So it's begun. The holiday hints, nudges, shoves by my mother at how much my siblings would love to see me for Christmas and how much she can do for me if I show up.
Considering how...odd I feel right now? Like I don't even know if I want to to Zvi's for Thanksgiving, because I'm on edge, in pain, out of sorts, pondering spoons, etc? I just...
It feels superstitious to say I feel pre-warnings that this will be a bad holiday season and instinct tells me to hunker down and wait for it to be over. But that's how I feel right now. Find some books I can enjoy, have pizza and wait for January 2nd.
Obviously I'm depressed and it's cranking my lack of sociability ever upwards, yes?
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Willow is cooking. I have actual food in an actual pot on the stove. And the heat is turned down like whoa as there is no way I have the attention span currently to stand or sit over the pot and watch it cook. But food! On the stove! I will eat food tonight! (It's still night until dawn).
Other good news - the hickory smoke bottle I picked up on a whim to help encourage me to eat (and better) isn't salty! This gives me a couple more options that will be free from high fructose corn syrup or significant high fructose corn syrup ( I keep wanting to type cough syrup).
There are several things on the home front that aren't done. I refuse to make a list because they aren't done due to me taking care of myself and a list only induces guilt. I'm hoping to get them done this week. Also my therapist (who I saw on Friday) pointed out exactly how heavy some of my recent thinking and sorting and dealing with myself - along with taking care of myself- has been and pointed out that takes energy. So I'm already feeling better than I usually would on the guilt front.
I have thoughts peculating in my head about advertising, sexuality, commercialism, fandom and I think an off shoot in there relating it to Urban Fantasy (and possibly why I don't think those stories have been saying anything). But I'm not sure if or when it'll pan out enough for me to write about. They might even be two thoughts and I only think they're one because they both touch on hypersexuality (or at least how things seem presented to me). We will see.
I've spent parts of last week having hours long conversations with my mother - which took so. much. damn. energy. I can't even begin to explain. It was done in order to get something in motion that will end up helping my siblings. That is definitely a doorway that exists, even if I guard it. But being occupied and handling other things, I was not as on guard as I should have been. Also, it gets messy in my head when I realize/recognize something my mother did that's been positively important in how I've turned out.
I also appear to be in a non-fiction groove at the moment. And it was like a light-bulb in my head when I was in the library all "PING! If I'm so discomforted by fiction, that doesn't mean I have to stop reading. It just means I can stop reading FICTION but can pick up NON FICTION."
It was like a commercial where someone discovers chocolate for the first time.
I am also considering making my own ginger beer at some point. I blame my father.
ETA: *sighs* Apparently I do not like the taste of my own cooking. *more sighs*
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Yeah, woke up out of a, possibly the correct term should be nightmare - my heart was beating faster - though these days I call them mere bad dreams. In the dream I was watching a group of highschool students get turned away from the front door once the clock struck nine, even though they'd been in line to get into the school for quite some time. Of the three double doors on the front of the building, only two halfs were opened. Students were being patted down, wanded and having their id's checked. The process was long. There was only one guard each at the half doors, with a secondary guard, each, as backup. And even if it wasn't unreasonable to expect students to show up at 6 and 7 in the morning, when school didn't start until 9 - the guards didn't arrive and open the doors until 8am anyway.
The turned away students were encouraged to try and get home before a truant officer caught them and reported them. Too many truant reports and a student could get suspended. So the left behind students were frantically scattering as if someone had just thrown tear gas. Meanwhile there was a second option, but it involved being lead under a bridge to a room there - I can't remember if it was an official type waiting room that was just in a run down place. Or if it was a room that those who were turned away simply knew about - where they could stay all day and not be marked truant.
( There is abuse of power involved in the rest that might be triggering. Also in the dream I get pissed. )
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| 2009-08-23 10:52 |
| On Willow & Bluntness |
| Public |
| about me |
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Some stuff's come up the last couple of days involving how blunt I am, enough so that I feel a need to do a post and input some of this stuff into my digital brain. Yes, I am blunt. But I had to work to get there. I'm damned proud of my ability to be blunt and I'm proud of my reasons for being blunt and I'm highly unlikely change unless sometime in the future I find a way to be blunt that doesn't smack people in the face.
Do note, it'd just be another form of bluntness, though, not me changing how I interact.
Why is it so important to me to be blunt? Well, it's because I grew up in a den of emotional manipulation. I've watched words, all my life, make people do things my mother or another family member wanted them to do; like marionette threads or something out of a manga with spider-web and a demon. My mom is a master. A MASTER of emotional manipulation. For most of my life I lost against her because I didn't know any other way to be, and well, knowing everything one's master teaches one, is not the same as knowing everything the master knows.
I'm blunt because I don't want to be like that.
I don't like listening or looking at people and recognizing ways to get them to do what I want, like a chess match. It makes people into nuts to be cracked. People aren't objects. They're not there to do my bidding and then discretely disappear. When they don't do what I want, they're not malfunctioning and it's not all about me losing my touch. The world does not revolve around me (in general that is my world revolves around me, just like everyone else's individual world revolves around them).
I joked around the other day and called it my legacy superpower .
Having someone's trust is a sacred thing. It doesn't matter how many bad examples I see, it is a sacred thing. It is not step one into acquiring the knowledge I need to break them to my will later on down the line. People's emotions aren't free drifting puppet strings for whomever is the strongest manipulator.
