By Any Other Name
the tale of Willow

Willow
Date: 07:31PM | Tue, May 8th | 2012
Subject: Things Make A Post - Maybe
Security: Public
Mood:indescribable indescribable
Tags:*sigh*, i hate people, pain scale 6.5, pain scale 7, wth?

Have discovered one source of pain; not THE source. But A source. Apparently my clothes are just a little too big. A little too big enough that I'm trapping limbs in them when I sleep, putting enough pressure and friction on them, that I wake up with sore spots and (before now) no idea why. And as joints with their convenient bendy points, capture fabric; it's been bizzare to have both random spots of burny soreness and pain and what felt like bruising. And what felt like very odd joint issues. Am I doing the same thing when I'm awake? I don't know. But I definitely do not self-correct/self-adjust in sleep. I think my sleeping self just deals with pain by not moving the limb; which might not help much if the pain is caused by it being trapped.

In other news, this severe weather alertness; barometer up to 30 and 31 is also contributing to pain and the end result is, my sleeping schedule is all messed up; a combination of taking things for the pain, and just not wanting to be awake (unconscious thoughts) when I feel like crap. Also, having to be horizontal to deal with the pain, just sends me to sleep. I've spent YEARS training myself that that position is FOR sleep. So... uhm... The opposite of insomnia? Or a little offshoot of same?

Cat is a demanding furball as ever; pet me, feed me, love me, groom me.

I... I've been avoiding answering my phone for a few days. I am so damn grateful right now for texting. I just texted my mother; cause she left an 'OMG I Didn't Hear From You!' Even though she called me on Sat. And then forgot to call me back. But texting means I don't have to deal with her when I'm avoiding people. Why am I avoiding people? I'm not certain about that one. I just am. I'm proud of myself for checking messages. It's probably pain related. Lately it feels like I think I've discovered the why of something, and a few hours later; there's another aspect to it all. All this... pain... stimuli.

In fact I've been feeling a little on edge and wary of things in general; this close to being over-stimulated by the stress and unhappy (and ismist) crap in the world. I need to find some more joys. I have a few little spots; but I definitely need more so I don't feel like a walking wounded raw nerve - when I'm conscious of how I'm feeling. I'm finding myself very, very amazed that people who are all in their feelings, all the time, simultaneously and also have time to do other things. How do you do that? I find it exhausting; feeling things, processing the feelings, recognizing what I can do something about and what I can't. So much stimuli. Is it as exhausting/energy using up when it's all good? Cause spending good times with ppl I care about also drains me; though so far that's included a bit of travel and other adjustments. But damn.

If this is a case of 'I need a higher dosage of my current thyroid medication' - I should probably leave the house tomorrow for a same day appt, with a hopefully non sucky medical practitioner and start that ball rolling. But right now? I am so heavily into eff the world. Heavily into it.

And that's not even counting my sudden dislike of chicken. Maybe I made too much soup this past week? Maybe it's getting warmer and my body wants different fare? That's possible, right? My body does recognize two seasons, and the heat of 'dry' usually means light, quenching food? Or at least, lots of mauby. Annnnd now I'm missing peanut drink so hard, and doubles and phalourie - though, if I had the energy I could probably make some of those. I'm not allergic, I don't think, to split pea flour.

Oh! And a friend offered to get me a medical alert... thingie. And I've been spending ages trying to decide what I really want and would likely always wear/be unlikely to forget or resent - cause what I find pretty and what works for me, is not always the same thing. And I think right now I'm pouty because what might actually wear might be too expensive for me to feel comfortable accepting as a gift. So... Mental processing for that too. Also? I've mentioned before that OMG so few lines to mention so many things? (3 lines, 22 characters?) -- Hmmmm.

Also have I mentioned how much I long for the ability to pick up the phone and order delivery as both perk and treat and not having to cook when my brain isn't into it and what I have in the house I'm so not feeling? And having it be corn free, gluten free, nightshade free, dairy free, nitrate free, sulphite free and egg free? As just the basics?

**flops**

And I don't think I have enough carbs currently in the house; since the supermarket last month sent me bananas instead of plantains and I cannot bring myself to eat the remainders; especially considering I've only ever liked my bananas yellow-green and these are definitely not greenish.

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Willow
Date: 07:49PM | Sun, March 4th | 2012
Subject: Allergy Oops
Security: Public
Tags:*headdesk*, *sigh*, food + me, food allergies

So there's the bit with Goya (may contain wheat and soybean). But guess who bought Paprika and Red Pepper Flakes on SALE on Friday, without really thinking about what they are? Yuuup, that would be me. So all the itching, in particular torso itching, and the swollen arms and cheeks and eye stuff I've been wondering about / worried about? Guess who just had to take ___dryl? Yuuuup, that would be me.

