By Any Other Name
the tale of Willow

Willow
Date: 01:54PM | Mon, September 3rd | 2012
Subject: This Journal Is Closed
Security: Public

At least for the moment. At least as public entries is concerned. It feels weird and somewhat anxiety ridden to even post this here right now. But I want community which I'm not getting from iJay. And with it, privacy (control over privacy).

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Willow
Date: 02:05PM | Sat, August 25th | 2012
Subject: Ow
Security: Public
Mood:pained pained
Tags:--

1. My groceries came, yay grocers

2. While getting them, something in my legs gave out, I stumbled, weaved and fell, brought down and fell on a trashcan, slammed my knees into wet outdoor carpet, and my hands scratch on cement. Totally alarmed the guy who delivers my groceries.

3. Now I have sore knees, a sore aching back, a sore side, bruised elbows, sore hands, a sore neck. So much damn ow.

4. Having groceries is good. Having mango juice and lamb is good. Falling is not so good. Seriously not so good. Was already having nerve pain this week. Is this day a draw?

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Willow
Date: 01:26PM | Fri, August 24th | 2012
Subject: --
Security: Public
Tags:--self care--

Am considering closing/stopping this journal. Maybe starting one that's all private. Which is the opposite of why I keep my journal public in the first place. Maybe it's my current mood. Or maybe I just need more privacy these days. Don't know yet. But I haven't been writing here a lot lately, when I usually would be. If thinking about writing here freezes me up - it's not doing what it's been doing for so many years. What it's become - something more than just my thoughts and a record of my life - but a therapy tool.

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Willow
Date: 01:18PM | Fri, August 24th | 2012
Subject: --
Security: Public
Tags:--

Trying to work myself into going to therapy today. Been trying since 6am. Somehow I don't think it's going to work. Once upon a time I could have bribed myself with some treat; and by myself I mean the aspects of me that feel things the most. But I can't eat a whole lot anymore in terms of 'treats'. And stores have changed on top of everything. I'm more likely toget the few things I can have and do want treatwise by jyst buying groceries and having them delivered - rather than trying to hit certain stores downtown in the middle of a hot afternoon, via walking, while in pain and dealing with... feelings.

I figured something the nurse practitioner who's part of the clinic of lies - but whom was spoken to by my therapist; I've figured out this thing she did this past week and a half of having someone call me and tell me basically that my meds are hostage to coming in for an appt, has me pissed, furious and panic attack upset. This kind of with-holding or threatening to, something fundamental to my well being in order to coerce my compliance, doesn't go well with me. It's a HUGE trigger. And now, having finally recognized there's no way I'm forcing myself in to see her (I cancelled the first forced appt due to personal issues that were unrelated) - I'm still too wound up.

I can type. not feeling at all vocal. Gong to therapy feels like it'd be stressing out with getting there to sit and glare at the therapist. And then after time spent trying to warm up to speak, having to focus to get back home again and nothing along the way to congratulate myselves for going through it. Little goals, little prizes. Right now I have none.

I'm achy and shaking and randomly in tears over this, but if I manage to call him and get more than an eek out.... I LOATHE the insecurity of therapist's email. It being the reason I don't have his address, because it's not secure so nothing personal can be put on there, blah blah blah. So I can't communicate this way and have to 'talk'. Out loud. And that's just not happening.



---
Distracted side note; iJay is a ghostland. Yeah. Still haven't fully thought through how that will be dealt with. Basically no one I follow etc posts there anymore or do so rarely when they remember to xpost from DW. And I've got wound up emotions with lost links to post due to DW issues and trying to repost and fix them and deleting and lost history and being unable to back up my journal brain and... ugh. Old ish. Old old ish. But getting to a state of prominent 'need to move on/take care of'.

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Willow
Date: 08:17AM | Wed, August 22nd | 2012
Subject: So... Mortal Kombat: Legacy
Security: Public
Tags:question everything

Apparently that viral video/movie (please make it thingy) of a realistic Mortal Kombat, became a web series. Yeah yeah, good to see Jeri Ryan getting work (outside of guest appearances in say Leverage) and an Jai White - whoo! But uhm, Kitana and Mileena. Why is the 'non good twin' more visibly/recognizably* East Asian? Why were the King and Queen white? Shao Kahn, white? But Shang Tsung, a 'magical' bad guy, visibly Asian? And then they tell you 'the twins were identifical in every way except...' - one was evil. The one that looks visibly Asian. The hell?

