|Willow (the_willow) wrote,|
@ 2011-10-07 14:30:00
|Entry tags:||therapy: thoughts, willow's warren|
Friday Continues (And Other Thoughts)
Low pain threshold, high pain tolerance (or endurance if you like). And I'm beginning to think there's something similar with me and stress/anxiety. I have an incredibly low threshold. It wipes me out. About an hour after the thing is over, I crash. And if it's extended then I can't relax and stay gittery for hours as it continues and THEN CRASH - for hours. Though I'm not sure if that means I've got high anxiety/stress endurance, because in this case I don't think tolerance or endurance has anything to do with it. Or at least, I mean, it's not consistent in the same way pain is at all. It depends on too many factors and the one constant is exhaustion after the fact.
I'm wiped just from this morning. Thought I'd been calming down but only truly calmed after my landlady called me back and told me it was okay; the neighbourhood has a history of people being malicious theives about stuff like bins and front yard flowrers. She'd mentioned it before, the flowers at least, but I'd completely forgotten. And knowing she's not holding me responsible for the bins, or thinking I'm being careless or lax ... instant relief exhaustion.
All my plans for the day? Gone. Finished. Up in smoke. Up in exhaustion. I burned through the energy needed for them, in order to think clearly about the bin situation, go walking to find it (without my cane, because I was hoping, originally, that it was just a mistake, then the longer I walked, the more I realized it wasn't), calling my landlady, keeping track of the remaining bins all morning, dealing with the fact someone emptied our trash - probably to rummage through it for copper and other metals to sell and who knows what else, leaving a msg for my therapist about what had happened etc.
I'm worn out now.
Usually when I feel this way; for the past month and change when similar things have happened I've walked away feeling irrecoverably broken. Brought it up with my therapist last time we spoke on the phone - and he put a different perspective on it. I'd try to explain it but I think I'd lose it. I'm mostly holding on the fact that there are valid reasons for the way I am. That they're not excuses. And that I am not some failed project of human being, that needs to be humoured so it can potter about in a facsimile of life.
Holding on to that is keeping me from feeling defeated and crushed at being so exhausted by something that on the surface feels trivial (bin theft) but which used up all my energy for the day; not counting cooking a meal, etc. And my original morning preparations for potentially getting bank stuff started or begun to be sorted today; paperwork collected and put in bag, ID etc... My morning was on track for one thing and got thrown.
Am holding on the the changed perspective. Holding on tight. And hope, after struggling to get a more normal sleeping schedule that I don't crash before three pm and mess it all up again.
Note to self: Research adrenals + exhaustion. Not that I trust a doctor to help me with it.