By Any Other Name
the tale of Willow

Date: 01:08AM | Thu, April 7th | 2011
Subject: Some Thoughts
Security: Public
Tags:a bundle of thoughts, about me, food, food as good living, food as medicine, thinky thoughts

I don't often talk about my diet, what I'm eating, not eating. It can trigger things for me, I know it definitely triggers things for other people. I've been writing about it a lot more here in my journal; dealing with health issues and gluten intolerance and the possibility of celiac disease. I picked up some books from the library today, recipes, eating, diabetes. And flipping through a few, one thing hit me immediately - I started putting more carbs b ack into my diet because I was so hungry all the time without them. And I need to write this out, in hopes I remember to bring it up with a nutritionist who might give a damn.

More Food Talk )

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Date: 08:05AM | Mon, March 21st | 2011
Subject: Grrr Arrrg! **stab stab, cough, scream, mood swing!**
Security: Public
Mood:weird weird
Tags:about me, food, food porn

Only slept five or six hours, woke up at 3am, practically starving. Tried for a cup of milk, and ended up not quite dozing with my stomach gnawing at me for two hours. So finally got up and managed some kind of food for myself. I blame hunger for a weird dream involving Ryuuji Otogi, a female doctor, and this other woman who was around for reasons I don't even know. I think it was a medical situation. At one point, one climbed into bed with me, and the other was reading a storybook sitting on the edge. It was just too bizarre and I was surprised when I woke up, that I hadn't seemed to realize it was a dream. I'm glad I did recognize it was bizarre though. Hurrah for boundary sensors!

Now to try and make sure this hunger headache GOES AWAY. I am fed up with flares, pains, joint aches, burnt fingers, hunger pangs, dizziness, back spasms and the damn rest.

I am craving Orange Juice. Like I am seriously considering ordering groceries and it being nothing but ground beef, orange juice and potatoes (ok and maybe milk)

Also I've reached the point of dreaming about bread; apple turn overs in the triangles of puff pastry, fresh baked home-made bread, french bread with butter and parmasean cheese, scones (raspberry & current), croissants, toast w/ butter, crackers and cheese (made better with guava jam). Also grilled cheese sandwiches and roti (Caribbean Style) and waffles and possible pancakes, but definitely also blue berry muffins.

I feel like Grover having a spaz out; over bread.

Ended up speaking to my mother yesterday, at least I think it was yesterday. She can't make up her mind if it's a wheat allergy she's convinced her children have or a gluten allergy. It's a conversation with my mother, it's not going to get any better than that. And yes, it is weird that she's treating what happened as if nothing happened - but that is yet another classic Momitude/Momism/Momithing so I'm trying to cope.

I need to look up recipes for Moong Flour and Channa Flour and Split Pea flour cause I have bags of those and not enough spoons to make Roti (Caribbean style).

Am I boring you yet? Also made 90% decision about my landlady's gift card. Expect my mother to either get me a Sautese (Circulon) or Sneakers (DC Women's Skaters). And I'm trying to choose between Boddy Back Buddy or Original Back Knobby II. Also does anyone know of an electric massager that's GENTLE? I loathe feeling like a road and like the massager is a jack hammer and my muscles are a tar/asphalt covered road.

In other other news: First Comes Loves = Wedding Show I'm finding more enjoyable than most, cause queer couples yay! (And yeah I still go - only two people? Weird. Oh my wee poly heart).

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Date: 10:21PM | Sat, March 12th | 2011
Subject: Me & Dyson
Security: Public
Tags:#disability issues, about me, pain scale 3

I kept noticing, but ended up not saying much, about how the Wasghinton DC seemed to have a contract with Dyson; Union Station had Dyson hand dryers/ hand blowers. And the restaurant we went to had them too. But the thing is, I didn't really like them. And I couldn't figure out why, until just now.

This is a dyson hand dryer 'Air Blade'. If this link is broken, please just search engine. It's a silver box, attached to a wall surface, wherein you put your hands through the top of the box and air blows in a straight hard line to dry them. To me it felt a bit like putting my hand into a toaster. And while putting a sink under dripping hands is a marvelous thought, I got irked at the angle required for me to put my hands in. My hands didn't dry well, or activate the blower when I tried to put them in from the open sides, which was more comfortable for me. I also ended up feeling very conscious of the edges of the drying mechanism and wondering who else had put their hands there, and thus was very focused on not touching any part inside the dryer - which made me tense up, so that along with the needed position to hold my hands to get them properly dry, I caused myself pain.

But I didn't think about the pain, because it was low level, beneath the surface. I just knew I didn't like them. And when I saw yet another one in the bathroom of the restaurant where we had supper - I had this 'Ugh' sensation. I probably even said 'Ugh'. And yes, it wasn't enough for me, in the face of company and food and trying to reach places in time etc, to end up saying anything. But it did affect me.

I wonder if there are people in wheelchairs who've used these dryers and if they found them comfortable depending on their disability, to hold their hands up and over. I wonder if disability was ever a thought in their creation and implementation and I just had an uncomfortable experience. I know I found myself thinking things like; They can't bother to create pivot door hinges to cubicles and enough space that opening door won't hit someone standing outside - they leave the whole doors push in, so you have to dance around the toilet to get out - but they put those things in place? Also, they can't think of putting a hook by the sinks so people can temporarily rest hangbags or canes, but they put those things in place?

