By Any Other Name
the tale of Willow

Date: 05:29PM | Tue, May 12th | 2009
Subject: New Experiences Are New
Security: Public
Tags:cat adventures, keeping house, spoon theory, willow's warren

I have a professionally cleaned apt. It smells slightly of chemicals. They moved and rearranged all my stuff. Their thoroughness is kind of disturbing that way.

It's odd to have things where they decided things should go and I'm using up energy putting things back in the best places for me (whether or not it makes sense to anyone else)

The cat is beyond terrified, having hidden in the bathroom which ended up being the room they went to clean first. I finally caught her and moved her to my bedroom, so she didn't die of cleaning fumes - and she promptly tugged open my closet door and is now hiding somewhere I can't reach her, as I've not the energy to move the clothing bins out of the way.

When she finally exits, I'm never letting her into my bedroom again. Ever.

And fuck, they even wiped down my desk with chemicals. My wrists are now getting itchy. I'm gonna have to buy cleaning products specifically for these folk to use if them coming in and cleaning is part of my continuing to stay here.

I admit to being grumpy. An immigrant group cleaning a home; that group used to consist of members of my family and now it's my home being cleaned. Which is unrelated to chemical sensitivity and skin itchies, but related to feeling weird and odd and going 'omg they moved all my stuff!'

--3 hour interlude--

Landlady came with the new litter box and new litter. I'm a little, tense/upset/something over the issue of the litter. Mostly because I'd like to keep using the one I had been which doesn't have sodium bentonite (which I've avoided for most of Tally's life) and this new litter which is supposedly great on scent, does likely use it (all it says is natural clay). But the scent of things has been affecting upstairs badly, so it's really not about me, it's about my landlady feeling comfortable in her home.

But, yeah, short of Tally absolutely refusing the new litter (which she won't if it's soft enough, that's her priority) there's nothing doing but to deal.

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Date: 06:00PM | Mon, May 11th | 2009
Subject: Am Alive
Security: Public
Tags:about me, cat adventures, willow's warren

Things seem to have gone well, aside from the shampoo guy being meant to come back to vacuum a second time. He didn't. And my cell phone says I didn't miss any messages (though considering I had it right by my bed, I wasn't expecting to have missed the call).

I talked to my landlady and exposed some of my crazy/hair trigger 'my home' stuff.

The cat is acting as if while she was in the bathroom (more space/far more comforting than being crated), someone moved her to a new apt, since obviously the place no longer smells like either of us.

She keeps wandering around looking all pathetic, sniffing things and mewing like some lost, lost, creature.

Mandatory to my lease renewal; Tally's getting a new litter box. One that can contain charcoal activation pads. Apparently I've totally lost my sense of smell.

In other news, I want a pretty layout (in DW). Actually I want Refried (in some manner) that I can purdiafy for myself. iJay could possibly use some purdiafying as well.

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Date: 12:07PM | Sat, May 9th | 2009
Subject: So....(etc..etc..etc..)
Security: Public
Tags:about me, fibromyalgia, life is too much, willow's warren

I could be going out today to see th new Star Trek. Instead I will be staying home. I've been out twice this week already and I still have to find a way to organize my space. (The bookcase? Still kicking ass. The holes for the screws aren't all aligned properly, which has been the problem. Now to figure out how to compensate for that and if I'll even have a bookcase/shelving to put certain things on so they're neatly out of the way.

Then there's the whole matter of sleep. I want more of it. I didn't sleep - I don't think - from Thursday to Friday, because of emotional upset. And my body is all 'Oh, the pretty pretty dreamland'.

Maybe I'll be able to catch a movie as a treat on Thursday when this entire 'trial of Spring' is over, inspections, conversations with landlady, etc. Or maybe the week after, since I'm liable to be mentally and physically exhausted from what's to come.

Yeah, I'm sounding so calm discussing this. But landlady hasn't returned my email so there's no 'immediate answer' Re: should I start looking for another place to live right now. (The thought of this rushed unpacking leading to a possible need to re-pack - no. words.)

