By Any Other Name
the tale of Willow

Date: 03:15PM | Wed, June 11th | 2008
Subject: On My Way To PT
Security: Public
Tags:errands: medical, the move, therapy / therapy day

Phone service apparently won't be up until Friday. They had to make an appt with Verizon to put in a line. Didn't find that out until today when I could get to a pay phone. I'm hoarding my phone's minutes.

So Friday/Sat at least should be able to be online via dial up.

Landlady is working out why I can't connect to the wireless set up - she might have to move the gateway, or get me something extra.

I'm alive. Sore. Knee still hurts. Had therapy today and that helped.

Haven't bought groceries, would like to today but it depends on how much energy I have.

*hugs and love*

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Date: 05:09PM | Wed, May 28th | 2008
Subject: ....
Security: Public
Mood:-- --
Tags:therapy / therapy day

Scheduled Emergency Therapy Session - Friday at 10am.

I can hold out till Friday - maybe.

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Date: 07:22PM | Wed, May 14th | 2008
Subject: Dear Willow, this is your Knee. You're a bitch! No love. Knee on the Left.
Security: Public
Mood:ow ow
Tags:errands: medical, health: physical, pain scale 6, therapy / therapy day

PT is pain. It's pain to make you stronger and better, but it's pain.

Things I noticed today:

- Hot damn PT is pain

- When limping and using a cane in a hospital, whether from a fear of lawsuites, the training to note something is wrong, or some natural caring; many, many people will ask you if you need a wheelchair to get around. (In my case many was 4)

- I'm going to need to be treating myself to dinner in the vendor-cafeteria after PT, because no way am I going to be able to stand up in a kitchen and cook after. The walk back to the subway and then from the subway to where I live is too long. And in the new apt, I'll be walking uphill from where public transport drops me off.

I had a raspberry smoothie today that was worth the almost 4$ it cost, just cause the flavour made me smile.

- Hot damn PT is pain

- I should have just used photoshop instead of worrying about some type of 'proper' signature when it came to paperwork thingies. Cause my plans to do stuff today after PT were abruptly cancelled by the hot, simmering pain.


In other news, is it my computer or connection? Or are Twitter and iJay being weird and kind of fucked up?


PS: And oh yeah. I had regular therapy.

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Date: 07:39PM | Wed, May 7th | 2008
Subject: low down mofo bad as ass whacked up day
Security: Public
Mood:shaking in shock ....stuff shaking in shock ....stuff
Tags:discomfort scale 7, health: emotional, pain scale ?.?, therapy / therapy day

The amount of pain I should be in is stupid.

My knee buckled. I forgot my wallet. Had to go back to get it. Crawled to therapy. Was late. Only half session. Had the run around physical and administratively (?). With bad knee. Begged for cane to help me get home. It would have to be ordered. Broke down in a parking lot and cried. Did my necessary collecting of paperwork. Decided since I was in such awful pain anyway, to shut if off, and get groceries I wanted.

Supermarket was out of Honey Nut Cheerios (genric is less healthy)

CVS had it on sale. Got 3 boxes.

Also treated self to pineapple slices (now cooling in fridge) and seltzer water (raspberry) and salmon at $4 a lb. Because knee was/is kind of burning warm like Bengay. And I will need to leave the house again for the week for a stupid Xray even though I had an MRI cause the fucking orthopedist prefers them.

Have cheerios right now.

Will be crying into them as I let my self feel sensation again.

Day also included realization that I forgot to buy monthly bus pass. Got so flustered bought a 1 way ticket, then stood in line for the bus, climbed onboard and said 'oh fuck'. Monthly passes are no longer on sale.

I might also be getting a new cellphone #, because while I was juggling NOT to get an appt to see the orthopedist in DECEMBER and dealing with Apt of Lies' Landlord's Consultant - I forgot to buy more service time. Have credits. Do not have service.

And i still have to call my mother and pin down a time for the move - without letting her know something's wrong with me.

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Date: 07:07PM | Wed, April 30th | 2008
Subject: The other part of the day that SUCKED
Security: Public
Mood:distressed distressed
Tags:therapy / therapy day

Upset by the bullshit hapenning with the apt of lies I currently live in; I still had to make it to therapy today.

