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| 08:06AM | Thu, May 17th | 2012 |
| From Internet Flicker To Red Light Failure |
| Public |
| -- |
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My internets has gone from bad to broken, very broken. And I keep calling and they keep saying - oh, we've figured it out. They have NOT, figured it the france out. I am disappoint and frustrated and sad. I had plans today. Eff.
WTA: Apparently there's going to be a service technician coming out to the house sometime today - supposedly. WTFF? I dn't even understand.
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Want to get something for myself; food isn't an easy option. Pondered computer things. Felt stuck between waiting to possibly buy a new computer - or get memory for a several years old one. Haven't bought before for same reason. Sat here, thinking, thinking, and this time around it occurs to me that when I think buying a new computer - I don't think 'buying a new computer. Even though the one I have currently, is due to my mother, buying me a new computer. Prior to that, however, I'd BUILT my own computer. Painful long research, buying parts, putting it together, having a not bad at all system.
So even though I get bored easily with video games; they do so intrigue me. And I think, maybe, perhaps, it is very possible - I get caught up thinking of game specs and not of the fact that the majority of the time I do certain very specific things WITH my computer. And would like to do other certain very specific things (like have virus check going on WHILE I'm on).
But the complication there is? When I think about things like that? I wonder why I can't just improve the memory on this 'senior' computer - which could/would likely do the job. Because it is doing, heaven's bless it, what I need and want it to do - for the most part. And everything else feels like a semi-hazy fever dream.
And THEN I start thinking... Oooh, laptop. For those painful days when being horizontal would be a huge, huge boon - with bonus to stay online. And split the budget to get a router for wireless access.
And my brain starts going places and going places.
And then OTHER places like -- would I really use the laptop? When? how? And what about all those harddrives holding important information that I've yet to install in this current computer. It's like I leave pieces of myself behind everytime I switch computers. Makes me less inclined to keep an INTERNAL HD, even though it is faster.
I admit, while I find technology fun, I'm still a basic person. I'm thrilling to my 'newer' phone. And going yip, now I don't have to think about trying to add things to my kindle, and keep it for reading and 3g net access. I think I can quite recognize I'm unlikely to be a 2 computer person. Or at least 2 main computers. Maybe a main desktop and a very small, light notebook for those pain filled, need to be horizontal days?
But I almost don't know how to judge myself. I really don't. Cause a huge part of me, would truly find it, something, to find a more comfortable chair set up,than get a laptop. Some part of me, recognizes technology has moved on, AGES AGO (I played around w/ a laptop in highschool for pete's sake) but still thinks in terms of 'the kind of needs/ for the kind of money'....
Old desktop, main laptop?
I don't even know if trying to negotiate all these thoughts is a uniquely multiple thing.
Huh, all this, from wanting to treat myself, while in the doldrums and the supermarket being out of sorbet.
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| 08:26AM | Mon, May 14th | 2012 |
| Oh Hormones |
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You were invited to this party too? And no one told me? Well, eff you. Eff you, shiv you and fry you in oil.
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| 04:54AM | Sun, May 13th | 2012 |
| Distracting My Brain |
| Public |
 bad day |
| bad days |
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Have you ever just wanted to mush two things together to create a new (and to your mind - amazeballswonderful) thing? Like, for me? I'd love to mrge my phone and my sansa fuse into one device. I like having a keyboard for texting, but I'd rather have something easy like a scroll wheel (still a button, not a precious, breakable, omgwtf touch screen) for menu options and surfing etc... Nice, small, proportionately light, fits in my palm comfortable, doesn't make me tense up muscles to use.
The other thing I'd want to merge together? Messenger bags, backpacks, straps that have pockets and 'purse fashion colours'. Cause geeze. I can make one compromise, but not two. And the purses (when I can locate one colourful enough, and large enough) just, don't look sturdy. And don't have enough pockets. I have realized it is not so much I need a large carry-all container. As much as a fair/medium sized one with LOTS AND LOTS of pockets. Because I have a lot of little things to carry with me everywhere. And well, I want colour. Colour is important. Lack of colour is very, very boring - like how USians have very bland, brown and white and beige houses, occasionally red (if brick or siding - sometimes even yellow. Oh, yellow). And y'know, well padded shoulders, that align well w/ the back and distribute weight well, while offering easy access without having to take it off, and spin it to the front to access well needed pockets.
Hmm. Sling backpacks? (*looks*)
ETA: Nope, not pretty enough. Not colours enough. Arrgh.
--
And yeah, freaking out over spending money on my mother; despite trying to balance budget and her personality and the reason I'm playing 'nice' etc... I keep counting how many lamb dinners it'd have bought me. There's just something about the EXPECTATION of gifts (tribute) that really upsets me and I'd seriously forgotten how fucking much.
Sometimes, really? It hits me, just how much STRESS I've lived with all my life, and how easy it is to trigger that set of thinking.
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It's mother's day. It's arse o'clock in the morning, but it's still mother's day. And I survived other mother's day by thinking of all the amazing mothers I know; Karnythia, Kita06, Zvi's Mum & Aunt. But my mother called me yesterday to remind me today's mother day and to demand a gift. Or as I like to think of it; tribute.
I haven't bought a gift for my mother for mother's day, for more than 10+ years. I think at some point in the last couple of years I might have managed to send her a card. Maybe. Usually I treat myself to something special and either leave the house and relax in a bookstar and buy something, or go out to lunch or something. I care for me on mother's day; care for the aspects of myself that desperately needed mothering and never got it. I have a lot of thoughts on that, all wrapped up together - sparked by conversations I've observed online about black mothers protecting their children and being care-givers but not necessarily being able to the tenderness perhaps desired because of their own traumas, because of the battles they were facing; intergenerational trauma compounded. I know I love my mother (can't help it), while respecting and loathing her at the same time. And it's all complex and spun around involving the ways in which she did stand up for me, have my back and push me and the ways in which she utterly failed me, refused to see me and physically and emotionally damaged me.
It's complex.
And, this year, she wants tribute. And this year it's the first time in a long time, the very thought of it being mother's day makes it hard to breathe. There's this skin crawling, scratch inducing heavy weight - just from those simple words. And her 'assurance' that it's the 'thought that counts'. But y'know, I have until next week for something to arrive in the mail.
