By Any Other Name
the tale of Willow

Date: 08:07PM | Tue, April 5th | 2011
Subject: Things I Have Noticed
Security: Public
Tags:thinky thoughts

While watching documentaries about the great civilizations of the past, or the accomplishments of the great civilizations of the past; said civilizations seem to almost always be Greek or Roman. Roman architecture, Greek Medicine, Greek Literature, Roman Tactical Prowess. Roman Weapons, Greek Merchant Trading, etc...

On the occasions when there is something pointing out that East, West East and South East have had civilizations thousands of years older than Western Europeans; well, they get the dates wrong for one thing, claiming 3 thousands instead of 5 thousand. But there is also NEVER EVER a native expert. It's all white people, talking about the histories of another land, region and culture; British or American, at least 70% male experts. If you do see, as was the example I noted recently with 'The Forbidden City', actual Asian peoples - it's as background, in slow mo and stop and mo and as players in the dramatized bits that are being spoken about; players speaking english. The only people speaking Manderin were white - with the one exception of one conversation had with one Asian porcelain maker.

White people talk about the Mongols. White people talk about the various Chinese Dynasties. White people talk about Samurai (predominantly). White Americans do a lot of talking about Israel (old historical Israel). I suppose they could be Jewish.

I do know that my watching sees a thread of subtext of Western European invented everything, and if they didn't, they definitely improved upon it. It's odd, hearing about the rise and fall, glories and tragedies of a Chinese Emperor, and only see Chinese people in the background; city pan and scans, crowd scenes, dedicated Asian students in a library copying notes down in English.

Rome was Amazing! The Greeks brought 'us' (whomever that us is supposed to be) civilization! Meanwhile, Despotic Chinese Emperors get compared to Chairman Mao and the accomplishment of Chinese philosophers, architects, engineers and more, get phrased as 'And the Chinese may be credits with xyz'. As if it is something given to them.

The subtext was brought into sharp relief, by of all things, a SciFi Channel Movie. There was Marina Sirtis, bizarrely playing a Southern American government official - who some how had press conferences in front of the UN, while discussing European power initiatives with actual dialogue about how 'those people' when referring to West Asian countries and peoples as 'The Middle East' would never stop fighting/never appreciate it/ would never be allowed access to the technology that was being given to everyone else. And the Chinese, however could be allowed cause they'd embrace democracy (which I read as 'capitalism' especially when she then went on to talk about money making the world go 'round).

It's so.... it's so bizarre, the invisibility. So pervasive. I mean I notice when the history of various American states are discussed, it always starts with colonists arriving. As if no one else had ever been there. But this - there are Chinese or Arab or Persian or Egyptian people all around, but only the white speaker is real, is in proper focus. It's like a RL version of 'We're gonna tell this story that's associated w/ these people but cast all white actors' as if that's the only way to step away from 'The only important stories involve white people'.

And I haven't even discussed the treatment of South & Central America; usually phrased as 'The Great Civilizations of Savages'. In a way that could make a person wonder if those who proudly trace their bloodline back to Celts and Picts are counted strange for not embracing nothing but Greco-Roman heritage.

It's just so... bizarre. I mean that this is what is considered normal, treated as normal.

Then again, I, am abnormal. I'm the one noticing that tv shows seem to be making brunettes loner outsider characters and to be blonde, or have blonde streaks, or hair lightened from brown to dark honey blonde is to be an insider. It's just all so... bizarre. Paint commercials where the magical, mystical power of paint turns people's eyes blue. It's magic, they could have picked red or yellow or orange but... nope.

I think I need some anime again or something. I mean, wow, so dang freaky.

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Date: 08:29PM | Mon, March 28th | 2011
Subject: Brain Murky
Security: Public
Mood:thinky to distract self thinky to distract self
Tags:#disability issues, #disability issues: mental health, thinky thoughts

I understand how diet can affect ADHD. I understand how food, allergies to food, sugar or no sugar can affect paying attention, health, lethargy, focus, cognitive functions, etc. What I have difficulty understanding are books/talks/lectures/websites/etc talking about how Going Gluten Free Is The Cure For Autism. Or, FOOD ALLERGIES TO AVOID TO PREVENT/CURE AUTISM.

Continued Thoughts Here. Might Be Triggery For Some. )

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Date: 09:51AM | Mon, March 28th | 2011
Subject: Tap Tap - A Question For Y'all
Security: Public
Tags:#social justice issues, thinky thoughts

This was/is a reply to a comment where someone asked me to clarify my thoughts (it also concerns Sucker Punch - the movie):

I believe the point of rape culture IS that things deemed female are lesser and are for exploitation. It is possible to survive and to survive successfully by sharing tips and protecting others. It is possible to be innovative in dealing with the situation; but any true self-determination comes from going outside or against rape culture, from dismantling it as a culture by going counter-culture, attacking its assumptions, pointing out it itself exists and is rampant and destructive. And there will inevitably be a price for that.

To stay within rape culture and its mores and expectations and claim to find agency is fallacy. To stay within rape culture, to play the game and think 'But I did this, or I did that' is to think a leash equals freedom. This is a War of Attrition; it is as much warfare as class warfare where the wealthy with greater resources attempt to beat the poor into submission as a serving class that should be grateful they get anything at all. It is as much warfare, a mental, cultural, social warefare as institutionalized racism, with its constant micro-aggressions that erode at the spirit.

In rape culture there is a way to be for men and women and to me one can only find any measure of self by removing one's self, mentally, from it and fighting against it.

So to say but these characters found agency despite dressing in the trappings of rape culture, engaging in actions of rape culture, where the story-line is an aspect of the war against women within rape culture with depictions of the cruelties and savageries of rape culture for entertainment (mindless action movie etc...) and then say 'But they found agency'. How? At what point was anything against rape culture? At what point was anything not reinforcing the mores? How is that not a mockery; the gendered equivalent of a play about the free coon, the lazy injun, the dog eating Chinese, etc?

Or more succinctly: The Master's Tools Cannot Dismantle The Master's House. There is no beating them at their own game.

At what point was there anything more than a wink wink, nudge nudge? At what point was it made clear that it is not movie fantasy that women were treated thus by the mental health care system? That there are women alive today who'd been through being made so small, being pinned so helpless?

Get what you will out of the movie, people find inspiration where they may. But to say this is an example of anything finding agency within rape culture is to reduce agency to mere survival. Within rape culture there is survival. Against rape culture, there is agency. I am not demanding every woman take the risks of stepping outside of it to fight it (a mental outside step), but to me one will never equal the other.

I deal daily also with racist culture, I don't find my agency within it; appeasing, ignoring, blocking, being a part of it.

