By Any Other Name
the tale of Willow

Willow
Date: 04:49PM | Fri, June 8th | 2012
Subject: TGIF!!!
Security: Public
Tags:obi-flist-kenobi, omgwtfbbq!, one of those days, one of those days/weeks/months

The bad/urgh part about having a wonderful and successful landlady? Is that when circumstances arise and you ask her to go to the grocery for you, to buy you some lamb? She comes back, despite you mentioning 3.99 a lb lamb. With 9.99 a lb lamb. But I'll pay the price and shut up, cause today. TODAY!

Been up since 8:30 when someone came to cut the grass. And I rushed to put something by the gate to keep them from blowing grass all over my portico area. They noticed me, disheveled in my jammies and actually cleaned up with a broom for once.

But the day dragged on... and on, upstairs neighbours did things even the landlady noticed and was all 'WTF?' And then inspector didn't show up till near 3, and there's still a need for an electrician to come out. And there's still inspection on Tuesday (for which my ass needs out the house). And then is finding strength to go up for my brother's graduation (the baby's graduating! OMGWTF how and why did he grow up?!!).

Other pluses, however? Including the fact I now have lamb, to hell w/ the price cause this week's been shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiite. Did I remember to post about losing all power in my sockets for about 90 mins? It's the same thing that now needs an electrician. But, I went ahead and bought memory. Everyone's all 'buy a new computer'. But this is memory I've been trying to buy for years. And it turns out, that I may have bought the right kind earlier, but they just don't work w/ the old ones. So now I don't have 3g like I wanted, only 2g. And I'm deciding if to buy more, and any 'new computer' I buy will be a laptop for travel.

Games disappoint me, so I don't know that I'd want to buy a 'gaming' anything. It's cool and all, in concept. But even as I want to 'dabble' with The Witcher 2 and 'dabble' with DA2 (for whom the only reason I'd be there is because Fenris hits all my 'young lady has to swoon' buttons. And the fighting seems, interesting for a mage? ME3 knocked the playing any ME 'video game' out of me. Read some books, sure. But I can't even watch a let's play of ME2 right now, I get so 'two finger salute bioware, ea and the ME team wtf?'

And huh, until this very second, I damn near forgot Skyrim existed. So, yeah. Not to sure 'ability to play games' is high enough on my list o thingies.

Are there even any $200 laptops left? I think not.

Annnyway. Memory. And also storage (clear) - so I can see things and not forget they exist or be unable to find them (moving things around to put into them? I found two pairs of leggings I'd been searching for ALL DAMN WINTER).

Also, bracelet came. MedicalID pretty purple & white braaaacelet. And my landlady mentioned using RoadID when she runs. Which is what I'm thinking of getting for my Dad. And if this bracelet doesn't work out, might get for myself. But I think this pretty pretty thing will. I 'm having to get used to having something on my wrist. But I can see myself wearing it. I am currently wearing it. It fits forma and informal decoration needs (RoadID, would be very informal). And it came w/ a lovely little pouch. And more importantly? An Emergency Alert card for my wallet. I thought it would, but didn't see any mention on this most recent trip to the website. But there it is. (Thank you very much for the gift certificate [info]sami - I shall be protected JIC now.

Meanwhile this week? EXHAUSTING.

And then some. I even had to take an anti-histimine so I could get to sleep and stop sniffling, stopped nose, itchy runny eyes-ing at dust n'stuff from cleaning and I guess just 'summer' - it was not (so far) a cold.

*THUD-KER-THUD*

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Willow
Date: 12:27AM | Tue, June 5th | 2012
Subject: Korra: Sleepy Thoughts
Security: Public
Tags:tv

Have only watched up to Ep6 I think? The one where... ) Anyway, someone I read, somewhere had a thought of wanting Rich!Girl to be an Equalist. And while brushing my teeth, I had a thought. The Thought )

Bed now. Don't even have a tag for this past 'tv'.

ETA: requested cut tag/s. My attempt at vagueness, unchanged.

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Willow
Date: 08:43PM | Mon, June 4th | 2012
Subject: Semi Random Thoughts I've Had For A While; Catapulted Forward Today
Security: Public
Tags:online: support network, thinky thoughts

Things I wish I could remember to day to others; but that I am training myself to understand (and have in fact been realizing) when it comes to weight, weight loss and body size.

"I'm so happy for you. I realize that you found something that worked for you and now you feel amazing. Like it's a brand new day. A brand new world. And you want to share it with everyone you think could be in the same situation you were in. But the truth is, different people have different bodies, different dietary needs, different levels of fitness, different health concerns. What worked for you, may not work for me; may in fact be detrimental. So please, say you feel better and you wish that I would find something that worked for me too. Focus on how I feel, not how I look, or how I look to you, or what some magazine says is healthy - that would be supporting me."

Version I tell myself:

"I'm happy for myself. I found something that works for me, and now, slowly, I have days where I feel amazing. Like it's a brand new day. A brand new world. And despite areas I'm still struggling with, I want to share it with everyone I think could be in the same situation I was in. But the truth is, different people have different bodies, different dietary needs, different levels of fitness, different health concerns. What worked for me, may not work for them; may in fact be detrimental. So I can say I feel better and I wish that they would find something that worked for them too. Focus on how they feel, not how they look, how they think they look, how other people tell them they look, or what some magazine says is healthy - that would be supporting them."

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Willow
Date: 01:03PM | Sun, June 3rd | 2012
Subject: Netflix
Security: Public
Mood:pissed off pissed off
Tags:dvdflix

I cancelled May 29th. I ended up having to call because their system was not simple and they charged me. They claimed to credit me back. But I got a damn dvd in the mail today. So I tried to login to see what was what - only to find out, someone has PERMANENTLY deleted me out of the login system. So I couldn't login. However my account is still there. So I had to call and complain and so they had to re-activate my account, and deactivate it again, only this time with 'send me no more dvds'. Even though when I cancelled it? I effing clicked the box that said - SEND ME NO MORE DVDs.

So all in all this cancellation as a hold? Is likely to turn into permanent eff you all the way, not again cancellation - we so done. Because I don't have time to deal with this stressing bullshit.

