By Any Other Name
the tale of Willow

Date: 07:45PM | Fri, July 1st | 2011
Subject: Ow
Security: Public
Mood:ick ick
Tags:feel like crap, fibromyalgia, pain scale 9.5

Therapist suggestion, start a pain journal. Just track 3 times a day, what my levels are at. I'm actually scared to do this. As if I'm scared to find out that in the moment, I do think things reach up to 7 and into 9's sometimes. And that it's not laziness or procrastination keeping me from accomplishing various xyz. For example, woke up today, and felt like a rusty tin-man; couldn't leave the hosue. Didn't even feel like not crying until two to three hours after having woken up - but couldn't even really be sure if the pain had lessened, or if I'd bumped my tolerance up from the unconscious innocence of sleep/near sleep.

I've been in so much pain today, my vision's gone blurry. I'm left wondering, is that because I had to make the simplest food and it messed with my blood sugar? Is it pain increases my blood pressure? Or is it, it just hurts so damn much, my eyes go wonky.

Had more thoughts. Pain surge. Lost them. Huh, maybe one of these days someone'll figure out what's up with fibromyalgia and joint pain that hates anything chillier than 77 degrees, falls over with heat exhaustion at 78+(F) and makes me feel like a not well oiled marble grinding machine.

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Date: 11:42PM | Mon, June 20th | 2011
Subject: Am Somewhat Overwhelmed & Craving Fruit
Security: Public
Tags:about me, feel like crap

Just ordered groceries. Panic. Dentist on Wed - got phonecall today informing me I'm not covered so will need to pay for it (though on sliding scale). So quick regiggering of budget for June into July. More panic. Headache that's 2 days old - not sure if I'm dehydrated, under mineralised, still feeling affects of peanuts or what. Irritation (might be panic). Had to order groceries earlier than planned since my stop-gap from last month (I'm allergic to). Thinking more on a decision for health coverage (paper-work panic). Therapy on Wed (haven't heard from therapist about what time my appt is), it also has paperwork. Extra panic. And that that whole thing from earlier today about motor-function (hazy feelings).

So I'm just going to curl up and likely sleep early today. Cause I feel like my head might explode.

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Date: 04:16PM | Wed, April 20th | 2011
Subject: So
Security: Public
Tags:feel like crap, pain scale 8

Am getting tiny repreieve from Angry Bitchy Woman. City's shutting down on the day she's supposed to come. So it's all pushed back till May. I am not going to wait on her before possibly visiting my sibs though. So may just give landlady permission to let the cleaners in, and to let angry bitchy woman in.

Right now, gonna try to rest more, cause OMEFF my back. Am now wondering if this is a strain from carrying my new library tote bag over my shoulder - it may have been a shade or forty too heavy and somehow only showing up discomfort now. Cause oh crap, stabby stabby pain.

Also, apparently I need a fricking appt to get my blood pressure checked. So they're gonna charge me for having to cancel for having had back fricking pain. Making another appt, but part of me REALLY wants not to. Cause eff 'em all.

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Date: 12:19AM | Sat, April 9th | 2011
Subject: Frustration Levels Too Damn High
Security: Public
Mood:-- --
Tags:feel like crap, food

It's been raining all day. I admitted to myself, 4 hours after I got up, that I was in too much pain to go out, into the rain to do the errands I'd wanted to do. And then I realized I was also in too much pain to cook - finally managed hours later to make a small something. But it wasn't enough - cause once again I'm trying to go w/o starchy carbs.

Right now, I feel like I can't do this. Lack of carbs has me hungry every 3 hours; on days when I have intense pain, I can't cook that many times. And if I can't order out to cover the gap - have spent hours trying to imagine what I could spend money on to have delivered that wouldn't make me sick, or bloated or have me feeling starving again in just a few short hours. Staying hungry has been easier.

Where's the cookbook (far less the products) for when one is avoiding possible allergens and starchu/sugar raising foods, and the pain in one's arms makes the thought of cutting up food seem like a challenge of Everst? Oh yeah, and all of that on a tight, limited budget? Granted, right now I don't have all the necessary groceries. But even when I do - I still have to cook them. Suddenly I know how I ended up slipping away; feeling hungry and not being able to balance that against pain.

I'm willing to take what medicines are needed. I just want to aid them as much as I can with my eating habits. But I don't know what to do right now. It's hard enough battling pain; y'know, pain -> dirty dishes -> more complications cooking etc. This is all a little easier on good days, but bad days? Like today? When my fore-arms spasmed and my back hurt and my footsteps hurt and curling up with the cat felt like my only comfort. What about those days?

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Date: 01:29AM | Thu, April 16th | 2009
Subject: Woot!
Security: Public
Tags:feel like crap, pain scale 8

I just unfriended the LJ-Herald Feed. Cause I no longer need to know what's going on over there and how it might affect OpenID accounts or my friends.


In other news - my spine and chest are conspiring to sell me to some kind of mafia. I don't know what kind yet. But it pays in pain and those two have very full pockets. I'm strongly considering mitigating my beloved hermit like existence and having a friend over. In actual physical body. To help me do some stuff.

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Date: 01:04PM | Wed, July 23rd | 2008
Subject: Look at my Beauties!
Security: Public
Tags:dragon cave, feel like crap, feeling: ill

Adopt one today! Adopt one today!Adopt one today!

My dragons! Look how pretty! LOOK!

Clicky please. And admire the pretty some more.

*goes curl up somewhere and wait for hot food to maybe stop her feeling half dead and like dog's vomit*

ETA: 3:20pm
Ok. Thunder just snapped through the apartment like a fricking bomb. I think we now know why Willow woke up feeling sick - yes?

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Date: 12:47PM | Fri, November 30th | 2007
Subject: want to cry
Security: Public
Mood:upset upset
Tags:discomfort scale 7, feel like crap, health: physical


I bought groceries last night, while I wasn't feeling well - because I wanted for once to get it over with. Now I fucking well know why I wait until I'm feeling well.

I got all confused and ordered for Sat instead of today, Friday. Been waiting all morning for groceries (or a phone call saying they were ready). Called and called to find out what was going on. Finally got a hold of a live person instead of voicemail, but they'd be like 13 orders ahead of me and I probably wouldn't get my groceries until PAST 6PM.

I woke up this morning vomiting from hunger nausea.

I purposely ordered stuff I know I can keep down.

I've been surviving on dry crackers since 10AM. If I can't get the groceries until way past dinner, that's not going to help me TODAY for recovering from skipping a meal yesterday.


So now I'm the first fucking order for Sat. I woke up early today for nothing. And I have no fucking idea what to do. Cause I can't leave the fucking house, cause I'm throwing up every hour or so. And everything I have in the house, while it qualifies as food, doesn't qualify as edible when I'm this fucked up.


It's so fucking hateful that missing a meal makes me hungry enough to get nausea and a headache bordering on migraine. It's fucking hateful that missing a meal makes me throw up. It's fucking hateful that I've thrown up all morning. It's fucking hateful that now, knowing I won't get the stuff I know I can keep down, I have no idea what to eat for the rest of the day, but if I don't eat something ,I'll just make this shit worse!

I hate this. I really really hate this. It's depressing and demoralizing. And now I don't know if I'll ever fucking force myself to order groceries online unless I'm 100%.

And fuck the smell of damn near everything makes me want to throw up.

And if I do cry, I'll just throw up and get a headache.


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By Any Other Name
of Willow
January 2016