Hopefully now the hard swollen stomach will disappear, and the achy joints and listlessness and difficulty breathing I hadn't even been thinking about; which I just figured was costochondritis, without even thinking about WHY it's suddenly acting up after months of leaving me the eff alone.

Ugh, and this swelling? I'd been ignoring it, trying not to triggered disordered food habits, body issues, cause clothes I'd put on on Friday? Sat morning were feeling tight. And this morning? EVEN. MORE TIGHT. Which makes sense if I'm all swollen and puffed out like a (n allergy reacting) balloon.

This might be partially a non singleton brain thing. But right now, I'm also thinking it's only been a year since I started catching a clue. Probably not even 6 months since I caught more of a clue. And this might just be the learning curve of not immediately going 'Oooh sale!', and remembering I don't use those products anymore.

But Oh my STARS. I miss pepper. I didn't even realize how much I missed pepper. I need pepper alternatives people. My mouth is all - but why? Why is the pepper gone?

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Willow
Date: 10:43PM | Thu, September 29th | 2011
Subject: CheeseGrater Microagressions of Popular Culture
Security: Public
Tags:#disability issues, #wtf the isming!, *sigh*

Earlier today I came across the phrase 'Don't go all spergy on me'. And it took me all of a second to go 'WTF?!'. And I realized, my not liking people? Means I live a pretty damn sheltered life. Cause I didn't know what to do with that. I couldn't believe I'd heard that. And then I found myself thinking about how many times a day I read the word 'lame' online. Or hear it. So I really shouldn't be surprised. And yet, I was.

Stupid, huh. Being surprised at that.

Isn't disliking people supposed to give me a tougher, less surprised outer shell?

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Willow
Date: 05:04PM | Thu, August 4th | 2011
Subject: So I hurt. I'm exhausted. It's been... a week and then some.
Security: Public
Mood:this shit? seriously? this shit? seriously?
Tags:#social justice issues, *sigh*

Being dumped sucks. Yes, I can know it was going to happen - while in the middle of a discussion, still think my stance is worth it, and still feel hurt by it. But, enough about that. Here I C/P a comment I got about my shock at Jim Butcher Being a Privileged Racist Asshole. Because I do not have the energy to point out all the wrongness in the statement. If you know me, or have a clue, I'm sure you'll see for yourself. Feel free to bring out a red pen.


Anonymous (from 67.180.84.91) said:

"No offense, but i'm not sure that's fair. the initial accusation accused him of being uncomfortable in the neighborhood due to race, when if you check crime statistics the area actually did have a great deal of crime in the time the book was written, meaning that it could have been due to the crime *(my mother grew up in park slope, which was extremely violent during the 70s and as such would have been scary to anyone be they white or poc.) He also acknowledged that he does sometimes drop the ball, but feels that due to the fictional nature of the work expecting the work to completely match up to the original source is kind of silly (he actually has made jokes about particularly egregious mistakes of his, and admitted that at the time he wrote most of the early ones he was grappling multiple jobs and grad school). It is technically possible to make an accuation of racism that is illegitimate, and by and large the poc in his books have been pretty positively portrayed (the villains are pretty much all caucasian). And I understand that the tone argument can be used badly but it is possible to angrily call out a person for being racist while not just shouting insults. It's human nature that whenever a person is debating someone else, the other person will subconciously use the insults to try to ignore the person's point. This goes for pretty much any topic. It isn't fair or logical, but it is unfortunately human nature. Being overly abrasive does turn people off. I remember in one book it was said that the reason Jesse Jackson failed to win the candidacy for the democratic party was because while he did make good points the nagging somewhat scolding way he did ineviatably turned people off.) It's not the most logical weakness but it is understandable. Giving up on the whole series because of a legitimate weakness prevalent in most humans is a little unfair "


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Willow
Date: 01:24PM | Wed, July 27th | 2011
Subject: Not Really A Choice At All
Security: Public
Mood:cranky cranky
Tags:*sigh*, about me, health: physical

Would I, if I could, trade chest joint pain and/or shoulder joint pain for skin tingly itching as the way my body chooses to respond to a high barometer, coming thunderstorms and possible high humidity? No. I'd rather not have either. But apparently someone made a choice and nothing I did late last night would soothe it but constant rubbing (rubbing, not scratching, cause that would only cause harm). Now I ponder if I'll need a new scale. If this is the result of paying daily attention to and logging my pain - my brain got innovative.

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Willow
Date: 02:09PM | Sat, April 2nd | 2011
Subject: Further Adventures In Willow Catching A Clue
Security: Public
Mood:nauseated / grumpy nauseated / grumpy
Tags:*sigh*, errands: online, food

1. Cookbooks Are Not Dictators.

Now, while this might seem pure common sense to most, it hasn't been for me. I realized sometime this week/last night that even though I did consider modifying recipes, when I saw them, for my own tastes; I had not considered that people might buy cookbooks ANYWAY, even if the recipe wasn't exact, in order to remind themselves of a dish.

