By Any Other Name - January 10th, 2008
the tale of Willow

Willow
Date: 2008-01-10 15:19
Subject: That D&D What Are You? Meme
Security: Public
Tags:meme

You Are A:

Chaotic Neutral Human Druid/Ranger (3rd/2nd Level)

Huh, last time I took one of these tests, though less detailed, I was a Monk/Bard. I might take the darn thing again when I'm feeling less 'omg my body hates me and I hate it back'.

I am also amused that my highest species score after human was Dwarf of Gnome. Short Stocky Snarky Bitches Unite!

Aside: That came up in therapy actually, how my mum controlled my diet because as I got older and hit puberty I began to look nothing like her.

Mum: Petite, birdlike woman. Even with extra weight from 3 subsequent children late in life, I can circle her wrist with my tiny tiny hands.

Me: Short, tiny ears, mouth, hands, brooooooad shoulders, hips, and extremely solid. There was no way I was going to end up looking like her and thus my puberty and blossoming was treated like severe weight gain.

Anyway - My Half Dwarfish (in my mind) self via D&D Tests, below.


Full Thing Here )

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Willow
Date: 2008-01-10 16:52
Subject: grumpy, miserable, fuck you wolrd, wtf you looking at
Security: Public
Mood:sick sick
Tags:discomfort scale 8.5, health: physical

I feel like crap. I felt like crap last night. And this morning.

It's all fucked up. I had one of the best doctor's appointments I've ever had. And this was despite checking in at 3:30 and the front desk forgetting I was there. I spoke to my doctor for at least half an hour, brought up a lot of stuff, realized she's more than amenable to me using holistic health methods but she'd rather we tried that after pharmaceuticals get everything stabilized and she went over in detail why. We discussed adrenal fatigue, how effed up I've been trying to quit caffeine (and apparently I don't have to- so yeah there)

The nutritionist also spoke to me for half an hour and took notes this time. I didn't manage to tell her how angry I was at her, but I did tell her what she'd done wrong that didn't impress me.

But right now none of that seems to matter because despite having a lovely full lunch yesterday that kept me from feeling hungry from 3pm to 10pm, dinner was a flop. Once I'd made it, I didn't want it, I couldn't stand it, I'm surprised it's in the fridge and I didn't throw it away.

I don't know why the nausea surprises me each time. I know it comes and goes, but it always feels so effing random. I was feeling good.

Now I've a headache, slight hunger, lots of ugh, tried cornflakes, tried grilled chicken (which I finally ate but has given me a bit of tummy ache), don't want veggies, don't want - can't even type anything it makes me feel so nauseated. It's so much crap.

I thought I'd discovered a system too.

Crap crap, more crap, fiddlesticks, more crap.

I feel miserable and I want to whine and I wish there was something I could sip that was nutritionally filling and non ick causing. I love food, I love eating, I love conversing and eating, I love spices and flavours and stuff. But there are times when I seriously feel like a nutrient pill would make my life easier. Three pills a day and 'real' food would be a treat.

I'd eat fruit, but apparently that'd all go straight into my blood stream and give me sugar crash. Which is a fucking pity, cause fruit's about the only damn thing right now that doesn't make me want to pull out my hear in utter fucking frustration.

When did illness send me into this land of picky eater? When did I reach a point where soy milk and fruit were the only things I could count on, not to send me running for the effing hills? I'm also craving cauliflower. I don't have any cauliflower.

Maybe I should call someone and find out about protein powders and if they do any good (and don't make people barf). Stupid body needing protein but being repelled by it.

Once again I'm left feeling vampirism - one nutritious drink for life.

Of course with my current luck, the damn thing would make me spew red.

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Willow
Date: 2008-01-10 18:22
Subject: Note To Self
Security: Public
Tags:twitter-like

When feeling ill, move on along past SMALLVILLE summaries found on blogs that are usually comforting. Looking will cause head explosion and migraine.

SMALLVILLE has nothing to do with Clark Kent. If I want CLARK KENT, I should read LJ's Jen_In_Japan

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Willow
Date: 2008-01-10 23:12
Subject: Why I Begin To Despise Doctors...
Security: Public
Tags:medical professionals: insert swear word

... And Other Tales Of WTF.

Searching through the interwebs for some kind of help over how I'm feeling, I find a lovely notation:

NOTE: If you have symptoms of low blood sugar and your blood sugar is not low, still eat a snack. When blood sugar has been high for a period of time, the body becomes used to a higher range and shifts what it thinks is normal.

Even though the blood sugar is normal, your body may respond as if it were low because it becomes used to a higher blood sugar level. As your blood sugar control improves, your body will start to recognize normal blood sugar ranges over time. You will no longer feel low symptoms when the blood sugar is normal.
____

Yes, that's right, I've been feeling crazy for crazing fruit and sweet things, for wondering why I wake up feeling dizzy and nauseated and why when I eat the way they want me to eat (prior to yesterday's appt at least) I'm constantly hungry and weak.

I mentioned this to them all yesterday, but no one mentioned this to me. My fricking body's been going into shock, but no one mentioned the possibility to me.

You would not believe how much I want to throw the bottle of pills they gave me across the room. I believed them that it's best for me to get my blood sugar down to normal as quickly as possible and go from there - never realizing the extra ick I've been feeling is because we're going too fast for my body to adjust.

I repeat, I mentioned how if I miss a meal, I get too nauseated to eat, and how that's been complicating my ability to eat what I cook all summer long. I mentioned how I've had nothing but stress for the past year to 18 months. Right there on the American Diabetes Site: ess blocks the body from releasing insulin in people with type 2 diabetes, so cutting stress may be more helpful for these people.

Between the stress and not walking as much as I did prior to the move because I've felt less safe in this neighbourhood, partly due to the neighbourhood, partly due to my associations of complications...

All thoughts are now angry sputterings. Also as my nap only helped a little b it, whereas having a piece of chocolate brought me from discomfort 7.5 to discomfort 5.5 --- I'm about to have another bloody piece of fricking chocolate.

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By Any Other Name
of Willow
December 2009