By Any Other Name
the tale of Willow

Willow
Date: 08:00AM | Wed, May 2nd | 2012
Subject: ...
Security: Public
Tags:food allergies, food intolerances, fucking docs, pain scale 5

Took a benedryl last night, on a hunch. Woke up this morning, and the muscles on my right side are sore from my compensation for the intense hip and pelvis pain. But I'm not feeling the intense hip and pelvis pain; or if I am? It's dropped from 8's and 9's, to like a 5. A 5. My hunch? It felt like all this pain started AFTER I accidentally ingested something with corn syrup. I couldn't remember having this level of pain before it happened. So, benedryl. And now I feel better; and the temperature is the same, the barometer is the same, it's still raining, thunderstorms are still looming. So the extra inflammation making things unbearable? Corn.

I can't even. I cannot. even. I want to laugh and cry and punch things at the same time. On the one hand, now I know I have pelvic instability issues that need taking care of. But if I go through this entire day able to walk? Not weeping with every step? Not blanking out etc...? Then... then I can't -- I am trying to express my feelings about relief, and anger and upset, and disgust at the medical professionals around me and more. And I just... I can't.

I know not everyone in the whole damn wide world is dealing with similar things. I know this. And yet? There are so many people I know of, dealing with pain; on this drug and that drug and this drug to deal with the side affects of drug number 1. And if it's all food allergies / severe intolerances? I just... Even for just myself? I do not have the words. I don't. The level of pain I was in this past week, and how I fell into this quiet depression while attempting to persevere and just deal with it.

I can rub my hip without bursting into tears. I can physically touch my skin, without bursting into tears.

Now to figure out, given the huge flare, if there's anything else I recently bought and have been consuming that also has corn in it - tipping me over, or triggering my body to react.

I'm hesitant to think this is it. That's why I'm giving myself to the end of the day to see how I feel ALL day, to see if this stuff has really helped and if anything but muscle soreness shows up. But...

I can't help thinking about the Clinic of Fucking Unprofessionalism. And the previous doctor I was dealing with, and this past monday's doctor; and all the drug prescriptions written out for this pain and that upset stomach to balance the pain-killer. And I'm fucking in a; when did healers become not even apcoatharies, but straight up pharma sales men. It's like horror movie car salesmen, where you just can't get away and they're gonna trap you into putting down money. I can't - huh, my thoughts are all over the place because antihistamine easing pain? That's not something that previously would have come up in my brain. That's something I need to remember now. And I just... I can't properly explain myself. I really can't.

ETA: I did not take a benedryl immediately after the initial ingestion, because it was only a couple spoonfuls and I thought it wouldn't be a big deal. And considering I didn't break out into itches or anything else I watch for - I figured it hadn't been. Well, now I know better (maybe).

Post A Comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Link



Willow
Date: 06:04PM | Mon, April 30th | 2012
Subject: So I Think I Would Rather Die In Whimpering Pain Than Deal With Anymore Doctors
Security: Public
Tags:fucking docs, fuckwittery

Home

Been home for a couple of hours; went straight to bed. The effort of moving around outside the house, feeling the way I do... it was too much. Complete strangers on the street were telling me I looked exhausted. And I was all - that's jut the damn effort to get to the clinic. Which turned out to have been a bad idea.

Teal Deer; I'm five pounds lighter than my 'dream' weight back when I wondered if avoiding allergens would really make that big of a difference in my physical appearance. So, the people who've been surprised at how I look aren't just playing the fool. Whoa.

Also, my blood pressure, despite enormous amounts of pain, and loathing being in that damn clinic - was the lowest it's ever been since I started having to take things for it. And it's this low WITHOUT any of the things people wanted to put me on.

That's it. That's all I got out of the walk in appt. That and a referral to go gt an x-ray. I could have tried to walk in and get it today; but after the appt I was so mad and upset and still in so much pain that I just hobbled my way home, via a supermarket with lamb. And yes, it was a strain to do that. But now I have lamb on the stove as comfort - cause shiv today, shiv doctors, shiv it all.

