|01:18PM | Fri, August 24th | 2012
Trying to work myself into going to therapy today. Been trying since 6am. Somehow I don't think it's going to work. Once upon a time I could have bribed myself with some treat; and by myself I mean the aspects of me that feel things the most. But I can't eat a whole lot anymore in terms of 'treats'. And stores have changed on top of everything. I'm more likely toget the few things I can have and do want treatwise by jyst buying groceries and having them delivered - rather than trying to hit certain stores downtown in the middle of a hot afternoon, via walking, while in pain and dealing with... feelings.
I figured something the nurse practitioner who's part of the clinic of lies - but whom was spoken to by my therapist; I've figured out this thing she did this past week and a half of having someone call me and tell me basically that my meds are hostage to coming in for an appt, has me pissed, furious and panic attack upset. This kind of with-holding or threatening to, something fundamental to my well being in order to coerce my compliance, doesn't go well with me. It's a HUGE trigger. And now, having finally recognized there's no way I'm forcing myself in to see her (I cancelled the first forced appt due to personal issues that were unrelated) - I'm still too wound up.
I can type. not feeling at all vocal. Gong to therapy feels like it'd be stressing out with getting there to sit and glare at the therapist. And then after time spent trying to warm up to speak, having to focus to get back home again and nothing along the way to congratulate myselves for going through it. Little goals, little prizes. Right now I have none.
I'm achy and shaking and randomly in tears over this, but if I manage to call him and get more than an eek out.... I LOATHE the insecurity of therapist's email. It being the reason I don't have his address, because it's not secure so nothing personal can be put on there, blah blah blah. So I can't communicate this way and have to 'talk'. Out loud. And that's just not happening.
Distracted side note; iJay is a ghostland. Yeah. Still haven't fully thought through how that will be dealt with. Basically no one I follow etc posts there anymore or do so rarely when they remember to xpost from DW. And I've got wound up emotions with lost links to post due to DW issues and trying to repost and fix them and deleting and lost history and being unable to back up my journal brain and... ugh. Old ish. Old old ish. But getting to a state of prominent 'need to move on/take care of'.
Am considering closing/stopping this journal. Maybe starting one that's all private. Which is the opposite of why I keep my journal public in the first place. Maybe it's my current mood. Or maybe I just need more privacy these days. Don't know yet. But I haven't been writing here a lot lately, when I usually would be. If thinking about writing here freezes me up - it's not doing what it's been doing for so many years. What it's become - something more than just my thoughts and a record of my life - but a therapy tool.