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Date: 02:51PM | Thu, March 3rd | 2011
Subject: Uh oh, perhaps to dream...
Security: Public
Mood:contemplative contemplative
Tags:about me, about my mother, dreams, online: journaling systems

There's something ver strange about two complicated dreams in a row. I don't call them nightmares... except, maybe one really was, since it got the adrenaline going. But it's not what I ordinarily think of as a nightmare, more of a bad dream.

The First: I'm apparently an accomplished ship's captain, navigating a ship (cruise ship) to Minneapolis for some reason. And then, 8 minutes till, the wheel goes out of my control. I try a shift of a large vehicle, and end up turning sharply to the right, and into a whole circle, and then the proper shore won't line up right and the ship somehow strays onto a road, gains wheels and continues to be out of control by not stopping, not turning when I want, and when I do manage to get it to slow down, by startling up again by itself. Meanwhile at some point I'm somehow thrown out of the 'driver's seat' and am trying to convince the person now behind the wheel to step on the breaks and pull up the handbreak (yes, I know it's a ship, or was, but now it's a bloody bus). But I can't tell if they're teasing me by only pretending to do what I say, or if the vehicle is out of control for them too. And all I'm focused on is getting the damn thing to pause enough so people can get off the damn thing safely - even if they have to leave their goods behind.

The Second: And then at some point I wake up, and my adrenal glands hurt and I manage to get back to sleep (which is odd csince I woke up at 2am, decided to take a nap near 5am and ended up sleeping, dreams and all to 2pm). But it's another vehicle related dream. There's some sort of carpool or destination and I'm supposed to go with, I think it's my mother or in the dream it's supposed to be my mother, but definitely a female person who represents family and matriarchal authority. But somehow I end up in a van, with a group of different girls/women and we're some sort of support club or activity club, picking up and meeting other women for the first time, and commenting on the scenery and where would be good places for outings and I realize the time is 1:30 ad say I have to be getting back because my family will be upset I even bothered to come, rather than go with them. And there's a general of awwwh, really? And I can feel I'm not looking forward at all to dealing with my family but it must be done. And just as I'm insisting I have to go - I wake up.


There could be more subtle things going on, but it does seem obvious that I'm associating female persons who represent family as authority figures who don't let me live my own life and demand I bow down to their authority as to what I do or do not do. And even so, I try to navigate by attempting to balance my wants with their wants, in a dance no one really appreciates - with the odd fear that if I don't, my blood family will just up and leave me behind and BLAME me for THEM leaving me behind (family caravan going somewhere but I go with friends, wanting to try and meet up with them later, but I 'shouldn't' have gone at all according to them and they won't wait long for me to go off and attempt to have my own life).

And the first dream pretty damn much feels like 1) I don't wver want to drive and 2) I feel like trying to live my own life is this huge... thing. And that it runs away from me. I can't control it. I'm NOT in control no matter what I think, no matter how many times I check my wallet and see the required licences. The vehicle won't let me be in control.

Which is downright freaky.

Can I blame it all on how things played out recently with my mother? And further this week with her cool 'I guess you're not talking to me then'. I can tell it was meant to guilt me. And she tried talking to me anyway, I just didn't answer. I wanted to talk to my sister, not to her. But I guess my subconscious is convinced I'm going to pay for that.

Meanwhile/In Other News: It's a little sad to see people deleting their iJay's. And even weirder to see people who were so stuck on LJ, slowly turning up at DW. And I hear Inksome once Scribble is closing down by Month's end or something. Feels like iJay's becoming the new GJ from a culture pov (more rp, less personal journals, less fiction style fandom). I wonder if I will ever get over erasing my words to try and get DW to work for me, whether or not there was a copy of said words elsewhere.... More life a bit out of my control...

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Date: 02:00PM | Tue, March 1st | 2011
Subject: ---
Security: Public
Mood:brain shot brain shot
Tags:about me, about my siblings, the year: 2011

Since last night, I've wanted to order groceries -but could not focus enough to buy properly. Buy to match what I still have inhouse, and any treats for bday month. And buy healthily, but 'easy for bad days'. Notsure what's going to happen today, hoping for less pain. Keep running into the problem of bundling up and getting to hot, taking things off and getting too cold.

My little sister wrote me about some jackass at the mall harassing her. And it pisses me off and makes me sad that she felt it was somehow her fault. And now she's hesitant to go around w/o some kind of weapon - that's how creepy the jackass was. Sent her a long email. What I find sadder? My sister is a competition winning karate artist. Granted she hasn't been in competition for about 3 years now. But I know she still practices on her own. But she seems to have completely forgotten that, because the man was just damn creepy. My sister is a young teenager, she says the man must have been 40.

It's my birthday month and I'm trying to keep it all together. There's a few things I need to do this month, but my brain has been in serious shut down mode since that altercation with my mother.

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Date: 11:03PM | Mon, February 7th | 2011
Subject: Note To Self: IMPORTANT
Security: Public
Mood:achy and icky achy and icky
Tags:about me, health: physical, pain scale 6.5

Heavy bag, worn on one shoulder, results in sore, strained, painful pulled muscles in shoulder AND neck. It is more than enough time to stop making do with the old shoulder-bag and buy a new backpack.