Oh yeah, and this one nurse I usually thought of as creepy - he's really, really silly. He was actually the best part of the damn experience, because his silliness made me laugh and relax despite my pain levels. (I usually see him when I'm waiting to go to my therapist and in that environment, his random joking and jestering feels unnerving. In a doctor's office, while in pain? I think that's part of the reason my pulse and bp were as low as they were. It's hard to be stressed when the nurse is making Princess Bride jokes at you.)

When I called my therapist, via my cell; intending to leave message (yet another message in fact), I got him. Live and in person. And discovered the doctor I did see, was the very last one he'd have ever wanted me to interact with. So the plan on Friday is to use my session time to finalize some shite to do with getting me some PP care.

Cause I suppose finding a doctor I could stand vs the ER might be a thing. But really, I'm all SHIV the Medical Fuckers.

She barely touched me, when she did and caused me pain, she wouldn't stop I had to reach out and push her hand away for a break. And despite me telling her no, constantly about drugs and that the only thing that doesn't upset my body is aspirin; she insisted that aspirin upsets people's stomachs more than other painkillers and the solution was to prescribe me these other painkillers AND something to protect my stomach from the upset. Three prescriptions, within fifteen fucking minutes. Then of course there was the usual bullshit about how I haven't been getting care for so long, and my 'conditions' need to be monitored and I needed to get blood tests right that day. To which I said NO. Loudly. And pointed out that I'd just gotten blood tests a few months ago - most of the ones she was asking about. Why that shit isn't in my chart? I don't know.

It was a horrible experience and mostly, I know I don't have any sort of infection, because according to her; I have no fever. Now, I actually DO have a fever, a very slight one. My baseline ISN'T 98.6. And that fact should be in my chart. But I guess it's not convinient insta there, so whatever.

I loathed her. I loathed her' I can only advise, if you want to go against medical advice...well...' I loathed her making me 'hop up' on the examination table despite my pain in order to examine me and not go looking for a room w/ a lower table or something. I hate that she exemplified damn near EVERYTHING about how my clinic, over the years has changed from a small community clinic primarily for queer peoples and encorporating low income peoples; to a low income, gov' sponsored, push 'em in and push 'em out converyour belt system. And that the only thing queer in the place anymore is the 'Wall of Courage'. I think, perhaps, when it was a program catering to queer people; it understood how much respectful care meant. And now, it's just surviving. Or something. Bah, I should hate it for having 'promoted' my original therapist out of actually seeing patients.

So yeah, in more pain now; cause the bus ride there triggered back spasms that haven't gone away. But wtf ever. W.T.F. ever.

Oh yeah, and apparently medicines aren't made out of - y'know, STUFF. Cause when I tried to explain that part of my allergic reactions is to things like corn, she was all 'only medical allergies are relevant'. Cause y'know, pills don't have corn fillers along with gluten and wheat fillers and the like. The FUCKER! More annoying than the bus drivers giving me side-eye for needing the ramp today to get on and off.

ETA: Before I can get a referral for a PT, I need to get the x-rays. But what if this is muscular, I'm not sure x-rays would show a damn thing. But whatever. I can worry about xrays another damn day. Or pray really hard about a massage therapist I have to find money to pay for out of pocket.

ETA2: I also hate doctors that ask you to describe the pain 'sharp, throbbing etc...' but then don't bother to explain to you WTF those descriptions even mean. So I said 'tight' and 'squeezy' which apparently wasn't helpful. I even tried to compare it to girl time soreness. But y'know, no feedback or help from her wtf so ever. But she did say one thing about it hurting to pee, that now has me worried; cause what does HURT even mean?! I need a Jungian therapist who decided to become an MD. Really I do.

ETA3: Something I realized in the middle of sleeping - Dr. Prescription Happy never once asked me if I was sexually active. I know I don't have PID. But how the hell is she to know that if she doesn't ask? Just because I don't have a fever? Not everyone/ever physical body responds to illness in exactly the same way. And there I was having difficulty describing pain to her according to the preset adjectives she wanted to use, and she didn't even ask me THAT basic of a question. I can't even. Cannot. Even.