And I hate it. I hate it. And I know, I know I could just ignore it. Ignore her. Call her, hold my breath and never send 'tribute'. But then what happens? She's still a node to cross to interact with my siblings. And I made the decision to keep dealing with her for access to them.
But I hate this... mode. This frantic running around like a headless, self-harming chicken trying to think of what could 'please her' and thus allow me to live (emotinally) for another year. I've only fucking well just worked up to bying her Christmas and Birthday gifts again. Just last effing year. And now this? That was my mistake, wasn't it? Buying her a gift, setting up expectations. And now. Now this - horror.
And this after a day where I ended up doing phone call running around, because ven though we both have issues dealing w/ people on the phone. Somehow... 'can you do this for me', and me doing it - isn't a 'gift'. It's 'daughter responsibility' / 'sister responsibility'. And fuck. I hate that such seemingly little things, aren't. Aren't little. There are boundary pushing and self harm activating and make me want to eat charcoal and vomit for hours.
Ugh.
ETA: Tribute Purchased. My brother needs go get to college in Sept. I can't fuck this up.
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| 01:09AM | Sun, May 13th | 2012 |
| Eff This. New Rule |
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| wtf!, wth? |
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No More Hitchhikers To Vegas, No More 'Naps'. No More Sleeps In The Day. Cause it seems like any sort of lay my head on a pillow results in total beddy-time, whether I want to or not. Whether I've eaten or not. So I just need to stay the eff up, even if my nose slams the keyboard, until a reasonable hour to go to sleep. Cause all this rest is happening unmedicated - so it seems obvious that there's an emotional component happening here. And I bloodly want SOME control over my life. Some. SOME!
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Early arse morning in the middle of the night, world. My nap; my nap turned into 'knock out'. But here I am. Up! And with a request. Could you recc me some really, truly, sucky books? Nothing that sucks because of isms, lack of diversity representation, or because they did something awful with sex or the like. But just, sucky. Just, WTF IS THIS SHITE, sucky/ HOW DID THIS GET PUBLISHED, what?!
I'm following a course of action suggested by my therapist. I'll let you know btw, if it helps. So, books where I will not be even remotely invested. Books where perhaps, I will not be moved to give even the smallest crap. Maybe even textbooks! During our conversation, I floated the possibility of books on cars; if you know of any? Point me to them? I'd appreciate it.
I'm not sure if fanfic would work the same way. I guess it'd have to be for a show I'd never give a damn about one way or another; and where both the show and the fans aren't indulging in some kind of ism. To me that seems very unlikely - and then there's still, unless it's gen, going to be sexual/sexual attraction things going on.
I know I've asked for reccs before, privately/personally for good safe for me books. This is a completely different tact. If you're afraid to publicly say 'I found this book crap' - then NO FEAR. All comments will be screened! I have to admit, I'm too paranoid to take a recc from an unsigned anonymous comment post. But all comments are screened. So point me to the boring? The badly formed; keeping in mind my parameters of no isms and not having to deal with sex/sexual attraction stuff.
Who-ever thought you'd get to recc text books? I know some of you know some proper boring, crappy textbooks. The kind of things that if they were written about making toys - even Santa Claus would not be able to finish them.
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Have discovered one source of pain; not THE source. But A source. Apparently my clothes are just a little too big. A little too big enough that I'm trapping limbs in them when I sleep, putting enough pressure and friction on them, that I wake up with sore spots and (before now) no idea why. And as joints with their convenient bendy points, capture fabric; it's been bizzare to have both random spots of burny soreness and pain and what felt like bruising. And what felt like very odd joint issues. Am I doing the same thing when I'm awake? I don't know. But I definitely do not self-correct/self-adjust in sleep. I think my sleeping self just deals with pain by not moving the limb; which might not help much if the pain is caused by it being trapped.
In other news, this severe weather alertness; barometer up to 30 and 31 is also contributing to pain and the end result is, my sleeping schedule is all messed up; a combination of taking things for the pain, and just not wanting to be awake (unconscious thoughts) when I feel like crap. Also, having to be horizontal to deal with the pain, just sends me to sleep. I've spent YEARS training myself that that position is FOR sleep. So... uhm... The opposite of insomnia? Or a little offshoot of same?
Cat is a demanding furball as ever; pet me, feed me, love me, groom me.
I... I've been avoiding answering my phone for a few days. I am so damn grateful right now for texting. I just texted my mother; cause she left an 'OMG I Didn't Hear From You!' Even though she called me on Sat. And then forgot to call me back. But texting means I don't have to deal with her when I'm avoiding people. Why am I avoiding people? I'm not certain about that one. I just am. I'm proud of myself for checking messages. It's probably pain related. Lately it feels like I think I've discovered the why of something, and a few hours later; there's another aspect to it all. All this... pain... stimuli.
In fact I've been feeling a little on edge and wary of things in general; this close to being over-stimulated by the stress and unhappy (and ismist) crap in the world. I need to find some more joys. I have a few little spots; but I definitely need more so I don't feel like a walking wounded raw nerve - when I'm conscious of how I'm feeling. I'm finding myself very, very amazed that people who are all in their feelings, all the time, simultaneously and also have time to do other things. How do you do that? I find it exhausting; feeling things, processing the feelings, recognizing what I can do something about and what I can't. So much stimuli. Is it as exhausting/energy using up when it's all good? Cause spending good times with ppl I care about also drains me; though so far that's included a bit of travel and other adjustments. But damn.
If this is a case of 'I need a higher dosage of my current thyroid medication' - I should probably leave the house tomorrow for a same day appt, with a hopefully non sucky medical practitioner and start that ball rolling. But right now? I am so heavily into eff the world. Heavily into it.
And that's not even counting my sudden dislike of chicken. Maybe I made too much soup this past week? Maybe it's getting warmer and my body wants different fare? That's possible, right? My body does recognize two seasons, and the heat of 'dry' usually means light, quenching food? Or at least, lots of mauby. Annnnd now I'm missing peanut drink so hard, and doubles and phalourie - though, if I had the energy I could probably make some of those. I'm not allergic, I don't think, to split pea flour.