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Date: 04:03AM | Sat, February 5th | 2011
Subject: State of Me - Friday
Security: Public
Tags:about me, health: physical, therapy with dr. yoda

Picked up my prescription, informed pharmacy that they are utterly lovely, but OMG too damn far away. Discovered hospital apparently has back entrance I can try and use in the future - the walk might be shorter to actually get inside the building. Had a need for routine, however, due to dental appt (flocked). So took the long way to one of the familiar bus stops, only to be in too much pain to walk to the bus stop that doubles my chances of getting a bus. So had to wait 40-50 minutes in the road, since no one cleaned their sidewalks EXCEPT the hospital.

I was a pained mess. Though I think while the pain, was well, pain, part of it was me stuffing too many things in my bag and not realizing it. Apparently I had books in secret pockets and forgot. So of course my shoulders are pink and sore as crap now.

Then the library branch I wanted to go to to return a book apparently closes on Friday. And its bookdrop was DISGUSTING. I blame the nearby boys school. I totally TOTALLY DO. So I switched tactics took a different bus to a different library branch, returned the book, took the subway downtown and then another bus up the hills to the medical offices. There I absolutely took a good twenty minutes to have some French Onion Soup. It wasn't worth $7. I would have been even more comforted and happy if it had been $5. But I hadn't eaten since 6am, so food needed to be had. And I figured something warming (I was so bundled up, mouth covering hoodie, fleece top, fleece lined jacket, jersey skirt, leggings, socks (which needed to be longer), boots, gloves, and occassionaly the jacket hood). And also something filling but easy to eat.

And then AFTER the dentist, I picked up the treat I'd promised myself for making it there and then realized it was early enough to try and get to the govt office for paperwork I needed. But it turned out I was 10-15 minutes later. They close an hour earlier than I thought. So it was all, painful, slow walking, through occasional slushy snow to take two more buses to get home (the bottom of the hill) and then walk to my place. Whereupon it was discovered govt paperwork had arrived after all!

And then I went to sleep in a blazing pile of screaming sore, spasming muscles, while my pelvis alternated laughing and crying like someone hysterical at a funeral. And I am not quite recovered at all yet from the physical push to get things done.

ETA: Don't think I'll ever have the energy to make my own french onion soup. Which is sad, as it is very delicious and i would enjoy it at home.

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Date: 12:08PM | Thu, January 13th | 2011
Subject: Mini Update
Security: Public
Tags:about me, errands: running around

The big thing that was stressing me out last week, was that my bed went kaput and I needed a new one. And then, low and behold, i found a second hand bed, but didn't have transport, so I called my wonderful landlady to arrange transport (if she could help) and she COULD. But she also decided I needed a brand, new, fresh mattress and she gifted me one! And then I felt completely overwhelmed and as if the world was spinning far too quickly and freaked out in a major, major, physical body flash backs, psychotherapy, kind of way. Good news is that everything was sorted this past Sunday and though my new bed is smaller than my old one (so I must learn to greedily take up the WHOLE bed again and not hug a corner) it is comfortable and very pretty (I don't care it's covered up by sheets, it's pretty!)

Now, however, my body recovers from all that tension with weird muscle spasms, twitches, and pain - some of which is also caused by the barometer kissing up to snow. And I'm hoping to recover in time to take back up the medical inquiry stuff I'd been doing BEFORE the bed really showed me how broken it was. So that I can continue trying to make headway there.

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Date: 08:07PM | Mon, November 15th | 2010
Subject: Age
Security: Public
Mood:contemplative contemplative
Tags:about me, health: physical, hungry willow is hungry

Does everyone experience this moment differently? Do they experience this moment and not identify what it is?

I find myself thinking "I remember when I could survive on a juice-box and a snickers bar." These days the juice-box would be HFCS and I couldn't/wouldn't drink it and I find snickers to be too sweet and not all that tasty (probably because they've stopped using coca butter and are using refined castor oil these days).

One day where I didn't start off with a strong meal, where pain and confusion had me munching cold popcorn as I figured out if I was going to try and order groceries or order take-out or try to cook, etc. And by 4pm, despite several glasses of yogurt fruit smoothie and munching on some crisp bread, I had a hunger headache, and dizziness and general agitation and grumpiness and felt like crap.

I can't miss meals. I can't survive off just sugar. And it feels like a weakness, even though my rational mind can go on and on about medications and vitamin supplements and how I'm building back up from not taking stuff for a month because I spaced so hard and was caught up in emotion. I can't miss meals anymore. It's not grey hairs. It's not wrinkles. But to me, it's this thing about age which triggers I don't even know what about who I am, where I am.

And the part of me that is always amazed I'm still alive after 21, isn't quite as loud as it used to be, or at least not now, not when I'm facing this quiet rational fact of ; I can't eat 'what I want' anymore, when I want anymore. That my body has needs to keep it going, keep it as functional as possible. And the truth is I haven't even discovered everything to make it prime and optimum yet.

