By Any Other Name
the tale of Willow

Date: 08:14PM | Fri, June 15th | 2012
Subject: It might not be the dominant cultural thing to walk away - but my soul needs air
Security: Public
Tags:games: general, i hate people, ig'nant ppl, shit fuck damn, wth?

... I am having some kind of moment. Just, some kind of moment. I am fed up with people so in their thoughts and feelings they can't utilize reading comprehension - start bullshit talking to you explaining their position against a position you never even TOOK; which they would know, if they had actually READ YOUR WORDS & TOOK SPACE TO COMPREHEND THEM.

And it's irking me, but I'm not going to respond, cause I already said I was through discussing anything with them. But I'm just stuck solid, on their need to pull out; but the one who notices the problem is actually the problem. And no, this isn't even about race. This is about a bloody game, that I liked but had a complaint about that the creators found applicable and they and I were discussing options for an update to add some stuff. And here comes this person all; but that's just the way these games are, but that's just how this character is, and to call them on their actions is to be as unreasonable and angry and dangerous as you're claiming they were - you need to be more introspective.

Whereas I'd said ; whoa, what happened there was kind of freaky and I found the character's apology to be milkwater, is it possible to have a chance to call them on their action? Mention they scared or hurt your char? Cause it seems kind of abusive, especially if you end up just taking their remarks and their weaksauce apology.

And the creators aggreed with me. We'd spend the day working out possibilities as well as discussing stuff. Back and forth on the board. And then here comes this two legged turd.

I can't even. I just can't. But y'know, I should have been warned the moment the person was all 'It's a 50 Shades of Grey thing'.

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Date: 07:31PM | Tue, May 8th | 2012
Subject: Things Make A Post - Maybe
Security: Public
Mood:indescribable indescribable
Tags:*sigh*, i hate people, pain scale 6.5, pain scale 7, wth?

Have discovered one source of pain; not THE source. But A source. Apparently my clothes are just a little too big. A little too big enough that I'm trapping limbs in them when I sleep, putting enough pressure and friction on them, that I wake up with sore spots and (before now) no idea why. And as joints with their convenient bendy points, capture fabric; it's been bizzare to have both random spots of burny soreness and pain and what felt like bruising. And what felt like very odd joint issues. Am I doing the same thing when I'm awake? I don't know. But I definitely do not self-correct/self-adjust in sleep. I think my sleeping self just deals with pain by not moving the limb; which might not help much if the pain is caused by it being trapped.

In other news, this severe weather alertness; barometer up to 30 and 31 is also contributing to pain and the end result is, my sleeping schedule is all messed up; a combination of taking things for the pain, and just not wanting to be awake (unconscious thoughts) when I feel like crap. Also, having to be horizontal to deal with the pain, just sends me to sleep. I've spent YEARS training myself that that position is FOR sleep. So... uhm... The opposite of insomnia? Or a little offshoot of same?

Cat is a demanding furball as ever; pet me, feed me, love me, groom me.

I... I've been avoiding answering my phone for a few days. I am so damn grateful right now for texting. I just texted my mother; cause she left an 'OMG I Didn't Hear From You!' Even though she called me on Sat. And then forgot to call me back. But texting means I don't have to deal with her when I'm avoiding people. Why am I avoiding people? I'm not certain about that one. I just am. I'm proud of myself for checking messages. It's probably pain related. Lately it feels like I think I've discovered the why of something, and a few hours later; there's another aspect to it all. All this... pain... stimuli.

In fact I've been feeling a little on edge and wary of things in general; this close to being over-stimulated by the stress and unhappy (and ismist) crap in the world. I need to find some more joys. I have a few little spots; but I definitely need more so I don't feel like a walking wounded raw nerve - when I'm conscious of how I'm feeling. I'm finding myself very, very amazed that people who are all in their feelings, all the time, simultaneously and also have time to do other things. How do you do that? I find it exhausting; feeling things, processing the feelings, recognizing what I can do something about and what I can't. So much stimuli. Is it as exhausting/energy using up when it's all good? Cause spending good times with ppl I care about also drains me; though so far that's included a bit of travel and other adjustments. But damn.

