By Any Other Name
the tale of Willow

Date: 02:27PM | Mon, December 19th | 2011
Subject: So. Much. Arrgh.
Security: Public
Tags:about family

My mother does the same thing the doctors do sometimes. I mention I have a headache. She leaps to saying "Oh, it's your blood pressure, it's too high". Yes mom, you can tell this, without equipment, from 200 miles away, over the phone, based on one detail.

I have also realized, my mother has no real clue how the internet works, and she doesn't much care about trying to learn. She wants something done, she calls me, and I end up trying to figure out exactly what she wants, and how to explain to her, that "No mom, I won't have any control over page ranks". Right now I am not looking fwd to that conversation. I was too achy this morning to do much than say 'Mom. Headache bad. Call back later'

But now, it's later. And I also marvel she didn't remember my sketchy internet access problem (soon to change, because the box has arrived, for all I know, might have arrived Friday. But is here today, picked up from upstairs neighbour).

Anyway, my mother says it's an 'emergency/ urgent' what she wants. And it needs to be done NOW. And even w/ my headache and a significant needs for more sleep and water, I realized that NOWHERE IN HER PLANS, is that idea that I might have plans of my own - that mean I cannot jump to it, and possibly create a website for her, immediately.

I... I can't even. I just, and can't. even.

On the good news, though I believe the dog still hasn't been taken to the vet (believe but am not sure), my mother apparently was involved in what was going on way before I knew anything, and had been supplying stuff for the dog to throw up, etc... and my mom's house, is a house of vitamin supplements, so she got those into him darn near immediately. Apparently it was my brother who noticed the dog acting strangely from the very beginning and alerted her, way before my stepfather decided that he would dawdle about to buy the activated charcoal and other things. And the situation wasn't as bad as I'd thought re: the dog either. He wasn't somewhere else, but at the new place w/ them, as a surprise for my sibs, but they hadn't remembered to dog proof the house completely.

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Date: 06:46PM | Sat, December 17th | 2011
Subject: Not So Holy Day
Security: Public
Mood:frustrated & upset frustrated & upset
Tags:about family, fail fail everywhere, things that suck, willow's warren

At 3:50am this morning, I heard a man shouting upstairs. TL:DR decided not to call the police, after checking it wasn't already the police - because domestic squabbles can be messy and I was afraid for the children. But I did stay up, listening, in case things changed and I had to. Turns out I wasn't hearing everything as much as I thought through the vents. And things were so bad, the upstair's neighbour's young teenage son ran away from home. She was frantic looking for him near 10:30am today. I'm praying and hoping they found him, or he got his arse back home. The neighbour says if I ever hear her raising her voice, call for help. I honestly... I did honestly worry things would get worse. I'm not sure she'll understand that fact. But....

And my brother just called me, to say my stepfather is playing the fool about getting the dog to the vet; and it's had rat poison. I had decided to wait until Christmas, to see if the Dog's Christmas present would be a doghouse so the dog would be safe from authorities worried about. I never stopped to consider that the news he told me, was news that could stir a vengeful neighbour to possibly throw rat poison over the fence. The first dog my siblings ever had? It died, from a neighbour throwing rat poison over the fence (different neighbour, different house). But still.

I cannot believe my stepfather is running around trying to get activated charcoal and NOT also calling a vet. My brother looked up on his phone that things were more complicated than getting the dog to throw up, or getting the poison absorbed. They are, it's about vitamin K and internal bleeding and it's XMAS. Just go to the vet and spend the damn money. How you gonna let the children's dog die for stinginess on XMAS? As if they give a damn about presents, if their pet dies.

For myself, yesterday I bought something from Walgreen's, then forgot it there. I called. They were to hold it for me to get there today. Hopefully it's still being held and I can pick it up tomorrow. Cause I ended up crashing so damn heard at noon. I also did early morning cooking to keep me busy while I was waiting out the noise upstairs and thus was physically exhausted too.

It's absolutely self indulgent and selfish - but when I think of the trouble i went to this month, to get gifts, specific type gifts, for all my siblings AND my mother - cause this year has been so stressful for them.... The gifts I got? Cannot, CANNOT alleviate the OMGWTFPAINSORROW of losing yet another pet, in a similar manner due to my stepfather's selfishness.

I can't get my mom on the phone. And I begin to think the situation is more complicated than even my brother knows. Cause I called my sister, thinking my mother might be with her, and it seems likely my sister is at the mall, keeping my littlest brother occupied while all this is going on. I can't even.

