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So tired I just berated meat in a pot for not cooking, cause I forgot/didn't realized I'd turned back off the stove. The whole thing did, however, jolt my memory to something I jotted down earlier today. I finally found the wherewithal to pick up and start reading an urban fantasy/vampire book I found last month at the library; written by a Latino!
In my first attempts I kept breaking off to consider and jot down thoughts over how I'd do something with vampires. And it didn't help that the book begins with the protagonist involved in the Gulf War (the 2nd one) and those pages were really hard for me to read. But this goes beyond politics and whatever distraction/anxiety/itchy comes with considering writing one's own tale. There came a point in the book where I thought the character was just plain STUPID.
And then I realized it's not the first time I've seen this happen in UF. In fact the only time it HASN'T annoyed me has been Jim Butcher. But that's because his protagonist realizes he's doing something stupid but is shown to think there's either a) no other way to do it or b) he doesn't know how to do it any other way or c) he's at dead ends and something has to get moving, time's running out and lives are in danger. I can handle stupidity when the character knows it's stupid.
What I can't handle is the character does something and it doesn't go as planned, in fact it's incredible disturbing, potentially dangerous in terms of discovery and blatantly showing that all facts are not present. And what does this particular character do? He tries the same move two more times with the same exact results. Then he waltzes into a similar circumstances and tries his same move again and that's doesn't work at all. In this case it's not just a particular move that's being relied on too heavily, it's just a total, TOTAL lack of thinking.
Now I get that some of this is supposed to be a kind of natural cockiness and part of the plot might even be to chip away at that attitude. But it's difficult for me not to go outloud in a doctor's office while reading. "How the heck can someone be this stupid???!"
Basically the character tries to unscrew an electric plug socket (I'm using an analogy here ) and he's grounded and everything, but he not only gets shocked but things catch fire!!!! But then he goes to a different socket and does the same thing. "It's my lucky screw driver." And... he gets shocked and things catch fire. Then he goes to yet a third socket annnnd things catch on fire and he gets shocked PLUS some anonymous drywaller shows up behind him with a nail-gun, intent on getting that socket hole to stay covered.
Does our protagonist think this could be someone who doesn't want him poking behind the walls and wires? Nope. He thinks "Hey, some jerkwad's just a little too eager to use an automatic puncturer of things. I am SO gonna set them straight when this socket mess is all over."
Cue scenario #2. And once again he believes the answer to all his problems lies behind a plug cover. And once again ... well, you know the drill by now.
Is this seriously the only way to move plot forward? To have the protagonist just not... think? Or am I unusual in my levels of paranoia and self preservation?
Using the example of petting a dog and the dog biting one's hand - I know that for me, the minute my so called supernatural charms didn't work to prevent a dog from biting me - I'd be "Holy c rap, what new thing is this?" And if as i pondered that and what to do next, a belligerent dognapper/animal control showed up and decided to come after *me* while the dog ran away? I'd certainly be wondering what in blazes was going on.
But in these books, the Vampires or Werewolves or Demons or whatever, know that to be revealed is the worst thing they can do. They also know the government lies and lies and lies and would happily cut them up like pizza, and who knows what. But they're never worried or suspicious, they breeze right in and figure they won't be noticed; even though they're climbing up walls, turning into bats, and hissing their sibbalants, growing claws and howling at the fricking moon. "Oh , they'll just think I'm eccentric, a furry, born with a lisp."
It's sort of like watching Law & Order when people start talking to the cops. You end up wondering "Does a show like Law & Order not exist in their universe???"
Do government conspiracies; the proven kind (like sterilization and experimentation etc) not exist in books and on the internet in these worlds? Is there no Men In Black movie? No Buffy and the Initiative. G'damnit NO COMIC BOOKS???!!!
So yeah, is it just the character that's stupid or the whole world? Or am I just easily irritated and seeing things.
More thoughts after sleep and food - perhaps even in that hour, regardless of doneness.
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Pain currently at a 5.5 inching towards 6.
It's not exactly a positive but its return as actually clarified some things for me.
1. I am dealing with anxiety (I hold my body different when I'm anxious and I also tend to rock. It's more noticeable with pain)
- 1.b) I know I am anxious when I can't even read the continuation of a fic, by a fanwriter I like, because it's reading the 'unknown' and not knowing what could happen makes me want to curl up into a little ball and weep while an invisible crab piercing my flesh and perforates my lung organs while chewing my heart.
2. When I wasn't feeling pain my body was catching up on sleep. But I got so worried about my schedule being backwards that I didn't think of just switching when I took the pills and maybe adding a little caffeine to stretch out until a more regular bedtime.
3. Part of my anxiety is no doubt the therapist switch.
- 3.b) This anxiety is probably also why I'm soothing myself with research and organization and can't handle anything remotely social.
--
I'm going to try and discuss all of this in therapy today, then come home and crash - no matter what the hour is.
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| 2008-09-03 06:15 |
| A Love Letter |
| Public |
 grateful |
| batman |
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Dear Christopher Nolan,
You don't know me and I don't know you. However, this documentary captures you discussing Batman's true super ability, the only super power he really has; as self discipline.
I love you, Christopher Nolan. In that whole "Yes!" fannish way that doesn't involve stalking but does involve happily giving you money.
Also Benjamin R. Karney PhD - I like you a lot too.
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In my comics blog I called it foreseeable for the near future'. But here I'm being up front blunt. IM is wearing me the hell out. I've begun to loathe logging on, it's turning my stomach in knots.