I realize now, that I engage in a kind of Matrix style dual (sometimes more than dual) reality, where I see rape culture, racist culture, ablist culture, queerphobic culture and I do my best to survive within in it, but find my agency outside of it. And I am not sure at all how to explain that. It seems so instinctive, like surviving in American culture but finding strength outside of it. This living in two or more worlds is normal to me. How strange is it to you?

ETA: Discussion of the duality is welcome. I do not want to discuss Sucker Punch, whether or not Sucker Punch is feminist. Didn't see the movie, don't want to see the movie, not all that interested in the movie.

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Date: 11:17AM | Sat, March 26th | 2011
Subject: Wealth; Tis Both A State of Being & A State of Mind
Security: Public
Tags:errands: online, thinky thoughts

Here I am, browsing, trying to figure out how to get the best possible bag to manage as a 'purse' whenever I leave the house, and for the times I go grocery shopping when I'm out (let us not think of a future yet where I might perhaps go out an extra day of the week to do grocery shopping). Anyway, I see a possible solution, and here I am pondering which verision to buy; the original, the knock off, or the one inbetween with added insulating benefit. Meanwhile, as I review the reviews I notice the difference between what it means for me to spend 30-40$ and for them to spend 30-40$.

Namely, here I am wondering how this thing collapses down, could it fit in a bag for every day, how would I use it practically. And many of them can casually talk about just keeping it in their car (if I had the health and wealth to have a car I wouldn't be shopping for this item ). But the one that hits me the hardest is people talking about buying another one, just for a) storing yarn (apparently the cheap knock off wouldn't be good enough for that ) or b) to take things up and down the stairs.

The day I consider spending $40 just on something to help me take things up and down stairs - when someone swats me over the head for it, I will know it is because my concept of money has totally and absolutely changed.

Adjustment: The one in the middle with insulation is HUGE. I had not realized that. Wow. HUGE. Whoa. **ponders**

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Date: 06:25PM | Sat, March 12th | 2011
Subject: ... More Sorting Out
Security: Public
Mood:sore sore
Tags:errands: shopping, thinky thoughts

I am discovering I dislike jeans having gone (in my mind/ how things seem presented to me) as comfortable clothing for everyone, to a way to show off how skinny a woman's legs are, even while she's covered up. So if I do wear jeans again (I do miss them, and have decided to try to convert the need to have at least 6 pair (even after all these years) into having 6 set of denim skirts, but the world is not cooperating at the moment). I would need them (jeans , if I were to start to wear them again) shaped differently than the common standard. They're supposed to cover my belly and hips and I've no bum to speak of anyway.

A little more on modest apparel & scare mongering )

I dislike clothing with plunging necklines. I like the v-neck shape, I find it flattering. But the lack of short/ non-cleavage v-neck makes me feel like there's a lighted carnival runaway pointed at my breasts. I do not like that.

I think I like shrugs. I think I like them very very much. So much so that I peeked about on Ravelry to look at patterns and wow, how do knitters do this? Spend so much money on the materials and then also make the thing. It looks like it comes out to be the same price! Yes, it's made to one's body, but... maybe they're just all amazing at grabbing up incredible OMGWTH sales?

I came across these sneaker boots - flat heeled canvas sneakers with lacing that goes up to mid calf, but they really fit via zips. And they seem wonderful and impractical and awesome and I want them and am trying to figure out if the place I saw them is a respectable place to purchase from.

Does anyone have a shoe place online? I'd like a pair of summer sneakers, but I'm very particular as to look - all the space age, plastic threw up on my toes and rolled around in neon stuff is not for me.


In other news, I need a bag. I had a lovely bag bought for me by one of my siblings, which just could not handle the amount of books I like to walk with (which is probably unhealthy anyway, but let us ignore that) and the faux leather strap tore off. And I have no idea where to go to get it fixed. Does one go to a cobbler? The one cobbling place I knew of in this city has since closed.

I am staring at etsy and pondering, but I need shoulder padding protection and a bag that is an octopus, so it can be carried on my b ack and at my side at the same time, and function as a purse and a backpack and an urban water/snack kit.

This bit of merchandise from Etsy looks very interesting and yet a part of my brain is convinced, convinced that were I to have such a bag, I might end up accidentally killing myself, or at least causing a lot of pain. But I do not think it is that big, and surely cotton can't hold a whole bunch without ripping, right?

This bag is so wonderfully sensible and comes in orange which would compensate for it being perhaps more functional than I Am A Pretty Princess Bag With Elephants!.


In other other news, has anyone ever used or known someone who's used either the Theracane, The Body Back Buddy or The Back Nobber? Is trigger point massage worth it? Is it the same, better than, ok as compared to regular massage? Is it about touch and some pressure, or specifically about poking around in trigger-point areas?

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Date: 05:48PM | Sat, February 12th | 2011
Subject: Semi-Random Thinky Thoughts On Spanking
Security: Public
Mood:contemplative contemplative
Tags:#social justice issues, thinky thoughts

When any questioning of authority or behaving outside of prescribed norms could mean death via the oppressor/colonizer, then parents would rather whip their children than have the oppressor do it for them. It would actually be a beating of love. A saving beating. But once we get past (which is not how thing stand even today) the need to imprint the unfairness of life in which those with control the lives of those without - then perhaps spanking really could fade into the background. There would be less cultural need of it, as a point of survival in the world.

Whenever I see post colonials making remarks on how a post colonial child of x country would never even think of doing what they've seen American children doing. I realize now that 'American Child' often equals 'White Child', because the perceived permissive attitude IS shocking when it seems like EVERY child is a 'young (noble) master', at ease with a particular sense of themselves. The ability to demand, to act out, to talk back, those are acts of privilege it is shocking to see in children when one comes from a background where tight self control within (imposed) limited boundaries has been passed on generation to generation for bare survival. It is submitting to authority, yes. But somehow these arguments using the phrase leave out the context of why there is/was a NEED to submit.

Actions, traditions, social philosophies do not arise in a vacuum, however much those currently in charge would like the current general populous to believe so.

I admit to being against hard spanking, defined as welt making/bruise making. And yet I too can see situations that would instinctively make me want to spank; a frantic fear pushing me. That's another thing, these discussions don't ever seem to mention fear propelling a parent, it's always these grandiose arguments about 'beating in anger'.

It confuses me that there are those who believe in social justice and equality, who think the concept of child autonomy and child rights foolish or who cannot see it all ties into - if there is a world with social equality, the need to instil the length and shape of life saving limitations and boundaries is so much less. Just as the need to instill 'proper fear in a girl child' is less. And so on, and so on.