Cannot. even.

And please, this is not a case of my being blithe about what finances and resources my family has. I know there are emergency funds, an emergency credit card and practically? For the sake of the kids? Their paternal grandmother would pay the damn vet bill, if it came to that. Heck, I would contribute what little funds I have - cause it's family.

I can't even. Really can't even. And I'm just... I am now more glad I won't be there. Because I could not handle, once again, being a living present, to make up for the shit going on in that house. It's exhausting.


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Date: 11:13PM | Mon, August 29th | 2011
Subject: Limits
Security: Public
Mood:drained drained
Tags:about family, energy level 1, exhaustion scale: 9, pain scale 8.5

I want to be there for my siblings. But between dealing with their stuff, and dealing with my mom calling me crying on the phone (twice in one day) and then more stuff in the afternoon and then another crsisis later tonight when I was about to eat; I'm wasited. My chest hurts. My head feels woozy. I feel beaten and drained. Plus the emotional shock of remembering what it was like to be in the midst of that chaos and helpless cause I had no indepdence then. Flashback city.

I need to put up limits. Possibly email only for any daily communication or calls for emergencies only. Then again it has been emergencies. And hopefully things will settle down now. But I'm so tired, so everything I'm in dry tear land. So tired I'm not sleepy, I'm just in pain.

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Date: 03:55PM | Mon, June 28th | 2010
Subject: It Is raining
Security: Public
Tags:-indescribable-, .deewee, .ijay, about family, errands: important calls

I have the sniffles, my back is spasming. I have pizza I'm going to heat up and eat. I want to try and get my groceries ordered by this evening or so - hopefully without neuron misfires and unexplicable panic. First ting I did when I woke up, after taking a few breaths, was try and deal with my brother's electronics situation. Got it sorted only to have my mother go off about the company not having good customer service and and and...

I'm already dealing with all sorts of emotional things I need to work out. So I'm going to try and space out today and see if that can happen.

Am rethinking the summary vs full syndication thing again, since it also seems as if people reply to non-summarized feeds at the feed site - with comments I then of course never see. As well as issues with cut-tags, not just for safety issues but for spoilers. Ugh.

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Date: 12:41PM | Sun, September 6th | 2009
Subject: So weird
Security: Public
Mood:grumpy/hungry grumpy/hungry
Tags:about family, dreams

GI Joe vs Transformers. And not every member of GI Joe was a 'good guy'. And on top of that, there was this guy trying to call various countries with nuclear power, inviting them to help America fight the giant robots as a way to buy goodwill from the rest of the world. Oh yeah, and Richard Burgi was Duke, who was pissed with Lady J (possibly for abandoning him on the field of battle and costing him his legs) and eventually blew her and himself up with a cannister of gas and a well placed shot. No I don't know what that was about.

I'm still all Giant Robots Trying To Trash The World While Creating Too Many Highway Accidents. WTF?! And GI Joe Drivers making a semi and a truck do impossible jumping tricks


Other news: Spent the morning setting up a tracfone account for my aunt, via info from my mother. 90 mins of frustration. Seriously.

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Date: 01:05PM | Fri, June 12th | 2009
Subject: Change A Little, Change A Lot
Security: Public
Mood:tired tired
Tags:about family, about me, errands: running around

So many changes.

City Cafe's changing their logo. The new one is nice and all but I'm not really feeling it the way I enjoyed the chess board. On the other hand I like their remodeling jobs. The booths look very cosy and by taking up space there's finally a reason to send people upstairs to that dining area. I was beginning to think they should chuck it in and turn it into a teeny tiny disco or something to get use out of it.

Other changes - not as big a deal. I knew they'd moved the Phlebotomy but this is the first time I actually had to use the place. It's much much smaller. I felt a little cramped, which made me feel a little tense which resulted in one - well, two tries. Luckily things worked out for the second. Felt a little woozy after which felt weird. But I bought a treat of chicken on the way home, and I've just had some for lunch with a big bowl of vegetables. So I'm all mellow and calm and sleepy now. Hmmm, potato serotonin (also, Potato Wedges/Western Fries are the only fries worth having).

