By Any Other Name
the tale of Willow

Date: 06:12PM | Fri, July 13th | 2012
Subject: Friday
Security: Public
Tags:energy level 5, errands: running around, exhaustion scale: 4, therapy / therapy day

My day started fairly ok - then I went to bring the bins in from the back curb, only to find they'd already been brought in and actually lined (with the extras I keep out back for emergencies). I checked they were clean, added the deoderizer. But considering that last week when the landlady visited; she brought up that the upstairs neighbours were having a cow over whether or not I get paid to deal with the bins? I think someone is seriously trying to get on her good side - or itching for the chance to say 'She hasn't been doing it - we've been doing it'. Cause the landlady pointed out, I get paid to bring the bins in, and keep them clean and tidy. Not to take them out to the curb in time for the trash (though it's something I also have done - and usually do. Except now of course when people are trying to play nice).

So I left her an email letting her know what was going on. So there are no surprises. And also because I really do appreciate the fact she considers me responsible and she knows, that I've been doing this for the past 2 years now, even if I"m sick or not feeling well etc - walking all around the neighbourhood to collect the bins if they are misplaced or stolen, etc. Replacing bins for neighbours when upstairs takes other people's bins to use, etc...etc...

Having a cow over me being responsible?

And my landlady really touches me when she said she likes giving me the little stipend and she hopes I spend it on mango sorbet and lamb and little extras; cause she knows I've been dealing with health issues etc.

There really is something to be said for developing a relationship of mutual respect with people.

Outside of 'Conspiracy At The House'... Therapy was, intense. Really intense. Issues of guilt were brought up, that I'm not trying to wrap my head around. Cause guilt's, on one level fairly useless but pyschologically speaking I'm told it's also a coping mechanism and the thing to do is find out what you're coping for and deal with it/utilize a healthier tool. (Trying to imagine telling that to ppl w/ white guilt who clutch colour blind theories - headache.)

So this is going to be a heavy mental week going forward from today I think. Cause there's a lot going on; some things even tied into my mom - and I actually didn't see the connection coming AT ALL.

On the way home, everything I wanted to treat myself to wasn't available. No sorbet, no lamb. I considered chocolate but the one I would have risked a reaction for, had further changed it's recipe. No more liquior. But I must have been calling unconsciously on the Chocolate Spirits - because someone got on the bus selling some for their church. And an older gentleman insisting on buying me one even though I said 'no thank you'.

I'm not sure if it was creepy or not. I've been rethinking my interactions with older men. I thought I recognized creepy interactions; implicit 'and now you'll owe me - I expect something - your body isn't yours'. Right now the only vibe I'm getting, is the chocolate was a buck, and he probably thought I was pretty.

Anyway, of course I can't eat it. I'd already checked and it's full of allergens for me. But I made sure to get dark chocolate. So next time Zvi visits - she'll have a chocolate bar.

Now to rest up, cook dinner and the one thing I did find was some mango juice - so I'm going to wash some popsicle sticks and see what happens.

Sidenote of Also: I am getting so damn sick of companies randomly changing the ingredients of a product. Not just the chocolate. But I hinted all week to find a vitamin mineral supplament that really helps me digest my food better. When I went to pick it up today? They'd added soy lecithin. I bought some, but I can't remember if soy lecithin will affect me the same way as soy. It's too hot, and I was too tired to not just buy some so I could have it if it's good at home. And if not, next time out - I guess it'll be 'return time'.

ETA: Re - Soy Lecithin. When the answer is 'Only a tiny percentage of people are ever usually affected'. It is in fact saying 'Willow? This will eff you up girl! Don't play! Don't put that in your body!'. So I guess I'll have to order from somewhere and take these back next time I'm out. Cause I am damn near always 'The Negligibile 1-2 %'.