Seriously? This is how they're gonna be competing with Amazon? I may not want to spend 2$ an episode and crap on Amazon. But if there you know what you're buying, then sure as hell crap it can be a future option if I'm feeling for something.

I also suspect it's because I'd had my account for so long, I was granfathered in on a really low rate for dvds a month. And I have a feeling all this shenannigans was to jump me up (if I ever came back) to higher. Eff them. Eff them so damn hard.

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Willow
Date: 05:49PM | Sat, June 2nd | 2012
Subject: Because My Boo Is THE AWESOMENESS / Come At Me With Your Popsicle Recipes
Security: Public
Mood:loved loved
Tags:food as good living, my boo

There are popsicle molds on their way to me, as we speak. So I won't keep spending money on (perhaps outrageously priced) organic popsicles; these treats being the only dessert, foodie yay and whee I get. That and variation not on a stick, aka fruit sorbet.

Pouring some pulpy OJ into a mold is all fine and good. But, there is actually a limit to how much OJ I can have before my body rebels. Whereas I may be hunting down mango juice; yay! And perhaps some simple apple juice (maybe mixed with sauce?) could also be an option?

Anyone have any ideas? I'd like to avoid added sugar (which would have to be organic, and close to raw) as much as possible. But I'm up for ideas.

I'm also thinking kelp flakes so things are less ice-icecube and more smoothe. But again, I'm open to ideas - if any do abound.

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Willow
Date: 11:08PM | Fri, June 1st | 2012
Subject: Having Some Thoughts On; Don't Like It Make Your Own
Security: Public
Tags:#race issues: visual media, thinky thoughts

And the trap that can be; art is a part of the creator. Aside from the false argument, strawman of the whole thing. Attempting it can mean attempting to create art, that isn't YOUR ART. Something that doesn't come from you, but is what you want to see. A if that's the only way it can be accomplished. And ending up frustrated and depressed and demoralized, potentially and thinking you can't make the art, so perhaps you have to accept what is, or hunt down someone else and try and get them to 'Make Their Own' but to fit you. Vicious cycle of psychic damage, that does fuck all of solving the problem of lack of representation and diversity.

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Willow
Date: 06:21PM | Fri, June 1st | 2012
Subject: Things Wot Happened To Me Today
Security: Public
Mood:hungry hungry
Tags:therapy / therapy day, wtf!

Got in a conversation with a bus driver, we were both waiting for the same bus; about Harry Potter being evil and a spellbook to witchcraft - based on the fact that there' been all this cannibalism going on. Apparently there was one localish enough to be extra freaky. I truthfully wasn't paying attention to it - because, I hate zombies. And everything I saw was all 'OMG ZOMPOCOLYSE!'

Conversatoin? Well, wa weird. Involved of course, Christianity. Jesus saving everyone. Humans did not evolve from primates cause the primates aren't still evolving, etc.... As usual I played chameleon, cause there ain't nothing like someone being beligerant at you at the bus stop to sap energy.

Then on the bus trip HOME? Man talking about the Illuminati and racism and the prison system.

Seriously world? What is up?!

PS: Forgot the best part. Guy on the bus was claiming Obama Didn't Do Shit For Him. And He' Still Waiting For A True Black Prince. Cause Obama didn't get inducted into the Illumati and hasn't been able to do anything real for real brothers.

0.o - One. Weird. Day.

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Willow
Date: 06:18PM | Fri, June 1st | 2012
Subject: Not So MicroAggressions
Security: Public
Tags:#race issues: general

Wikipedia. Under Latimer. A fictional character gets their own header 'Fictional Characters', Lewis Latimer? He's under 'OTHER'. Right next to a murderer.

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Willow
Date: 12:27AM | Fri, June 1st | 2012
Subject: So Twitter's Done Something. Again
Security: Public
Tags:lil help?, online: keeping in touch, online: support network, online:life

First my new tweets weren't loading. So I started checking my scripts, only to discover that some just aren't working anymore. Either I keep the ones I have, or I delete them - but not more editing; adding colours etc. But Tweetdeck looks dark and confusing. Hotot actually looks interesting; but it's apparently very unstable on windows systems. Does anyone know of any others?

What I'd like:

Ability to have simple stream (I don't like a lot of confusion and clutter)
Ability to colour code people I follow (for easy identification)
Ability to choose font, and width of tweets (for easy reading)

Things that I do not enjoy:
A whole bunch of multiple columns.
No control over when I see new tweets (aka them just popping up)
Dark colours
Multiple sets of information coming at me at once.

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Willow
Date: 06:01PM | Thu, May 31st | 2012
Subject: Oh Anime... **sigh**
Security: Public
Tags:tv

Trying that 'watch sucky/trashy'. But I'm finding with anime? I've got some triggers. I'm having it up to here and over with quiet shy stubling to talk girls who don't seem to have a backbone or a singular indepdent personality, but are somehow 'the perfect girl'. I'm also done with the the same girl who turns into a beast with jealousy. It's, to me, highly unattractive and awful.

Come on anime, give me something light hearted and sweet and fun! I can only re-atch Chi's Sweet Home but so many times.

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Willow
Date: 11:12AM | Tue, May 29th | 2012
Subject: Last Night My Family Survived - By The Grace Of Heaven
Security: Public
Mood:indescribable indescribable
Tags:the year: 2012

Everyone's fine, though a little shook up. Well, maybe a lot shook up. It was only a clip. My mom's convinced it could have been much worse. She thinks the hand of heaven intervened and pushed the oncoming car away from them. Apparently someone was pulling out onto a parkway, turned too fast, headed straight for them at a slant, out of control, going FAST and pulled right at the last second, only just clipping them. But for a moment, they all thought they'd die - there was no where really for them to go. And possibly, my stepfather keeping the car still, waiting to see if the other driver, once he'd noticed him, could regain control, saved them. My mom's still counting her fingers and toes, my littlest brother is still crying, the oldest of my brothers insists it wasn't that serious while my stepfather has the shakes. But, everyone's fine.

Dear 2012 - I'm glad the 'world isn't ending'. I never really believed that. But uhm, you can stop with the little challenges annnny time now. Thank you. My exhaustion at inspections and tidying, and people invading my home, and housing security etc... is exhausting enough, without driving home how close to passing everyone I love actually is.