I know, again rationally, that people with various food/body system disorders etc, have to deal with similar quite, quite young sometimes. Diabetics making sure their blood sugar doesn't drop. People with various intestinol disorders having to be wary about input.

And yet....

I'm hoping part of this maudlin is an effect of not eating at optimum today, because most days since March I've just been all glory and praise at feeling better and I like astonished, grateful happiness as my outlook on my ability to get things done.

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Date: 08:45AM | Tue, November 9th | 2010
Subject: State O Me
Security: Public
Tags:about me, energy scale 3.5


So livejournal allows you to have an optional note telling someone why or when you are friending them. But that option is only available if the journal you are friending is a paid account. I understand encouraging people to get paid accounts, but this functionality seems like it should be something so basic. Then again, given LJ's mercenary views, maybe the very fact it's a basic component and something people would like, means of COURSE they'll charge for it. Like water in a desert.


PS: My exhaustion is slowly lifting. Enough that I realize my slow brain from the past 10 days was due to not enough med/thyroid hormone in my system. Did you know hypothyroidism can cause joint pain? Or maybe I mentioned it once when I got the newspaper to face slap of 'Fibromyalgia in many cases can actually be hypothyroidism'.

Building up for therapy (and hopefully med pick up) tomorrow.

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Date: 09:00AM | Mon, November 8th | 2010
Subject: KERPLUD
Security: Public
Tags:about me, discomfort scale 4, energy scale 3, errands: house stuff, pain scale 5.5

The universe reminds me of what it felt like to cry to stand up, to feel dizzy upright, to feel two to three times as heavy as I am, to have tingling-tickling-sore-pain. Prescription renewed. Will try and pick it up when I can this week. Feel like I've been smacked with two things; this medicine is actually working and I may be on this medicine the rest of my life so dystopian explosion better not happen.

Meanwhile I have all day to try and make soup.

Oh yeah: Soft toilet seats are squishy cushioned icky germ infested doom. Too easy to rip in places you never notice, causing you to suspect your toilet tank has not just hard water / hard water stains but some freaky funky fungus problem. Soft toliet seats are NOT progress. They are a bane!

**collapses now**

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Date: 10:18AM | Thu, October 28th | 2010
Subject: State of Me
Security: Public
Tags:about me, cope scale 3.5

This is just a note to say I'm alive. I'm not talkative. I think I'm just coping (soothing) in a non-chat/quiet way.

I also cut my locks off. Everytime I go use the bathroom and look in the mirror, I'm surprised. I've always believed that hair grows back. But I feel as if I not only got rid of baggage somehow, but like I cut off a limb. Hopefully therapy will help me deal with it.

Good thing I've got hats though - s'gonna be a cold winter w/ less hair.

I'm writing this entry precisely because I didn't/don't want to write it. Don't want to mention my hair at all. Having no comments is my compromise, since it pings alarming me to me to NOT want to journal something.

Sleeping, keeping track of time, other health markers are... iffy. Mild SH urges.

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Date: 10:14AM | Fri, October 15th | 2010
Subject: Oct Sucks + The Event
Security: Public
Tags:about me, cope scale -2, depression scale 9, tv

Oct is not being a good month. Upstairs tenant + landlady situation has left me feeling betrayed and a prelude to retaliation assaulted. And my emotions and psyche don't much care if that's rational or not. Which means I'm having waking nightmares. Which means I haven't slept.

So... I'm going to talk about TV. Namely 'The Event' - Since it's on. I watched the 1st episode. Was bored out of my mind. Checked Wikipedia & Discovered I was right right right - before the show even finished.

Spoilers & Scathing Be Here )

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Date: 07:57PM | Wed, October 13th | 2010
Subject: Insidious Lies
Security: Public
Tags:#queer issues: q is for queer, #social justice issues, about me, cope scale -3, mental health, topical

Standing in the kitchen, trying to make myself somthing simple to eat - all I seem able to handle these days (but at least I phrase it as 'these days' and recognize it as a phase and not the state of things FOREVER') - I realized that I really hate when life reminds me I'm dealing with mental illness. Physical stuff I seem to handle somewhat better. And yes, I roll my eyes and laugh a little as I type that, because I'm currently learning to tell the difference between depression, anxiety and pain.

I am completely serious. It is my therapy homework. 'Each of these things is not like the other. Each of these things is just not the same'.

But there is an inner block, an inner something that wants to say 'No, I used to be like that. But I'm better now' - when it comes to days where I can't think straight, don't want to do anything, have to force myself to eat, need to search for something to look forward to to get out of bed or something I feel obligated to do; feed the cat, or be there for a friend ( note: obligated = love. If I don't love you, I'm not lifting any fingers). There's this internal stigma against my brain being so obvious about not working.

I find no stigma in being multiple.

I find, in general, no stigma with juggling anxiety or sadness/depression.

I do find stigma at having run out of functional.

I don't know if I'm judging myself for not monitoring well. Or if I'm judging the state of not being functional with a lot of mental tapes full of subliminals I can't even hear well enough to describe. But I know what stigma and shame feel like and I'm feeling it, along with the related frustration (though at this stage it's more like an itch because I'm so far under functional).