Then again, maybe people don't do that. Maybe they only buy a cookbook if they like every recipie. And it is not at all like how I only buy cd albums if I like 75-80% of the songs, so I feel I get my money's worth.

Anyway, I'm not sure I want to buy cookbooks - mostly for money reasons. I do think I want to flip through them, however and get ideas. And that it is okay to get ideas. And frankly I need some help with food ideas, because I do get stuck in ruts, get bored and then (very much like a child) don't want to see the food for months, possibly years.

2. In other, other news: the pot/cookware set I'd wanted last year is no longer available by Amazon, so I'd have to use a merchant and pay for shipping. On the other hand, I'm now oddly more confident they are exactly what I want. It only took me a year to shake out my fears and misapprehensions about a/the purchase. Of course I really have to buy it very very soon, because last night's dinner attempt, which I was initially quite proud of, had spots that tasted of soap. And now more bits today taste of soap - which is an awful lot of food wasted because the pot can't get free of soap; even after boiling water clean.

Why must life be so expensive? Tra and la. Guess today equals a lot of yogurt (implode the dairy free), since even trying to pick at the parts that may not be soap flavoured makes me want to hurl.

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Willow
Date: 06:48PM | Mon, January 31st | 2011
Subject: Rss + Friends Filters
Security: Public
Mood:miserable miserable
Tags:*sigh*, health: physical, online: journaling systems

I'm thinking they don't work too well, do they. Unless you have a a desktop reader maybe? That does auth=digest? So the feed is being read as through your account, thus counting your account into the filter and thus allowing you to read flocked things? This sucks, cause sometimes I only want particular people knowing certain details of my life (like why I'm miserable right now, for instance) and they may never see the posts in question. [Meanwhile I have issues w/ my filters on iJay - ugh]

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Willow
Date: 10:19PM | Mon, January 24th | 2011
Subject: Well Crap (Being Human - Maple!Version)
Security: Public
Tags:*sigh*, things that suck, tv

I got bored by 15 minutes in and had to force myself to keep watching. I guess that's the thing about pilots; they're like infants, and seeds and other beginnings, full of potential. This second episode felt like 12 years has passed, and what I had now was some proto-typical teenager from whom I was secretly begging the universe to prove to me had some sort of depth.

Spoilers )

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Willow
Date: 06:08AM | Mon, January 3rd | 2011
Subject: Well Darn, I need to buy a bed.
Security: Public
Tags:*sigh*

Let us not think of how long I've been so out of it/unaware/whatever I didn't realize this was the source of my growing discomfort. Let us instead focus on what the france I should do next. Is there anyone who reads my journal who uses an air mattress / inflatable bed ? I may need some time to save up for a more traditional mattress and an air mattress could help in the interim. Or are they even good enough as a permanent bed?

I remember using an air mattress about three or so years ago and I recall mainly disliking the built in air-pillows. Not comfy. But I didn't stay on it very long, a week maybe? Anyone else have any experience to offer up?

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Willow
Date: 10:57PM | Tue, August 24th | 2010
Subject: Forgot To Post This Last Night
Security: Public
Tags:*sigh*, games: dao

... )

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Willow
Date: 04:51PM | Tue, July 6th | 2010
Subject: How I Feel About Fandom (Right Now)
Security: Public
Tags:#social justice issues, *sigh*, community: fandom, fandom: culture

Fandom can be an amazing place. It has the potential to be an amazing place. I've learned so much, been exposed to much - who could have guessed? From indepth academic meta on Marlowe and Shakespeare to Critical Anti Imperialist Theory to the Invocation of Historical Repetitive Thematic Imagery & Statements in Storytelling to The Sexual Revolution & You. It can be this amazing place to grow and explore. I believe in Fandon U. And yet...

And yet...

The isms have been spraying all over the place like a viagra bukkake party. And no one seems to want to even say excuse me for hitting you with splooge. They grumble instead. They side-eye. They talk about schisming, and the olden days and PC Policing. There is lamentation that the space has slowly been acknowledging it is affected by the attitudes and policies of the rest of the world.

Sometimes my subconscious supplies musical bits of protest to go along with all the crap I keep seeing; Integration No! Segregation Forever!. It feels a fitting match for the declaration of continued safe space for privilege & continued dehumanizing and uncaring of others.

There's so much; Why are they speaking up now? They never had a problem before! Some people are just looking for things to be offended by! This is all a grudgematch! Grudgewank! They're trying to destroy fandom by watering it down! They're trying to destroy fandom by making things impossible! They want too much!