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Date: 12:08PM | Thu, January 13th | 2011
Subject: Mini Update
Security: Public
Tags:about me, errands: running around

The big thing that was stressing me out last week, was that my bed went kaput and I needed a new one. And then, low and behold, i found a second hand bed, but didn't have transport, so I called my wonderful landlady to arrange transport (if she could help) and she COULD. But she also decided I needed a brand, new, fresh mattress and she gifted me one! And then I felt completely overwhelmed and as if the world was spinning far too quickly and freaked out in a major, major, physical body flash backs, psychotherapy, kind of way. Good news is that everything was sorted this past Sunday and though my new bed is smaller than my old one (so I must learn to greedily take up the WHOLE bed again and not hug a corner) it is comfortable and very pretty (I don't care it's covered up by sheets, it's pretty!)

Now, however, my body recovers from all that tension with weird muscle spasms, twitches, and pain - some of which is also caused by the barometer kissing up to snow. And I'm hoping to recover in time to take back up the medical inquiry stuff I'd been doing BEFORE the bed really showed me how broken it was. So that I can continue trying to make headway there.

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Date: 05:47AM | Thu, January 6th | 2011
Subject: Trying To Organize Anxiety
Security: Public
Mood:dizzy dizzy
Tags:anxiety scale 7, errands: house stuff, errands: running around

Things I Need (Would Like) To Do:

1. Clear the hallway of books intended for my siblings

2. Put away (or at least hide) laundry.

3. Wipe down kitchen counters

4. Determine if I'm going to go see this frame before Sat, or wait to view it Sat. - staying home.

5. Cook rice.

6. Buy groceries (made list, waiting on meat prices)

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Date: 04:50PM | Sun, December 5th | 2010
Subject: Loathing, Loathing For My Domicile Metropolis
Security: Public
Tags:crap on a stick!, errands: running around, wtf!!

Thumbscrews to the bus service and the bus drivers!

Today I forgot the library doesn't open until 1pm. I arrived -early- for 10am. So, I made my way to the train station, after buying something to nibble on, and stayed warm until an hour before I needed to be at the sale. There should have been two buses in the time when I was waiting. None came. So I took a a tourist free shuttle bus to the nearest spot and walked. I was late. 10 minutes can mean the world of difference when people are swiping books off tables into boxes.

One man grabbed 90% the manga, right in front of KIDS who were trying to check to see which they were. He said 'You snooze you loose'. To 10->13, 14 yr olds. I wanted to smack my cane into his foot. I managed to catch some manga for my little sister, and almost in order, I think up to about volume 10. Of course I know nothing about the title, I just wanted to get something before he rode off with his huge box.

There was little YA but a whole lot of children's books. So I'll have to do something about my brother, since what YA there -was-, was predominantly female protagonist. But not gender neutral female protagonist - female protagonists who worry about shoes and make up and the size of their breasts. It made me want to write something so badly that my brother would read. So far he's drawn to action-adventure spy mysteries. But he knows more than enough about PMS, growing pains, feminine hygiene products and girls worrying about their weight (my sister). He wouldn't want that in his reading. And I so desperately want him to get back into it again.

Then after all my running around trying to find authors who didn't make me want to head-bash myself, and realizing I will always be more comfortable in the YA department - > I headed home, only to encounter a bus driver, who once again didn't offer help for me and my bundle. And this stood out even more sharply, because the tourist-shuttle? The driver there lowered the bus automatically. This on the way home, female bus driver, did not, and then, when I put the baggage out of the way to swipe my card, was all 'you can't leave that there!'

Me: "I just wanted it out of the way so I could swipe my card."

Her: "You have to take that in the back and stop blocking the aisle. You can't block the aisle."

Me: I point to my cane. "It's difficult to get back there. I can't - "

Her: "You'd better, or get off my bus. You can't get to the back, you don't ride the bus today."

Me: "I'll need you not to take off while I'm walking then, so I don't fall down."

Her: "Alright, but don't take too long."


While I'm sitting in the back, hoping lots of people don't come on - because the back door step is WAY to high for me, with just a cane alone, far less a boxload of books, someone ELSE with a cane comes on, this man is trying to manage a bundle of laundry.