If this is a case of 'I need a higher dosage of my current thyroid medication' - I should probably leave the house tomorrow for a same day appt, with a hopefully non sucky medical practitioner and start that ball rolling. But right now? I am so heavily into eff the world. Heavily into it.

And that's not even counting my sudden dislike of chicken. Maybe I made too much soup this past week? Maybe it's getting warmer and my body wants different fare? That's possible, right? My body does recognize two seasons, and the heat of 'dry' usually means light, quenching food? Or at least, lots of mauby. Annnnd now I'm missing peanut drink so hard, and doubles and phalourie - though, if I had the energy I could probably make some of those. I'm not allergic, I don't think, to split pea flour.

Oh! And a friend offered to get me a medical alert... thingie. And I've been spending ages trying to decide what I really want and would likely always wear/be unlikely to forget or resent - cause what I find pretty and what works for me, is not always the same thing. And I think right now I'm pouty because what might actually wear might be too expensive for me to feel comfortable accepting as a gift. So... Mental processing for that too. Also? I've mentioned before that OMG so few lines to mention so many things? (3 lines, 22 characters?) -- Hmmmm.

Also have I mentioned how much I long for the ability to pick up the phone and order delivery as both perk and treat and not having to cook when my brain isn't into it and what I have in the house I'm so not feeling? And having it be corn free, gluten free, nightshade free, dairy free, nitrate free, sulphite free and egg free? As just the basics?


And I don't think I have enough carbs currently in the house; since the supermarket last month sent me bananas instead of plantains and I cannot bring myself to eat the remainders; especially considering I've only ever liked my bananas yellow-green and these are definitely not greenish.

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Date: 11:09AM | Fri, July 29th | 2011
Subject: The Doctor Of Lies From The Clinic Of Lies
Security: Public
Mood:pissed off pissed off
Tags:fucking docs, i hate people, i will cut somebody

... I just got a call from my INSURANCE who's been sicced on me by said Doctor and Clinic Office for missing appointments. I don't know how I can even miss appointments when they won't let me MAKE appointments except the day of. I can't even. CAN NOT EVEN! It's upset my stomach and stressed my day and just ... yeah. New doctors, possibly new insurance. I can't. even!

And my therapist spent yesterday pondering if I need to inform any doctors I deal with about my pain issues and mental health issues and how that affects things. But the doctors at the clinic that HE is a part of, have access to my ENTIRE FILE! They just, apparently, don't give enough of a fuck to check it and see how what mental health things their patient has might affect .... anything.

My DIE IN A FIRE towards my local western medical community - you cannot even imagine. CANNOT EVEN IMAGINE!

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Date: 11:06AM | Wed, May 25th | 2011
Subject: Remember Ms Bossy Pants?
Security: Public
Mood:not happy not happy
Tags:i hate people, i will cut somebody, library

At the library? Who has issues with me waiting my turn at the side and not going through the turnstile? Well she'd looked at a book I had, and put it UNDER the desk, aka under where the computer and keyboard are. At the time I hadn't thought -too- much about it, except to wonder why she hadn't put the other interlibrary loan books there too. Well THAT book is MISSING. I distinctly remember it, white with a green band at the bottom. An allergy book for kids and food which turned out not to suit my needs. This, way back in April. Well... here it is fricking MAY and the book is in the system as belonging to me and being with me, despite the fact I turned it in.

Just called the Central Library, told them what was up. They're going to call me back. But I'm getting ready to leave the house in a bit for therapy so I don't know. Not looking too forward to being out of touch. Not looking too forward to possibly strolling back to that place with Ms. Unpleasantness and asking 'Where the hell is my book?'

Except that might not do any good - just got the phone-call back (Shirley) and it's going to take a couple DAYS for them to check and see where the heck this book is. And yeah, now I'm upset. I'm told that any fees accrued will be dismissed once the book is found. But geeze damn stomach-stab - wtf is that woman at that local branch playing at? How will this affect my ability to continue to borrow books? Is there a notation being made? I'll have to ask when I'm there that a notation IS made, cause eff, damn, stomach-stab.

