Date: 2008-01-15 00:25 Subject: Lost Security: Public Mood: small and worthless Music: Green Finch & Linnet Bird - Sweeney Todd Soundtrack Tags: about me, apartment of lies

I think yonmei is right. This happens and I feel three spits from homeless. I feel like I did something wrong and wasn't good enough or smart enough or bright enough or prepared enough and now I'll be out on my ass.

I feel that way often.

It's incredibly depressing to be dependent on disability to have money enough for groceries etc.

It's even more depressing having had the experience of trying to work and despite how bright everyone kept saying I was, I wasn't good enough, fast enough, suited enough. And I was rather like I am now, on edge all the time and stressed and fighting now to cut.

Keep listening to Sweeney Todd (various songs) over and over again. Violence can be oddly soothing when I feel so amazingly helpless and small.

I think it's too much to have had the almost break in on Friday and now this on Monday. I'd only just calmed down. I'd only just had 6 straight hours of proper sleep.

I'm so mentally tired, so exhausted, I'm thinking fondly of in-patient and someone else making all the decisions - because obviously I can't do well on my own.

I don't know what to believe too. Fluttering 'round my head is 'Third Bad Landlord' - it's a sign. Though the first in the line was only truly horrid towards the end.

Still...

I dread the phone. I dread my mother contacting me. I dread her saying anythign about buying a house. I dread her telling me it's my fault for renting.

Dread dread dread.

And feeling a complete horrid failure. Doesn't matter I know I didn't write these last 6-12 months because of the stress of moving. It feels like my fault. Writing and eating and pain ...

It's hard to feel important enough to live when I feel so small. Am I really making a difference in anyone's life? I'm not doing anything great. I live in my apt, go to therapy and talk to people occasionally. Getting 'better' seems like some insignificant pipe dream.

ETA: Just realized, either 2007 hasn't ended for me yet or 2008 is buggering 2007 up the arse with a spiked mace while holding a dog leash.

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Date: 2008-01-15 20:55 Subject: -- Security: Public Mood: frustrated Tags: short post

Not following politics - got no energy, got no mental capacity, got no time to delve and come out sane the other end.

Not part of GirlWonder.Org - got no energy, got health crisis a month ago, now have housing crisis.

No clue if the PoCSF Carnival is going to be out in a timely manner for Jan - got no energy, got health crisis, got housing crisis.

2008 you suck so hard right now. You're just ...

*headsmash*

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Date: 2008-01-15 20:59 Subject: twitter-like Security: Public Tags: twitter-like

It's quite possible the reason I've not been able to enjoy tv lately, (and thus fandom) is because tv involved trepidation. I have too much damn anxiety as it is. There's no release valve or buffy for faux panic. Crap. And I love SciFi.

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Date: 2008-01-15 22:06 Subject: Arrrgh Security: Public Tags: books, online: life

Will the library thing users on my flist please tell me why you like it?

Does it have a demo?

Do you not find the site confusing and too full of extraneous text?

is it not overly busy with all the links and communities and the seeming pressure to talk and be social?

ETA: *headdesk*

So I tell myself stop being stubborn and go use Goggle Book Search since I do enjoy it so -

And really I do, cause I can make my thoughts on the book whatever I like and the when you click on the book you get other people's reviews - which might be more in depth than what I want to say about the thing. I love that part.

WHAT I DO NOT LOVE IS ADDING BOOKS TO MY LIBRARY ONLY TO DOUBLE CHECK AND FIND THEM GONE!

Adding 1 book to 32 books should not bring me down to 28.

Crap, fuck, damn.

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