Other changes in the life of my family I keep forgetting to mention - my Uncle was Ordained last weekend. I'm all blink-blink and then some. Yeah, David was a holy man, for all he ruled by his pubes on more than one occasion. But he was also blessed and touched and all the rest of that before hand. Which is a long way of me saying that as spiritual as my Uncle has been in his lifetime, it's still unusual to think of him now as a Preacher Man. All with the robes and affiliation with a ministry and set of churches and all that.

Just. Wow.

The family's looking to get him something special and I turned my Mom onto Thomas Blackshear's statuary. So, we'll see.

Oh! The other change in my life. I might finally be able to delete Perfect World off my browser (and stop telling myself I'll so totally play it again). I found out about FreeRealms and had some fun this morning. I think it might take me a little while to to get bored because I can feel accomplished very easily due to short form quests, at least for now. I even cancelled the flash game site I'd been subscribed to, because while FreeRealms is free, it does offer some limited content for membership and I can only afford right now to pay for one online splurge (monthly or quarterly).

FreeRealms might not have the personalization of PerfectWorld's character builder, but the battles and quests involve mini games. It doesn't all have to slash this, slash that. Which works great for when I'm feeling to play, but there's no one who wants to kill things. Actually, you don't kill things in FreeRealms, you only knock them out and you yourself can only be knocked out. Which lowers anxiety (a game really shouldn't add stress) and equals more play for me and more fun. Cause I'm not gonna be wondering 'omgwtf, reach a certain level and then PvP and boo hoo'.

And now, I might nap soon. I had to sleep from 5pm to 1am to feel strong enough to make it downtown today. And things were still pulling sore. So more rest definitely will not hurt.

Ooh - Don't have my patches. Insurance has to approve or disprove them. So I should call back on Monday. I hope they get approved.

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Date: 05:39AM | Thu, December 11th | 2008
Subject: Dreams, Energy, Spirit & More
Security: Public
Tags:about family, dreams, energy scale 3, thinky thoughts

Obama dream number two.

I almost completely forgot about it when I woke up because I had to do the practical thing and feed myself and the world's starvingest little kitty. Then I ended up settling down and watching Erin Brokovich on cable. I watch that movie every time it comes on. I think that might be a sign I should own the dvd, cause obviously I like it and enjoy watching it, even without dvd extras. Weird.

Anyway what I remember about the Obama dream is fady bits and pieces, but seemed to involve a sword, a playground and magic. And I remember thinking "WTF Quest?' when I woke up. I'm going to take it as a sign that the O is equipped and ready to slay some big bads. Though the part where I'm fairly certain I was some sort of squire has a little - huh? Then again the O is inspiration to man. Yay Community Leaders! And I guess I'm kinda, sorta, an online community leader - almost. Perhaps on in training. In which case my trailing wheels are pink with sparkles and lavender stripes.


In other news, yeah I've heard about the live-action Avatar: The Last Air Bender and the apparently all white main cast. Later today I'm going to compose a letter/email to my sibs and explain why we won't be seeing it together but why I will try and get them the series as something we can all share together. ETA: Will attempt to mail a letter to TPTB later today.

I'm exhausted and in pain. I stayed up a ridiculous amount of hours with a friend. But totally went beyond my endurance limit and basically, the cat beat me up when I woke up today. That's how weak I was. So I might be hermiting for a while to recover.

December/Christmas/Solstice Thoughts )

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Date: 12:00PM | Fri, November 28th | 2008
Subject: Thanks Giving
Security: Public
Mood:grateful grateful
Tags::) smiley face, about family, about me, life: in general, the year: 2008

Still at [info]'s. Had a quiet Thanksgiving. Got to call my Dad and talk to my Mom (for time durations that did not stress me out). I'm officially incredibly grateful of 2008, despite dips in the road. And it's been pointed out to me that I wanted to Shiv 2007 in the street and watch it twitch and die. So 2008 being merely a year I wouldn't ask out on a second date, is a definite improvement.

* My Dad found me / reunited with my father

* Beautiful apt with helpful/needed amenities

* Caring landlady

* Zvi's family that welcome me so warmly as being a part of their festivities

* Trying for NaNo this year and discovering so much about my writing quirks and needs

* My friend's book being bought (and getting to help edit/contribute)

* [info]fickle graduating college

* Getting to go to Boston

* Beta blockers that help my quality of life

* My health going into a long stretch towards stable.

* My furbutt kitty even though she upchucks on the carpet

* [info]bridgetmkennitt and her fiancee for their thoughtful gift of brownies.