So I'll reply via Twitter my personal and my comic accounts. And comments are likely to stay fine. And the occasional email - sure.
But if I'm late in replying or come to something a week later, it's because I'm giving myself a break and just trying for this vise in my chest to stop squeezing.
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| 2008-09-03 04:00 |
| Something I Didn't Know. |
| Public |
 sadly surprised |
| the grey havens |
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The recently departed Don Lafontaine (may he rest in peace) was the announcer for my beloved Fillmore!
I'd always thought the voice was similarly dramatic and assumed it was done on purpose but never realized they'd gone straight to the source.
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| 2008-09-01 15:55 |
| Random Things... |
| Public |
| about me |
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...That Helped Cheer Me Up on Today
Internet
- Ask Palpatine
- Discovering Ikkitousen had a Season 2! More panty shots and violence for everybody!!!
- Was led to 'Target Women' on Youtube, made by user Nuka21u2
@Home
- Plain mango juice being soothing for my stomach
- The Almond Granola being munchy yummy good
- Managing 5 minutes playing with the cat where she scampered all over and had fun and my stomach didn't chuck everything.
- The temperature!
- Discovering a little raspberry vinegar helps me get over my 'blarg the taste of American water, blargh!'
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| 2008-08-31 23:45 |
| Reposted Twitter Thought (expanded) |
| Public |
 creeped + sick |
| twitter-like |
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Does anyone else ever get the feeling that Ronald Regan was the Sacred Alien Sovereign of those who label themselves American Republicans. Republicans(at least Neocons) - just like Scientology?
There seems to be this odd reverence, as if he were a Republican Pope. But then there's also the way I've heard his name praised as if he were the Republican Messiah.
"... not since Ronald Regan." Gets said over and over again. Am I the only one who finds that creepy?
I suppose given that Neocons are generally Christian it's a bit much to equate the politicians' reverence to a Messiah. But what level of honor and glory comes after JC? Saint?
And when I think about the things proposed in/along side his name and the words created; there's this whole other language. Abortifacient. Partial Birth Abortion. America is a Christian Nation.
Maybe it's just me thinking that things resemble a cult; repeat the same phrases over and over again; don't question...
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In the past few hours something happened to do with commenting. Someone commented to me a day or so ago on a post I wrote for the PoC SF Carnival. And in their comment there was phrasing that led me to believe they were someone who had been reading my blog and had found my private journal where I hosted the essay.
This led to me assuming they were familiar with some of the imbroglios going on online, in Fandom, particularly in Supernatural fandom. Which meant that when I went to their journal and saw a breezy post that seemed to be equating the actor Brandom Jay McLure to being a black Jensen Ackles / a black Dead Winchester, I got very shocked and upset. Their original comment to me had been regarding Kimanu True, an imprint for black youth that had a book I'd found traumatizing to say the least and very graphic.
So to see something that didn't make clear at all that they were doing an ongoing personal comparison of similar features across ethnicities and grouped together globally but instead seemed to be contributing to the fetishization in fandom of black men - yeah, I was not cool. When I realized my mistake in comprehension I apologised. Though I also backed away from the conversation because the other party was supposed to be focused on something for deadline. And while how they choose to spend their time is their choice - personally I feel uncomfortable being an irritant, even in just the sense of discussion towards comprehension, when someone has other things on their mind.
I'm writing about this here because I just got an emailed comment from a friend of the original commenter that was full of 'How dare you' and 'How could you do this to my friend' and 'You are so mean' and 'Other people might/would give you a second chance'. And I really wouldn't have given it the time of day - friends will want to defend and protect their friends. It's a facet of friendship and caring for other people. However once sentence as I scanned the comment and rolled my eyes caught my attention. And when I just went back to c/p it I found the whole paragraph interesting.
What is so ironic here is I'm supposed to be impressed by you and the weight you so easily swing around, so very sure of yourself. I'm not impressed at all ;[name redacted] has spent a great deal of time and energy devoting herself to racial equality and bridging the horrible gaps we humans make of things. You ran roughshod over her without even knowing just how much good she has done and how hard she has worked. It detracts from you, greatly, that you behaved this way. It makes you less of a force for change and good and more of someone a little too fond of hearing herself speak. I called someone out on a single comment they made and waited to see what they had to say about it. They replied with a host of other information that didn't exactly reply to my point. So I pointed it out again. And back and forth we went for a while. Now it seems important to this particular friend that as someone her friend is impressed by or respects that I somehow believe I deserve to cause an impression (positive) wherever I go and I'm now less worthy of such impression. Now if her friend who read my original essay feels less respect for me - that's perfectly understandable and something apt to happen if one forgets humans are human and put individuals on random height pedestals. Despite what I originally assumed she hasn't read enough about me to know my style when I'm discussing particular subjects vs just how I may phrase things in other communities or general posts here in my journal. What interests me right now is this assumption that as someone who is being respected I have some sort of obligation to be nice. And that by trying to get a pinned down response on the concept of the fetishization of black men in fandom - I ran ' roughshod' all over the original commenter and I should have taken into concept everything she's ever done on the subject of racial equality. Is this a concept of politeness that I just don't have? Because I never assume, unless I'm told (as I thought I had been told in this example) that anyone reading me has ever read anything else I've ever written on any subject - if they are a person I've never heard from before. I never assume that my prior goodworks can mean I won't screw up something in the present. And I don't think they should represent me if all someone sees is one/this current moment in time. How many times in life do we get to pull out a resume when we've messed up in order to say "But no really, if you look at my long history, you'll see how much I'm not like this..." And often I've found