Lately I've been staring at the bits and pieces I see on the news, and what I've heard of FOX and just ended up shaking my head. FOX by the way, is not a master manipulator. They're journeyman level. They just have a very broad reach. But seriously they're using a cudgel compared to true manipulators. Rupert Murdoch is scared of black people and how life has changed in the past forty years. He's scared of being poor; having the government curtail his media empire and the cult of personality FOX has created. All empires eventually die - empires are bloated things and usually over extended - but no doubt he will fight, kick and scream and cudgel with money and influence to stir up mass hysteria that could force government to stall on continuing on the path of change that Murdock does not agree with.
But that's all tea cakes and kind of obvious and not my point.
I'm blunt. I'd rather be blunt than stick my metaphorical hand in your head and swirl around for my own personal amusement or goals. If that's too much for you, if my taking the effort to be blunt and honest rubs you the wrong way - it's not going to change and the door is that-a-way. I don't have the energy to befriend and or interact with people I don't like or who I don't think worth the time. And yes, the minute I come to the personal conclusion that someone has done something so egregious they stop being worth the time, I drop them like a hot pebble. And then there's no more arguing; there's no more dialogue, period.
My bluntness is respect. It's my seeing you as a person, not a pawn.
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| 2009-08-21 13:37 |
| Tears = Ugh |
| Public |
| about me |
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Spend a couple hours crying and wake up the next day with pinprick throbbing headache of ugh. So I'm gonna have to not be around the comp for a while since reading hurts. Which sucks cause I wanted to kind of space out on some stuff.
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Reading the wordpress site - No Longer Quivering, and recognizing some of the experiences being described, I think it hit me in a way I'm not sure it ever has, intellectually before, just how similar abuse is. How abuse itself is about control, manipulation, someone else's world lived in by their dictates, whether that be spiritual and religious, or physical and emotional or even military.
Torture is as much about stressing the mind as putting the body through stress positions. Abuse is about being beaten down so much you say anything, you know exactly what your place is and what's expected of you and you fear, fear, fear straying from that. And holding on to a sense of self and soul in the midst of all that takes strength that cannot be concieved, that's immeasurable and seems unbelievable when you look back, far less when you're living it.
Being aware of how much I minimize my past, is still not enough for me to accept the depths and breadth of what it was, what it meant and what it still means in terms of my growing and maturing and healing. It's just so easy to forget I have these scars, because I don't look at them. I can't look at them. To focus on them would mean I'm not looking ahead to future and hope. Or at least that's how I see it.
Therapy's helped me accept they're there, that I am emotionally disabled and that I was psychologically crippled (intentionally injured). And that I'm recovering - always recovering. And yet, it takes a moment of seeing someone else's abuse for it to hit me how far I've come and how long I've had to climb and how many things I had to sort out mentally and how much I still keep in a box in the back of my head that I'm not ready to deal with yet.
It's a good reminder right now, this week, when I'm having difficulty thinking past the most functional of needs; food, laundry, phonecalls. Creativity feels very far away and I get so frustrated.
Semi Random: I think this week after therapy, I'm going to take a writing and writing attempts and even rp vacation and just rest. Not feel like I have to be doing, planning, thinking, mentally organizing, engaging in something constructive, somehow. Just rest.
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| 2009-08-09 08:38 |
| Water is wet. Blood is red. A certain fandom is full o shite (plus bonus lack of cope grumpiness) |
| Public |
 nearly out of cope |
| about me, tv: sgfail |
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Grumpy.
I'm currently realizing how much the bathroom is one of my 'rooms' in terms of favourite rooms in the house. Now everytime I want to use it, there's tension and discomfort cause it needs serious cleaning. Had to throw some things out because the plumbers didn't pull out the drawers and pipe gunk got on toilet paper and sanitary napkins and all inside the drawer. Just ugh.
Currently waiting for sleep to hit me so I can crash.
Meanwhile, someone writing SGA fic brought forth the racism in bright neon colours all New Jack City and dreads equal criminals. 2.0.0.9 a year to definitely remember. But I'm not even agitated, I don't think. I just find myself thinking that SGA fandom is where the ignorant asses go to meet friends and breed. May they intermingle and bond and all regress back to the one celled organism stage and then get stepped on, thus ending the needless asshorror. Ok, maybe I am just quietly wtf, since it's making me think cut-eye at SGA fans of colour, wondering (how much witchhazel and clorox do they have to buy weekly in order to stand the filth)
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Ovlulation pain. Tailbone pain. Joint pain (due to overhanging storm) and a swollen breastbone. And I begin to sincerely wish there were other ways I had to back up my computer (but I don't plan to spend a lot of money on an external drive only to have the monitor say 'I am the weakest link - goodbye').
At least I deleted the dvd/cd burn+copy program that came with the computer. I don't know why I kept thinking it was easy for me to use. It wasn't. And then after thinking I'd messed up 3 different discs. I got a new program (yay freeware) and used the last disc, which got burned beautifully and now I have Season 1 and Season 2 of The Weekenders. (I need to be in better spirits to monitor to dwnld and burn S3 and S4 - especially since each 10 minute episode is halved for some reason).
But ow. Very grumpy. And even though there's roast in the fridge I just want to order something for the comfort of the food coming from somewhere else. But I don't even know what I'd order. I'm not craving any flavours at all. So I won't. I'm just - ow. A lot of ow. I loathe pain. And even though I've got my pain patches, I have no clue where to put them (other than on my neck earlier) because there's just so much pain and that would involve making a decision.
