|Willow (the_willow) wrote,|
@ 2012-05-27 19:03:00
|Entry tags:||therapy: thoughts, thinky thoughts|
Thinky Thoughts (Emotions + Exhaustion)
Something I've been pondering all week - when my brain was my own - concerning my therapist's suggestion on me reading 'trashy books' / books I don't care about. I've been thinking of how as much as I love and adore some shows; I hesitate to buy them, because I've bought others (dvd sets) and then don't watch them. Watching them is too emotional.
I adore and love them, they are precious to me (oh LOTR unintentional joke) - but the thought of watching them again. I don't know. It's possible I break into tears because watching them, wouldn't just be watching them. It'd be like a smell or a taste triggering memories and everything I was feeling back then might come rushing back. Sometimes even thinking about rushing them I get overwhemled with feelings, to the point of tears.
They were important because they offered an escape; comfort; even a sense of safety in the moment. And it feels like some odd combination of not wanting to discover a lack in them, and ... and maybe they're part of the scars that have healed over those wounds. And rewatching them, tugs at those scars, even if that's not my intent.
I can only watch 1 Batman: The Animated Series episode in say a month, without it being too much. I steel myself to rewatch Batman Beyond (though, that's an easier one to deal with). The older I was when I watched something, the less of painful past there is associated with it. But, the younger I was, the more pained the time, perhaps the more I needed that soft, safe spot, that escape. And now I can't, somehow, separate the show I loved (or book I read) from that time.
My therapist brought up something else I think also applies; not wanting me to try and read something I love while depressed. Because I might become alarmed at finding myself having no emotional connection to it. And I think instinctively I've known that. I hold books to me, sometimes, but don't read them when I'm in a grey to dark mental place. I like knowing they're there. I like remembering how comforted I felt reading them. But actually reading them....
Two sides of the coin, too much emotional association, and the inability to connect at all - all connected to emotional coping. This past week? Two weeks? I've felt like I just don't understand 'ordinary people' - how do they cope with all this simultaneous feeling, processing and doing, all this STUFF at the same time. And yet again, though a sliver it's dawned on me the difference between being damaged and ... not. If you didn't have to take baby-steps to learn how to connect to your feelings, consciously, as an adult - it probably doesn't exhaust you to go through all those steps. Some people aren't self-aware to start with. Others, this is stuff they picked up, perhaps as children - it's like an unconscious subroutine, and years of experience has it using minimal power.
Not so much for me.
It's all, almost always so very, very, exhausting. And I'm still not simultaneous with everything.
Baby-steps, baby-steps, still.