that individuals who get called out on racist, or offensive words / phrasings/ thoughts, often love to pull out their history of prior good works. It's like they pull out the cookie drawer and say "See, these other people gave me cookies. See I've done cookie worthy things in the past." The minute someone does something along those lines I immediately disregard anything they could have done. Because then those works don't stand on their own anymore to me. Instead those works become a) a foundation of excuses for current behavior b) a pile of works that were done purely for accolades not for the spirit of the work itself and the good it will produce in one person's life or in a general long run. If someone looks at my interaction in this case, for example and they feel I was too aggressive and I'm not someone they want to interact with it's a completely valid opinion and I may be disappointed if I ever learn about it - depending on who they are. But I can't say right now that I'll give it much thought in general or worry about it. I don't live my life trying to be an example of anything other than survival; for which I leave my journal open so people can see me struggle and accomplish and/or slide. So if someone would like to explain this concept of - I can't even call it automatic role modeling, because a role model to me has a sense that they're being watched and that they're inspiring others. They are aware of the eyes on them and their place in society. Me? What place in society do I have? So this concept of of niceness, that at least in this instance seems attached as a livejournal etiquette more and that I somehow owed the original commenter a resume review before interacting with them and that I also owed them a change in my own personality in order to be sweet and leaning towards understanding - where does this concept come from? Am I operating along mental lines other people can't follow? Is everyone else in life walking around with a resume they instantly hold up as a shield the moment someone takes what they say wrong? And is there also a belief even if 'you' (for general values of you) go and comment on a journal to a person you have never interacted with before or outside of a very specific context, and you invite and open conversation that somehow that individual should KNOW or UNDERSTAND that in your own journal you only have 3, 12, whatever readers and they're all personal, known face to face friends who know and understand you without a lot of words being written? Why is it assumed that a public entry should have the same context as a filtered or flocked entry that IS actually specific to a certain group? Why should I just surfing in be expected to read between the lines or with invisible context? Why should it matter to me that if I knew 'you' (again for general values of you) I wouldn't react the way I had. The point is I don't know them and only have their words, and their following comments (both on and off the topic) and in one instance still misunderstood, to judge them by. Honestly I suppose part of the reason I'm writing this out as a journal entry is because my initial and continued response right now is to tell the friend of the original commenter to grow up and stop expecting everyone in the world to be nice. That's not reality. PS: Does this thing also have something to do with the weird ass assumption that 'everyone wants to be liked and popular' and other shit?
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Has it ever been proposed to the people who claim that the transgendered are only reinforcing gendered stereotypes that perhaps, just perhaps the reason it seems that way is because our society places so much emphases on said stereotypes? So that the young man looking to confirm and affirm himself as a young man has nowhere to look as to how to do that BUT stereotypes? And maybe as he grows more comfortable with himself his focus will be more on who he is as an individual who's growing and learning and less on how to continually stamp into the cosmos the awareness that he is male?
Has it ever been proposed that the young woman, looking to affirm and confirm herself as a young woman (or older woman for that matter) clutches to gender stereotypes because in a society so obsessed by them; to be female but not 'female enough' is a dangerous and often deadly situation?
But what does it matter to them, right? Those people who refuse to accept individuals as they present themselves / as they are - it's all just theory to them anyway. Right?
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I just watched Ahkeela and the Bee. I enjoyed it more than I thought I would. I'd been wincing internally at the thought of watching yet another show about the push behind the accomplishment of a PoC; in this case a young girl.
But it wasn't that. It was about spelling as a refuge and how it became a skill that could take the protagonist places.
And watching the ending I realized it was a film I'd enjoyed where the only really involved white character was the principal. The rest of reality, of course was filled with white folks; announcers, judges, etc. And I found myself thinking if there were people who'd look at the movie and see 'Black Special Interest Movie' and not just, a movie.
Yes, there were moments of reflection on Slavery and Civil Rights and what it means to come from a certain neighbourhood. But that's a part of the history and culture of any black person living in the US in a movie about someone black living in the US. And so I found myself wondering about just what it is that makes whites get so affronted and angry and bring up 'reverse racism' (an impossible thing - just noting here) when there are movies or books or venues revolving around the African American / Minority American experience.
I started writing this thinking I had an idea of what it was, but now I'm not so sure. I just know there seems to be this immediate need to refute that minority history in the country is different and created a different culture. I started to think that you don't see the same response if someone brings up Italian history or Greek history. But then I thought of MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING and the fact that the reactions there towards Greeks as just being foreign weren't out of place at all. I could nod my head at the 'Oh, someone at the office is X and you're X so maybe you know them. You all know each other, right?' and other stupidities and assumptions.
So I'm left thinking that for the most part the Italian and Greek and Irish and even Swedish and Norwegian Immigrant (and depending on the time frame minority) experiences have been embraced and enfolded into the main and standard. But minority (NDN, Black, African, Asian, South East Asian, East Indian, Middle Eastern, and others I've likely missed) are left on the outside. Maybe because it's one thing to remember No Dogs No Irish. And another thing to remember 400 years of abuse, restrictions and depravity that actually formed the foundation for affluence in this country. Maybe it's another thing to think about the Chinese who built the railroads and who were treated for so long as 'Scary Yellow People'. Maybe it's that other thing to think about polio blankets and village massacres and land stealing.
