By Any Other Name
the tale of Willow

Date: 03:00AM | Sun, May 13th | 2012
Subject: Other News
Security: Public
Tags:--, about my mother

It's mother's day. It's arse o'clock in the morning, but it's still mother's day. And I survived other mother's day by thinking of all the amazing mothers I know; Karnythia, Kita06, Zvi's Mum & Aunt. But my mother called me yesterday to remind me today's mother day and to demand a gift. Or as I like to think of it; tribute.

I haven't bought a gift for my mother for mother's day, for more than 10+ years. I think at some point in the last couple of years I might have managed to send her a card. Maybe. Usually I treat myself to something special and either leave the house and relax in a bookstar and buy something, or go out to lunch or something. I care for me on mother's day; care for the aspects of myself that desperately needed mothering and never got it. I have a lot of thoughts on that, all wrapped up together - sparked by conversations I've observed online about black mothers protecting their children and being care-givers but not necessarily being able to the tenderness perhaps desired because of their own traumas, because of the battles they were facing; intergenerational trauma compounded. I know I love my mother (can't help it), while respecting and loathing her at the same time. And it's all complex and spun around involving the ways in which she did stand up for me, have my back and push me and the ways in which she utterly failed me, refused to see me and physically and emotionally damaged me.

It's complex.

And, this year, she wants tribute. And this year it's the first time in a long time, the very thought of it being mother's day makes it hard to breathe. There's this skin crawling, scratch inducing heavy weight - just from those simple words. And her 'assurance' that it's the 'thought that counts'. But y'know, I have until next week for something to arrive in the mail.

And I hate it. I hate it. And I know, I know I could just ignore it. Ignore her. Call her, hold my breath and never send 'tribute'. But then what happens? She's still a node to cross to interact with my siblings. And I made the decision to keep dealing with her for access to them.

But I hate this... mode. This frantic running around like a headless, self-harming chicken trying to think of what could 'please her' and thus allow me to live (emotinally) for another year. I've only fucking well just worked up to bying her Christmas and Birthday gifts again. Just last effing year. And now this? That was my mistake, wasn't it? Buying her a gift, setting up expectations. And now. Now this - horror.

And this after a day where I ended up doing phone call running around, because ven though we both have issues dealing w/ people on the phone. Somehow... 'can you do this for me', and me doing it - isn't a 'gift'. It's 'daughter responsibility' / 'sister responsibility'. And fuck. I hate that such seemingly little things, aren't. Aren't little. There are boundary pushing and self harm activating and make me want to eat charcoal and vomit for hours.


ETA: Tribute Purchased. My brother needs go get to college in Sept. I can't fuck this up.

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Date: 08:17PM | Thu, November 3rd | 2011
Subject: My Mom Bought Me A Phone Card
Security: Public
Mood:loved & overwhelmed loved & overwhelmed
Tags:about my mother

There are times when she is SO very much the Mom I want to have. I could cry. So for now, until I figure out if Skype is an option etc (and buy a comfortable headset for it, etc), I can make a few calls.

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Date: 12:54PM | Thu, October 20th | 2011
Subject: My Mother's Convinced There's No Way Chocolate Could Be Bad
Security: Public
Tags:about me, about my mother, effing_allergens

There's no way it could be causing me illls, it has to be that it was cheap chocolate, or 'American Chocolate'. Just as she's convinced that dairy isn't really affecting me, but it's a bacteria in the milk. At least she doesn't tell me to keep trying with dairy. But she's very much 'Don't give up on the chocolate' - and I can't tell if it's some part of her being sweet and asking if I've checked all options, or if it's part of her control issues wherein I can only eat what she says I can eat, when she says I can eat it.

Lack of consistency on what I was allowed to eat or not as a child, is part of why though my mother didn't like me eating bread and 'white flour' etc; occasionally she switched around what the bad foods were or 'treated' me and well. I had the thought yet again last night that consistency is very important to/for children.

And yes, while I ate wholewheat bread for most of my life, I'm aware that gluten doesn't care about the step in processing for the wheat.

Mom's suggests I try 'better' chocolate. Though one thing she said did make sense; preparation. Baker's/Baking Chocolate is essentially raw, it's not tempered, not heated, and that COULD in fact be affecting me. So I guess I'll buy some tempered dark chocolate on my own in the smallest possible quantity and test again. Cause I don't remember feeling the tension after the 'milk chocolate incident - just stomach gripes and itches, that I associate with dairy (and other intolerances) - while this situation may be the stimulant turning my muscles haywire.

