By Any Other Name
the tale of Willow

Date: 03:34PM | Thu, May 6th | 2010
Subject: Never Good Enough
Security: Public
Tags:a bundle of thoughts, about depression, about keeping house

Late the third week of May I have a housing inspection. Then there's a building inspection by a woman I absolutely loathe within the first two weeks of June. Next week I also have a doctor's appointment. At some point in the third week of May, Cleaners are coming over. Oh yeah and the landlady will be there for the inspections.

My nerves are shot, even as I look around and try to figure out what else I can do. I'm not too worried about the third week inspection - except for the landlady being there. And my freaking out at the thought of her judging how I live. And I say this knowing the cleaners will have shown up and got all the things I miss - like scrubing the tile counter-tops and mopping, etc.

I'm freaked out again about that other appt, by the woman who fined me. Because heaven help that someone had a bad year and couldn't unpack. Though having watched a little television, maybe she thought I was some sort of Hoarder. I mean she complained my counter-space wasn't clear enough which have me wondering to this day was she 'buying a house' or just making a general assessment.

Anyway, it's all effing stressful and yeah I'm going to be out of the house (even if just to the Burger King around th corner) when -she- shows up. But none of that changes me in this delicate balance of trying to watch my blood pressure, mind my health, balance discomfort, keep eating healthily, and looking around and around wishing I had more items to store things on/in.

It's a bitch and a half and why I haven't been talking much about personal stuff. Because it's basically all anxiety all the time. Oh yeah, forgot the part where I hadn't heard from my clinic's case management in weeks; no one returning phonecalls or dropped off handwritten messages. But now it's known I want a new doctor.... I got, this week, what I ended up thinking of as a bullying phone-call. It got me so anxious I got dizzy. So anxious I couldn't make it to therapy because that would involve walking past the case-management building. Ended up telling my therapist that if they're gonna try and bully me or play games and say I can't see him (the new guy) and have a different main doctor - that I had NOT bonded to him enough to actually give a damn. The time where they could hold my therapist hostage HAS PASSED.

Man, that was a blunt conversation on my end.


Anyway, I had some thoughts on judgement. How it's become easier for me to give myself some slack about what I can and cannot manage due to pain, exhaustion, fog, etc. But apparently that doesn't translate to how other people might judge me. And every time some people want to come into my house - I freak. It actually says a lot about who I can trust to be compassionate if I let someone into my home. How even typing that feels like I'm making excuses for not being perfect. And yet I'm aware perfection is a trap. But it still feels like making excuses for not wiping down the counter everytime I cook, not having enough places in the home to put everything so things don't end up looking overstuffed on shelves or having a 'place' on the countertop.

Has it gotten worse, my fears of judgement since last year, and the bitch from hell who got me so much in a tizzy I couldn't even explain how ill and exhausted I'd been as she threw around words like disgusting and how I didn't deserve to live here?


PS: I am STILL leaving a big ass note saying she MUST take off her shoes though.

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Date: 10:36AM | Tue, August 11th | 2009
Subject: The Further Bathroom Adventures
Security: Public
Mood:sad & more sad & more
Tags:about keeping house, willow's warren

Remember that break I wanted to take? That mental vacation?

Well I woke up to use the bathroom and discovered that sometime between when I went to sleep and now, the dishwashing water felt the need to back up into the toilet and bathtub. The freshly scrubbed toilet and bathtub. The landlady is being informed right now (talked to her SO). And I will hit therapy today without a shower.

Of course right now I have to calm myself down and remind myself it's now my fault. I haven't done anything wrong. They didn't even find any hair-clogs when they snaked stuff on Saturday. And I was told specifically, that hair doesn't cause this. Of course I still want to throw up my hands in despair. The thought of the apartment having people in it again and me feeling uncomfortable/invaded - hands up in despair.

... Just spoke with the world's best landlady and she reminded me it isn't my fault. It's a tree's fault. And she'll be here for when the plumbers come again (oh, I've been spelling plumbers all wrong this past weekend. My bad). They'll be coming to snake, again, to try and give the bathroom some relief. But also the sewerline now definitely needs replacing.

I sigh. I sigh a lot. It's not even been 24 hours since the bathroom got clean and I felt like it was mine again.

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Date: 06:38PM | Thu, July 23rd | 2009
Subject: A little thing with far reaching consequences
Security: Public
Mood:contemplative contemplative
Tags:about keeping house, about me, things that suck, thinky thoughts

The place I buy my Indian Take-out/Delivery from has raised prices. Actually checking flyers left in mailboxes recently, everyone has raised prices. Mainly an extra dollar per item. But the Indian place added credit card surcharge. And then a gas surchage last summer and now everything's raised a dollar. Which means in order for them to make ends meet, they're charging me 4 extra dollars, half of which is for stuff that's not food.

And on top of that, my meal came in a smaller container.