*It occurs to me I'm not phrasing this right. No clue how to, however. Pointers welcome. Easily recognizeable as (East)Asian? Recognizalbe to general clueless audiences as (East) Asian? And I keep having to add the East in there, because I realize I'm thinking broad terms in Asian, but what I'm really wanting to discuss is East Asian seeming attributes. Grr arrgh, ugh - maybe it's easier just not to watch and stop trying to explain what I'm seeing and how it's irking/bugging/ grating on me.

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Willow
Date: 10:55AM | Sun, August 19th | 2012
Subject: ... Did Nate Get A Bump On The Head, Enter A Coma, Is Dreaming & I Missed It?
Security: Public

Trying to get caught up on LEVERAGE (tv series), wondering if it'd help me relax. Haven't slept since I can't relax enough to sleep. And I'm on the new season, and Ep 3 has me wondering why they're phoning it in. And now Ep 4, and everyone seems to be acting ridiculous; like bowlderized versions of themselves; caracitures of themselves.

The writing is off, the plots seem phoned in, the schemes don't seem SMART, the character rhythms are off - it's like bad fanfic from someone who didn't even watch the show, but just read other bad fanfic.

... What? Anyone have a clue? Hello the world? Leverage? Remember the show?

At least Parker/Hardison/Eliot are like an old married couple I like watching even if bowderlized.

ETA: There was a knife fight with Eliot, and I got bored and fast forwaded. A knife fight. Eliot. But it was boring. WTF?

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Willow
Date: 09:16AM | Mon, August 13th | 2012
Subject: I Missed The Whole Olympics
Security: Public
Tags:about me

Mostly.

Tumblr kept me up to date on stuff; that I then went and found on youtube. But not having cable - and being unable to get my digital converter to work (I had trouble getting cable without a power booster, so I'm beginning to wonder if a digital converter can work in my garden/basement apartment) - I wasn't even exposed to NBC, which seems more and more like it was a good thing.

Once upon a time I dreamed about the Olympics. I couldn't be pulled away from track and field (specifically) and gymnastics or rthymic gymnastics. And I really didn't do much at all - I didn't care to fuss to find anything.

I'm so tired of the Americancentric converage of so many things; of the white centric coverage - I just couldn't willingly go through any of it. My thoughts were with the athletes, all of them, but I couldn't make myself hunt down a stream to watch.

Given therapy this past Friday; I'm probably still fighting off a lot of depression and anxiety about some things (mentioned privately.) And I'm in shock, still, I think. It could last a little while, I'm told. There was one terrifying, horrible, black-hole, firepain, heart thumping horrifying moment that even thinking about to write this, leaves me with tears in my eyes and the slight shakes.

Meanwhile... meanwhile iJay's gotten extremely lonely - in the sense of not that many people writing about their daily lives here anymore. Which isn't good. Journal network/socializing helps me feel less disconnected from the world. That hasn't been happening lately. I have priorities to figure out.

I should be asleep right now; but I'm currently wound up. I contemplating popping outto pick some things up, since I am up. But Friday utterly exhausted me. With additional pain issues. It kind of scared me. My therapist mentioned a huge shock, even just emotional can make the body crave protein to heal. I think it's also tensed me up, set my skeleton out of tune again, and walking on Friday didn't help - nor did carrying a heavy bag of groceries (other people stop in a restaurant for a treat of a meal, I buy and cook mine at home to prevent allergies).

Thursday and Wed, I was having serious tracking issues. At one point I went outside and forgot I'd just turned the stove on. I'm fine. The apt is fine. I do need to buy a new frying pan. But it's making me hesitant to leave the house - Friday's exhaustion likely also came from how much concentration it took to be out dealing with traffic and strangers.

Also the latter half of the year's beginning to be a very anxiety inducing, depressing time for me.

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Willow
Date: 10:29PM | Thu, August 9th | 2012
Subject: Thought I Am Apparently Having Waaaay Too Late
Security: Public
Tags:thinky thoughts

So in Mass Effect 3, there is the potential opportunity to see Tali Vas Etc... - to see her face. And it is on her planet. That's not my point. My point is she takes off her faceplate cause her planet's safe for her - right? How the hell is it safe? Shepard has to have germs and bacteria on his armor, and I know the Reapers didn't sterilize before they went kicking it on the planet. And the Geth didn't have to worry about any of that. So... are her planet's germs supposed to PROTECT her from outsider germs? Or was there just not any thinking about how it might take say, maybe a year, before her planet's air was truly breathable for her?