Meanwhile - Ow. There was no rain yesterday, and yet I can feel rain (notices say rain today and 81 degrees). If there's no rain today either though - owx3.

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Date: 12:36AM | Wed, May 6th | 2009
Subject: Late Thoughts
Security: Public
Tags:neurotypical!not!, pain scale 6, willow's warren

I undid a single screw and unpacked a single box. And am curled up in pain now, because I don't want to use more patches until I see my doctor and am sure things are ok. Also, I think they may have given me a rash, I'm not sure. I was wary of the methylparaben because it's an ingredient in shampoo and other stuff and I tend to be allergic to most mainstream cosmetic/hygiene products. I'll stare at my chest in more detail tomorrow. For now I'm not taking this thing off my chest, cause given how my other joints feel - I think doing so would cause me to plow my head into a wall.

Stupid Rain System.

Still brain blank about the apt and carpet cleaning and going somewhere else. Need to deal with stuff in therapy and see if I can even think clearly about it all.

Need to find some small things I can do (maybe more boxes?) so I feel like I've done more today, pain or no pain. No one's giving me any breaks for having too much pain to unpack and I can't afford a)another fine or b) to alienate my landlady.

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Date: 05:31PM | Tue, May 5th | 2009
Subject: Ouch
Security: Public
Tags:about me, anxiety scale 7, neurotypical!not!, rocking is bad, willow's warren

Slept most of the day away, with a heating pad on. Then woke up to see there's an email from my landlady. She'd like to shampoo the carpet in my place before the inspection on the 13th. She'd like me to leave the apt, for three days, so the carpet can be shampooed and dry.

The measure of how unsafe I feel right now cannot be measured. I'm near shaking and I want to cry. I'm so incredibly mentally exhausted, I haven't recovered from the last round of 'Judge Willow And Find Her Lacking'. I've been trying to pull myself together enough for the 13th. This would shorten the length of time...

Huh, now I can't even think.

After needing almost a year to feel safe in my apartment, it only took one inspector to make me feel incredibly disturbed and now things just seem to be piling on, with deadlines. I really want to curl up at home and not be disturbed and that's not an option.

Crap, I don't want to eat again.

And I can't decide between access only or public - and not posting isn't the point of writing out my thoughts.

And I totally forget I'd set up DW to xpost for me. And thus posted this twice and had to delete.

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Date: 07:45PM | Sat, January 24th | 2009
Subject: --
Security: Public
Tags:willow's warren

So, the landlady's electric heater flipped my breaker again and I woke up because it was getting colder and because she'd guests coming in through the front door. It's her bookclub and it's her turn to host and she's usually pretty good at keeping noise down and once everyone got settled (and i went upstairs to tell her the breaker had flipped twice) things are within acceptable noise limits.

Currently problem? Sleepy and hungry. Had a light snack but I'm far to tired to mess about in the kitchen - might just drink a glass of milk and go back to bed.

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Date: 04:42PM | Mon, December 1st | 2008
Subject: Home Sweet Hobbit Hole
Security: Public
Tags::) smiley face, book series: harry dresden, filter: writing, holiday visitations, willow's warren, writing: me

I'm currently home. The house smells of cinnamon. The cat mews pitifully and demands I go nowhere she cann't paw at me and demand 45seconds of laptime. As usual, she didn't eat as much as she usually would. I think she lost a pound. Living room looks alright - just natural kitty mischief overturns.

ETA: Have just had dinner. Wish I'd thought to bring something foodlike home with me. But the thought didn't enter my head. Had a good Thanksgiving all the same and got an early Christmas present - Harry Dresden compendium book 1-3. Read Storm Front last night (my stomach decided to threaten divorce proceedings and got my intestines carried away in the enthusiasm). I noticed that Harry doesn't use some things he'd used before. But at the same time the sense of Harry was right there. I could recognize the older, wiser man I'd just read this year, with the younger man starting out. I could go 'Oh yeah, I remember when he hadn't curbed that / realized that/ been affected quite like that / '

It also made me appreciate nods to the early books in the later books in terms of hints of Harry's past and emotional, physical, mental and magical scars he bears on his person.

