By Any Other Name
the tale of Willow

Date: 10:54AM | Sun, September 4th | 2011
Subject: Is There Any Diversity Up In Here?
Security: Public
Mood:contemplative contemplative
Tags:#queer issues: q is for queer, #race issues: general, #sensuality issues: orientation, #sexuality issues: orientation

Where are the PoC Asexuals (on the internet)? Where are the discussions on intersectionality? Because I have to admit, I'm beginning to get kind of twitchy at what feels like a bunch of white people navel gazing and going "I'm more oppressed than you!" / "You are not more oppressed than us!" in the supposed Asexuals vs LGB(T) goings on I've found online.

I haven't even found much notes on age differences affecting things; generational gaps and understandings or misunderstandings or generational apprehension. I realized I just started looking at and looking for conversations. But uhm, I think I need some help?

Is there another name I should be looking for? The same way that SGL came up among AA Queers? Is there another term for Ethnic Minority Sexual Minorities? (Sexual Orientation Minorities? Relationship Minorities?)

I would really like to see some other points of view than twenty something white folk; or maybe it's just twenty something folk with semi limited life experiences outside their personal exploration of this particular topic?

I recognize that there is a certain amount of privilege involved in having time and space and lack of stress to ponder certain things; an ability not to be living hand to mouth, for one thing. The chance for relationships not to fall into us vs them, survival vs not; and for individuals to have had a chance to think on things at all. But I seriously doubt that it's only white folks pondering where they fit in in life, against the noises shouted at us via media and grooming consumerism demands. I know an indvidual or two, but that's not a community. Where is the community? Where are the thoughts? There has to be at least an NDN Asexual community somewhere, right?

And uhm, there's bound to be other minorities within this minority too, right? Where are the deaf asexuals? Or are they just not identifying themselves as such in the conversations I've found? Where are the disabled asexuals? Ollie ollie oxen free Asian gray a's? Where you at? Latino aromantics? Yoo hoo?! South Asian Demi's? Hello?! Where you hiding? I know you've got a voice.

Hmm. If more than dustbunnies and mothballs read my journal, I've a feeling my thoughts might be unpopular.

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Date: 09:17PM | Tue, August 30th | 2011
Subject: Notations: Stumbling Towards Vocabulary
Security: Public
Tags:#queer issues: q is for queer, #sensuality issues: orientation, #sexuality issues: general, about me, note to self

2009: Random: Loneliness

2010: Not Rushing To Either Sex or Climax

2011: Chewing On Thoughts

2011: Vulnerability, Sexuality, Sensuality: Or Things That Have Made Me Feel Like A Freak (aka DemisexualDemiromantic Is A Word)

Note to self: REREAD YOUR JOURNAL. Apparently you try to tell yourself things and then totally forget them/ they sink beneath the waves of psyche. I can't believe I forgot 'psychic road rash'. How do you forget such a phrase?

Next thing I know, I'll find things from 2009 and further back. Really, how long have I been hopscotching towards a vocabulary?

ETA: 2009 link (w/ Elynross)

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Date: 05:08PM | Mon, August 29th | 2011
Subject: Vulnerability, Sexuality, Sensuality: Or Things That Have Made Me Feel Like A Freak
Security: Public
Tags:#queer issues: q is for queer, #sexuality issues: general, about me

I've spent several days now, in a kind of daze (writing things out, on and off ) and I think I've come to some realizations. The first, is that vocabulary by itself is not what has me shocked, stunned, other words. Vocabulary is what has/had me questioning how I accepted the concept that something was wrong with me that needed to be fixed. How lack of vocabularly, led to me thinking something was physically wrong or psychologically wrong. And that the realization that I went to the I'm not like everyone else, therefore there is something wrong/broken with me place, that I bought into that, and accepted that, when in so many other areas of my life I wouldn't and haven't and thought I never would - that's where the upset, startled, dazed, shock comes from.

There's more... )

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Date: 01:35AM | Sun, May 15th | 2011
Subject: Regarding The 'Genderfloomp Party'
Security: Public
Tags:#queer issues: q is for queer, #social justice issues, thinky thoughts

Had a conversation with a good friend who managed to put to words some of what I was feeling and helped me sort out a portion of my WTF. Appropriation doesn't seem at first glance like the right word, but it's about what is being appropriated. Appropriation has the impact I want. I am concerned about people getting to play dress up in regards to gender as if such an act is a free act and something to take for granted. And if it is 'club performance' that's some privileged shite right there, because there are many people who don't suddenly stop being transqueer or living lives on the border when they 'leave the party' and 'wipe off the makeup'.

I recognize that's likely not the intent or goal of the party. But many insensitive things in this world aren't intended to harm or oppress but they do. The fact that the people participating can't grasp the oppression doesn't make it any less real or mocking.

If it turns out to be a space where some folks feel free to express who they are, because they're hiding among 'revelers' and so technically 'they could be straight, cis, whatever' because 'it's a party' - I can't and won't begrudge them that; it's an odd broadening of the closet for a few hours. For me though, the very fact that it's a 'dress up party' - not a 'We're having a party and we've decided that prescribed gender roles can kiss our ass - dress how you want' - that disturbs me.