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Willow
Date: 09:33PM | Mon, July 30th | 2012
Subject: Obli-Flist-Kenobi
Security: Public
Tags:obi-flist-kenobi

Well, assuming anyone's out there and not busy fighting the Empire. I need to buy a router. Things have chaaaaanged in the years since I last looked into this. And while I know some stuff (mosty yay encryption and privacy) - I do not know enough. I'm very much in a plug it in and forget about it frame of mind. I'd like something relatively inexpesive. That is - 100$ stuff will gain serious cuteye.

So any suggestions? Basically I just want to be able to connect via Kindles.

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Willow
Date: 01:44PM | Sat, July 28th | 2012
Subject: Haven't Seen TDKR, but am very confused
Security: Public
Tags:lil help?

Can someone who's seen 'The Dark Knight Rises' Movie, and who knows non-movieverse aka graphic novels, comics and prose novels - let me know the scenario involved in the movie is a Nolan spin on NML?

I'm listening to a review with spoilers and right now I'm very surprised not one of them has mentioned any similarities - not even the premise of No Man's Land. They mention Knight Falls, but not NML - it's a little, bzhuah?

Anyway, I'm not planning to see the movie for -well, significant ages. DK was an interesting movie, a good summer movie. A good super hero movie, even. And I liked the character development of B, J and T. But it didn't feel like a Batman movie to me all the same. So I'm not in a rush to see this last one.

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Willow
Date: 12:32PM | Thu, July 26th | 2012
Subject: ow
Security: Public

Twitter is down. It's supposed to get up to 103F today - currently at 90. But my bones ache in the worse way and I really wanted to pick up some dinner/groceries downtown along with making it to therapy. However, right now? I can barely move. For once the weather.com aches and pain meter is coordinating with what I'm feeling. It says 6. My painscale is all 'We're a 7'. Close enough. I really need groceries and it's officially too late to order them for today. And there is no take-out possible that I could eat. Ow.

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Willow
Date: 11:37PM | Wed, July 25th | 2012
Subject: In Other Other News
Security: Public
Tags::( frowny face, games: general

I really enjoyed 'Magical Diary - Horse Hall'. And I've been poking around at other visual novel/life simulation stuff. Problem is, I think MD:HH spoiled me. Because limited as it was, there was character creation, and choice of responses. The next thing to interest in was - well actually the next/similar time was 'Long Live The Queen'. But it causes far too much anxiety at the moment. So, the next life sim/dating sim was 'Lucky Rabbit Reflex'. Which at first I thought was really cool. And now I realize, it's not.

Lucky Rabbit is set in England, surrounding 6th form. Ahh 6th form. Anyway, the character's personality - at least their - her private responses are set. I've yet to figure out if choosing a birthdate affects that or not. The game seems very involved and that's the part I liked. I liked that one of the goals is also to get a best friend among the girls - if I can't date one, actively working on a friendship is a good option. But it's in the dating/interacting with the guys that I've gotten my hugest turn off.

I'm just mucking about with the demo right now, and played through once and didn't much notice anything wrong at all. I was so excited. Then last night, as a calmer before bed, I mucked with the Demo again. What happened? I picked a different guy, just to see and well, I rapidly hit on the realization that this particular guy seems to have a problem with girls who don't have a problem eating good food, lots of it, and ingulging in hamburgers.

While I was pondering if what I thought was going on, was really gong on, I went perusing the game's forum. And there it was; 'to get your guy, you need to wear what he likes, and eat what he likes'...

Yeah...

So first time though, I was chilling with the brown dude, who plays sports and didn't have a problem with a geeky girl, with a big appetite who was also into sports and gaming etc.. And I didn't think much of it. Second time through, as a girl who's got no problem scarfing a burger, while dressing dainty - is apparently way too much a contradiction for the game's writing. Elegant girls might perhaps need salad and water.

I have issues with that. I have issues with a script that says; you can't get the guy unless you dress the way he likes, eat the way he likes, and have his exact interests. I don't like the message that sends. I find that really upsetting.