I realize I read Harry Dresden more for Harry himself and his growth than for the magical fix he's gotten himself into in the new book. And my interest in Thomas is also about Thomas' growth; how he's coping. I think it's safe to say that I'm very, very, character driven. I liked 'Women of the Underworld' because of the growth in male characters I liked primarily, but also a few female characters.

*pokes the revelation to make it do something*

Nee Edit: Left my traveling toothbrushes with [info] No idea what I'll take to my Dad's now. The whole point of traveling toothbrushes is so you don't actually forget your own someplace else.

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Date: 11:10PM | Wed, November 19th | 2008
Subject: Unpacking & More
Security: Public
Mood:confused / contemplative confused / contemplative
Tags:about me, errands: house stuff, willow's warren


I think I've realized that people, in general, perhaps do not organize and unpack all at the same time. They unpack and get things put away in general areas and then, possibly, organize. Or at least that's a solution that in some measure would work best for me. Because organization is slow for me as I work out how I need things set up. And until I do, well, there's just boxes everywhere.

So I'm thinking about what my world would look like if I just put things away in general areas and used post-its to let me know where everything is. I think that's my big fear. That since out of sight can equal out of mind for me. That if I don't organize right away as I unpack, I'll forget things. And if I find that one place to put things is easiest for me, I'll totally forget that there are others in that group that I put somewhere else.

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Date: 01:43PM | Mon, November 17th | 2008
Subject: Damn it!
Security: Public
Tags:mail bag, willow's warren

UPS dropped off Verizon's 4th modem without even bothering to ring my doorbell. They left it upstairs (by the landlady)on the porch. Even though I tell them that it needs to come to me, the tenant and give them my name and direct address (which is identical to the landlady except for the apt #).

I was hoping to be able to hand off the modem that's supposed to go back. I just called to find out about Brigette's package but they're apparently not even showing that anything was dropped off by me at all for the damn day. And I don't have a shipping number.

*is grumpier now*

Especially since I wouldn't have seen the damn Verizon package at all if the landlady's roommate wasn't having her boyfriend's mail sent to the house and it's been ending up in my mailbox. Heck, I wouldn't even know it was her boyfriend if I hadn't shown it to the landlady last week. I'd just be scribbling 'NOT AT ADDRESS' on it. Triple damn. You'd think she'd at least have stuck a little note in my mailbox that this might be happening.

I don't dislike or hate my landlady's roommate. I just don't know her. My landlady, (and her gf) I realize now, make an effort to see me.

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Date: 04:31PM | Fri, November 14th | 2008
Subject: ...
Security: Public
Tags:willow's warren


Email from the landlady.

Read more... )

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Date: 06:04PM | Sun, August 17th | 2008
Subject: *hugs self*
Security: Public
Tags:about my father, my second family, willow's warren

I love my weekend conversations with my Dad!!!

Love love love!

I love the validation. I love the fact that MOLB is getting this informed, laid back parenting. And I love being loved!

Note taking about Willow's Sette )

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Date: 01:33AM | Sat, August 16th | 2008
Subject: Anxiety - Ugh
Security: Public
Tags::( frowny face, willow's warren

I threw out trash, loaded the dishwasher (haven't turned it on yet, will before bed) - all because the landlady is sending someone 'round tomorrow to fix up some odds and ends; cover some spots with paint, see about the hole the mouse came in through, etc.

But I'm so crampy and sore and achy I'm anxious at the thought of anyone in my home. Plus I always feel so guilty when she shows up and I don't seem to have made significant progress unpacking. Never mind that I told her it'd probably take me 6 months to a year. It just always feels like I'm not keeping the place tidy enough and she'll regret my lease.

Still want to do nothing but hide in my bedroom tomorrow. It's too much; this thinking the other shoe is going to drop. I'm overexposed and raw still from the past two years.

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Date: 05:44PM | Mon, August 11th | 2008
Subject: Heaven's Preserve!
Security: Public
Mood:restless restless
Tags:willow's warren, wtf!!