I can realize, rationally, that I'm falling into 'Shoulding All Over Myself' - that I feel like I should be able to handle, should be able to manage, should do this, should do that, should NOT be freaking out or feeling numb, or dry gears. But it's not really changing much. At least not right now.

Honestly, part of me is hoping it's just October. That it's suicide anniversaries, and mental tensions about who I spend the holidays with (my mother's usual haranguing sure to birth forth any moment now (Yes I phrased it that way on purpose. Her desires are a lovecraftian Athena with ONE goal), and the cold, and glim, rain and shadow and lack of sunlight.

But I don't know. And I hate not knowing. I hate feeling like I'm backsliding. I hate the thought of phonecalls making me want to curl up in a ball and cry because while I may have the physical energy I don't want to force my brain to handle things and end up deeper in that non-functional hole.

Right now I'm hating that my physical and mental highs and lows do not seem to match up. I'm loathing having to look suspiciously at supplements and wonder if they're affecting me. And I am in no way pain free through any of this. I just have more cope to fiddle with on the physical than the mental as I hike up this mountain called life; great views, a bitch with the oxygen and temperatures.

When I sat down to write about this though, I saw a couple of those 'It gets better' posts that people have been doing as a 'do gooder' add on to the recent media promoted death of queer teens. Earlier today I'd already commented on how much I think that's a lie and the real message should be 'You Get A Chance To Find Community. We're Here'. And I don't really give a fuck who thinks I'm recruiting.

But writing this now, I realize I really am ANGRY, because that feels a lot like what I'm struggling with re: Mental Health. The lie that got into my head that I should -get- better eventually, and be cured. That I did everything 'right', found a health professional, have a treatment plan, etc... so once I get over a hurdle/problem/complication/situation/mental grah - it should be over. In the past.

Except of course that life doesn't work that way. Living might be linear, but life experience is NOT. What I have now is support and resources and tools for handling things, even when I feel dismal about it all. I'm writing right now, as a tool, I'm speaking to the one or two members of the world community from which I get support, I am being a resource. That's what I have now, that I didn't have in the past, for both dealing with mental illness AND being queer.

And that's why I don't care how moving a youtube video is about 'it gets better' and why it only irritates me. Because SOCIETY DOESN'T CHANGE THAT FAST. It's not a state of two different worlds and once you reach a certain point, VROOM, you step through to 'THE BETTER LIFE'. Setting someone up like that, is setting them up for real hurt and disappointment. It's me struggling with extra depression, over being fucking depressed despite supposedly stepping through into 'THE BETTER LIFE'.

It doesn't get better. It should. We all wish it would. Many of us are working to try and make it so, a little bit at a time. But the 'better' doesn't come from suddenly attaining some magical state. Adulthood is not a cure for gueerphobia or queerbullying. Treatment is not an insta- cure for mental health. What does help, what lends us all more lengths of cope, are community support, tools to manage and resources.

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Date: 09:25PM | Fri, October 1st | 2010
Subject: No Power
Security: Public
Tags:about me, oh my g-d!

No power since 3am Friday morning. 1 brief moment in the morning, and then boom. Off for 12 hours. OMG Electricity I love you soooooooooooo much!

Oh yeah, last night also had an electrical socket short - with non happy sparks! And the dual power outages may have messed up the socket holding the tv.


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Date: 05:21PM | Thu, September 30th | 2010
Subject: State of Me
Security: Public
Mood:not dead not dead
Tags:about me

Any attempts to describe my current mental state would employ violent imagery. I am grateful to have people in my life who care about me, and chat with me, and point out silly things to make me laugh, so that I have some minutes and in some cases glorious hours without crying or wanting [ violent imagery ] etc...

Also, I love my cat for being silly and making me chuckle and demanding I pet her.

I am aware that some of what I'm dealing with is only 15% upstairs neighbour. But when one is rationing cope, 15% is a heck of a fucking lot and I really wish they'd [ violent imagery ] or just pop out of existence.

I might possibly need chocolate milk. Chocolate has been the oly thing to help these last couple of days.

PS: Is iJay Support OFFICIALLY USELESS now that spammers are using support requests as a spam vehicle?

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Date: 02:23PM | Sat, September 18th | 2010
Subject: Self Recognition
Security: Public
Tags:about me, coping = undervalued skill, multiple me, my brains ain't what you think, things that suck

Today I got up, and after about fifteen to twenty minutes got the gist of something I wanted to use, was able to decide I didn't need certain features, picked the part I liked the most and inputted data.

Yesterday I spent ALL DAY trying to get the self same information manager to work, explain itself to me, personalize itself and went to bed frustrated. I also had trouble spelling simple words, typing and just dealing with things in general.

If life wanted to remind me, sharply, how much my cognitive ability can differ on the day to day, yesterday did it. I could absolutely think in the abstract, but practicality and implementation illuded me. And I need to remember this for all those times I'm on fire one day with my writing and the next I can't seem to put two words together. The challenge is more than being able to live my life functionality (in a world built for and catering to the mononeurotypical - and seem just like them), it's remembering my difference and finding ways to cope with it.

