By Any Other Name
the tale of Willow

Date: 03:06AM | Tue, March 6th | 2012
Subject: ... Le Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh
Security: Public
Mood:*sigh* *sigh*
Tags:birthday month, effing_allergens, feeling: complex

My birthday month is usually my chill month. It's when I celebrate being alive. And this year I have so much to celebrate; being alive, taking it a day at a time against chronic depression, feeling SO much better, figuring out what was going on with my health. There's a lot to be thankful for. So, it's kind of crushing to be hit by a big wave of sad; accentuated by the red pepper fiasco of this past weekend. All year long, I have no problems not having treats. I'm fine with Christmas and Thanksgiving etc, not having more of a treat than fruit sorbet. But my birthday, it's not about people and family. It's just about me; things I do for myself, caring for myself, letting all aspects of me feel loved and praised and appreciated it. And some of it is by getting myself silly but meaningful presents, but some of it is also/has also been with certain treats I only do 'once a year'.

And, well, it's one thing to tell the more mature aspects of myself what's going on. They've been handling it fine since this time last year. But the less mature parts? The reality of 'no birthday treats'? It's hitting hard. It's taken me too days to realize why it is, I just don't even want to buy groceries. Because I'm not/wouldn't be/won't be getting 'certain things'.

Lots of gluten-free foods use potato flour and potato starch (and when it's not that, it's rice). I can't take that risk. So it'll be a huge hunt to find anything for myself. And the option to make it for myself? While I can have that ambition, treating my selves shouldn't be limited to what I can physically manage to make; not for my birthday month. Not for the celebration of life and continued life.

Birthday month isn't supposed to be 'hard'. But this month, this 1st time on the 'we feel better food routine' - it just might be.

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Date: 09:45PM | Fri, October 21st | 2011
Subject: 3 Things Make A Post
Security: Public
Mood:all the uncomfortable feelings all the uncomfortable feelings
Tags:eating complications, effing_allergens, wtf!

1. I didn't intend to make curry, somehow did; the dark kind that actually tastes better with duck than with chicken. I was so proud - I started craving rice. October is the month when Willow plays the damn fool. Itchies. Again. Apparently Oct is when all my needs for foods come rushing in and I challenge and my body goes, oh hell no. This time I was semi-smart and only cooked enough for half a cup. And it was rice I had left over from back in the when.

I think part of me, is challenging, not in the elimination diet sense. But in the - do I really have to give all this up? All of it? And some things are harder than others. Rice is much harder than chocolate, oddly enough. Realizing I may need to give up all grains is HELLA A DIFFICULT. When I smelt that curry simmering, I wanted to laddle it over white rice with greens and a hint of onion so badly. And, well, I cannot ignore that even my scalp is itching. It's not just brown rice. Jasmine or basmati will not save me, neither will red or black. If Sorgum flour made me feel icky inside, it may just. be. grains. And that... that makes me very grateful Zvi helped me get my Foodie Manual together. I've been hugging it solid for the past 2 days.

Especially since next up is tomato (of which I just don't like it, for curries and chili and bbq etc, but of which I have solid memories of sitting in the sun, eating them raw and whole with my grandfather. Tomatoes just make me remember being loved, in that trusting absolute way that only a very young child can have.). But green bell peppers have always made me feel acid-burny-squeasy, and I switched to red, and one day a few weeks ago, cut into one and the smell made me queasy. And it was a red one. A delicious red one. And eggplant... my attempt at curry eggplant - I can't even go into how my body reacted to that.

Maybe, maybe one day, if I ever stop taking my thyroid medication, I won't be taking something that helps me that is also an allergen (pork). But I need that medicine more than I need chocolate and rice and belladona fruits. Though, I don't know if I'm going to be able to give up potato at this rate. Of course I haven't had any potato in, what, two, three weeks now? If I buy some and then there's trouble....

2. My day was taken up trying to set up a research profile on my browser - it just wasn't working out. And I only just realized which add-on was screwing everything up; after one whole profile delete and various fiddling.