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Date: 01:15PM | Thu, January 20th | 2011
Subject: Inconsiderate Assholes Should Feel Pain + Living Life W/ Triggers
Security: Public
Tags:i hate people, i will cut somebody

I loathe inconsiderate people. My whole day was lost, because near 8am, someone decided to shout / carry on in front of my building. That set off a panic attack, so alarming, my fingers swelled up from the adrenal rush and I had to take my ring off before it got stuck or cut off bloodflow. I've sent ALL DAMN DAY - trying to go back to sleep, rest, calm down. Darn near missed my mail carry-package-pickup. Still having damn spasms.

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Date: 01:33PM | Tue, January 11th | 2011
Subject: Brought To You By YET ANOTHER HOLOCAUST PORN FIC (via Inception fandom)
Security: Public
Tags:#social justice issues, fail fail everywhere, fandom: culture, fandom: is, i hate people

I would just like to say that it is entirely possible to have, enjoy, request and write about Person in Authority vs Person not in Authority, kink fic, WITHOUT having to bring up; The Holocaust, Natural Disasters & Human Suffering. Chattel Slavery, etc... So you like situations where someone is attracted to someone they have control over, or where someone is attracted to someone who has control over them and whom they should dislike. All fine and dandy. FIGURE THAT SHIT OUT and realize you can subtract the kink from the 'trappings'. Since said trappings tend to be lowest common denominator, easiest dehumanizing and trivilization of the pain of a group of people (who are traditionally undervalued).

And if, if it's REALLY necessary to you, to have the Nazi Uniforms involved in your sex fantasies, to have it be a white slave owner and a black slave (with whippings and the like) - then yes, you will be judged and you should take a deep hard look at what prejudices are underpinning your sexual psyche and recognize what's motivating you, and DEAL WITH IT TO BECOME A BETTER HUMAN BEING. Because again, you can have your kink without the offensiveness and the whole 'Your Kink Is Not My Kink', I would sincerely ass hope was not meant to hand-wave and pass over when someone's sexual fantasies and enjoyment comes at the expense of other people's painful history.

And no, I don't actually care who thinks I'm infringing on free sex/ sex positive whatever with this post. Because I equate them with the people who think I'm infringing on free expression when I say stuff like 'Headdresses Are Not COSTUME JEWLERY' and they say shit like 'You Can't OWN A Culture'. There is nothing POSITIVE in promoting the trivialization of chattel slavery, the Shoah, various natural disasters in less developed or just plain Non American (US) parts of the world. If you have to erase ignore true historical context, intergenerational trauma and institutionalized bigotry and hatred in order to just so you can get your rocks off - then SOMETHING IS WRONG.

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Date: 08:25PM | Mon, September 6th | 2010
Subject: Note To Self
Security: Public
Mood:indescribable indescribable
Tags:i hate people, note to self, sleep cycle, willow's warren

If I want a good set of sleep, I NEED to use the earplugs, otherwise I spend the entire time I'm sleeping, cringing and curled up against every bit of noise etc from upstairs and wake up NOT refreshed and also extremely sore and tense.

So yeah, another day lost. But I think I have a clue now as to the non pharma reasons behind my sleep schedule problems. Seriously I know now, considering I put the ear plugs in half way through and I feel more rested and relaxed than I have in days. If I was being that hyper-vigilant in my sleep, no wonder I was also staying awake until the sun rose. That's bound to make sleeping LESS alarming than hearing thuds and bumps and noise in my sleep at NIGHT.

I am in no position to move, but DAMN, yeah, this situation is no longer 'long term' for me. As long as that woman with her high heels and clogs and children are making noise about my head, I've got two years to be well enough and save up enough to move. Cause damn.

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Date: 10:29AM | Tue, June 29th | 2010
Subject: And the world said
Security: Public
Mood:antisocial antisocial
Tags:anxiety scale 6, i hate people, wtf!