Maybe white culture (US culture specifically) would rather deny those experiences as being part of reality; would rather delegate them to little corners like cobwebs in an unswept house - because it would be 'too painful' to admit what was done. And so for the sake of sparing themselves pain, they continue to perpetrate. And the moment any mention is made of the obvious differences that minorities can't sweep under a rug somewhere and pretend didn't really happen it's seen as a "You're trying to blame us/guilt us/ shame us/ make us feel pain. AND WE WON'T HAVE IT!!!"
Huh, the whole thing boils down to selfishness? Clearly my brain's gone whacky.
Anyway, Ahkeela and the Bee - good movie with lovely moments including a very rational moment by one character who's portrayed as being incredibly pressured.
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It used to be that being online offered the introvert breathing space. But nowadays EVERYTHING seemingly MUST BE SOCIAL. That's all I ever hear "Web 2.0" and "Bringing social networking to..."
You can't bookmark or listen to music by yourself anymore, it seems at times. Music is social; imeem, lastfm, blah blah. Reading is social; LibraryThing, GoodReads, Shelfari, etc. Watching movies has become social. Everything must have a discussion invited / comments section. No wonder I've been feeling more and more burnt out lately. Everywhere I go online to partake of something, I have to struggle to keep the activity private and quiet.
It's no longer about having an open journal and inviting conversation here or on my blog and occasionally among good friends online. EVERYTHING has some social aspect that leads to people contacting you when you don't want them to. Or leads to me ignoring and giving up on certain websites or web activities because it's just too open and I'm starting to feel the same crowd panic raw grated feeling online that I feel in the middle of a party or a large group of people.
It's becoming very taxing - probably because it's now expected that if you're there, you WANT to be social. Having the option of private bookmarks (just for your own self) is something you have to hunt down and click for. Because it's expected that you'd want people to comment on your links. Your -links-. The random things you like and want to remember for pete's sake.
I'd probably describe this much better if I wasn't also pondering how it's possible not to be able to handle being online on an IM client. But being able to handle commenting to a friend using googledocs or something similar.
Maybe I just need to start blocking people. Or maybe I need an ultra private IM handle only a limited amount of people know. I don't know. I just realized that sometimes, frequently in fact, the act of going online takes as much energy as opening the front door and having to go outside and deal with people.
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There's nothing like the rain to get one depressed. Though part of it is that even my new regime can't much help two days of rain. But I'm not in agony and that's pretty damn cool.
Bad side?
Rain's made me curl up and read. One thing led to another and I came across a photograph of two actors which led me immediately to thinking of an old rp which lead me to thinking about the once_upon_a_friend. And now I hurt all over again. It's just so sad to read a time when you were so simpatico you made two character's believable; with chemistry and backstory and inner life and intensity (and given how often Actors on Film can get it wrong, that is saying a lot).
And now here I am having never heard back about feeling abandoned - thus making it official. And it makes the storyline I'm reading so achingly bitter sweet.
I wonder if that's part of my last few fears about writing - some confused tumble of emotions about how I might never be able to get 'THAT' again far less on my own. I suppose it's just a pall over a collaborative effort that had me trusting my writing so much.
BUT I'm well aware that I've not drifted away from everyone I've written with and they poke me and hug me and send me delightful cheering up / house warming gifts. So I do have perspective.
Still, it's one of those things where you see the perfect imagery and you just WANT to tell that particular person and it's not going to happen now.
*sighs*
I'll get over it. The sky's just grey today.
Oh. And GIP.
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Every day species of plants and animals go extinct. It really used to bother me but it doesn't anymore, my perspective has changed. I still believe that if humanity wants to remain on a planet that isn't hostile to them, that there needs to be homeostasis. But the more I watch nature programs (which I know aren't books/papers/journal articles and may have been edited with bias), the more I feel as if the earth is constantly evolving, even if the pace has previously been too slow for humans to much notice - therefore there will always be some animal or plant that can no longer exist. Maybe I've made peace with the concept of evolution as not just something that happened waaaaaaaay back in the day, but as something that's continuously happening. Human beings just happen to be one of the largest, most active and wide spread catalysts in this continued change.
That said, however, what I do have a problem with, is not the realization that as humanity acts more and more callous to their affects on their environment; said environment adapts in sharp and large patterns; This is a behavior that will rectify itself when humanity is discomforted enough by the surroundings. What really upsets me is when things disappear because humanity either a) determines to wipe them out on purpose, ala Haiti's black pigs or b) humanity over farms a resource, like salmon and then ends up trying to set up actual husbandry (farms) to compensate but such farms use up resources and the best solution would have been to simply stop gathering the fish (or other product) for a time.
I can't even blame America for this, as the whole Western World seems to have forgotten the concept of doing without. No matter who the role models or forebearers in the practice might be the result is the same; things out of season, meddling with nature and fear based reactions that end up wiping out species that had otherwise managed to survive. I include in the fear based reactions, the loss of China's Yellow River Dolphin.
Oddly enough these are the things that come to my mind when I first wake up.
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So next month, I need to remind myself to try Safeway. A friend even got me a grocery card there so I have no excuse. They didn't mess up my order 'too' badly this time from the grocery store/local store I'd been using (and had stopped using). They just got the weights wrong. So instead of 4 quarts of something, I got 4 12oz cans.
For. Real.
This is so frustrating.
I listened to Zvi about the fact that I'm likely cutting myself off from things and people who are likely to change by completely cutting out my grocery store. And I'd convinced myself they were doing better and that I should stick with them. But right now, fuck the price. What I want is GROCERIES without the hassle of having to go 'Well, I'll end up buying this and this and this during the month because they didn't have it'.