The bus driver's unpleasantness repeats itself.

The man gets up slowly, having already sat down and tries to maneuver to the back (his bundle was smaller than mine, softer than mine, and could have taken up space on the seat or on his lap). He tries to point this out.

The bus driver starts asking him if he wants to get off the bus.

He moves and he says to her to go back to driving, he's found a spot.

She: "Don't tell me what to do!"

Him: "Just drive the bus, ma'am. We all just want to get home."

She: "Don't you TELL me what to do. Don't antagonize me. This is MY BUS. You sit your ass down there an be quiet."

Him: "Ma'am, don't disrespect me."

She: "You're disrespecting me!"

Him: "Ma'am, as long as I don't put my hands on you, and I follow your instructions, I'm not disrespecting you."

She: "Don't ANTAGONIZE ME. Keep your mouth shut or you WON'T be on the bus!"

She says so more stuff I can't quite make out, it might have been cursing. While she's doing this, she's stopped the bus, in the middle of turning a corner. I SHIT YOU NOT! Bus on a diagonal, in the middle of a busy intersection between the routes for about at least 6 different bus numbers - so she can cuss out someone.

The few people in the bus don't know what to do. They're staring at her like she's insane. But we all just want to get where we're going, it's shittastically cold today, far colder than it was yesterday.

Bus driver finally decides to drive the bus. Many people take the back door to avoid passing her again, including little old ladies with canes - I SHIT YOU NOT. And the guy with the laundry. I have to take the front however, or I'll hurt myself, and I already turned my ankle once for the day.

What's the point of public transportation that doesn't consider that people who take public transportation, have to manage bundles, packages, bags, groceries, laundry, big bookbags, shopping carts, strollers, etc?

So unpleasant. SO unpleasant. On top of my grr at not finding enough books for my brother. I'm going to attempt to treat, soothe myself with salmon as soon as I can make myself stand up again. Been going since 8am, most of that time on my feet.

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Date: 01:05PM | Fri, June 12th | 2009
Subject: Change A Little, Change A Lot
Security: Public
Mood:tired tired
Tags:about family, about me, errands: running around

So many changes.

City Cafe's changing their logo. The new one is nice and all but I'm not really feeling it the way I enjoyed the chess board. On the other hand I like their remodeling jobs. The booths look very cosy and by taking up space there's finally a reason to send people upstairs to that dining area. I was beginning to think they should chuck it in and turn it into a teeny tiny disco or something to get use out of it.

Other changes - not as big a deal. I knew they'd moved the Phlebotomy but this is the first time I actually had to use the place. It's much much smaller. I felt a little cramped, which made me feel a little tense which resulted in one - well, two tries. Luckily things worked out for the second. Felt a little woozy after which felt weird. But I bought a treat of chicken on the way home, and I've just had some for lunch with a big bowl of vegetables. So I'm all mellow and calm and sleepy now. Hmmm, potato serotonin (also, Potato Wedges/Western Fries are the only fries worth having).

Other changes in the life of my family I keep forgetting to mention - my Uncle was Ordained last weekend. I'm all blink-blink and then some. Yeah, David was a holy man, for all he ruled by his pubes on more than one occasion. But he was also blessed and touched and all the rest of that before hand. Which is a long way of me saying that as spiritual as my Uncle has been in his lifetime, it's still unusual to think of him now as a Preacher Man. All with the robes and affiliation with a ministry and set of churches and all that.

Just. Wow.

The family's looking to get him something special and I turned my Mom onto Thomas Blackshear's statuary. So, we'll see.

Oh! The other change in my life. I might finally be able to delete Perfect World off my browser (and stop telling myself I'll so totally play it again). I found out about FreeRealms and had some fun this morning. I think it might take me a little while to to get bored because I can feel accomplished very easily due to short form quests, at least for now. I even cancelled the flash game site I'd been subscribed to, because while FreeRealms is free, it does offer some limited content for membership and I can only afford right now to pay for one online splurge (monthly or quarterly).