Oh! And a friend offered to get me a medical alert... thingie. And I've been spending ages trying to decide what I really want and would likely always wear/be unlikely to forget or resent - cause what I find pretty and what works for me, is not always the same thing. And I think right now I'm pouty because what might actually wear might be too expensive for me to feel comfortable accepting as a gift. So... Mental processing for that too. Also? I've mentioned before that OMG so few lines to mention so many things? (3 lines, 22 characters?) -- Hmmmm.
Also have I mentioned how much I long for the ability to pick up the phone and order delivery as both perk and treat and not having to cook when my brain isn't into it and what I have in the house I'm so not feeling? And having it be corn free, gluten free, nightshade free, dairy free, nitrate free, sulphite free and egg free? As just the basics?
**flops**
And I don't think I have enough carbs currently in the house; since the supermarket last month sent me bananas instead of plantains and I cannot bring myself to eat the remainders; especially considering I've only ever liked my bananas yellow-green and these are definitely not greenish.
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| 03:39PM | Sat, May 5th | 2012 |
| Cats Make Great Heating Pads - When They're Willing |
| Public |
 sore |
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The morning started off with a text conversation with my mother (and a separate one from Zvi. But that one doesn't contribute to exhaustion). I still havent' finished the one with my mother, cause I said 'eff it' and went back to sleep. Only my mother would get a msg saying 'gonna have a lie in, but am ok'. And then proceed to grill me me about why I had to add 'am ok'. Etc...etc...etc...
In other news, got the xrays done yesterday. Will find out on Monday, I guess, if I call to talk to the unprofessional script writing twit. But something I found Friday morning, helped me even get to the appt. About how to focus on making sure my pelvis is properly aligned, and that my leg swings freely when I walk (hip flexors, etc...) and that I'm standing tall and straight. It cut my pain in, at least, half, just doing that. Thus allowing me to do the necessary walking via the bus route. And have the strength to climb onto the damn table - wtf happened to letting people with pain STAND for their damn xrays anymore? I had to lie down, despite being in pain? Dah fuck?
Am currently pondering my life. No, seriously. It's like the revelation that what I thought were random ladypains, were lower stomach cramps due to allergens (particularly to wheat). Now it feels like yet another set of random ladypains throughout my life, have been actually BACK PAIN. I don't even. But the repositioning when sitting helps. So it feels effing true. So, somehow I've been walking and sitting wrong, using the wrong muscles, destabilizing my core and spine and aggravating the inflammation caused further with the wrong food.
I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. Willow hasn't been very aware and in her body for years. So why should I know what pain is really associated with what body part? I just went 'it's that general area so it must be this'. And considering my philosphy for years was; Life Is Pain - why would I give a damn about being specfic about it? Zvi actually drilled me, when we lived together, to give a fuck about pain. That pain was bad. That avoiding pain was a thing that could happen and was healthy.
Right this second, I have never missed my original therapist more. Really.
Also, I have a random... thing. So, like Kita? If I were male? Would I have clued in, y'think to stuff being back pain? Or associating the random back spasms with the pain and both being part of the same thing? I ask because you've lived w/ someone with serious Chronic Pain - specifically back issues. And I'm trying to imagine Maze walking around, holding his pelvis but KNOWING, because he's a guy, that it's his back.
ETA: Helpful links that helped me yesterday. I think it's the same article posted in 2 different places, but w/ different comments and replies
1. http://blog.wellnesstips.ca/blog/?p=124
2.http://trusted.md/blog/vreni_gurd/2007/08/04/walking_and_sacroiliac_joint_dysfunction_and_hip_socket_degradation
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Took a benedryl last night, on a hunch. Woke up this morning, and the muscles on my right side are sore from my compensation for the intense hip and pelvis pain. But I'm not feeling the intense hip and pelvis pain; or if I am? It's dropped from 8's and 9's, to like a 5. A 5. My hunch? It felt like all this pain started AFTER I accidentally ingested something with corn syrup. I couldn't remember having this level of pain before it happened. So, benedryl. And now I feel better; and the temperature is the same, the barometer is the same, it's still raining, thunderstorms are still looming. So the extra inflammation making things unbearable? Corn.
I can't even. I cannot. even. I want to laugh and cry and punch things at the same time. On the one hand, now I know I have pelvic instability issues that need taking care of. But if I go through this entire day able to walk? Not weeping with every step? Not blanking out etc...? Then... then I can't -- I am trying to express my feelings about relief, and anger and upset, and disgust at the medical professionals around me and more. And I just... I can't.
I know not everyone in the whole damn wide world is dealing with similar things. I know this. And yet? There are so many people I know of, dealing with pain; on this drug and that drug and this drug to deal with the side affects of drug number 1. And if it's all food allergies / severe intolerances? I just... Even for just myself? I do not have the words. I don't. The level of pain I was in this past week, and how I fell into this quiet depression while attempting to persevere and just deal with it.
I can rub my hip without bursting into tears. I can physically touch my skin, without bursting into tears.
Now to figure out, given the huge flare, if there's anything else I recently bought and have been consuming that also has corn in it - tipping me over, or triggering my body to react.
I'm hesitant to think this is it. That's why I'm giving myself to the end of the day to see how I feel ALL day, to see if this stuff has really helped and if anything but muscle soreness shows up. But...
I can't help thinking about the Clinic of Fucking Unprofessionalism. And the previous doctor I was dealing with, and this past monday's doctor; and all the drug prescriptions written out for this pain and that upset stomach to balance the pain-killer. And I'm fucking in a; when did healers become not even apcoatharies, but straight up pharma sales men. It's like horror movie car salesmen, where you just can't get away and they're gonna trap you into putting down money. I can't - huh, my thoughts are all over the place because antihistamine easing pain? That's not something that previously would have come up in my brain. That's something I need to remember now. And I just... I can't properly explain myself. I really can't.
ETA: I did not take a benedryl immediately after the initial ingestion, because it was only a couple spoonfuls and I thought it wouldn't be a big deal. And considering I didn't break out into itches or anything else I watch for - I figured it hadn't been. Well, now I know better (maybe).
