|Willow (the_willow) wrote,|
@ 2011-10-20 12:54:00
|Entry tags:||about me, about my mother, effing_allergens|
My Mother's Convinced There's No Way Chocolate Could Be Bad
There's no way it could be causing me illls, it has to be that it was cheap chocolate, or 'American Chocolate'. Just as she's convinced that dairy isn't really affecting me, but it's a bacteria in the milk. At least she doesn't tell me to keep trying with dairy. But she's very much 'Don't give up on the chocolate' - and I can't tell if it's some part of her being sweet and asking if I've checked all options, or if it's part of her control issues wherein I can only eat what she says I can eat, when she says I can eat it.
Lack of consistency on what I was allowed to eat or not as a child, is part of why though my mother didn't like me eating bread and 'white flour' etc; occasionally she switched around what the bad foods were or 'treated' me and well. I had the thought yet again last night that consistency is very important to/for children.
And yes, while I ate wholewheat bread for most of my life, I'm aware that gluten doesn't care about the step in processing for the wheat.
Mom's suggests I try 'better' chocolate. Though one thing she said did make sense; preparation. Baker's/Baking Chocolate is essentially raw, it's not tempered, not heated, and that COULD in fact be affecting me. So I guess I'll buy some tempered dark chocolate on my own in the smallest possible quantity and test again. Cause I don't remember feeling the tension after the 'milk chocolate incident - just stomach gripes and itches, that I associate with dairy (and other intolerances) - while this situation may be the stimulant turning my muscles haywire.
On the other hand... when I think back to my incredulity last night, at the possibility the last 4 and a half years of intensified bodypain might be related to the increase of chocolate in my life... even if the initial reactions were from the stress of my living environment then - the cycle began - feel crap, have chocolate, feel crap, have chocolate.
And I guess... even though I wanted her to simply pay attention to how she feels 10-20 minutes after eating chocolate. I wasn't telling her not to eat it anymore. Just 'Whoa, this happened to me, and her, if it's a familial genetic thing...take some extra special attention, yeah?' But I guess it could also just be that chocolate isn't right for me and me alone. I'm the one dealing with body-pain disabilities. It might be too much for my system, because my system's already compromised.
And yes, this is how one conversation with my mother, one 10 minute convo can turn things upside down and inside out and donut knotted. And this was about chocolate! Complicated stuff like emotions, personal boundaries, psychological transgressions and aggressions - ha! You really don't want to see that ton of not pretty.