The trickle down theory of oppression works so well - maybe that's why various government entities and politicians thought it would work with money and prosperity.

Additional Thought: Hmm, I forgot the part where instilling the rules can be as much about survival as indoctrination in the status quo. What makes it different? Fear vs Anger/ A Need to Dominate? Whether or not there's a hug at the end, and a caretaker applying ointment? Whether or not there's an apology? Whether or not you ever grow up to understand it really MIGHT be true that it hurt them more than it hurt you (the child)? [Though I'm not sure I believe that, maybe equal hurt]

How do you determine what lesson is being taught? The things that are said during the spanking? If it's spanking (as previously defined in this piece) or a beating? If the point is to warn or to crush? Why do people think this is not complicated?

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Date: 11:13AM | Sat, February 12th | 2011
Subject: Random Attempts At A Thought
Security: Public
Mood:contemplative contemplative
Tags:#social justice issues, thinky thoughts

Does anyone ever stop and consider the lines of connection between villains and horrors in media/modern storytelling? How they relate to the fears of the specific cultures, to humanity and how those fears are still heavily weighted towards heightened othering vs unfathomable creatures in the dark of shadow or space? It just hit me, the whole possible Mortal Kombat movie, with the trailer - how someone with a medical condition becomes this scary flesh eating creature. It just kind of hit me, how much is said about a society or perhaps human society as whole and their attitudes towards what does not fit. How it is heavily bent towards the knowledge that those society ostracizes have every reason to be resentful, that the oppression is real, the lack of care real, the leaving them to flounder real.

But somehow guilt, perhaps, makes it so that via horror, it cannot be that individuals want the chance to live their lives - it must be that resentment and anger festers and bam....As if those who aren't oppressed just MUST be the center of the world for those who are and all things must filter through not being like them, wanting to be like them, hating that one cannot be like them, needing to crush them.

Privilege coming with a strong belief in a spotlight.

Hmm, I guess perhaps others have had this thought before, remarking on the narcissism of privilege and even how that plays into an inability to empathise. But I just got struck really hard with how it plays out in horror/supernatural/things to be afraid of stuff. Not just 'I am the center of the world / My culture, my type, my family, my heritage is the center of the world therefore all must be jealous and plotting against me' But 'It must be so pitiful to not be me. Imagine the horror, the disgusting, useless, unattractive, painful horror of it all'

Huh. But where did that come from? It didn't start with chattel slavery. Is it a factor of scarcity socio-economic political philosophy? Whomever has more must be better than the pitiful who have, or seem to have less? Even including whomever is designated AS having less, because what they have is not exactly the same as what those who believe they have all that matters may own?

Are scarcity models working against the world even now? So that the reaction to we need to share more and better and change models because the earth is not infinite and infinitely self healing, becomes 'must have and keep mine in order to survive when there is none'? And nothing said about how changed models of sharing and going slower could increase prosperity for all, because of the strong belief that the prosperity is already held by one group, and cannot be -

Ah! The scarcity model is that prosperity cannot be produced at all, simply shifted around? It is not infinite. There is no way to generate it among many for many?

Hmm. "I have mine, anything that subtracts from mine, even if it generates broader prosperity for all in the long run, is stealing mine!" - Which I suppose would include taxes on the currently prosperous.

Hmm, there's more to it. There's some click I'm missing between scarcity philosophies and monsters and dehumanization.


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Date: 12:27AM | Tue, February 8th | 2011
Subject: Being Grown Up?
Security: Public
Tags:question everything, thinky thoughts

Is this what age/experience/wisdom is? I'm watching an anime, the characters go to use the oven for the first time. It doesn't work. They peer in to see if anything is wrong, one of them then smacks the oven on the top. The oven starts working, and then proceeds to explode. The landlord shows up. I sit there thinking the landlord rented them the place with broken and dangerous equipment and fixing, repairing and/or replacing the oven is the landlord's responsibility. The kids in the anime, are frightened they have damaged things and will be kicked out.

I am all "What stove/oven can't take a good whack?" There are heavy pots and pans, people sometimes drop things, closing the oven door is sometimes a good whack in itself.

Ok, I feel a little better now. The anime landlord (landlady, actually) is making them clean up the mess in the apt, but has admitted she failed to maintain the oven/equipment.

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Date: 08:25PM | Wed, January 19th | 2011
Subject: Distracting myself from what's in my head (Being Human tv thoughts)
Security: Public
Tags:meta, question everything, thinky thoughts, tv (not in the mood to put it into a link) - I was at the blog for reasons unrelated to Being Human and on reading that individual's initial thoughts (haven't finished yet) I find myself thinking of The Show In Your Head.

OP states: "an hour to establish the motivations of its characters, and defines them in terms of what they are avoiding, not what they seek".

And that is so the opposite of what I saw. So much so, it is the opposite of the reason I want to see next week's episode,and hope that I continue to like what I see.

OP states: "the emo-pire doesn’t want to feed off live humans. The emo-wolf doesn’t want his relatives to know that he’s a werewolf. The emo-ghost doesn’t want to leave her ludicrously underpriced two-story apartment."

And I read that and went; Aidan is struggling for independence and if he can have self-control/personal autonomy, pleasure/community AND independence. To me it is so much more than 'not feeding on humans'. Maybe I'm basing it all on the actor and what his work brought across the screen to me; shame, guilt, longing, yearning, loneliness...

Josh, to me, is struggling with redifining his life, and doing so in a way that is more than mere survival. I see so many parallels in this; how people redefine themselves and search after any major trauma (rape, injury, becoming seriously ill). And it is difficult for me not to think that is the point, when his storyline seems to involve his sister who is also trying to define her life as a gay woman.

And Sally... so far she seems to be about figuring out how to grieve and redefine herself after a (romantic) loss. How to move on in singular after coming to think of oneself as part of a duo.

All three are dealing with loss of self, and trying to start over.

I admit that my thoughts on what I saw in the British version seemed very much about 'Angsty reluctant vampire/vampire leader, directionless werewolf, and helper girl ghost'. The show in my head via the British version, sucked. The canadian version doesn't. And it is fascinating to me about what I found appealing, what I 'watched' vs what this other individual watched.

Even his thoughts on Adian's sire, have me going 'What?' and boggling. Because I thought that was a masterful bit of passive-aggression manipulation, all psedo acceptance and forgiveness with the hook of being in the fold, being in the family equals giving up control, becoming addicted to being an extension of someone else's power. Familial dysfunction at its MOST.