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| 06:04PM | Mon, April 30th | 2012 |
| So I Think I Would Rather Die In Whimpering Pain Than Deal With Anymore Doctors |
| Public |
| fucking docs, fuckwittery |
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Home
Been home for a couple of hours; went straight to bed. The effort of moving around outside the house, feeling the way I do... it was too much. Complete strangers on the street were telling me I looked exhausted. And I was all - that's jut the damn effort to get to the clinic. Which turned out to have been a bad idea.
Teal Deer; I'm five pounds lighter than my 'dream' weight back when I wondered if avoiding allergens would really make that big of a difference in my physical appearance. So, the people who've been surprised at how I look aren't just playing the fool. Whoa.
Also, my blood pressure, despite enormous amounts of pain, and loathing being in that damn clinic - was the lowest it's ever been since I started having to take things for it. And it's this low WITHOUT any of the things people wanted to put me on.
That's it. That's all I got out of the walk in appt. That and a referral to go gt an x-ray. I could have tried to walk in and get it today; but after the appt I was so mad and upset and still in so much pain that I just hobbled my way home, via a supermarket with lamb. And yes, it was a strain to do that. But now I have lamb on the stove as comfort - cause shiv today, shiv doctors, shiv it all.
Oh yeah, and this one nurse I usually thought of as creepy - he's really, really silly. He was actually the best part of the damn experience, because his silliness made me laugh and relax despite my pain levels. (I usually see him when I'm waiting to go to my therapist and in that environment, his random joking and jestering feels unnerving. In a doctor's office, while in pain? I think that's part of the reason my pulse and bp were as low as they were. It's hard to be stressed when the nurse is making Princess Bride jokes at you.)
When I called my therapist, via my cell; intending to leave message (yet another message in fact), I got him. Live and in person. And discovered the doctor I did see, was the very last one he'd have ever wanted me to interact with. So the plan on Friday is to use my session time to finalize some shite to do with getting me some PP care.
Cause I suppose finding a doctor I could stand vs the ER might be a thing. But really, I'm all SHIV the Medical Fuckers.
She barely touched me, when she did and caused me pain, she wouldn't stop I had to reach out and push her hand away for a break. And despite me telling her no, constantly about drugs and that the only thing that doesn't upset my body is aspirin; she insisted that aspirin upsets people's stomachs more than other painkillers and the solution was to prescribe me these other painkillers AND something to protect my stomach from the upset. Three prescriptions, within fifteen fucking minutes. Then of course there was the usual bullshit about how I haven't been getting care for so long, and my 'conditions' need to be monitored and I needed to get blood tests right that day. To which I said NO. Loudly. And pointed out that I'd just gotten blood tests a few months ago - most of the ones she was asking about. Why that shit isn't in my chart? I don't know.
It was a horrible experience and mostly, I know I don't have any sort of infection, because according to her; I have no fever. Now, I actually DO have a fever, a very slight one. My baseline ISN'T 98.6. And that fact should be in my chart. But I guess it's not convinient insta there, so whatever.
I loathed her. I loathed her' I can only advise, if you want to go against medical advice...well...' I loathed her making me 'hop up' on the examination table despite my pain in order to examine me and not go looking for a room w/ a lower table or something. I hate that she exemplified damn near EVERYTHING about how my clinic, over the years has changed from a small community clinic primarily for queer peoples and encorporating low income peoples; to a low income, gov' sponsored, push 'em in and push 'em out converyour belt system. And that the only thing queer in the place anymore is the 'Wall of Courage'. I think, perhaps, when it was a program catering to queer people; it understood how much respectful care meant. And now, it's just surviving. Or something. Bah, I should hate it for having 'promoted' my original therapist out of actually seeing patients.
So yeah, in more pain now; cause the bus ride there triggered back spasms that haven't gone away. But wtf ever. W.T.F. ever.
Oh yeah, and apparently medicines aren't made out of - y'know, STUFF. Cause when I tried to explain that part of my allergic reactions is to things like corn, she was all 'only medical allergies are relevant'. Cause y'know, pills don't have corn fillers along with gluten and wheat fillers and the like. The FUCKER! More annoying than the bus drivers giving me side-eye for needing the ramp today to get on and off.
ETA: Before I can get a referral for a PT, I need to get the x-rays. But what if this is muscular, I'm not sure x-rays would show a damn thing. But whatever. I can worry about xrays another damn day. Or pray really hard about a massage therapist I have to find money to pay for out of pocket.
ETA2: I also hate doctors that ask you to describe the pain 'sharp, throbbing etc...' but then don't bother to explain to you WTF those descriptions even mean. So I said 'tight' and 'squeezy' which apparently wasn't helpful. I even tried to compare it to girl time soreness. But y'know, no feedback or help from her wtf so ever. But she did say one thing about it hurting to pee, that now has me worried; cause what does HURT even mean?! I need a Jungian therapist who decided to become an MD. Really I do.
ETA3: Something I realized in the middle of sleeping - Dr. Prescription Happy never once asked me if I was sexually active. I know I don't have PID. But how the hell is she to know that if she doesn't ask? Just because I don't have a fever? Not everyone/ever physical body responds to illness in exactly the same way. And there I was having difficulty describing pain to her according to the preset adjectives she wanted to use, and she didn't even ask me THAT basic of a question. I can't even. Cannot. Even.
ETA4: More and mor I'm feeling that as ridiculous as it seems to me, to walk into a room w/ a doctor and go 'HERE. This is what's going on w/ me. I researched it on the internet'. Apparently that might be the only way they'll come remotely close to figuring it out? If you do all the effort? I don't even - again, I don't even know. With muscles and bone situations, I was going to bring it up if y'know, conversation opened. But describing the pain didn't ring any bells for her. Just... grr arrgh fuck.
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| 09:34AM | Mon, April 30th | 2012 |
| (no subject) |
| Public |
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Travelling by bus clued me into my true pain levels. Want to fall over. More later - maybe. If I ... nurse interuption more later
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| 10:49PM | Sun, April 29th | 2012 |
| So... ahem |
| Public |
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Sacroiliac Joint Dysfunction with Pudendal Neuralgia - uhm should probably see a doctor about that, right? Should probably go to a doctor on Monda? Maybe?
