By Any Other Name
the tale of Willow

Willow
Date: 02:08PM | Thu, September 8th | 2011
Subject: Huh
Security: Public
Tags:#sensuality issues: orientation, humans are weird, note to self

Emotionally Alluring != Sexually Attractive/ Sexual Attraction? I mean, well DUH now. But not, DUH last month or last year or 5 years ago. Instead of DUH, it was me thinking 1)everyone goes 'ooh wouldn't they be interesting to know', 2) but with more energy into all that honk honk, hubba hubba performance hoopla. Now I'm all 'Oops, s'not a performance exactly? It's somehow innate?'

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Willow
Date: 07:41PM | Tue, September 6th | 2011
Subject: Deconstructing Reality
Security: Public
Mood:emotionally exhausted emotionally exhausted
Tags:#sensuality issues: orientation, health: emotional, health: mental

You know the way in which you think everyone around you is just like you? I'm not talking about assuming everyone experiences the same thing you do and thus are just like you - or maybe I am and this is just another facet. What I'm slowly realizing is that I thought everyone performed sexuality; and thus I've always thought the reason trans individuals make the general public so uncomfortable, was that at their base, the fact that everyone was performing sexuality wasn't a thing to be mentioned or talked about and now here were people talking about not just the performance of sexuality but the performance of gender --

Wait, no. I think I thought everyone performed humanity, and humanity had subsets of performance; sexuality, gender, cultural identity and the like. There were things you put on, but weren't really a part of you. Like a ... Lego block that proclaimed you part of the human race and if you took the block off....

I've known, theoretically, that I was very, very, far away from, well, the world. And that I've gotten better. But I feel like this is yet another way in which it's hitting me just how very far away I've been. Here I am, thinking that part of behing human is acting in certain ways and no one's supposed to talk about the parts of themselves they perform vs the parts of themselves they just feel. And I never stopped to think about why I felt any of that - not even after years of therapy. It's so ingrained, I never thought about how many ways in which I tried to fit in, and what other ways I might have been trying, or unconsciously still trying.

It's all very....

I keep hitting the word 'puppy love' and my (feels like) lifetime loathing of it. This assumption that whatever you were feeling, if you were a certain age, it didn't count, couldn't be important, wouldn't really hurt if it were mocked or you lost that person, because well, you weren't capable of feeling the 'real' thing yet - whatever that was. I can remember telling myself, over and over again, that I would NEVER forget what it was to be a kid and so discounted, because I didn't want to do that to any children in my life (back then I thought I'd have children of my own).

I remember part of the reason I decided to just not listen to what my elders had to say about what they deemed 'homosexuality', was because they all, ALL OF THEM, had what I found to be very intimate same sex friends. Sometimes such friends were blood relations, sometimes they weren't part of the extended family that counted as family, blood relation or not; sometimes they were absolutely outsiders and it became a 'thing'.

Cause this probably needs a cut tag )

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Willow
Date: 10:54AM | Sun, September 4th | 2011
Subject: Is There Any Diversity Up In Here?
Security: Public
Mood:contemplative contemplative
Tags:#queer issues: q is for queer, #race issues: general, #sensuality issues: orientation, #sexuality issues: orientation

Where are the PoC Asexuals (on the internet)? Where are the discussions on intersectionality? Because I have to admit, I'm beginning to get kind of twitchy at what feels like a bunch of white people navel gazing and going "I'm more oppressed than you!" / "You are not more oppressed than us!" in the supposed Asexuals vs LGB(T) goings on I've found online.

I haven't even found much notes on age differences affecting things; generational gaps and understandings or misunderstandings or generational apprehension. I realized I just started looking at and looking for conversations. But uhm, I think I need some help?

Is there another name I should be looking for? The same way that SGL came up among AA Queers? Is there another term for Ethnic Minority Sexual Minorities? (Sexual Orientation Minorities? Relationship Minorities?)

I would really like to see some other points of view than twenty something white folk; or maybe it's just twenty something folk with semi limited life experiences outside their personal exploration of this particular topic?

I recognize that there is a certain amount of privilege involved in having time and space and lack of stress to ponder certain things; an ability not to be living hand to mouth, for one thing. The chance for relationships not to fall into us vs them, survival vs not; and for individuals to have had a chance to think on things at all. But I seriously doubt that it's only white folks pondering where they fit in in life, against the noises shouted at us via media and grooming consumerism demands. I know an indvidual or two, but that's not a community. Where is the community? Where are the thoughts? There has to be at least an NDN Asexual community somewhere, right?

And uhm, there's bound to be other minorities within this minority too, right? Where are the deaf asexuals? Or are they just not identifying themselves as such in the conversations I've found? Where are the disabled asexuals? Ollie ollie oxen free Asian gray a's? Where you at? Latino aromantics? Yoo hoo?! South Asian Demi's? Hello?! Where you hiding? I know you've got a voice.

Hmm. If more than dustbunnies and mothballs read my journal, I've a feeling my thoughts might be unpopular.

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Willow
Date: 09:17PM | Tue, August 30th | 2011
Subject: Notations: Stumbling Towards Vocabulary
Security: Public
Tags:#queer issues: q is for queer, #sensuality issues: orientation, #sexuality issues: general, about me, note to self

2009: Random: Loneliness

2010: Not Rushing To Either Sex or Climax

2011: Chewing On Thoughts

2011: Vulnerability, Sexuality, Sensuality: Or Things That Have Made Me Feel Like A Freak (aka DemisexualDemiromantic Is A Word)

Note to self: REREAD YOUR JOURNAL. Apparently you try to tell yourself things and then totally forget them/ they sink beneath the waves of psyche. I can't believe I forgot 'psychic road rash'. How do you forget such a phrase?

Next thing I know, I'll find things from 2009 and further back. Really, how long have I been hopscotching towards a vocabulary?

ETA: 2009 link (w/ Elynross)

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By Any Other Name
of Willow
January 2016