Is this what is meant by 'high concepts that go over the majority's heads' ? Is this about what a particular individual brings to the art (how they interpret); Like the reader whose personal situation with her paternal unit coloured her perspective on Harry Dresden #12 and character responses therein? Is it about what the actors brought to the roles?

And also related/triggered by this all - Is this what is meant by a writer/artist having to create for themselves and their satisfaction, because there is no guarantee that it will translate to others? So focus on your vision/message/etc... or get lost trying forever to please myriad people who want what THEY want, from one piece of artwork?

ETA: **pokes Kita**


ETA / Post Kita:  )

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Date: 03:17AM | Tue, January 18th | 2011
Subject: Random Before Bed
Security: Public
Tags:thinky thoughts

[And yeah, my farmer's hours has cycled to night owl, and nwo I wait for it to cycle back again]

Have you ever noticed how, when you were younger, toothpaste was all about combating cavities and gingivitis? And then it was mostly gingivitis/gum disease and bad breath? And now you rarely see mention of cavities, but there's all this BACTERIA and it's best to get something to fight it all day. 24 hr/ 12hr/ 'round the clock? And also, teeth need to be WHITE, omg?

It's sort of like how deodorant and anti-perspirent did their jobs so well, that now there's extra strength, and prescription strength over the counter alongside 'Women Attracting Secret Musks' ?

Sometimes I wonder, if the toothpaste companies had to move to 'not just smokers, everyone's teeth must be WHITE WHITER' because toothbrushes got so much better and complicated. It's sort of like how I wonder at how the world supposedly has ultra hard to get out stains now - so things need to be concentrated and ultra concentrated, to the pont that there's a market for uber gentle and scentless because of all the allergies the ultra concenrated created. Because no one's washing clothes by hand anymore, really - in the places with all these commercials I mean. And yet stains are still miraculously stubborn.

Do clothing manufacturers get upset that people arn't encouraged to throw out old clothes and buy new? Or is that what fashion is supposed to take care of, and ever decreasing sizes?

But mostly, I wonder about toothpaste, and wrinkle free, most be soft as a baby's butt anything else is just horrid, skin. And drugs. I wonder about the drugs a lot. Drug for sleeping, waking up, staying up (in nice liquid over the counter form), headaches, backpain, period pain, muscle pain, muscle ache, fibromyalgia, depression, joint pain, erectile dysfunction, stomach pain, bloating, gas, mood swings, pms, cholesterol [because diet and exercise can't do it alone], possible heart problems, constipation, diarrhoeas, and all sorts of things for sniffles, colds, coughs, sore throats and fevers, [cause who has 'time' to be sick], herpes cold sores....

It hits me sometimes, y'know.

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Date: 02:10PM | Wed, January 5th | 2011
Subject: Post: From This Morning
Security: Public
Tags:#disability issues: mental health, things that suck, thinky thoughts

Hmnm, apparently I can be very house aware when avoiding making phone calls to potentially rude or non understanding people. Especially since lately I've been having trouble with phones. I'm not sure if I just need a better phone than the cheap one I've got (landline phone) or if there's something actually wrong with my hearing or if I'm simply having lots more difficulty than I used to in parsing dialects and accents or what. I keep asking people to repeat themselves (to me it sounds as if they're all singing American pop songs).

So far for the year, I've bumped my leg, trying to deal with my bed (I still need a new one) so I've this odd lump just above my ankle, low on my shin, and well, it hurts to poke at it. And I keep poking it because it looks so darn odd, like a tiny squished egg under the skin. I've also a loud of laundry out, dirty clothes sorted to be put in the machine, am on my second dishwasher load and am contemplating sweeping the kitchen floor at some point. At this rate of avoidance (after Mon's very inspirational 2 hrs and change of many many phone calls), the kitchen (and perhaps even the darn apt) will be sparkling, clorox spotless before the end of the month. Yesterday was litter changing, trash and recycle taking out-ing, some light vaccuming, dishwasher loading and I'm sure I'm forgetting someting.

I'm not holding my breath though.

And more... )

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Date: 05:29AM | Wed, December 22nd | 2010
Subject: More BLEACH /Anime - Messages,. Ethics & More Thoughts...
Security: Public
Mood:contemplative contemplative
Tags:show: bleach, thinky thoughts

Watching BLEACH these last few days, I'm left pondering what messages American animation tries to impart. I'm currently staring at 'What good is power. How corruption comes. Power is a responsibility. What honor is and why it matters.' And more, for that matter. When I think of US comics, not counting Avatar: The Last Airbender, I get a lot of 'heroism', just blanket heroism, whether reluctant or not, it's a bit of celebrity with a bit of 'badass'. Kind of empty calories on the learning, confirming of self and culture front.

*shrugs* Maybe I'm putting more thought than is needed or warranted into Shonen fare, but these repeated messages about power, honor, duty, responsibility and holding on to self/not becoming corrupted and losing one's way - I see them, notice them. They're making an impression. They probably made an impression when I was a child and was only focused on the story. And a few years back when again, I was primarily feeding myself on story and environments and cultures that weren't American or Western Europe.

Still, I'm suddenly not so confused about why Celebrity has become a 'thing' in US culture. Why Tales of Celebrity equal Tales of Heroes ala Hercules and Paul Bunyan for that matter. Though all without the moral and ethical and philosophical lessons that were applied to those tales of old.

Anyway, here I am pondering power - which I was pondering anyway for writing purposes. But now in terms of BLEACH, I'm pondering all these individuals so proud to have been 'given' power, never mind the source. And I find myself feeling like an old family biddy, going 'But power unearned is power spoiled'. Damn, but those elders made so much sense, or at least the sense gets clearer once you slow down. I thought I understood in the past, but that was just the mechanics and theory. I understand, now what it means to have been given things, unearned, been granted. It's not just not having fought and sweat for a thing and appreciating it, so you don't take it for granted, it's about the strings that come with things granted; what can be granted can be taken away. So people twist themselves so that won't happen. Something earned? Well, it could be taken away, but once you know you can earn a thing, no one can take away your ability to earn it again and again; earn the money to buy it again, earn the trust again, earn the skills again. It's yours in a truer sense than the mere physical.

Hmm, now I wonder which came first - the concept of animation being for kids so all messages should be simplified or all messages in animation being simplified (about as simple as most messages in general media) but the bright colours making it all seem as if it SHOULD be only for kids. No doubt realistically, and pointing to intersections it likely has to do with animation being used to shill merchandise, and said merchandise usually being kids toys and thus animation becoming cemented with appeals to the younger set - and who would put morals into 20 -90 minutes of commercial?