On the other hand... when I think back to my incredulity last night, at the possibility the last 4 and a half years of intensified bodypain might be related to the increase of chocolate in my life... even if the initial reactions were from the stress of my living environment then - the cycle began - feel crap, have chocolate, feel crap, have chocolate.

And I guess... even though I wanted her to simply pay attention to how she feels 10-20 minutes after eating chocolate. I wasn't telling her not to eat it anymore. Just 'Whoa, this happened to me, and her, if it's a familial genetic thing...take some extra special attention, yeah?' But I guess it could also just be that chocolate isn't right for me and me alone. I'm the one dealing with body-pain disabilities. It might be too much for my system, because my system's already compromised.

And yes, this is how one conversation with my mother, one 10 minute convo can turn things upside down and inside out and donut knotted. And this was about chocolate! Complicated stuff like emotions, personal boundaries, psychological transgressions and aggressions - ha! You really don't want to see that ton of not pretty.

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Date: 10:36AM | Thu, July 21st | 2011
Subject: .. behold, it comes!
Security: Public
Tags:about my mother

I need therapy this week. I really likely do, what with my mother using my OMGWTF Doctors?! WHITE COAT SYNDROME _ GET THE BEHIND ME MEDICA to squirm into my life and crack that tiny space open with a crowbar. But I also feel physically shaky. At least my skin isn't itching to make me scratch to bleed (and not due to fortitude) today.

No serously, mom called me 4 times yesterday and at 9am this morning - all for the same thing. Just... no.

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Date: 05:52PM | Tue, July 5th | 2011
Subject: Unexpected Modern Family Funnies
Security: Public
Mood:rare happy mother related moment rare happy mother related moment
Tags:about my mother, feeling: happy

My Mom just called. She's apparently on her way to pick up my little sister and was trying to figure out where she was at the mall. Except, she called the wrong daughter. Took me a while to figure out what was going on - had a mild 'What? She's in my state?!'. Except there's no way my mom would have any idea what colour shirt I'd had on when I left the house. And I finally realized, she's likely got me in her phone under 'daughter', but she's got more than one..... **giggles** It was unexpectedly funny when I got to go " Mom! You're talking to the wrong child!"

Mom: **breaks out into laughter** "Oh shit. Talk to you later. Love you."

It's been years since I had a silly moment like that with my mom. For 1 brief minute, she was my Mom. The one I love unconditionally and fiercely. For 1 minute, she was not 'The Parental Unit'.

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Date: 04:39PM | Sat, June 25th | 2011
Subject: Some Letters
Security: Public
Tags:about my mother, dream bits, wth?

Dear Mum,

Please don't call me at 8am, when I think my sibs are out of state, because you just 'Have a question to ask me'. It results in a moment of muscle clenching, all body pain panic. And 'Oh shit'. Email exists FOR A REASON. Waking me out of sleep, I'm not going to remember a damn word you say anyway, except the general gist. So send the email return receipt, or just ask me to email you back to let you know I got it.

Dear Body,

WTH?! This thorbbing back-pain depdending on how I set or lie down? It brings up issues. Yes, it does. Also since when was a -womb- a joint to be affected by barometric pressure?

Dear Brain,

WTH was that dream about? The woman from Sisters? And weird 'white woman vs black man' election shenanigans, but the two are secretly in a relationship WHAT? No that is not inspiration. That is me wondering if HBO can be a virus.

Sincerely, Me.

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Date: 01:21PM | Tue, May 31st | 2011
Subject: Grr Argh
Security: Public
Tags:about my mother

Phoned mom. Told her send the money she owes me. No idea how much she's going to send. But my buffer is seriously compromised from buying the Kindle. I -should- take that money out of my savings. Don't know yet. Wary. Twitchy. Will see how much she sends and what happens. Just can't wait till I visit anymore.

And now I get away from trying to deal w/ bills and doing anything on the computer - cause my eyes bloody hurt.

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Date: 07:19AM | Mon, May 9th | 2011
Subject: Conclusions I Have Reached
Security: Public
Mood:uncomfortable uncomfortable
Tags:about me, about my mother, anxiety scale 8

People who think about replacing their electronics every two years, are not people I should be reading about for background information for a decision making on protecting or warrantying my own stuff. Also, people who complain about being given a refurbished electronic item in place of their own broken one.