So this morning I thought my cat was just being ridiculously annoying for no good reason; pouncing all over me and the bed, trying to eat my toes, pouncing around the room and when I shut her out- whining and scratching at the door.

Turns out there was a mouse in my bedroom. I just walked in about 20 minutes ago to find the cat chilling on the bed, watching the mouse chilling on my pillow.


Bed clothes and comforter in the wash and just got seized in a fit of vaccuming. Also I think I figured out where the damn mouse was digging from ad how come the traps didn't catch it. It dug up from under the carpet!

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Date: 11:44AM | Thu, July 17th | 2008
Subject: Grr arrgh
Security: Public
Mood:grumpy Willow is grumpy grumpy Willow is grumpy
Tags:technology, willow's warren

This is a frivolous complaint. I'm aware it's a frivolous complaint. After all I'm not paying for my access to cable tv. However...

I really don't like direct tv. Really really don't. I realize Comcast has customer service issues out the wahoo and that you have to be in the right area to get the 'good' Comcast service. And yet, so far I can't find anything to help me set up my DVD and VCR player with Direct TV.

There is no 'on demand' which is the only way I really watch cable tv. If I can't get what I want to watch when I want to watch it, I'll watch it online. But worse than no tv shows on demand, there are no explanation videos for the service on demand. So if I want to figure out how the remote works or something else, I have to get to the channel and wait until the loop maybe, perhaps, hits the topic I'm looking for.

I seriously don't believe that someone should pay money, LOTS of money to have all these movie channels and then not be able to see the movies WHEN THEY WISH TO SEE THEM, but instead have to try and catch them at a certain time. I've missed a movie I wanted to see -twice- maybe thrice, because I didn't have the tv on then (oh yeah, that's another thing. You can't schedule two or more shows as a possibility for a time slot - y'know because your mood might change. You can only auto-schedule one.) or because I was watching something else or had music on and forgot I wanted to watch something. In the end I went and watched the damn thing online - my time, my comfort.

Am I just really old or generationally lost that I don't get why, aside from being in an old building that Comcast won't wire, one would get Direct TV? And my apt is wired around the moldings anyway with the cable for this, so it's not as if that bit was avoided. And my landlady is so busy. She works really hard, an hour away. And she also teaches at a college and thus has homework to grade and tests to give etc, PLUS she takes a class for herself too. So when does she really get the time to watch tv? It'd be around the edges, right? Without on demand that pretty much leaves her to the mercy of whatever is playing.

Then again maybe because I've the unit downstairs that's not connected to the phone-line on the account that I may not have gotten some kind of firmware upgrade to on-demand. But everything I've looked for and found online says it's in 'beta' in some parts of the country.

And yeah, I already know I don't get the big deal about HDTV. Because honestly I wish they'd just come out and say there's a need for emergency services to have these frequencies so tv has to be moved to -these- frequencies and stop giving me crap about clarity. Zvi and I went looking at HDTV screens in Best Buy and we didn't see an improvement. Maybe she's since peeked and seen a difference. But I still haven't. I can appreciate that television technology has changed and there should be improvement there. But 'dramatic difference, oooh' - yeah no.

*is grumpy*

I definitely, definitely need an extremely comfy computer chair, so I can relax by my desk and watch movies and series.

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Date: 08:20AM | Sun, July 13th | 2008
Subject: Hmm...
Security: Public
Tags:errands: shopping, thinky thoughts, willow's warren

My current dilemma

Order from the old grocery store? I've recently learned they remodelled and in fact were in the middle of remodeling when my orders went all cockeyed.

Order from complete over priced Safeway?

Attempt to find a taxi-cab to go to the basic canned place down the street (5-6 blocks) and use it also on Weds for after therapy grocery buying? Because I've realized I'm really been wearing myself out with the weekly shopping. And now that I'm in this down period of safety, continuing to do it is making me useless for unpacking. I'm bringing groceries up the steepest part of the hill, by hand.

