difficult to remember, I know, because for many things it won't much matter. But someone stating in an authoritative manner their expertise on a subject where you know nothing - demands writing down a name and the time and date of the call.
The other thought in my head the more I thought about things? Expedia's greed. Booking a flight to a country that requires a visa, without knowing whether or not the customers have the visa and then making that booking nonrefundable? That's not customer service. That's a con game.
Somehow or the other business practices have forgotten the concept of the repeat loyal customer and just go for "fleece 'em while they're standing still" as if the customer base is so huge, the market so big, that it doesn't matter how many people they piss off and cheat, there are more newbies waiting in the wings. This business practice seems even more irrational to me in this age of iPhone, Twitter, Facebook & Blogs. A company's name can get out there, and gain a disreputable notoriety in a matter of hours, given the right organized base. Who is actually big enough to withstand that? I mean if even Amazon went "Oh crap, we just shot ourselves in the foot with a lavender gun"; Can Expedia really afford to have twenty-somethings associating them with horrible trips, international abandonment & strandedness and mean officials who make brides cry?
Really?
That's their marketing plan?
ETA: My mother just mentioned how in countries outside of the US, one can't even get a ticket bought (to the US) without proof of a US Visa.
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Do. Not. Read. Boy's Love Fandom Thoughts On Rape In BL & Yaoi.
Just don't.
*shudders*
It's like a convention of Polanski fans.
( Memorable WTF Statements )
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Haven't read all your comments, I am sure someone has pointed out that part of the reason the Japanese elements disappear is that the Japanese elements are seen, by a lot of those consuming the animan(ga/hwa/hua) as fantasy elements already; due to them seeing the characters as white.
So of course it's noteworthy when someone brings (back) the Japanese culture to fanworks. And of course they feel perfectly validated transferring the stories of the, in their minds, white characters to a (white) setting that is more comfortable and pleasing for them.
I just flat out do not read fanfic anymore, have cut it out of how I fan, because it tends to immediately drop the characters of colour into background flavour and/or erase the non white history of the piece completely.
Having intentionally thrown myself into anime this time around (as opposed to a more passive interaction as a child) I'm even more aware of how intentional the ignoring of the Japanese(and other Asian) cultures is; The Tale Of Gengii comes up as legend being quoted in other works via style or plot (sometimes even in the author notes). The various periods of Dynasty for each country in that region also come up - at least, in scanlations. I've observed that American English publishing rights via varied publishing houses, come with a white-washing and American culturalizing 'for a broader audience' or 'to make it more relevant' that neatly slots the Japanese culture that cannot be cut and Ameri-culture grafted on, into odd elements, leaving them to become aligned with whatever supernatural or fantastical elements also occur in the genre as a whole, if not in that specific work.
I've had it explained to me, that for the most part, voice work acting for dub is a chicken scratch industry where part of the Americanized voices is failure to act and part of it is bad direction in attempts to convey dialects and locality accents which ends up further giving the impression of whiteness; because of the underlying 'white is the default' alongside familiar Midwestern and East Coast, Surfer Californian & upper crust British accents. (And yes I know that a British accent doesn't automatically mean white. But I also know that Britain has more than one accent in the first place).
For my own part I've observed a difference in translation of intent in dialogue, such that character traits come across as American exceptionalism and NOT as traditional Japanese virtues. But I've done some reading lately that makes me think that while industry neglect or lack of talent and funds may well be a factor, a likelier or heavier factor is, again, intentional (and likely very much taking advantage of any neglect). Because anime and manga are brought to the US to be consumed, and marketers have determined and actually have a stake in perpetuating 'everyone in the world is just like the US, but with a few quirks'; because it makes things simple and the simpler a thing is, the more easily it can be consumed.
Thus essential Asianess, whether it is Japaneseness, Koreaness, Chineseness, and others, etc... is presented as similar to Midwesterness, East Coastness, Southerness etc... a geographic peculiarity with local legends and quirks that is essentially American.
This is not a new tactic. The British Empire thrived on this; women making saris into 'sari cloth' and having their very British dresses made from it. The spices of the region becoming a peculiarity of some British taste, vs it being the cooking hand of a completely different culture, etc. It is Colonialism plain and simple; though instead of the header 'We Will Make Them Just Like Us', it is put across as 'They Are Already Just Like Us'.
