|Willow (the_willow) wrote,|
@ 2009-03-31 12:53:00
|Entry tags:||about me, thinky thoughts|
Lately I've been feeling a bit like some kind of freak. I don't feel alone if I've got the internet. IM and email and journals and twitter all make me feel very active. And I have amazing friends *hugs you all* who ensure I feel love and fussed over (should I need the fussing). But there are several people I know online who talk about feeling lonely and not having people around them with whom to do things.
I think I might feel lonely on occasion (I'm not sure) - but there are times I call people and have a conversation on the phone instead of IM.
i don't mind if I'm a freak, btw. I just want to know if this is an uncommon way of interacting with the world. And yes, I'm going to bring it up in therapy. But it's still something I'd enjoy some feedback on from folks I know. Is this possibly an introvert thing? Am I a friendsexual? And this loneliness I'm reading about has more to do with ideas and fantasies of a romantic partner? For the record I'm not an asexual lesbian, nor am I someone who can't handle touch. But I can wait a couple months and get hugs from Zvi via a planned outing. And I have no interest right now in the kind of enmeshed emotions and dual focus that comes with being in a relationship. I'm very much all about me right now as a priority (no matter what comfort I give my friends, said comfort is not expected or demanded, it's understood I have limits etc)
But I keep seeing references to loneliness (no offense to those of you who've mentioned it who might now be reading this) and I understand that people feel the way they feel. I hope I'm not judging it. I just know I'm confused by it and wondering if parts of my brain are numb or something. It took a while for my former therapist to realize that being online is a social activity for me, not an isolating one. It took a while, but once she realized that, the most she did was encourage me to also mix things up as much as I was able to with occasional physical social activities. And by as much as I was able to, means she went from advocating I try hard once a month, to realizing that 3-4 times a year would be enough for me. Perhaps for other people being online is isolating. The theory had to come from somewhere, right?
I think I'd be lonely if I didn't have so many methods of communication - if there weren't people I spoke to every day, who make up my virtual village. I know I start to get phobic and agitated when I lose computer access - it's like a door's been shut. It's almost claustrophobic, like I sudden have no air vents.
If that's anything like the loneliness being described, then ouch. I loathe that feeling. It makes me want to jump out of my skin and often I cry. But so far I've been interpreting it as a need for a physical hug and that kind of company. And maybe I don't get it because physical company exhausts me so much and I treat hugs from trusted individuals as treats. And strangers touching me - well, I've mentioned my wtf about some of that before and have plans to swipe about with my cane in future.
I'm not sure what else to say, except that maybe I'm not as attached to my physical body as others cause I don't think it has to be involved in order for me to be social. Which isn't to say I'm not grateful for what level of ability and mobility I do have- I am. I just don't think I have to go somewhere and do something in order to be social and get social...(interaction? energy?) stuff.
Last thought: Despite how I handle social activity (various levels, etc), is it just that I'm comfortable being alone with myself? (Or me and the furbutt). And I mean alone as a concept that goes beyond the introvert vs extrovert dichotomy. Is this the difference between hermits (who're alone by themselves) and monks (who're alone with other people)?
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