By Any Other Name
the tale of Willow

Willow
Date: 03:06AM | Tue, March 6th | 2012
Subject: ... Le Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh
Security: Public
Mood:*sigh* *sigh*
Tags:birthday month, effing_allergens, feeling: complex

My birthday month is usually my chill month. It's when I celebrate being alive. And this year I have so much to celebrate; being alive, taking it a day at a time against chronic depression, feeling SO much better, figuring out what was going on with my health. There's a lot to be thankful for. So, it's kind of crushing to be hit by a big wave of sad; accentuated by the red pepper fiasco of this past weekend. All year long, I have no problems not having treats. I'm fine with Christmas and Thanksgiving etc, not having more of a treat than fruit sorbet. But my birthday, it's not about people and family. It's just about me; things I do for myself, caring for myself, letting all aspects of me feel loved and praised and appreciated it. And some of it is by getting myself silly but meaningful presents, but some of it is also/has also been with certain treats I only do 'once a year'.

And, well, it's one thing to tell the more mature aspects of myself what's going on. They've been handling it fine since this time last year. But the less mature parts? The reality of 'no birthday treats'? It's hitting hard. It's taken me too days to realize why it is, I just don't even want to buy groceries. Because I'm not/wouldn't be/won't be getting 'certain things'.

Lots of gluten-free foods use potato flour and potato starch (and when it's not that, it's rice). I can't take that risk. So it'll be a huge hunt to find anything for myself. And the option to make it for myself? While I can have that ambition, treating my selves shouldn't be limited to what I can physically manage to make; not for my birthday month. Not for the celebration of life and continued life.

Birthday month isn't supposed to be 'hard'. But this month, this 1st time on the 'we feel better food routine' - it just might be.

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Willow
Date: 12:19AM | Fri, March 11th | 2011
Subject: The Cheesecake (Nando's)
Security: Public
Mood:culinary dissatisfaction culinary dissatisfaction
Tags:birthday month, food

This was not good cheesecake. There was no 'brulee'. The crust was not rich, but pale and somewhat cheap and cardboard tasting. And no, it did not taste of the cardboard box it came in, but a different flavour of board (ala flour and apparently not real graham for the graham cracker). The cream cheese portion was pasty and also a touch slimy. The raspberry was a kind of jam or sauce drizzled over the top and then cooled with the cake, and consideration was not made for the fact that chill sweetens the flavour of jam like products. I ate half of it for birthday's sake, but the rest is going in the trash.

This was not even HALF as good as the cheesecake Zvi's Mom makes - though perhaps that is because I've only ever had hers FRESH and this cheesecake if it was fresh, did not weather at all well.

Tomorrow, I go to 'The Factory'.

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Willow
Date: 05:11PM | Thu, March 10th | 2011
Subject: Still Alive - Ah ah ah ah
Security: Public
Mood:mellow mellow
Tags:birthday month, presents?, whee!

For my birthday, my mother and littlest brother called me to apologise. This is me 0.0 (think 'The Scream'' - but with more Wacko, Yako and Dot). It seems I could have pushed myself awake earlier and answered the phone earlier today after all - after the wonderful (90%) day I had yesterday, I had not wanted any more unpleasantness to try and push all the whee into a corner. I shall be suitably stunned and shocked for the rest of the day. STUNNED AND SHOCKED I tell you.

Yesterday where there was actual 'birthday like' celebration, I had a DEEPA. Yes, that's right, A DEEPA, and all to myself for several hours! I was so whee, I actually did not ask her a bunch of personal questions. Cause y'know DEEPA, all the way from India! Why the heck was I gonna bother her with questions when I could just answer everything she asked, and get to stare at her with big happy eyes and eat with her and be whee!

Then I had A DEEPA with A ZVI and there was NOMING! And it wasn't half bad noming at all! In fact I have a raspberry creme brulee cheesecake slice in the fridge to eat later - and I will let everyone know how that goes. But there was also, post sending Deepa on her way, MORE NOMING with Tea and a few bites of some kind of ginger-apple bready cake. I tell you, one's birthday month JUST might be the most wrong time to decide to test to see if not eating bread makes you feel any better/any worse/show any changes. I do not regret the ginger-apple nom bites! I will NEVER regret cheesecake! (If it is good). So the 'month' might end up being 30 consecutive days.