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| 03:13PM | Sun, April 29th | 2012 |
| Managed To Get Some Sleep |
| Public |
 cranky |
| pain scale 7.5 |
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And now apparently it is sunny outside, and the temperature has risen, and the barometer has fallen .10 points. Which means my pain is a little better - yay. I have slapped some patches on - more yay. Now to have some tea and figure out cooking while limping (unfun and not quite yay). Monday will be the challenge - will I want to leave the house and have people poke me. Meanwhile cat demands loving and hair is demanding washing - I am so laughing at the hair. I don't own a shower chair, so it can't come at me with this. Nuh uh. Weak leg in shower = fall and bump my head.
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| 11:04PM | Sat, April 28th | 2012 |
| The Upper Reaches Of The Painscale |
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| -- |
| --, pain scale 9 |
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I may either crawl to an ER or Clinic of Fucking Doom & Unprofessionalism on Monday - depending on my levels of pain. I missed a day, due to pain; half sleeping, half curled up with the cat not sleeping. Today I managed to check in online once. I am currently in so much pain I'm crying. So I think, yeah, crawl somewhere in hopes of someone willing to believe the levels of pain and give me a PT referral or something; because even lying down isn't helping unless I"m asleep and the pain goes from groin up over my hip, over my buttock, down the back of my leg, to the bottom of my foot, to the tips of my toes. One long branching line of pain. And lidoderm patches aren't helping and I don't have big whoop droopy painkillers in the house anymore and I've had enough l-trytophane to equal one huge turkey all by myself. So... of course, while in this much pain, my wanting to be around other people goes down so much, so I say I may need to go somewhere on Monday. And then on Monday, I may rather curl up in a corner and suffer than have to travel by jerky, bumpy bus, limping along with my cane, and have strangers touch me.
My longing for a medical professional I feel even somewhat safe with. I just... I can't begin to describe it. No fuzzy feelings and hair stroking and then putting me on a bunch of drugs I'm allergic to, and then telling me when I swell up due to allergens I just need to eat less. No bullying me into taking medicines I don't want or need or have pointed out I have averse reactions to. Just... shit. I'm talking myself out of going anywhere near a damn white coat on monday.
Anyway, alive. Just, in pain. A lot of pain. Earlier it dipped down to 8, 8.5 and I peeked in on twitter and managed a reply and despite it being a 9, I just peeked in on chat. But I'm beginning to be honest and realize it's BEEN at 9 for daaaaaaaaays now. And I've been denying it and pushing myself and thinking my brain was just being 'weird' for being unable to think. But y'know, I'm pretty sure a 9 on the painscale and still cooking at least 1 meal a day for myself, is huge -cause 9 probably means 'brain quit now'. And I should have noticed I was eating less and cooking less and it meant something. But....
Anyway, making statement. In public. On journal. And the funny thing? I'm not even suicidal. I have so discovered that is primarily a coping mechanism for anxiety. Self harm and no more Willow is because Willow has become to anxious to live in her own skin. Pain? Pain just means curling up like a snail under salt and trying very hard not to whimper. And thinking odd thoughts like; as a wounded animal, I am very dangerous, cause I might rip someone's throat out with their teeth if they caused me any more.
And yet? Took me days to catch a clue. This endurance bullshit in my head? Is some... don't even have words for how messed up it is. And I can't even blame a Catholic childhood! Cause at no time am I thinking enduring it all is making be a better/blessed/saintly person. I'm not doing much thinking at all.
Oh yeah, tried to call my therapist and ended up in a fucking loop where it wouldn't go the the voicemail system only to their human messaging service - who refused to take any messages cause they should have been open. I finally hung up, being on the phone and focusing for that shit was too much effort. I was about to fall over.
I am sitting on three pillows to write this and things are still only at an 8.5. And slowly climbing. So enough effing update about how half my body is simmering quietly in a pool of electrical agony and fire pain.
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| 03:08PM | Fri, April 20th | 2012 |
| Ahh ahhh psshhhhh deflate |
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So I do have a cavity. But somehow the other cavity I was supposed to have isn't there. I wonder if the thing I used on it,would work on this one. Other than that, setting up my next appt took more time(computer issues) than my cleaning. No deep scaling, no ultra sonics. And he got the stuff he left last time. Makes me wonder if it was left last time, due to the condition of my mouth.
Might need my therapist to check in with him. There was no mention of any problems and I can't tell if that was a tact to be gentle with me or if allergies and bad meds were doing a more profound eff-up in my oral health than I ever imagined.
Plan to pick up a nibble and crash after therapy, until about 8 or 9ish. The cavity had me so upset sleep didn't much happen.
Edited: For full keyboard. Oh my stars the mistakes. Was I so hungry/relieved/stunned I didn't noticed?
Also PS: Therapist has stated dentist is kind of 'extremely thorough' about his patient's mouths. If there was a problem, I would have been told. He wouldn't just leave it, unmentioned, unseen to, etc...
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| 12:38AM | Fri, April 20th | 2012 |
| Somedays... stab stab stab cut stab. |
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Despite all my attempts to focus on my teeth; mouth washes and special toothpastes and flossing. I just found what I think is a cavity. Luckily, I have a dentist appointment tomorrow. Unluckily I think it might be a case of, which cavity to fill and come back in two months. And this appointment had been postponed twice because of the holidays and me coming to terms with needing fillings at all; trying to get over feeling like a failure. Now, when I KNOW I've been conscientiously handling my orgal hygiene, including washing my mouth out with water at the very least after damn near every meal. The low I feel right now... well, it's not suicidal. But it's FUCKING damn debilitating depressed. And I've tried for hours to just cope; but maybe writing it out will help.
Because I have to get to that appointment tomorrow, no matter how my body or brains might feel.
PS: Yes, this mental state struggle? Yet another fucking reminder my mind's broken.