Also heaven? If you could manage to get that hit, miss and run driver off the damn road before he or she endangers another family? It'd be really appreciated.

Also, I know this is serious, cause once I checked my msgs, I called my mom straight away, cause her voice on the phone was strange. And she just confirmed that should anything happen, I'd look after my sibs. So y'know....

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Willow
Date: 09:43AM | Tue, May 29th | 2012
Subject: No Ordinary Family
Security: Public
Tags:tv, wtf!!

Someone on my flist mentioned it; and their incredulity at some of the goings on. Since I'm on the 'partaking of trashy/sucky media' theraputic regimen, I took a peek. I think I can watch things that suck, but NOT things that irritate me, and this show just (the pilot even) irritated me to enormous levels. More below.

Cause some folks may not have attempted the series )

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Willow
Date: 07:03PM | Sun, May 27th | 2012
Subject: Thinky Thoughts (Emotions + Exhaustion)
Security: Public
Tags:therapy: thoughts, thinky thoughts

Something I've been pondering all week - when my brain was my own - concerning my therapist's suggestion on me reading 'trashy books' / books I don't care about. I've been thinking of how as much as I love and adore some shows; I hesitate to buy them, because I've bought others (dvd sets) and then don't watch them. Watching them is too emotional.

I adore and love them, they are precious to me (oh LOTR unintentional joke) - but the thought of watching them again. I don't know. It's possible I break into tears because watching them, wouldn't just be watching them. It'd be like a smell or a taste triggering memories and everything I was feeling back then might come rushing back. Sometimes even thinking about rushing them I get overwhemled with feelings, to the point of tears.

They were important because they offered an escape; comfort; even a sense of safety in the moment. And it feels like some odd combination of not wanting to discover a lack in them, and ... and maybe they're part of the scars that have healed over those wounds. And rewatching them, tugs at those scars, even if that's not my intent.

I can only watch 1 Batman: The Animated Series episode in say a month, without it being too much. I steel myself to rewatch Batman Beyond (though, that's an easier one to deal with). The older I was when I watched something, the less of painful past there is associated with it. But, the younger I was, the more pained the time, perhaps the more I needed that soft, safe spot, that escape. And now I can't, somehow, separate the show I loved (or book I read) from that time.

My therapist brought up something else I think also applies; not wanting me to try and read something I love while depressed. Because I might become alarmed at finding myself having no emotional connection to it. And I think instinctively I've known that. I hold books to me, sometimes, but don't read them when I'm in a grey to dark mental place. I like knowing they're there. I like remembering how comforted I felt reading them. But actually reading them....

Two sides of the coin, too much emotional association, and the inability to connect at all - all connected to emotional coping. This past week? Two weeks? I've felt like I just don't understand 'ordinary people' - how do they cope with all this simultaneous feeling, processing and doing, all this STUFF at the same time. And yet again, though a sliver it's dawned on me the difference between being damaged and ... not. If you didn't have to take baby-steps to learn how to connect to your feelings, consciously, as an adult - it probably doesn't exhaust you to go through all those steps. Some people aren't self-aware to start with. Others, this is stuff they picked up, perhaps as children - it's like an unconscious subroutine, and years of experience has it using minimal power.

Not so much for me.

It's all, almost always so very, very, exhausting. And I'm still not simultaneous with everything.

Baby-steps, baby-steps, still.

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Willow
Date: 09:17AM | Mon, May 21st | 2012
Subject: -----!
Security: Public
Mood:aggravated aggravated
Tags:eff the world

Trying to make soup this morning; stare down at the chicken packet and realize the price on it is NOT what I ordered. I'm getting really fed up at the thought that before I pay the grocery delivery person - I have to stop and check the price on every damn thing. It's exhausting in an extreme, and if I'm doing that? Then really? I should just pay for a cab, shouldn't I. And just... ugh. So much ugh and upset and ugh. No one has money to 'throw away' like that. No one. I don't care how rich you are, if you order something at one price, you shouldn't be charged another. And this apparently happened cause the regular home delivery person was absent that day.

But I've been through this with this grocery store. This stuff happens and it's aggravating. Very. And right now I'm REALLY missing Superfresh, because I used to be able to balance out my groceries and just focus on the heavy stuff etc. And now, with the replacement grocery store and their outrageous prices? No. Just no.

There's too much going on. Letter from my landlady about raising my rent. Still have inspections to deal with. Had meant to call about that today - now I don't know. Have to beat back depression it took me near a week to figure out I'd been overcharged.

Annnd I just got off the phone with them, again, having realized that I didn't tell them the poundage of what I recieved. Only to initially end up digging through my trash to find the poundage. Except when I can't find the last two containers, having put them out for Friday's trash - I get told they can't do anything about that. And I immediately go. Wait a minute. If I have the final price, and I know the price per pound, we can do math to discover the exact pounds. I have to repeat this several times, until finally I'm told she just doesn't have 'THE TIME' to do the math. Cause there are other orders coming in etc. And I go 'But I'm your customer to me and you're trying to keep my money for YOUR mistake.' Finally I say, fine, I'll do the math and call her back.

Except? I'm not gonna call her back. I'm gonna do the fucking math and call the damn store manager. Because I find it bullshit that I have to ORDER AGAIN, to get a discount .Suppose I don't want to. Ok, just called. Due to prior complications, I know the ext for the part owner. Left him a message, letting him know his store overcharged me near $20. Times are tough. That's $20 of more groceries.

Anyway, am upset, aggravated and more. And I really wish energy wasn't still such an issue - energy and pain etc, w/ grocery shopping. Cause damn, and more damn.

Now to try to recovery myself for the day and try not to think about if I missed any other pricing things in recent months. Cause I try to be contentious but I have to admit, having had therapy to be less hyper-vigilent? Staying alert all the time like this? Is exhausting. And it's already exhausting to be in my feelings and use my mental health tooks and manage my pain and not y'know, be a distant, potentially sociopath individual.

And oh yeah, end of the 1st week in June? Bitchy McNasty Insecptor, w/ a side order of mom visit.

Can you tell I have energy devoted to not throwing myself in front of a bus?