I've never seen so many people complain so hard about not being written off; about their peers trying to engage them. In my exhaustion it's become amusing to see people huffing up indignant against being called out on things vs being written off as archaic and small-minded and being the part of humanity that needs to die off and drop to save the rest.

Would people rather be pushed into the category of hopeless cause - like the KKK and Tea Partiers? Apparently yes. Apparently it is less painful and discomforting for them to be written off than to be challenged to be as decent a human being as they think they are.

Because change is bad. And they've got their own - so let those others scrounge. And there are individuals behind the isming, delicate individuals who do not deserve upset. Because they're the victims here, they're being attacked by progress and revolution drains their spoons.

I appreciate fandom - but I am exhausted by seeing, time and time again, the scrabble to retain the status quo with intimidation & silencing to maintain power. Who knew Fandom wasn't an egalitarian University, but instead a cut-throat Principality and that anyone who disagreed with the majority automatically became a pleb and traitor.

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Willow
Date: 04:36PM | Thu, June 17th | 2010
Subject: Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha. Ha - ow, ow. Ow. Crapfail ow. Tears.
Security: Public
Tags:#social justice issues, *sigh*, -indescribable-

Promisethestars: May I ask, are you yourself Jewish? I wonder if that isn't perhaps that underlying cause of your anger towards me. If you aren't, is there some other personal reason that you are upset?


Oh Fandom.

You really are a reflection of society at large, aren't you. Not Special Even A Little Bit.

Big Bang apparently means a resounding explosion of FAIL.

Note: The previous quote is in response to someone pointing out the erasure of making a vocal and adamant Jew, into a Catholic Priest, for a fic. Is this what's meant by 'But in fanfic you can FIX IT ALL!'?

PS: Japanese Internment Camp AU.... ETA: Found not to be particularly faily.

Someone braver than me will have to read it- the cut tag of "Your name sounds Japanese. Your people belong here in this stupid shithole, not us Koreans. " is too much for me. I need to finish this laughing till I weep, shock and horror thing I've got going.

PPS: I see a mention somewhere, and I go 'nahh' and then I click because it needles at me, and then there it is. Big and bold. For real. No exaggeration. That isn't looking for something to be offended by. That's... no, that comment must be an exaggeration. That entry MUST be an exaggeration. And then it isn't.

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Willow
Date: 11:40PM | Fri, May 14th | 2010
Subject: Fandom. Kinkmeme. Racefail.
Security: Public
Tags:#race issues: fandom, *sigh*

Is still not going to harsh my GOOD MEDICAL APPOINTMENT GLOW! But yeah - how distanced am I from 'fandom' now? Is 2 and a half virtual miles enough? It seems like a lot, but it was all little steps back from the harsh burning of privilege and celebration of ignroance and now here I am.

Personal search tags: fandomsisfailing, dayendinginy

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Willow
Date: 07:57PM | Mon, May 10th | 2010
Subject: Sometimes It's The Little Things
Security: Public
Tags:#social justice issues, *sigh*

Caught the first few minutes of CSI: NY a night or so ago. One character was on their way to interview someone and another character wanted to tag along. Character 2 is black. Character 1 goes "Maybe you don't want to come because it's [this neo nazi person]". Character 2, the black character then goes "It's not my problem he's a racist. It's his."

...

...

Neo Nazis are NOT racists. They're EXTREME RACISTS.

But without pointing out their extremism, racist comes to automatically mean - white power loving, brown baby killing, malficient near non-human bully bogeyman.

And white people throw their hands up in the air and weep and get upset because 'OMG! They're calling me a racist! See how upset I am about that term? That PROVES I'm not a racist!"

This phenomenom, play on words, is not alone.

Terrorists with brown skin are never EXTREME FUNDAMENTALISTS. They're just terrorists with brown skin and that religion over there.

Terrorists without brown skin, are parts of militias and frustrated and misguided; somewhat troubled - it doesn't matter how many people they kill.

Unless everyone they kill is female - then there's suddenly a need to try and figure out just what was going on in their heads and how frustrated they may have felt with the female sex.

All of this is not news. It just hit me, again, why even casually watching a tv show hurts so damn much. I get all excited to see a bride in a wheelchair, and then I hear the language around it and I end up cringing when she says: "I thought my life was over and I'd never get married. Who would marry someone in a wheelchair. But my fiancee somehow saw past all that...[paraphrase]"

Then I turn around and see a lesbian couple on a show about multiple babies and find myself watching 30 mins of 'We white lesbians are just like white heterosexual couples with children. In fact we can even have a LOT of children [wink wink, arrow references]"

*sighs*

Dear characters in my head - you need to find some plots, because I am just too damn tired of all this purposeful invisibility of being made a 'shut in' due to the lack of me and people I know up on screen. Of having reality framed in a way to make others discard history and context and experience.

Just...

*sighs*

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By Any Other Name
of Willow
January 2016