Huh, and in there somewhere is likely the same 4 color assumptions about comics, intersecting with the current PTB execs inability to tell any stories with any deeper meaning, despite all their talk. They've forsaken meaningful tale telling for more of that empty Celebrity + Hero stuff, with large sprinklings of 'Grim' to mean grown up.


Semi Offtopic: I still wish people in BLEACH would shut up about what their powers/swords can do - cause they always start talking and then their opponent figures stuff out. SHUT UP already. Stop hinting and giving details etc.

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Date: 01:08AM | Mon, December 20th | 2010
Subject: Semi Random Thought - Xmas Time = Conflicted America
Security: Public
Mood:contemplative contemplative
Tags:thinky thoughts, tis the season

I'm not sure what the word is, since I'm deliberately not going to casually use medical descriptions of mental illness or disorders, but there's something definitely problematic to me of a culture that 90% of the year is all about the strong surviving, the powerful thriving and then for one month of the year, decides to promote 'it's lonely at the top without kindness, family and sense of community'.

How does that work? How does it work that Xmas time is all about reminding people what's the most important, and the culture, the rest of the time, is all about 'too slow, so sad, too bad'. It's probably not just a Xmas time dichotomy, but for me right now it seems the most obvious with all the 'It's a wonderful life / Scrooge' tributes. It's difficult for me not to think there's something... malicious in promoting among the working and middle class that family, love, community, good will among humankind is what matters, with the occasional nod to a rich character. But the rest of the time, people who value that are laughed at, called lazy, unambitious, under-achieving etc... When the rest of the time, those at the top, don't give a damn at all and run away laughing with all the money, unconcerned with the lives they're hindering as long as they get theirs. They don't care about their souls the rest of the year, and they don't care about their souls by the time the new year rolls around - Old Year's Night / New Year's Day(eve) being all about expensive sumptuous parties and welcoming in the new year with panache and glitter.

And all of this doesn't even get into the twisted, painful, perverse 'It's those ethnics who hold on to family' message that gets put across as well; Greek and Italian, Nigerian, Ethiopian, African Descended American, all sorts of emphasis on Latino family mindedness - as if whiteness = power - community concerns.

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Date: 10:26PM | Sun, November 21st | 2010
Subject: Random Thought
Security: Public
Tags:question everything, random, thinky thoughts

In a society where a woman's worth and usefulness and security was measured by her father and her husband, and where she was usually given no avenue for success and accomplishment on her own - why then, if not a disreguard and dislike of women, begrudge women utilizing what tools they did have, for the one goal they were allowed to have; namely landing a good husband.

There's all this "women will trap men in marriage, trick them, manipulate them, hide their true selves" etc... But if that's the only goal women (white women) are allowed to have, the only skills they're supposed to have, why the dislike at them doing exactly what they've been told they can/are allowed/are expected to do?

That's a lot of damned if you don't (poor spinster), damned if you do (coniving woman).

And that's not even getting into all the aspects of women marrying for security, not love or sex and men then being unhappy to be married to women who 'put up' with them sexually and are mostly plantonically amiable if willing to bear children (for her further security).

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Date: 11:32PM | Mon, November 15th | 2010
Subject: Impressions
Security: Public
Tags:thinky thoughts, this doesn't have a tag

I don't celebrate Christmas, personally. My holiday has been Dec 22nd for many many years and it's usually a perk to me if Solstice hits things just right. But I have noticed, or did back in October when I was all 'Christmas Commercials, NOW? Really?' - That some tv, some images etc can invoke a sense to me of Christmas. Or rather the Christmas season.

There's something about jazz music and just the right temperature of cold; chestnuts and sweet coated peanuts and the smell of chrome and steel and concrete sidewalk, chilled glass and underpipe steam and or subway air, with ringing brass bells and the faintest ever hint of evergreen needles and something apple or cinnamon that says 'Christmas Time In Manhattan'.

Then there's 70's holiday songs, Johnny Matthis and Nat King Cole and bustling bodies on the street with paper and plastic bags, shiny gold tinsel garlands and animatronic santas gyrating at the hip, and then the scent of pizza in the air that blasts 'Christmas Time In Brooklyn' to me.

Lastly comes the quatro strings of parang, the smells of sorrel (spicey red scent, cinnamon and herbs), ginger beer, and ham on warm winds, lightly misted with rain, Snow on the Mountain and Poinsettia, coloured spotlights and carols, and church pew polish that's 'Christmas in the Caribbean'.

I have small traditions I do, because they remind me of family at that time of year and help me feel connected, but I lost any sense of Wonder about that time of year a while ago. Can Nostalgia count for the Wonder that used to be?

Though maybe Nostalgia's better. These days when I think of the holiday season, I wince and tense up and groan and roll my eyes at immediate images of overstocked decorations on shelves in November and never ending diamond commercials, and the sudden influx of toy commercials for stuff that didn't exist three months ago or at least certainly no child seriously wanted. I think of taxi cabs and shouty voices, car exhaust and impatience. It's as if as I got older, I couldn't find anything good to imprint on. It's all plastic and recycled mall or airport air and prerecorded "It's not too late to pick up the perfect gift this holiday season...."

When exactly did things change to being TOLD what the season should mean to a person; what should be significant and what shouldn't be. Cause I don't think I'm imagining this shift that had, perhaps has, me refusing to connect what I see around me this time of year to any of my memories.

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Date: 01:20PM | Thu, September 23rd | 2010
Subject: Thought
Security: Public
Mood:thoughtful thoughtful
Tags:music, pop culture, thinky thoughts

Is DJ Surge the only artist who treats remixing as symphony composition with the original songs as phrases to be utilized? Because I really don't like other remixes at all, I'm finding and I almost always enjoy his. It feels like a new composition with elements either from songs I like, or sometimes even from songs I don't like, somehow re-utilized and made better.

PS: I am actually on Surge's MYSPACE ( )page. I like the music enough. (Youtube here:


OOooh: (Pink vs Disturbed vs Missy Elliot vs Kanye). I'm not up on the 'vs' cause usually that doesn't mean anything good. But I really like this new piece composition made from the original art. Huh, I guess I've been a fan of fan mixing/ fanfic in music for a while now. I like the creation of something new from something else; musical collage, creating a new message, underlining a theme.

Also someone needs to point out the Kanye portion? Is it only visual? Cause I don't listen to him enough to recognize his voice in this.

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Date: 05:13AM | Thu, September 9th | 2010
Subject: Early Morning Random Thoughts
Security: Public
Mood:upset upset
Tags:thinky thoughts

Have I ever mentioned how much I abhor the 'Final Destination' film franchise? And abhor is more than me disliking horror and gore. I'm talking about my total loathing for the very PREMISE of the film. (I have no idea why it springs to mind right now, but hey, getting things out of my head).

