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Likely distractions from pain and emotional drain and energy issues ( I ordered out, did not decide to starve until I could cook tomorrow and feel better now.)
Like I mentioned before, I like small spaces and read Tiny House, Small House blogs. But I've found myself thinking two things a lot in the past few days as I was getting re-caught up in that section of the blogsphere. None of these houses are designed with disabilities in mind. Apparently if you are disabled it is just too bad for you that so many house plans & designs involve loft bedrooms, no wheel chair or even cane manueverability and the thing that bugged me the most - absolutely no disabled access into the damn house in the first place.
All this thought on maximizing space and dual purpose this and how a person lives that, and green living and energy conservation, and tens upon tens of STAIRS.
The second thing I noticed is how very few people of colour I see involved in the small house movement who aren't 'Those poor people in Brownilla Country Where It's Hot'. White people; get back to basics, pare down, have a small house movement and live less cluttered and ostentatious lives. Non white people are just poor, the dear things.
The thought's been floating around and around in my head that you have to be 'white' and 'privileged' and 'well off' to live a simple life that's called a simple life and not the result of lack of effort & ambition. And when someone on a blog challenged the cost of workshops to learn how to build these tiny houses, they got dogpiled on and told that such and such deserves to be able to make enough to mind his family, and it's a service not something free and there's nothing wrong with making money.
Just like I have no doubt they'd stutter and stammer and stare if someone pointed out all the houses being oohed and awwhed over are impractical for those with disabilities
I also discovered this week that the American West had a culture, a sheep rancher culture, that created caravans that were structurally a lot like Rom Caravans of the early 19th century. And considering that the caravans had a European start, it does make sense that the style would go along with European immigrants attempting to 'settle' the West. (One of these days I need to write out my thoughts on confusion on how a land can be settled that already has people on it. Since I was small I've been confused about the Louisiana and Alaskan purchases because how can you sell something you don't own?)
But back to the 'Small House Movement' - where 'Gypsy Caravans' are showed off, with plans and designs, as possible 'Studios' and 'Meditation Rooms' (Isn't that a clash of appropriations) and 'Play Houses'. They're carved and brightly painted and beautiful and stolen.
What's yours is mine and what's mine is mine. The melting pot. Everything must go in to be shared with everyone. Except the things we the powerful keep for ourselves as precious to us.
American the pickpocket, the hug and handshake to welcome you to the fold, that robs you shamelessly at the same time. And isn't it quaint you thought your belongings were only for you and not meant to be picked over like wares at a fleamarket with certain less 'shiny' things insultingly marked down.
They're not fully formed yet, my thoughts on the specific rejections and the specific acceptance that is co-option and dilution and secularism. But I'm beginning to understand some of my exhaustion.
There's only so much 'don't think about it' a person can do, right?
And there's only so much one can take, to see the death of a pregnant mouse get more sympathy than the tasering of a pregnant brown woman.
Hmmm. I think I need richer and more filling than what I currently have, to feed my soul. Actually I think I'm tired of picking glass out of my mental vittles.
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Ovlulation pain. Tailbone pain. Joint pain (due to overhanging storm) and a swollen breastbone. And I begin to sincerely wish there were other ways I had to back up my computer (but I don't plan to spend a lot of money on an external drive only to have the monitor say 'I am the weakest link - goodbye').
At least I deleted the dvd/cd burn+copy program that came with the computer. I don't know why I kept thinking it was easy for me to use. It wasn't. And then after thinking I'd messed up 3 different discs. I got a new program (yay freeware) and used the last disc, which got burned beautifully and now I have Season 1 and Season 2 of The Weekenders. (I need to be in better spirits to monitor to dwnld and burn S3 and S4 - especially since each 10 minute episode is halved for some reason).
But ow. Very grumpy. And even though there's roast in the fridge I just want to order something for the comfort of the food coming from somewhere else. But I don't even know what I'd order. I'm not craving any flavours at all. So I won't. I'm just - ow. A lot of ow. I loathe pain. And even though I've got my pain patches, I have no clue where to put them (other than on my neck earlier) because there's just so much pain and that would involve making a decision.
PS: Homeland Security: We're In Ur Website, Bein' All Racist. Someone on my twitter list was surprised. Yeah, she's white.
Meanhile, having seen that link, I wonder if this pain is just delayed tension or something.
ETA: Oh damn. I think I've rebroken that damn troublesome toe again.
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I'm sure ![[info]](http://www.insanejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) ficsafezone is extremely well intended. But reading the community's profile left me uneasy/pissed off/cold.
I recognize that what set me off might not set anyone else off. That said - Fuck!. We're survivors not victims.
I'm a survivor, not a victim and I sure as hell don't appreciate the formation of group effing therapy, unliscenced and unmoderated in my hobby. I am not going to stick a patch on my forehead that says 'Abuse Survivor' so it becomes the first word/phrase that defines me sense of self. Joining a community and listing the things that send me curling into a ball and hugging a stuffed animal, so someone can judge if my pastime is safe enough for me?