I recognize now, as well, how I saw it presented; that isn't it amazing that so and so has put their costume together and looks fabulous - that upset me too. Again the best phrase I have for it is that 'Someone's life shouldn't be your play space'. That's where the word appropriation feels most apt. That's where I start thinking about headdresses and culture and white folks dressing up as slaves and or confederate soldiers etc for a ball - because it's just for fun. Context? What context?

This isn't the same thing as drag - which is a distinct style of performance with distinct rules and roles. This is clearly a costume party and the theme is gender. And it freaks me out that it's this party version of the argument; all gender is performance and socialization and isn't real, therefore anyone can put on or take off anything. Which is often used as a tool of oppression.

And none of this even gets into the self appointed gate keepers in the world who demand certain dress to either prove or disprove a thing and the people who, for their own lives, can't dress as they would like. It was still appropriation for non NDN folks to dress up using certain feathers and certain designs even when it was illegal for NDNs to practice their traditional religions. It was still playing dress-up as if it had no context, no history, no pains.

Again, I'm sure the organizers will take care to gate keep the party and try to keep absuive elements from crashing the 'fun'. But that isn't the same thing as a safe space to me.

Someone in my comments talked about PoC feeling unsafe when everyone around them is being culturally appropriative. But what about someone who is trans, being surrounded by people treating gender and gender fluidity or androgyny etc as a costume for the night - thinking it's giving them great insight. Is that safe? Are you sure that other people deciding when it's a great idea to 'play with gender presentation' and when it's not, isn't oppression?

We already know that just because something is run by feminist white women, doesn't mean it's got intersectionality automatically in the bag.

ETA: To those of y'all who've met me - you know how I treat crap/abusive comments.

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Date: 05:10PM | Fri, May 6th | 2011
Subject: ...
Security: Public
Tags:#queer issues: q is for queer, #social justice issues, games: cinematic interactives

Really Mass Effect 2? When I do see PoC, they're ALL Mercenaries? That's how brown people do? Run drugs and guns and illegal stuff along with more 'obvious' others who are physically alien? Seriously?! SERIOUSLY?

PS: Note to myself, when looking up information on game be prepared for phrases like "I don't wanna come across as queer or nothing..." and "If there's actual homos* playing this game, they should form a petition!"

Sometimes I forget, I really do, for all of five minutes wanting to immerse myself in a fictional world, of how many people in the world would rather I be dead, silent, dead and silent or would just stop bringing stuff up.

*homos is not a 3 letter starred out word.

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Date: 10:30PM | Fri, January 28th | 2011
Subject: So Mercedes Lackey is bringing the TransFail in her latest
Security: Public
Tags:#queer issues: q is for queer, #social justice issues, when privilege attacks, writing: authors

More at this link over on DW. For myself, last year's attempt to re-read through beloved books seems to have prepared me for this. My reaction is not 'OH NO NOT MISTY!' But rather - Yup, she was about on schedule to show her ass. Thank goodness for a black US president, yes? Or so many of us would still be giving these people money.

ETA: Note, desc of book content is spoilery and potentially triggering. I can't believe I didn't think to mention how upsetting it is. **faceplam**

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Date: 07:57PM | Wed, October 13th | 2010
Subject: Insidious Lies
Security: Public
Tags:#queer issues: q is for queer, #social justice issues, about me, cope scale -3, mental health, topical

Standing in the kitchen, trying to make myself somthing simple to eat - all I seem able to handle these days (but at least I phrase it as 'these days' and recognize it as a phase and not the state of things FOREVER') - I realized that I really hate when life reminds me I'm dealing with mental illness. Physical stuff I seem to handle somewhat better. And yes, I roll my eyes and laugh a little as I type that, because I'm currently learning to tell the difference between depression, anxiety and pain.

I am completely serious. It is my therapy homework. 'Each of these things is not like the other. Each of these things is just not the same'.

But there is an inner block, an inner something that wants to say 'No, I used to be like that. But I'm better now' - when it comes to days where I can't think straight, don't want to do anything, have to force myself to eat, need to search for something to look forward to to get out of bed or something I feel obligated to do; feed the cat, or be there for a friend ( note: obligated = love. If I don't love you, I'm not lifting any fingers). There's this internal stigma against my brain being so obvious about not working.

I find no stigma in being multiple.

I find, in general, no stigma with juggling anxiety or sadness/depression.

I do find stigma at having run out of functional.

I don't know if I'm judging myself for not monitoring well. Or if I'm judging the state of not being functional with a lot of mental tapes full of subliminals I can't even hear well enough to describe. But I know what stigma and shame feel like and I'm feeling it, along with the related frustration (though at this stage it's more like an itch because I'm so far under functional).

I can realize, rationally, that I'm falling into 'Shoulding All Over Myself' - that I feel like I should be able to handle, should be able to manage, should do this, should do that, should NOT be freaking out or feeling numb, or dry gears. But it's not really changing much. At least not right now.

