By Any Other Name
the tale of Willow

Date: 08:19PM | Wed, June 22nd | 2011
Subject: I say hey. I say hey nonnie nah.
Security: Public
Mood:sore, exhausted, hungry sore, exhausted, hungry
Tags:--, energy level 2.5, pain scale 7

I <3 my dentist. I respect him. I feel safe with him. I have my first cavity filled today; didn't need a shot. It was all over in 20 mins if that. And I could come home and have a pomogranite ice lolly. Which is helping tide me over as I work up the energy to cook something. Oh seriously, bread is so damn simple - except when it's gluten free (and thus expensive or time consuming).

In others news; Regional Grocery Store Chain is closing down. I'd heard rumours but walked into a half naked supermarket today. Picked up the ice lollies (at a tiny discount) cause who knows if the chain taking over (whenever it takes over) will carry the stuff I like. I'm all a boggle.

Note to self: Remind Dr. Yoda about Advocate.

Related to that, filled out a transport assist paperwork today, first time was 4 years ago when I didn't end up hearing back. The sad bit? In 4 years? My situation has gotten worse. True, I've only had a year being treated for hypothroid and only a few months figuring out the gluten allergy situation. But back then I'd only had the cane for a few weeks and honestly said I hoped the situation wasn't lasting. Now I desperately need help getting to certain appointments due to pain and axiety issues and crappy transit schedules; I laugh when questions mention stairs; and I have to admit the limits of my free range movement is about 3 blocks with a good 10 minute rest and if stretched out to -6- blocks, as I need in order to get the right bus home; leaves me too in pain and exhausted to make myself a good and proper dinner - thus as I find myself right now, all ow and hunger and wishing I was young enough to live off ice-lollies and didn't need good protein.

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Date: 12:40PM | Sat, January 15th | 2011
Subject: Cue Mournful Moan
Security: Public
Mood:drained drained
Tags:energy level 2.5, health: physical, wth?

I do not know what's going on with me, since about... Thursday or so I've been ridiculously exhausted. I'm getting enough sleep, but waking up feeling tired in my muscles, joins and bones. It's flashing me back to 2010 BEFORE the improvements. Last night I forced myself to make the cultural supplement (sea moss) my mom had me taking when I was with her in 2010, and which I ran out of way back in Sept or Aug of 2010. I'd kind of been managing ok, though the thing with exhaustion, is sometimes you get too exhausted to make the stuff that keeps you from being exhausted in the first place. But last night I decided, even if I messed up the recipe, I was feeling too badly not to try and have some in the house and see if it helps. And here I am this morning, feeling like something sucked out all my blood and nutrients in the night.

So it's going to be a wait and see and to hell with whatever my blood tests will claim when I get to them before the newest doctor's appt for the year. But I realized, finally, it's better to feel better and argue with the doctor over why I feel better and what else I need for continued feeling better. Than it is to feel crappy and struggle to even get to the doctor while feeing crappy, just to prove a point. Of course now I'm hoping I've not waited too long to find the strength to make this supplement. Because sweet haberdashery - I feel wrung out and I loathe the feeling and it is also a scary feeling to find no strength in one's limbs, to find the action of walking and lifting and stretching to once again seem so immense a set of obstacles as to cause me to break out into tears just thinking about it.

ETA: This exhaustion may be related to orange juice I bought last week, and had this week. Now to research if orange juice really does thin the blood as my mother always said. Because it certainly helped with certain female concerns this month - even if the end result is this odd exhaustion.

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Date: 09:08PM | Mon, December 14th | 2009
Subject: Too Tired
Security: Public
Tags:energy level 2.5, personal is political, question everything

I was originally excited to subscribe to the Tiny House Blog. I'd re-embraced my love of small spaces, a sense of cosiness, a certain chic elegatarian style of living; simplistic and unwasteful and hopefully sustainable. I've been subscribe for about a month and a half now, possibly a bit more and I keep seeing the same things.

1. The need to be a certain economic/social class to even try to have this dream.

2. Or to be incredibly poor and brown and need an organization full of white people to create this dream and sell it to you.

3. An utter lack of accomadation for the disabled; tiny houses have no width for wheelchairs, no ramps to get into them, no consideration as to how to have a small space that includes crutches, canes, walkers, or manual or power mobility devices.

When I come to look at small spaces and dream and marvel, I want to rest. I don't want to think of having to pick up the baton/torch/speaking stick/drum/you name it. So I'm just going to unsubscribe, regretfully but with respect for myself. The places I go to to recharge cannot be addtional places to have to speak up about not seeing myself or people I know reflected anymore.

Not to mention the weird quirk of realizing that you have to be middle class/have access to a certain measure of money in order to live simply in the first place. Live simply as in intentinally, vs making do with a touch of innovation because one is poor.

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Date: 07:49AM | Fri, May 29th | 2009
Subject: Sooo
Security: Public
Tags:discomfort scale 4, energy level 2.5, pain scale 5.5

I'm awake. The plan, however, is to try and hobble to the library tomorrow - because I woke up today feeling WORSE. Luckily, there is chicken now in the oven, so food for the weekend will be set.

But damn - went to bed at 10pm and woke up feeling worse? What kind of justice is that. Right now it feels like I'm on the cusps of my body just flat out jello-fying on me.

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By Any Other Name
of Willow
January 2016