Really upsetting.

As if what you like about a person, what interests you about them; the light of their personality and soul is nothing compared to the right clothes, the right diet, the right look, and matching you for everything. As if relationships aren't about challenging one another and complimenting one another and supporting one another, friendships or more.

And I hate the excuse that it's all 'due to the limits of the game format'. There were things about Magical Diary I disliked too, and spoke to the creators about. A plot scene I found abusive. But even there, whatever guy or gal you ended up with? 80% of the time, you could play the character your way; choose what magics they liked, were they brainy or not? Pranky or not? Making friends with their roommates or not? Making other friends or not? Concerned about following the rules or not? Concerned about their fellow students or not? It was all up to you. Your personality and caring is what got people, characters interested in you. And that can happen no matter what shows you watch, food you eat, clothes you wear.

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Willow
Date: 10:54PM | Wed, July 25th | 2012
Subject: The Housefly Massacre
Security: Public
Tags:my house has rules, willow's warren

The sniping had been bad enough; suddenly out of nowhere, fly after fly after fly down; the rest zig-zagging, or in frantic loop de loops, running laps to evade. Team after team gone, but needed to try and infiltrate. But then came the ultimate, the awful; the strip. Good, decent flies left trapped and helpless, screaming and buzzing, never to escape again. An example. The area was no longer just a hot zone. It was a signal, a personal horror. And worse, the snipers seemed to be herding them all towards the danger line. They should never have come to this house.

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Willow
Date: 06:19PM | Wed, July 25th | 2012
Subject: I Officially No Longer Have Cable
Security: Public
Mood:--
Tags:willow's warren

But I also am likely to have new upstairs neighbours within 3 months. So, that is something of a plus. Meanwhile I'm trying to figure out how to connect the tv converter box. I've decided I need to eat food first before I mess with it more - figure out the tv in / tv out bits so I can get regular channels.

Meanwhile, how's Netflix online viewing for watching random stuff when one feels like it? I just cancelled my Netflix subscription (vs having it on hold for almost a year and change) and when not active, one can't really see much of ANYTHING in terms of selection and what's available online. And apparently there's a HULU+ ? I don't think I watch tv often enough for that. But the landlady doesn't think it's fair I don't get to watch some movies and would like to see about paying for my subscription - seriously when I say these current upstairs neighbours messed everything up when they pissed her off? I seriously mean it.

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Willow
Date: 04:38PM | Sat, July 21st | 2012
Subject: Wow iJay Is Hella Lonely
Security: Public

Everyone's on DW or Tumblr or somewhere else... I guess iJay is officially these days, except for my one percent - for the RPers. Greatestjournal 2.0.

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Willow
Date: 06:12PM | Fri, July 13th | 2012
Subject: Friday
Security: Public
Tags:energy level 5, errands: running around, exhaustion scale: 4, therapy / therapy day

My day started fairly ok - then I went to bring the bins in from the back curb, only to find they'd already been brought in and actually lined (with the extras I keep out back for emergencies). I checked they were clean, added the deoderizer. But considering that last week when the landlady visited; she brought up that the upstairs neighbours were having a cow over whether or not I get paid to deal with the bins? I think someone is seriously trying to get on her good side - or itching for the chance to say 'She hasn't been doing it - we've been doing it'. Cause the landlady pointed out, I get paid to bring the bins in, and keep them clean and tidy. Not to take them out to the curb in time for the trash (though it's something I also have done - and usually do. Except now of course when people are trying to play nice).

So I left her an email letting her know what was going on. So there are no surprises. And also because I really do appreciate the fact she considers me responsible and she knows, that I've been doing this for the past 2 years now, even if I"m sick or not feeling well etc - walking all around the neighbourhood to collect the bins if they are misplaced or stolen, etc. Replacing bins for neighbours when upstairs takes other people's bins to use, etc...etc...

Having a cow over me being responsible?

And my landlady really touches me when she said she likes giving me the little stipend and she hopes I spend it on mango sorbet and lamb and little extras; cause she knows I've been dealing with health issues etc.

There really is something to be said for developing a relationship of mutual respect with people.

