|Willow (the_willow) wrote,|
@ 2010-06-03 09:38:00
|Entry tags:||health: mental, therapy / therapy day, writing: me|
Anxiety & The Writing
So it's reached the point wherein my therapist (TNG aka Dr.Yoda - and huh, I only just realized The New Guy is also The Next Generation / TNG. Hee) has to remind me to use my journal to deal with current mental health difficulties. That journaling could help.
And then I stopped and realized my journal is adding to my anxiety (the new flavour in my Mental Health. I've moved from Blue Depression to Orange-Red Anxiety).
And I stopped because iJay feels less and less stable with all the sales (dear squeaky iJay needs hands-on-deck- to deal with spammers & fixes, not new servers to take up the slack every couple of months) and DW doesn't let me save comments using LJ-Archive and yeah, figuring out what's wrong with my account (having transferred over my LJ entries) isn't a priority because it relates to a third-party device.
Yeah, I'm going to be bitter about that for a long, long, long, time. I can like Denise and still positively despise how journaling as a therapuetic tool and thus needing archiving isn't a priority to her unless she and hers create the archiving tool.
Of course it means having conflict over posting and hesitance over where is safe to post and get into dialogue to work through issues with a support network etc, has meant I just haven't been posting my thoughts freely the way I used to. Heck I haven't even been commenting the way I used to, because it means interacting on a site wherein I tend to feel like crap that my own words aren't stored there.
And everytime someone friends/adds me over there, there's another wave of ugh - cause they can't read my past history - I had to shut off comments completely so I wouldn't lose conversation. They can't read current history because I dont' post there. They're just basically trying to say they'd LIKE to read me - but they won't, because it's troublesome to click an post on another site. And it doesn't help that iJay has problems with openID (it doesn't notify openID comments have been posted and it doesn't notify OpenID accounts that they have replies - so much for email verification).
The point of this wasn't to complain about the crappy situation. But to admit the crappy situation has stopped up my writing. There's all sorts of emotion and emotional baggage and tension etc when I got to journal my thoughts now.
So what's the solution? Give up my name and history on DW and try for another journal? Asking, maybe, that my comm be turned back into a singular journal? Except, that I deleted all but specific journal entries I'd wanted to save, so would I have to make a request to clean out the entire journal? In which case it wouldn't matter to have it saved on LJ-Archivel. I'm getting cramps in the stomach just thinking about wiping out my history like that.
Yeah, the solution might just be to find another journaling site. Except I loathe blogger for personal things and interaction. And I went through it all before - the hunt, the search. I could turn back on specific entries on LJ and keep the history there, and let them make whatever money they can off my words - which... is another set of stomach intense sensations.