By Any Other Name
the tale of Willow

Date: 07:19AM | Mon, May 9th | 2011
Subject: Conclusions I Have Reached
Security: Public
Mood:uncomfortable uncomfortable
Tags:about me, about my mother, anxiety scale 8

People who think about replacing their electronics every two years, are not people I should be reading about for background information for a decision making on protecting or warrantying my own stuff. Also, people who complain about being given a refurbished electronic item in place of their own broken one.

Personally, I just don't get that. You're getting a working item. It is being replaced. Your money was not wasted, gone, smashed beyond repair. But the complaint is, 'It is refurbished'???!!! I can understand this comment only if the owie/crap/break/wth happened within the first, maybe 90 days of purchase. But after that, I honestly don't get it. You had your chance for a brand new, enjoyed the brand new, then the brand new broke and hey, someone's saying you will not have to do completely without. I mean, if they actually could fix yours, yours would NOW be refurbished/remanufactured (I can't ever quite remember which is which). But yours would definitely not be 'new'. And isn't the point of sending out a fixed replacement, that it IS fixed?

I feel a huge cultural chasm here, and I don't even know where the head or tail of it is. It is a fricking Great Divide (ATLAB) and I am all 'Squeaky-Blink, Squeaky Blink'.

Mother forgave me for not calling her till 'round 8 for mother's day. I admitted I'd slept through most of the day. Cramps hit me, I curled up to sleep and was just out. My body's natural solution to 'Oh effing heck it HURTS me in my womb!'. Which, unfortunately doesn't work when it's 'OMEffing Heck it hurts me in my muscles, skin, joints - everywhere'. Then lying down just feels painful and burny.

Angry woman is scheduled for tomorrow. Cleaners are supposed to show up today. I'm counting this a hurdle to get past so i can breathe for a bit till the 17th. Am feeling panic in my lungs at the thought of having to visit my mother after that though. I want to see my siblings very, very, badly. But...Mom is being SO Mom. Like, really. Mom Cubed, these days. I don't know why I keep affirming that I'm going when I'm this panicked about it, actually. I think part of me feels the OMGWTF will go away once I'm there. Plus I've other current reasons to feel anxious, so Def Con 1 may go down a few levels with the other strains off my back.

Grocery shopping needs to happen. I am having further anxiety issues around that. Food issues. I keep asking my therapist for book referrals and stuff, haven't even thought till now to go look anything up in the library myself. Except, maybe, I used to scoff at them somewhat. In terms of not recognizing myself at all. And now... now I'm kind of 'Oh Willow, you control freak....' and tisking. I am also aware that my awareness on this issue is likely fractured.

Speaking of food siblings. Oh eff damn, my siblings. My sister has always been a 'I can't be fat! I can't be fat!' with lots of Mom praise on that front. So it's been little talks here and there about her focusing on staying healthy. But now my mom's getting needle spikes into my brother's brain and I'm just.... It's such a control issues thing, trying to hold on to what little we have. But I'm the one further down the line who sees the repercussions it can have.

Ok, gonna stop now before I depress myself and start comparing what I can manage to what I see others accomplishing. Cause wow, emotions and brain stuff are kicking my ass.

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Date: 09:40AM | Tue, February 1st | 2011
Subject: Bzz Bzz Splat
Security: Public
Tags:anxiety scale 8, freakout level: 9

1. Dental Appt Made (at the dental place for Clinic of Doom). They can at least look at it, right? And different employees at least.

2. Called therapist and explained I'm freaking out of my mind. Am worried about that appt, and how weather affects regular therapy.

3. Called housing stuff to get info and find out what happens if I need to reschedule.

Now I feel like I want my head to explode or something. Luckily tooth problems means I -won't- bang myself against walls, cause don't need more pain or that kind of damage. But whoa anxiety is like a bore worm to the brain.

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By Any Other Name
of Willow
January 2016