The premise of the franchise is that an individual receives a vision and warning about an accident to come, and then manages to escape that accident and thus their death and the deaths of people around them. BUT THEN, the 'plot' is that the horrible death they avoided then proceeds to haunt them, every one who escaped, in order to 'Get Them'. And ...

This is where I start off going Ignoramuses and just keep going.

Cause first off? An accident would not be 'Death' in the same sense to be warned against, Not Thanatos but Moros - Doom! And if one receives a message saving one from Doom, Doom isn't going to go haunting your ass trying to claim you. Unless Doom has a personal grudge. A moment of vision, is being 'touched by the gods', which makes one special and favoured and protected and just GAhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

And even if it really WAS one's moment to die for the balance of the universe, the premise for a HORRIBLE GOREY death is just so flimsy. And perhaps this is why I shall never be a fan of gore, because apparently gore isn't story telling, it's just... y'know, a sequence of yuck.

And I think the other thing that disturbs me is how as a franchise whatever tenous claim it had to being horror - being about things that stalk and disturb, that startle tension at the back of the neck and eerie wrongness, is pushed aside for more and more spectacle. It's this obvious product of the desensitization of the world, particularly American (horror liking) culture. This need for bigger, splashier, grosser. Any rumination on what is fright, what scares the modern brain - pshhh, gone.

And I know the same thing happens in action movies with explosions. And I know it's seriously what's wrong with the Star Wars Universe (heaven bless it) all over done to an extreme, etc, where story-telling takes a back-seat to spectacle because spectacle is cool and OMGosh who wants to be the one who HASn't seen the spectacle!

And now I cut tag, because this switches from horror to porn and sexuality / or sexuality and the influence of porn.

... )

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Date: 08:17AM | Mon, September 6th | 2010
Subject: A Year Later; Star Trek
Security: Public
Tags:thinky thoughts, universe: new!trek

Red Letter Media has a Star Trek 2009 review up. And I have to say, I had NO idea that a particular set was the Engine Room. It so wasn't Star Trek, I found myself thinking - it was the water reclamation center of the ship and wondered why it was so old fashioned and told myself that it was because the sciences had been skewed towards military applications.

Tuns out btw, it was apparently a Budweiser brewery.

Anyway he points out a few reasons that while I enjoyed the movie, it didn't feel like Trek to me. Not the way that catching even five minutes of Voyager just smacks me in the face with a 'Whee! Trek'.

More stuff here )

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Date: 04:11AM | Sun, September 5th | 2010
Subject: The World Is Ow
Security: Public
Tags:consumer culture everywhere, thinky thoughts

The taking of medicine should not be a juggle and balance of side effects vs the disease or as seems most common these days, side effects vs the symptoms of the disease (since there's less healing and a whole lot of medicinal masking going on).

Health shouldn't be an either or like that. And I wish the American public in particular would stop thinking it was, and stop just accepting it. Especially because it's not just accepting symptom maskers and their side-effects with the occasional cure, it's thinking that it's take this asthma medication with side effect of death, or deal with bad asthma and NOT 'have access to cleaner air' or 'cleaner water' etc.

Just arrgh. The Dystopia is here people. Just because there are no flying cars and everyone and their mother isn't wearing spandex, doesn't mean it isn't happening. Science Fiction was right. Just look up, look around, wake up.

Another book to add to my OMG Dystopia of Feed, 1984 and Harrison Bergeron - Jennifer Government.

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Date: 10:09PM | Mon, August 30th | 2010
Subject: I Think I Have Become INCREDIBLY HARD (ASS)
Security: Public
Tags:#race issues: general, #social justice issues, thinky thoughts

I'm watching this documentary about the slaughter of dolphins - The Cove. How dolphin capture is a thriving industry for parks (amusement) and how those not pretty enough etc for display get slaughtered. And I watch these white people, in particular this one white woman cry about it. And I find myself thinking - they wouldn't cry like that over people - black people. But they'll always cry over animals.

I guess because animals are absolutely helpless and dependent and brown and black folk keep determining to help themselves, fend for themselves, be independent, speak for themselves, tell their own stories, protect themselves, inspire themselves.

You can project with an animal. You can think it graceful and beautiful and full of mystery and project you bond with it, that it is grateful, that there is some sort of mutual empathy going on. Some mystical connection beyond words (Cetaceans aren't discussing cultural appropriation with New Agers after all).

I arch a brow at statements like "Just because they seem to smile doesn't mean they're happy all the time." And then I look at the people who don't project that kind of compassion on other human beings and call them either too angry, or obviously unbothered. Because it's easier to project on a beast than a human being demanding you notice their humanity.

This... this irritates me. I'd like to be able to give a damn about the fate of the Earth's animals, without noticing how much attention ISN'T paid to racism, heterocentrism, sexism and cissim.

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Date: 04:58PM | Sun, August 22nd | 2010
Subject: DAO, Perspectives On Civilization & History
Security: Public
Tags:games: dao, thinky thoughts

About the triggery DAO thing - it's done )

And now other notes Game Lore Spoilery )

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Date: 09:59PM | Wed, August 18th | 2010
Subject: "What Dragon Age Origins Has Taught Me About Myself & Life"
Security: Public
Tags:games: dao, thinky thoughts

There is cut-tag... Blather in 3, 2, 1... )

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Date: 08:39AM | Wed, July 14th | 2010
Subject: 3 Things Make a Post
Security: Public
Tags:thinky thoughts

1. Are folks aware I do my reviews over at [info]100_willow?

2. I am very tired. Invitations, suggestions and explanations to bring my own oomph, create my own space, create my own fandom - I don't think I'm taking them in the spirit in which they're intended because I'm so damn tired. I'm tired of bringing and creating. That's not my thing. If it was my thing, then yes, happy fun relaxy times would be creating infrastructure. But it's not my thing. And I already do infrastructure in other places, and am trying to keep my energy to maintain or pick up things I've dropped. There's no more energy to put into something new.

3. When I say I feel excluded, it's not that I want people to go 'Oh no, of course not' or people to go 'You're excluding yourself!'. I'm saying I feel excluded. I'm feeling there's one more way in which I'm different, not the norm, not the audience, not the group; different and other. And I'm tired of seeing myself corralled into another box of NOT THE SAME. It's about the weight of the difference. The weight of awareness so as not to be blindsided because my reactions will be different. This is not about being an individual where of course I'm different. This is about having thought I'd found a community, the way most people are happy to find a community for whatever their hobby/fannish delights from knitting to nascar - and then finding out I enjoy it differently, interpret it differently or need different things in which to partake of it, have to handle it differently and there's a bunch of people for whom enjoying the hobby is much simpler and requires much less thought (and or bracing).