Personally, I just don't get that. You're getting a working item. It is being replaced. Your money was not wasted, gone, smashed beyond repair. But the complaint is, 'It is refurbished'???!!! I can understand this comment only if the owie/crap/break/wth happened within the first, maybe 90 days of purchase. But after that, I honestly don't get it. You had your chance for a brand new, enjoyed the brand new, then the brand new broke and hey, someone's saying you will not have to do completely without. I mean, if they actually could fix yours, yours would NOW be refurbished/remanufactured (I can't ever quite remember which is which). But yours would definitely not be 'new'. And isn't the point of sending out a fixed replacement, that it IS fixed?

I feel a huge cultural chasm here, and I don't even know where the head or tail of it is. It is a fricking Great Divide (ATLAB) and I am all 'Squeaky-Blink, Squeaky Blink'.

Mother forgave me for not calling her till 'round 8 for mother's day. I admitted I'd slept through most of the day. Cramps hit me, I curled up to sleep and was just out. My body's natural solution to 'Oh effing heck it HURTS me in my womb!'. Which, unfortunately doesn't work when it's 'OMEffing Heck it hurts me in my muscles, skin, joints - everywhere'. Then lying down just feels painful and burny.

Angry woman is scheduled for tomorrow. Cleaners are supposed to show up today. I'm counting this a hurdle to get past so i can breathe for a bit till the 17th. Am feeling panic in my lungs at the thought of having to visit my mother after that though. I want to see my siblings very, very, badly. But...Mom is being SO Mom. Like, really. Mom Cubed, these days. I don't know why I keep affirming that I'm going when I'm this panicked about it, actually. I think part of me feels the OMGWTF will go away once I'm there. Plus I've other current reasons to feel anxious, so Def Con 1 may go down a few levels with the other strains off my back.

Grocery shopping needs to happen. I am having further anxiety issues around that. Food issues. I keep asking my therapist for book referrals and stuff, haven't even thought till now to go look anything up in the library myself. Except, maybe, I used to scoff at them somewhat. In terms of not recognizing myself at all. And now... now I'm kind of 'Oh Willow, you control freak....' and tisking. I am also aware that my awareness on this issue is likely fractured.

Speaking of food siblings. Oh eff damn, my siblings. My sister has always been a 'I can't be fat! I can't be fat!' with lots of Mom praise on that front. So it's been little talks here and there about her focusing on staying healthy. But now my mom's getting needle spikes into my brother's brain and I'm just.... It's such a control issues thing, trying to hold on to what little we have. But I'm the one further down the line who sees the repercussions it can have.

Ok, gonna stop now before I depress myself and start comparing what I can manage to what I see others accomplishing. Cause wow, emotions and brain stuff are kicking my ass.

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Date: 12:29AM | Sat, May 7th | 2011
Subject: Mother's Day Is Tomorrow
Security: Public
Mood:oh shit! oh shit!
Tags:about me, about my mother

Like, I knew theoretically that Mother's Day was soonish - cause it was related to whether or not I buy a kindle and get the offered gift certificate. But oh crap, I haven't been paying attention to it as MOTHER'S DAY. I haven't mentally prepared for it - for dealing with my mother and MOTHER's DAY.

And it's even worse because of the whole 'when are you coming to visit' and last time we spoke, I told her I was trying for sometime in May. And I thought I'd just have to deal with her anger it didn't happen before my brothe's big test. But now? MOTHER'S DAY. And my brain isn't even fully recovered from therapy on Thursday that yes, dealt with some mother issues; a tangled octopus of emotional expectations and mental arguments that tied me still and frozen in knots to the point I wanted to set my hair on fire.

And oh fuck. MOTHER'S DAY.

One day is not enough to figure out if I'm calling, not calling, wishing well, what. Oh shit. I suppose at this point in my life and my siblings' lives it's a grease the wheel function for them. But oh shit. I am not mentally prepared for the mind games and the... Oh shit!

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Date: 10:28PM | Thu, April 21st | 2011
Subject: This Post May Trigger
Security: Public
Mood:oh hai there bulumia oh hai there bulumia
Tags:about my mother, feeling: anxiety, feeling: highly upset, food intolerances, food issues

Have I mentioned the part where naproxen has helped my shoulder and back? Part of that, I admit, could be, me having something to eat first thing today instead of trying to half-ass manage in the kitchen while having horrid pain and ending up starving myself for indecision and going slow.

But it's so damn frustrating. I made the decision, paid for the food - which seems all utter slop. The order was wrong and I only just now noticed, the food is greasy. I forgot the whole no dairy thing, had a milkshake have felt (still feel) like crap. Can't finish the current food, cause I'm wondering about wheat/flour despite instructions because just eating a little of it has my stomach doing weird bathroom somersaults again. My insides feel unclean.