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| 03:43PM | Thu, April 19th | 2012 |
| Memory & Reality Hitting Me Hard |
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| thinky thoughts |
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Been in my head today, about a time I told a white woman that her actions had made me feel unsafe. Her response was basically; OMG, HOW DARE YOU CLAIM THAT I AM UNSAFE. I AM ROCKED TO MY VERY CORE! Right now, I'm just pondering my instincts. A lot's happened since that time (in the world, in my life), and I am seriously effing amazed at my instincts, and my word choice. Especially because of certain situations with me, aspects of myself, and it being the younger ones shouting 'Unsafe'; being the loudest.
Recently I have seen so damn much talking about white ppl not having backs during racist situations. White ppl being in collusion, being silent, making excuses and all that contributing to an environment where PoC just. aren't. safe. Where unarmed PoC get shot, where PoC children get arrested in school for having a tantrum, where PoC woman are disappeared and killed damn near without any official comment or reaction, because the response isn't horror, but 'They must have been doing something wrong/They must have deserved it'.
But right now I'm thinking, oddly enough; big lie little lie, little lie big lie; little environment, small interpersonal interactions -> the wider reams of society; the wider realms of society -> one on one communications. Macroaggressions microaggresssions, microaggressions macroaggressions. Or y'know, the even more old school; what you do at home, you tend to do out the house, and what you do out the house you often bring home.
I'm thinking recently about comments that waiting for 'the old guard' to die off, won't ever work; Because the old guard keeps rotating in new soldiers in their anti-racist regime. I used to strongly believe it was possible to just, wait it out. I feel lucky to know some amazing parents with some amazing kids. But waiting out doesn't happen for everything, can't happen for everything (and for a very good reason) and while waiting, there's bullshit after bullshit, atrocity after atrocity. But it's sneaky, because you see; cis, het, cab, white men? They can be gay. And thus when the old racist, sexist, guard rotates in new members; some of those new members will be gay. And so, slowly, the old guard will change its thinking. But the Kyriarchy ain't ever going to rotate in PoC. Heck, they still haven't rotated in White Women; they had to go and form their own 'us only' club.
So there it is. There. it. is. And I'm feeling incredibly old school and my grandmother's generation, because all of a sudden there are dynamics and facets to; watch how they treat their family, watch how they treat their friends, watch how they are at home. Cause damn, that does say a lot more then any label a person wants to claim.
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| 01:24AM | Sat, April 7th | 2012 |
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Sometime when I'm back in front of a computer, I'll do a bllet points vesion of the post I lost / iJay or Kindle ate. As Zvi pointed out, even if I dont' have a record of it - I did process a lot, it was important and it did help.
Now to try and fall back asleep. Dozed and am now all up and awake.
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| 05:27PM | Fri, April 6th | 2012 |
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Seriouly?????????Kindle or iJay just fucking ate a post
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| 11:47AM | Mon, April 2nd | 2012 |
| Wll That Was Anti-Climatic [not even doing official review type review] |
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| book series: foreigner, wth? |
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Finally got my hands on Cherryh's Intruder (Foriegner #13). And I haven't given it a proper reading. It was just a devouring. But it wasn't so fast a read through that I couldn't sense and feel the editor's hand ALL THROUGH IT. Cherryh mentioned that some copy editor had gone through, changing words, substituting others and worse. Considering the dynamics of linguistics in Cherryh's work (this particular work), changing words, even with seeming synonyms, changes A LOT, because certain words aren't used with certain languages, in order to make them distinct, even though they're both being represented in English. And there's more.
The rhythm was off; for the general narrative, for various characters ... voices were lost.
Now, Cherryh went through and had to rethink her word choices all again (whilst in the midst of working on a different book) and tried to correct things, and even sent an original, and an updated original. But I think she missed some things, or there was further confusion, because as she stated there'd been about an average of 8 corrections a page. And the editor never bothered to contact someone associated with her to find out if there was some aspect she was missing; cause popular, well published, long time published author, needed 8 corrections or more a page?
And then Cherryh had to scramble to adjust things in a couple of days.
So I'm left feeling oddly disappointed. Especially because I WAS able to read it so fast. Part of that, a lot of that, is given to excitement and having waited a whole month to get my hands on it (interlibrary, woot!). But I'm usually locked into deeper cultural meanings with this series - due to the word choices.
And it seems strange to say word choices can change so much. But it really, really, can. Especially when there's also repetitive phases and facts just gone wrong, that make instant sense as the hand of an out of it editor. Like thinking a 'young girl's very important big day/big celebration' would be a wedding, when it's the Atevi equivalent of a Quincentera and is thus a Birthday. Or repeatedly explaining what a term is.
Yes, I think that's it. This book talks down to the reader in terms of language, when Cherryh's prior works in the series never did.
And what makes this worse, is that this book, is ALL ABOUT political machinations. Which means tensions are only high, in terms of potential repercussions, possible misunderstandings, etc. Which only make sense if you're fully into the universe; which can only happen with the right language.
I really love court intrigue books, done well. They're not something I think I could write. As much as I enjoy reading it, trying to sort it all out in my head to write it seems, horribly confusing. So I admire people who can do that. But right now, this just seems oddly subpar and the most enjoyable bits were the domestic subplot revolving around Cajeri. And I'm shocked, because something detailing the interweaving of clans and politics, policies, histories, prejudices etc, is what I've really ENJOYED about the series; so a book primarily about that should have been more fulfilling. But it wasn't. I couldn't sink in.
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Have lamb. Ground cloves may be causing the peeling on my hands and NOT the lamb. Also, in other news; DW does something different w/ cookie handling now, compared to LJ - which may be the problem with LJ Archive. Wonder if that explains why every two months or so, my DW logs out despite me having long term cookies on, and telling it to remember?
PS: Would people with birthdays on April 1 actually let me know you have an actual bday on April 1st? Cause I see it come up, and I'm all - are they just being funny for when DW asks for their info? I would like to actually wish you happy birthday.
ETC: Such a long day. I can't even.
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Good news, new phone. Have things in it. Did text msging, made a call. Bad news, realizing AFTER the fact, that maybe if I'd just shifted around SIM cards, might have been able to keep international texting. Oh well. Have already figured out solution to that, thanks to Zvi.