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Date: 05:55PM | Mon, July 12th | 2010
Subject: *sighs*
Security: Public
Mood:hungry hungry
Tags:about me, processing, thinky thoughts

I'm reading an atla squee post. And then they bring up, shipping and invoke incest. And also there's this kind of leering thing going on with the characters. And I'm so crushing disappointed because -fuck- they had to bring sex into it. With bondage even. And I don't think I can finish reading this, because I adore these characters and I'm just so tired of reading objectification and getting that burning knot in my stomach, and squeeze in my chest and tears in my eyes that's me trying to force myself through my discomfort (and I say discomfort because I want to say trigger, but it feels so WTF so say trigger. Cause what am I triggered by?)

Or rather, why am I triggered so much by the (current? popular? huh?) fannish tendency to focus on lust and relationship pairing. I can tell that the tone of the (particular) post is/might be playful. And yet it's so.... Do. Not. Want. In my head there's pain and then comes fussing cause it feels like the focus isn't on deep ties of friendship and family and community, adventure and heroics; but on sex and physicality and erotica.

If I'm dealing with something, I wish it'd come to the forefront already and be PROCESSED. And if I'm not... I wish I could ... I don't know; find better words to express myself? Find media that explores outside of the apparent 'sexual 'feminist' revolution'. Or whatever the positive equivalent is for people who're likely to call me a hater who doesn't understand or is trying to stiffle creative sexual expression or whatever.

*sighs* I just want to find a place where no one's basting smut all over things I like and no one calls me a 'prude' for wanting that.

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Date: 02:08PM | Mon, May 31st | 2010
Subject: Random Thoughts
Security: Public, thinky thoughts

Dear White Women,

I get it. I get the rage and the frustration. I notice you don't get mine, or those of other women of colour, or queer women (for the very broadest definition of queer). But looking at tv and ads I get it. You're being propped up and set up as accessories to masculinity, as simple-minded instinct driven creatures who're easily distracted by scent (even mouthwash) and shiny objects; who need to be petted and coaxed and tamed and kept, the more beautiful you are the better for your owner (whichever man it is in your life).

I get that who you are is determined by who 'owns' you with fathers wanting innocence and intelligence and smiles and boyfriends/husbands wanting private sexuality with showcase sensuality and all of them want you to turn yourself on and off and stay out of their way.

I get it.

I get why you feel the need to stomp on anyone and everyone to get away from that cage.

I just think it's selfish as fuck.

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Date: 11:34PM | Sat, May 22nd | 2010
Subject: Is there anyone else...?
Security: Public
Mood:sleepy sleepy
Tags:thinky thoughts

Why finds that mystery shows these days seem to overlap/merge with horror and gore? I am not exclusing the possibility that I've just become more sensitized to certain things. I can remember when CSI following the path of a bullet through a body was intriguing and novel. These days it just seems to be gore and not at all educational or informational or intriguing. I look at Bones and see mangled corpses and horror gore. I look at Criminal Minds and see serious voyeurism towards violence against women.

Do I need to be looking at cozies? Is this a case of me becoming disenchanted with forensics? Or overtired?

I know I had a yen for mystery without murder - which lead me to HOUSE - which lead me to OH HELLS NO. House = Fail.

But I wonder, does anyone else see it as gore? Does anyone else find themselves wondering at how every week these shows have to come up with outrageously cruel and graphic ways to kill and horrify? It's not just murder, it's serial murders. It's sadistic torture. It's gruesome circumstances.

Has the climate of mystery changed? Do they feel they have to compete with all the urban fantasy with the fore and fluids and supernatural beings beating and eating each other?

Posts to come: Oh crap, why do my joints hurt like fever + best doctor's appointment ever (finally a post!)

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Date: 03:56AM | Thu, May 13th | 2010
Subject: Update-y
Security: Public
Tags:about me, about my mother, anxiety scale 7, doctor things, thinky thoughts

Bared my soul on my DW comm before heading to therapy - then bared my soul more there. All and all it was a productive day. Oh, by the way, am feeling MUCH better now, drinking out of a GLASS JAR.

The baring my soul bit is going to get expanded on more in therapy. Because I think I need some professional tools to get past the rage and other knotted emotions when it comes to my writing. I'm admitting I cannot heal with purely my own fortitude - especially since it's not a situation where I can totally isolate myself from constant reminders of what makes me so upset in the first place.

Tomorrow is the doctor's visit. Whatever happens, I need to treat the hell out of myself SOMEHOW. Balancing health anxiety ontop of other factors; plus those other factors themselves - heck I still have to find the mental energy to switch banks. And today I revealed that high anxiety equals mental confusion; well maybe not so much 'revealed' as the events this past weekend have given me concrete proof (that I can now put in my journal / lj archive and find to remind myself). Funny how total mental confusion only feels like being mildly dazed, until you realize all the things you're not paying attention to.

I cannot wait to have this doctor stuff sorted out, so I can tell my mother to back the hell off - because her well meant intrusiveness is wearing me the hell out. And I just keep reminding myself that I know how to cut her off, I've done it before and contrary to everything she's said, I can do it again - it's not a factor of the meds I was on or the doctor I was seeing that had me putting up a huge buffer zone for my own sanity. And I have to admit, when I'm worried about my health - wanting my mother around for various forms of comfort and assurance is like jonesing for something (my only personal experience however being self-harm). Though it's about being 'addicted' to abusive/intrusive behavior' - it's about what I'll put up with in order to feel comforted. I know my mother - how she disappoints and how she comes through. Trusting other people without all those years of history is -- difficult is an extreme understatement.

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Date: 12:16AM | Thu, May 6th | 2010
Subject: Pondering Personalities
Security: Public
Tags:i looked at the comments, thinky thoughts

Huh, people find [info]box_in_the_box to be creepy. I tend to avoid his sharing of porn and roll my eyes at many of his kinks and interests and sigh or sometimes admire his essays on military service and what government should do FOR the people.

But I've never felt creeped.

I do recall something he said made me feel uncomfortable - though I can't remember what it was about; race, politics, social justice issues, gender (can't remember, our talks have been diverse) I do remember I emailed him and we went back and forth and had a conversation about it.

Anyway, I find myself in the odd position of wondering if the recent thing he's being called creepy for - having not read or seen the link, but gathering from comment context it's about cunnilingus and menstrual blood (and he did actually post on his journal he'd made such comments - I just said 'Oh Kbox' in my head and scrolled on). Anyway, I wonder if it's the menstrual blood in particular that has female journalers freaked out.