ETA: Oh yeah, forgot to add, that this morning? I woke up digestively ill. Thus the soup/broth making in the first place.

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Willow
Date: 08:06AM | Thu, May 17th | 2012
Subject: From Internet Flicker To Red Light Failure
Security: Public
Tags:--

My internets has gone from bad to broken, very broken. And I keep calling and they keep saying - oh, we've figured it out. They have NOT, figured it the france out. I am disappoint and frustrated and sad. I had plans today. Eff.

WTA: Apparently there's going to be a service technician coming out to the house sometime today - supposedly. WTFF? I dn't even understand.

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Willow
Date: 09:42AM | Wed, May 16th | 2012
Subject: Mah Brainz
Security: Public
Tags:computer adventures, thoughts on: life

Want to get something for myself; food isn't an easy option. Pondered computer things. Felt stuck between waiting to possibly buy a new computer - or get memory for a several years old one. Haven't bought before for same reason. Sat here, thinking, thinking, and this time around it occurs to me that when I think buying a new computer - I don't think 'buying a new computer. Even though the one I have currently, is due to my mother, buying me a new computer. Prior to that, however, I'd BUILT my own computer. Painful long research, buying parts, putting it together, having a not bad at all system.

So even though I get bored easily with video games; they do so intrigue me. And I think, maybe, perhaps, it is very possible - I get caught up thinking of game specs and not of the fact that the majority of the time I do certain very specific things WITH my computer. And would like to do other certain very specific things (like have virus check going on WHILE I'm on).

But the complication there is? When I think about things like that? I wonder why I can't just improve the memory on this 'senior' computer - which could/would likely do the job. Because it is doing, heaven's bless it, what I need and want it to do - for the most part. And everything else feels like a semi-hazy fever dream.

And THEN I start thinking... Oooh, laptop. For those painful days when being horizontal would be a huge, huge boon - with bonus to stay online. And split the budget to get a router for wireless access.

And my brain starts going places and going places.

And then OTHER places like -- would I really use the laptop? When? how? And what about all those harddrives holding important information that I've yet to install in this current computer. It's like I leave pieces of myself behind everytime I switch computers. Makes me less inclined to keep an INTERNAL HD, even though it is faster.

I admit, while I find technology fun, I'm still a basic person. I'm thrilling to my 'newer' phone. And going yip, now I don't have to think about trying to add things to my kindle, and keep it for reading and 3g net access. I think I can quite recognize I'm unlikely to be a 2 computer person. Or at least 2 main computers. Maybe a main desktop and a very small, light notebook for those pain filled, need to be horizontal days?

But I almost don't know how to judge myself. I really don't. Cause a huge part of me, would truly find it, something, to find a more comfortable chair set up,than get a laptop. Some part of me, recognizes technology has moved on, AGES AGO (I played around w/ a laptop in highschool for pete's sake) but still thinks in terms of 'the kind of needs/ for the kind of money'....

Old desktop, main laptop?

I don't even know if trying to negotiate all these thoughts is a uniquely multiple thing.

Huh, all this, from wanting to treat myself, while in the doldrums and the supermarket being out of sorbet.

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Willow
Date: 08:26AM | Mon, May 14th | 2012
Subject: Oh Hormones
Security: Public

You were invited to this party too? And no one told me? Well, eff you. Eff you, shiv you and fry you in oil.

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Willow
Date: 04:54AM | Sun, May 13th | 2012
Subject: Distracting My Brain
Security: Public
Mood:bad day bad day
Tags:bad days

Have you ever just wanted to mush two things together to create a new (and to your mind - amazeballswonderful) thing? Like, for me? I'd love to mrge my phone and my sansa fuse into one device. I like having a keyboard for texting, but I'd rather have something easy like a scroll wheel (still a button, not a precious, breakable, omgwtf touch screen) for menu options and surfing etc... Nice, small, proportionately light, fits in my palm comfortable, doesn't make me tense up muscles to use.

The other thing I'd want to merge together? Messenger bags, backpacks, straps that have pockets and 'purse fashion colours'. Cause geeze. I can make one compromise, but not two. And the purses (when I can locate one colourful enough, and large enough) just, don't look sturdy. And don't have enough pockets. I have realized it is not so much I need a large carry-all container. As much as a fair/medium sized one with LOTS AND LOTS of pockets. Because I have a lot of little things to carry with me everywhere. And well, I want colour. Colour is important. Lack of colour is very, very boring - like how USians have very bland, brown and white and beige houses, occasionally red (if brick or siding - sometimes even yellow. Oh, yellow). And y'know, well padded shoulders, that align well w/ the back and distribute weight well, while offering easy access without having to take it off, and spin it to the front to access well needed pockets.

Hmm. Sling backpacks? (*looks*)

ETA: Nope, not pretty enough. Not colours enough. Arrgh.

--
And yeah, freaking out over spending money on my mother; despite trying to balance budget and her personality and the reason I'm playing 'nice' etc... I keep counting how many lamb dinners it'd have bought me. There's just something about the EXPECTATION of gifts (tribute) that really upsets me and I'd seriously forgotten how fucking much.

Sometimes, really? It hits me, just how much STRESS I've lived with all my life, and how easy it is to trigger that set of thinking.

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Willow
Date: 03:00AM | Sun, May 13th | 2012
Subject: Other News
Security: Public
Mood:--
Tags:--, about my mother

It's mother's day. It's arse o'clock in the morning, but it's still mother's day. And I survived other mother's day by thinking of all the amazing mothers I know; Karnythia, Kita06, Zvi's Mum & Aunt. But my mother called me yesterday to remind me today's mother day and to demand a gift. Or as I like to think of it; tribute.

I haven't bought a gift for my mother for mother's day, for more than 10+ years. I think at some point in the last couple of years I might have managed to send her a card. Maybe. Usually I treat myself to something special and either leave the house and relax in a bookstar and buy something, or go out to lunch or something. I care for me on mother's day; care for the aspects of myself that desperately needed mothering and never got it. I have a lot of thoughts on that, all wrapped up together - sparked by conversations I've observed online about black mothers protecting their children and being care-givers but not necessarily being able to the tenderness perhaps desired because of their own traumas, because of the battles they were facing; intergenerational trauma compounded. I know I love my mother (can't help it), while respecting and loathing her at the same time. And it's all complex and spun around involving the ways in which she did stand up for me, have my back and push me and the ways in which she utterly failed me, refused to see me and physically and emotionally damaged me.

