Vulnerability, Sexuality, Sensuality: Or Things That Have Made Me Feel Like A Freak
I've spent several days now, in a kind of daze (writing things out, on and off ) and I think I've come to some realizations. The first, is that vocabulary by itself is not what has me shocked, stunned, other words. Vocabulary is what has/had me questioning how I accepted the concept that something was wrong with me that needed to be fixed. How lack of vocabularly, led to me thinking something was physically wrong or psychologically wrong. And that the realization that I went to the I'm not like everyone else, therefore there is something wrong/broken with me place, that I bought into that, and accepted that, when in so many other areas of my life I wouldn't and haven't and thought I never would - that's where the upset, startled, dazed, shock comes from.
For the first time, I have more than general sympathy, and have empathy for all those stories I heard about; when I realized I was gay. I never had that. I've kind of always known I wanted a 'wife' and possibly a guy hanging around for sperm (long story). I had my - aha! others have thought of this, writers! I knew it! Moment. But even if I'd never found it, I never doubted I would find it. I never doubted it was out there. This, this is so solidly; there's a word for that? And with a word, with a basis, a foundation, without not thinking at all and having a blank space in my mind, I can find other words to identify with (not define myself, or label myself, but words that hold aspects of my personality, as much as needing the word orange to know if you like the colour or fruit orange).
Simple fact: I find relationships with women far easier in general and far far easier to reach a place of emotional intimacy and trust that results in a feeling of a bond that would have me think of the relationship becoming deeper (specifically romantic).
Simple fact: But if there was a male that earned my trust, that I connected to, I've never ruled out also having a male partner (that possibility now includes broader genders).
Shocking concept: Demisexuality - A demisexual is someone who is experiencing a level between sexuality and asexuality. The person does not experience sexual attraction to people based on appearance but rather on their level of intimate connection with the person. (Being unable to feel any sexual attraction with an individual until there is a strong emotional bond? Maybe the attraction is even caused by the depth of the bond?)**
Simple Me Fact: Even though it is true that so much of my life was about pretending to be normal, finding the median, reading books watching media choosing the wisest out of the paths I saw; observing and mimicking human behavior; none of those societally mainstream things could ever have clued me in to this. If I questioned certain things, there was the quick jump to 'are you a homosexual' and all that fall out - enough to to make me feel such emotions were very private, but also to assume they were right in their labels - that other people knew, so why would I search for anything else?
Shocking Thought: My responses to things, may NOT all have been cultural.(We aren't raised like that, etc...)
Shocking Thought: What assaults I have in my past may have been exacerbated by strict, unconscious mental rules about who gets to touch me, where, how and why.
Smack Bam Realization: All this may even be reflected in the erotica I find enticing vs stuff that leaves me feeling sick, agitated, repulsed, confused or cold (among other non aroused reactions).
Smack Bam Realization: My former approach to sex, may have been lots of Shoulding and Supposing all over myself. Trying to be what I thought was best without thinking of myself at all and my own wants/feelings/needs; something I have a habit of doing. (Note: One should be 'sex positive' - ahem, with all the shoulding that further entails.)
Thought: Though this may all also be a facet of me being me; the end result of consensus - me being myselves in a less hidden (at least in my own mind) way. Is this me as I've becoming healthier, listening to myselves more? Worrying about 'being normal' less?
Face Bam Moment: No wonder it jars me so much when characters in books and movies just seem to fall for one another. Yes, it may be a function of the writing that a relationship seems forced to others. But to me, how jarring I find it; How unrealistic and wrong I've been thinking it is - is something that cannot quite be explained. I can fumble it near close as; having no echoing feeling within myself that something could happen the way they said, within the time frame they said, about the characters they said. Thor is a good example. It made no sense to me, she thought he was pretty so there was liplocking? My brain just couldn't even fathom. But I didn't realize that. I can't even begin to explain the talking past each other that must have happened between me and various people, perhaps when there actually is a clue that they get, and I don't. What I can reflect on, however, are the times when people seem to get what a relationship is premised on, and I don't and I end up feeling like a piece of me is missing and/or inhuman somehow. And how easy it's been to put that on 'well I'm just fucked up in the head'.
Bewildering Question: What arousal do I feel? Am I even using the word in the same context as 'everyone else'? Is what I feel an Emotional Arousal? Is that a thing? Is that a thing outside of psychology terms to do with anger, excitement, sadness, etc? And if it is, then would not the things that stimulate emotional arousal be different than what stimulates a physical arousal? Wouldn't someone trying to stimulate me physically along the lines of physical attraction and response, be handling me all wrong? Is that even possible?
Disturbing Question: If I hadn't come across this, would I have spent future years thinking the odd numbness I experience was a function of being butch (for values of butchness) or being a top? Would I have continued being unable to explain what I need for satisfaction and contentment? I'm not sure right now, true, but I think I have a heck of a clue, compared to before. Because if sexual arousal equals a desire to do genital things, then what does emotional arousal lead to in a demisexual context? What do I need? Sure if the other person is sexual, they need their orgasm, their holy grail. And I already know in the right circumstances I'd be happy to help them get there. But...
Non Orgasmic Sex: This is a concept I wouldn't have thought to look for. Why would I if I was thinking of myself as defective? When I'm with someone, and sharing intimacy with them, I want to be with them. Orgasm stops all that. Am I reacting to that? I don't know. What I do know is that sex is about bonding and connection and touch for me. It is about pleasure. It is not focused on genitals. It's not about fireworks or starburts or nether-regions becoming nirvana or however else it's put.
Emotional...Libido?: When I'm in love, my drive for shared intimacy is amazingly high. But what I've wanted wasn't sex (if sex is about the goal of orgasm). What I wanted was touch and connection and intimacy. Satisfaction for me came from hours of closeness, anything else was making the other person happy (w/ me not even realizing I was doing that - shit! So much being what someone else wanted to be, following the grooves in my head via my childhood). Or feeling like I had to compensate them. And I'm beginning to see how that might foster unconscious resentment.
Aside from that, I'm laughing; interaction with people absolutely drains me. But a deep, intimate connection energises me, I've mentioned this before. This is definitely also true with sex. And I've said before that a butterfly sipper meeting up with a long strawer results in as much exhaustion as a long strawer feeling 'attacked' by a host of butterfly sippers. It occurs to me that what I need, what satisfies me, may have just plain exhausted my partner. Which likely led to them getting what they wanted/needed cause it was quicker and me feeling unsatisfied.
Downside: I've found a few things online, a lot of asexuals vs demisexuals. A lot, of usually heterocentric (heterosexual?), suppositions of; that's just how girls are supposed to be. (at which I laugh, as my life is not that simple) Except girls are sexual and emotional beings on their own, and are individuals for that point too. And a lot of who are 'you people' and 'you're devaluing the word queer' and just... stuff. I'm not really prepared to deal with intra-stuff. Just not. I've spent ages trying to figure myself out, and now it's hitting me there are words for all the things I was stumbling towards and giving my own words to. I'm in no mood to go into any kind of activist mode in order just to be; there's enough in my life pushing me to that as is.
Right Now: I think I'm going to focus on what it might mean to be myself and NOT dysfunctional; not be waiting for some day when I get fixed. To see what life might be like when I'm just being me and not biding time, or making notes for some future analysis.
**ETA: Being unable to feel any romantic attraction to someone, unless there's an emotional bond first; demiromantic.