Grr. Arrgh. Ugh.

And of course, a part of me that's read too many books recently about gluten intolerance is now imagining the food particles as little barbarian sword's men, having drunken bar brawls with stabbing in my intestines and hurting them all over again after a relative 6 weeks or so of dawning reprieve.

Also it just.... it takes SO much out of me to spend money on things; on clothes for myself, on things I want and have the money on (have been gifted for), far less things I need. But I'd worked so hard to ease up on that for food. And well now, I feel like that work has stabbed me in the back - because I can work myself up to doing it. It might take me a whole day, vs 2 months or more with anything else. But I can. But it's not going to actually help anymore. It's the wrong thing to do. And my crazy impulse to just buy $50 worth of fruit and meat from the supermarket just may have been the MORe productive impulse or thought. And I've no idea how I'm going to wrap my food/money spending issues around that.

And I loathe feeling like money wasn't spent wisely. It sets me off. So there's a SURPRISE 25$ wafting in the wind like a cartoon money bird flying away (extra money cause Foodler didn't have the right prices even and the delivery person didn't even give me a recipet to look at to sign and I was in too much pain to argue).

Mother related )

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Date: 09:24PM | Thu, April 7th | 2011
Subject: Ow
Security: Public
Tags:about me, about my mother

Called my mother to get a sense of how much almond flour or almonds cost and how it tastes in cooking - I know she uses it. She was all curious and nosey and poking. And then went off on how I needed to get a refund for something bought over a YEAR ago - something I asked her if she thought was needed and even offered half the payment for (and as far as I'm concerned paid half of since it all came out of my bank account for purchase). And she's now claiming she's been telling me for months to try and get this refund. And...

I have promises to keep. Interactions with my mother make it so. damn. hard.

Meanwhile, the battle to actually buy some things continues - as if my very wanting of a thing, is th reason not to get it, proof it isn't a desperate need.

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Date: 07:00PM | Tue, April 5th | 2011
Subject: Rambly Exhausted
Security: Public
Tags:about my mother, about my siblings, errands: house stuff

* Vacuumed modestly.

* Took out recyling.

* Put house signs on trash bins w/ duct tape

* Swept bin area.

* Swept up back yard.

* Took out old kitty litter.

* Changed litter.

* Managed to cook lunch, and am heating up dinner.

It doesn't really seem like much when I put it all out like that, especially with how much -better- I've felt, the elation of having extra spoons that weren't there before. But, I'm about to fall over right now. My hip hurts. My joints are popping. And well, I think I may have over did it some. Oh yeah, my potatoes came today, so that was 5 lbs each to take into the house, and it was 3 sets of old litter to take out too. AND that's not counting the emotional spoons of talking to my littlest brother and talking to my sister, and talking to Zvi last night.

I'm still in shock at the fact I feel so much -better- and yet my health is more messed up than it was last year. I've told friends it makes me feel like I'm a walking corpse; I look fresh on the outside, but I'm rotting away on the inside, and zombie like have no clue about it. Considering how much I loathe zombies, how much the concept freaks me out, to even make that kind of comparison should give a good idea of where I am mentally about my heath and my body.

Meanwhile my Mom's being 'My Mom'. And it's happened. The reason, the main reason, I didn't kill myself; made the decision to live. It wasn't about me wanting to live my life for me, not 100%. Not the forward 100%. It was about being there for my siblings, not being an example of being defeated; getting the chance to be a shoulder. I survived a whole bunch of stuff cause I kept being told that every child is born into a different family and that my siblings have one another.

They do.

And, they don't.

Life In The Mom Zone )

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Date: 02:02PM | Tue, March 29th | 2011
Subject: **face-palm**
Security: Public
Tags:about my mother, health: physical

Because it seemed my mother may have been right after all about the wheat allergy - I actually tried to talk to her about upcoming doctor's appt. I am such an idiot.

I just got a little lecture on G-d and how that plays into diet and health and how I should eat biblically. And and and....

I realized all over again, that it was sane of me to discard my mother's comments on diet in the past. Me discovering things about gluten intolerance is me looking into things; thinking about things; doing research. It is not buying into my mother's weird convoluted only eat this, at this time of day while facing east or west, etc diets.