I can't believe they didn't give me all I wanted on my mango nectar and pulp. I was counting on this for my breakfasts. Now I'm gonna have to see about either another delivery, or going to the local place to the new apt and figuring out how to catch a cab or if I can handle being tired and carrying things in a bag.
Fuck damn these people are totally useless. Dented cans. Forgetting Meat. Wrong amounts of food. Forgetting fruit. Just wrong orders all the damn time. And totally incapable of figuring out something as simple as 'If there's not enough of this product, feel free to substitute with this other product'.
ETA: So they call me back to address my complaint and offer to run me out the 4 quarts I need, no delivery charge. Only the need my credit card. But the driver will be right back! So like a dope, I give it. It's been two hours. I'm exhausted. I want to crash. So far, no fucking delivery person. So much for admitting it was their mistake ,refunding what they did send me and getting me what I need near immediately.
ETA: 4pm, got my mango nectar - after a second phonecall. But just realized I got the wrong granola Almond instead of Pecan. Can you take unopened packages back to a different grocery store?
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| 2008-08-26 08:26 |
| Strange Days ... Everywhere |
| Public |
| pop culture |
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Note to self: Staying up late with ![[info]](http://www.insanejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) fickle cause it was supposed to be her last night in the US, doesn't really help me regulate my sleeping patterns all that well. Luckily I don't have therapy this week, so I only have to leave the house to return some library books by Friday.
Anyway, another odd thought. I posted on my twitter:
Is it just me or have mocking entertainment venues (Cracked.com, DailyShow) become informative while real news goes drunk circus agenda?
07:19 PM August 18, 2008 from web And now I'm staring at a youtube video on Jon Stewart confronting the Crossfire hosts. And they're getting on his cace for not having asked John Kerry real questions on his show. His show the comedy show. So apparently in 2005 even the supposed to be real news sources were admitting that Jon Stewart's Daily Show was more newsworthy than well, they themselves? Then there's this quote from when CNN and Tucker Carlson parted ways: "CNN is a different animal," Mr. Klein said. "We report the news. Fox talks about the news. They're very good at what they do and we're very good at what we do." And I don't even know how true that was in 2005 or now. It doesn't feel true. Why has the world gone so crazy? Why does it seem as if not to be burned out by news I probably should watch more Daily Show and Colbert Report so that I'm at least informed while taking a break from having to filter so much when watching self-proclaimed 'Real News Sources'. I feel as if news has become infotainment - with very, very, little info indeed. And oddly enough places of entertainment have become edutainment - where I learn and laugh. It's all very strange.
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If you use Gmail, read this.
I've been forgetting the difference between my lj flist and my iJay flist. I saw this via my iJay flist but only mentioned it to one or two individuals. But it's actually important enough that I just can't count on everyone I know reading Elke So please check this out and take the two minutes to check a little box in gmail.
Some jerkwad's releasing a hacking tool to hijack gmail cookies and setting your account to ALWAYS secure login - https will save hassle in the longrun.
Oh! And make sure you do it for ALL your gmail accounts. I know that's tripped me up, turns out I had one already set that way, but others not.
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I seem to have hit a nerve talking about food prices and healthy eating. telesilla put it best: as usual, healthy, globally sustainable eating is the privilege of the rich
It sucks too especially when you have all these books telling you that if only you ate better than maybe everything wrong with you would sort itself out. I'm not kicking on those books. One of them just helped me immensely and was recced by my therapist as something to help me look at food differently. To which I seem to be leaning towards food as medicine to change how I relate to it.
But all this reminds me of the experiment some members of congress did last year - they attempted to live for a week on what someone on foodstamps can afford. And by the end of it they realized just exactly why people on lower and limited incomes ARE so tired all the time and ARE so exhausted and beset with health problems. They CAN'T just eat better, because eating better doesn't win out over easing the gnawing sensation in one's gut. If it's fatty processed foods so that they can feel full and do what they have to do, and so their children can feel full and do what they need to do via school - then that's what they'll choose. They can't afford to eat a salad with minimal meat as a whole meal, because they're not eating four and six times a day. They're lucky if they eat solidly ONCE.
Thing is, it was only those three individuals who did this project and only for a week. They got to deal face to face with the fact that senators and congressmen are fed all the bloody time in Washington; a breakfast here, a fancy lunch there, a business dinner there. But it's just the three of them with this awareness, shared via blogging with the public who KNOWS already how hard it is. Makes me wish there could be some kind of law that once you get sworn into congress you HAVE to spend a week once a year living at the basic level and/or being treated in hospital as someone without or with limited insurance.
The whole John McCain has 7 houses doesn't even BEGIN to describe how out of step he is with daily reality. The whole '5 million dollars means you're rich' on the other hand is closer to showing that he and his would have absolutely no idea that the working man and woman, can't just afford to spend $9 a pound on meat so that they're healthier.
I haven't been all that political via the election etc on this journal. But this topic just really hit home for me tonight. It does too matter that the 7 homes are part of a Trust. How many people can afford to pay lawyers to set up a trust? How many black people have enough assets to even pass on to their children?
It may be that for the first time I'm emotionally mature enough to follow the advice given about food to the best of my ability without subconsciously thinking it's all my fault that I can't afford better or I can't walk the walk. Walking the bloody walk costs more than dealing with pesticides and having to use a grocery service that's half ass because the only other place is 30 mins to an hour away - there's another problem that doesn't get enough play on the news and which I think McCaine would fail to understand. He'd probably tell folk to just get in their car and drive.