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Date: 05:33PM | Sun, September 12th | 2010
Subject: Sunday Visits
Security: Public
Tags:about friendship, about me, my boo

You know you're enjoying the company of a not often seen friend, when you walk right by a place that potentially holds everything you need for the errands you have planned for AFTER the visit - and you don't even think about it. You're just too into the conversation and companionship. Thus, because Walgreens and RiteAid were closed, I ended up having to walk just a few blocks shy of the place where Zvi and I had lunch, after dropping her off several block away, to pick some stuff up before coming home.

The visit was nice. It's really.... comforting to have a safe and trusting space WITH a person. I'm glad I have it.

ETA: Apparently it is NOT surprising when a character sticks in my head for being a kick-ass, intellectual dominatrix. I laugh at this. I laugh at all.

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Date: 02:25AM | Thu, September 9th | 2010
Subject: Coughs, Taps Internet
Security: Public
Tags:about me, jewishness?

I apparently triggered myself into missing a whole day today. So belated Happy New Year folks. Mine was definitely filled with the realization I need to pay more attention to myself, not less, because I love myself.

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Date: 01:49AM | Wed, September 1st | 2010
Subject: ...
Security: Public
Mood:sleepy sleepy
Tags:about me

Eating frozen strawberries and about to go to sleep. Felt a need to write down some of my thoughts - Mom's convinced new medications may be contributing to my current... blahing through life, messed up sleep schedule, inability to focus etc... Trying to make myself reschedule some appointments, can't think to answer the phone. Just... drifting.

But anyway thoughts.

Caught Voyager on tv a night or so ago. Ended up watching it. Found myself thinking about how much I loved the Trek universe; the clean bright ships, the uniforms, the sense of purpose and mission and how Trek always ends up my favourite, bringing up all sorts of emotions in a way gritty and oil and ugly blocky space faring vessels forever breaking down just can't.

I also caught some Angel (5th Season, Spike returns) and realized all over again that I'd sooner own Angel dvds than Buffy any time. Which just always amazes me - every time. I never think of myself as the 'Leap To The Spin-Off And Like It Better' kind of person. But I laughed a bit at how easily it all flowed back; my thoughts on the characters, my perspectives on them, my sense of their voice, my sense of who they were at that time and place. I want to think that maybe Angel made a bigger impression on me because I saw themes of growing up, and finding one's way - building a new support network, realizing you even needed a support network, stumbling and redemption and growth. Whereas, I didn't really ever see the 'High School is Hell' symbology in Buffy, because I never reflected on High School past the thought of enduring it to the end.

It was startling though, to watch Angel, and find myself noticing that Gunn fairly is the only PoC in the room, in the building, in the firm, and sometimes the only one out of twenty in the whole of damn LA. To notice other little things I didn't notice at the time, because I was being 'such a good girl' about identifying with the characters put before me.

And then there was the weird part, though probably logical next step, of finding myself mentally meta-ing the camera angles and choice of framing and visual story-telling of not just Angel and Voyager - but I caught the last hour or so of the movie The Time Traveler's Wife. I think I shall have to read the book, it seemed very much like my kind of story. Anyway, it makes me wonder about which alternate universe out there, am I a struggling film maker - I hope there is one.

Had more thoughts, but they're kind of disappearing with the sleepy.

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Date: 11:05PM | Tue, August 3rd | 2010
Subject: Mini Update
Security: Public
Tags:about me, about my siblings

1. Saw mentions of the ONTD mess. Saw the 'Check Your Privilege Derails Conversations' BS. There are too many assholes to make a note of! LJ Note is overworked. And I don't want to spend that much time noting them all.

2. My sister and I got semi-matching, hand assembled (by us) necklaces today. There was also the Mall. Target. And the Library. Yesterday was B&N, and chilling at the Harbour. Her first full day there was THE AQUARIAUM (with dolphin show). There's been movie watching (LOTR) and some mild anime watching, manga reading and a whole lot of walking. So much walking. I'm thinking I'm healthier thahn I've been thinking to manage it all (yay herbs! yay thyroid medicine!)

3. My emotions continue to be up and down and all around.

4. My mother doesn't help.

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Date: 05:55PM | Mon, July 12th | 2010
Subject: *sighs*
Security: Public
Mood:hungry hungry
Tags:about me, processing, thinky thoughts

I'm reading an atla squee post. And then they bring up, shipping and invoke incest. And also there's this kind of leering thing going on with the characters. And I'm so crushing disappointed because -fuck- they had to bring sex into it. With bondage even. And I don't think I can finish reading this, because I adore these characters and I'm just so tired of reading objectification and getting that burning knot in my stomach, and squeeze in my chest and tears in my eyes that's me trying to force myself through my discomfort (and I say discomfort because I want to say trigger, but it feels so WTF so say trigger. Cause what am I triggered by?)

Or rather, why am I triggered so much by the (current? popular? huh?) fannish tendency to focus on lust and relationship pairing. I can tell that the tone of the (particular) post is/might be playful. And yet it's so.... Do. Not. Want. In my head there's pain and then comes fussing cause it feels like the focus isn't on deep ties of friendship and family and community, adventure and heroics; but on sex and physicality and erotica.

If I'm dealing with something, I wish it'd come to the forefront already and be PROCESSED. And if I'm not... I wish I could ... I don't know; find better words to express myself? Find media that explores outside of the apparent 'sexual 'feminist' revolution'. Or whatever the positive equivalent is for people who're likely to call me a hater who doesn't understand or is trying to stiffle creative sexual expression or whatever.