On the way to therapy my OTHER knee began to pain and ache and pull. I was for all intents and purposes limping on two legs. I realized after therapy that I still needed to see my clinical caseworker and update her to the apt situation and limping there would eat up travel time to Physical Therapy. Not to mention I had to stop off at the clinic and get the referral to the damn orthopedist and find out if I was still supposed to go to PT even though no one's sure what's wrong with my knee.

Cut for length )

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Date: 07:16PM | Wed, April 9th | 2008
Subject: Ow
Security: Public
Mood:hurting hurting
Tags:about me, errands: running around, health: physical, pain scale 9, therapy / therapy day

I am in tears and in pain. I have a referral to get an MRI on my knee and to get physical therapy. It is seriously likely, I have retorn ligaments in my knee.

All day long I've felt like a wounded gazelle on the savannah. Like prey. There was no way to hide this injury from public sitesight. And on my way home, after the medical examination, the stupid bus I took apparently couldn't lower it's front end for disembarkation. And the driver wouldn't use the wheelchair lift. So I hurt things even more getting off the damn bus. To the point where I had to stop several times on my way to the subway, in tears.

Broke down once I got through my front door. I don't react to pain mildly. When I say it hurts. It hurts. It hurt enough for me to be curt with my doctor about how I felt about how I'd been treated regarding pain management and weight and sugar issues.

Right now I'm shaking and trembling and crying. It hurt so much just to get home! Obviously I couldn't stop for groceries. And I'm glad I didn't force myself. Carrying things in my backpack would have been beyond unwise.

I'm not sure what I'll do for groceries. I don't trust my old supermarket, which delivered. Maybe I'll see if Safeway delivers and if they have what I need at a reasonable price. Because leaving the house until next week? Not happening.

The clinic didn't have a cane for me or a brace. The doctor is going to order a knee sleeve, but that won't arrive for several days. In the meantime I'm going to contact a different pharmacy and see what they suggest and try and get my doctor to order -that-. Since a knee sleeve sounds somewhat useless.

Oh yeah, and limping is putting stress on my other knee.

More thoughts when I can concentrate better. But yeah, I spent 15$ on not a very good burger for lunch, because I hadn't had anything all day and I couldn't walk another step. Had to buy where I was. PLUS my therapist was out sick today, so it's a good thing I had a doctor's appt or I might have curled in a ball in a corner of the office and wept because of the effort it took to get there. They did call apparently, but I couldn't sleep last night because of the pain, so I was really focused on getting out of the house this morning and didn't even turn on the computer far less check for voicemail.

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Date: 10:25PM | Mon, February 25th | 2008
Subject: Revelations I Had This Weekend
Security: Public
Tags:about family, about my mother, about my siblings, therapy / therapy day

Very. Very. Long )

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Date: 06:39PM | Wed, January 30th | 2008
Subject: Wed
Security: Public
Tags:apartment of lies, errands: running around, therapy / therapy day

Came home and discovered my computer had been trying to shut down since I left this morning.


Collected my housing paperwork
Gone to therapy
Spoken to clinical case manager who called housing case manager who defended the landlord until something CCM said pinged his memory to the fact that the landlord might be a bugging liar, but so far HCM hasn't called back CCM. But yeah, the landlord, behind my back, letter, setting my advocates against me.
Renewed transportation id
Went out to see a house
Discovered over phone than local acquaintance saw my current building (w/ landlord of hell) up for sale on a foreclosure website) - I will be looking into that later tonight. Remembered the url correctly. My building is up.
Got rent money order
Bought monthly transportation pass

Right now:
I've got chicken on
Rice cooking
And am staring longingly at the Mrs. Fields Chocolate Chip Cookies I bought myself cause jeez fuck today was trying and then some.

What I want later:
To curl up with heating pad
Take pain killing drugs
For all cramps and spasms to go away
To find something humorous to watch so my jaw doesn't lock up again.

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Date: 02:34PM | Thu, January 24th | 2008
Subject: there is no title
Security: Public
Tags:apartment of lies, therapy / therapy day

I have my keys back. They said no one had a chance to go into my apt while I was out at therapy. Nothing looks moved or shifted to I think that's true.