PS: Homeland Security: We're In Ur Website, Bein' All Racist. Someone on my twitter list was surprised. Yeah, she's white.
Meanhile, having seen that link, I wonder if this pain is just delayed tension or something.
ETA: Oh damn. I think I've rebroken that damn troublesome toe again.
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The place I buy my Indian Take-out/Delivery from has raised prices. Actually checking flyers left in mailboxes recently, everyone has raised prices. Mainly an extra dollar per item. But the Indian place added credit card surcharge. And then a gas surchage last summer and now everything's raised a dollar. Which means in order for them to make ends meet, they're charging me 4 extra dollars, half of which is for stuff that's not food.
And on top of that, my meal came in a smaller container.
And the rice, which used to come with peas and carrots mixed in, or with raisins, is now plain.
And there are maybe five pieces of lamb in my vindaloo. (that's about half as much as there used to be)
( This is not good )
Sitting waiting for the bus yesterday, I got to talking with an older woman there. Possibly in her sixties, though she did not look it. She talked about how within her lifetime, she'd not grown up with things saying 'Made In The USA'. That she knew about Taiwain and China as places that made things to be sold. And more recently Sri Lanka.
She said the first time she saw that on clothing, she went to the library and asked for a map to look up where it was, because she'd never heard of the place before. Though she took a wild guess that it'd probably be in Asia.
She sighed. She said that the US has become a service oriented society and that's not what's going to bump us out of the Recession/Depression. 'We', she said, need to actually make things, that other people want and then sell them.
I found myself thinking of the Caribbean then. And Tourism. And how that is a service oriented industry and how that leaves you incredibly dependent on other people deciding to spend money on a luxury. I can't imagine the US waiting around for other people to decide to spend money on some service the US has to offer (and I can't even think of one right now). I also found myself thinking of Japan and having a refreshed appreciation for how hard that country worked, the people of Japan worked, to make the country an Empire again. And it is an industrial technology Empire. I found myself thinking of Germany and what the phrase 'German Engineering' has come to mean.
And then I ended up thinking of the USA and Capitalism and the Consumer Driven Economy where short usability is built into darn near everything. Engineering and construction has a finite term, and warranties are often useless pieces of paper, and things are often set up to make it easier to buy a new one, than repair an old one.
Gold on the outside, hollow on the inside.
Can't get the phrase out of my head.
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A password protected diary (software) on my harddrive where there's no way for me to be prompted with the password might not be the best place to write down traumatic memories. What with how the brain works to block things dealing with the trauma, away from one's consciousness. Luckily I only had two entries that are now lost. And I remember the point of at least one entry so I can re-create my thoughts on it, though of course not recreate the entry itself.
I'm kind of surprised I didn't forsee this possibility.
I mean I have absolutely no memory at all of even bringing the password ability on the software up. I thought I hadn't password protected it yet. Oh Dissociative states, you whacky state of conciousness you.
And no, it's not actually stuff I feel comfortable writing out in an online danga clone, be it iJay or Dreamwidth. My last trauma diary was blogger with a url that only I knew, and my then therapist (Dr. MyTherapist). I need something like that again. But with the ability not to be ass out backwards when it comes to a password. Because you see it actually wouldn't be enough to just write the password down somewhere. Since I have no memory of using the password ability of the software, it's possible that the selves feeling uneasy even dealing with this stuff could quite handily erase or 'lose' that written down password and I'll be stuck again. These are selves that had me looking at TrueCrypt - ok? Paranoid, suspicious and private. That's their motto.
And this has now been open for an hour and change. Posting.
Random ETA: Came home to ants in the kitchen yesterday. Wiped things down and they were back when I woke up. Called the landlady's brother (she's apparently gone for a week) and someone from Terminex should be getting back to them, so they can get back to me.
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1. Having one's debit card on file at the grocery store is 'dangerous' when one's order from last week isn't cleared off and the poor personal shopper calls you to say 'Your order is ready' and you're all 'But I didn't order anything. I ordered -last- week'.
2. Apparently when I say 'backing up my lj' - people outside of my head do not hear 'backing up my external memory source and supplementary brain for easy reference, and later perusal'. Curiously this is deemed a problem in my communication. But I'm betting it's just misunderstood by all those NON Supplementary brain folks.
I'm guessing those folks, if they read my journal, completely missed my upset that lj-archive does not work with blogger and I had yet to find an archiving program for blogger that was easy and allowed me the same measure of access to my posts. I'm currently dependent on 'search this blog'.
2-A. For the record, lack of backing up comments on Dreamwidth to my supplementary memory means my DW can't be a cohesive part of my brain. Thus it is useless.
2-B. I'm not finding doubles of my entries on my DW. Which is confusing. Either I fixed this and wasn't aware of it, or someone fixed it for me. If it's the later - thank you.
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7th Generation Detergent has been using sodium laurel sulfate, according to the person who answered the 1800 #, for the past five years. And only in the last year have taken it upon themselves to include sodium lauryl sulfate in their ingredients. The man gave me a speil about how &the Generation is all for Consumer Education/Information.
Doesn't change the fact that I've been using detergent that contains something I'm allergic to. This explains the dry patches and itching on my skin. I should not have switched from using Dreft. I'm currently on hold to find out if -they- use sodium lauryl sulfate and don't list it either.
And they're unsure. They've got anionic surfactant and non anionic surfactants listed.