"Good Morning Willow, How about we put some kind of road works right in front of your bedroom window; drilling at 9:20am in the morning, with banging and thunderous machinery. With noise so loud you won't want to leave the house to find out what's going on and how long it will take because the very vibrations will make your heart squeeze in your chest."

And here I am just getting over storm pains from last week.

I can't even laugh - I've just got this kind of pained look on my face. Have I mentioned I've only had 4.5 hours of sleep?

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Date: 09:50PM | Thu, May 6th | 2010
Subject: It's Not NYC - But It Sure Sounds Familiar
Security: Public
Tags:i hate people

Now I know why those cops two years ago, took advantage of my shock and fright to talk me OUT of filing a report and also not explaining to me that not filing a report meant there wouldn't even be a notation of the complaint.

And of course the next week was it? I'd have to go check; the person they thought likely to be responsible if it -wasn't- the cleaning woman somehow on the wrong floor - robbed a CHURCH.

On the non personal side - I can't help wondering what 'massaging the statistics' results in when combined with the crappy taser training. You need to make a quota, there's a brown person around and you've got a taser? Well then...

This is just whirling with the thoughts I had recently, as to how the working class 'produces' something, but are replaceable and anyone deemed an undesirable (because they don't produce what's wanted/the way it's wanted) should really not be around at all and everyone better stick to where they've been placed because they can always be bumped down (or end up dead).

This also sorts out for me why American politicians run screaming from the phrase 'class warfare'. I can remember Dubya I think it was going "But what you're describing is class warfare" - Is it supposed to be the American myth that America doesn't have classes and castes? Seriously?

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Date: 03:13PM | Mon, March 29th | 2010
Subject: Can't Talk
Security: Public
Tags:#race issues: visual media, i hate people, i will cut somebody

The Live Action - Last Airbender Manga Is Here. Put On Some Shades. It's BrightWhite.

Busy Hating Paramount AND White People.

Guess it's a good thing I just bought some books. Cause Paramount sure does own a lot of movie & tv interests.

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Date: 05:18PM | Mon, December 14th | 2009
Subject: America The What?
Security: Public
Mood:pissed off pissed off
Tags:i hate people, i will cut somebody, the world: 2009

Lamya Cammon.

Another black child, another set of foolishness. Teacher cut her braid off, cause teacher was annoyed girl was playing with her hair in class. 7 year old child. Teacher? Gets $175 fine. DA refuses to go forward with charges.

School board says: Teacher was upset because of budget cuts.

I am -done- with the American Public School System.

D. O. N. E.

It's not just this, it's autistic children being voted out of class, and other children with neurlogical disorders being suffocated to death by teachers attempting to get them to 'behave'. It's calling traditional African hairstyles - distractions. It's calling traditional First Nations hairstyles - distractions. It's -fining- families ridiculous amounts of money because their kids are 5 minutes late.

D. O. N. E.

And that's without dealing with Texas.

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Date: 05:06PM | Mon, October 26th | 2009
Subject: How A Casual Name Search Ends Up Raising My Blood Pressure.
Security: Public
Tags:i hate people, internet_whitebread

Look, if you put the word 'Ghetto' into your title (60 Black Ghetto Names), and then claim the list contained therein your video 'Is not racist. It's only a joke' - It's racist, ok. It is. And you're just trying to get by.

If you write the name D'Neijah is: a lovely, traditional African name from the exotic African ethnicity -- You may not be racist. But you're sure as hell IGNORANT.

If you think that you don't want to give other people (teachers, child's eventual friends etc) a hard time learning your child's name and stumbling over it -- You have somehow become the parent of the world and not your own offspring. How'd that happen?

If you think D'Neijah: Will be hell with computer scanned forms because there's no place to put an apostrophe so such a name will cause the. entire. world. problems. You are suffering from a severe lack of imagination. Oh yeah, you're also racist.

If you think D'Neijah: Sounds like a black name, not that there's anything wrong with that. Except, it has to sound like VAGINA and who would name their child that? -- Get thee behind me honkey.