It's complex.

And, this year, she wants tribute. And this year it's the first time in a long time, the very thought of it being mother's day makes it hard to breathe. There's this skin crawling, scratch inducing heavy weight - just from those simple words. And her 'assurance' that it's the 'thought that counts'. But y'know, I have until next week for something to arrive in the mail.

And I hate it. I hate it. And I know, I know I could just ignore it. Ignore her. Call her, hold my breath and never send 'tribute'. But then what happens? She's still a node to cross to interact with my siblings. And I made the decision to keep dealing with her for access to them.

But I hate this... mode. This frantic running around like a headless, self-harming chicken trying to think of what could 'please her' and thus allow me to live (emotinally) for another year. I've only fucking well just worked up to bying her Christmas and Birthday gifts again. Just last effing year. And now this? That was my mistake, wasn't it? Buying her a gift, setting up expectations. And now. Now this - horror.

And this after a day where I ended up doing phone call running around, because ven though we both have issues dealing w/ people on the phone. Somehow... 'can you do this for me', and me doing it - isn't a 'gift'. It's 'daughter responsibility' / 'sister responsibility'. And fuck. I hate that such seemingly little things, aren't. Aren't little. There are boundary pushing and self harm activating and make me want to eat charcoal and vomit for hours.

Ugh.

ETA: Tribute Purchased. My brother needs go get to college in Sept. I can't fuck this up.

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Willow
Date: 01:09AM | Sun, May 13th | 2012
Subject: Eff This. New Rule
Security: Public
Tags:wtf!, wth?

No More Hitchhikers To Vegas, No More 'Naps'. No More Sleeps In The Day. Cause it seems like any sort of lay my head on a pillow results in total beddy-time, whether I want to or not. Whether I've eaten or not. So I just need to stay the eff up, even if my nose slams the keyboard, until a reasonable hour to go to sleep. Cause all this rest is happening unmedicated - so it seems obvious that there's an emotional component happening here. And I bloodly want SOME control over my life. Some. SOME!

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Willow
Date: 01:34AM | Sat, May 12th | 2012
Subject: Recc Me Sucky Books!
Security: Public
Mood:indescribable indescribable
Tags:lil help?, therapy / therapy day

Early arse morning in the middle of the night, world. My nap; my nap turned into 'knock out'. But here I am. Up! And with a request. Could you recc me some really, truly, sucky books? Nothing that sucks because of isms, lack of diversity representation, or because they did something awful with sex or the like. But just, sucky. Just, WTF IS THIS SHITE, sucky/ HOW DID THIS GET PUBLISHED, what?!

I'm following a course of action suggested by my therapist. I'll let you know btw, if it helps. So, books where I will not be even remotely invested. Books where perhaps, I will not be moved to give even the smallest crap. Maybe even textbooks! During our conversation, I floated the possibility of books on cars; if you know of any? Point me to them? I'd appreciate it.

I'm not sure if fanfic would work the same way. I guess it'd have to be for a show I'd never give a damn about one way or another; and where both the show and the fans aren't indulging in some kind of ism. To me that seems very unlikely - and then there's still, unless it's gen, going to be sexual/sexual attraction things going on.

I know I've asked for reccs before, privately/personally for good safe for me books. This is a completely different tact. If you're afraid to publicly say 'I found this book crap' - then NO FEAR. All comments will be screened! I have to admit, I'm too paranoid to take a recc from an unsigned anonymous comment post. But all comments are screened. So point me to the boring? The badly formed; keeping in mind my parameters of no isms and not having to deal with sex/sexual attraction stuff.

Who-ever thought you'd get to recc text books? I know some of you know some proper boring, crappy textbooks. The kind of things that if they were written about making toys - even Santa Claus would not be able to finish them.

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Willow
Date: 07:31PM | Tue, May 8th | 2012
Subject: Things Make A Post - Maybe
Security: Public
Mood:indescribable indescribable
Tags:*sigh*, i hate people, pain scale 6.5, pain scale 7, wth?

Have discovered one source of pain; not THE source. But A source. Apparently my clothes are just a little too big. A little too big enough that I'm trapping limbs in them when I sleep, putting enough pressure and friction on them, that I wake up with sore spots and (before now) no idea why. And as joints with their convenient bendy points, capture fabric; it's been bizzare to have both random spots of burny soreness and pain and what felt like bruising. And what felt like very odd joint issues. Am I doing the same thing when I'm awake? I don't know. But I definitely do not self-correct/self-adjust in sleep. I think my sleeping self just deals with pain by not moving the limb; which might not help much if the pain is caused by it being trapped.

In other news, this severe weather alertness; barometer up to 30 and 31 is also contributing to pain and the end result is, my sleeping schedule is all messed up; a combination of taking things for the pain, and just not wanting to be awake (unconscious thoughts) when I feel like crap. Also, having to be horizontal to deal with the pain, just sends me to sleep. I've spent YEARS training myself that that position is FOR sleep. So... uhm... The opposite of insomnia? Or a little offshoot of same?

Cat is a demanding furball as ever; pet me, feed me, love me, groom me.

I... I've been avoiding answering my phone for a few days. I am so damn grateful right now for texting. I just texted my mother; cause she left an 'OMG I Didn't Hear From You!' Even though she called me on Sat. And then forgot to call me back. But texting means I don't have to deal with her when I'm avoiding people. Why am I avoiding people? I'm not certain about that one. I just am. I'm proud of myself for checking messages. It's probably pain related. Lately it feels like I think I've discovered the why of something, and a few hours later; there's another aspect to it all. All this... pain... stimuli.

In fact I've been feeling a little on edge and wary of things in general; this close to being over-stimulated by the stress and unhappy (and ismist) crap in the world. I need to find some more joys. I have a few little spots; but I definitely need more so I don't feel like a walking wounded raw nerve - when I'm conscious of how I'm feeling. I'm finding myself very, very amazed that people who are all in their feelings, all the time, simultaneously and also have time to do other things. How do you do that? I find it exhausting; feeling things, processing the feelings, recognizing what I can do something about and what I can't. So much stimuli. Is it as exhausting/energy using up when it's all good? Cause spending good times with ppl I care about also drains me; though so far that's included a bit of travel and other adjustments. But damn.