Today I am sore and sleepy and it is raining, and has been raining since around 10pm last night and raining 'hard' since about 11 or 11:30 pm. And I did have to wait in the rain (luckyily at a shelter) for half an hour before a bus arrived after which I then had to walk up the hill, in the rain, to get home. I had a book on me Trail of Crumbs by Kim Sunee, which was actually quite interesting for about half of it, and then I started to feel claustrophobic and started flipping through and feeling agitated and now having skipped through the book, I'm left oddly discomforted. It is odd to wish someone's LIFE had turned out different. Especially when you're also comparing them to someone else fictional who has a story you like. BUT all of that is to say I was not bored on the train or the bus shelter!

I am very much a NOMs person, apparently; food and conversation. I am all about food and conversation. I do not much care to see a bulk of things in the great grand 'We are AMERICAN' museums in DC. But the little bistros and cafes and oh! I saw my very first, not on television, real life Cupcakery! And then Zvi said it sucks. But it was real! Does anyone else remember the lollipop craze of the late 90's early 2000's, when it was candy stores as the 'new it food enterprise'? They sold mature flavours like sour martinis etc? Was I living in another dimension for that?

Speaking of, yesterday turned out to be a non-tracking day for me. I am not sure if it was because I was so excited to see Deepa or not. But I kept not being able to bring up the names for things, or remember dates. Luckily Zvi has known me long enough to pick up on stuff like that, and email me things on the fly for when I get home (also, any excuse to use her PHONE OF AWESOME [copyright Zvi]). Hi, I'd like to introduce you to Zvi and the techno love of her life, Her Phone. They do make an intriguing cute couple. It's so wonderful to see representations of black love. The phone seems really attentive to her needs, available, reliable (mostly) and everything. I mean, one can't fault an entity for occasional fickleness in attention. It's not a ro - oh wait. That's kind of speciesist of me, isn't it {speciesist? objectist?)

Zvi is love anyway. Especially because she found it surprising that I did not realize I really am misanthropic. I thought, maybe I'm only sort of misanthropic. And then people disgorged like noxious bodily fluids out of the Arena at the end of a hockey match and I really wanted to indiscriminately maim to clear a space at least four feet diameter around me. That many people felt like being covered in ants and trying to breath into a paper bag at the same time. Wow, individuals I like, people I apparently want to shoot in the face on sight, with a shotgun, filled with MANY MANY pellets. It felt quite disturbing. Like having to use a public toilet and someone busting the door open.

BUT my day was further fluffed by coming home to finding birthday mail by my aunt. My aunt's had some difficult times since her husband passed a few years ago. I'm stunned that she put together snail mail for me. I'm more stunned she put birthday money in it. It was actually a bit hilarious when I tentatively mentioned some of this to my mother (after the odd apology of reality coalescing shock) that she was all hedgy and 'unsure' how my aunt was working. It is more than giggle causing to hear one's mother acting like her own sister (older sister) is secretly a drug dealer.

So, despite the rain and the cold and my achy achy joints I'm feeling fine. I also have to check voicemail on my landline, because my father sang me a bday message there! So m'doing good and I am grateful.

PS: I sat and I thought and I thought all the way home on how to describe Deepa and nothing seems really adequate at all. And it will make no sense to anyone BUT Deepa, if I say she was exactly as I imagined her, right up to the fish fork. Hmm, I suppose I can say she reminded me, made me think of, had me visualizing when I tried to put words to it - of a school chum. A girl like me, wearing a blue skirt with white piping and a fresh pressed white shirt, with a blue tie in that loose 'girly knot' that lies just above one's breasts, and she'd be the chum with the perfectly pressed pleats and pulled up socks, but who likely rolled her skirt half and inch above regulation knee height; someone who would bring in food from home and share it, and snicker with you about the teachers when they weren't in hearing and rolled her eyes at people who wanted to pet her braid and always had her hand up during class on topics like social studies which incorporated geography with notes about the country's GNP. It was like meeting a friend I'd known foreve, from possibly back when I was wee (wee-er) and school teachers could still rap the back of my knuckles with a ruler. Like meeting someone I'd jumped rope with, or complained about 0 levels with and who possibly made funny faces when the teacher wasn't looking during her recitation of one of Henry the 7th's soliloquies. It was very comfortable.

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Willow
Date: 12:47AM | Thu, March 10th | 2011
Subject: A Day Of Highs and Minor Lows
Security: Public
Tags:birthday month, willow's warren, wtf!, wth?