Outside of 'Conspiracy At The House'... Therapy was, intense. Really intense. Issues of guilt were brought up, that I'm not trying to wrap my head around. Cause guilt's, on one level fairly useless but pyschologically speaking I'm told it's also a coping mechanism and the thing to do is find out what you're coping for and deal with it/utilize a healthier tool. (Trying to imagine telling that to ppl w/ white guilt who clutch colour blind theories - headache.)

So this is going to be a heavy mental week going forward from today I think. Cause there's a lot going on; some things even tied into my mom - and I actually didn't see the connection coming AT ALL.

On the way home, everything I wanted to treat myself to wasn't available. No sorbet, no lamb. I considered chocolate but the one I would have risked a reaction for, had further changed it's recipe. No more liquior. But I must have been calling unconsciously on the Chocolate Spirits - because someone got on the bus selling some for their church. And an older gentleman insisting on buying me one even though I said 'no thank you'.

I'm not sure if it was creepy or not. I've been rethinking my interactions with older men. I thought I recognized creepy interactions; implicit 'and now you'll owe me - I expect something - your body isn't yours'. Right now the only vibe I'm getting, is the chocolate was a buck, and he probably thought I was pretty.

Anyway, of course I can't eat it. I'd already checked and it's full of allergens for me. But I made sure to get dark chocolate. So next time Zvi visits - she'll have a chocolate bar.

Now to rest up, cook dinner and the one thing I did find was some mango juice - so I'm going to wash some popsicle sticks and see what happens.

Sidenote of Also: I am getting so damn sick of companies randomly changing the ingredients of a product. Not just the chocolate. But I hinted all week to find a vitamin mineral supplament that really helps me digest my food better. When I went to pick it up today? They'd added soy lecithin. I bought some, but I can't remember if soy lecithin will affect me the same way as soy. It's too hot, and I was too tired to not just buy some so I could have it if it's good at home. And if not, next time out - I guess it'll be 'return time'.

ETA: Re - Soy Lecithin. When the answer is 'Only a tiny percentage of people are ever usually affected'. It is in fact saying 'Willow? This will eff you up girl! Don't play! Don't put that in your body!'. So I guess I'll have to order from somewhere and take these back next time I'm out. Cause I am damn near always 'The Negligibile 1-2 %'.

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Willow
Date: 02:31PM | Sun, July 8th | 2012
Subject: Upstairs = Triffling
Security: Public
Tags:wtf!

So yesterday my landlady came with an amendment to the lease; she's no longer paying for cable. Upstairs abused and misused their cable privileges, ran up all sorts of money and the landlady isn't having it anymore. TODAY, MYSTERIOUSLY, they keep tripping the main for the whole first floor. And telling her 'No, nothing's different. We didn't plug in anything extra'.

Meanwhile, the person who has to go in the back and untrip the main breaker for their 1st floor - is me. And the landlady has to call me to do it; cause there's no communication between me and upstairs. So whatever they're playing at, they're disrupting 2 Sundays. And I'm already having a time of it; not up to cooking, feeling hungry and woozy, trying to bring myself to figure some food out - wishing I could just order something and get a reprieve and knowing I can't.

I can't. I just... seriously? This whole thing with them? When I looked at the lease amendment? I've been here 4 yrs. 4 yrs of stability and a good relationship with my landlady. I treasure this. I feel blessed. I remain in awe that someone could not appreciate what they have up there.

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Willow
Date: 03:34PM | Thu, June 28th | 2012
Subject: Attempt To Discuss My Family Visit #2
Security: Public
Tags:clothing, health: physical, stuff, thinky thoughts

There were things bought when I was visiting my mom and sibs. I spent more money than I expected there and for the month (I bought games prepatory to to help me calm down to go). But I needed (and still need a few items) clothes. One would think, the way my mom wouldn't stop talking about my weight loss than she'd do the bunch of buying - but 1) not so much and 2) the bulk of things she held up for me when we did go shopping together? I didn't like or I found too big for me just looking at it.

It was kind of bizarre, how what I bought for myself, she kept telling me to get a smaller size. But things she picked up to show me, didn't work with either my style or my sense of my body shape.

Meanwhile I was trying to take deep breaths for every comment on my size, my waist, my health and energy levels, what I ate. That last bit is non ha ha funny. because unlike Thanksgiving there were several times there was nothing in the house for me to eat. Times when things got bought and brought to the house I couldn't eat. The odd circumstance of being in a car filled with people nomming on Burger King and I'm sipping water. And my mom's apologising to me for it and it's just awkward and I spent a lot of time wishing they'd just not make a big deal over the fact I couldn't eat what they did and also wishing they'd REMEMBER what I couldn't eat.