If this is a case of 'I need a higher dosage of my current thyroid medication' - I should probably leave the house tomorrow for a same day appt, with a hopefully non sucky medical practitioner and start that ball rolling. But right now? I am so heavily into eff the world. Heavily into it.

And that's not even counting my sudden dislike of chicken. Maybe I made too much soup this past week? Maybe it's getting warmer and my body wants different fare? That's possible, right? My body does recognize two seasons, and the heat of 'dry' usually means light, quenching food? Or at least, lots of mauby. Annnnd now I'm missing peanut drink so hard, and doubles and phalourie - though, if I had the energy I could probably make some of those. I'm not allergic, I don't think, to split pea flour.

Oh! And a friend offered to get me a medical alert... thingie. And I've been spending ages trying to decide what I really want and would likely always wear/be unlikely to forget or resent - cause what I find pretty and what works for me, is not always the same thing. And I think right now I'm pouty because what might actually wear might be too expensive for me to feel comfortable accepting as a gift. So... Mental processing for that too. Also? I've mentioned before that OMG so few lines to mention so many things? (3 lines, 22 characters?) -- Hmmmm.

Also have I mentioned how much I long for the ability to pick up the phone and order delivery as both perk and treat and not having to cook when my brain isn't into it and what I have in the house I'm so not feeling? And having it be corn free, gluten free, nightshade free, dairy free, nitrate free, sulphite free and egg free? As just the basics?

**flops**

And I don't think I have enough carbs currently in the house; since the supermarket last month sent me bananas instead of plantains and I cannot bring myself to eat the remainders; especially considering I've only ever liked my bananas yellow-green and these are definitely not greenish.

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Willow
Date: 03:39PM | Sat, May 5th | 2012
Subject: Cats Make Great Heating Pads - When They're Willing
Security: Public
Mood:sore sore

The morning started off with a text conversation with my mother (and a separate one from Zvi. But that one doesn't contribute to exhaustion). I still havent' finished the one with my mother, cause I said 'eff it' and went back to sleep. Only my mother would get a msg saying 'gonna have a lie in, but am ok'. And then proceed to grill me me about why I had to add 'am ok'. Etc...etc...etc...

In other news, got the xrays done yesterday. Will find out on Monday, I guess, if I call to talk to the unprofessional script writing twit. But something I found Friday morning, helped me even get to the appt. About how to focus on making sure my pelvis is properly aligned, and that my leg swings freely when I walk (hip flexors, etc...) and that I'm standing tall and straight. It cut my pain in, at least, half, just doing that. Thus allowing me to do the necessary walking via the bus route. And have the strength to climb onto the damn table - wtf happened to letting people with pain STAND for their damn xrays anymore? I had to lie down, despite being in pain? Dah fuck?

Am currently pondering my life. No, seriously. It's like the revelation that what I thought were random ladypains, were lower stomach cramps due to allergens (particularly to wheat). Now it feels like yet another set of random ladypains throughout my life, have been actually BACK PAIN. I don't even. But the repositioning when sitting helps. So it feels effing true. So, somehow I've been walking and sitting wrong, using the wrong muscles, destabilizing my core and spine and aggravating the inflammation caused further with the wrong food.

I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. Willow hasn't been very aware and in her body for years. So why should I know what pain is really associated with what body part? I just went 'it's that general area so it must be this'. And considering my philosphy for years was; Life Is Pain - why would I give a damn about being specfic about it? Zvi actually drilled me, when we lived together, to give a fuck about pain. That pain was bad. That avoiding pain was a thing that could happen and was healthy.

Right this second, I have never missed my original therapist more. Really.

Also, I have a random... thing. So, like Kita? If I were male? Would I have clued in, y'think to stuff being back pain? Or associating the random back spasms with the pain and both being part of the same thing? I ask because you've lived w/ someone with serious Chronic Pain - specifically back issues. And I'm trying to imagine Maze walking around, holding his pelvis but KNOWING, because he's a guy, that it's his back.

ETA: Helpful links that helped me yesterday. I think it's the same article posted in 2 different places, but w/ different comments and replies
1. http://blog.wellnesstips.ca/blog/?p=124
2.http://trusted.md/blog/vreni_gurd/2007/08/04/walking_and_sacroiliac_joint_dysfunction_and_hip_socket_degradation

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Willow
Date: 08:00AM | Wed, May 2nd | 2012
Subject: ...
Security: Public
Tags:food allergies, food intolerances, fucking docs, pain scale 5

Took a benedryl last night, on a hunch. Woke up this morning, and the muscles on my right side are sore from my compensation for the intense hip and pelvis pain. But I'm not feeling the intense hip and pelvis pain; or if I am? It's dropped from 8's and 9's, to like a 5. A 5. My hunch? It felt like all this pain started AFTER I accidentally ingested something with corn syrup. I couldn't remember having this level of pain before it happened. So, benedryl. And now I feel better; and the temperature is the same, the barometer is the same, it's still raining, thunderstorms are still looming. So the extra inflammation making things unbearable? Corn.

I can't even. I cannot. even. I want to laugh and cry and punch things at the same time. On the one hand, now I know I have pelvic instability issues that need taking care of. But if I go through this entire day able to walk? Not weeping with every step? Not blanking out etc...? Then... then I can't -- I am trying to express my feelings about relief, and anger and upset, and disgust at the medical professionals around me and more. And I just... I can't.

I know not everyone in the whole damn wide world is dealing with similar things. I know this. And yet? There are so many people I know of, dealing with pain; on this drug and that drug and this drug to deal with the side affects of drug number 1. And if it's all food allergies / severe intolerances? I just... Even for just myself? I do not have the words. I don't. The level of pain I was in this past week, and how I fell into this quiet depression while attempting to persevere and just deal with it.

I can rub my hip without bursting into tears. I can physically touch my skin, without bursting into tears.

Now to figure out, given the huge flare, if there's anything else I recently bought and have been consuming that also has corn in it - tipping me over, or triggering my body to react.