A Colonialism of the mind is much more palatable than occupation and enslavement of a native population. Let those thought of as 'Others' be seen to 'freely' give you their resources; via treaties, loan agreements, the building blocks of a global free market etc... Let those who are under your rule think of those resources as their right, thereby creating the market's need and sustaining your current practices.
All that is left, is to marginalize the voices who do not believe the creative endeavours of another culture are theirs to exploit as they will. Have them mocked as taking things too seriously, being too PC, being over sensitive.
---
And now an aside: For those who will want to comment to me that I am being too oversensitive, too PC, taking things way too seriously, it's just anime and wow, look at how I'm claiming some kind of conspiracy - I say this. Capitalism does not need to be a conspiracy as it is already a well established THEORY (of economics), with several schools (and schools of thought), and many published works. It has fermented rebellion and overthrown dynasties. It has condoned slavery. It has started wars and prolonged occupations to. this. day. Why on earth would I claim such a thing was a SECRET?
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It is late. I am in pain, would like to sleep but can't. And something flits across my surf of the internet and turns into one of those last straws.
Here's the deal, the next time someone says "It's not like I'm a Nazi wanting to exterminate the Jews / It's not like I'm a KKK member / It's not like I'm __ insert whatever extreme hate group they want to use to benchmark their own isms__"; the next time someone says something like that? I suggest your reply be this.
"Yeah, it's not like an abusive spouse is a serial murderer; it's not like a violent cop is Josef Mengele; it's not like a school yard bully is someone who abuses and kills dogs!"
Cause what they're doing is another form of Oppression Olympics. Only the competitors are the actual oppressors. And they believe they or whomever they're defending didn't even get the bronze; so why are you even saying anything? So it's a good idea, to at least state publicly what the fuck it is they're doing with their twisted logic.
Cause seriously?
"It's a Halloween costume, is not like someone kidnapped you and placed you in a living SAW movie." Is someone who is not you, trying to measure your pain, heartache, discomfort and rage. And y'know, doctors can't even do that shit. That's why they came up with the frigging PAIN SCALE (it is a clearer way of taking the patient's word for it). So a non medically trained person definitely needs to SHUT. THE FUCK. UP. And if they are medically trained, they do not deserve their licence.
And before someone comes and tells me how white people/ straight people/cis people/able bodied have pain too; Y'know what? a) I don't care and b) not like in my (or your) head they don't. They don't feel the personalized, history compounding experience that is mental scar tissue on me or you.*
Cause again? Benchmarking? IS IGNORANT.
The fibromyalgia having individual, does not compare his or hir or her discomfort to the chemotherapy cancer patient. The person with the broken leg, does not compare themselves to the person who had to have invasive surgery. When physical pains are understood at least part of the time as individual and unique in both circumstance and person it is pure willful ignorance to think psychological pain doesn't as well.
[Current pain due to lack of social justice: immeasurable]
______________________________________
* This statement is about what they lack to assess things. A lack that often has them deciding on what is or is not painful based on what they feel, all cocooned in the cottonwool of said lack.
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Despite my grumps and bad mood, I realize I've let something slip in error.
Happy New Year, Blessed Sahmain
All of my pagan flisters and who knows, possibly some lurkers too.
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So...
Figured out why I was so drained and depressed last night. My littlest brother's called me every night this week to chat and I could hear the house mess in the background behind him. That added to my dislike of the phone and not really being all that chatty on a daily basis (it's a spoon thing) likely led to low energy, drained feelings and emotions -> la la la depression.
Mentioned this to my mom to ask her to get him to email me. But she pointed out that he doesn't get much attention from his other siblings because they're teenagers and he's not. And despite my 'omfg' of last night concerning his animals, he got up on his own this morning, and fed them all and watered them all and cleaned the bird cage and took his dog out to do his business. And apparently told mom that I had put him on a schedule.
I definitely need to figure out now, how to balance my introvertedness and spoon juggling with positive effects of my presence on littlest brother who's all 'I haz a sister and she luuuuuubs me.'
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NuKirk apologises to the wrong Orion. On the one hand I'm glad someone decided 'Yeah, let us NOT put that into our final product'. On the other hand, it got filmed.
And I post about it here just as a reminder to myself of why I do not want to get involved in NuTrek fandom past a few icons.
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Likely distractions from pain and emotional drain and energy issues ( I ordered out, did not decide to starve until I could cook tomorrow and feel better now.)