And the rice, which used to come with peas and carrots mixed in, or with raisins, is now plain.

And there are maybe five pieces of lamb in my vindaloo. (that's about half as much as there used to be)

This is not good )

Sitting waiting for the bus yesterday, I got to talking with an older woman there. Possibly in her sixties, though she did not look it. She talked about how within her lifetime, she'd not grown up with things saying 'Made In The USA'. That she knew about Taiwain and China as places that made things to be sold. And more recently Sri Lanka.

She said the first time she saw that on clothing, she went to the library and asked for a map to look up where it was, because she'd never heard of the place before. Though she took a wild guess that it'd probably be in Asia.

She sighed. She said that the US has become a service oriented society and that's not what's going to bump us out of the Recession/Depression. 'We', she said, need to actually make things, that other people want and then sell them.

I found myself thinking of the Caribbean then. And Tourism. And how that is a service oriented industry and how that leaves you incredibly dependent on other people deciding to spend money on a luxury. I can't imagine the US waiting around for other people to decide to spend money on some service the US has to offer (and I can't even think of one right now). I also found myself thinking of Japan and having a refreshed appreciation for how hard that country worked, the people of Japan worked, to make the country an Empire again. And it is an industrial technology Empire. I found myself thinking of Germany and what the phrase 'German Engineering' has come to mean.

And then I ended up thinking of the USA and Capitalism and the Consumer Driven Economy where short usability is built into darn near everything. Engineering and construction has a finite term, and warranties are often useless pieces of paper, and things are often set up to make it easier to buy a new one, than repair an old one.

Gold on the outside, hollow on the inside.

Can't get the phrase out of my head.

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Date: 05:24AM | Sun, April 12th | 2009
Subject: M'up Late. My Ankle Hurts. Stupid People R Stupid. Also DreamWidth
Security: Public
Tags:about keeping house, about me, dreamwidth has sheep, painscale 5, thinky thoughts

C/P-ed comment in another journal:

I think it's good to point out that DW is also not Google. Google still counts itself as being in Beta. There are many products that have beta up in the corner of the Google brand symbol.

Google finagles to be in beta for legal reasons, and as an easy excuse for stuff. We've all had gmail for what - 5 yrs now? And it's still Beta. Even though invite codes aren't needed anymore - people still earn them, they way they would in any other open Beta.

This is not what DW is doing. So it's yet another reason people shouldn't expect Beta to be without any problems what so ever.

Reasons I like DW so far. This got unexpectedly long. )

For this pondering crossposting Semagic crossposts. You simply set things to post to the second journal and then when you go to press send - go to 'post to multiple journals' instead. Easier than manual.

I'm undecided as yet if I will post over there and crosspost here (while keep my flist page up here) or if there will be different posts in both places. Or if I will post here and crosspost there. I doubt it will be the latter, however, since I have the chance to be more specific in my posting there. And many of the people I read on LJ via feeds who didn't or wouldn't move to iJay are already over on DW. So the want/need to be specific in who reads / who has access is more relevant.

Which means I may end up completely flocking this journal for future posts. But... On the Other Hand... (has small Fiddler On The Roof moment) - I've been wanting a journal to post my writing thoughts on yaoi and Scribblit Inksome has a bug error that won't let it archive with LJ-Archive. And that error hasn't been fixed no matter how many times I report it.

I have absolutely no sense of community over at Scritt so much so that I'm still referencing it automatically by the old name. So that's not a journal I'll feel a loss of. It's practically lost now, I use it so little.

So basically no matter what I decide, my iJay won't turn ghost town. My communities, however, mostly suck. I suck as a mod - trying to promote conversation etc. Anyway, they will not be moving. Cause there's really no point.

And now I attempt some sleep - oh wait.

About why my ankle hurts. )

As for the Stupid People R Stupid. I've had some recent examples of just how different it is to occasionally want attention, or feel like you are physical and exist and what it is to be so self focused you can't see anyone's else's forest for your own trees.

Vague Willow Is Vague.

Now bed.

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Date: 09:40AM | Wed, January 28th | 2009
Subject: So I've figured out why I've been sleeping during the day
Security: Public
Mood:jubilant jubilant
Tags:about keeping house, about me, silliness

It's warmer.

It finally dawned on me that the thing making me stay up, walk around, play with the cat and constantly drink hot cups of cocoa and how bowls of nourishment - was cold caused pain. Sometimes, I am seriously slow. I'm going to bring this up in therapy and ask for suggestions, because I'm not quite certain playing vampire for winter will be a helpful thing for my mental health / socialbility.

In another news: SQUEE! )

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Date: 02:03PM | Wed, September 24th | 2008
Subject: Sorting out my thoughts on home, errands and my body
Security: Public
Tags:about keeping house, about me, discomfort scale 5, health: mental, health: physical, pain scale 6.5

Notes to Me )

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By Any Other Name
of Willow
January 2016