I'm hesitant to think this is it. That's why I'm giving myself to the end of the day to see how I feel ALL day, to see if this stuff has really helped and if anything but muscle soreness shows up. But...

I can't help thinking about the Clinic of Fucking Unprofessionalism. And the previous doctor I was dealing with, and this past monday's doctor; and all the drug prescriptions written out for this pain and that upset stomach to balance the pain-killer. And I'm fucking in a; when did healers become not even apcoatharies, but straight up pharma sales men. It's like horror movie car salesmen, where you just can't get away and they're gonna trap you into putting down money. I can't - huh, my thoughts are all over the place because antihistamine easing pain? That's not something that previously would have come up in my brain. That's something I need to remember now. And I just... I can't properly explain myself. I really can't.

ETA: I did not take a benedryl immediately after the initial ingestion, because it was only a couple spoonfuls and I thought it wouldn't be a big deal. And considering I didn't break out into itches or anything else I watch for - I figured it hadn't been. Well, now I know better (maybe).

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Willow
Date: 06:04PM | Mon, April 30th | 2012
Subject: So I Think I Would Rather Die In Whimpering Pain Than Deal With Anymore Doctors
Security: Public
Tags:fucking docs, fuckwittery

Home

Been home for a couple of hours; went straight to bed. The effort of moving around outside the house, feeling the way I do... it was too much. Complete strangers on the street were telling me I looked exhausted. And I was all - that's jut the damn effort to get to the clinic. Which turned out to have been a bad idea.

Teal Deer; I'm five pounds lighter than my 'dream' weight back when I wondered if avoiding allergens would really make that big of a difference in my physical appearance. So, the people who've been surprised at how I look aren't just playing the fool. Whoa.

Also, my blood pressure, despite enormous amounts of pain, and loathing being in that damn clinic - was the lowest it's ever been since I started having to take things for it. And it's this low WITHOUT any of the things people wanted to put me on.

That's it. That's all I got out of the walk in appt. That and a referral to go gt an x-ray. I could have tried to walk in and get it today; but after the appt I was so mad and upset and still in so much pain that I just hobbled my way home, via a supermarket with lamb. And yes, it was a strain to do that. But now I have lamb on the stove as comfort - cause shiv today, shiv doctors, shiv it all.

Oh yeah, and this one nurse I usually thought of as creepy - he's really, really silly. He was actually the best part of the damn experience, because his silliness made me laugh and relax despite my pain levels. (I usually see him when I'm waiting to go to my therapist and in that environment, his random joking and jestering feels unnerving. In a doctor's office, while in pain? I think that's part of the reason my pulse and bp were as low as they were. It's hard to be stressed when the nurse is making Princess Bride jokes at you.)

When I called my therapist, via my cell; intending to leave message (yet another message in fact), I got him. Live and in person. And discovered the doctor I did see, was the very last one he'd have ever wanted me to interact with. So the plan on Friday is to use my session time to finalize some shite to do with getting me some PP care.

Cause I suppose finding a doctor I could stand vs the ER might be a thing. But really, I'm all SHIV the Medical Fuckers.

She barely touched me, when she did and caused me pain, she wouldn't stop I had to reach out and push her hand away for a break. And despite me telling her no, constantly about drugs and that the only thing that doesn't upset my body is aspirin; she insisted that aspirin upsets people's stomachs more than other painkillers and the solution was to prescribe me these other painkillers AND something to protect my stomach from the upset. Three prescriptions, within fifteen fucking minutes. Then of course there was the usual bullshit about how I haven't been getting care for so long, and my 'conditions' need to be monitored and I needed to get blood tests right that day. To which I said NO. Loudly. And pointed out that I'd just gotten blood tests a few months ago - most of the ones she was asking about. Why that shit isn't in my chart? I don't know.

It was a horrible experience and mostly, I know I don't have any sort of infection, because according to her; I have no fever. Now, I actually DO have a fever, a very slight one. My baseline ISN'T 98.6. And that fact should be in my chart. But I guess it's not convinient insta there, so whatever.

I loathed her. I loathed her' I can only advise, if you want to go against medical advice...well...' I loathed her making me 'hop up' on the examination table despite my pain in order to examine me and not go looking for a room w/ a lower table or something. I hate that she exemplified damn near EVERYTHING about how my clinic, over the years has changed from a small community clinic primarily for queer peoples and encorporating low income peoples; to a low income, gov' sponsored, push 'em in and push 'em out converyour belt system. And that the only thing queer in the place anymore is the 'Wall of Courage'. I think, perhaps, when it was a program catering to queer people; it understood how much respectful care meant. And now, it's just surviving. Or something. Bah, I should hate it for having 'promoted' my original therapist out of actually seeing patients.

So yeah, in more pain now; cause the bus ride there triggered back spasms that haven't gone away. But wtf ever. W.T.F. ever.

Oh yeah, and apparently medicines aren't made out of - y'know, STUFF. Cause when I tried to explain that part of my allergic reactions is to things like corn, she was all 'only medical allergies are relevant'. Cause y'know, pills don't have corn fillers along with gluten and wheat fillers and the like. The FUCKER! More annoying than the bus drivers giving me side-eye for needing the ramp today to get on and off.

ETA: Before I can get a referral for a PT, I need to get the x-rays. But what if this is muscular, I'm not sure x-rays would show a damn thing. But whatever. I can worry about xrays another damn day. Or pray really hard about a massage therapist I have to find money to pay for out of pocket.

ETA2: I also hate doctors that ask you to describe the pain 'sharp, throbbing etc...' but then don't bother to explain to you WTF those descriptions even mean. So I said 'tight' and 'squeezy' which apparently wasn't helpful. I even tried to compare it to girl time soreness. But y'know, no feedback or help from her wtf so ever. But she did say one thing about it hurting to pee, that now has me worried; cause what does HURT even mean?! I need a Jungian therapist who decided to become an MD. Really I do.

ETA3: Something I realized in the middle of sleeping - Dr. Prescription Happy never once asked me if I was sexually active. I know I don't have PID. But how the hell is she to know that if she doesn't ask? Just because I don't have a fever? Not everyone/ever physical body responds to illness in exactly the same way. And there I was having difficulty describing pain to her according to the preset adjectives she wanted to use, and she didn't even ask me THAT basic of a question. I can't even. Cannot. Even.

