By Any Other Name
the tale of Willow

Willow
Date: 01:08AM | Thu, April 7th | 2011
Subject: Some Thoughts
Security: Public
Tags:a bundle of thoughts, about me, food, food as good living, food as medicine, thinky thoughts

I don't often talk about my diet, what I'm eating, not eating. It can trigger things for me, I know it definitely triggers things for other people. I've been writing about it a lot more here in my journal; dealing with health issues and gluten intolerance and the possibility of celiac disease. I picked up some books from the library today, recipes, eating, diabetes. And flipping through a few, one thing hit me immediately - I started putting more carbs b ack into my diet because I was so hungry all the time without them. And I need to write this out, in hopes I remember to bring it up with a nutritionist who might give a damn.

More Food Talk )

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Willow
Date: 03:34PM | Thu, May 6th | 2010
Subject: Never Good Enough
Security: Public
Tags:a bundle of thoughts, about depression, about keeping house

Late the third week of May I have a housing inspection. Then there's a building inspection by a woman I absolutely loathe within the first two weeks of June. Next week I also have a doctor's appointment. At some point in the third week of May, Cleaners are coming over. Oh yeah and the landlady will be there for the inspections.

My nerves are shot, even as I look around and try to figure out what else I can do. I'm not too worried about the third week inspection - except for the landlady being there. And my freaking out at the thought of her judging how I live. And I say this knowing the cleaners will have shown up and got all the things I miss - like scrubing the tile counter-tops and mopping, etc.

I'm freaked out again about that other appt, by the woman who fined me. Because heaven help that someone had a bad year and couldn't unpack. Though having watched a little television, maybe she thought I was some sort of Hoarder. I mean she complained my counter-space wasn't clear enough which have me wondering to this day was she 'buying a house' or just making a general assessment.

Anyway, it's all effing stressful and yeah I'm going to be out of the house (even if just to the Burger King around th corner) when -she- shows up. But none of that changes me in this delicate balance of trying to watch my blood pressure, mind my health, balance discomfort, keep eating healthily, and looking around and around wishing I had more items to store things on/in.

It's a bitch and a half and why I haven't been talking much about personal stuff. Because it's basically all anxiety all the time. Oh yeah, forgot the part where I hadn't heard from my clinic's case management in weeks; no one returning phonecalls or dropped off handwritten messages. But now it's known I want a new doctor.... I got, this week, what I ended up thinking of as a bullying phone-call. It got me so anxious I got dizzy. So anxious I couldn't make it to therapy because that would involve walking past the case-management building. Ended up telling my therapist that if they're gonna try and bully me or play games and say I can't see him (the new guy) and have a different main doctor - that I had NOT bonded to him enough to actually give a damn. The time where they could hold my therapist hostage HAS PASSED.

Man, that was a blunt conversation on my end.

===

Anyway, I had some thoughts on judgement. How it's become easier for me to give myself some slack about what I can and cannot manage due to pain, exhaustion, fog, etc. But apparently that doesn't translate to how other people might judge me. And every time some people want to come into my house - I freak. It actually says a lot about who I can trust to be compassionate if I let someone into my home. How even typing that feels like I'm making excuses for not being perfect. And yet I'm aware perfection is a trap. But it still feels like making excuses for not wiping down the counter everytime I cook, not having enough places in the home to put everything so things don't end up looking overstuffed on shelves or having a 'place' on the countertop.

Has it gotten worse, my fears of judgement since last year, and the bitch from hell who got me so much in a tizzy I couldn't even explain how ill and exhausted I'd been as she threw around words like disgusting and how I didn't deserve to live here?

Ugh.

PS: I am STILL leaving a big ass note saying she MUST take off her shoes though.

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Willow
Date: 03:30AM | Fri, August 7th | 2009
Subject: What's On The News
Security: Public
Tags:a bundle of thoughts, question everything

So apparently some crazy white dude, upset with being a crazy, isolated white dude went on some kind of rampage and killed a bunch of women. Apparently he also had some fucked up ideas about race (enough to be mentioned on the news). And this is the most sensational part that's being discussed.

I am so effing glad I had to figure this out through two separate mentions on two separate blogs. Cause it's probably all over the tv, and blah blah blah.

One blog finds the man pitiable and thinks he identified in some ways with blacks. Another thinks his disdain goes further than even faux journalism (especially tv) dares mention, because of the lack of mention of black women. Oddly enough a commenter in the first blog I mention, pointed that out too, that he was obsessed with white women. That commenter, however, also pointed out that Nevada has prostitution and so does Cambodia. So I'm not thinking there's particular brilliance there.

Teabaggers, Birthers, Police Brutality, People Calling Universal Health Care Socialism (and apparently confusing it with Communism) - all not anything exactly miss worthy.

I am curious though - all those individuals who were breathes away from losing their homes and who had to watch banks be bailed out with millions (to go to bonuses) - is there anything on the news about them? Or uhm, the state of the highway system in the US? Or perhaps education?

I'm just curious

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Willow
Date: 09:50PM | Mon, May 4th | 2009
Subject: Testing Xposter
Security: Public
Tags:.deewee, .ijay, a bundle of thoughts, errands: house stuff, pain scale 3, xposted

Using the web access for typing in a journal entry is weird - which is odd since I occasionally do it for iJay. Anyway, currently testing the xposter.

Also imported my LJ and iJay to DW today. Because I had almost everything on LJ locked to private, I'm the only one seeing the multiple posts for 2002 to 2007. I plan to go through some time when I'm bored and do something so the stuff with comments can be seen. Right now, only my race stuff have comments that can be seen.

Part of me kind of doesn't care about unlocking the other stuff, that part is very small compared to the part of me that's kind of terrified now about how this all works access wise (I can't even remember how it worked for LJ-SEC). Filters and which entries will be seen by whom, blah blah blah.

It's a lot of worry for stuff several years past.

And of course now after the fact, do I think that maybe I didn't need to import anything from iJay but could simply have a link to my iJay archives somewhere on my profile. Blah argh, slow brain.

Speaking of, Denise has totally indoctrinated me into her cult. There were torches, baked goods and a multl tentacled, multi glowing eyed beast. There were also cats and secret handshakes; very Illuminati.

You may all weep for the lost of my individuality now.

Meanwhile due to Denise, I could actually get out of bed today and help Zvi with the third bookcase, which decided to mock us by messing up with the second shelf. Either I'll do it myself this week or Zvi will try to stop by next week. In the mean time I have shelves to organize and maybe a futon to move. I can at least plump the mattress again.

And oh! I plan to exhaust myself on Wed, by going to pick up a mattress cover. It might be very unfuton like to want a waterproof mattress cover. But I have a cat. And I'm fed up with washing it.

Have possible phone calls to make tomorrow.

Having filters in my brand new journal is oddly irking. I've deleted a few that don't factor, mostly reading filters. But without everyone on them over here, it's a little more complicated to figure out the reading access filters. Actually, considering my access policy, I kind of wonder if I could just make all my filters into access only. I had a lot of them done for varying degrees of 'how much do they know about me'. And right now, that's basically all taken care of with 'access / no access'. So aside from a tighter filter for personally identifying details, I don't have much need for access filters. Reading filters on the other hand - those would come in REAL HANDY.

I'm just saying.

Also, Tags need a drop down box.

And whoa, my iJay has more icons than my DW. It's odd having too little space after two years of having 500 slots available.

ETA: Xposter failed. The most obvious problem would be password. *goes to check*

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By Any Other Name
of Willow
January 2016