By Any Other Name
the tale of Willow

Date: 01:57AM | Thu, August 18th | 2011
Subject: Computer Seems Online/Working Now
Security: Public
Tags:anxiety scale 9, computer adventures, health: mental

PSU In. Am now freaking out SO HARD. I can't even - I'm in tears.

Note: I should have a live linux cd somewhere, but if not, I'll make another one and put it somewhere even more obvious (thank you for the suggestion, Yeloson).

Didn't expect to freak when it showed up, and thus need 6.5 hours to put things together because my brain/memory wouldn't work when it came to how things hooked up. Don't think I can order groceries tonight for delivery tomorrow and I am SO out of food, one meal left I think. Maybe two if I count some eggs.


ETA: I have thoughts. Lots of thoughts. And long hand SUCKS for journal writing. It hurts, which is something my therapist was looking into but which I now have to remind him about. Cause damn.

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Date: 12:40PM | Tue, May 10th | 2011
Subject: Life As I Know It
Security: Public
Tags:anxiety scale 9, willow's warren

Angry scary crappy mean woman was here and gone. Couldn't leave the hosue due to back spasms. So couldn't leave the house. Especially not if I want to attempt to get to therapy tomorrow and not wear myself out. Curled up in my bedroom with the cat. Anxiety levels went through the ROOF when I heard her voice. Next year, may crawl the hell outside no matter how badly I'm feeling, cause damn - my chest and spine felt like they were gonna explode through my heart and up through my mouth.

Anyway, landlady tried to tell me later (via phone) it's just how angry scary crappy woman is, so I shouldn't take it personally. Upstairs she got into upstairs neighbour's business, asking why her son was out of school on a school day since he didn't look sick. Making a point without saying anything and tapping her little ticket book. So upstairs neighbour's son got sent to school. I don't know his business. Landlady doesn't know his business. But he had to at least leave the house, in his school uniform while she was there.

I think landlady seeing the good in everyone is a wonderful thing. Especially for me. But angry scary crappy lady is a busy body , ablist and MEAN as fuck and I'm not likely to change my mind.

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Date: 09:35PM | Tue, April 12th | 2011
Subject: --
Security: Public
Tags:anxiety scale 9, feeling: anxiety

Ok, not again. I was trying to be all brave and responsible and do the stick test (found batteries for the tester). But I can't put myself through the panic beforehand, and then the bruising and dangerous thoughts after. Just hell no. No, it is not worth it.

I am a shaking, crying, near drooling mess and now I've got to fight off dark obsessions. So not worth it.

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Date: 03:11PM | Sat, January 8th | 2011
Subject: Sometimes I Forget. And Then Suddenly I Fear A Gun
Security: Public
Tags:anxiety scale 9, health: mental

Making the wrong choice in buying a bed and spending $50 - if that is what happened, but right now is unconfirmed because I am hungry and anxious and not thinking properly or focusing properly - will NOT lead to death, maiming, dismemberment, abject poverty or worse.

Neither will buying take-out, no matter how many other times this week I bought take out; because I should not be near sharp objects & fire right now.

ETA: I remember being multiple, I think I forget and maybe I do 5% of the time. But I remember being multiple. It's the damn PTSD that I think I'm 'getting over' that I really am not. Oh flashbacks. I want to hit you with a mac truck.

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Date: 06:27AM | Fri, November 27th | 2009
Subject: *shaking, shaking more*
Security: Public
Tags:anxiety scale 9, omgwtfbbq!

Have just bought myself an external hd enclosure, and a internal hd. Cost just over $100. I can buy books. I can buy food. I can buy groceries. I can pay my bills. But when it comes to certain purchases I end up like this, wanting to pee and vomit on myself in total fear that I made the wrong choice, didn't do enough research, didn't do enough number crunching.

I know I researched this for most of the year. I know that my experiences with TigerDirect were positive several years ago, and chances are they'll be positive again. My mother's experiences are not my own, especially given how she tends to complicate a situation.

Still, logic? Ain't no friend of anxiety. Logic gets the 'Talk to the Hand' and Anxiety sashays off and owns the place.

PS: Waited an hour and a half to add a $7 mouse to my order. My order? Already processed and in a box. And thus I'd have to pay shipping. So uhm, guess I'll mosy down to Target or something - if I find the energy, and see what I can do and hope things last out till then.

PPS: The Media Player of my dreams, ie, with features I've been dreaming about? Just became available. Of course I just spent money on myself. So I have difficulty seeing me spending even -more- money on myself. Guess I should take comfort knowing it is -here-. (ETA: OMG it has ... ok, this would just be boring tech gush. But it has unexpected tech gush. Seriously, if they threw in a camera, I'd likely end up buying it right this second)

It has a camera.

A camera people.

*puddles into amoeba of drool*

*Willow knows what she's getting herself for the holidays, even if she has to call it an early birthday present*
ETA: There are WEP vs WPA complications. But not enough to keep from all 'Oooh'

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By Any Other Name
of Willow
January 2016