FreeRealms might not have the personalization of PerfectWorld's character builder, but the battles and quests involve mini games. It doesn't all have to slash this, slash that. Which works great for when I'm feeling to play, but there's no one who wants to kill things. Actually, you don't kill things in FreeRealms, you only knock them out and you yourself can only be knocked out. Which lowers anxiety (a game really shouldn't add stress) and equals more play for me and more fun. Cause I'm not gonna be wondering 'omgwtf, reach a certain level and then PvP and boo hoo'.

And now, I might nap soon. I had to sleep from 5pm to 1am to feel strong enough to make it downtown today. And things were still pulling sore. So more rest definitely will not hurt.

Ooh - Don't have my patches. Insurance has to approve or disprove them. So I should call back on Monday. I hope they get approved.

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Date: 06:14AM | Mon, January 12th | 2009
Subject: Feeling Productive & Tired
Security: Public
Mood:productive productive
Tags:errands: running around

Successfully made it to the postbox. Saw a young black woman and a young black kid walking in nothing but sweat clothes with weights on their arms. It's cold enough outside for there to be ice covering puddles. And 6am and before is dark, the moon's shining brightly - it just made me shake my head.

If I have anything left later today, I'll tackle the kitchen garbage and get rid of whatever's growing in the crockpot. Yes, eewh, I know. But I never can seem to manage to empty the pot all on the same day and when I do go to clean it, it's only a day or so later and stuff is in there. It's very trying.

Anyway I'm pacing myself because this illness is taking extra out of me and I have a hard enough time dealing with energy loss even without also being ill. So one thing at a time. If I can't manage the kitchen, then I can't. I couldn't manage to put away all the groceries on Sat either. So what I can, when I can or else nothing'll get done. Life isn't static enough for me to do a big push of energy get everything done and then not need to -live- anymore. But man do I feel like slapping people upside the head who complain about little chores and having to do them at all.

Now for a nap.

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Date: 01:26PM | Fri, December 19th | 2008
Subject: If I had a flamethrower, I'd dry up the sky
Security: Public
Tags:errands: running around, therapy with dr. yoda

The world conspires against me. The pharmacy didn't have all my meds AND the most important ones don't have any refills left. Then I went to the nearest bus stop after purchasing some DVD-R's, cause it had a seat, only to realize that section of the road was blocked off and so the bus wouldn't stop. I had to walk back, in the rain, through traffic to another crowded bus stop with no place to sit and no cover/shelter. And then by the time my bus showed up, the obstruction had been removed and the bus stopped at that stand after all.

Rain should make me think of Christmas with drops like jewels hung from the trees. Except the trees are naked and the rain is cold. So. Much. Cold. Rain. It was like living in a cloud. And every time you thought it'd lessened, it was just a pause before it pissed down still misty, but harder. Like the world's best shower head with the hot tap broken.

FINALLY mailed off my Paramount Avatar Protest Letter. But was so miserable that any more letters will have to wait. Hunger and cold and wet drove me from the library. I didn't even pick up any new books to read!

My brother emailed me - my mother thinks I'm dead because I don't email her. But she sends me awful spam full of 'Jesus Loves You' and bad jokes about men, women and sex. She even sent me one that complained that people don't understand the sentiment behind sending sentimental spam.

Ugh < insert nauseated face here >

I'm going to eat something now and then perhaps nap. Something to do with being under covers HAS to happen. Sheesh. Cold. Wet. Rain - UGhhhhhhhhhhhg. I really have nothing interesting to say. The wet has run it out of me.

Oh! Therapy was good. My mother's the Terminator and it's not awful to be human.

PS: The Office Depot closest to my main bus routes is going out of business. Currently 10-30% off. I'm hoping to pay attention to when it's 50% off and seeing what's left that I might want or need. I'm a bit sad about it. I don't like the other nearest store. It's not as well laid out or accessible.