Honestly, part of me is hoping it's just October. That it's suicide anniversaries, and mental tensions about who I spend the holidays with (my mother's usual haranguing sure to birth forth any moment now (Yes I phrased it that way on purpose. Her desires are a lovecraftian Athena with ONE goal), and the cold, and glim, rain and shadow and lack of sunlight.

But I don't know. And I hate not knowing. I hate feeling like I'm backsliding. I hate the thought of phonecalls making me want to curl up in a ball and cry because while I may have the physical energy I don't want to force my brain to handle things and end up deeper in that non-functional hole.

Right now I'm hating that my physical and mental highs and lows do not seem to match up. I'm loathing having to look suspiciously at supplements and wonder if they're affecting me. And I am in no way pain free through any of this. I just have more cope to fiddle with on the physical than the mental as I hike up this mountain called life; great views, a bitch with the oxygen and temperatures.

When I sat down to write about this though, I saw a couple of those 'It gets better' posts that people have been doing as a 'do gooder' add on to the recent media promoted death of queer teens. Earlier today I'd already commented on how much I think that's a lie and the real message should be 'You Get A Chance To Find Community. We're Here'. And I don't really give a fuck who thinks I'm recruiting.

But writing this now, I realize I really am ANGRY, because that feels a lot like what I'm struggling with re: Mental Health. The lie that got into my head that I should -get- better eventually, and be cured. That I did everything 'right', found a health professional, have a treatment plan, etc... so once I get over a hurdle/problem/complication/situation/mental grah - it should be over. In the past.

Except of course that life doesn't work that way. Living might be linear, but life experience is NOT. What I have now is support and resources and tools for handling things, even when I feel dismal about it all. I'm writing right now, as a tool, I'm speaking to the one or two members of the world community from which I get support, I am being a resource. That's what I have now, that I didn't have in the past, for both dealing with mental illness AND being queer.

And that's why I don't care how moving a youtube video is about 'it gets better' and why it only irritates me. Because SOCIETY DOESN'T CHANGE THAT FAST. It's not a state of two different worlds and once you reach a certain point, VROOM, you step through to 'THE BETTER LIFE'. Setting someone up like that, is setting them up for real hurt and disappointment. It's me struggling with extra depression, over being fucking depressed despite supposedly stepping through into 'THE BETTER LIFE'.

It doesn't get better. It should. We all wish it would. Many of us are working to try and make it so, a little bit at a time. But the 'better' doesn't come from suddenly attaining some magical state. Adulthood is not a cure for gueerphobia or queerbullying. Treatment is not an insta- cure for mental health. What does help, what lends us all more lengths of cope, are community support, tools to manage and resources.

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Date: 03:01PM | Wed, May 5th | 2010
Subject: Short Message to American Media & Heterosexual Men
Security: Public
Tags:#queer issues: q is for queer

Hit you.

Hit you in the mouth with a baseball bat.

I am so sick of Lesbians = Ratings = Sweeps Week.

I am so sick of 'two girls kissing' = lesbian action, as if all representations of two women attracted to or in love with one another must equal a porn genre.

Hit you in the mouth with a germ infested baseball bat - with mold.

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Date: 09:20PM | Mon, May 3rd | 2010
Subject: Attention Viewers Of HOUSE:
Security: Public
Mood:pissed off pissed off
Tags:#queer issues: q is for queer, #social justice issues


I wanted to watch a mystery that WASN'T going to be dealing with corpses and what do I find? I find bisexuality apparently non-existent. So that for some guy the question is whether he's GAY or NOT GAY (because he made a fricking CHOICE - therefore in reality he's somehow denying his true self) and no one gues 'So wtf, he's bi and his last partner was male and now his current partner is female'.

His fiance leaves his ass because she's not sure she can ever trust that he's not DENYING HIMSELF or LYING TO HIMSELF and she can't believe he really loves her because OMG He's Denying Being Gay!

And I'm still going WTF, he was with a guy for 3 years but never thought about bisexuality??? He went off to a 'GET STRAIGHT CAMP' because he knew he wasn't GAY?


The other WTF? Was presenting poly relationships as open marriages + cheating. And yes, I understand it's character development and yes, I personally do believe that to have previously had a poly style relationship in whatever formation, have agreed to not have one anymore and to still see other people IS cheating. But W. T. F?


I really have to go back to the homosexuals lie about their past and then sleep with WOMEN and might be carrying AIDS OMG! in 20fricking10. SERIOUSLY? SERIOUSLY?! For realz? This is the shit on tv now?

Also apparently all lesbians everywhere are 20-30something white females?!!!!!! And all gay people everywhere also DON'T KNOW WHO THE FUCK BISEXUALS ARE?!!!!!

And they even brought up fucking GAYDAR?!!!


I feel somewhat like an ass, because I'm not involved in local gay life (activisim or politics) anymore because, well, I'm black and not christian and felt rather outside the bend where I am. But I have heard others talk about bisexual invisibility and while I could admit to myself their experiences were/are valid - the pop cultural and thus possibly global (the US exports its media eveywhere) BI INVISIBILITY had passed me by. I wasn't watching at all or when I did not close enough. But this episode was so FUCKING IN THE FACE WITH IT!