Why did I have to give my keys in the first place? Because I was leaving and they changed the locks (last week? week before?) because someone tried to break in (namely Mr. Scuzzy Security Guy). So they don't have a key to get in. I don't know if they made a key while in possession of my keys. They could have. But I wanted this thing fixed.

If it's fixed then maybe it'll pass inspection and I won't have to move until my lease is up - which gives me 6 months of breathing space.

Anyway home. Tired. Cranky. Seem to have bought less groceries this month cause the cupboards look a lot bare. I may end up buying groceries a week early.

Feel saner.

Had it explained to me that this stuff would overwhelm, aggravate and raise any one's blood pressure.

Did I mention the house seems warmer now the vent's closed in the room of doom (in the apt of lies in the building of suck)? Maybe it's cause there are three vents in the living area. Or maybe it's cause it means more air in less space? Maybe a combination. But I'm actually typing without a blanket thrown over my legs.

Then again, the computer room could have been cold because, well, part of the ceiling was/is rotten and air was creeping in that way.

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Date: 05:11PM | Wed, January 16th | 2008
Subject: Exhausted & More
Security: Public
Mood:drained drained
Tags:therapy / therapy day

This past weekend, someone broke into the neighbourhood church.

The head of security just stopped me downstairs on my way in to apologize for what happened this past weekend. It turns out it was not maintenance who'd tried to enter my apt, but the security guard himself. Who then fled. Which was why he wasn't around for the cops to ask him any questions. Which is why he's been fired and is now persona non grata in the building.

I say nothing about my landlord not checking backgrounds, not getting bonded people. But if the fired guard is who I think he is, then he's the only one who never wore a uniform and never bothered to learn anything about any of the tenants. Oh yeah, and the one who likes to say he was not given an emergency number to call, so whatever your problem is - you'll just have to wait.

In other news: My therapist gave me a report card because I've been feeling a bit like a big huge loser failure something or other. It reminds me of just how much work I've done in the past nine years. And then she did that thing I hate, where she quoted my IQ and other stuff at me to remind me I'm not stupid.

I think I love my therapist.

Getting pissy at her did in fact perk me up. And then she laughed. It's nice to feel that it's ok to think of her as a trusted and licenced friend.

In further news: The ka-bob place on Charles St has closed down. I went there to treat myself to a nice Afghani supper and the whole building is demolished and there are tractors on site, shoving the debris around. I was very shocked. The last time I went there was November, I think.

In the last news: I have two appts to see two new places tomorrow. One in my old neighbourhood near the park. My caseworker hasn't called me back to give me any idea of how I'm to work this situation and everytime I call the housing authority, the wait time increases. First it was 45 mins. The last, it was 98.

I honestly can't be on hold that long.

Note today, I went for a doctor's appt, they kept me waiting for 30 mins, I left. Last week they lost my appt all together. This week I needed lunch and I wasn't going to wait longer to put something substantial in my stomach.

Ps To Me: Maybe I should suggest a photocopied pic of the persona nongrata to be put up at the security desk.

Extra: Can you block cellphones from texting you? My mother just sent me a message of all o's. Made me waste a third of a unit.

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Date: 04:47PM | Wed, January 2nd | 2008
Subject: This day needs a foot massage
Security: Public
Mood:tired tired
Tags:errands: running around, health: physical, therapy / therapy day

Went to therapy, tried to pick up rent receipt (not available yet), tried to pick up prescription (they didn't get my voice mail), tried to get blood pressure taken in clinic (they lost my appt and wanted me to wait an extra hour - I said hell no), picked up replacement halogen lamp bulb, found an address book, made it home in one piece.

Not for want of my trying I did not accomplish everything on today's todo list. But I'm ok with that. And now I'm attempting to grill chicken breast in turkey bacon - just cause.

Also! I'm going to call the nutritionist and fire her when I'm calmer - cause right now I'd cuss (did I mention she sent me like the opposite of everything I said I wanted help with?). Anyway, my therapist has experience with this stuff, and she knows my issues with food and body image and emotions etc, not to mention having so many opinions at once. So I'm going to use her as my go to person for my physical health situation.

Yay for people I can trust.

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Date: 06:50PM | Wed, December 19th | 2007
Subject: I got my head shrunk
Security: Public
Mood:drained drained
Tags:therapy / therapy day

Therapy was intense; sobbing, snotty nose intense.