( Screw You - It's Easier To Leave )
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That is, thoughts that weren't cuss words up and down, around and upside down of a titanic load of people.
And of course it happened in a comment, so:
Willow has thoughts about the lack of comprehension, shaming and ablist attitudes on the anti-warning crowd.
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This title is both tongue in cheek and true. ( Not Really Feeling Considerate But WTF )
Fucking Hypocrites.
Hi, my name is Willow. This is me NOT making friends and NOT influencing people. Unclick the ticky. 0 to pissed off in 20 minutes of writing.
ETA: 4.04pm - Still mad. Still upset.
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Can't read anymore links or entries, even to figure out if it's a true quote of people I know, like, love, respect. I'm in tears and I'm doing 'as suggested' and looking out for me. May also just ban the lot so I feel safe in my personal journal which is apparently the only space I should ever expect to be safe (but being me, I'm still keeping this a safe space for others, so in future don't think you can peddle your racism, homophobia, transphobia, etc here ).
ETA:
A QuestionFrom ZVI: I guess I don't understand why it's so terrible to ask the author or a friend (or a reviewer if you read about a story through a review), "Does this story contain X?" if X is a problem for you. As I understand it, people who want warnings do not, in the general case, want to make stories that contain X go away. They don't want to deal with X themselves. So, asking about X creates and destroys no X content. It just helps people not be triggered, without changing the author's presentation of the story for everyone else. If you want to know, ask the author. Isn't a warning the author pre-answering the pre-asked question from a prospective reader, already? And doing it for all prospective readers instead of one at a time? Filling their inbox? And answering specifically so that the reader doesn't have to go down through a list of: ( Short list of possibly triggery questions )Is the point of asking meant to be some backhanded way of checking reader count and getting feedback? Apparently I'm calmer and the tears have dried, but I'm no less upset and confused.
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I've been more meta than fic writer for a while, and then skimming on the edges of media fandom (having been more involved for a time in comics fandom) and I am someone who can be triggered by certain things. But I have no idea if I've ever warned for stuff myself.
I want to think that my WIP's which were the fics I think dealt the most with dark themes were warned for before I posted them, all the way back, to the yahoo grouplist. But I was a total newbie to fandom then and was following form while not yet understanding function.
I know I was flummoxed about warnings when I transferred my first batch of fic to AO3 (haven't been back since, more's the pity). But even though that was just earlier this year, and only a few months ago, I think I was flummoxed because I had;
a) no idea really that warnings were meant to prevent and protect from triggers
b) had the idea that warnings were about squicks/kinks and character deaths.
Which seems odd when I think about it, because I do rely on friends (one mainly) to recc fic for me that I think I can handle, but I hadn't thought about why I needed that. I didn't think that h/c SGA fic was triggering, I just knew it made me feel irrationally upset, emotionally over-wrought and not worth the effort of reading them given how it affected me for the rest of the day or week.
And this while I'm in and have been in therapy for several years and am aware of triggers. I think of triggers as outside things that screw me up more than I can ground for; of certain noises, certain scenarios I might find myself in.
Focused on being present in my life and living, in the here and now, and functioning, I don't think I've consciously thought about why I avoid some television shows and why some books have become so abhorrent to me.
The more entries pop up on my flist about warnings and what people will and won't warn for; what they think will or won't be upsetting to another person has me thinking and realizing that if I, someone in therapy, aware of other triggers in my life, haven't thought about fic as more than a squick, more than knowing straight up that noncon and twincest/incest upset me - what about people who haven't had the chance to analyze their triggers at all?
And then what about discovering new triggers? Sometimes a smell can be laden with emotion I then have to climb out from under and figure out how to deal with.