I had at least one allergic reaction and one meal I couldn't touch cause they forgot and added capsacin pepper.

Meanwhile my sister thinks I'm girly for wearing skirts. And I felt caught in a strange; I like what I like. I don't think of it as girly or not girly. I like certain fits and I like certain pretty things and maybe my tastes have been modified by what's been available in my previous size - I don't know. I'm focused on comfort these days and things that make me smile when I'm wearing them either and I don't necessarily note the smile inducing is associated with something 'boyish' or 'girlish'.

Among other things? We ended up 'The Walking Company'. Teal deer - my sister needs chiropractic adjustments to her back and arch support. I ended up picking up very expensive non podiatrist arch supports and now am pondering getting a referral TO an podiatrist, because the budget blowing purchase? Led to me standing up straighter, walking easier (in fact raising the height of my cane) and reducing hip pain by 53%. I was able to walk about in a MALL, with a summer storm on the horizon and the barometric pressure up the wahzoo at near NYC speeds. I almost felt like myself again, like I knew my body. So now I have all sorts of thinky pondering thoughts about alignment and foot problems etc... And the long ass search for a PCP.

Even before the supports - I was able to leave the house every day I was there to go out shopping and do stuff for hours. I know part of it is that if I felt ill, the car was RIGHT THERE. I had a private place to go sit down and not have to worry how to get home. But it's also boosted my spirits somewhat to know how much better I'm doing on my thyroid medications. That I have more spoons these days than I'd realized. More physical spoons at least. I needed yesterday to try and recover some emotional ones.

Meanwhile I might ponder cheaper shoe support/arch supports. It could mean less expensive shoes, balanced by something keeping me in alignment (that could be put in other shoes) and a spreading around of my funds. Which I'd appreciate.

And I'll be pondering the wardrobe my sister and mother claim is FAR TOO BIG - which I thought was only a 'little loose'.

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Willow
Date: 10:17AM | Wed, June 27th | 2012
Subject: Home / Back
Security: Public

Huh, thought I posted last night that I was back. Guess not. Home now. Visit was... complex. For many reasons. Probably should right about it. But not right now. Recovering.

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Willow
Date: 09:27AM | Wed, June 20th | 2012
Subject: Off To Visit In A Few Hours
Security: Public
Tags:visiting

Since I'm not sure where I'll end up (looong story) - my only net access may be through my Kindle. Which means limited communications, likely mostly through twitter and this journal.

Now off for my brother's graduation. Woo!

And y'know, dealing with my mom and stepmother (big deep breath)

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Willow
Date: 08:14PM | Fri, June 15th | 2012
Subject: It might not be the dominant cultural thing to walk away - but my soul needs air
Security: Public
Tags:games: general, i hate people, ig'nant ppl, shit fuck damn, wth?

... I am having some kind of moment. Just, some kind of moment. I am fed up with people so in their thoughts and feelings they can't utilize reading comprehension - start bullshit talking to you explaining their position against a position you never even TOOK; which they would know, if they had actually READ YOUR WORDS & TOOK SPACE TO COMPREHEND THEM.

And it's irking me, but I'm not going to respond, cause I already said I was through discussing anything with them. But I'm just stuck solid, on their need to pull out; but the one who notices the problem is actually the problem. And no, this isn't even about race. This is about a bloody game, that I liked but had a complaint about that the creators found applicable and they and I were discussing options for an update to add some stuff. And here comes this person all; but that's just the way these games are, but that's just how this character is, and to call them on their actions is to be as unreasonable and angry and dangerous as you're claiming they were - you need to be more introspective.

Whereas I'd said ; whoa, what happened there was kind of freaky and I found the character's apology to be milkwater, is it possible to have a chance to call them on their action? Mention they scared or hurt your char? Cause it seems kind of abusive, especially if you end up just taking their remarks and their weaksauce apology.

And the creators aggreed with me. We'd spend the day working out possibilities as well as discussing stuff. Back and forth on the board. And then here comes this two legged turd.

I can't even. I just can't. But y'know, I should have been warned the moment the person was all 'It's a 50 Shades of Grey thing'.