Like I mentioned before, I like small spaces and read Tiny House, Small House blogs. But I've found myself thinking two things a lot in the past few days as I was getting re-caught up in that section of the blogsphere. None of these houses are designed with disabilities in mind. Apparently if you are disabled it is just too bad for you that so many house plans & designs involve loft bedrooms, no wheel chair or even cane manueverability and the thing that bugged me the most - absolutely no disabled access into the damn house in the first place.
All this thought on maximizing space and dual purpose this and how a person lives that, and green living and energy conservation, and tens upon tens of STAIRS.
The second thing I noticed is how very few people of colour I see involved in the small house movement who aren't 'Those poor people in Brownilla Country Where It's Hot'. White people; get back to basics, pare down, have a small house movement and live less cluttered and ostentatious lives. Non white people are just poor, the dear things.
The thought's been floating around and around in my head that you have to be 'white' and 'privileged' and 'well off' to live a simple life that's called a simple life and not the result of lack of effort & ambition. And when someone on a blog challenged the cost of workshops to learn how to build these tiny houses, they got dogpiled on and told that such and such deserves to be able to make enough to mind his family, and it's a service not something free and there's nothing wrong with making money.
Just like I have no doubt they'd stutter and stammer and stare if someone pointed out all the houses being oohed and awwhed over are impractical for those with disabilities
I also discovered this week that the American West had a culture, a sheep rancher culture, that created caravans that were structurally a lot like Rom Caravans of the early 19th century. And considering that the caravans had a European start, it does make sense that the style would go along with European immigrants attempting to 'settle' the West. (One of these days I need to write out my thoughts on confusion on how a land can be settled that already has people on it. Since I was small I've been confused about the Louisiana and Alaskan purchases because how can you sell something you don't own?)
But back to the 'Small House Movement' - where 'Gypsy Caravans' are showed off, with plans and designs, as possible 'Studios' and 'Meditation Rooms' (Isn't that a clash of appropriations) and 'Play Houses'. They're carved and brightly painted and beautiful and stolen.
What's yours is mine and what's mine is mine. The melting pot. Everything must go in to be shared with everyone. Except the things we the powerful keep for ourselves as precious to us.
American the pickpocket, the hug and handshake to welcome you to the fold, that robs you shamelessly at the same time. And isn't it quaint you thought your belongings were only for you and not meant to be picked over like wares at a fleamarket with certain less 'shiny' things insultingly marked down.
They're not fully formed yet, my thoughts on the specific rejections and the specific acceptance that is co-option and dilution and secularism. But I'm beginning to understand some of my exhaustion.
There's only so much 'don't think about it' a person can do, right?
And there's only so much one can take, to see the death of a pregnant mouse get more sympathy than the tasering of a pregnant brown woman.
Hmmm. I think I need richer and more filling than what I currently have, to feed my soul. Actually I think I'm tired of picking glass out of my mental vittles.
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| 2009-10-28 09:44 |
| Because There's A Poor Tax |
| Public |
| note to self |
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Should still be sleeping, but my mother called over an email I exhaustedly typed to her last night about Bank of America Shenanigans. While talking to her I found my own notes and realized the reason I didn't go through with switching banks is because the plumber invasion happened and I'd been unable to think beyond the basics.
I'm not gonna rush around like crazy right now though because I'm exhausted and in pain and liable to make a mistake
But so far MECU looks viable - though it won't enable me to have a second account primarily for online transactions.
ETA: I appreciate that my mom -made- herself get off the phone, because she realized all she'd be doing is cussing about the state of things and I didn't need the stress. Unfortunately I still feel stressed that stuff happened because I wasn't in a place to stay on top of things. And now I can't go back to sleep because my stomach's in a knot.
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My little thoughts on performance of gender, possible owning of desire and how that might be playing out in the Twilight Series thus that it attracts teen female fans - has been picked up round and about and also on LJ's Meta-fandom and I've had two idiotic comments.
One telling me that Jacob was the nice safe boy and that couldn't possibly be racist. And another blubbering something about motherhood and hateful single feminists.
Y'know, Meta-fandom should probably do whiney privileged white women (and other malcontents) the favour of letting them know their ignorance is not going to be appreciated at the linked site.
Two comments of shite is more than my blood pressure needs to handle.
Actually it's three. The first commenter claimed to disagree with me, then agreed with everything I said and started talking about points not under the topic of discussion. It was either a poor attempt at a strawman, or a serious inability in the process of analytical thinking.