WTF is up with this need for everything to be a duality? Straight or Gay, Male or Female, Cis or Post Op Trans (because apparently there are too many embracing idiocy who don't believe that not only is gender fluid, but body comfort and want of modification as well).

WTF is up with the Black or White as if Asians and Latinos and First Nations don't exist. And why do I only ever see Arabs and Persians mentioned beside sentences involving terrorism but not RACISM?

I can't believe I watched what I watched. I mean I just sat there, jaw dropped, waiting for someone to bring up bisexuality. But instead there was a whole lot of bullshit about innate hetero or homosexuality. They think that's being PROGRESSIVE? That's being inclusive? They can't see it's still a 'We'll be tolerant only as long as you fit into labels we recognize'?


Bisexuals Exist.


BISEXUALS EXIST you effing neanderthals and narrow minded crap dippers!

And so do Asexuals, including romantics and aromantics.

Everyone who thinks there are too many damn letters in GBLTIQ - needs to just drop me now. Also? Why isn't there an A in there for Asexuals anyway?



I forgot to add my WTF as someone dealing with chronic health & pain issues at the last fucking shot of HOUSE self medicating with alcohol. I've heard that he's no longer taking stronger drugs to deal with his pain. But is now taking ibuprofen and that's what the little bottle looked like on his desk. And then to have him self medicating??? WTF is up with that shit? Are they setting him up as an addictive personality?

I mean, I know Holmes was supposed to be an addict. But are they trying to say that Chronic Pain Paitents are the NEW ADDICTS? Am I supposed to believe they are actually going to make a comment on what restricting pain medication can lead someone with chronic pain to do? It's hard to believe they'll treat that seriously if BISEXUALITY DOES NOT EXIST IN THEIR UNIVERSE!

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Date: 09:25AM | Tue, December 15th | 2009
Subject: Random Morning Thought
Security: Public
Tags:#queer issues: q is for queer, random

It's kind of difficult to talk about the pathetic, dismal, desperate, lonely lives homosexuals lead, when they're out there demanding the right to get married and adopt children. Getting married and adopting children isn't pathetic, dismal or desperate. It is just like 'everyone else' aka straight people.

What are those who disapprove, loathe & hate; while insisting they're following the good word, meant to do when the homosexuals have become so visible? What are they to do when gays aren't all waiting to turn eighteen and run off to the 'lawless amoral city' and live lives they'll pretend are fulfilling?; Because a life unlike a straight life is not a life. What are they to do when the queers instead want to stay in town, right next to them and get married and have or adopt children who'll think it is all normal and go to school and have their children or grandchildren thinking it's normal?!

Screw civil rights, I guess - they'll make sure this constant changing pace of life stops. They'll send those gays back into the shadows where they belong. They'll create 'gay marriage' the way they created 'partial birth abortions' and push sex into all their arguments because that at least has not changed; gay sex is still DIFFERENT!

Even though children learn about heterosexual relationships in school; Jimmy's Mom is married to Jimmy's Dad ; and there's no mention of sex or even how Jimmy got there, the concept of Jimmy's Papa is married to Jimmy's Dad MUST include mentions of sex. Details! And that is why they fight, because the school will indoctrinate children into early sex education! Because Jimmy's Papa is married to Jimmy's Dad is NOT living life in the shadows, it is PUSHING THAT LIFESTYLE INTO THE FACE of little children.

It's not just old men at the head of industry who are unable to cope with how quickly life has changed in the past centry and espeically the past half century. Within a single lifetime a man has walked on the moon, computers have shrunk down from building size to palm-top, blacks are walking around like they deserve to hold their heads up (heads with strange hairstyles!), first nations peoples keep insisting they're still alive and the homos get to have white picket fences.

It is not the America they grew up in.

It's a world gone mad with change.


Meanwhile I'm over here thinking how the Trans Panic defense is like the Homo Panic defense, is like 'One Drop Rule' defense (if the murder of African Descended individuals, particularly women had been treated as a crime in the first place). The need for there to always be some human, somewhere who just didn't count. It makes me want to point out to people that the Omega in a Wolf Pack is actually still PART OF THE WOLF PACK. Though I'm not promoting the idea that there needs to constantly be a social under for the social upper's to be able to function. Human beings aren't just animals, we're reasoning animals.

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Date: 11:57PM | Fri, October 2nd | 2009
Subject: Sex, Identity & Race
Security: Public
Mood:contemplative contemplative
Tags:#queer issues: q is for queer

What's gone on with the Lamda's has me thinking about it more than I'd been thinking about it all through September and some of August. Specifically it's been seeing many bisexuals point out their invisibility. It made me think about being multiracial but identifying strongly as black. No one in the US saw me as multiracial, except perhaps other Caribbean individuals and then they were concerned about which island I was from; where my people were from. But I was treated as black, with all the baggage that comes with being black in the US. So I picked an identity and since I knew I sure as hell wasn't white, the choice was obvious.

