By Any Other Name
the tale of Willow

Date: 03:38PM | Mon, February 6th | 2012
Subject: Pondering Perspectives {Triggers}
Security: Public
Tags:#s is for survivor

Just got a reminder, that as open as my journal, and many journals are - it can give someone the impression they know everything that's going on. Someone just commented to me, about feeling uncomfortable with me, due to a disagreement I had last year with a friend, in comments to a post, about sexual assault/abuse. What was and wasn't cleared up in that comment conversation on my journal, happened in private. As were the arguments and discussions on that topic before that post. Still, people do judge on what they see - and someone's judging me and that's fine. The post by the way? Was titled: This Is About Me. Only Me. There Is Stimuli & I Have A Reaction. This Is Purely About Me. Last time I didn't warn for possible triggers. Last time I was using my journal for therapy, as I do. This time, possible triggers.

The person, I believe, left iJay behind and forgot to sort out who could read/and or reply to what on their DW. People should be more careful about that. Then again, it lessens the opportunities to pull a big 'OMG! I was shocked, SHOCKED at your reaction. Please don't ever darken my doorway again!' - **pearl clutch**

I am still, straight up unapologetic about processing my own damn feelings on my own damn journal. Then, and later when I figured out I was having abreaction to the topic. And always, for that matter. I will not apologise for using this space, my space, for sorting out my own feelings. And I am not going to apologise if those feelings don't match what other people think I'm 'supposed' to feel. If they want 'supposed to', they can watch television. It's not real and can fit set parameters.

So this is house cleaning, of a sort. If you missed the defriending and unclick the box. Here's a reminder, for both here on iJay and on DW. I repeat, if people have formed some idea of who I am, and I say something that shocks and surprises them, and they don't ponder the dichotomy but walk away thinking 'Oh, that's her true face!' - that's on them.

Cut here and now for the sake of someone I love deeply, whom I DO NOT want to trigger. Cause I know what mental state they're in right now )

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Date: 04:22PM | Sun, August 7th | 2011
Subject: Just Before I Fell Asleep
Security: Public
Tags:#s is for survivor, about me, health: emotional, health: mental

So I write it down here quickly before I forget; I've been teasing out my anger over certain issues, just kind of poking it once I admitted it was there. And I've realized that yes, the cookie seeking was annoying me and the OH NO! NOT IN OUR COMMUNITY was some seriously annoying BS. I don't walk around thinking that ever, about any damn space. So, that was a measure of privilege that was just jabbing me. But, the anger had more to do with me (as I had originally suspected and put in my title and mentioned); and I've begun to suss out why.

I am angry at my past and what I went through and the hoops I was made to jump through, some of which I've spoken about here or to individual people who might possibly read this. I was remembering those hoops and the questioning and the disbelief. And my anger, which had never been at the survivor (other than my confusion at letting other people speak for them and people using the term victim // **rolls eyes at the people who betrayed my trust, in them**) but that the times and circumstances did not allow for me (and many many others, and STILL many others) to remotely get that support. Any support.

You shouldn't have to belong to a particular community and one feeling shocked 'that such things could happen to one of them' - in order for people to wake up to boundary crossing and moral impasses and ethical no'es. I know I mentioned my rage at it all. At what wasn't happening and what was happening. At the unfairness. And now I can consciously pinpoint it all down; That feeling of betrayal I'm currently feeling due to .... circumstances. It's very close to what I felt then. And when I pondered why I felt betrayal, boom. Memories.

It was a kind of jealousy. But it was also an abreaction*. Which would explain why my subconscious knew I had to write it out, in order to work through it. And this is my processing space; to say I'll write some things pflocked - they don't actually get written. Cause my brain will think it might as well as just be thoughts in my head.

In other related news; Yes. Betrayal. I am really really angry and sick and tired of people who befriend my littles and then walk away from them. Little kids don't need abandonment issues. They didn't do anything wrong. It's an issue between adults (mostly). But then again, that boils down to being treated like a singleton when I'm not.

To folks who've worried; I'm, ok I'm not doing ok. But I'm not dead or dying or gonna die, I don't think. I just feel like crap, utter, utter, horrible, sun luke warmed crap. But I know theoretically, that if I put one foot in front of the other, I can manage this. I'm just in shock and hurt, and the littles feel betrayed and I'm doing that mental wrestling about if it's worth it to let people in. And I'm exhausted and depressed.

* -- *

*Abreactions don't seem to have good definitions in or Wikipedia. My former therapist explained it to me as an emotional flashback. And a flashback was precisely what I'd been experiencing; intrusive thoughts, wellspring of emotions I couldn't find the corners to deal with, and of course no idea what I was feeling was then and not so much now. Considering I didn't have therapy this week (Dr. Yoda's on vacation), the fact that I figured this out on my own feels big.