ETA4: More and mor I'm feeling that as ridiculous as it seems to me, to walk into a room w/ a doctor and go 'HERE. This is what's going on w/ me. I researched it on the internet'. Apparently that might be the only way they'll come remotely close to figuring it out? If you do all the effort? I don't even - again, I don't even know. With muscles and bone situations, I was going to bring it up if y'know, conversation opened. But describing the pain didn't ring any bells for her. Just... grr arrgh fuck.

1 Comment | Post A Comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Link



Willow
Date: 11:09AM | Fri, July 29th | 2011
Subject: The Doctor Of Lies From The Clinic Of Lies
Security: Public
Mood:pissed off pissed off
Tags:fucking docs, i hate people, i will cut somebody

... I just got a call from my INSURANCE who's been sicced on me by said Doctor and Clinic Office for missing appointments. I don't know how I can even miss appointments when they won't let me MAKE appointments except the day of. I can't even. CAN NOT EVEN! It's upset my stomach and stressed my day and just ... yeah. New doctors, possibly new insurance. I can't. even!

And my therapist spent yesterday pondering if I need to inform any doctors I deal with about my pain issues and mental health issues and how that affects things. But the doctors at the clinic that HE is a part of, have access to my ENTIRE FILE! They just, apparently, don't give enough of a fuck to check it and see how what mental health things their patient has might affect .... anything.

My DIE IN A FIRE towards my local western medical community - you cannot even imagine. CANNOT EVEN IMAGINE!

Post A Comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Link



Willow
Date: 10:58AM | Fri, July 22nd | 2011
Subject: ...
Security: Public
Mood:stab the world stab the world
Tags:fucking docs, health: physical

Dear Doctor, I tell you I've been having copious allergic reactions, skin issues etc, I believe the drug you gave me does have sulfur agents in it and I've been affected! I state in my message I'm highly upset. And you have someone call me to say, it's NOT a sulfa(person could't pronounce it) drug, but stop taking it for 7-10 days and call back if I feel better? Really?! As if I can't figure out to stop taking the damn thing myself. As if perhaps I may not have already done that? WTF?

I can't do this anymore. I can't. I can't deal with doctors anymore. And I don't care if that makes me seem like some old woman stereotype with her herb teas and ointments and cats, convinced the young whippersnapper doctors don't know what they fuck they're doing. Cause it's a WHOLE lot of percent true, frankly.

I am tired, I am tired of my financial siuation being the dictate for what gets covered to test me, or treat me or mind my health. I'm really, really, fucking tired of feeling like a fucking problem whenever I deal with doctors and not like a person who wants to feel BETTER.

And this is the same doctor who promised me an increase in my thyroid medication and when I needed a new script/refills re-ordered just did the same old, same old, make-do.

Post A Comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Link



Willow
Date: 02:37AM | Tue, April 27th | 2010
Subject: Health, Me & A Mental Smack
Security: Public
Tags:die big pharma, fucking docs, health: physical

Well damn, I've been thinking in less dimensions haven't I.

It's been such a relief, these past two years to hear how this wasn't some moral failing on my part, my blood pressure, my blood sugar, other aspects of my health - that it was likely genetic, that I just might be predisposed to this and that; that I never stopped to consider that it's a weight off the doctors too. They don't have to do anything if it's 'genetic'. They don't have to keep searching, keep hunting, keep thinking about what these symptoms of dis-ease might mean. They can just prescribe some drugs because it's all 'out of everyone's control'.

Post A Comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Link



Willow
Date: 09:05PM | Fri, March 26th | 2010
Subject: I Feel Better (This Is Emotional)
Security: Public
Mood:complex complex
Tags:die big pharma, feeling: angry, fucking docs, health: emotional, health: physical

What a difference iodine and the right minerals (and some herbs) are making in my life. I really need to type up some of the stuff I wrote when visiting my mom; it's just so emotional. Even now, I cry when I realize how much energy I have left at the end of the day and how much I'd been conserving spoons for the past 2 years.