I have a sulfate allergy. It does me wrong. I'm beginning to wonder if part of the reason when I was in Trinidad my skin didn't have problems, isn't just a factor of humidity, but that my grandmother's clothes washing routine was -old school- (soap flakes).
So now the search is on to find a sulfate free detergent and see if my skin stops acting crazy trying to shed cells. I suppose I should feel relieved to know my skin's problems - which have exhausted me - aren't solely a matter of genetics. And if I figure this out, I can tell my father. He's got the same exact problem. But right now I just feel pissed.
Separate note: Set up insurance electronic funds transfer.
PS: Do not look for a copy of this post on DW.
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Zvi brings up a link in her journal to someone in the open source community behaving badly. I was intrigued by the comments in the link, which claimed it was 'rude' and close to 'unlawful' etc - for private emails to be posted. These emails by the way were about a speech at a conference and the offensive material within the speech.
C/p of important bits - my comment:
The thing that's intriguing to me is all the people claiming that it's somehow wrong to publish private emails.
Where does this expectation of privacy come from?
One would think primary and secondary school would have drilled it into people's heads that once a note leaves one's hands, anything can happen. Including said note being publicized in some fashion.
Are people not aware of epistolaries?
Discussion between individuals is not like discussion between an individual and an institution like a bank, where the publishing of correspondence could well include identifying information , the dissemination of which could be harmful to the person. It is not like correspondence between an individual and an engaged lawyer, where part of interaction and practice of the hired party is privacy of counsel.
There can be no expectation of privacy between personal parties, including lovers. Privacy there is a grace, a privilege, not a right. Or am I missing some delicate markers of society and if so, who is willing to try and change my mind on this point? Any takers? This reminds me a lot of the 'But my journal is my private space, even though it's unlocked with all comments allowed'. I've been of the opinion for a while that a journal is a personal space, and thus a space where one hosts discussions according to one's chosen/preferred rules of conduct. And where one posts what one wants, and if other parties do not like it, they do not have to read it. But it's hardly private. Even flocked, there's nothing to stop parties from c/ping, or screencaping posts and republishing them. Though there it is rather more obvious that the grace of privacy / private interactions had been extended via filters and the little locking symbol. And the breach of trust is plain. A filter or flock implies trusted interactions. But again, trust isn't privacy. A breach of privacy would be someone breaking into a private-locked journal for the distinct intent and purpose of disseminating the information within. And a more heinous breach of privacy would be someone cracking into another person's computer. That's their personal property with (one would hope) a password needed to gain entry. Breaking in there is a definite invasion. But something one disseminates oneself, or delivers into the hands (virtual or physical) of another individual - how can that be private? It's left you. You no longer have control over it. And it is not a case like a national mail service where there are laws codifying your privacy. So in the above case, while I can concede it may be thought of as 'rude' - particularly since the emails show someone happily displaying their ass and such an embarrassment activates an urge to cover up and hide - rude seems, well, subjective to me. Rude becomes a question of tone. Rude, actually, seems always to be a question of tone. And minding one's tone implies respect for the person to whom you are speaking/interacting. And when one is calling out an individual, who has done something offensive, why is there an expectation of respect? Surely the need for the person to be called out, implies a strong loss of respect. How did loss of respect become entangled with an expected concept of privacy? I am not doubting the two are somehow connected. Respect does mean respecting someone's wishes, or extending them a courtesy. But a courtesy is not an entitlement. Aside:Which triggers thoughts, for me, of the warnings debate, and how many people promptly posted screeds against being demanded to do a thing. Demands may or may not have been made. I cannot be 100% positive. But I do note that 'But it only takes 5 minutes to enact this courtesy' being replied to with 'You don't control me! I refuse to cowtow to your sense of entitlement' makes me think several parties are in need of a dictionary with certain terms highlighted.
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Some weird little thoughts... about sex, manga, fiction, tropes and other stuff.
Note: This entry was attempted for the second time, on June 23rd, 2009, (can't find the info for the first attempt). It was semi inspired by the discussion on warnings and what that did to my brain. And semi inspired by metaphorically tripping over Bara when trying to clean up my feedreader. This rambling of my mind discusses anxiety and triggery concepts to do with abuse.
( --- )
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When I'm in pain, I don't acknowledge it for hours. Instead, I seem to begin to crave things to raise and boost my serotonin and endorphine levels - in the dark groping to counter-act pain and discomfort without admitting it's there. I've observed this self medicating before - but may have since forgotten the pain component.
I keep buffer money for 'treats' but I've been thinking more of the control issues in my past around food and my life, than realizing that 'treats' are also medicine (self dosing)
And I've begun to wonder if caffeine was also self medicating. And not in a 'duh' way, where most people are using it for a boost. But since I've been controlling my input - not purposely seeking it out. I've noted I get exhausted far more easily and am able to do less. And by trying to close the gap on the less for 'just a little bit more' have ended up basically immobile for several days on end. Which makes me wonder if I actually need caffeine in order to function. Does it factor into the current equation of unacknowledged pain + exertion (which seems simplistic) = crushing exhaustion, often flat on my back body enforced bed rest? Maybe it's just as simple as 'feeling less tired daily makes me less likely to feel as if I put something off it'd never get done so I must do it now'.
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This title is both tongue in cheek and true. ( Not Really Feeling Considerate But WTF )
Fucking Hypocrites.
Hi, my name is Willow. This is me NOT making friends and NOT influencing people. Unclick the ticky. 0 to pissed off in 20 minutes of writing.