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Date: 06:57PM | Thu, December 4th | 2008
Subject: So Tired + Egg Nog + Random Jesus
Security: Public
Tags:about me, about spirituality, errands: running around, therapy with dr. yoda

It's all related, really.

I'm currently so tired and worn out that my hips ache, which takes care of the question - "Will I be up to going to the library book sale tomorrow". Answer? Not bloody likely. The sale is also on Sat and Sun - so we'll have to see how I'm feeling then. Hopefully one day of recovery will do me.

Meanwhile there was a search for eggnog and I'm not sure I'm entirely happy with what I found. Local dairy brand in RiteAid just.... isn't settling well. But there wasn't a large eggnog at the grocery across the street from therapy and I knew I'd want some tomorrow. So I figured I'd hit the Superfresh on my way home after the library. How was I to know that Superfresh, a major grocery chain wouldn't have eggnog. Little grocery stores had eggnog up in time for Thanksgiving, but not Superfresh?

Determined for my eggnog, I ended up doing a lot of walking - first to Walgreens (which has no eggnog and no cat toys - I having thought Walgreen's would beat Riteaid at a specific toy price. Maybe they would have - if they'd had any) then I walked to a different RiteAid (still no cat toys ) and there was only one large container of eggnog. Which my stomach currently hates and possibly also my tongue. Ugh.

And for all that walking and seemingly fruitless searching, while it drizzled on me, I had to think to distract myself from putting one foot in front of the other. And so I found myself thinking about Intelligent Design, and how there are individuals who say that it's NOT ABOUT G-D, but is actually about a higher/greater Intelligence. It could even be aliens! (This is related to Roger Ebert bitchsmaking Ben Stein and his rah rah yellow journalism movie and a snip there of Yo from

So I found myself going, ok. So, if it's not about G-d, then who created the higher intelligence? Who created the Progenitors or Preservers? Did that higher intelligence evolve or did yet another higher intelligence seed them into the universe as if the universe itself were a series of ant farms within ant farms.

This thought brought me to Jesus and suddenly I could sort of understand the Christian praise and never ending glory for Jesus (whom I tend to think of as a prophet and Mary's son, but not as a Messiah *shrug*). But if Jesus is the evolution of G-d, that is, G-d made itself better via Jesus by experiencing what humans go through on earth; pains and joys, lows and highs - then the worship of Jesus over G-d (No one seems to ask if you believe in G-d and thus are saved) makes sense to me.

Except that I don't understand how they can accept Jesus as an evolved version of G-d and still say evolution is both crap and bad science. If G-d had to evolve to grow nearer to humanity, wouldn't it make sense that humanity evolved to grow nearer to G-d? And wouldn't that make the human shape even more blessed as this middle meeting ground for deity and mortal(ity)?

This by the way is why I don't walk too much when I'm feeling exhausted and in pain - I think too much. Now I'm going to pour the rest of this $5 (I know, total robbery!) eggnog in my cup down the drain and have a cup of iced tea instead AND meat patties (the best impetus to leave the house when exhausted - ever-)

PS: Would my theory ramblings, make Jews fundamentalists? They don't believe the evolution of G-d has happened yet? Just more and more humans moving closer to G-d? Would that make Muslims New Age? Not only did G-d evolve via Jesus, he reached version 2.0 with Muhammed? Something tells me I'm seriously lacking an understanding of Islam to try and make such a point, however.

PPS: Therapy was good btw. It was the first time I didn't peek at my therapist's (prior) office before meeting the new guy. Or after the appointment. And we've got a goal that my old doctor and I never tackled before. So that seems both helpful and bonding.

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Date: 07:15PM | Thu, November 6th | 2008
Subject: Soooooo
Security: Public
Mood:weird weird
Tags:errands: running around, therapy with dr. yoda

Sometimes I should not engage with people, that is respond to them. I'm leaving the library and a guy asks me if I think the end times are coming, if the end of the world is coming. And I say no. And he says, well y'know the bible says.... At which point I get pissed off. I'm tired and grumpy and achy and sleepy and I'm leaving the library and just trying to put my books away in my bag.

