By Any Other Name
the tale of Willow

Willow
Date: 03:34PM | Thu, June 28th | 2012
Subject: Attempt To Discuss My Family Visit #2
Security: Public
Tags:clothing, health: physical, stuff, thinky thoughts

There were things bought when I was visiting my mom and sibs. I spent more money than I expected there and for the month (I bought games prepatory to to help me calm down to go). But I needed (and still need a few items) clothes. One would think, the way my mom wouldn't stop talking about my weight loss than she'd do the bunch of buying - but 1) not so much and 2) the bulk of things she held up for me when we did go shopping together? I didn't like or I found too big for me just looking at it.

It was kind of bizarre, how what I bought for myself, she kept telling me to get a smaller size. But things she picked up to show me, didn't work with either my style or my sense of my body shape.

Meanwhile I was trying to take deep breaths for every comment on my size, my waist, my health and energy levels, what I ate. That last bit is non ha ha funny. because unlike Thanksgiving there were several times there was nothing in the house for me to eat. Times when things got bought and brought to the house I couldn't eat. The odd circumstance of being in a car filled with people nomming on Burger King and I'm sipping water. And my mom's apologising to me for it and it's just awkward and I spent a lot of time wishing they'd just not make a big deal over the fact I couldn't eat what they did and also wishing they'd REMEMBER what I couldn't eat.

I had at least one allergic reaction and one meal I couldn't touch cause they forgot and added capsacin pepper.

Meanwhile my sister thinks I'm girly for wearing skirts. And I felt caught in a strange; I like what I like. I don't think of it as girly or not girly. I like certain fits and I like certain pretty things and maybe my tastes have been modified by what's been available in my previous size - I don't know. I'm focused on comfort these days and things that make me smile when I'm wearing them either and I don't necessarily note the smile inducing is associated with something 'boyish' or 'girlish'.

Among other things? We ended up 'The Walking Company'. Teal deer - my sister needs chiropractic adjustments to her back and arch support. I ended up picking up very expensive non podiatrist arch supports and now am pondering getting a referral TO an podiatrist, because the budget blowing purchase? Led to me standing up straighter, walking easier (in fact raising the height of my cane) and reducing hip pain by 53%. I was able to walk about in a MALL, with a summer storm on the horizon and the barometric pressure up the wahzoo at near NYC speeds. I almost felt like myself again, like I knew my body. So now I have all sorts of thinky pondering thoughts about alignment and foot problems etc... And the long ass search for a PCP.

Even before the supports - I was able to leave the house every day I was there to go out shopping and do stuff for hours. I know part of it is that if I felt ill, the car was RIGHT THERE. I had a private place to go sit down and not have to worry how to get home. But it's also boosted my spirits somewhat to know how much better I'm doing on my thyroid medications. That I have more spoons these days than I'd realized. More physical spoons at least. I needed yesterday to try and recover some emotional ones.

Meanwhile I might ponder cheaper shoe support/arch supports. It could mean less expensive shoes, balanced by something keeping me in alignment (that could be put in other shoes) and a spreading around of my funds. Which I'd appreciate.

And I'll be pondering the wardrobe my sister and mother claim is FAR TOO BIG - which I thought was only a 'little loose'.

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Willow
Date: 06:00PM | Thu, March 10th | 2011
Subject: PS
Security: Public
Tags:clothing, fashion

When did fashion die? Was there a memo? An obituary? Was there even a darn post-it and I just somehow missed it before digital wind and weather somehow blew it away? Afore mentioned bday money was suggested for clothing. And yay, clothing! And then I went looking and What. The. Drooling. Ass?! I suppose it might be because I'm looking at plus size clothing? I believe, weight loss or not, I'm still plus size in fashion (aside: what the hell Torrid? You have your OWN versions of sizes 0-8? I don't know whether to appreciate it and laugh, or to just cry).

I am not discussing diaphanous clothing, or things cut to be swishy, big or loose. That's a matter of personal style and body comfort and I have been in the place where I felt a very strong need to cover up and more cover up but look pretty doing so. But it's like there's covering up, and then there's AND NOW FOR A BRIEF WORD FROM BREASTS (who think they live in the 70's). What the blazes? Hmm, maybe I really do need to stick the world 'modest' or 'musilm' into my searches. People can buy 40 different styles of jeans, but there are only 3 skirts one will ever need? Knee length, half length, full length and if one each is dark blue, light, blue, black - you're supposedly covered?

What the arse?!

And the whole plunging here, but covering up there. It may just be my own whacky brain that reads it as 'Show us the parts we'd WANT to see'. I think I missed the memo about fashion having a bullhorn and being a jerk.

I do not yet know if I want to rock the skin showing in the summer with my legs. But I do know I'd like the bloody choice! Also, what is with all the elastic waists? (eta: discussing demin bottoms, which to me are clothing worn (and thus washed) over and over again - thus elastic vs drawstring? Why did Elastic win?) Elastic stretches out! Is this more consumerism capitalism?

On the other hand, modest fashion may give me better ideas on style anyway - since I still have to figure out if I'm comfortable in pants outside of the house.

ETA: I'm having difficulty figuring out, what's modest/modesty inclined, if that modesty is coming from a place of societal shaming or if it's how I feel about clothes given what's available, what's comfortable for me (and what that entails, via various issues), and what's what I just like. Though what I like is the easiest really. It's figuring out from there, WHY I like it. And Dr. Yoga, unlike Dr. G is a guy, so I'm not sure about talking fashion and body issues, I will try but I'm not sure.

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By Any Other Name
of Willow
January 2016