Eta: The sad update on that week on $21
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That the individuals who go on and on about organic produce and soy milk and this is the best possible diet, don't ever seem to have to live on the kind of budget regular folks live on? And I'm probably one rung down from regular folk at my present circumstances.
I found the Community Supported Agriculture site and there's a place that'll drop off 8 units at a Market I can get to via bus routes. But I know myself, what guarantee is there the grab bag of assorted organic produce will be things I'll actually use? I'm finicky in what I eat. I spent far too long in the US mourning Caribbean vegetables no one else seemed to know anything about.
--
It's an odd thing to realize given that I'll happily eat broccoli and green beans but actually loathe lettuce. But it is the truth. So here I am pondering many, many things not the least of which is the fact that I buy my produce in cans because then it won't go bad if I find myself violently hating tomatoes for a month. But everything I read encourages FRESH FRESH FRESH and ORGANIC! Which would go to horrid waste.
BEWARE PESTICIDES, they scream. As if they can hear me evaluating my budget and the likelihood that canned and frozen would offer me minerals and good things but at a 1/4 the budget. PESTICIDES WITH THEIR EVIL CONTAMINATION.
Beware STARVATION I want to scream back. In this land of plenty, it'd be horridly funny in a macabre sort of way if I died of malnutrition and hunger because I didn't balance my reality with theirs - they, the ones who can afford fresh raw almonds by the pound without blinking, so they can make their own fresh, fresh, FRESH Almond Milk - better than cow!
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Soooooo....
I've been reading Andrew Weil for the past month or so. My therapist mentioned him as someone I might want to look into. And he has some interesting thoughts on inflammation, alzhimers and fibromyalgia. So bouyed by this I began taking my magnesium tablets again. My mother always buys them for me and I tend to forget to take them.
Part of the surge this time was an indescribable hunger after my last lady times. Nothing made me feel better, not even taking iron. So I took magnesium because I remembered taking them when I had migraines in the past and I thought it'd help me with the headache.
Long story short: I've been sleeping like whoa the last couple of days due to a new combination of supplements and my regular nortriptyline. And I seriously feel as if my body's catching up on all the sleep I usually miss. It's the kind of sleep where I don't hear every little sound at night and I'm not aware of turning over and when I do wake up it's cause the cat's sitting on my chest trying to steal my breath and I need to throw her furry butt out of the room. And then I sleep again solidly for HOURS.
( Stuff mostly only relevant to those on my flist with pain )
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Spirited Away is a much more enjoyable movie when one watches it from the actual beginning.
Also - I seem to like Pillsbury Buttermilk biscuits best when I roll the dough into a ball rather than keep it biscuit shaped. (Had to use up the dough - the donut recipe never worked for me and was gross besides)
Also #2 - While I've happily solved my caching bookmarks and annotating online scenario AND discovered SIMPY as bookmarks as personal search engine. I have yet to find the right thing for books. Using a journal to do reviews works perfectly. Having an easily seen and used list of books I want to borrow? Eh... not so good at all.
Google Notebook's been leaving things to be desired.
Also #3 - New pill / vitamin regime has for the last two days left me feeling -very- well rested. Now to figure out what will help me have actual energy during the day. But being well rested counts for a lot, not the least of which is my ability to focus on a task.
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This post was actually started sometime last year, but I don't think I ever went through and posted it and on finding it I realize it was a perfect part two of the query and discussion I started here; Watching The Show In Your Head.
I had wanted to write about the tv show Monk. Then I had wanted to write about all the tv shows I'd liked and or dropped and how lately I'd realized that the tv show I liked, was NOT the tv show the executives inevitably decided to push. And so past the 1st season (or the season that caught my eye) - I simply didn't watch tv anymore. At least not on my own, without someone watching with me ie, bugging me and cajoling me to watch with them or keep them company.
Then later on I'd ended up thinking out and talking about the subject with a friend, (I believe it was kdorian). I realized there's so much more with Monk that I'd found disappointing. I found it the waste of a good actor. I found it a waste of a good premise...
I started watching a show about a man who'd been so traumatized by the loss/murder of his wife than his OCD went mega - total overddrive. He wasn't functional. But he was still a brilliant mystery solver. Solving mysteries was a way to make the world right and a way to hone his skills so he could track down the person who'd taken his wife away from him.
I loved that show. Yes it had silly moments and yes sometimes it also made me cringe. But I loved the show. It was about survival and growth and trauma and recovery and yes, I know I can take those themes very personally. But I was so happy with it. I wanted to buy the DVD when it came out. I couldn't wait for where they'd pick up in the next season to move along the arc involving his wife's killer. And where they would go with the friendship he was developing with his assistant's son.
And then I saw the Season 2 trailers. And it was all "Crazy man is afraid of germs. Watch him dodge monkey poop and try to solve crime!".
I was aghast. But the commercial played over and over again. Despite where the last season's arc had ended they were going to play up the disease/ the illness as a JOKE. They were going to play up the mental health issue and the trauma AS A FUCKING JOKE.
What whacky things will freak him out this season!"
Shock became disgust and I never went back. I even changed the channel when previews and ads came on. I still do. There was nothing I could salvage to continue to watch. There was no mental re-writing I could do. The ads made me afraid to go back and watch the first season, for fear I'd suddenly realize how exploitative it had always been.
SGA is another similar show. (To those currently mourning I suggest you skip. I'm not aiming to be particularly reverent).
( More here )
I started off both of my posts not sure why I mentally re-wrote on the fly and what prompted it, and what differentiated it from privilege. And the few responses I got back seemed to agree that privilege was denying that problems caused the need to re-write, vs just an active imagination.