The choice wasn't so obvious when it comes to my sexual orientation. I identify strongly as a lesbian. I allow myself to be more comfortable around women. I'm more easily attracted to and interested in women and I have never doubted if I settled down with someone it would be with a woman. But when I came out to my parental unit (3 times), it was as a bisexual.

To be honest, the second time I was hedging my bets kind of hoping to ease in slowly. But it also felt more honest; I did find guys attractive. It was part of what had confused me for a while, finding both sexes appealing. Thank goodness for speculative fiction or I might have thought I was crazy / delusional / the only one in the world - take your pick.

But the problem with being bisexual when I did end up as part of the gay community was that my past kept popping up. The moment anyone heard I'd dealt with abuse it suddenly became 'You're not really gay, you're just afraid of men.' It came up a lot. So much in fact that I actually heard 'Lesbians aren't real, they're all just women who've been sexually abused by men' - from straight and gay men! And yes, while I was wary of men, I didn't think that had anything to do with my attraction to women. I'd been having fantasies of me and a 'wife' for years - possibly before the age of 8 or 9. It was something that had always been with me. Many of my childhood best friend girlfriends I'd noticed in the first place because they were cute and bright and fun girls.

Speaking of those fantasies btw? I'd been having fantasies for years of me and my wife, with our sperm donator who lived in short pants and chains in the basement. It's taken years for me to accept that just like my attraction to women, certain kinky aspects of my personality have been around for a long, long time.

Anyway here I am, coming to certain understandings of myself, accepting certain ways my mind works and I find I cannot put the word lesbian down. Can't put down dyke. Can barely loosen my fingers around 'butch' (and that's even though I've been flirting with androgyne ). Being a lesbian has become so incredibly important to me. And that is even though my interaction with 'the community' consists of the clinic I go to and my old neighbourhood being the gay community of my city (meaning I still see old neighbours and nod and I used to go hang out at Lamda Rising (gay bookstore that closed last year) and a few eateries). I'm not being an activist or going to a gay havurah or marching for anything. I rarely attend Pride and it's been months since I picked up a gay newspaper. But that doesn't mean I'm any less queer; any less a lesbian. And, I guess, part of the reason the term means so much to me is because part of me will always resent the fact that heterosexual survivors don't have to hear 'You're not really straight, you're just re-enacting your oppressive abuse.'

Reading various entries by various bisexuals this past week, it's beginning to hit me that the community has done a grave disservice to various individuals who are actually a part of it. Not that I ever thought it was perfect to start with - but I've been more aware, for years, of issues of Trans Invisibility and disrespect, than bisexual ones. One way or another bisexuals have been shunted or ignored. I've picked a side and now I can't unpick it. It's become too much a part of who I am. And I'm fairly certain calling myself a lesbian bisexual would confuse/anger/who knows what people. The same way saying 'I'm black multiracial' does. And that's even though both are the truth.

PS: I think by the way, that's why I like the word queer so much. It doesn't separate people. Queer means, gay, bisexual, and lesbian to me, in the way that it means the opposite of straight. And though I also take it to include transgendered individuals, cisgender is their opposite to me. Queer, doesn't mean kinky to me. It doesn't mean BDSM - which both seem more like lifestyles to me; private choices of sexual expression vs identity and self expression. I guess to me Queer is 'the community you'd rather forget, the community that survives'. Which is a lot more unity than might actually exist, since queer includes drag queens and flaming queens and butches and femmes and those not discernable and somehow inbetween and never-op and post-op and pre-op. Queer says gender identity and sexuality isn't binary, isn't easily codified and hemmed in. The alphabet soup seems like so much effort to be wrapped in plastic like meat on the butcher's self so others can easily identify and feel they understand.

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Date: 11:19AM | Tue, September 29th | 2009
Subject: 3 Things Make A Post
Security: Public
Mood:aggravated aggravated
Tags:#queer issues: q is for queer, #race issues: writing

The Lambda Literary Foundation. The Award. The changed guidelines. Linkspam for context.

1. Bitches be tripping.

2. White selfish female (primarily) bitches be really tripping.

3. If I don't personally know you, and you write m/m for publication - I don't want to know you. So basically I'll take Alex Draven and Julia Talbot Alexa Snow and the rest of those fuckers can get on a rocket and leave my galaxy. Their wtf homeworld is calling.

PS: Anyone raises the word 'ghetto' in any shape or form in my comments and I will cuss you out so hard, your fallopian tubes and/or balls will peel and wither.

PPS: I have come to the conclusion that in a way, P.Nielson was right - "some people ARE more intelligent than others" and it is a right bloody pain to have to live in a world filled with so much selfish, hogging stupid. And of course intelligence in this definition is analytical and emotional metacognition quotient.

PPPS: Never read Ann Somerville. Might now if I ever want to read two white men in a relationship. She's been walking around with 'Sensible Decent Thinking White Woman' on her forehead all year.