So I say, "Time is relative. Man decided 24 hours equal a day and 30 days equal a month and 12 months equal a year. Since I don't know how an entity like G-d views time, I'm gonna guess it's not happening tomorrow or next week or the next hundred years."

I figure that's that.

But the guy actually looks elated.

He's all "Yes! That's right. The most one can say about a day is that it was a thousand years, the book of blah blah talks about G-d's day and how man couldn't even live through one, the longest was 9somethingsomething years."

And then the guy starts talking to me. Not preaching, just, happy babbling geek talk. Because I snapped at him. It was weird. It turns out he is/ considers himself to be a Judeo Bible Biologist. He's got a Phd in Biology and he uses Biology to help him understand the Christian Scriptures.

And there I was with my cane trapped as someone babbled their fandom at me. It was incredibly odd to feel both annoyed and oddly amused. I found myself thinking it was like someone accidentally telling a Buffy fan, when they'd never even watched Buffy to 'Stop being a bitca' and having the person squee at them and start babbling about vampires and souls and the machinery of the Powers That Be.

I do have to say one thing for the guy though, in the middle of his squee-babble he brought up that he doesn't understand the big deal people have over lesbians since fetues all start off essentially female and then differentiate and humanity at heart (cell to him) is androgynous. And then he quoted bible scriptures at me to prove it.

I wish I remembered what he said, but he blew the top of my head off.

When I finally got rid of him by saying I needed to go shopping, (cause he did helpfully open doors for me to leave the library and followed and talked to me as I went on my way) he said maybe it was something I needed to hear, since he'd felt inspired to chat with me and he told me G-d Bless and went on his merry way.

60 year old black man, quoting bible scripture at me to prove that lesbians are normal and that science is mankind's way of representing G-d's miracles of creation.

I have to admit I do feel a little less grumpy about Californian Idiots and Prop 8.

On the other hand )

[Prior post was on writing filter]

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Date: 05:30PM | Thu, October 2nd | 2008
Subject: *thumps*
Security: Public
Mood:tired tired
Tags:errands: running around

Have paid rent, collected a library book, my prescriptions AND a treat to help me this weekend (it should at least last through tomorrow).

Cheer Up Moment Of The Day: Two little white fluffy dogs tied up outside the supermarket. When their owner finally came out, the littlest was so happy, it kept jumping 3 feet in the air in excitement. Finally the owner just grabbed the dog out of mid-air to carry it, where upon the dog immediately stopped barking in excitement and settled down all comfy, while the other ran in circles around the owner waiting for his/her turn.

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Date: 01:37AM | Wed, July 2nd | 2008
Subject: Oi?
Security: Public
Tags::( frowny face, errands: running around, errands: shopping, health: physical

Do I know any Canadians? If so, I think in Vancouver it's still Canada Day. Happy to you.

In other news - my day. The day that involved me nearly puking.

Things you shouldn't do before grocery shopping at the only grocery store within a 3 miles radius which is near, close to or in a predominantly or historically black neighbourhood.

#1 - Read a book about healthy eating

#2 - Look at the ingredients on the food.

Save-a-lot did turn out to be like Aldi's. But a very limited Aldi's. I managed to stock up on some canned goods I'd been missing buying. I hadn't had canned pineapple in quite some time at a decent price and had been reduced to a single can per month. I bought 16. That contributed heavily to the weight I was lugging around in my little cart. As did several cans of pigeon peas - my other comfort food.

But most of what was there was high fructose corn syrup, corn syrup, unpronounceable, unpronounceable, something gum, something something starch, unpronounceable, we spare this is only vitamin e - really. Preservative #1, 2, Food color #24.