It also hammers home to me I (still) don't regret at all writing what I did and that the various leaps to judgement over a person's feelings, just adds more trauma to someone already experiencing a trauma. Yes, someone else's violation affected me. And I wrote about it affecting me. I didn't 'make their violation all about me'. It could NEVER BE ALL ABOUT ME. I could only ever react to and deal with and wrestle with my own stuff. It's that whole thing where actions in a world have context and ripples and are never done in utter vacuum isolation. If that wasn't a factor there wouldn't have ever been that reaction of 'Oh noes! Not in our community'.

Oh yeah. And the door is STILL over there. Uncheck the box as needed.

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Date: 07:51PM | Fri, November 19th | 2010
Subject: Picking Out The Blue M&M's
Security: Public
Mood:exhausted exhausted
Tags:#privilege(s), #s is for survivor, #social justice issues

A little blonde, blue eyed girl child likes Star Wars. Boys at her school tell her different. She starts wanting to take a pink water bottle to school. Her mother has means and opportunity to write about it all in an editorial for a Chicago news source. People write in, email in, sign up for accounts to comment, news travels to Star Wars peeps who do things, want to send things etc... BUT...

But I find myself wondering about the little girls and boys who aren't white, who get told there's no one in Star Wars like them, or that they have to be an alien to count. And while I don't begrudge a child, I begrudge the system that makes me wince knowing that if it wasn't a little blonde, blue eyed child, with a parent with means and access - it'd just be one more smear of bullying on a family's attempt to survive.

I've done a lot of thinking on my own about consumerism, the pressure to push gender biased on things, etc. But the books I read didn't discuss what it's like dealing with those messages and not being white. What it's like dealing with bootay in thongs in rap videos, and being black. Or what it's like that there are girls who fall all over themselves over Bishies, but ignore actual Asian boys.

I can't go 'Geek Girls Unite' just like that. I actually feel somewhat angry at being asked to jump while asking 'how high'.

And I can feel the exhaustion hitting already at the thought of idiots gong 'Why are you bringing race into this blah blah ignorance cakes'.

ETA: Comment I left elsewhere

I had not considered 'coddling' as the reason I was so twinge-grr about it all. I thought it had lots to do with her looking the part of blonde, blue eyes, chubby rosy cheeks - which people like to believe is the only way to be ALL AMERICAN. AND then treating her tenderly BECAUSE she's a girl.

And me thinking of all the other kids who just have to -deal- with stuff like that, sometimes harsher, where their parent can't go call for help on a system with loads of viewers and basically go 'Here, make my kid feel better, internet'

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Date: 04:55PM | Fri, February 19th | 2010
Subject: Because I Do
Security: Public
Tags:#disability issues, #s is for survivor

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Date: 06:17PM | Wed, February 17th | 2010
Subject: Important Point
Security: Public
Mood:loathing you arrogant sons of bitches loathing you arrogant sons of bitches
Tags:#s is for survivor

There are a lot of people angry and upset about Amanda Palmer's new act and her and her partner's treatment of disability. There are a lot of people angry at how casually she's dismissed concerns by not just People With Disabilities but Feminists With Disabilities.

But in all the hub-bub about her 'All press is good press, woo me!' personal masturbation PR campaign, I only learned about the supposed child sexual abuse of her made up conjoined twins now.

Someone doing performance art about child sexual abuse they have not endured, which includes performance art on being disabled which they also have not experienced, hits me harder. Survivorship of child abuse is not something someone who hasn't experienced it should be doing performance art about. When you're going to discuss this topic, you do your damn homework. You consider who it'll hurt and who it'll harm and what misconceptions you might be putting out there that can end up convincing a child that all they have to do is be strong enough to survive it.

I'm gravely disappointed that Neil Gaiman doesn't get that in the midst of his support for his fiancée. But I've no problem dropping yet another white male writer off my shelves. Less books to dust.

I just want to make the note that there are two communities being affected by Palmer and Webley's act. And I'm part of the community that's not as noisy in getting heard.

ETA: Link to a FWD entry on the topic.

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Date: 03:51PM | Fri, July 10th | 2009
Subject: Cause It's On My Mind
Security: Public
Tags:#s is for survivor, fandom: culture, wth?

Dear [info]liviapenn,

I keep waiting to see a post from you apologizing for that whole thing where you acted like an asshole in regards individuals with triggers. I haven't seen anything yet from your journal. Is it your intention to go down (in history/fan history/my mind/the minds of those people you offended) as BEING an ASSHOLE?


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Date: 11:19AM | Mon, July 6th | 2009
Subject: Monday *stab stab stab*
Security: Public
Mood:upset upset
Tags:#s is for survivor, former roomate/boston wife, i will cut somebody, things that suck

Day so far.