*sighs* I just want to find a place where no one's basting smut all over things I like and no one calls me a 'prude' for wanting that.

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Date: 01:44AM | Sun, July 11th | 2010
Subject: Thoughts on 'Home Tidying'
Security: Public
Tags:about me, errands: house stuff

Read More )

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Date: 05:06AM | Sun, July 4th | 2010
Subject: Thoughts & Mini Update
Security: Public
Tags:about me, books

I'm in desperate need of replenishing the well, so I'm looking up books, trying to find something that will hurt me the least. Stumbled across what seemed like an interesting cozy and thought 'Aha! No gratuitous sex, focus on a small group with character development, mystery for me to puzzle out, I can handle the white people'. Except that in the middle of a police questioning, when there's still evidence to be collected, the story flashes-back to one month earlier and starts dropping info-dump backstory (non relevant in my book and thus after I'd closed and opened and closed and reopened - I skipped it).

I didn't like the beginning, which was a prologue of the do-er's thoughts as per stalked the victim. It just seemed so... bad guys think like this cliche. But it was just a prologue. Then came Chapt 3, with the flashback info dump. And then all over, was the, to me, forced gimmick. Do other people really want to read about the best way to store coffee, roast coffee, make coffee in the middle of a murder mystery? Do you need a recipe and an itemized list of instructions when someone's life hangs in the balance?

Then there was a , to me, realistic moment of lust after the lead detective - but instead of that being about shock, and thinking about life and love and mortality, up pops the protagonist's ex-husband and they're suddenly will they or won't they-ing. Oh yeah, and it's chapt 5 or 6 I think where we find out that the protagonist's boss is her ex-mother in law (unless they dropped that in the stuff I skipped). It seems so pretentious to call your MiL 'Madame'.

So here I am trying to figure out if this is me as a reader going 'WTF' or if this is yet another case of 'Stuff that gets published that's actually not worth it'.

More on Wed )

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Date: 11:54PM | Sat, June 19th | 2010
Subject: Life :)
Security: Public
Tags:about me, about my father

Laugh at me. I got so excited about calling my Dad for Father's day - completely forgot his birthday, despite having it on the calendar.

*laughs at self*

Just called him now though.

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Date: 03:13PM | Tue, June 8th | 2010
Subject: Update Me
Security: Public
Tags:about me

I continue to have no bruising from the blood testing. OMG.

This water thing is AMAZING!

In other news, also feeling somewhat unsafe at the moment. But calmer than I was. (Non related to the creep.)

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Date: 03:56AM | Thu, May 13th | 2010
Subject: Update-y
Security: Public
Tags:about me, about my mother, anxiety scale 7, doctor things, thinky thoughts

Bared my soul on my DW comm before heading to therapy - then bared my soul more there. All and all it was a productive day. Oh, by the way, am feeling MUCH better now, drinking out of a GLASS JAR.

The baring my soul bit is going to get expanded on more in therapy. Because I think I need some professional tools to get past the rage and other knotted emotions when it comes to my writing. I'm admitting I cannot heal with purely my own fortitude - especially since it's not a situation where I can totally isolate myself from constant reminders of what makes me so upset in the first place.

Tomorrow is the doctor's visit. Whatever happens, I need to treat the hell out of myself SOMEHOW. Balancing health anxiety ontop of other factors; plus those other factors themselves - heck I still have to find the mental energy to switch banks. And today I revealed that high anxiety equals mental confusion; well maybe not so much 'revealed' as the events this past weekend have given me concrete proof (that I can now put in my journal / lj archive and find to remind myself). Funny how total mental confusion only feels like being mildly dazed, until you realize all the things you're not paying attention to.

I cannot wait to have this doctor stuff sorted out, so I can tell my mother to back the hell off - because her well meant intrusiveness is wearing me the hell out. And I just keep reminding myself that I know how to cut her off, I've done it before and contrary to everything she's said, I can do it again - it's not a factor of the meds I was on or the doctor I was seeing that had me putting up a huge buffer zone for my own sanity. And I have to admit, when I'm worried about my health - wanting my mother around for various forms of comfort and assurance is like jonesing for something (my only personal experience however being self-harm). Though it's about being 'addicted' to abusive/intrusive behavior' - it's about what I'll put up with in order to feel comforted. I know my mother - how she disappoints and how she comes through. Trusting other people without all those years of history is -- difficult is an extreme understatement.

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Date: 04:04PM | Sat, May 8th | 2010
Subject: Recent Concepts & Realizations
Security: Public
Tags:about me

1. I really love Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle. The first movie had absolutely NO PLOT. And now I'm pouty I spent $3 on it. But I guess I was feeling an unusual moment of 'completism'.

2. Cats refuse to let you sleep the day away. You absulutely must wake up just to top up their food and water.

3. The more anxiety causing something is; the more my brain's begun shutting down if I get too agitated, to the point where I can't think anymore. Ugh.

4. Just mentioning anxiety to make this list has blanked my mind. I know I had other points to make. But they're all gone now.