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Date: 12:37PM | Fri, March 4th | 2011
Subject: Hysterical Laughter
Security: Public
Mood:tired tired
Tags:about my mother

Remember how I had that thing happen with my mother, and I figured out it had more to do with her and her thoughts concerning my littlest brother about what a rotten person/rotten sister I am etc? Just got snailmail from my littlest brother - disowning me. My 9-10 yr old brother is disowning me. This could not be more classic mom. Seriously.

Unfortunately now I don't know if I can even leave the house to put my rent check in the mail, far less make it to therapy. Because this thing hurts my gut. It's just - so Mom. Just got an email from her too saying the monies she owes me, I was supposed to collect when I came to visit. I laugh at that, since that was never the case, I kept telling her to get to the damn post office. And also, she KNOWS now that I don't want to visit with her behaving this way.

I'm not completely crushed. But it does hurt that she's ot - well I know it's supposed to be my littest brother but well, there's three signatures. One supposedly from each of my siblings.

Sometimes my family, my mother, is just so dysfunctional.

And the funny thing? The funny thing is that if I take advantage of this, if I really try to have nothing further to do with going up there, or calling her etc.... In a few weeks she'll get SO upset and further angry and then depressed and cloying and just.... I'm so tired of this shit. So. so tired.

Ok, maybe I am depressed. Depressed to see this stupid ass game rolling itself out like nothing has changed. Like nothing about me has changed. Like I DON'T know the game.

ETA: Oh, I just noticed, the littest one also wrote a big I HATE YOU on the back.

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Date: 02:51PM | Thu, March 3rd | 2011
Subject: Uh oh, perhaps to dream...
Security: Public
Mood:contemplative contemplative
Tags:about me, about my mother, dreams, online: journaling systems

There's something ver strange about two complicated dreams in a row. I don't call them nightmares... except, maybe one really was, since it got the adrenaline going. But it's not what I ordinarily think of as a nightmare, more of a bad dream.

The First: I'm apparently an accomplished ship's captain, navigating a ship (cruise ship) to Minneapolis for some reason. And then, 8 minutes till, the wheel goes out of my control. I try a shift of a large vehicle, and end up turning sharply to the right, and into a whole circle, and then the proper shore won't line up right and the ship somehow strays onto a road, gains wheels and continues to be out of control by not stopping, not turning when I want, and when I do manage to get it to slow down, by startling up again by itself. Meanwhile at some point I'm somehow thrown out of the 'driver's seat' and am trying to convince the person now behind the wheel to step on the breaks and pull up the handbreak (yes, I know it's a ship, or was, but now it's a bloody bus). But I can't tell if they're teasing me by only pretending to do what I say, or if the vehicle is out of control for them too. And all I'm focused on is getting the damn thing to pause enough so people can get off the damn thing safely - even if they have to leave their goods behind.

The Second: And then at some point I wake up, and my adrenal glands hurt and I manage to get back to sleep (which is odd csince I woke up at 2am, decided to take a nap near 5am and ended up sleeping, dreams and all to 2pm). But it's another vehicle related dream. There's some sort of carpool or destination and I'm supposed to go with, I think it's my mother or in the dream it's supposed to be my mother, but definitely a female person who represents family and matriarchal authority. But somehow I end up in a van, with a group of different girls/women and we're some sort of support club or activity club, picking up and meeting other women for the first time, and commenting on the scenery and where would be good places for outings and I realize the time is 1:30 ad say I have to be getting back because my family will be upset I even bothered to come, rather than go with them. And there's a general of awwwh, really? And I can feel I'm not looking forward at all to dealing with my family but it must be done. And just as I'm insisting I have to go - I wake up.


There could be more subtle things going on, but it does seem obvious that I'm associating female persons who represent family as authority figures who don't let me live my own life and demand I bow down to their authority as to what I do or do not do. And even so, I try to navigate by attempting to balance my wants with their wants, in a dance no one really appreciates - with the odd fear that if I don't, my blood family will just up and leave me behind and BLAME me for THEM leaving me behind (family caravan going somewhere but I go with friends, wanting to try and meet up with them later, but I 'shouldn't' have gone at all according to them and they won't wait long for me to go off and attempt to have my own life).

And the first dream pretty damn much feels like 1) I don't wver want to drive and 2) I feel like trying to live my own life is this huge... thing. And that it runs away from me. I can't control it. I'm NOT in control no matter what I think, no matter how many times I check my wallet and see the required licences. The vehicle won't let me be in control.

Which is downright freaky.

Can I blame it all on how things played out recently with my mother? And further this week with her cool 'I guess you're not talking to me then'. I can tell it was meant to guilt me. And she tried talking to me anyway, I just didn't answer. I wanted to talk to my sister, not to her. But I guess my subconscious is convinced I'm going to pay for that.