So if there are other things that interest me(in a given media) then I have something to lose; I've been captivated and I don't want to have to come down from that experience. So in order to make the media palatable to me I have to work around/re-write/re-think the scuzzy parts - that is the problems.
But if the loss is far too big; if the scuzzy parts take over something conceptual I was waiting for, along with taking over too many other parts of the show/book, then there's no point in re-writing, because that'd be basically doing it all over from scratch - not imagining if this or that pitfall had been avoided / could be reinterpreted as something else.
This hints at a continuum for me and reminds me of when ![[info]](http://www.insanejournal.com/img/openid-profile.gif) zvi-likes-tv.livejournal.com wrote a post asking and eventually describing the attributes that make a show fannish. (I can't find said post now, so Zvi if you're reading and you remember what I'm talking about could you drop a line? I think you did tables and it had something to do with less content = more fandom filling)
Even without checking Zvi's post though, I think it's safe to say for me there does seem to be a continuum. If I place Memoirs of a Geisha on one end and SGA on the other, it feels Smallville is an example of a show that started somewhat near the middle and eventually drifted right into SGA's side of the fence and thus I dropped it completely.
(odd aside: I dropped Smallville before I dropped SGA I think. And yet SGA definitely feels like the best marker for the disappointed side of the spectrum. Maybe because the moment they changed Elizabeth I immediately started watching the show in my head, whereas that was something I turned to in Smallville until I couldn't anymore) When can't I watch the show in my head? When there's not enough to anchor me into the world of the show itself, I guess. When there's not enough to draw me in to be invested and caring if I 'throw out the baby with the bathwater'. But that phrase makes me think about privilege again and how I have heard that phrase used when I've complained about what a show or series of books or comic etc was lacking. I have been accused of doing that, while harshing someone's buzz about their show because I was letting a little thing upset everything. But the point is, it isn't little to me. Everyone probably has different things that cross the line from needing to Watch The Show In Your Head to being Unable To Watch. Maybe continuum isn't the best word choice. Scales suddenly seem much better. If a show starts off balanced with things that interest me and no, or little problems then I can watch it. As things go wrong, as problems begin, in order for me to keep watching, then I need to watch the show in my head. But as the problems pile up things become very lopsided and when I think of it in terms of weight, then suddenly I need energy to deal with that weight. I guess I feel like there probably needs to be respect for the fact that when you can't watch anymore, it means there's too much weighed on the side of dislike and disappointment. And those weights can be aspects of racism, sexism, classcism, national isolationism or just not enough plot (ala, in some Urban Fantasy novels - being unable to read the book you're reading in your head vs the actual text). *ponders* I doubt there'll be a part three, I'm currently tired of thinking and typing. But I think I'm going to pay more attention to when someone tells me they can't even watch the show in their heads anymore and I hope those who know me will pay attention to me when I say the same thing. Hmm, best thing about doing the opposite was in realizing that the very act of Watching The Show In My Head, means that I'm working around problems I see; whether or not I'm conscious of what I'm doing, whether or not the discomfort is momentary or even lucid.
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Oh this is aggravating. Sometime within the last month I had a breakthrough on something in my writing that I hadn't at all been confident or sure about. I can remember writing it down and even having to squeeze some bits in under the last line of the page.
What I can't remember is quite what I wrote.
And I can't find the damn thing anywhere!
I thought I'd set up a system to be organized when something hit me. I keep a book by my bed and one by the tv, so I can write down thoughts if I'm inspired by an image, or if something filters into my mind before I fall asleep. The first step is always to input it into the computer the next day - if it's very important.
I even have a program I use with flow charts to help the info make a kind of sense despite being disjointed.
But apparently that's not enough - because I can't find any sign or notes that this breakthrough ever existed. I can remember lying down in bed and writing, but it's not in the bedside notebook, or the livingroom notebook. It's not any notebooks I've just frantically dug through boxes and found, it's not in my pocket notebook - for writing out thoughts when I'm on the go. It. is. nowhere.
And yes of course I can just 're-create'. But I'd really liked the decisions I'd made. Re-creating means trying to remember, or having to make decisions all over again. And right now I can't remember why I made the decisions I did - but I do remember making NOTES to myself explaining.
So. Frustrating.
I feel as if there's no system I could ever come up with that would help me stay organized in my writing!
x-posted to ![[info]](http://www.insanejournal.com/img/community.gif) writers_whinge
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Discussing Memoirs of a Geisha with tatterpunk@LJ, here, I stumbled into the thought that watching the show in your head has similarities to privilege and how things are ignored or invisible or immediately dismissed when one re-writes the narrative on the fly.
As I stated here I began to wonder if the difference between watching the show you want to see as a fan (in fandom, discussing the source and interacting with it and having that mentality) and watching the show as a 'mundane' is that discussing the source and talking about it brings you moments of realizing just exactly how and where and why you ended up seeing what you wanted to see.
In Memoirs of a Geisha, I saw tropes I loathed and so I chose to interpret them in ways that made me feel more comfortable with the story and that gave the characters more depth. But I suddenly realized there might be no difference in the actions themselves to someone who chooses not to see the racial problems and dynamics of say SGA with Teyla and Ronon, or racial dynamics in any other tv show or book/fandom property.