Or maybe I just have a ... filter? A somethihng. Wherein I know that there's no pause and consider between Kbox's mind and his finger-tips on the subject of sex. He holds very little back and freedom of consciousness his thoughts with some serious (severe?) honesty.

I know everyone's different and everyone has difference acceptance and tolerance levels for everything from noise to smoke to particular individuals and certain types of humor (like body fluids humour? Just GTFO. Ugh). But creepy seems to have connotations for me. And I end up wondering what are these people seeing/noticing that I'm not. What alarm bells are ringing for them that are NOT ringing for me? What am I missing? Is there some boundary that I just no longer have? Are they more sheltered and protected or have I just been exposed to so much that some things seem mild to me, that might not necessarily be?

Or am I just my parents' daughter, who both believe that you should always know a lawyer, a doctor, a beggar man and a thief.

PS: I don't think I'm being 'defensive on behalf of someone I know' here. But if it is coming across as such (intentions mean nothing) then I apologise to those who read this and feel hurt or attacked for how they feel. I do not mean to question how you feel. I'm just wondering why I don't feel the same way and this journal space is about me figuring out my mental health, my boundaries, etc.

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Date: 10:09PM | Wed, May 5th | 2010
Subject: THE HIERARCHY OF RIGHT TO EXIST (and other random thoughts)
Security: Public
Tags:#social justice issues, thinky thoughts

Inspired by British Compassionate Conservatives; Not So Compassionate, via [info]unusualmusic.

This is NOTHING that I haven't seen discussed at FWD. But I wanted to to build a bit on a comment I left elsewhere (on DW)

My original comment:

The US Conservatives do that too (maybe all do?). The rebranding of 'From Welfare to Volunteer'. Apparently it's NOT ok to empower people to have means to measures of independence. It IS OK to make them perpetually dependent upon the kindness and moods of someone else; from getting bathed to having a safety net. And if no one volunteers, then they're not good fringe society - they're bad cripples - no one loves them enough to care for them, therefore it's not society's fault.

The Good Cripple vs Bad Cripple Dynamic rears its head.

A good cripple/ disadvantaged individual/ill person/ someone in need of a safety net/ and the elderly - should ALL exist on the sufferance of others. In fact, if you think about it, the young; as in children, are also placed in the same grouping (though less overtly - but the concept of children having rights and needing to exist as empowered individuals - how often is that looked like? Their vulnerabilities and exposure to exploitain aren't ever a factor unless someone has a soap box about how society should be and who should be ostracized, vilified and/or excluded).

A good 'undesirable' should be a shut-in, not asking society to act as if 'society' really means everyone, with access for everyone, respect for everyone, independence for everyone. A good undesirable exists to be pitied and via that pity is given/gifted, food, clothing, a place to stay and someone willing to do for them; assistance.

Only a bad 'undesirable' would ask for the means for self-independence.

The woman who's a single mother and needs financial or housing or childcare assistance? Well she's not a good 'undesierable', she's being bold against the status quo. She's throwing off the helping hands of various males who might protect and support her - never mind that she might have good reason to be wary of males who WANT to get close to a single mother with a child.

The 'cripple' or 'ill'/'physically disadvtanged' (is that even the best term?) who wants a non family member to help them - who wants an employee who gets rated on performance and does the job or doesn't get paid - they're not being properly grateful for being allowed to be part of society and not exposed on a hillside at birth. They're demanding equality and demanding that equality come at the cost of those who aren't them.

The good person of colour/minority in caucasian ethnocentric environments is upstaging the status quo and bringing up issues of institutional racism and/or bigotry that has tendrils of 14ft roots into their community and life, holding them back.

Apparently according to those who are currently able bodied, mentally healthy, het, cis, and any other marking of predominant status, if you're not exactly like them - well, you should be grateful they're not the kind of society that kills you - and since their initial KINDNESS let you live, you should continue to count on that kindness to ... let you continue to live. Ingratiate yourself, don't make waves, let them take care of you, because it helps them feel good about the decision to let you live; "You're so kind, so strong, so tortured but insightful, cook so well, look after the children so sweetly, always have a smile on, remind us of the simple gifts of life, etc...."

OF COURSE; that's just the philosophy behind it. The socially accepted fantansy, strike the right tone ALL YOUR LIFE LONG if you're an undesirable and you will be taken care of.

The reality is that without a public, social, safety-net, you disappear. You die. Bodies do end up exposed ;maybe not on a hillside, but starving to death in tiny apts; or on beds in crappy nursing homes; etc... No one wants to teach 'undesireable children'. No one wants to help someone bathe, no one wants to 'the undesireables breeding'. They mouth the right words, say the right terms; but even fresh air shouldn't be free to someone who owes a debt; a life debt, because they were allowed to exist in the first place.

And then there are those of us who're deemed to NOT HAVE THAT RIGHT TO EXIST. Those who are escapees from a 'liberal agenda' - who should have been strangled at birth with their own cords, or exposed on a hillside, or killed the moment they showed deviantungrateful behavior; don't walk around like you're gay - we don't want to see it, so no drag queens, no genderqueers, no androgynous individuals, definitely no one trans. Don't roll around on a wheelchair expecting to get into stores or ride down the street. Don't disgust people by drooling, or looking different or....

I just....

When I think about THE HIERARCHY OF RIGHT TO EXIST - the horrors make sense. Lesbians can live because if you impregnante them they can still breed non queers and maybe a good deep... will change them. But why have gay men? Why have women who can't bear children (and when you think historically about the knife's edge of barrenness for many women in t he past...)

I can't even finish my thoughts. I'm too upset by it. "We allowed you to exist, so do so quietly until you can curl up in some unused corner and die - and not even bother us with your corpse"

The Untouchable Life. One where unpleasant things never touch them. And we've all seen the fight to denial to keep that untouchable life.


White Guilt - More of that desre for the Untouchabe Life; no discomfort, no harsh truths.

More ugh.

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Date: 09:43AM | Thu, April 29th | 2010
Subject: Quick Thoughts: Used To Be Queen Of The Moon
Security: Public
Tags:girly parts, health: physical, thinky thoughts

So, [info]rydra_wong was waxing enthusiastically about menstrual cups and it got me to thinking about my past and how I tried to relate to that time of month in the most crunchy, granola, hippie, goddess loving way possible. It was my way to try and find something positive and uplifting in serious pain. It was also my way of trying to celebrate fertility and potential motherhood. I was firmly, at that time, in the mindset of becoming a better mother than my mother had been to me.

Cut because it occurs to me belatedly, that discussions on girl biological processes might be triggering )

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By Any Other Name
of Willow
January 2016