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Date: 08:46PM | Wed, September 9th | 2009
Subject: Oh SciFi Fiction. Can't Stand Anyone Not White Straight (and usually) Male
Security: Public
Tags:#queer issues: q is for queer, personal is political

Flash Fiction Online = Homophobic editors, with some seriously bigoted ideas. Example? Gayness = sex (non procreation centered sex at that - oh the misguided horror of humanity).

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Date: 08:37PM | Mon, September 7th | 2009
Subject: I'm angry and I don't even know if I can explain why
Security: Public
Mood:upset upset
Tags:#queer issues: q is for queer, books

This entry concerns an author named Keith Hartman and his book, "The Gumshoe, The Witch, And The Virtual Corpse" and the free chapter read available here. Though personally I'd advise against reading it.

Thoughts on the book here )

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Date: 08:14PM | Tue, September 1st | 2009
Subject: Shit That Upset Me And Keeps Me From Sleeping.
Security: Public
Mood:pissed off pissed off
Tags:#queer issues: q is for queer, #sexuality issues: gender, #social justice issues

Ogi_Ogas Quote:

Well, slash is kind of the female equivalent of the straight male interest in transsexuals. That is, the opposite of what culture would predict. So it probably reflects a more direct subcortical effect. Also, there's already data out there about romance novels we can use, which probably overlaps with relationships in fan fic, but we do have a few questions that aren't specific to slash. Maybe we'll have more in the next round.

And then comes a bevy of well meaning (I would guess) journalers who immediately jump to "WTF! Why did you overlook the obvious parallel of straight men liking lesbian themed porn!"

Meanwhile I'm still sitting with my head spinning at how one paragraph can insult so many people, while utilizing so many stereotypes at once. And before I can take a breath, seemingly cisgendered women are clamoring about 'Why did you bring in transexuals' - which, yes, is a valid question. But I'm still trying to catch my breath at the swift upper cut implication that any attraction to trans individuals is deviant and in need of scientific study.

But lo, the need to defend slash is more important than the insult just given to trans individuals, their lives, emotions, sensuality and sexuality. The need to point out misogyny is more important than transphobia. G'damn white feminist, narrow viewing happy slashers making me want to puke at the very sight of them.

Daily 2009 builds brick upon brick, a house of reason that describes why I should hate the whole damn human race and cleave to a few precious and gifted individuals.

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Date: 08:12PM | Tue, May 26th | 2009
Subject: And Fuckbuckets
Security: Public
Tags:#queer issues: q is for queer, i hate people

While I Was Sleeping California Created A Third Class.

Not as catchy as Sleeping in Seattle, or While You Were Sleeping. But this latest thing to come out of the home of LaLa Land is all about Law vs Common Sense & Decency.

There are explosions (emotional), action (what the Supreme Court didn't do) and kicks to the face! (how the rest of California's Queer Population must be feeling).

Gosh darn treacherous sleep. And it wasn't even that good!

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Date: 04:57PM | Thu, April 23rd | 2009
Subject: Biting Nibbles Against Contentment
Security: Public
Tags:#queer issues: q is for queer, #sexuality issues: gender, one of those days

Slept most of the day away. This is a good thing. I feel much less grumpy.

Less good:

1 - I signed up for Twistory, got confused thought it wasn't working and asked to be removed. Now I can't resign up and get it to update and there's no contact info besides the removeable address, AND their twitter doesn't seem to allow direct messeages. I tried leaving an @twistory. But so far no response yet.

2 - Haven't found anything else to back up my nearly 4000 tweets.

3 - My attempt to make oatmeal just now was with milk that had gone off and I hadn't noticed until I went to take it out of the microwave and found grossness. Canned milk does not taste nearly as good.

4- Someone responded to my post on DW about gender and talked about how they wouldn't want the term female taken away as gender identification precisely because it states reproductive organs and they don't feel comfortable peering at gender identity. I think using the biological terms male and female to represent gender had been wrong and that it lends itself to analysts putting sociological stereotypes on biological descriptors and then demanding that everyone conform (or be thought insane). Even though sociological stereotypes/archetypes have the potential to change as a society changes and evolves.

I'm... really more upset than I thought I would be at a response that's all about their comfort zones. I'm not sure if the right anlogy would be "I don't want to talk about race or deal with new definitions of racism because that would require me to inspect myself and I already don't like doing that. It's unfair to take my definition of racism away from me". But that's how it feels right now.

5 - Bookcases still intimidating. Will see how I feel later today in terms of sorting/unpacking accomplishments even if I don't get the bookcase up.

6 - Need to change my gender and queer tags. I'm no longer comfortable having gender or gender identity associated with sexuality. Those are two different things.

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Date: 06:46PM | Thu, April 9th | 2009
Subject: OMG! My self worth as a human being will be lost! There can only be but so many humans!!!!
Security: Public
Tags:#queer issues: q is for queer, rant


I just learned about "The Gathering Storm" by NOM. (youtube search it)

Oh...jam something sharp in them sideways. I remain very glad I'm not watching tv anymore. A gathering storm? Really? With actual effing storm clouds? OMG, gay people want to be treated as people! What's next? Treating transgendered people like they actually matter?! OMG!!!