If you write the name D'Neijah is: ... a terrible name. It's right up there with all the other names that sound like women make them up at the spur of the moment! Where on earth do people think up these new names? I tend to think they are high on something when they do! I can't imagine calling a baby by that name or others like it, plus the fact of going through life with people trying to pronounce them! -- Congratulations Racist McRacist Pants! You have won Racist Lotto! Feel free to pick up your hood and sheet at any time, because if that's the only racist you can see, that's the way the world needs to dress you up for the clarification of others (so they can avoid your ass).

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Date: 10:45AM | Fri, October 23rd | 2009
Subject: Willow Observes That Entitlement Is A Tricky/Sticky Trap
Security: Public
Tags:i hate people, wth?

When someone calling themselves a feminist uses the terms: evil cunt, Evil Stepmother, etc... to describe how they think other individuals are seeing or treating them - for me at least, it makes it plain that they have an agenda in representation. Mainly they want the other party to be associated with negative words and phrases because they believe the other party to be negative and nothing will change their mind.

It is also difficult for me to see the difference between someone using those terms to describe themselves and someone using the terms; racist and KKK member to describe themselves when having an argument with someone of colour about racism:

I am not the racist you paint me to be, I just subscribe to this point of view and believe I was treated to 'reverse discrimination'.

It is also difficult to believe they aren't enjoying the fight when they start to attack an individual's style of writing and how they phrase their thoughts. In my case it has led me to second guess why an individual has been treated certain ways by others.

I do not know that there is any further dimension, currently private, about the situation that will change my opinion about one particular older white feminist being a jerk.

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Date: 02:48PM | Mon, October 12th | 2009
Subject: Music For What Ails
Security: Public
Mood:recovering recovering
Tags:i hate people, letters to nowhere

Dear Dyaniera


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Date: 08:12PM | Tue, May 26th | 2009
Subject: And Fuckbuckets
Security: Public
Tags:#queer issues: q is for queer, i hate people

While I Was Sleeping California Created A Third Class.

Not as catchy as Sleeping in Seattle, or While You Were Sleeping. But this latest thing to come out of the home of LaLa Land is all about Law vs Common Sense & Decency.

There are explosions (emotional), action (what the Supreme Court didn't do) and kicks to the face! (how the rest of California's Queer Population must be feeling).

Gosh darn treacherous sleep. And it wasn't even that good!

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Date: 07:53PM | Tue, May 26th | 2009
Subject: If I Had A Shoutgun, The World Wouldn't Be Safe.
Security: Public
Tags:i hate people, sleep cycle, wtf!!

Let me tell you all about the deep sleep I did not get. Why? Because someone's car alarm went off and wouldn't shut up. Loud, constant beeping, over and over again. My bedroom? One small garden away from the road and street parking.

I don't know how long it went on, really, but this was no mere beep beep, chirp chirp and then someone came and turned it off. This was me, trying to go back to sleep and put a pillow over my head, only to wake up a bit later and the beep was STILL going on. This was me trying to continue to sleep because I could hear the rain outside and knew there wasn't much point in me hobbling in the rain to find the car, cause it's not like a swift kick, even if I could manage a swift kick at 2 tons of steel, would stop the damn thing.

Wake up, turn over, pull pillow tighter - repeat.

Woke up just now because some ass was playing -music- loud. After the car alarm that got me pissed enough to get up, pull on a jumper and hobble my ass outside to see wtf was going on. At least this time I knew someone would be at the vehicle in question. But just as I started up the outdoor stairs to the garden (3 steps - I love my place but it is neither cane or wheelchair friendly), the music cut off. I didn't see the car, but I saw the man responsible for the music-noise, going up stairs to his place of abode. I think I might recognize him. I hope I do, cause the next time I'm out and about, should I see him going to or from his car - I really want to go "Excuse me, but wtf is up with your noise pollution?"

Seriously, why is there a generation absolutely determined to go deaf before they hit forty? I'm gonna take a wild guess and say I'm pretty sure the Deaf Community does not want stupid people seeking entrance.