ETA: And the race comment and the 'you single feminist bitch' comment are BOTH from 24.228.89.97, if your LJ really is bicrim.livejournal.com you sure aren't classy. I'd say New Jersey sure can grow 'em - but I know cool people from New Jersey and everything has aberrations. And who knows, it might be a mask.
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Look, if you put the word 'Ghetto' into your title (60 Black Ghetto Names), and then claim the list contained therein your video 'Is not racist. It's only a joke' - It's racist, ok. It is. And you're just trying to get by.
If you write the name D'Neijah is: a lovely, traditional African name from the exotic African ethnicity -- You may not be racist. But you're sure as hell IGNORANT.
If you think that you don't want to give other people (teachers, child's eventual friends etc) a hard time learning your child's name and stumbling over it -- You have somehow become the parent of the world and not your own offspring. How'd that happen?
If you think D'Neijah: Will be hell with computer scanned forms because there's no place to put an apostrophe so such a name will cause the. entire. world. problems. You are suffering from a severe lack of imagination. Oh yeah, you're also racist.
If you think D'Neijah: Sounds like a black name, not that there's anything wrong with that. Except, it has to sound like VAGINA and who would name their child that? -- Get thee behind me honkey.
If you write the name D'Neijah is: ... a terrible name. It's right up there with all the other names that sound like women make them up at the spur of the moment! Where on earth do people think up these new names? I tend to think they are high on something when they do! I can't imagine calling a baby by that name or others like it, plus the fact of going through life with people trying to pronounce them! -- Congratulations Racist McRacist Pants! You have won Racist Lotto! Feel free to pick up your hood and sheet at any time, because if that's the only racist you can see, that's the way the world needs to dress you up for the clarification of others (so they can avoid your ass).
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I am not yet a member of ecominded_poc on DW (have no idea how that's happened) or I'd post this here.
I love small homes. I think it comes from growing up in small homes (chattle houses and caribbean apartments). I never did understand why people wanted such large houses during the housing boom here in the US. Really, do you need a den AND a great room? Those things seemed like mansions to me, with people trying to come up with modern names for 'servant's quarters, formal ball room, informal ball room' and having 'formal dining room, informal dining,' and 'eat in kitchen'. WTF? Why?
My love of earthships follows along my love of small spaces (reconfirmed with my current apt which I fell in love with because of its small size and full amenities). But I just tumbled to Por Fin Nuestra Casa. It's an organization trying to make homes for the forgotten out of all those unused shipping containers!
Apparently it's not the only set, according to a quick perusal of Tiny House Blog, but they do seem not to think it's a -shame- for a house to obviously be a reworked trailer. Unlike this example which comes across more as an eco status symbol than a way to provide affordable housing at low cost for all and/or a way to re-use end products currently being considered as waste (ala Earthships and tires) and transforming them into housing.
More Shipping Container homes here and here. Both those links are search results.
Meanwhile I find myself noticing that a shipping container is not so very different from a train and sometimes are even on trains/part of trains (oh yeah, that's the double good of them. Mode of transportation - already built in). I've always thought it'd be cool to live on a train. Too much reading as a child, I imagine.
I'm also worrying thoughts about status, wealth and who needs ostentation - but they're not fleshed out at all.
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| 2009-10-23 19:42 |
| Twilight & Other Creepy Thoughts |
| Public |
 contemplative |
| thinky thoughts |
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I think I've figured out the appeal of Edward Cullen.
So I'm reading Female Chauvinist Pigs: Women And The Rise Of Raunch Culture and I get to the part about interviews and interactions with teenage girls (yes, white teenage girls, but hear me out - cause I'm also curious if this phenomenon is universal for all girls in the US, or if ethnicity and culture counter-balance)
The author talks about girls conflicting pretty with sexy (I may have mentioned that in an essay somewhere at some point) but the point she raised that I hadn't thought of before, is that between the media crush to be sexy and the abstinence only programs with a 'hush hush, you don't need to know about that' - she thinks girls have no idea of their own sexual desires. They don't know what wanting feels like, they don't know what being sexy FEELS like. They only know sexy as performance with returns of attention.