It's seemed like I've been looking at people cooking meals, on an actual stove-top, and talking about the combination of meat and veggies, or multiple veggies and sauces etc and just awing at them having the energy and focus to cook all that.

Right now I'm making dinner and it doesn't seem overly complicated. Not at all! And part of me is trying to figure out how to accept that it was and is complicated for those who don't have the energy or fortitude and are dealing with severe pain - that that reality is TRUE; while accepting that my reality right now, can include chopping vegetables and cooking on the stove-top vs the microwave. I have cooked and done laundry today - and yeah, took a nap, but it's been RAINING and I'm not curled up into a little ball, and I've played with the cat and just...

This is SO different than how the past year and change has been going.

Last night, I began to admit to myself that it's possible I picked up some sort of fungal infection from the Apt of Lies (due to the hole in the roof and the dripping water and black stuff that eventually forced me out of the room); and that it might have been compounded from crap in the LAST place I'd lived before the Apt of Lies (with the craptastic realtor) and possibly even the place before that with the damp basement. Since that was when I first discovered I had problems breathing in deeply.

Iodine's supposed to kill bacteria as well as supporting the thyroid.

And now I'm totally babbling because it just feels good to experiment with flavours in the kitchen. I missed cooking. How easy it's been to convince myself that I didn't like cooking. Sour grapes - not just about easing one's ego, perhaps also in certain cases, about maintaining sanity.

Right now I'm wrestling with myself since I haven't been to therapy since I got back. I'm trying to figure out how I feel about the clinic, about doctors, about the new guy, etc all at once. I think if I stay with the new guy I'm going to need to set up some ground rules about how we (his part in this) treat my interaction with doctors, whose side he's supposed to be on, and that he's supposed to note changes in my emotions as related to my physical health.

I'm hoping/thinking it was just a bit of a -slide- that I went so incredibly downhill during a period of incredible stress upon stress upon change upon stress - from the rush to move to the Apt of Lies and how that got all cocked up, to dealing with it and all those frustrations and the lack of a/c and the lack of heat and the mold and then the stopped payments and the landlord's harassment and the next move and hurting my knee oh yeah, D and her dog attacking me and how betrayed I felt by what happened that summer and switching therapists. A whole lot of stuff that ate away at me and perhaps made people believe me being that low was -NATURAL-.

And I'm still so angry (that's also in the longhand journal posts). So incredibly angry that my doctor(s?) were of no help. That test results were more important than my physical reality. That something as simple as vitamin and mineral supplements can make such a damn difference; something as simple as figuring out I'd been having malabsorption issues.

I'm so ANGRY at medicine as symptom appeasing instead of HEALING.

Huh, guess there's more going on inside of me that I've thought.

1 Comment | Post A Comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Link



Willow
Date: 02:35AM | Tue, November 17th | 2009
Subject: See Willow. See Willow Pissed
Security: Public
Tags:fucking docs, wtf!, wth?

News courtesy of Viridian5 - Lyrica causes SUICIDAL THOUGHTS.

My uneasiness at the casual prescription the first time the doctor suggested it, had me greatful it was getting the long approval process from my insurance. Then this second time she brought it up all 'Oh sciatica and nerve damage are helped by it' - uneasiness made me not pick it up.

Come my next appointment there is going to be a LOOOONG ass conversation and possibly me shopping around for a new doctor. Old therapist reccomendation or not. Cause WTF? I even asked her to list the side effects. She pulled her her little digital pharma guide and said 'Sleepiness'.

So that shit needs updating and she needs talking to for NOT updating it and MORE.

Shit. Not trusting a doctor means I'm less likely to go to appointments. Shit shit double shit.

Maybe I won't even wait till our next appointment. I might just leave her a voicemail or hand deliver a very pissed off letter.

G'damn 2009. I am so done.

PS/ETA: My uneasiness btw came from online research of the product where suicidal thoughts did not come up, but other side effects did. I took my doctor's claim of 'sleepiness' as her saying 'the major side effect' -- I... yeah, still too angry.

5 Comments | Post A Comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Link



By Any Other Name
of Willow
January 2016