ETA: 4.04pm - Still mad. Still upset.
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Things I am learning.
I enjoy the combination of quest-like goals, with mini games. I'm enjoying leveling up as a miner and as a Chef. I like the fact that having fight encounters is something you have to accept in order for it to happen. So there's no free floating anxiety everytime I have to go from one place to the next, over what I'll have to battle on the way. People with anxiety disorders want to enjoy gaming too. And now I can.
( Things I am not enjoying )
So mostly my displeasure is tech stuff. The premise of the game, the bright colours and the world, the mini game system, the auto-garbing - I love all that. I'd thought Puzzle Quest might be my kind of thing, incorporating match 3 to a quest. But it made match3 a contest against a computer foe (various enemies). I didn't enjoy that at all. It shifted match 3 from being an enjoyable, mind quiet game, into something full of tension. So apparently my perfect game involves mini games like cooking or matching and maybe some myst like puzzles, but without the creepiness of empty islands and occasional bloodied instruments.
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So many changes.
City Cafe's changing their logo. The new one is nice and all but I'm not really feeling it the way I enjoyed the chess board. On the other hand I like their remodeling jobs. The booths look very cosy and by taking up space there's finally a reason to send people upstairs to that dining area. I was beginning to think they should chuck it in and turn it into a teeny tiny disco or something to get use out of it.
Other changes - not as big a deal. I knew they'd moved the Phlebotomy but this is the first time I actually had to use the place. It's much much smaller. I felt a little cramped, which made me feel a little tense which resulted in one - well, two tries. Luckily things worked out for the second. Felt a little woozy after which felt weird. But I bought a treat of chicken on the way home, and I've just had some for lunch with a big bowl of vegetables. So I'm all mellow and calm and sleepy now. Hmmm, potato serotonin (also, Potato Wedges/Western Fries are the only fries worth having).
Other changes in the life of my family I keep forgetting to mention - my Uncle was Ordained last weekend. I'm all blink-blink and then some. Yeah, David was a holy man, for all he ruled by his pubes on more than one occasion. But he was also blessed and touched and all the rest of that before hand. Which is a long way of me saying that as spiritual as my Uncle has been in his lifetime, it's still unusual to think of him now as a Preacher Man. All with the robes and affiliation with a ministry and set of churches and all that.
Just. Wow.
The family's looking to get him something special and I turned my Mom onto Thomas Blackshear's statuary. So, we'll see.
Oh! The other change in my life. I might finally be able to delete Perfect World off my browser (and stop telling myself I'll so totally play it again). I found out about FreeRealms and had some fun this morning. I think it might take me a little while to to get bored because I can feel accomplished very easily due to short form quests, at least for now. I even cancelled the flash game site I'd been subscribed to, because while FreeRealms is free, it does offer some limited content for membership and I can only afford right now to pay for one online splurge (monthly or quarterly).
FreeRealms might not have the personalization of PerfectWorld's character builder, but the battles and quests involve mini games. It doesn't all have to slash this, slash that. Which works great for when I'm feeling to play, but there's no one who wants to kill things. Actually, you don't kill things in FreeRealms, you only knock them out and you yourself can only be knocked out. Which lowers anxiety (a game really shouldn't add stress) and equals more play for me and more fun. Cause I'm not gonna be wondering 'omgwtf, reach a certain level and then PvP and boo hoo'.
And now, I might nap soon. I had to sleep from 5pm to 1am to feel strong enough to make it downtown today. And things were still pulling sore. So more rest definitely will not hurt.
Ooh - Don't have my patches. Insurance has to approve or disprove them. So I should call back on Monday. I hope they get approved.
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It's beginning to feel as if I should ban livejournal.com in my browser and have as exceptions individuals I like to read, or could read and possibly enjoy. The list of jackasses I've accumulated so far seems like it might slow the browser down.
In other news - Just read the whole 'fedex arrow' ism analogy by innerbrat@lj. Not linking. And it rubbed me the wrong way somehow. Not to the extent some of the people attempting to derail conversation in her comments have irked me. But I walk away from it feeling, somehow, that it's a very white pov. That there's privilege involved there, in the mention of 'moving on' and the mention of 'calling someone out on something has become an insult' - that reads far too much like 'playing a race/gender/trans' card and the whole 'calling someone a racist is the worse insult in the world/worse thing you can do' - which is often also equated with; calling someone a racist is worse than being racist.
Then again, maybe it has to do with the audience being written to, and that audience being white thus there's no need to focus on the hurt and accumulation of hurt and frustration that could lead to someone telling off in very blunt terms or lead someone to not wanting to have anything to do with a particular property, or its fans. Then again maybe the audience is also meant to be cissgendered and heterosexual -- I think perhaps I'm in a place to feel feminist issues vs gender equality issues (which could and likey in areas do intersect with trans issues), obscure things and shift focus. Or perhaps it was the inclusion of 'tone' and the whole process written about how to mollify individuals that their cluelessness isn't part of a larger symptom - ie, they're racist because they're raised in a racist society or they're misogynistic because they're raised in a misogynistic society.
But it irks me and seems off. And I'm not sure I'm not gonna flinch if someone comments on my journal about Fedex Arrows. Innerbrat got the analogy from Yukie1013@lj. And Yukie1013's point seems to be that once a thing is seen, it cannot be unseen and someone's ability to see these things, doesn't mean another person can't learn to see them and also doesn't mean they're seeing something that isn't there. Right now though, instinct is to flinch and sigh and roll my eyes.