Anyway, there went restful sleep. Goodbye REM. And after only getting five hours previously. 8 hours where only a few of them where me hitting REM, is less good, I think, than five hours with REM (or it's possible equal depending on how long that car alarm was going off).

Well crap to my health.

And yeah, possibly someone's car was broken into - but since they weren't around to realize this fact AND TURN OFF THE DAMN ALARM, my sympathy is limited.

Re: Title - If I had a shotgun the world really wouldn't be safe, but could I wield it liberally (and legally) in people's faces, the world sure as HELL would be quiet.

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Date: 09:12PM | Tue, July 22nd | 2008
Subject: Cause someone decided they weren't getting enough attention....
Security: Public
Tags:fandom: culture, fandom: is, i hate people, meta, wtf!!

This and also this and unbelievably but true this all relate to [info]purplepopple here on iJay being an individual who shamelessly and boldly links fannish pseud's to RL Identities and may have a thing for harassing the OTW folk in particular.

I'm not pro OTW. I rather avoid thinking about it where I can.

But people I care about are involved in OTW. It brings them squee.

Calling up BS about how if they have their real identities listed a) anywhere on the net, b) as part of OTW then it's all public property / a simple connection/ wtf ever? That's... I don't even have words for that.

I went to the _fanhistory wiki_ that the outer is promoting and did a quick search to make sure none of the fans I've known and cared for who've since died are in the directory. It wasn't likely since it seems to be build_me_a_wiki_via_bot_& profiles_ but I needed to double-check.

It's been asked that folk not link to the _fanhistory wiki_ because doing so pushes up the page's google-rankings.

Just today I posted about how I view fandom vs how other people seem to be viewing it and the 'Cult of Nice'. And yet I don't think there's anyone who believes in reviews and recs (or concrit for that matter) who'd be all for linking identities.

JC, Mary, Joseph and the Prophet Elijah. That's some bold faced vindictiveness.

If you want more information please do read the links, on LJ or not. Because those are well phrased and spaced explanations of what's going on. This right here is as coherent as I get before the cussing starts.

The Cussing )

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Date: 04:08PM | Sun, May 4th | 2008
Subject: For the ones who wanted to bother me last night (and just anyone curious)
Security: Public
Mood:incredibly upset incredibly upset
Tags:#race issues: gaming, #race issues: general, i hate people, online: culture

Chopchica does post-mortem.

I've sat and thought about if I wanted to say anything, if I had anything different to say. But it all boils down to what she said - there under a bright and shiny and seemingly careless surface, is racism. And for me, the name change feels like something very small - good, but small. Because I don't believe the game's moderators and players realized or learned anything.

I think they walked away from this huffy and upset at having their racist and insensitive actions called out.

I think they walked away from this talking about those whiny Jews and Jew lovers.

I think they walked away from this thinking about how the Jews want to own the Holocuast.

I think they walked away from this with any little knowledge they had about homosexuals, the physically and mentally handicaped and blacks who were also in the camps - completely drummed out of their heads with words like cunt and bitches and sheep.

I think they walked away from this thinking that it was just bad timing to have promoted the game so close to Holocaust Remembrance Day.

For hours they watched people comment; upset and outraged and hurt and disgusted. They watched human beings say 'This is wrong! Please stop being so wrong!' and all they could think about was their sense of entitlement and that if someone brings up a point that hurt their feelings there should be cock sucking and petting and pampering to make them feel better and THAT would be what prompted them to change anything at all. As if racial sensitivity was some kind of trade.

For hours they ignored the very simple, plain and easily understood fact that intent does not matter when someone is hurt.

I think behind locked posts some of them will still refer to the game, or the game's timeline point as The Night of Breaking Glass.

I think marieantoinette is not the only individual who thinks the Holocaust was 'something in the past that should not be dwelled on'. I think she is not the only one who is like to believe the same for slavery. If the Holocaust was 'Oh my gosh 70' years ago, then Slavery being centuries away is what she'll focus on. Never mind that Jim Crow Laws and Segregation are only forty years away.