5. If you've been looking for me online and haven't seen me - I've been watching mindless tc and letting the cat boss me around; doing all I can to keep my anxiety levels low (because OMG anxiety + blood pressure = OMG!!)

6. The amount of anxiety relevant things - let us not even get into them. It'll be easier to discuss when they're OVER. However; it looks like my landlady will be renting upstairs instead of selling the house. So I only need to worry about renewing my lease (for a possible rental increase). Wow.Recent Concepts & Realizations

7. Oh yeah, watching 'Say Yes To The Dress' only further concludes that I just don't get spending a whole lot of money on weddings. A lot of money on good food and a place to party - yes. 6 grand on a dress? WTF? I don't feel like a broken girl - boo. I do feel ike a broken girl - yay thogh. OMGosh! She's broken out of societal conditioning! Call the Guard! It did make me laugh though, to find myself agreeing with the 'Grandmas' and 'Greatgrandmas' on the show - "What? She could put that money on a downpayment for a house!'.

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Date: 09:59PM | Wed, February 10th | 2010
Subject: Snowblivion
Security: Public
Mood:does this look mellow to you? does this look mellow to you?
Tags:about me, weather: wtf! snow!

It is still snowing.

Foolish snow related things I have done.

1. Gone to throw out trash, managed to get all the way to the bin and then realize I didn't have proper shoes to step into the snow from under the deck, nor did I have something with which to shove the two foot of snow on top the bin, anywhere. Turned around to go back and only then realized that what I'd thought was wet, was actually ice. And then realized I'd been completely lucky not to fall on my ass. And suddenly worry because I ventured outside without my cane. It took me two minutes to make it to the bins before realizing I needed to turn back. It took me seven minutes to get from under the deck, back inside my back hallway. And then I was exhausted. When I made it back to the computer and checked the city's Snow Page, discovered trash collection was suspended anyway, so it's not as if the landlady wouldn't understand me putting a small bag in the back hallway until the danger of slipping and cracking my head open passed.

2. Gone to the front door to see if it was still snowing, just now. Unlike the first blizzard with wet, snowball type snow. This is dry, powdery, get everywhere stuff. My little portico is covered in snow. My steps - which only got dug out Monday I think it was (possibly Tues), covered in snow. Took my tail back inside and then realized my slippers were -wet- because the parts of the portico that looked as if it hadn't been snowed on. Had been snowed on. And melted. So my front door is going to be a danger zone.

3. Did a load of laundry yesterday. I'm not quite sure why. Ok I kind of am. I'm attempting, slowly and bit by bit, to re-do the futon for when the landlady needs to come take her pictures. I suppose, however, I should be realistic and recognize that an open house on the 20th is unlikely to happen. Not just because people are unlikely to want to leave their homes when it's that cold and not just because who knows if our street will be cleared, but because there's a high chance there'll be another bloody blizzard on Feb 20th.

4. Called my grocery store and discovered it didn't matter that I'd done laundry yesterday. They wouldn't have delivered anyway. They haven't delivered all week. They don't think they'll be delivering until the snow stops. Which made me kind of laugh, what with it being winter and all. But my don't we hold on to our hopes that we'll get back the days of 40 and 50 F degree weather again.

5. I feel no inclination to get on a greyhound bus and go traipsing 200 miles north in this weather. I keep seeing the damn bus skidding and falling on its side. We'll see how things go in the next few days. But anxiety about snow + bus and possible open house has been compounded with aching joints and brain fog. It's been difficult to do much. I've had problems even trying to -read-. Find myself trying to find something to watch that won't irritate me.

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Date: 12:43PM | Sun, January 24th | 2010
Subject: And so....
Security: Public
Mood:complex complex
Tags:about me, state of me, willow's warren

I'm currently mainlining "Murder Victims". It's odd how comforting such shows are. Maybe it's seeing people triumph through thinking over their problems that's so soothing. I don't know. It's just odd to me how much I enjoy them and yet I don't think I could write a procedural. Procedurals are much longer than what I've finally admitted is my forte. Procedural makes me think 'novel'. Though I suppose Poe did a procedural short story - The Purloined Letter.

Things have happened. I did talk to my landlady finally. But it wasn't actually too helpful. She doesn't know or have answers to my questions - she's simply reached a point in her life where she can admit that her life is no longer in the city the house is in. And she was holding on for sentimentality and needs to make a clean cut of it. There's one option, one possibility of how things could turn out that I'm currently holding on to. If that doesn't work out, I figure I have a year or so. And in the meantime I've got to see about the rent increase paperwork.

Really, I'm currently not thinking about it and I'd like not to think about it until the end of the month. I spent a week wound up tight, oh so incredibly anxious and I'd like the chance to recover from that and feel more solid again - as solid as I can be.

So, "Murder Victims" where senseless death is contained with futuristic fantasy science. CSI Miami has holograms now! It is SO My Sunny Batman Show!

PS: I am managing to feed myself. I'm very grateful for that. And that I've recovered from either a stomach flu or food poisoning - whatever made Monday & Tuesday so exhausting and full of ick and ugh.

PPS: Malware @ Livejournal. Something to think about and be aware of. Has anyone encountered pop-ups on iJay when logged out?

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turn the page
By Any Other Name
of Willow
January 2016