Just the thought of steeling myself to walk down the hill to get anything from the Save-a-lot feels draining after a weekend dealing with scratching in the walls, cooking, soaking in the tub, folding clothes, light dishwashing and one little box of unpacking. Where my energy's gone to, I don't know.

Was it ever really there?

Y'know, I've been managing or at least so used to my limping around the house and doing my exercises normally that I forgot my leg's still healing. Went to take the stairs earlier and surprised myself by the pull and ow.

Yeah... I have a lot more going on than I'm willing to pay attention to in the whole, in seems like. I really need to rethink my grocery needs, because stressing about it is likely taking up energy too.

ETA: Not whining or asking for comments telling me what to do. Just writing out my options and doing some self realizing.

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Date: 09:00PM | Sat, July 12th | 2008
Subject: Side Note
Security: Public
Mood:hyper hyper
Tags:willow's warren

One of the unexpectedly cool things about the apartment, that I realized after I moved in, is that when I'm on the landlord's level, by the front stairs, I can see the buildings of downtown. It clicked that we're uphill from downtown so of course I'd be able to see the buildings. But it was still cool to see and cooler just now to see just after sunset with some light still in the sky and the buildings all lit up.

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Date: 08:10PM | Fri, July 11th | 2008
Subject: People I Want To Smack (with an iron glove)
Security: Public
Tags:willow's warren

WTH Law of Averages?

If the landlord is decent and kind, the postal person and UPS persons have to be total assholes????!!

I have a big sign (11 inches by 8 inches) that says to ring the bell TWICE and wait.

Just now the bell rang once and then I heard the song of a vehicle tearing ass up the street before I even got to my bedroom door, farless the front door.

The UPS guy just tossed my package through the grillwork door. And apparently earlier in the day the USPS Government Employee DIDN'T EVEN RING THE DAMN BELL. Or read for that matter, cause the mail that got tossed isn't mine. It belongs upstairs.

Correction - just called to complain and my shipping number is USPS, despite Best Buy telling it it was UPS. No wonder UPS couldn't use my tracking numbers.

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Date: 11:44AM | Fri, July 11th | 2008
Subject: News
Security: Public
Tags:willow's warren

Landlady is coming over 'round noon tomorrow to hear/see what's up. The proper authorities hav been contacted, with redundancies but there's no appt spot available until Monday. However if the landlady gets creeped out when she stops by tomorrow, she'll see if she can't find SOMEONE, somehow.

Meanwhile I found ground turkey in the fridge! Yay protien. And it gives me another day to rest and truly figure out what to do about groceries. Cause wearing myself out is counter productive. This apt makes me feel calm and relaxed and I am getting better and able to do more. But wearing myself out to the point of collapse is NOT ok.

Thanks Zvi (for the pep/sanity talk) ;p

Huh, I need a homey icon. Something like a hobbit hole or an earthship or cob house or SOMETHING. *ponders*

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Date: 04:47AM | Thu, July 10th | 2008
Subject: ahem
Security: Public
Tags:chocolate distinctions, willow's warren

I woke up around 3am because there was scratching. I thought it was my cat. Then I realized I could see all four of her paws and they weren't moving. Something's trying to dig a hole in my wall. So I emailed the landlady and am now too paranoid to go back to bed.

Seriously, the rats in my city are The HUGE. They'd eat NYC rats and burp and chitter about the appetizer. They're SCARY ASS RATS. They're foot and a half to two feet long rats. Reepicheep would say WTF at these rats.

So being unable to not envision a vicious hoard coming to get me / trying to get in (seriously my gf at the time and I threw a pebble at a group of them once thinking they'd scatter. They rushed us!) - I'm up.

I just had a piece of 70% chocolate. It was alright. Not as delicious to me as the 55% Milk Chocolate. There must be a place -somewhere- that puts milk into darker chocolate. Cause I don't want sugar/sweetness just milky creamness.


It makes me feel as if I'm not appreciating the chocolate. I am, I just happen to know what my favourite is.

ETA: Cacao Rserve by Hershey is very very close to my ultimate chocolate bar/squares.

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turn the page
By Any Other Name
of Willow
January 2016