ETA4: More and mor I'm feeling that as ridiculous as it seems to me, to walk into a room w/ a doctor and go 'HERE. This is what's going on w/ me. I researched it on the internet'. Apparently that might be the only way they'll come remotely close to figuring it out? If you do all the effort? I don't even - again, I don't even know. With muscles and bone situations, I was going to bring it up if y'know, conversation opened. But describing the pain didn't ring any bells for her. Just... grr arrgh fuck.

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Willow
Date: 09:34AM | Mon, April 30th | 2012
Subject: (no subject)
Security: Public

Travelling by bus clued me into my true pain levels. Want to fall over. More later - maybe. If I ... nurse interuption more later

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Willow
Date: 10:49PM | Sun, April 29th | 2012
Subject: So... ahem
Security: Public

Sacroiliac Joint Dysfunction with Pudendal Neuralgia - uhm should probably see a doctor about that, right? Should probably go to a doctor on Monda? Maybe?

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Willow
Date: 03:13PM | Sun, April 29th | 2012
Subject: Managed To Get Some Sleep
Security: Public
Mood:cranky cranky
Tags:pain scale 7.5

And now apparently it is sunny outside, and the temperature has risen, and the barometer has fallen .10 points. Which means my pain is a little better - yay. I have slapped some patches on - more yay. Now to have some tea and figure out cooking while limping (unfun and not quite yay). Monday will be the challenge - will I want to leave the house and have people poke me. Meanwhile cat demands loving and hair is demanding washing - I am so laughing at the hair. I don't own a shower chair, so it can't come at me with this. Nuh uh. Weak leg in shower = fall and bump my head.

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Willow
Date: 11:04PM | Sat, April 28th | 2012
Subject: The Upper Reaches Of The Painscale
Security: Public
Mood:--
Tags:--, pain scale 9

I may either crawl to an ER or Clinic of Fucking Doom & Unprofessionalism on Monday - depending on my levels of pain. I missed a day, due to pain; half sleeping, half curled up with the cat not sleeping. Today I managed to check in online once. I am currently in so much pain I'm crying. So I think, yeah, crawl somewhere in hopes of someone willing to believe the levels of pain and give me a PT referral or something; because even lying down isn't helping unless I"m asleep and the pain goes from groin up over my hip, over my buttock, down the back of my leg, to the bottom of my foot, to the tips of my toes. One long branching line of pain. And lidoderm patches aren't helping and I don't have big whoop droopy painkillers in the house anymore and I've had enough l-trytophane to equal one huge turkey all by myself. So... of course, while in this much pain, my wanting to be around other people goes down so much, so I say I may need to go somewhere on Monday. And then on Monday, I may rather curl up in a corner and suffer than have to travel by jerky, bumpy bus, limping along with my cane, and have strangers touch me.

My longing for a medical professional I feel even somewhat safe with. I just... I can't begin to describe it. No fuzzy feelings and hair stroking and then putting me on a bunch of drugs I'm allergic to, and then telling me when I swell up due to allergens I just need to eat less. No bullying me into taking medicines I don't want or need or have pointed out I have averse reactions to. Just... shit. I'm talking myself out of going anywhere near a damn white coat on monday.

Anyway, alive. Just, in pain. A lot of pain. Earlier it dipped down to 8, 8.5 and I peeked in on twitter and managed a reply and despite it being a 9, I just peeked in on chat. But I'm beginning to be honest and realize it's BEEN at 9 for daaaaaaaaays now. And I've been denying it and pushing myself and thinking my brain was just being 'weird' for being unable to think. But y'know, I'm pretty sure a 9 on the painscale and still cooking at least 1 meal a day for myself, is huge -cause 9 probably means 'brain quit now'. And I should have noticed I was eating less and cooking less and it meant something. But....

Anyway, making statement. In public. On journal. And the funny thing? I'm not even suicidal. I have so discovered that is primarily a coping mechanism for anxiety. Self harm and no more Willow is because Willow has become to anxious to live in her own skin. Pain? Pain just means curling up like a snail under salt and trying very hard not to whimper. And thinking odd thoughts like; as a wounded animal, I am very dangerous, cause I might rip someone's throat out with their teeth if they caused me any more.

And yet? Took me days to catch a clue. This endurance bullshit in my head? Is some... don't even have words for how messed up it is. And I can't even blame a Catholic childhood! Cause at no time am I thinking enduring it all is making be a better/blessed/saintly person. I'm not doing much thinking at all.

Oh yeah, tried to call my therapist and ended up in a fucking loop where it wouldn't go the the voicemail system only to their human messaging service - who refused to take any messages cause they should have been open. I finally hung up, being on the phone and focusing for that shit was too much effort. I was about to fall over.

I am sitting on three pillows to write this and things are still only at an 8.5. And slowly climbing. So enough effing update about how half my body is simmering quietly in a pool of electrical agony and fire pain.

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Willow
Date: 03:08PM | Fri, April 20th | 2012
Subject: Ahh ahhh psshhhhh deflate
Security: Public

So I do have a cavity. But somehow the other cavity I was supposed to have isn't there. I wonder if the thing I used on it,would work on this one. Other than that, setting up my next appt took more time(computer issues) than my cleaning. No deep scaling, no ultra sonics. And he got the stuff he left last time. Makes me wonder if it was left last time, due to the condition of my mouth.

Might need my therapist to check in with him. There was no mention of any problems and I can't tell if that was a tact to be gentle with me or if allergies and bad meds were doing a more profound eff-up in my oral health than I ever imagined.

Plan to pick up a nibble and crash after therapy, until about 8 or 9ish. The cavity had me so upset sleep didn't much happen.

Edited: For full keyboard. Oh my stars the mistakes. Was I so hungry/relieved/stunned I didn't noticed?

Also PS: Therapist has stated dentist is kind of 'extremely thorough' about his patient's mouths. If there was a problem, I would have been told. He wouldn't just leave it, unmentioned, unseen to, etc...

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turn the page
By Any Other Name
of Willow
January 2016