Though it'll be far worse if they insist that I draw the outline of the shape for them - because that's handholding. I don't do handholding.
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This is something my old therapist would have recommended for me. I'm actually upset I didn't think of it sooner. I'm upset she's not around anymore to remind me. She would have reminded me that the certification and being fined and that upsetting woman and dealing with my landlady and being scared my lease wouldn't be renewed and then the other certification and stuff going on with my health was all a lot and it'd make perfect sense to stop trying to deal with things for a while and just do nothing - take a vacation.
So I am.
And I'm realizing how much I miss her. How much I miss someone who'd gotten to know me so well. How secure she made me feel. And I don't feel secure with the new guy. I try, but it just hasn't happened yet. I'm putting on a brave face and being honest and trying to be patient and give it time to work. But, I really miss my old therapist - a lot. And I really miss not having to explain things. I guess I miss having a Safe Space. And I'm exhausted from everything else I've been dealing with and having to do Willow 101.
Especially since it takes time away from me paying more attention to me and tracking what I need to break down and come to realize - stuff like with transporation and my knee and what being disabled means and my body and all this pain etc...
Also if you don't see me online - I'm being antisocial while on vacation. And if you do see me, you'll likely be one of very few who will.
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Not in chronological order at all:
1. Discovered I left a bag of groceries in my portico. Luckily it's been rainy and kind of cold and the bag held mostly rice and squash. Am maybe a touch worried about the grapes though.
2. Cleaned out the new kitty litter box completely, changed the liner, put in the -old- litter. Realized that it is significantly softer AND doesn't seem to track as much.
3. And so far nothing's been smelling, so the new box must help muchly there.
4. Realized that my carpet didn't mysteriously turn hard. That damn litter tracked EVERYWHERE.
5. Realized it was a good thing I didn't have the energy to put the futon down yet, or it'd have been pissed on in a river of cat urine (my cat likes her litter soft if she can help it)
6. Vacuumed the immediate area around the litter and tracked as far as the shelves by my computer desk. Then had to take a nap.
7. Also fed myself.
So I'm feeling pretty good about Saturday. And my thanks for all the suggestions on ways to mitigate pain. I am working on them and utilizing them when I can.
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Does Pre-slash have a definition?
I realized sometime yesterday that trying to change my personal word usage was confusing me, and confusing others. I've been mentioning HET, SLASH, ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS/PARTNERSHIPS and I realized that I was meaning HET (explicit) and SLASH (explicit) and ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS to mean those stories which were not explicit.
( Cue the scroll past as needed )
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I mentioned rediscovering Alien Nation, in that I'm seeing so much more and being fulfilled as a fan, a viewer, and a lover of SF. So I've been trying to make a list of other shows I enjoyed when I was younger.
* She Wolf of London (The Tv Series) - I liked it a lot when they were in London. It didn't fit for me so much when they moved to LA. I didn't bother to hunt it down much then. I can't remember much about it, other than being wonderfully cheesey (Oz's wolf suit had nothing on the She Wolf's) but liking it because the girl was the brawn and sometimes also the brains, the guy was geeky and not assumed to be physically strong. And I remember mutual saving. Then there's the fact that it was the first time I'd ever seen the thought that a woman could survive a werewolf attack. It'd always been male werewolves before.
Neither Netflix or Amazon show any mention of it, however, so I'm thinking it might be something to ask on the fannish grapevine for possible tapes. Though I will check torrents first.
M.A.N.T.I.S - Carl Lumby. 'Nuff said.
Robocop - The Series - I can't remember much about this one, honestly. I remember liking the futuristic city and being confused but curious about the concept of a city owned by a corporation. I was really young at the time and many Americanisms went sailing over my head. Doesn't seen to be much available for it either, though I found the intro series on youtube.
( The 90's were... )
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I've found and made my definitions. I've discovered that that there is an intensity and focus on the exploration of sexuality, as a community and by individuals in explicit fanfiction (what I've been calling Het and Slash) and romantic fanfiction that I'm not currently interested in, thus leading to a feeling of voyeurism and discomfort. And possibly boredom. And I've formally declared, that this is all my perspective, perception, and opinion.
Since hiding in my head was preferably on Wed to feeling my body (I swear my teeth were itching painfully as the storm got even closer), and still is, more: Willow, Gen, Genre, Self-Introspective
( Cut tag so people can just scroll past who wish to )
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Brief statement:
Slash != Dirty Bad Wrong
Sex != Dirty Bad Wrong
Porn !- Dirty Bad Wrong
I am writing about coming into fandom through Slash, hearing certain things about Gen and now, 6-7 years later, trying to discover what Gen is, how it's different from slash, what its history is, while also making my own defintions and realizing thatwhat questions I want the fic I read and any fic I write is not currently to be found in Slash (Explicit or Non Explicit), Het (Explicit or Non Explicit) or Gen (when defined as canonical romance - when the romance drives the story or answers the story's questions).
I've had a long conversation with my boo, involving X-Files fandom and the peculiarities of noromo and also of some of the history against Slash.
I am not against Slash.
Slash helped me learn about men, women, relationships and sexuality. Slash helped me form friends. Slash introduced me to online community as made family and support. I am no longer afraid of men, qua men, because of Slash.
I have mentioned this, in locked and unlocked posts and really don't expect people who've read me for more than a year, to think that's where I'm coming from.