I think sometime around all the 'Blacks Supported Prop 8' I lost any amount of give-a-damn I had on the issue of equal marriage. (And yeah, I say equal marriage, cause it's not just all about gays for crying out loud. It's about equality in legal recognition on family creation!) I don't hear enough about other basic human rights. I don't hear about doing things for gay and trans teenagers. I don't hear about doing things for basic human rights for gay and especially trans individuals in the prison system.

I don't hear these things from the movement.

I know this stuff affects individuals. I know this stuff has affected me. But when I see things like that NOM ad? All I can think of is the power of fear. And that those NOM people totally and absolutely know how to push the right buttons to make the right people act like exclusive assholes.

* Freaks in our schools!

* Learning about freaks in our schools!

* Freaks have the power to control my medical career, my body, my church real estate, blah blah blah.

And the response to all of this will be. "We're not freaks. We're white, cisgendered, middle class folk just like you and we just want our families recognized." And everyone who isn't white, middle class, cisgendered, gender normative, conformative looking will get pushed around the corner and told to 'Shhh. We don't need you to be a distraction right now'.

And equal rights, equality itself, compassion and understanding and the necessity of basic human rights just fall through the cracks, or get shoved there.

I guess this post is me saying I can't see much difference anymore between the people like those represented in the ad, and the people who claim to be representing me when they insist on showing just how similar they are to the hatemongers.

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Date: 11:32PM | Fri, November 21st | 2008
Subject: Things That Pissed Me Off
Security: Public
Tags:#queer issues: q is for queer, media: tv, wtf!!

Jason Momoa was attacked. The idiot who did it has been charged. He attacked Momoa with a pint beer bottle. To the face. The actor needed 140 stitches and reconstructive surgery. On one of the websites reporting it, someone claimed (in a comment to the news byte article) to be the brother of the attacker and claimed it was not an unprovoked attacked; Jason hit on his brother and his brother responded.

I don't know what offends me more.

That people think violence is excusable.

That people think violence as a reaction against a show of attraction by the same sex is excusable.

Or that people think claiming an actor is gay on a site talking about him being attacked and injured is daring. Because people think saying someone (an actor/celebrity) is gay, is a possible flame/insult.

Yes, I know trolls are trolls and say trollish bullshit. I understand this fact. On the internet one is anonymous and fools come out to play. But I'm still angry as fire and offended by it.

I have found out that an exec from SGA has spoken to Momoa and that he's fine and recovering and aware that his fans send him their well wishes. That's a comforting thought to me, because my first thought was Lisa Bonet going 'Oh fuck, baby, hot damn! What he did to you?!' And his child being terrified that Daddy looks so hurt.

ETA: Gay comment was comment & bottle to -face-

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Date: 02:26PM | Sun, November 16th | 2008
Subject: Deep Breath & Move On
Security: Public
Mood:incredulous incredulous
Tags:#queer issues: q is for queer, #race issues: general, personal is political

I think I need to disengage from the crazy woman. Because she's a patronizing idiot.


What needed to happen was what did. My dad said, "Oh for heaven's sake, Auntie. Nothing is going to happen!" And she listened because it came from someone she trusted.

I'm truly sorry that you see reaching out to people and building bridges as ass kissing. Perhaps you think I'm kissing your ass that I think that you are important to talk to? That I think we are on the same side and need to be able to work together?


Talking to a black woman about the tone of her argument and why can't she see reason about changing said tone in talking to her oppressors is not the smartest thing you have ever done in your life. Ever.

Though really, she started off comparing protest marches to KKK rallies. So right off the damn bat I saw the crazy and probably shouldn't have engaged in the first place. But you know, I think sometimes you just can't believe the crazy right in front of your eyes. I think the other thing was my disbelief that someone would actually bring the tone argument up during 2008 when we've HAD that discussion, not just about fandom and fannish things, but about the ELECTION OF THE POTUS. The whole damn world seemed to be having that conversation.

Willow's thoughts on tone.

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Date: 12:57AM | Sun, November 16th | 2008
Security: Public
Mood:outraged outraged
Tags:#queer issues: q is for queer, personal is political

For the record. My journal is not the place to espouse the POS Argument that sweet talk and white family values will win voters to equal marriage, equal rights.

The suffragettes weren't nice and polite and trying to win men to let them vote. They starved. They chanted. They walked. They shouted.

Blacks in America didn't get anywhere by waiting for Mr. Whitey to decide they were worth being treated equally. They fought. They're still fighting, everyone of recent (historically) African heritage/descent is still raising voice and raising money and trying to raise hope.

The colonies of Britain in the West Indies did not say "Pretty please give us self determination and independence while we live quiet lives like you want us to live."

Ghandi's fasting? Was an act of PROTEST.

Nelson Mandela is A MAN OF PROTEST.

The women risking cruel brutal death in Afghanistan by living their daily lives and doing their jobs, THEIR HEARTS BEAT EVERY MOMENT IN PROTEST.