1. Get up, read flist, see the word 'remix' and have it actually log into my brain.

2. Go to Zvi's website, can't find anything, remember she moved it all to AO3.

3. Go to AO3 thinking to peruse the list and see if there's the slightest thing I might be able to handle to remix for her for traditions and love's sake and as a round about 'we're cool now'.

4. Run smack into 'Choose Not To Warn' and realize I cannot read a single one of her fics in order to remix anything for her the way I have in the past.

5. Get upset and angrier; at Zvi, and at circumstances. (Though really she made a decision to choose not to warn, that that affects an aspect of our relationship is secondary. )

6. Get triggered by my own anger at feeling this upset over someone I consider(ed) close.

7. Give up completely on a DW reading list. Say 'Suck it World. Suck it Zvi!' and go find something soothing to watch/rewatch. Hopefully with breakfast.

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Date: 04:48PM | Tue, June 30th | 2009
Subject: My Thoughts On Yaoi
Security: Public
Tags:#s is for survivor, about me, fandom: gen, multiple me, thinky thoughts

Some weird little thoughts... about sex, manga, fiction, tropes and other stuff.

Note: This entry was attempted for the second time, on June 23rd, 2009, (can't find the info for the first attempt). It was semi inspired by the discussion on warnings and what that did to my brain. And semi inspired by metaphorically tripping over Bara when trying to clean up my feedreader. This rambling of my mind discusses anxiety and triggery concepts to do with abuse.

--- )

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Date: 07:04PM | Thu, June 25th | 2009
Subject: Not A Fragile Little Buttercup!
Security: Public
Mood:irate irate
Tags:#disability issues, #disability issues: mental health, #s is for survivor, #sexuality issues: general, discussion: warnings, wth?

I'm sure [info]ficsafezone is extremely well intended. But reading the community's profile left me uneasy/pissed off/cold.

I recognize that what set me off might not set anyone else off. That said - Fuck!. We're survivors not victims.

I'm a survivor, not a victim and I sure as hell don't appreciate the formation of group effing therapy, unliscenced and unmoderated in my hobby. I am not going to stick a patch on my forehead that says 'Abuse Survivor' so it becomes the first word/phrase that defines me sense of self. Joining a community and listing the things that send me curling into a ball and hugging a stuffed animal, so someone can judge if my pastime is safe enough for me?

Screw You - It's Easier To Leave )

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Date: 10:47PM | Wed, June 24th | 2009
Subject: I Think I Just Put Managed To Have THOUGHTS About This
Security: Public
Tags:#disability issues, #disability issues: mental health, #s is for survivor, #sexuality issues: general, discussion: warnings, thinky thoughts

That is, thoughts that weren't cuss words up and down, around and upside down of a titanic load of people.

And of course it happened in a comment, so:

Willow has thoughts about the lack of comprehension, shaming and ablist attitudes on the anti-warning crowd.

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Date: 12:21PM | Wed, June 24th | 2009
Subject: I'm Not Reading Fic In Order To Keep Myself Safe
Security: Public
Mood:pissed off pissed off
Tags:#disability issues, #disability issues: mental health, #s is for survivor, #sexuality issues: general, about me, discussion: warnings, fandom: culture, things i loathe

This title is both tongue in cheek and true. Not Really Feeling Considerate But WTF )

Fucking Hypocrites.

Hi, my name is Willow. This is me NOT making friends and NOT influencing people. Unclick the ticky. 0 to pissed off in 20 minutes of writing.

ETA: 4.04pm - Still mad. Still upset.

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Date: 04:48PM | Tue, June 23rd | 2009
Subject: Warnings / Triggers / Insensitive People
Security: Public
Mood:upset upset
Tags:#disability issues, #disability issues: mental health, #s is for survivor, #sexuality issues: general, discussion: warnings, micropost

Can't read anymore links or entries, even to figure out if it's a true quote of people I know, like, love, respect. I'm in tears and I'm doing 'as suggested' and looking out for me. May also just ban the lot so I feel safe in my personal journal which is apparently the only space I should ever expect to be safe (but being me, I'm still keeping this a safe space for others, so in future don't think you can peddle your racism, homophobia, transphobia, etc here ).


A Question

From ZVI: I guess I don't understand why it's so terrible to ask the author or a friend (or a reviewer if you read about a story through a review), "Does this story contain X?" if X is a problem for you. As I understand it, people who want warnings do not, in the general case, want to make stories that contain X go away. They don't want to deal with X themselves. So, asking about X creates and destroys no X content. It just helps people not be triggered, without changing the author's presentation of the story for everyone else.