My antidote? Soundgarden (local dvd/cd place)

I vacillated between X-Men 1.5 and Hellboy. Hellboy won. (Does anyone I know actually own 1.5? Is it worth it?)

Hellboy also won out over the Trilogy of Riddick, which was there used for 10$. If there'd been The Mummy Trilogy, though - there would have been no contest at all.

Also, finally found a copy of Monsoon Wedding!

So I have dvds to check and make sure are working right tonight.

Also also...

Dear Zvi,

On my way to Soundgarden all I could think about was Brick Oven Pizza. My stomach was practically growling when I walked past to go to Soundgarden first. Then, when I could finally go in, triumphant with purchases - you know what happened?

There was no Zvi!


No where.

So I didn't go. Came home instead.

I think you may see where I'm going with this. Brick Oven Pizza must happen in 2008. Preferably in January (since I don't think your gift will come in time, so you can pick it up then).


I miss my platonic gf. :(

AND! Fells Point has a new hot cocoa place. And I also saw something to do with ice-cream. Heck, it might be a Chocolatery. See! See why you have to come visit?!!!

In less Willow is pathetic and misses her former roommie news - I also have Ovaltine Biscuits.

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Date: 08:29PM | Wed, December 12th | 2007
Subject: personal update
Security: Public
Mood:crushed crushed
Tags:health: physical, therapy / therapy day

Home now.

Very, very, very long day - filled with doctor appointments and meetings.

Don't want to talk about my health. Don't want to talk about much of anything.

Right now I even feel like dropping out as a pinch hinter for my former roommate and good friend.

Emotional. Still alive.

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Date: 04:36PM | Wed, November 14th | 2007
Subject: So exhausted my toenails hurt
Security: Public
Mood:exhausted exhausted
Tags:lack of spoons, therapy / therapy day

Therapy wiped me out. Mostly because I didn't want to go and actually didn't go - my body got dragged cause Troupe Little Ones took over.

So tired I've gone past feeling sleepy and I'm into drooling staring at the wall.

PS: Tomorrow I have phone calls to make and who knows what other catching up re: official authorities, paperwork, bill paying. I feel right now that once I get those done tomorrow, I'll pass out.

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Date: 05:12PM | Thu, October 18th | 2007
Subject: Self Acceptance, Self Perception - Things That Mold
Security: Public
Mood:thinky thinky
Music:CD: Madonna - Something To Remember
Tags:about me, caribbean girl, therapy / therapy day, thoughts on: things to process

Self acceptance is a pretty damn big thing. I can remember adults telling me things about self confidence and beauty and intelligence when I was younger. I can remember quietly looking at them like they were monsters from an alien zoo.

There were too many things about me that were wrong. Sometimes they even told me what was wrong.

Therapy yesterday and I started talking about how I've seen pieces clicking together in my head lately. How I'm less judgemental of myself. And how that acceptance of my limitations, of having pain, of not being fit and healthy leads me to think of other ways of handling a problem.

I don't stare at it for hours anymore trying to build up a head of steam to do it 'THE RIGHT WAY'. I do it my way in my own time at my own pace.

I dearly care for my former roommate, but I don't think this settling into myself could ever have happened if we were still living together. There was still something wary in my of upsetting her, repulsing her, disturbing her, trying to be nice, trying to be liked, trying to fit in, trying not to send her screaming off in a rage.


Just in case some eyebrows are raising. But it didn't matter that the most that might happen is that she'd lose her temper and then maybe an hour later come back and apologise - because losing one's temper doesn't solve anything. And even more miraculous to me (in terms of life experience) 70% of the time her losing her temper had NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.

Something happened at work, on the bus, in the library and enough irksome things and a person spouts off.

I appreciate the chance I got to have a healthy relationship in house with someone.

And yet self-acceptance wouldn't have come living with her. I relaxed a lot. But I was still always on guard, wondering at judgements. Maybe the truth is those judgements came from inside of me, but it was easier to think of them as thought she might be having about me.