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Willow
Date: 03:44PM | Wed, June 13th | 2012
Subject: Annnd the final inspection is done
Security: Public
Mood:hungry hungry
Tags:willow's warren

So now I continue to rest, eat, and destress. Side note? Woke up this morning and there was considerably less cat hair all over the carpet. Leading me to wonder if MY heightened stress levels, led to the cat having heightened stress levels and pulling out her fur. Anyway, my brain on vacation until at least Friday.

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Willow
Date: 12:26PM | Tue, June 12th | 2012
Subject: Ding Dong The Bitch Is Gone!
Security: Public
Mood:relieved relieved
Tags:willow's warren

The Wicked Bitch Is Gone! Freedom, The Bitch Is Gone. The Nasty Bitch Is Gone!

Don't have to deal with her for a whole other year. And even though I didn't get some of the things I wanted to get when I left the house this morning, just KNOWING, it's OVER. Her judging, scrounge up face, ready to fine people for being poor, sick, weak and more, with her sniffing and checking the dishes in the sink, and peering in the toliet, and trailing her fingers for dust like some nasty bad movie monster-in-law, even though all she has to do is verify the apt for the city.... HER BITCHNASTINESS IS GONE.

I just, I left the house with twenty minutes for when she was to show up, cause I just wasn't gonna deal even a little bit. All my energy now, is for trying to get to my brother's graduation and dealing with my mother when I get there. And there was a moment there I thought the landlady had forgot, and wasn't coming and this black hole of pain, crying filled despair started to swallow me, and anger pulled me out and I was about to tell my very sweet landlady - well, reschedule cause I'm damn well not staying in the house!

Buuuuuut

OH YES THE BITCH IS GONE! THE EVIL BITCH IS GONE! GONE! GONE! BACK TO HER CAVE! THE WICKED BITCH IS GONE! EACH YEAR I HOPE SHE DIES! I HOPE THE BITCH JUST DIES! THIS YEAR I HOPE THE SAME! BUT NOW I JUST DON'T CARE! CAUSE THE WICKED BITCH IS GONE!

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Willow
Date: 09:26AM | Tue, June 12th | 2012
Subject: ...
Security: Public

I think my landlady forgot that THIS is the inspection where I don't deal with the inspector. If so, today .... // Scratch that. She's nearby. Good. Cause I was about to freak out and cry.

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Willow
Date: 04:04AM | Mon, June 11th | 2012
Subject: Today I Discovered 'Academagia'
Security: Public
Mood:pissed off pissed off
Tags:i will cut somebody, out of fucks

And so far have not found a single PoC character, not player character, not NPC in the game. So, despite the fact it seems intriguing; it's not getting my money. Even if it seems far more long lasting than 'Magical Diary' (from whence i found the link to it in the first place). Magical Diary allows you to create a brown character, and HAS brown character NPCs. So yeah, eff you too, 'Academagia'. I'm not going to pay for your game, then hunt down which coded files have the portraits, then find a program to safely open them, then either color people brown, or hunt to find a matching art style to add brown people, then save it and after ALL THAT PREP? Only then start enjoying myself.

And I might, MIGHT, if I'm feeling up to it? Email them to point out they don't have any brown characters that I can see. MIGHT. But I resent having to be 'ahem, perhaps there are brown and black folks, non white folks who'd like to play your game too and give you money and enjoy your creativity'. I RESENT IT. I'd like to know if I buy a game? I start it and BOOM; I can create someone that looks like me, my family, people I know, my neighbours, my community, my ancestors, and the majority of the fucking world.

My Herminone Is Black, Yo!

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Willow
Date: 01:13AM | Sun, June 10th | 2012
Subject: ... [Prometheus]
Security: Public
Mood:ugh
Tags:movies that suck

There's no way I was gonna watch the movie. Was listening to a review, then hunted down a spoiler page. And, now I'm half-laughing, half incredulous.

Spoilers: Based on the subtext I got from the spoiler summary )

Granted, I didn't watch the movie. It's what I picked up from the summary and the review I'm listening to, intrigued me, because one reviewer was mentioning how sloppy it is, with obviously many different hands, points of view and messages all over it and showing.

Apparently it may be a movie one has to see to possibly truly enjoy (though the reviewer I like just doesn't, two many let down, too many plot holes). But I am never going to watch something for atmosphere, that has that kind of atmosphere. So... noooope.