Meanwhile/In Other News: It's a little sad to see people deleting their iJay's. And even weirder to see people who were so stuck on LJ, slowly turning up at DW. And I hear Inksome once Scribble is closing down by Month's end or something. Feels like iJay's becoming the new GJ from a culture pov (more rp, less personal journals, less fiction style fandom). I wonder if I will ever get over erasing my words to try and get DW to work for me, whether or not there was a copy of said words elsewhere.... More life a bit out of my control...

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Date: 09:52AM | Sat, January 1st | 2011
Subject: Siiiigh
Security: Public
Tags:about my mother

Sometimes I love my mother - sometimes it seems like she gets it. But most frustrating is when she gets it, up to a point and then swerves left into xenophobe bigot land. Somehow China isn't being exploited, while also having some advantages. China planned a slow war of financial attrition. And that's not even the -tip- of the iceberg.

It's kind of hard when one has to read between the lines for wisdom from one's parent.

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Date: 06:16AM | Sat, October 30th | 2010
Subject: Before I Forgot
Security: Public
Tags:about my mother, question everything, the world: 2010, wtf!, wth?

I know I'm not doing that well, and perhaps the universe is trying to be compassionate, when my mother basically says in a conversation;

"There's this girl I know, who was in a serious relationship a few years ago, and then broke it and it was all sad. But I ran into her the other day and she's doing so much better blah blah blah and do you want me to give you her number?"

That's right. My mother, my mother, my mother, did a bit of a 'set you up with someone'. A someone who is female.


Munch on that.

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Date: 12:43PM | Wed, August 4th | 2010
Subject: My Mother...
Security: Public
Tags:about my mother


I wish I could put it into words. I've observed my little sister is very zen/mellow about things; or at least she tries to be. I'm not sure how really mellow she is, I was pretty damn accepting myself, until I broke. And she's developed her own (somewhat unhealthy) coping mechanisms. Right now, however, I'm just so...

She calls, you see, and has expectations. And it's all loving and thoughtful and caring - but there's no real consideration of how her probing questions, or blunt statements or demands will affect you. Do this, she says and expects you to do it. And if it has to do with your health, it would see totally rationally to hop to it. But, for example, I can't just call my doctor and ask certain questions etc. It's something I have to build up to.

Pressure & guilt.

I'd worked hard to have defenses for this. But recently I've been dealing with mood swings and now I feel like I'm back at the beginning when it comes to dealing with her all over again. That I barely have a sword shield up, or a flimsy door.

She's currently very concerned about other family members going through medical stuff, and the more worried she gets about one, the more worried she gets about all - the bossier and more demanding and strident and 'This is your health!' and pressure and...and...

Tears. And wanting to self comfort with all sorts of things. Right this moment it's been food, since anything else would likely greatly alarm my little sister. Which is both positive and negative since food has it's own issues. And...

And having this spectre of mom breathing down both our necks detracts, just a bit, from the time we're spending together. It's been such a long time since I had her calling and checking on me every day. Or at least, when I'm by myself, I can ignore her and not answer the phone, etc. Whereas, here with my little sister with me, I can't. Because that'd be an excuse for her to send my stepfather rushing down to collect my sister fearing some emergency. I got mildly chewed out for not hearing my own cellphone ring, and then noting she'd called but becoming distracted and not calling her back right away, sometime two days ago.

My mother - raising my anxiety levels to 'Beyond Self Hurt To Graphic Injury + Hospital Stay.

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Date: 03:56AM | Thu, May 13th | 2010
Subject: Update-y
Security: Public
Tags:about me, about my mother, anxiety scale 7, doctor things, thinky thoughts

Bared my soul on my DW comm before heading to therapy - then bared my soul more there. All and all it was a productive day. Oh, by the way, am feeling MUCH better now, drinking out of a GLASS JAR.

The baring my soul bit is going to get expanded on more in therapy. Because I think I need some professional tools to get past the rage and other knotted emotions when it comes to my writing. I'm admitting I cannot heal with purely my own fortitude - especially since it's not a situation where I can totally isolate myself from constant reminders of what makes me so upset in the first place.

Tomorrow is the doctor's visit. Whatever happens, I need to treat the hell out of myself SOMEHOW. Balancing health anxiety ontop of other factors; plus those other factors themselves - heck I still have to find the mental energy to switch banks. And today I revealed that high anxiety equals mental confusion; well maybe not so much 'revealed' as the events this past weekend have given me concrete proof (that I can now put in my journal / lj archive and find to remind myself). Funny how total mental confusion only feels like being mildly dazed, until you realize all the things you're not paying attention to.