Therapy Thoughts )

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Date: 05:39PM | Wed, October 3rd | 2007
Subject: Yay!
Security: Public
Mood:jubilant n' tired jubilant n' tired
Tags:caribbean girl, food porn, therapy / therapy day, things i like, things i want

I've been shopping. I just spent money, not including the rent (which I drop off at the office tomorrow).


I has ROTI. Delicious, scrumpticious ROTI. Goaty Roti! And also a channa and potato roti.

And Sorrel Syrup! And Mauby Surup!

And towels! (cause I couldn't find any this morning) and wash cloths and batteries and a new wallet and pain killer!

And I went to therapy and the power was out so I had to climb stairs.

And I got books from the library.

And I bought my bus pass.

And did I mention? I HAS ROTI!

*is exhausted and achey but happy*

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Date: 10:57AM | Thu, September 6th | 2007
Subject: Deep thoughts (plus wtf Mom?)
Security: Public
Tags:about me, discomfort scale 5, health: emotional, health: mental, lack of spoons, question everything, therapy / therapy day, thoughts on: things to process

My mother is at it again. I've got housing information in my inbox. Considering therapy yesterday was all about how I need to find equilibrium because I've had nothing but 18 months of stress since the original move from the House of Three Years to the House of F*cking Doom and now I'm still having to scrape up fight for things to be fixed in the 'Supposedly Brand New Apt'....

I can't concentrate enough to reply to my mother properly. I sent her back a question mark because the house needs oil heat.

I'm just...

I'm still trying to remember and absorb yesterday's therapy session. Most important of which is the mantra:

'Just because I am physically or intellectually capable of something, does not mean that I have or even want to do it.'

How many times have I worn myself out instead of taking an easier route and saving my energy for what I really do want to do. Considering I have limited spoons it would seem to make sense to save my energy for specifics. And yet I end up feelign as if I'm incredible lazy, stupid and a whole bunch of other negative connotations for not utilizing my own personal ability to do something.

I gave myself a pass on the construction of the blog for the PoC SciFi Carnival because of the move and the obvious, blaring, fact of both limited time and energy on my part. If I wanted the Carnival to happen at all, I would simply not be able to do everything from scratch.

From Scratch )

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Date: 04:39PM | Wed, August 29th | 2007
Subject: sleep?
Security: Public
Mood:sleepy sleepy
Tags:blood cycles, therapy / therapy day


Went to therapists office just in case. But turns out I didn't have appt after all, nothing scheduled, some one else in my slot. I effing loathe that she's so busy now that my slot's not always open.

But I am grateful I'm one of the patients she's still seeing.

I should probably write her a long letter detailing what's been happening in my life. Can't think about it now though - sooo tired.

Should make some iced-tea. But sooo tired.

I kinda just want to sleep, though I think it'll mess my sleeping pattern all up and upside down.


Shulk - She who wants sleep.

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Date: 08:29PM | Mon, August 20th | 2007
Subject: updates
Security: Public
Mood:sore sore
Tags:about depression, about me, discomfort scale 6.5, health: physical, online: journaling systems, online: keeping in touch, pain scale 5, therapy / therapy day, writing: me

Are people deleting comments they make in my journal? Or is IJ eating or hiding said comments?


Today it rained. And rained. And rained.

I spent half hour grooming the cat until I couldn't take the fur blowing in my eyes anymore then I kicked her out of my bed.

Then it rained and rained - so I went to sleep and slept and slept. So much for my plan to talk to building management.

Right now I'm trying to persuade myself to make food.

Maybe on Wed the therapist will have some advice to yanking myself out of this noose of depression.

In more news:

It frustrates me to have people whose lives I care about still be on LJ, because I can't always comment on flocked posts. And I want to comment. And I'm rather irked at having to use LJ to skim or in any manner because I'm so skeezed.


Yesterday I got maybe half a page of thoughts done on a universe. Now I find myself very confused about if I like/want to write mysteries.

Too many universes. Too many thoughts in my head. Either is the confusion of being a writerly minded person or it's that plus being multiple.


Oh yeah, I have cousins looking to get back in touch with me. My mother sent me a pic of one. it so knocks out of my head my last mental image of them as kids (of him as a kid). I feel old. I wonder what they want to talk to me about. And I'm not sure I'm mentally ready to deal with any sort of people whatsoever.

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turn the page
By Any Other Name
of Willow
January 2016