There's other stuff going on. I had to go to court on Wed, despite spending damn near an entire month trying to find the right person to talk to to explain I wouldn't be a good witness, especially in a domestic abuse/complaint case. Zvi came with me (took a day off work, for which I remain extremely grateful). Plus? Things got postponed, met the lawyer involved (lawyer for the defense) and he said he doesn't plan to call me. Minus? Got an update from the court in the mail today telling me about the postponement and that I need to show up at the next court date. So, I've left yet another message with Lawyer-who-doesn't-call-back, telling him to get me sent an official letter saying I DO NOT have to show up. Cause seriously, I was thorough and the prosecutor's office has a copy of the letter from my doctor explaining I would not make a good witness.
Just, no.
So I've been recovering from Wed. Slept most of Friday, so much recovering from Wed. Mental anxiety takes a physical exhaustion toll, on top of the walking around etc, I'd done on the day. And right now I do NOT have the required dosage of thyroid meds to help me be 'active', so no doubt that contributed as well. That's another fight for the year coming; finding a doctor, blah blah blah.
Right now, I have to focus on getting my head enough together to even buy groceries. I kind of prefer the freshness of the store a couple of blocks away; but carrying things by myself, wears me out. And it doesn't actually have enough groceries to make me feel it's worth it to call in / hunt down a cab. So that's something to mentally debate and process. Currently not focused enough to buy from the usual place online either; gonna be vegan tonight at least. Hopefully will manage something soon. But for a birthday month, this month has been too damn stressful.
AND I have something to deal with right quick start in April too. Got that mail when I got home on Wed. Ughhh.
Other things - need to prepare a list for Zvi for Easter.
So, I'm alive. I'm just really exhausted. I was so stressed about the court case that I couldn't eat. So, 3-4 days no food, but tea, and maybe some broccoli and a little chicken forced down the night before. And walking around. And the stress of it all. And the letter when I got home. And just... stuff. So for now, I'm going to hug my new phone, be happy I got the ringtones I want for everyone (found a compress mp3 thingie). Next phone thing, will be seeing if my screen film ever shows up off of ebay, and seeing about buying a spare charger for phone - although, HAPPY NEWS; I apparently bought the wrong kind of mini usb cable when I was trying to buy extra for the Kindle. The one I have works for my camera but not much else. So if I get a new one, that can double for Kindle and Phone! So, I feel a bit better about that.
For now? Kerthud.
And oh oh! Mass Effect 3 - Bioware is apparently gonna do an ending DLC. It's official. Statement on their blog. So that's a good thing for those I know and like who've been all WTBF about it. My solution to that kind of stuff these days isn't even fic, it's interpersonal rp.
ETA: New phone does not have a name yet. It is still just 'new phone'. Hopefully something will come to me.
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I wouldn't feel as if all this vulnerable making information was right there on display. It'd be easy enough to smack a busy body with a phone trying to take a snap. And a whole lot more information than can be crammed onto a piece of jewellery or even a wallet card can be included. Considering my long list of allergies? So much yay.
The problem to me, however, and this may be my lack of key point knowledge, is that it looks to mean businesses will be holding on to personal medical information. Even if it's just the amount you'd usually put on jewelry, in the medical short hand, etc. It'd still be an opportunity to potentially monetarize your profile for advertising, and/or who knows what, with that information in the hands of companies without any sort of ethical oversight.
It'd make more sense for doctor's offices, clinics and hospitals to offer it, and you pay maybe a yearly fee so they can maintain servers somewhere. But then again, hospitals and the like have already been outsourcing billing and records, which leaves one in that odd grey area again.
So what then? Considering I'm not sure how one would create a QR code / with what tech / under what circumstances, in order to perhaps host one's own 'Health Page', like the medical version of an old school 'Home Page'. Your personal presence on the 'Medical Net'.
More than likely, at least at the moment, branded w/ some 'advertising' at the bottom or incorporated somehow while the creation of the codes / the software remains not exactly every person accessible.
And yeah, I realize I'm not considering being in places in the world, where Emergency Response may not have a camera phone handy. In the same way that getting an alert bracelet in the language of your current home, may not always be helpful outside of it.
Random thoughts:
- That'd be some computer scanning and laser programming for etching on metallic jewelry, or silk screening and printing for that matter.
- I'm seeing notes of 'use our website for non commercial' use. So I'm actually pondering this, though it'd probably be only good enough for an extra card in the wallet - if I an think of a) information for it or b)a permanent web address leading to an html or scanned file.
- The thing that got me started on all of this, was looking up phone charms ->charms -> the most beautiful book form medical id pendant on a necklace I'd ever seen. Maybe because it's a book? And books calm me? Or that it could be 'closed' and thus private? I didn't feel like I'd be wearing a target on my back. Amazon's selling it right now. Though I did hunt down the website of the company selling it, and, I don't see anyway to request it come as just a pendant; though really how much does the 'chain' cost anyway. I also just tonight found a less, to me, pretty version, with less interior pages. This version, at StickyJ.Com comes as a keyring, but there's no peephole heart. On the other hand, immediate access to engraving, and whoa, so much money for that. Really does make me wish I could just have a page QR engraved. But how would you be thorough with the pattern at that small size?
Anyway, the 1st one comes with 'See Wallet' already engraved. So, I might put thoughts and savings towards it; once I figure out how I'd wear it. As a charm would be too dangly. And around my neck... I want to get into the habit of wearing it all the time. And I keep hearing my mother going 'Why you need that?! You inviting trouble! Why you marking yourself with illness!' and other things. And so the neck feels... wrong.
Hmm, I wonder if the pin could be removed, and another casped added so it could be hung like an id plate?
Ymm, maybe I need to consider more 'remove strap, see other side' stuff. Except.... such a LONG list of stuff. And wearing a flash drive? Ha, I say. Ha, me and my weirdo electric field.
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Apparently, part of my serious, and dangerous mood dip today, and the past two days, has been hormonal. Something to mention tomorrow in the office. Also, phone's been bought, now to wait and see what exactly shows up. I think, however, I will, once things get transferred over, really miss the int text msging I didn't even know I'd had until last night. And for the record (ebay and papal are creepy).