If you want to know, ask the author. Isn't a warning the author pre-answering the pre-asked question from a prospective reader, already? And doing it for all prospective readers instead of one at a time? Filling their inbox? And answering specifically so that the reader doesn't have to go down through a list of:

Short list of possibly triggery questions )

Is the point of asking meant to be some backhanded way of checking reader count and getting feedback?

Apparently I'm calmer and the tears have dried, but I'm no less upset and confused.

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Date: 11:26AM | Tue, June 23rd | 2009
Subject: A Personal Note: My Thoughts On Warnings/Triggers Etc...
Security: Public
Tags:#disability issues, #disability issues: mental health, #s is for survivor, #sexuality issues: general, discussion: warnings, fandom: culture, fanfiction, thinky thoughts

I've been more meta than fic writer for a while, and then skimming on the edges of media fandom (having been more involved for a time in comics fandom) and I am someone who can be triggered by certain things. But I have no idea if I've ever warned for stuff myself.

I want to think that my WIP's which were the fics I think dealt the most with dark themes were warned for before I posted them, all the way back, to the yahoo grouplist. But I was a total newbie to fandom then and was following form while not yet understanding function.

I know I was flummoxed about warnings when I transferred my first batch of fic to AO3 (haven't been back since, more's the pity). But even though that was just earlier this year, and only a few months ago, I think I was flummoxed because I had;

a) no idea really that warnings were meant to prevent and protect from triggers

b) had the idea that warnings were about squicks/kinks and character deaths.

Which seems odd when I think about it, because I do rely on friends (one mainly) to recc fic for me that I think I can handle, but I hadn't thought about why I needed that. I didn't think that h/c SGA fic was triggering, I just knew it made me feel irrationally upset, emotionally over-wrought and not worth the effort of reading them given how it affected me for the rest of the day or week.

And this while I'm in and have been in therapy for several years and am aware of triggers. I think of triggers as outside things that screw me up more than I can ground for; of certain noises, certain scenarios I might find myself in.

Focused on being present in my life and living, in the here and now, and functioning, I don't think I've consciously thought about why I avoid some television shows and why some books have become so abhorrent to me.

The more entries pop up on my flist about warnings and what people will and won't warn for; what they think will or won't be upsetting to another person has me thinking and realizing that if I, someone in therapy, aware of other triggers in my life, haven't thought about fic as more than a squick, more than knowing straight up that noncon and twincest/incest upset me - what about people who haven't had the chance to analyze their triggers at all?

And then what about discovering new triggers? Sometimes a smell can be laden with emotion I then have to climb out from under and figure out how to deal with.

Aside: I'm not saying or meaning to imply somehow that romantic relationships in, or sexually explicit, fiction have been unconsciously triggering me given my meta thoughts on General Interest Fic. I don't know. I didn't think to look at it in that context.

This is not to say the world should cater to people who're triggered. Because that would be impossible, I believe. The best thing, I've been told, is learning to handle said triggers and sometimes that means minimizing exposure while working on it. Which makes warnings make sense to me.

What does confuse me is this sense that somehow a warning for something emotionally frought like death or rape or dysfunctional enough to involve incest is somehow giving away the story. That's what I get from a lot of what I've seen (links, comments etc), that somehow a story is more important than another fan's feelings and emotional history. That a few words to add to what are sometimes very bland summary descriptions, thus giving more context, are ruining the craft / the warp and weave of fannish ficdom; A double odd since the summaries of books are often longer than the summaries of fics three times as long.

I'm glad to see notes from some that the feelings and comfort levels of all fans matter and they want to find some system to be put in place that spreads out so that everyone knows; this is the system set up for dealing with the possibility of triggers.

I just find myself thinking of the last big "Recc/No Recc Reviews are Mean/Anti Nice" crackmania.

Recc/No Recc Reviews have been very helpful to me in the past and don't involve me dealing with an author directly (cold emailing someone to tell them their summary does not suffice and I need more info). Recc/No Recc Reviews feel like a stable system in addition to warnings. Especially since they tend to be done by people who like to read things and then review them for others.

But there are members of the fannish community who don't like Recc/No Recc Reviews either because it harshes their squee to know that somewhere, someone didn't like their story, didn't think their writing made it worth the effort to deal with the emotional commess of the plot, etc...

So what I gather is that there are a group of people who think warnings ruin the story, and who feel that written recc/no recc reviews ruin fandom and in between are people who find use for both in order to enjoy fandom, who're left to fall through the cracks. dislikeable to me.

Definitions: Recc/No Recc, when people recommend a story, or say they don't recommend it when posting reviews.

[ Comments Off. Not in the mood/in the space to host fannish discussion right now. Maybe later. Maybe never. ]

ETA: )

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By Any Other Name
of Willow
January 2016