And suddenly Edward Cullen made so much sense as a heart throb. I don't know if Stephanie Myer knew this when she wrote, or if he and that relationship really was more an unconscious product of her upbringing. But Edward Cullen is a boy who
a) does not require a girl give a performance of / have the persona of sexy
b) in having that requirement, thus allowed Bella to feel want and lust and yearning
c) saw nothing wrong with Bella having those desires, but respected/loved her and so wanted to wait (sex was not the end game)
It's startlingly to me to contemplate that Edward / Bella is the romantic story of the century (at least right now contemporarily) because the heroine is aware of, and is allowed to feel her own desire and have her own sexual wants outside of the social act of the new female/feminine performance of pretty and the hero gives a damn about it.
But that's not the creepy part. The creepy part is that suddenly the Urban Fantasy genre, despite its, to me, soft core presentation, begins to make sense/be feminist/seem political. These characters are women in leather with guns who allow themselves to feel both arousal and power.
Obviously not everyone will do that well. And some (LKH) will in fact lose sight of that in all the combinations of screw partners and unpolished writing. But UF as a social response to the message that girls are sexy and act sexy but never mind their pretty little heads about feeling want, desire, sexual or sexually empowered for themselves - that is, not thinking of themselves as experiencing sexuality the way a man might - makes sense, even as I sigh and scowl and pout at realizing it is actually serving a social purpose.
UF, showing women they don't have to give up being sexual beings to have power, and that being a sexual being is about a woman's own desires, not her potential attractiveness to a man.
Who'd a thunk it? (I'm betting at least 20% of my flist actually. 'Cause sometimes I'm behind the curve)
ETA: 10/27/2009 - Anonymous people showing up in my journal talking about how 'safe' the male of colour character was in the Twilight series and how they'd never before encountered the noble savage buck who protects (or tries to) the white woman, even from herself - your comments will be deleted. Get the hell out of my journal space and go read an educational book on race and colonial theory.
ETA 3: Twilight fans also need not reply here talking about hateful single feminists (I'm not a white, middleclass cis het woman, so how the fuck could I be a feminist) and who knows what other hogwash. ETA 2 is a comment down below about ignoramuses being deleted immediately.
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And two comments from 24.228.89.97?
The first one telling me to chill on race, and then when I don't, I get a second full of vitriol and inability to rationalize?
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| 2009-10-23 10:45 |
| Willow Observes That Entitlement Is A Tricky/Sticky Trap |
| Public |
| i hate people, wth? |
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When someone calling themselves a feminist uses the terms: evil cunt, Evil Stepmother, etc... to describe how they think other individuals are seeing or treating them - for me at least, it makes it plain that they have an agenda in representation. Mainly they want the other party to be associated with negative words and phrases because they believe the other party to be negative and nothing will change their mind.
It is also difficult for me to see the difference between someone using those terms to describe themselves and someone using the terms; racist and KKK member to describe themselves when having an argument with someone of colour about racism:
I am not the racist you paint me to be, I just subscribe to this point of view and believe I was treated to 'reverse discrimination'. It is also difficult to believe they aren't enjoying the fight when they start to attack an individual's style of writing and how they phrase their thoughts. In my case it has led me to second guess why an individual has been treated certain ways by others. I do not know that there is any further dimension, currently private, about the situation that will change my opinion about one particular older white feminist being a jerk.
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Hybrid Cars May Add Car Tones.
As someone who finds most vehicles far too loud, the thought of silent/quiet cars enthuses me. And now I learn that people think that's a problem. And rather than spurring new auto-safety protocols, movies, ads, promotion etc, they're going to add car sounds on the quiet cars.
So apparently the hearing community can't learn anything from the deaf community about how to relate to traffic. They need fake engine sounds. And there's even talk about personalized car tones, like ring tones.
Another - for the sake of the general population - idea that makes me feel more and more alien in my rejection of it.
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Fines for 'disorderly conduct in school'. Fines? Tickets? First people get tickets for being 5 minutes tardy on the way to school in California to the point where parents keep their kids home if there's any possibility they'll be late. And now tickets in school? This is how counties/states are handling the recession or what? Is this just a Texas thing?
How out of it am I since I'm avoiding a lot of the news? What the heck else is going on out there in American-land?
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Damnit. Everytime I try to peek out at the world, all I see is crap spiraling down a blackhole. I don't want to be uninformed about my environment but it is bloody depressing. Even the uplifting stuff is depressing, because it's usually about how one individual has managed to overcome some tentacle of the crap monster.
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indescribable