When brought up in discussion I can tell you why I chose to see something in a particular way. But while watching it, I don't think I was at all consciously aware of what I was doing. I was so wrapped up in the music and the costumes and the cinematography that I didn't want to have shallow stereotypes ruin things, so I changed my view. I ignored things and created my own fannish reality. If I wrote a review analyzing Memoirs, for example, I'm not sure if I'd have written about the movie I wanted to watch, or the movie I actually did watch. And I wonder if it's only in fandom that someone would understand what I did and understand that my interpretation was my reactions to the things that bothered me and thus were an acknowledgement those things existed.
So I'm suddenly confused about how my re-writing of the story acknowledges what's wrong with it vs how someone else who watched what they wanted to see, might have been blinded by privilege.
Is it privilege to re-write like that?
Is this precisely what infuriates me about the fans who watch SGA for example and see Ronon the MoC Fantasy Fodder and completely miss or dismiss valid notes on racism, colonialism and manifest destiny?
I admit that slash is an example of re-writing thing on the fly. You watch the show and you see subtext and you fill in backstory even if you never write it out as fic (perhaps you postulate in a meta post). But the point is you filter your experience. Is my anger at the fans who dismiss my and others complaints about the hurtful aspects of some shows, as turbulent as it is because I'm already aware they have an ability to filter their experience and I'm angry that they don't consider using my filter?
I'd probably be writing a much less hesitant post if I could figure out the right words to describe this moment of confusilation (it's like illumination, but with confusion)
ETA: Pt 2 (I'm not sure why Metafandom listed it under an SGA tag. But I do discuss SGA in part 2, which I only just posted Saturday the 23rd Aug)
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I loved you before. I loved you anyway.
But you bought me food, which is so damn sweet and loving and....
*hugs and loves and is speechless and happy!*
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| 2008-08-19 00:56 |
| Just wasted 11$ on delivery |
| Public |
 pissed off |
| diaf |
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You have no idea how badly I want to blow up the place that took an hour to delivery my food, and then insisted even though I have proof they didn't pay attention to me - they never told the delivery person to go to the basement apt - they insisted I ordered 'cheese' not 'beef'. So the beef I figured would help stop the gnawing perpetually hungry thing going on inside, that's not being appeased by iron tablets?
Nothing.
FUCK!
So, balancing point to Willow's Sette for the wonderful landlady? There's only one fucking delivery place in the area that knows what the fuck it's doing; has competent delivery people and doesn't mess up an order. Unfortunately, it closes incredibly early for a delivery place. Only half making up for that - it cooks Indian food.
FUCK I'm still so pissed. There's nothing like being gnawingly hungry, in pain (hello Tropical Storm/Hurricane), and having tried to do the right thing and not hold out and convince myself to wait and make tomorrow some sort of special treat - only to have things fuck up so monumentously.
FUCK.
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- got up
- changed two lightbolbs
- vaccumed
- wiped down bathroom counter
---
- need to feed myself
- need to shower
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This: http://spinningspinsters.wordpress.com/2008/03/03/in-the-tradition-of-the-wickedary-part-two-by-dissenter/
Anyone have links to people who're not so 'OMG, look at the CRAZY WOMAN', that they've actually posted responses in their own journal spaces? Miss Thing having decided that other spaces in fandom are pro-slash, so she hid/deleted all defenses of slash on her post and won't allow others.
Mallet hon? Don't look. That link heads towards one of those ALL MEN ARE OPPRESSORS bs. Actually das_dingi, you shouldn't look either.
I can't even finish reading it myself, my mind keeps being blown apart by the bright pink neon letters that say: My Cisgendered Female Self Has Been Oppressed By The Patriarchy! With a little "Rise up my sisters everywhere and defeat this self repugnance against feminine qualities - bash the oppressors" and other nonsense.
I want to have a strong analytical argument about the essay. But all I can do is shake my head and think "Wow, she's full of shit." Maybe the essay is turning me towards my inner Clint Eastwood - taciturn and orally fixated (yeah yeah, I'm already orally fixated - but who's counting).
WWS - Coming To devour A Meta Fandom Near You.
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I love my weekend conversations with my Dad!!!
Love love love!
I love the validation. I love the fact that MOLB is getting this informed, laid back parenting. And I love being loved!
( Note taking about Willow's Sette )
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I threw out trash, loaded the dishwasher (haven't turned it on yet, will before bed) - all because the landlady is sending someone 'round tomorrow to fix up some odds and ends; cover some spots with paint, see about the hole the mouse came in through, etc.
But I'm so crampy and sore and achy I'm anxious at the thought of anyone in my home. Plus I always feel so guilty when she shows up and I don't seem to have made significant progress unpacking. Never mind that I told her it'd probably take me 6 months to a year. It just always feels like I'm not keeping the place tidy enough and she'll regret my lease.
Still want to do nothing but hide in my bedroom tomorrow. It's too much; this thinking the other shoe is going to drop. I'm overexposed and raw still from the past two years.
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Who has problems with viewing images? I have my account set to image place holder for all images 640x840 but things smaller are almost always replaced with image holders. If I'm not logged in and go to my flist, I can see when someone posts pics of their little dragons or a gip, or a quiz, etc. But logged in - nada.
I don't want to open up a support request if someone on my flist knows what I'm doing wrong. Support's general response to things right now seems to be 'What browser are you using, and please use a different browser to test' - for everything.
I seriously doubt a different browser is my problem. I'm fairly certain it's iJay not reading my viewing request properly.
ETA: Has anyone also heard ANYTHING about why openid accounts who comment don't have their comments forwarded to email?
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exhausted
stressed
anxious
irked
irked
hungry
thoughtful
mellow
frustrated
loved
meh
incredulous