My final conclusion is that I miss a place that could give me canned pineapple and canned Goya pigeons peas at reasonable prices and also fresh vegetables and meat with a fat percent lower than 80%. Oh yeah and real butter instead of 15 variations of margarine. Margarine - the waxy substance that loves to hog/clog -- ok, there are people who probably love margarine on my flist. But I'd rather have a little less real butter than a regular serving of something that once came with a packet of colouring cause it came clear (or in Canada bright pink) {a scary thing is I remember the white version, damn I feel old}

My little cart is dead. It seemed dead after the move but my brother was convinced that it'd -never- been welded and the lacing had just popped out of the frame. I tried it once - it needs throwing away. Luckily I -know- why my cans are dented.

I hurt my knee. It was hot. I got sweaty and I wanted to hurl. And oh yeah, the supermarket isn't as close as I thought. It's 5 and a half blocks away. New York City blocks. Looooooooong ass blocks. And I didn't take my cane. Ow ow ow ow.

That was my day, and the rest of the day was recovering from that since I want around 10:30 and got back 2 hours later. Try not to hurl, nap, try not to hurl some more, have food, a little internet communication and now I'm talking myself into PT. Yeah it wasn't today it's Wed. And I don't want to go. I think I dislike my PT person. :(

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Date: 12:57PM | Mon, May 12th | 2008
Subject: So how it goes
Security: Public
Mood:sore sore
Tags:about me, errands: running around, health: physical

After paining me most of the night, woke up at 6:30 in the morning and the knee was going on fine.

Me = WTF?

Knee = IDK?

Get to the orthopedist through the rain and cold and good news. They can't find anything wrong. There might be a tear but if so it's so minor it'd clear up with PT anyway. And I have a reccomendation for PT 3 times a week for the next 6-8 weeks.

Me = O Joy

Knee = ....

Then as I walked away from the office where a PA and an Orthopedist had rocked and poked and prodded and bent my knee all around?

Knee = OMGWTF DID YOU DO TO ME! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Me = Oh. Now you say something!

Bad news? Having a high pain tolerance is likely messing up how doctors interpret things for me. Because I'm seeing a pattern even if they aren't. And so far the pattern is: Willow's body is allergic to Willow and her joints burst into inflammation every so often as a reminder.

Anyway, inflammation, I need to take more naproxen and do PT.

Had a random moment of thinking of [info]viridian5 because after her doctor's appts, no doubt instead of 'Ow ow ow' it's all "Dizzy, woozy nauseated" and the check out receptionist being annoyingly chirpy.

Spent money on microwaveable food and fried chicken. I don't care how healthy it's -not-. Needed something easy. So tired, achy and exhausted now.

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Date: 07:16PM | Wed, April 9th | 2008
Subject: Ow
Security: Public
Mood:hurting hurting
Tags:about me, errands: running around, health: physical, pain scale 9, therapy / therapy day

I am in tears and in pain. I have a referral to get an MRI on my knee and to get physical therapy. It is seriously likely, I have retorn ligaments in my knee.

All day long I've felt like a wounded gazelle on the savannah. Like prey. There was no way to hide this injury from public sitesight. And on my way home, after the medical examination, the stupid bus I took apparently couldn't lower it's front end for disembarkation. And the driver wouldn't use the wheelchair lift. So I hurt things even more getting off the damn bus. To the point where I had to stop several times on my way to the subway, in tears.

Broke down once I got through my front door. I don't react to pain mildly. When I say it hurts. It hurts. It hurt enough for me to be curt with my doctor about how I felt about how I'd been treated regarding pain management and weight and sugar issues.

Right now I'm shaking and trembling and crying. It hurt so much just to get home! Obviously I couldn't stop for groceries. And I'm glad I didn't force myself. Carrying things in my backpack would have been beyond unwise.

I'm not sure what I'll do for groceries. I don't trust my old supermarket, which delivered. Maybe I'll see if Safeway delivers and if they have what I need at a reasonable price. Because leaving the house until next week? Not happening.

The clinic didn't have a cane for me or a brace. The doctor is going to order a knee sleeve, but that won't arrive for several days. In the meantime I'm going to contact a different pharmacy and see what they suggest and try and get my doctor to order -that-. Since a knee sleeve sounds somewhat useless.