I cannot wait to have this doctor stuff sorted out, so I can tell my mother to back the hell off - because her well meant intrusiveness is wearing me the hell out. And I just keep reminding myself that I know how to cut her off, I've done it before and contrary to everything she's said, I can do it again - it's not a factor of the meds I was on or the doctor I was seeing that had me putting up a huge buffer zone for my own sanity. And I have to admit, when I'm worried about my health - wanting my mother around for various forms of comfort and assurance is like jonesing for something (my only personal experience however being self-harm). Though it's about being 'addicted' to abusive/intrusive behavior' - it's about what I'll put up with in order to feel comforted. I know my mother - how she disappoints and how she comes through. Trusting other people without all those years of history is -- difficult is an extreme understatement.

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Date: 04:37AM | Tue, February 23rd | 2010
Subject: ...
Security: Public
Tags:about my mother, about my siblings, my family

I'm going to be off to visit my mother and siblings for two weeks starting from today. Right now I'm reminding myself that attempting to make a 4am bus because it would be easier for -them-, while making me a basket case of anxiety is truly screwed up. I should go for what I can manage, and what doesn't make me freak out. But I hardly think I'm thinking all that straight right now.

I'm finding myself spending a lot of time mourning the fact I didn't buy an MP4 player (haven't touched my holiday gift yet, having no headphones) and wondeirng what the heck I'm supposed to do for all that time up there, while my sibs are in school, etc. My mother and I can't go shopping -everyday-. I think that might drive me 'off'.

Currently trying to quick burn some discs to take with me - those should eat up some hours with video watching.

Note to self: There's no point going visiting if I'm being triggered to self inury, yes?

It's odd how my mother can say 'The big deal is you being rested' and yet that not being what my hind brain hears.

Date stamp for this will show I gave up the 4 am madness

Going to try and rest a bit more.

PS: Fickle, I fwd-ed my phone.

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Date: 01:46PM | Sat, December 5th | 2009
Subject: Oh Dear
Security: Public
Mood:indescribable indescribable
Tags:about my mother, about my siblings, my family

Unhappy Pet News Family related. )

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Date: 08:16PM | Thu, September 3rd | 2009
Subject: Random Brain Storm
Security: Public
Mood:whoa-ed whoa-ed
Music:Little Wonders - Rob Thomas
Tags:about my mother, health: mental, therapy with dr. yoda, thinky thoughts, whoa

No matter what happens with me and my mom - a whole lot of control issues and other stuff - it's not just because she's my Mom that I feel ties to her despite everything. It's because my mom and I have been that odd couple against the world. Us vs them. And it really is one of those experiences where no one but the person who lived it with you can ever really understand. That's what ties us together more so than the fact that she's my mom and I'm supposed to love her.

I can't help loving the person who held my head above water in some really dire situations, even if in other situations they may have been holding my head down.

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Date: 12:50PM | Thu, December 25th | 2008
Subject: Hello the 25th
Security: Public
Tags:about my mother, about my siblings, holiday visitations, my second family

Happy Christmas Flist,

Happy continued Channukah to those of you celebrating that as well.

I'm currently having pound cake for breakfast and my other little brother and I are each on a computer being incredibly nerdy and according to my Dad's teasing 'being antisocial'. It's pretty cool. I'm also basically the family's gift this year, which means that everything's pretty darn mellow indeed.

Emotional )

But being a Christmas gift is pretty cool and my second family is pretty cool about distracting me from feeling too sad or conflicted or guilty.

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Date: 08:58PM | Fri, November 7th | 2008
Subject: So...
Security: Public
Mood:tired tired
Tags:about my mother

My mother just called me. And she bust out with "Oh good, you're not dead!" Apparently because I didn't call her the instant, or day after, or day after that that Obama won - I had to be dead.

Sometimes it's just so very effing apparent that my mother doesn't know me very well. She seriously expected me to voluntarily get on the phone, for Obama.

I know people have been mockingly calling him Obama Messiah. But he could change water to wine and still not get me to voluntarily call my mother. Heck, I have to work up to calling my father and I like and mostly trust him.

... I might call if Obama magically created world peace though. That's worth a phone call.

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Date: 03:48PM | Sun, May 11th | 2008
Subject: sh*t d*mn m*therf*cker
Security: Public
Mood:broody broody
Tags:about my mother

Today is y'know...