More later about my wonderful pre-birthday, birthday. But I just got in to upstairs neighbour writing all over my mail again, and threatening to send 'return to sender on it' because she doesn't want to be 'responsible' for walking down the stairs (or sending her children to walk down the stairs) and passing me my mail. Or y'know, calling me to go up there and pick it up if it ends up in the wrong box. That on top of realizing I seriously don't like people and alrge swelling crowds bring out a little voice urging me to KILL KILL KILL (a la the Capitals vs Oilers hockey game in DC letting out a thronging burrbling mass of shove n push humanity) and then having to wait 1/2 hr in the rain for a bloody bus to get home - kind of GRRRS me.

So I'm going to go try to de-tress before bed and then write about my lovely, lovely day tomorrow. I am all grr, because she wrote on a letter from my aunt, sending me birthday wishes. Like she couldn't damn well write a note on a piece of paper? Now if I keep the evelope to save my aunt's letter, her passive-aggressiveness is all damn over it. When I thought she'd eventually show her true colours, I did not at all expect this (and some other stuff I'm not even gonna start with here).

**breathes**

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Willow
Date: 05:05PM | Sat, April 11th | 2009
Subject: Dazzler! Dazzler! Dazzler!
Security: Public
Mood:incoherent incoherent
Tags:birthday month, presents?

I HAS A DAZZLER!!!!

KAT GOT ME DAZZLER!!!

I HAZ BIG BOOK ESSENTIAL DAZZLER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


OMG!!!!eleventy!!!!111!!!!!!!!


WOOT!!! WHEE!!! SQUEEEEE!

*hugs the Dazzler. Hugs Kat. Hugs b-day gift!!!*

*SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE*

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Willow
Date: 08:50AM | Tue, March 10th | 2009
Subject: Today
Security: Public
Tags:birthday month, micropost, my father

My Dad called to wish me Happy Birthday. He's so happy he can. I'm so happy he can. No matter what else happens - it's already been a good day.

ETA: And [info]fickle, having sent me a packet full of envelopes, one for each day in my Birthday month - PLUS A CARD. And the card? It's an Obama birthday card! I have my own Obama bobble-head to kiss and hug! Hee hee!

ETA2: (yeah, one bday post, lots of updates) The Indian Delivery place I like was out of lamb. 0.o So I ordered chicken and that leaves me money to take myself out to dinner Thursday after therapy, or buy myself a cheesecake. That works. I've food to cook, I just didn't want to today. And I'm being honest when I say my father calling makes this one of the best days -ever-. On the other hand, my mother's forgotten it's my birthday and that I might be busy and is bugging me to buy things for my siblings as if I too might not have days when I don't want to deal with online ordering. I'm ignoring her.

ETA3: My mom just called. She was faking me out. She wanted to wait to get all my siblings on the phone at once for the traditional singing of the Birthday song. I was convinced she'd forgotten. I was fooled.

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Willow
Date: 02:24PM | Tue, March 3rd | 2009
Subject: HAVE MY PACKAGE!!!
Security: Public
Mood:relieved relieved
Tags:birthday month, presents?

*hugs Riddick & Dame Vaako and Alien NATION*

Apparently the Thursday guy marked it with not only the wrong name - but the wrong name MISPELLED. So they've been looking and looking and not finding it, not because it was stolen or misplaced (like my worse fears) but because it was MISFILED.

I hugged my postal worker. I seriously did. And I found out her birthday is on the 17th and I think I might leave her a little card or something. Or maybe I'll calm down and sober up and not do that.

BUT now I don't have to worry about missing it tomorrow when I go to the doctor.

Though I do wish SOMEONE had told me the truth before today - which was they hadn't been able to find it. Instead i thought they were just fucking with me.

*flops and spazes on the ground and hugs the cat and cries and screams and hugs self*

Stress is not good. So not good. But also? Never want to order from Borders.com again - cause OMG!

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Willow
Date: 04:10PM | Mon, March 2nd | 2009
Subject: Other Fickle Birthday Gifts
Security: Public
Tags:birthday month, feeling: squee, presents?

Kickass Flesh Eating Faries!

I am so loved. Love is cool! Yay!

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Willow
Date: 04:18AM | Mon, March 2nd | 2009
Subject: Reasons I Love My Birthday Month
Security: Public
Mood:birthday-y birthday-y
Tags:birthday month

Holi! (Drummers! Coloured Water Spray! Songs! Dance! Getting to be totally silly!)

Purim!

Bunnies & Duckies everywhere!

Pink and Pale Blue & Green Cute Things!

The Ides of March!

Jonquils!

Bloodstones & Aquamarine

____

Ok there. I feel a touch better.

PS: March Joy for the 1st? WereGeek

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By Any Other Name
of Willow
January 2016