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Willow
Date: 12:11AM | Sun, June 10th | 2012
Subject: Distracting Myself By Jotting Thoughts About: First Class
Security: Public
Tags:movies i've seen, ughh

Computer went weird again. Brain can't handle the problem solving. Will do that tomorrow. Memory test came back fine this morning. So I don't even know. Is it the more modern browser so I could poke at Tumblr? In which case eff tumblr. But anyway, yesterday during the longest friday ever/the longest day eve part 1-to be continued tuesday; I fast forwarded through X-men First Class.

My Thoughts )

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Willow
Date: 08:14PM | Sat, June 9th | 2012
Subject: Things I Have Done Today
Security: Public
Mood:grumpy ni grumpypants grumpy ni grumpypants
Tags:computer adventures, my boo

Had a conversation, on the phone, with my boo. More people should have a boo. They just can't have my boo, unless they understand she is meant to be SHARED. No monogamous hogging of my boo! It is spoken. So shall it be done. Anyway, conversation, about computers, specifically, laptops. And how I am quite possibly mostly, perhaps even 80% a desktop girl.

I had found one I liked (laptop), with innards to do or mostly do what I'd like (yup, innards, so not in the brain space to break down the specs). And a purdy shiny outside, and it not being too heavy (cause just no, not with my random body issues) and an elevated battery that helps with cooling (air circulation for the laptop. whoop).

But the truth is, I apparently feel far more comfy, sliding my hd (and possibly even my dvd-rw) into, maybe a new chassis. Definitely feel ok about sliding a new motherboard( & thus memory) and cpu and game card into my current chassis.

For a moment a laptop seemed easier. But apparently ppl who'd get a laptop would get GINORMOUS desktop replacements, if they were, y'know, using it primarily at a desk. Whereas I just think it might be cool to have a wider keyboard when I'm away from home and needing to do a couple things online (Kindle Keyboard is kind of small).

Hmm. My main impetus for thinking of laptops was actually back pain and body pain. For the times when I want to be mentally active and not just reading, but can't quite 'sit at my desk'. Somewhere where I could lie down in bed, and still talk to people seemed cool. Portable movies like that - also cool.

So, maybe, one day, a tablet will be my complementary device to go with a desktop computer (a tablet w/ a damn keyboard attached SOMEHOW). While an e-reader will remain a way for me to not have to dust so many shelves of books. Thus leaving me willing to sneeze over the ones I have, as being personal and special to me. Which reminds me, I need to look up the ebook versions of a few books I have that I just 'have'. Cause really? There're not worth the itchy eyes.

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Willow
Date: 03:41PM | Sat, June 9th | 2012
Subject: Showing Off Teh Purdy
Security: Public
Mood:cranky cranky
Tags:about me

Pretty pretty medic alert braclet. Thank you [info]samidw(Sami)

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Willow
Date: 12:53AM | Sat, June 9th | 2012
Subject: Damnit Youtube
Security: Public
Mood:ughh! ughh!
Tags:i will cut somebody

Somewhere between updating my browser, cause it was acting like it had a bug - and possibly Youtube rolling out more 'new changes' [ETA: Aha! I have found ppl on userstyles.org complaining about a new rollout TODAY. So it IS them messing w/ my UI/UX], there's no longer a usable (to me) link to a channel's seasons or shows. Once before I could see each season, click on it, and get a list of the most recent episodes. Now it's all 'playlists' and in order to see the most recent episodes I have to click the list and scroll ALL the way to the bottom. And even then? Say I can't remember if I've seen the latest ep? I have to click on it again, so it loads, to see the damn date.

If it's not that complicated for people who are logged in - whoop to them. But not everyone wants (or needs) to be logged in to watch a video, or casually follow a channel or the like.

Uuugh.

I'm exhausted. I tried to nap on the sofa hours ago, didn't quite work. Had a bad dream. Went to bed, kids making noise in front of the house woke me up. It's summertime so being loud and screaming at 9 o'clock is apparently ok with them. Ugh. Computer being wibbly, atm. Hoping I figured out the problem - and if not, that my next prepared step is helpful. Too tired to talk to ppl, near too tired to think. Been a long. ass. day.

And now this.

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turn the page
By Any Other Name
of Willow
January 2016