Aside: I'm not saying or meaning to imply somehow that romantic relationships in, or sexually explicit, fiction have been unconsciously triggering me given my meta thoughts on General Interest Fic. I don't know. I didn't think to look at it in that context. This is not to say the world should cater to people who're triggered. Because that would be impossible, I believe. The best thing, I've been told, is learning to handle said triggers and sometimes that means minimizing exposure while working on it. Which makes warnings make sense to me. What does confuse me is this sense that somehow a warning for something emotionally frought like death or rape or dysfunctional enough to involve incest is somehow giving away the story. That's what I get from a lot of what I've seen (links, comments etc), that somehow a story is more important than another fan's feelings and emotional history. That a few words to add to what are sometimes very bland summary descriptions, thus giving more context, are ruining the craft / the warp and weave of fannish ficdom; A double odd since the summaries of books are often longer than the summaries of fics three times as long. I'm glad to see notes from some that the feelings and comfort levels of all fans matter and they want to find some system to be put in place that spreads out so that everyone knows; this is the system set up for dealing with the possibility of triggers. I just find myself thinking of the last big "Recc/No Recc Reviews are Mean/Anti Nice" crackmania. Recc/No Recc Reviews have been very helpful to me in the past and don't involve me dealing with an author directly (cold emailing someone to tell them their summary does not suffice and I need more info). Recc/No Recc Reviews feel like a stable system in addition to warnings. Especially since they tend to be done by people who like to read things and then review them for others. But there are members of the fannish community who don't like Recc/No Recc Reviews either because it harshes their squee to know that somewhere, someone didn't like their story, didn't think their writing made it worth the effort to deal with the emotional commess of the plot, etc... So what I gather is that there are a group of people who think warnings ruin the story, and who feel that written recc/no recc reviews ruin fandom and in between are people who find use for both in order to enjoy fandom, who're left to fall through the cracks. That...is dislikeable to me. Definitions: Recc/No Recc, when people recommend a story, or say they don't recommend it when posting reviews. [ Comments Off. Not in the mood/in the space to host fannish discussion right now. Maybe later. Maybe never. ]( ETA: )
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[Anna? Just scroll past, please. Fickle don't even look. Closed eyes scroll.] ( C/P behind Cut )>___<Restraint:Technique can dispirit and hurt special-ed students 2nd Linked article (c/p-ed here): ( Read more... )>______<When the autistic little boy got voted out of his classroom, as part of something his own teacher had set up - I thought that a one off of one woman's cruelty and lack of training. Apparently being dumb as bricks towards disabled children is the effing norm?!! These are children! Small, fragile! Precious you FUCKWITS! I can't believe there needs to be a congressional hearing to determine that nation wide, a 200plus pound teacher should not be weight restraining a 40-60pound child. Or using hand made restraints. Why is this country moving BACKWARDS? Why? ETA: "Do we need anti-torture legislation for our schools?"
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Rather than have a battle of the utensils, I'm going to officially convert some of my spoons, ala The Spoon Theory (PDF), into Forks. I'm a disabled black lesbian dinocorn. I can totally do this with my magic powers.
Spoons are about those of us with mental and physical disabilities rationing out our energy.
Forks are about those of us dealing with the mental and physical social handicaps of not being white.
In modern westernized society, not being white is an issue requiring energy. Do you point out the racist joke at work? Do you ignore the racist jerk on the bus, at the diner, sitting at your table beside your family member who obviously likes them. Do you point out the racist content in books, and music? Do you ignore and grit your teeth and tolerate people acting as if your ancestors never contributed anything but blood and fear of rape to the building of America; to the ending of World Wars (the liberation of France at the end of WW2 - white/light skin soldiers only, who cares about the brown skinned people who died), Code Talkers, to people assuming non white peoples have done nothing for global civilization infrastructure, technology, culinary arts and who think that Elvis invented rock and roll?
Sometimes, you just don't have the energy, it would take too much out of your life and your attempts to pursue your own happiness to pause to slap some honkey upside the head, or correct some well meaning progressive white person showing and parting their buttcheeks.
Sometimes, if you have to deal with just one more clueless and ignorant white-is-the-default racist comment, you feel you might go postal, or hermit or end up under evaluation half covered in your own blood from trying to claw your eyes out.
For those times, I say we discuss our lack of forks. Because every day we wake up non-white, we only have a certain amount of forks at our disposal. And if we want to make it all the way through a week without killing some moo-cow or pantsless Sh*tterly, we have to store them up and judge how and when to use them. And while we can borrow against tomorrow's forks and sometimes even next month's forks, it's draining and can lead to burn out and can lead to smacking someone red in the face cause the fool dared to touch our hair without asking and we had but one fork left for the ride home and we weren't going to give it up to them.
I hope with the Fork Theory, people will understand why some PoC/NWP just abstain, or sigh, or walk away. I hope it will help people understand why PoC/NWP do. not. have. the. time. to teach them how to be better white people.
Psst. Pass it around.
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So apparently healthy/able bodied individuals have been using spoons to mean generic units of energy in regard their interaction in various racist battle fronts.
...
Yeah, I'm a little speechless, I'd have thought it was obvious once one looked at the written out Spoon Theory (PDF) that it was about ability to cope vs lack of ability to cope, all revolving around disability. But apparently not.
I am twitchy, however, at the complaint as it is laid out here, mainly because of this quote:
when queers were protesting prop 8 with "gay is the new black", i didn't like it. this was (white) queers co-opting the (straight) black experience.
the use of the spoons metaphor is (able-bodied) poc co-opting the (white) disabled experience.
What am I? Fucking INVISIBLE? Have I reached the level of DINOCORN now? Black lesbian and disabled doesn't exist? Cause I was not aware that The Spoon Theory was primarily a white disabled concept. My bad, I've been appropriating for years now in using it and will keep appropriating it cause excuse me but hello! Non white people can have mental and physical stuff going on too! G'damn but there's some assumptions going on that the people using it, AREN'T disabled, because what? They're not white? No one could POSSIBLY have more than one oppression/social handicap to deal with? Your WTF Rocketship Is Boarding. Get on it and get the hell off my planet. ETA: Stoneself's pov =
a person defaults straight white male able-bodied cisgendered [privlege] [privilege] [privilege]
a gay man defaults white.
a poc defaults male.
a queer defaults cisgendered.
etcetcetc.
Right, I guess that explains how they see the world.
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irate
pissed off
upset