The fact that after so many commented, someone could come to my journal to ask me just why I was upset...

It boggles the mind.

I am reminded of all the times, in other conversations where things went pretty much the exact same way - someone brings up "But I went to Japan and they reverse discriminated against me!!" As if a country filled with people who lost a war, and who suffered terrible tragedies like Hiroshima and Nagasaki actually have the power to do anything but make an individual feel uncomfortable. And even then, within the culture, it would have to be an individual who felt above following the norms of the society they were visiting.

I bring this up because all this defensiveness and spitting swear words and back up determination to stay in the wrong, seems to come from feeling guilt and having discomfort.

Guilt & Discomfort.

Those are the reasons the pain and suffering, the humiliation and anger of formerly and still currently oppressed peoples are to be ignored.

Guilt & Discomfort.

To admit that you were careless, thoughtless and insensitive is to face guilt and discomfort. I don't believe that all racism is based completely on this, but I do believe that a goodly part of the racism that infects individuals who want to claim that they're good people - comes from guilt and discomfort.

And energy.

They'd have to learn something. They're angry at having to learn something. They're angry at having to spend time and energy learning something. And rather than be angry at their ancestors who treated various groups of people as if they were less than nothing - it's easier to be angry at the descendents of those groups for bringing things up. As if racism were not a cancer that when ignored continues to consume society, multiplying cell by cell, thought by thought, invading and possessing.

I am well aware that there are individuals behind the journals that were involved in this. And I'm left thinking of those individuals that spoke, and the ones who let a few doing the speaking for them. And I'm left KNOWING they're not at all nice or good people. They want things easy. They want anything that isn't easy to just go away and leave them alone. If they don't think about living in an Apartheid State then it isn't true. Cause America is great! America's #1 and how dare you insinuate, how dare you accuse its children of not being perfect.


For the moderators of [info]asylum_promo, I do not wish to have any further communications from Keieeeye. Her concept of PR clean up is seriously lacking.

For [info]prairiecrow A better term for what went on would be imbroglio and not wank. Racism and anti-semitism are not the same as shipping wars and who's the best NuWho Companion. But it's just a suggestion from someone "childish and impulsive".

For [info]ardath_rekha While I do not believe in your apology, I am grateful that you took the time to apologise and risked doing so on the journal of someone who was and is incredibly upset by what happened. I have unscreened the apology on my post but I also point people here to where you posted the apology to anyone still tracking things.

To anyone wishing they could comment or start/continue conversation in my journal - I'm sorry, but I cannot handle conversation right now. I am still far too incredibly angry and upset. Chopchica has comments open - if you have an LJ you can go there.

ETA: I am not exempting the British Isles, or Europe from containing idiots and assholes and a strong sense of superiority.

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Date: 10:52PM | Sat, May 3rd | 2008
Security: Public
Mood:very upset very upset
Tags:i hate people, wtf!!

If you're a part of that game - You upset and hurt me.

If you're part of the community that helped promote that game - You upset and hurt me.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

Having your journal pre-banned means I did not want to ever have any sort of interaction with you EVER.

I don't care if you're converting to Judiasm. I don't care if you just want some answers or to know. The day was long. I got steadily pissed. I DISLIKE YOU GO AWAY NOW.

There were three hundred plus comments. Maybe some of those people are willing to talk. I AM UPSET. I WANT YOU TO HAVE SENSE DRILLED INTO YOUR HEAD VIA SUPERVILLIAN.

Stop creating/using new journals to get around the banning. Stop commenting to me.

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Date: 01:59PM | Sat, May 3rd | 2008
Subject: Me + Fannish + MetaFandom (pt 2)
Security: Public
Tags:about me, activism: protest, i hate people

In light of the fact that the last post about my feelings and a certain game, I'm being told, will hit Metafandom and that I just posted about feeling disconnected from Meta fandom - I think I've figured out what I was feeling.