I will be avoiding my phone n'stuff cause the stress OMFG.

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Date: 08:58PM | Tue, April 22nd | 2008
Subject: My mother is driving me CRAZY! Send bail money.
Security: Public
Mood:frustrated frustrated
Tags:about my mother, computer adventures

If I paid as little attention to my mother; her advice and warnings, as she does to me? She'd have beaten me till blood ran.

Me ( Last yr! 6 months ago! In MARCH!!!!! ) :

Mom if you've got good security programs; firewall, resistery scanner, antivirus and you're using Firefox, you don't need a lot of the patches and crap they keep giving you. It's unnecessary and the cure is worse than the disease. I"ll let you know when you need to install.

Email today from my mother:

< Real Name >, I got that 30 day antivirus thing you linked me to (unrelated computer wtf) but the computer keeps crashing. All the time. Those updates didn't help!

Me: What updates?

Mother: The Windows Updates! I didn't do all of them, just like you said, but something in them messed my computer up? What do I need to do to fix this?

Me: *headdesk* I TOLD YOU NOT TO DO THAT! I told you not to install windows patches!!!!

Me: If it doesn't clear itself up you'll have to re-install. I can't fix it. I don't know what the hell you did!

Me: I'm going to put ice on my knee now. Don't email me again tonight.

I seriously need my mother's financial help to move. But Cheeseontoastedseseecrackers! Expensive fluid ice cubes! She doesn't LISTEN!

Not even to stuff like this!

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Date: 02:14AM | Fri, February 29th | 2008
Subject: Thoughts On Identity
Security: Public
Tags:about me, about my mother, thoughts on: things to process

When my mother was visiting, I forget what exactly we were doing, but she said something that was base and anti-Latino. When doesn't she say something that's anti-Latino. I have this need to understand where this comes from and if it really is all about visas and the struggle of immigrants from the Caribbean and perhaps a need that other immigrants also struggle and don't have it somehow 'easier'.

I don't know.

Anyway, somehow we were talking about my relatives in the Caribbean and my mother began insisting that patois, the second language of the country of my birth, was in fact creole - which is a mixture of French and some African terms.

And I was looking at my mother like she was crazy, because the whole point of why someone from the hills where my family is from can't instantly start up a conversation with someone who speaks creole from Haiti, is because the languages are not the same/ or if they originally were they have shifted.

If I'm wrong, though, someone please tell me. Never mind I looked it up. And my mother may have been speaking in broader terms of 'french creole languages'. Though I doubt it. And my folk speak Antilles Creole, which is related to Haitian Creole but is not it. And it's Haitian Creole that has the Spanish influences. I knew one of them had Spanish and Portuguese.

Anyway, my mother's insistence included her telling me there there was no Spanish at my roots. It swung right into her saying 'And stop thinking you're cocoa panyol. You're not.'

And I just looked at her.

This gets long )

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Date: 10:25PM | Mon, February 25th | 2008
Subject: Revelations I Had This Weekend
Security: Public
Tags:about family, about my mother, about my siblings, therapy / therapy day

Very. Very. Long )

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Date: 07:22PM | Wed, January 16th | 2008
Subject: Ouch
Security: Public
Mood:don't ask don't ask
Tags:about my mother

I just noticed I have 6 emails from my mother. In one she talks about me not living alone and maybe having to make the hard choice to come back home with her. Or I think that's what she said. I could be mistaken as I started generally skimming the letter at that point.

I will now avoid my mother for as long as possible.

And the only reason I'm not panicking is that one of the emails has the subject title 'have you tried urine therapy'.

It reminds me that my mother might not be all there.

Listen I don't care if they come out and say urine therap cures skin cancer - I'll still be 'eeewh'. And I'm pretty sure for skin cancer you'd have to rub it on and not drink it.

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Date: 09:58AM | Sat, January 12th | 2008
Subject: My mother
Security: Public
Tags:about me, about my mother


She always knows.


And people wonder why I thought she was g-d. First thing out of her mouth after I'd said hello to the phone was "What's wrong?"

I have distracted her from how freaked I am about the apt, with my health.

At least there's no urine. But lots of Ayurvedic herbs. All she needs to tell me next is to burn incense and say my Ohms. This is my Indian mother, as opposed to my New Age Mother as opposed to my Born Again Christian Mother.

Truth is though, all my Moms like to control what I (and my siblings) are eating.

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turn the page
By Any Other Name
of Willow
January 2016