My anger written about in my second post (Willow's Furhter Adventure's With Gen: The Rage Cycle) was about reading a bunch of slashers define Gen via what it wasn't and isn't, instead of what it is. Which clouded things for me. And about clicking on yet another story marked Gen, but which included sexual situations. And about reading people seemingly claiming that people who like Gen can't interact with the infrastructure created by Slash, since it skews towards eroticizing and sexualizing (perving) with the squee. And about realizing that I don't hear Gen spoken about all that much, that it doesn't come up in casual conversations the way other things have come up in slash meta conversations that I'm a part of. And about how angry I was to realize that I hadn't allowed myself to think about my own wants and needs because in a community that's all about figuring out one's wants and needs and kinks and more, I felt that I'd be labeled as repressed. So I spent a lot of time trying to figure out if I was.
If you want to know what I'm angry about - that's what I'm angry about. All those ANDS.
I'm not laying blame on anyone. I'm not judging anyone. I may hold my readinglist and my flist up against my image of myself, but that's it. Me going 'No, I don't actually want to interact like that/write that/follow that/explore that'.
That's not placing a value judgement on what other people read or what other people write. That is me going 'Not. For. Me'. And yes, the NOT FOR ME, I've discovered involves no sex and no smut and also no romantic focus. It wasn't me several years ago, but it's me now.
Some people like dub-con, some people like chan, some people like first times, some people like humour + sex, some people like PWP. I like stories which don't have a romantic or eros relationship as the driving force.
If my exploring what this means for me, the way I explore everything else in my journal, is too painful or triggering for you - it's on you to defriend, revoke access, remove me from your circle, scroll past. This has nothing to do with me 'growing a moral conscience' or whatever other bs phrase of similar thought applies.
I DON'T KNOW the history of Porn = Bad. Sex = Bad. Slash = Bad. No one's talked about it with me. The phonecall with my boo was the first time I heard 'it sounds a lot like when this happened, or people say this'. I came into fandom via Slash 3 - Through Spander and Sentinel. And never thought it was wrong. The one con I went too did not have the slash under the table. And a lot of the art (I couldn't afford) in the Gallery, was slash. I sat in the Con's Open Suite and heard all about Jurassic Park 3 as the Feel Good Slash Movie Of The Year. Putting Superman & Batman together made perfect sense to me the moment I heard of it when I found comic fandom overlapping fanfic fandom.
I'll check Fanlore for Slash (I hadn't thought of doing that, since I was looking up things in general, for Gen) - but hopefully it will have some of this history, which I don't know. When I first looked up Slash ages ago, it said something about Kirk and Spock and the / symbol and zines, but I actually got more information from attending that Con than the wikipedia page how many ever years ago.
If you eat a lot of chocolate, you might feel averse to it for a while. No matter how much you previously liked chocolate. Right now, I feel overwhelmed by sexuality. That has nothing to do with Slash being only about sex. What I have said is that SLASH and HET are about ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS and that's what I'm currently not feeling for.
____
1. I admit Torquere Press is more romantic erotica than 'porn' (even for broad swipe usages of the word porn) - My bad, ![[info] - personal](http://s.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png) ephemera.
2. zvi is my boo. She's an incredibly important part of my life and has helped me become who I am today. She's met my mother and dealt with her. And my father knows that she's someone not only he has to met, but whose family took me in. How I interact and respond to her applies only to her. And I think she's pretty capable of defending herself from anyone, far less me. This note applies to everyone but telesilla, for we have cleared a misunderstanding.
3. I just realized it might be important to note I came to Slash in the first place, via Shared Universe Erotica. Then came Sentinel (via a co-writer), Spander -> It's been 10 years from then till now, on top of not liking a shift in focus (for me) in the writing I come across, I may just be done. ↑
PS: No, I cannot cut tag this. Also comments closed here.
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ephemera has helped me with some definitions.
Willow's Definitions:
SLASH - Fic with a focus on m/m (or f/f) romantic relationships which drive the story forward.
HET - Fic with a focus on f/m romantic relationships, which drive the story forward.
GEN - Fic where the focus is on adventure, action, mystery, suspense or horror, world building or friend and family relationships, NOT romantic ones.
So here are my definitions for the purposes of those who still wonder what they can recc me. And so that anyone continuing to read will know where I'm coming from. I knew what I was thinking, but ephemera's use of the word focus, helped me pin down a definition (of Gen) that isn't defined by what it isn't. And it also helped me clarify why the relationships are important in Het and Slash - they are story drivers; the questions the story is meant to answer.
A made up Sentinel example:
Summary: When a particularly tough vice case comes back to haunt Jim, it sends shockwaves everywhere.
- Slash Version: How will these shockwaves affect Jim and Blair's relationship?
- Het Version: How will these shockwaves affect Jim and Megan (or Cassie, etc)'s relationship?
- Gen Version: How will these shockwaves affect who Jim thinks he is, how he sees himself? How will this affect the Major Crimes Unit? How will this affect his budding relationship with his brother? How will this affect his relationship with his father? How will this affect his relationship with his Captain? Will Jim stay in Major Crime?
( And now, the meat )
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I just deleted all my posts, except the ones made here from April and May and then re-imported my journal from LJ.
I may have mentioned the complication in doing that originally and then importing my iJay and ended up with doubles. The doubling kind of irked at me. But what really bothered me was LJ Archive not working to back everything up.
It kept timing out. I think the problem was all the comments.