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| 05:44AM | Sun, March 18th | 2012 |
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bad place. can't talk. should probably tell someone. oh typing feels a little easier. Wed is coming up. freaking out. doctor couldn't get a hold of anyone. sent letter off wed. so they'll get it mon. wish it were sooner. but there was this thing w/ the person he found 1st being the wrong person and the person we were referred to, not reachable, not calling back. and upstairs person once said something about calling it all off. don't know if this is related. don't know what's going on. can't talk. rocking. can't go anywhere on wed. just... think i'd die if I had to do anything on wed. trying to make it through to monday and see doctor. feel like i didn't do anything right, like i should have pushed doctor more. cept if he really did call and person didn't call back. and i couldn't call and just. trying not to head bang. not good place. but have told space. like i promised. can't die anyway. cat would starve. unfair.
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| 06:37PM | Fri, March 16th | 2012 |
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So, I find out from the landlady, in conversation about something else (called w/ a question), that upstairs has been put back on the rental market. So that's good to officially know. Wish I could get resulting news about the stupid court case that's got me...very fed up and upset and - can't talk about it.
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The past 2-3 days, I've been looking up mobile phones, various 'lease line' mobile services, and all sorts of stuff. I went from knowing what I wanted to not knowing what I wanted to pouting at the pretty being... I can't even.
The thing is? I want a phone that accepts picture msg for the sake of my sister. And a phone that at least looks 'modern' for the sake of my brother, and also cause hey - a bright screen is a pretty thing. Of course, I had to figure out it was a bright screen I wanted and liked. And admit to myself that touchscreens feel like 'skin on skin / nails on board ugggh' to me. The whole concept, and touching and poking a screen and smuges and oils and texture and ARRRRGGGH. And then I found a phone I actually liked, after HOURS of research and research and research.
I liked this phone, even though it was an Android and had a big arse google search box on the top screen. And even though it was touchscreen. It had an optical track button. And a keyboard. And was pretty. And was also, totally CDMA.
And while I was pondering it being only accessible to certian providers I don't like, I floundered around them too; watching various people who'd gone to certain cheaper places and away from big brand name service, only to overflow it with their 'UNLIMITED USE' with their iphones and complain about how it wasn't really unlimited. And I'm all you cut your damn bill in half and didn't think your usage should go in half too?
But that's another conversation about privilege and the Reccession, and the overflow of privileged peoples to certain businesses and institutions that were catering to a completely different market.
Back to the research suck hole of doom. Where was I? Oh, I saw international texting and thought, OMG! Actually, for a service I've since decided could never be - because it doesn't seem to offer voicemail at the lower ends I'd pay for - I saw way more minutes than I could get now, and opportunities and international txting and I thought; whee!
And then it became a thing, who had it, who didn't have. How much minutes, how much data. Then I discovered that having a credit card on file for some of these places would be worse than a contract w/ hidden and unexpected charges. Then came the crashing realization that putting a simcard in a phone, without any sort of 'flashing' of the phone's wee little system, meant no meter on the phone about minutes. A thing I find extremely useful.
And ease of use to me, does not include going/finding a local store and balancing physical access with prices. I tried, it got frustrating.
Then came the realization and the reading and re-reading of several TOS and explanations and seeing that 'roaming' is COMPLICATED.
So, screw that.
And there was looking at more coverage plans and more coverage plans and realizing I have never once thought about not having bars. Not once, in the few years I've had my old school, damn near probably original, 1st generation non analog phone.
It was great, realizing as I got more and more frustrated and began making list (oh so many lists) exactly what I wanted. It's such a tiny ass list. 'Pretty Screen' is waaay at the bottom. But it was also then that I realized, that it hasn't been lack of imagination keeping me from other phones and phone related stuff. It was comfort. I've BEEN quietly waiting for Tracfone (yes Tracfone) to get 'prettier phones'.
I like the confidence I have with it. And my only grump lately has been, having difficulty hearing people on the phone, and finally realizing it's not my hearing, the phone might just be getting old.
Annnnyway, at the end of the day, I discovered that Net10 and TMobile have, well, they both have 'INSERT YOUR SIM'. Except Tmobile is more reasonable for someone who isn't a phone person. And Net10, has obviously found no way to monitor how many minutes a person uses and just demands you get a specific unlimited plan. No flashing the phone to commence sim activation available yet.
I know people have very pretty phones. My siblings do. Zvi does. All very pretty. I have no idea how much my siblings use all the pretty on their phones. I know Zvi and her phone, had a private civil ceremony sometime last year; not many guests, and truly, there were three brides, Zvi, her phone, and her ereader.
But I loathe facebook, don't want to use google on a phone. And specifically bought my Kindle 3g so I wouldn't have to pay for data. 2, 2 things in one.
If I could stand touchscreens by themselves? I could get a pretty phone, with the service etc... I want. Except, even if I used a stylus on the phone to move things around? I damn well need a physical keyboard.
So here I am. Not about to jump on the DROID bandwagon, cause I could put that money towards minutes. Realizing that what many people think of as a 'basic cell service' seems the lap of luxuary to me, which means my current service is full of 'Oh poor dear' to them. Cause I just. don't. phone. I think I might text, w/ a proper keyboard.
But yeah. So much swirly upside down, new phone manufacturers I'd never heard of before Loads of pretty. Have a tab open on the fricking Sidekick Canada (Sidekick Sharp), but as wonderful as that screen and text are. It's... really not enough to deal w/ TMobile Service. Or some other 'lease lines' (it's easier for me to think of them that way, I know there's an official term; Mobile Virtual Network (Provider, Enabler, Etc...).
**flops** Can't even finish this post. Too exhausted.
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| 10:09PM | Fri, March 9th | 2012 |
| Zvi Is Here |
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Let's see if my cooking curse when she's around continues.
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| 09:07AM | Fri, March 9th | 2012 |
| In Other News |
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| --self care-- |
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I didn't sleep well. Barometer is playing some tricks; m'all achy and sore and tender. Currently emotional (disappointed). And pondering if I even AM leaving the house at ALL today. So, we'll see.
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indescribable
weird
thinkyy
exhausted