3. My brother apparently looks foward to what he calls our weekly calls. I'm apparently, by just talking to him, giving him insight into some things. He's mentioned that no one explains any of this stuff. Also? He's having lots of irritation and anger issues at being expected to drool hound-dog over girls and women. He keeps going 'But I don't even KNOW THEM!' and I'm the only one he can talk to about this (really, our mom? No.) But luckily I understand. I remain and confided my own confusion that people lust after other people they don't even know - that they've only seen once. He's having difficulty explaining he doesn't know anyone, he's not looking at anyone etc. And I personally can't figure out if it's him vs 'hook up culture' or just how he (and I) see the world, or some combination.


Oh.. Oh. The way my stomach feels right now? That's a sensation I recognize. It's pizza sensation. Oh crap. I always thought it was because I ate one 'extra' slice of pizza per meal or something. And the restricted breathing. Uhm.. I don't suppose this is some form of uhm... anaphylaxic reaction, is it? And I just lived with it for years and only now does the sudden coughing and chest hurty feel particularly 'alarming'? Oops, there goes my balance when I went to get water. That's familiar too. Well damn.

ETA: WTF. I think my lips are swollen. Possibly my face is swollen. Seriously world? For realz? eta: Is it possible for the inside of your lip to swell?

ETA2: As a child, I used to get bumps on my legs when walking through glass, blisters if the grass was wet. I thought I outgrew it. Apparently not. If it messes me up like this, I need to check my vitamins.

ETA3: Last year, when I got my first set of blood results back, from the doctor I thought wouldn't suck - there was a bit in there about how the range (and I think it was inflammation) for most people was between 1-3. And mine was ten times that. Last year before I started any dietary eliminations. Allergy -> Inflammation, like a bee sting. And yet allergies did not come up. Once again doctors I have dealt with are getting my laser sideeye.

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Date: 12:54PM | Thu, October 20th | 2011
Subject: My Mother's Convinced There's No Way Chocolate Could Be Bad
Security: Public
Tags:about me, about my mother, effing_allergens

There's no way it could be causing me illls, it has to be that it was cheap chocolate, or 'American Chocolate'. Just as she's convinced that dairy isn't really affecting me, but it's a bacteria in the milk. At least she doesn't tell me to keep trying with dairy. But she's very much 'Don't give up on the chocolate' - and I can't tell if it's some part of her being sweet and asking if I've checked all options, or if it's part of her control issues wherein I can only eat what she says I can eat, when she says I can eat it.

Lack of consistency on what I was allowed to eat or not as a child, is part of why though my mother didn't like me eating bread and 'white flour' etc; occasionally she switched around what the bad foods were or 'treated' me and well. I had the thought yet again last night that consistency is very important to/for children.

And yes, while I ate wholewheat bread for most of my life, I'm aware that gluten doesn't care about the step in processing for the wheat.

Mom's suggests I try 'better' chocolate. Though one thing she said did make sense; preparation. Baker's/Baking Chocolate is essentially raw, it's not tempered, not heated, and that COULD in fact be affecting me. So I guess I'll buy some tempered dark chocolate on my own in the smallest possible quantity and test again. Cause I don't remember feeling the tension after the 'milk chocolate incident - just stomach gripes and itches, that I associate with dairy (and other intolerances) - while this situation may be the stimulant turning my muscles haywire.

On the other hand... when I think back to my incredulity last night, at the possibility the last 4 and a half years of intensified bodypain might be related to the increase of chocolate in my life... even if the initial reactions were from the stress of my living environment then - the cycle began - feel crap, have chocolate, feel crap, have chocolate.

And I guess... even though I wanted her to simply pay attention to how she feels 10-20 minutes after eating chocolate. I wasn't telling her not to eat it anymore. Just 'Whoa, this happened to me, and her, if it's a familial genetic thing...take some extra special attention, yeah?' But I guess it could also just be that chocolate isn't right for me and me alone. I'm the one dealing with body-pain disabilities. It might be too much for my system, because my system's already compromised.

And yes, this is how one conversation with my mother, one 10 minute convo can turn things upside down and inside out and donut knotted. And this was about chocolate! Complicated stuff like emotions, personal boundaries, psychological transgressions and aggressions - ha! You really don't want to see that ton of not pretty.

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By Any Other Name
of Willow
January 2016