But the point is, I need backups of my journal. It makes me feel so much better to have them. It's the story of my life, after all. So I decided that if people needed to read what went on in my life - they can check my iJay. It's got all proper filters, etc, etc, etc. If not, they can wait for me to - eventually unflock things here. I am in absolutely no rush - backing up my LJ is more about saving the comments on an actual journal site for some entries I want to continue being shared, without having to give LJ hits, blah blah, etc... with the conversations saved.
Unfortunately, LJ Archive is looking iffy backing up the comments despite everything. It seems to have managed 28, out of 9851. So it's wait and see time, and hope it really does back up...
Wait! I am GENIUS! I made a new archive and I'm now up to comment 173! So, tiny bit of hope! (uhm, why is it not showing the downloaded entries? - *sighs*)
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I think, somehow, that I've become a Gen fan. I mentioned this to zvi weeks ago, possibly months ago. After the conversation, her suggestion was that I'd become a Gen fan, and I should look up the Gen infrastructure.
I didn't.
I'm not sure why, actually. What I do know, is having certain things happen quite recently that made me uncomfortable, I had the thought hit me that "Hey, I'm a Gen Fan."
And now I feel the need to define that. Because by GEN, I don't mean 'Canon relationships only'. I am not pushing a Het4TheWin! posterboard anywhere.
I've just discovered I don't want to read about sex, anyone's sex. And the thing that's been surprising to me, is that I'm perfectly fine (or at least I think I am) dealing with sex in an RP situation. Quite possibly, I'm fine when sexual situations happen to characters when I'm rping with someone I trust - I don't rp with strangers all that much anymore. And the one exception? No sex. And I've been quite relieved about it.
So yeah, I don't want to read the descriptions written by strangers of characters I like enough that I hunted down their fannish led further adventures.
But, I think I just might be a Slash Infrastructure Snob.
Slash fandom is the only fandom I know. Ok, maybe way back when, when I hunted down Xena fic that wasn't slash fandom. But that had less to do with fandom as I understand it today and more about being a lesbian. If you'd told me back then that the people writing the stories which explored Gabrielle and Xena's relationship weren't lesbians, I wouldn't have just disbelieved you. I'd probably have hit you and pushed you out into the middle of the street (not my fault if a car happened by).
So again, Slash Fandom, is the only one I know. What I do know of Gen Fansom - well, it's not pretty. It's possibly propaganda mixed with a little truth, mixed with an undercurrent. But Gen Fandom = whiny little buggers who don't want to put in the work of carving out space for themselves, who complain that slash writers steal good gen writers (and somehow make them stop writing gen) and who have friction within their own ranks about just what Gen even means.
Which might explain part of my initial resistance to hunting down Gen stuff. Because if my current deal is not wanting to stumble onto any sex - then the canon het stuff (further explored) would just piss me the hell off. (No sex in my peanut butter, damnit! *gives Detective Chen the cut eye*)
Now of course I need to go put Gen in a search engine and see what pops up and if they've solved the definition problem (or if it's only certain quarters bothering to put up the word Het as a truer definition of their work). But I thought I'd face my feelings first and sort out all these messages I have about Gen, so I can deal with them.
Because I've become aware I need to catch myself on ablist thought, and transphobic thought and racist thought and misogynistic thought - but I have no mental filter against my community' quiet internal messages about Gen? And did I even get these messages from my community, the slash community at large, randomly on the internet? Where exactly?
In fact, now that I think about it ![[info] - livejournal.com](http://s.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif) copperbadge probably counts somewhere within Gen ranks. I've read a few things by him that I really enjoyed (though I admit to waiting with a very tense stomach for the sex to charge in on a Harley like a 60's propaganda biker stereotype and mess everything up). And while I think copperbadge needs to think more, and follow up more on ongoing internet discussions (particularly about race) before he opens his mouth and inserts both feet, properly coated in pig swill, up to his knees - I don't think of him as particularly lazy, whiny, infrastructure ignorant, overly entitled or any of that shit.
So when were the Slash/Gen wars? And how did I pick up on some kind of party line thoughts?
Oh, and if anyone wants to drop a line to the secret world of Gen fiction (maybe they should PM me - it is a secret, right?), my first internet search brings up the portmanteau 'noromo' - for which I'd like to say right now, I'm iffy about. Romance and a fade to black is alright. But I don't really want to read something that's about nothing but the romance between two characters.
Example; if I even liked Bones? I'd want a story about a case or an event, not an excuse to get Booth and Bones making barely there googoo eyes at one another.
Roughneck Chronicles has six romances going on, one character having three, the other having two. And I still adore it, re-watch it often and do not think said romances take time away from THE ENSEMBLE, which is my big thing.
But given the initial search engine look see - it seems as if noromo is a phrase that I should be looking for.
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Went to bed at 10pm Thursday night. Woke up at 5:30am today. By 9:30am, I wanted to claw the nerves on my dorsal side the hell out of my body. So I went back to bed. Figured I'd be bored but I actually fell asleep, somewhat.
3:30pm now and the storm's just passed over and now I know why I was so incredibly irritable. I'm really proud of myself for not pushing and just gong back to bed. Of course I've now slapped stuff on my backside, but things were beginning to ease off a little even before that. Dropping from about a 7 to a 2 or 3.
Why on earth did I not list it as really painful in my head earlier, I don't know. Maybe because it felt more like an itch than pain. Confused me.
But now I'm making rice and there's chicken I cooked this morning and I'll be fine.
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accomplished
exhausted
contemplative
curious, should be sleepy
pissed off