Anyone who compares the lifting of voice and showing of presence in protest against a wrong, as being akin to a KKK KLAN RALLY is sick in the head and full of privilege and needs to get the hell off my side.

And my comment to her?

I'm not nice, I'm not friendly, I'm kind to who I choose and I'm sure as hell not ordinary. I should STILL have equality in who I decide to marry if I decide to marry. Equality isn't about being Miss Sunshine Cakes vs being Scrooge. It's about things being EQUAL for both because human beings are all equal.


A comment to someone in the threads over there. [info]ethrosdemon said within a comment:

I see no reason at all to tell US to pipe down and play nice when this same advice would never be given to a PoC or feminists (I hope) in the same circumstance.

My response:

Just so you know, people call PoC on 'tone' all the damn time.

- If you'd only come to me rationally and reasonably and not so angry and not calling me a bigot but saying my actions were bigoted, then I wouldn't have thought you were just another crazy angry black < insert gender here >.

- Why are you demanding something? Why can't you just ask? (Translation - Why you being so uppity darky?)

It's happened in fandom around fics, around shows, around things actors and producers have said, around art. It happens all the time. The argument about tone is a way of trying to make the person calling you on your bullshit feel guilty and PoC face it every day of their lives, not just online.

It's part of why I'm so amazingly disbelieving and pissed off at her thoughts. Cause I LIVE THIS SHIT and I know saying 'Please Massa Majority' hasn't won anyone jack shit but more boots to the face.

There is no reason to raise up a community or person who is groveling at your feet. In the eyes of the majority they're already where they belong.

PS: My response regarding tone.

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Date: 12:19AM | Sun, August 31st | 2008
Subject: Another random thinky thought
Security: Public
Mood:irked irked
Tags:#queer issues: q is for queer, #sexuality issues: gender

Has it ever been proposed to the people who claim that the transgendered are only reinforcing gendered stereotypes that perhaps, just perhaps the reason it seems that way is because our society places so much emphases on said stereotypes? So that the young man looking to confirm and affirm himself as a young man has nowhere to look as to how to do that BUT stereotypes? And maybe as he grows more comfortable with himself his focus will be more on who he is as an individual who's growing and learning and less on how to continually stamp into the cosmos the awareness that he is male?

Has it ever been proposed that the young woman, looking to affirm and confirm herself as a young woman (or older woman for that matter) clutches to gender stereotypes because in a society so obsessed by them; to be female but not 'female enough' is a dangerous and often deadly situation?

But what does it matter to them, right? Those people who refuse to accept individuals as they present themselves / as they are - it's all just theory to them anyway. Right?

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Date: 06:12PM | Thu, May 15th | 2008
Subject: California Here They Come...
Security: Public
Mood:bouncy bouncy
Tags:#queer issues: q is for queer, about the world, socio-political

And other made up lyrics :)

"The California Supreme Court has engaged in the worst kind of judicial activism today, abandoning its role as an objective interpreter of the law and instead legislating from the bench," said Matt Barber, policy director for cultural issues for the group Concerned Women for America, in a written statement.

Ok, y'know what I don't get? I don't get that. Since when has voting for something that oppresses the minority ever really worked? How does the oppressed minority, get the non oppressed majority to favour them in passing a bill?

Aren't the Supreme Courts, isn't the court system, setting precedents one of the three balanced prong of America's governing system?

And 'abandoning its role as an objective interpreter of the law' ??? How does it get more objective than saying; people are people, these things do not make this group of people, less than people, so we're going to treat them like PEOPLE!

And this? 'We know that it's in the best interest of children to be raised with a mother and a father.' Does this mean they're ok with single women having abortions? Since the child won't grow up with a mother and a father? Because I sure don't hear that argument in the midst of all the pro and anti.

I mean, last I looked they'd renamed late term abortions as partial birth as if they were getting marketing ideas from the director of the SAW movies.

So can a single woman get an abortion and be in the right in their eyes if she says 'There will be no father. This would be a radical and deplorable experiment in child raising!'

Also, are they coming to take children away from Aunts, Uncles, Grandparents, Cousins & In-Laws, because those aren't 'a mother and a father' households?

Then again they say 'To use children as guinea pigs in radical San Francisco-style social experimentation is deplorable.' So maybe they will. Maybe these anti equal marriage folk are models overflowing with the milk of human kindness, in a balanced and seemingly blessed marriage with their opposite sex partner and everything is perfect except for their horrid childlessness.

Oh wait. Milk of human kindness includes compassion.

*looks at foster care system*

*looks at orphanages full of abandoned aids babies*

*looks at gay couples who've been together 30 and 40 yrs*

Yeah... I'm not seeing any compassion.

*toots a horn* Queers Marrying Queers EVERYWHERE. Yay California!

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Date: 10:45AM | Thu, October 11th | 2007
Subject: Ahoy National Coming Out Day
Security: Public
Tags:#queer issues: q is for queer, #sexuality issues: general, about me, apartment of lies

I be queer.

And in non rainbow related news - more stuff about me )

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By Any Other Name
of Willow
January 2016