* My friends Canton and [info]zombiemallet for cards & cds that helped making moving less stressful.

* The discovery of JJot and Blipr and how using them helps me organize my life.

* Making my own yogurt lassies (and other tales of my kitchen)

* you guys

Now I'm going to go either read or scribble down writing thoughts.

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Date: 11:47AM | Tue, June 24th | 2008
Subject: More Random 2nd Family Titbits
Security: Public
Tags:about family, my second family

MOLB has a blog. It's an environmental blog. He's 12. How cute and geeky is that?

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Date: 10:05AM | Mon, June 23rd | 2008
Subject: --
Security: Public
Tags:about family

He's in Baltimore. I'm going to see him.

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Date: 02:23PM | Mon, June 9th | 2008
Subject: More On The Move
Security: Public
Tags:about family, about my siblings, the move


The new stove's supposed to come tomorrow. Either the landlady or her gf will be home to help organize that. So I suppose tomorrow will be when I let them know of my problems connecting. It's enough to make me cry. My knee hurts and I made it all the way out to Canton (where I used to live three moves ago) to get to a Radio Shack to buy a wireless modem/adapter. I decided to spend the extra 10$ to get a usb adapter since I've no idea how to get the metal shields out of over my extra pci slots and I wanted to get online as soon as possible.

But instead I'm getting a lot of 'Very Low, Low, Limited Connectivity'. So tomorrow I ask if anyone else had a desktop who lived down here or if they just shifted and moved around to try and connect to the net. It's harder to do that with a desktop.

More On The Move )

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Date: 10:25PM | Mon, February 25th | 2008
Subject: Revelations I Had This Weekend
Security: Public
Tags:about family, about my mother, about my siblings, therapy / therapy day

Very. Very. Long )

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Date: 02:45PM | Sat, February 23rd | 2008
Subject: Today is my brother's birthday day
Security: Public
Tags:about family, about my siblings

He just called, he's in a car with my mother and the rest of the family and they're all on their way down to visit me. Once again I am my siblings' birthday gift.

If you don't see me for the rest of the weekend - it's because they showed up and took me away.

Yes, I am aware that my mother treats me as if I couldn't possibly have any plans of my own. I found out yesterday that they were thinking of coming down and the only thing that stopped them was the snow. I find out today that they're already on their way.

There are times I seriously wished I lived in California, simply because it's so far away.

I love my sibs. But I hate being 'the present', it wears me out.

Of course since I don't want to visit them for Christmas, I understand how my mother cannot go several months without crashing in on me, making judgement about the state of the house, and the state of me (whether I'm fatter, thinner, healthier, or looking stressed) and offering copious advice.

The fact that I'm stiff and in pain, btw, does not factor at all into them swarming down upon me.

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Date: 03:44PM | Sat, October 13th | 2007
Subject: Once Again I Ask For Help
Security: Public
Tags:about family, lil help?, siblings

Anyone reading this with kids?

Have you tried floam?

Or Moon Sand for that matter?

My tiniest's brother's birthday is in just around two weeks. I've been nudged.

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Date: 03:21PM | Sun, September 2nd | 2007
Subject: :(
Security: Public
Mood:disturbed disturbed
Tags:about family, health: emotional, health: mental, mood scale 7, wtf!!

Life is strange.

I'm hot. My mother sent me a picture of my Uncle and he looks amazingly different. I had to ask who the hell the person was she was sending me pictures of. Once I knew it was my Uncle I could kind of see a certain family resemblance to other members of the family but none to how he used to look.

I mean she recently sent me pics of my cousin and I can kind of see the little boy I knew in those pics.

It's all fricking weird.

Also I'm avoiding grocery shopping again. I don't know why. It's online and should be easy but arrgh anxiety.

And I'm pondering if it makes sense to pay 6 dollars shipping for a 4 dollar phone battery or just by a new damn phone.

And I think the pots I wanted to buy might have been on sale when I put them in my Amazon cart cause I don't remember them costing so much.

And and and - anxiety and life and just ugh. Wanna cry for no earthly good reason. Maybe I need a caffeine pill. I didn't take one before bed last night. I need a regular schedule or something with them maybe?

Grr arrgh life.

Or maybe I'm upset that it's Sept. And I'm not settled and who knows.

Emotions. Bah fricking humbug.

ETA: I'm using the icon for it's disturbing factors not for actual joyful whee.

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By Any Other Name
of Willow
January 2016