Every week, every month there's another incidence of people not thinking and then it goes round and round the blogjournalsphere and others comment about how much there is a lack of thinking; don't appropriate, don't use the site of genocide for heart to heart buttsex, don't use a title in genocide for a game, don't attempt to decide what is painful and triggering and invasive and sexist/racist/ablist/cis-ist (cisgenderist?) for those to whom it's an every day thing.

I think I felt that Metafandom too often showcased that things aren't fixed, aren't even slowly mending. And occasionally there's a splash of issue of the week where one stumbles across someone writing who obviously doesn't have a clue it's just the rest of their flist is all talking about 'the thing'.


So yeah, I'm guessing this was a conservation of energy thing I was feeling and questioning.

Also, I'm a chronic pain sufferer, with a mental diagnosis - thus disabled, black, lesbian, non-Christian, Jewish, immigrant. No wonder I'm effing exhausted. And no wonder I've been so angry about what's happened in the femisphere recently. I live intersectionality. How the hell am I supposed to rip myself apart to shove some piece up front before the rest, according to the core within movements that only pay attention to ONE thing. Their thing.

So yeah, BURNT OUT on dealing with those who aren't living and breathing activism, in whatever form they take it, but with their eyes and ears always open and aware. This is not a cause for me. This is my life. That would change how I relate to things.

ETA: Oh the other hand, if the upset post does hit metafandom, it will remind me of which individuals on livejournal are still my people.

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Date: 11:04PM | Fri, May 2nd | 2008
Subject: ---
Security: Public
Tags:i hate people, online: life

There is a community on iJay right now, named Kristallnacht.

It's a Harry Potter RPG GAME.

Their info says they're well aware of what the name means and that for their game, an AU wherein Grindlewald won, they find it appropriate.

Maybe this is just a kneejerk reaction on my part. But right now I'm amazed at my ability to string words together. Because I feel something between utter sadness and knife's edge rage.

They have images all over of broken glass.


I am personally upset. Just me. Just by myself. And I can't even begin to describe why, because it's all a visceral gut thing. It's odd. K*** doesn't affect me. But this particular K word seriously does.

ETA 2 things:

1) I did not expect this to hit metafandom. When I'm upset, I journal. Finding out about this made me upset.

2) [info]kdorian, who did find it, promoted on [info]asylum_promo on May 2nd, had a conversation with them here and offered to pay for rename tokens. They declined. I have the page saved.

Son of Edit: The link was put up so the conversation could be seen. Twas never my intention for folk to go over to that comm and complain. Don't ask me what I figured would happen. This is beyond me being upset now. Though for those who've seen the comm name because they have the promo asylum friended and who feel a need to say something now, because seeing me upset helped them find a voice - I'm not pointing fingers at you or saying anything about you. Cause finding a voice is important.

Cousin of Edit: Me a little more coherent.

Aunt of Edit: I was going to suggest people complain on the FAQ page of the comm, then decided against it. They didn't know they promoted their game on the Day of Remembrance and well, I don't know. I'm feeling odd sympathies alongside my upset and anger. However, some of you found it anyway. I... Thank you. I was writing about being upset when I first wrote this post, and feeling crushed and being in tears. Thank you, sincerely for speaking up and out, for being angry and for KNOWING that intent means nothing when it comes to having hurt someone. Thank you.

Parole Officer of Edit: The FAQ page no longer has any comments. They were either erased, screened or the whole post turned to disallow comments. I only have a webcap up to about 5:38pm, EST - [info]seperis. I didn't go back and keep updating the cap because I didn't think they'd take that step to making this WORSE. Erasing the voices doesn't silence them. It just makes people take broader actions - while screaming louder.

Sad Momma of Edit: So the name's been changed. it took the whole damn day and who knows how many people for something to happen, that some humane thinking would have avoided. Ban_set remains my friend. I started off hurt, confused but somewhat sympathetic. I ended the day, stone cold pissed off, STILL hurt, and hoping never to meet them face to face or my shoe might meet their heads. 9:52pm - They've changed their images.

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By Any Other Name
of Willow
January 2016