I don't often talk about my diet, what I'm eating, not eating. It can trigger things for me, I know it definitely triggers things for other people. I've been writing about it a lot more here in my journal; dealing with health issues and gluten intolerance and the possibility of celiac disease. I picked up some books from the library today, recipes, eating, diabetes. And flipping through a few, one thing hit me immediately - I started putting more carbs b ack into my diet because I was so hungry all the time without them. And I need to write this out, in hopes I remember to bring it up with a nutritionist who might give a damn.
There's so much I want to journal; my siblings, my mother, people on the bus who call folks in wheelchair 'those people', bus drivers who insist the bus can only kneel for wheelchairs, etc. But this....my health, my blood sugar, blood pressure. The fact that it might not just be that in my hunger and with a lot of pain and mental lack of focus I turned to oatmeal which I may very well be allergic to - which put me sliding towards pastas and potatoes (I had turned back to rice almost immediately once I discovered I could have BROWN rice).
I had had a book about eating without carbs years ago when I was first dealing with diabetes (I hate saying that word, writing it, dealing with it - will talk about blood sugars from now on). I can't even remember it now, that book, but I know it had convinced me to cut out most carbs completely. Things only got introduced into my diet again when money became tighter and I couldn't afford to eat as I had been. Then I moved in with Zvi and things still seemed well under control with limited particular meals - blowing up only about 3-4 years ago. Wherein I got told, 'This is just how it is, you couldn't control it with diet forever, you need these medicines, some things are just genetic'. And no one asked me at all if my diet had changed or how much stress i was under or any of those things.
And well, my memory sucks unless I'm reading a story. I'm so used to blocking out parts of my life; pain, discomfort, bordem, depression, emotions in general. And I hadn't thought of getting cookbooks for inspiration. It was still in my head that you learned what you learned from your mother and grandmother, father and uncles and that was it. That was what you cooked, or you figured it out yourself. But cookbooks were for, well, bougie/tourist/impossibly complicated foods that had nothing to do with one's own culture and more.
There are so many standards of perfection in my head, let's not get into how warped it makes me. Let's not even get into the fact that I live my life crying from frustration trying to achieve perfection , which I know is impossible but had never before (until recently, talking with my therapist) realized was UNFRUITFUL and INSANE (as in repetitive actions with the same results but expecting different).
So here I am pondering a recipe book as a kind of food diary and food reminder, with, perhaps, notes about why I incorporated a thing, or took something out, or substituted etc.
I have no idea how this will all work with gluten-free. Do bean flours count as beans? So I suddenly eat meat and fish and vegtables with occasional fruit, but can make cakey bakey things with BEAN flour - which will help me feel full? Will they also balance out the worry that was created when I was told by some people I needed to eat less protein because that was damaging my liver?
I have to wonder what the Integrative Style Nutritionist might say to that. And HAVE to remember if I don't get a referral, to fork out 45% to see her in April (there's a special).
Heck I might even print this out. I don't know any other way to explain to a 'professional' about how food is filled with issues for me, and can make me cry and shiver. How I can have mindless eating zones, which is why I avoid finger foods. Or the periods in my life with extremely disordered eating etc; which could have contributed to my insides being messed up. Maybe all the things I did then, I DIDN'T get away with like I thought, if I'm so malnutrition now, missing minerals and vitamins etc, etc, etc...
I'm hoping. I am HOPING, that a recipe binder will be a way for me to deal with food without breaking into tears and shivering and feeling controlled and manipulated and wanting to purge.
When I say my eating has direct relationships to my mother, I'm not actually just saying that. I've even considering talking to my sibs about cookbooks and, perfection and the downfalls of disordered thinking. Seriously, sometimes I don't realize how messed up I am, until I have a revelation that clues me into HOW AN ENTIRE INDUSTRY HAS BEEN GOING ON FOR YEARS. Cookbooks, not just status decoration.
Meanwhile I'm going to be trying not to feel badly about drifting in my eating habits. I've been trying to do my best in the midst of a lot and the fact that I've been pushing to cook for myself so often is not something I'm going to pooh pooh on - especially cooking more than bowls of oatmeal.
Meanwhile I might poke in the few boxes I have left, and see if I bought any of those books I'd read several years ago. And I have some cookbooks about cooking for kids to flip through; because I have to want to eat it, and not just be an adult about it all the time. That's not realistic for me. Wanting to eat it, helps me focus on cooking the damn thing.
Hmm. I used to think of it as saving the 'carbs' for dessert. And I so want to go back and look at how that changed. Wonder just how hungry I was, how worried I was. Just how much did I feel attacked for my weight, etc - a thing which bloody well, as proven by the pounds I've lost in a year (I don't want to print a number right now, while feeling so whacky, but it's a lot) to be a reflection of THYROID problems - not me not eating right.
Yeah, fuck damn. A journal for FOOD. The way I have this journal for thoughts, that helps me process mental health stuff.
PS Semi Random: The realization that there are friends who died before they could ever have a moment of realizing how tugs on their sense of self from all corners was affecting their own eating, their own health, their own attempts to nurture and nourish themselves is extremely painful right now.
PPS: Is it possible to reverse diabetes twice ?
PPPS: So since 2007, when this all started, I was pondering giving up rice but somehow never went through with it? I need to have a talk with myselves and figure some stuff out.
THE NAME OF THE BOOK: Syndrome X. Hmm, I'm fairly certain I did buy it. But have no idea where it IS.