Oh yeah, and limping is putting stress on my other knee.

More thoughts when I can concentrate better. But yeah, I spent 15$ on not a very good burger for lunch, because I hadn't had anything all day and I couldn't walk another step. Had to buy where I was. PLUS my therapist was out sick today, so it's a good thing I had a doctor's appt or I might have curled in a ball in a corner of the office and wept because of the effort it took to get there. They did call apparently, but I couldn't sleep last night because of the pain, so I was really focused on getting out of the house this morning and didn't even turn on the computer far less check for voicemail.

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Date: 05:26PM | Fri, February 15th | 2008
Subject: Friday *thump*
Security: Public
Mood:exhausted exhausted
Tags:about me, errands: running around

Made it to pharmacy. Even picked up a tit bit of groceries. My Post V-Day chocolate shopping, however, consists of one box of cookies. I just was too freaked/panicked/stressed to go to a third stop. I'm still proud of myself for leaving the house even with the shakes.

*makes dinner now*

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Date: 06:39PM | Wed, January 30th | 2008
Subject: Wed
Security: Public
Tags:apartment of lies, errands: running around, therapy / therapy day

Came home and discovered my computer had been trying to shut down since I left this morning.


Collected my housing paperwork
Gone to therapy
Spoken to clinical case manager who called housing case manager who defended the landlord until something CCM said pinged his memory to the fact that the landlord might be a bugging liar, but so far HCM hasn't called back CCM. But yeah, the landlord, behind my back, letter, setting my advocates against me.
Renewed transportation id
Went out to see a house
Discovered over phone than local acquaintance saw my current building (w/ landlord of hell) up for sale on a foreclosure website) - I will be looking into that later tonight. Remembered the url correctly. My building is up.
Got rent money order
Bought monthly transportation pass

Right now:
I've got chicken on
Rice cooking
And am staring longingly at the Mrs. Fields Chocolate Chip Cookies I bought myself cause jeez fuck today was trying and then some.

What I want later:
To curl up with heating pad
Take pain killing drugs
For all cramps and spasms to go away
To find something humorous to watch so my jaw doesn't lock up again.

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Date: 04:47PM | Wed, January 2nd | 2008
Subject: This day needs a foot massage
Security: Public
Mood:tired tired
Tags:errands: running around, health: physical, therapy / therapy day

Went to therapy, tried to pick up rent receipt (not available yet), tried to pick up prescription (they didn't get my voice mail), tried to get blood pressure taken in clinic (they lost my appt and wanted me to wait an extra hour - I said hell no), picked up replacement halogen lamp bulb, found an address book, made it home in one piece.

Not for want of my trying I did not accomplish everything on today's todo list. But I'm ok with that. And now I'm attempting to grill chicken breast in turkey bacon - just cause.

Also! I'm going to call the nutritionist and fire her when I'm calmer - cause right now I'd cuss (did I mention she sent me like the opposite of everything I said I wanted help with?). Anyway, my therapist has experience with this stuff, and she knows my issues with food and body image and emotions etc, not to mention having so many opinions at once. So I'm going to use her as my go to person for my physical health situation.

Yay for people I can trust.

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Date: 08:01PM | Wed, November 7th | 2007
Subject: My day, how 'bout yours?
Security: Public
Mood:cautious cautious
Tags:about me, errands: running around, health: physical, poc sf carnival, writing: authors

The Good:

* Have kitty on my lap demanding love

* Made it to both appointments.

* Am still alive.

* Got bullied by my librarian into going to a book signing and made contact with a black author of a vigilante heroine series.

* Also have steak warming.

* And got my flu shot today.

The Bad:

* Woman's Wellness Exam hurt like whoa and I'll need to be drugged for any further types like that.

* I am sore.

* I am exhausted.

* Too exhausted to do proper follow up immediately on writer contact or go see her at her next book signing tomorrow.

* My feet are cold.

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By Any Other Name
of Willow
January 2016