And so far have not found a single PoC character, not player character, not NPC in the game. So, despite the fact it seems intriguing; it's not getting my money. Even if it seems far more long lasting than 'Magical Diary' (from whence i found the link to it in the first place). Magical Diary allows you to create a brown character, and HAS brown character NPCs. So yeah, eff you too, 'Academagia'. I'm not going to pay for your game, then hunt down which coded files have the portraits, then find a program to safely open them, then either color people brown, or hunt to find a matching art style to add brown people, then save it and after ALL THAT PREP? Only then start enjoying myself.
And I might, MIGHT, if I'm feeling up to it? Email them to point out they don't have any brown characters that I can see. MIGHT. But I resent having to be 'ahem, perhaps there are brown and black folks, non white folks who'd like to play your game too and give you money and enjoy your creativity'. I RESENT IT. I'd like to know if I buy a game? I start it and BOOM; I can create someone that looks like me, my family, people I know, my neighbours, my community, my ancestors, and the majority of the fucking world.
My Herminone Is Black, Yo!
Somewhere between updating my browser, cause it was acting like it had a bug - and possibly Youtube rolling out more 'new changes' [ETA: Aha! I have found ppl on userstyles.org complaining about a new rollout TODAY. So it IS them messing w/ my UI/UX], there's no longer a usable (to me) link to a channel's seasons or shows. Once before I could see each season, click on it, and get a list of the most recent episodes. Now it's all 'playlists' and in order to see the most recent episodes I have to click the list and scroll ALL the way to the bottom. And even then? Say I can't remember if I've seen the latest ep? I have to click on it again, so it loads, to see the damn date.
If it's not that complicated for people who are logged in - whoop to them. But not everyone wants (or needs) to be logged in to watch a video, or casually follow a channel or the like.
I'm exhausted. I tried to nap on the sofa hours ago, didn't quite work. Had a bad dream. Went to bed, kids making noise in front of the house woke me up. It's summertime so being loud and screaming at 9 o'clock is apparently ok with them. Ugh. Computer being wibbly, atm. Hoping I figured out the problem - and if not, that my next prepared step is helpful. Too tired to talk to ppl, near too tired to think. Been a long. ass. day.
And now this.
I ordered groceries last night. Was really happy about being able to do so. They just arrived. About $80-100 worth is missing. They just didn't have it. And no one called me to ask me about substitutions, etc. Some of it is house keeping stuff like kitty litter. But some of it is/was not only food stuffs, but food stuffs I'd chosen specifically as birthday treats. After all my negotiating and dealing with my new food limits.
So yay food. And so much boo and WTF to again not having 'something special' along with knowing that yeah, I will be having to order groceries again awfully soon.
Also, when I saw how little I got for what I actually paid - it hit me all over again, how the price of groceries has slowly creeped up and up, 25 cents here, 30 cents there, until now, stuff is a dollar and more expensive, per item than it was LAST year. But hey, Wall Street is doing GREAT. So the economy MUST be beter. Great Recession? Peh. Pish. That's BEEN over, if it ever was.
The neighbours two doors down, have something gong on in their basement, or something. There's a van, a motor and a oud droning noise. It's been there on and off since last week. Today finally peeked my head out to see what it is. Today was a day of interruptions - people coming to the door, ringing the bell, to give me bible verses or bible somethings. I must have looked the picture of 'Are you effing kidding me' - cause I'd been trying to nap, the bell rang and my heart rate went all skippity jump, cause I wasn't expecting any packages or anything. And then it's someone wanting me to to have a conversation about deity? WTF?
My mom also called - twice. Well once, and then I had to call her back and she insisted on calling me back from that. Chopped up day, not too restful, really.
I think tomorrow I'm gonna pull out the futon and chill out here, and the cat will love it; for more restful rest. Cause loud droning noise, even if it is white noise to sme extent, probably has me tensing up in my sleep.
This was originally going to be a summary post; my day, the rain, exhaustion, heavy therapy stuff, mild groceries, trash bins, feeling to exhausted to take the humdifier upstairs so it'll have to wait until tomorrow and about running into Dr. Suck from The Clinic Of Dangerous Incompetence & Lies (the one who's moving away, prompting insurance to call me and try to get me to pick a doctor even as I tell them I'm headed out the door to an appointment and they should call me back). As I was logging in, however, on the television (I had a Mythbuster's craving) came one of those 'IF YOU HAVE BEEN INJURED BY' lawyer commercials. For Actos. Litigious side effect? BLADDER CANCER.
Now I no longer care that when she saw me in the elevator (she was in the therapy building) what she remarked on wasn't 'is your blood pressure ok' and 'how are you'. But 'Oh, you've lost more weight!' And 'You're still with that other doctor, right? She's doing good with you'.
Yes. Me no longer being on destructive-to-my-system medications IS SOMEHOW ALL ABOUT SOME OTHER DOCTOR SOMEHOW DISCIPLINING ME INTO
BETTER HEALTH less weight. And I sit down to comment on it here, and the commercial comes on about ACTOS, the drug that OTHER DOCTOR put me on (the one I also no longer trust; she who put me on a sulphur drug and then told me it wasn't a sulphur drug the names just sounded similar).
Face Punch Doctors. Face Punch Them VERY MUCH.
Once upon a time I bought a cutting board & knife set that has served me very very well. It's been a couple of years now. The board is wood. So, I've been wanting another since the current board is for veggies only. Despite wanting glass for meat, I heard glass can damage knives and my knives already are what I can afford and I had no wish to harm them. And then I saw and picked up, locally, a little bamboo cutting board for meat a while back, have been scrubbing it with soap and water in between uses. But I've been sick since yesterday. Today when I lifted it up to double wash it, I finally saw the FUCKING MOLD growing on the damn thing, that I'd apparently missed for I don't know how long! (It was in a crack - despite my reliance on routine for health and cleanliness while I'm feeling out of it, it was not enough)
So. Glass cutting board it is. One I can stick in the dishwasher in water too hot for even my hands to stand.
Meanwhile: Self recrimination, start your engines.
ETA: So apparently when I was washing it w/ a brush under hot water, the seams inbetween the layers began to separate - which I didn't notice as I was looking at it head on, not sideways. I'm going to guess if my other cutting board is made out of bamboo, it's not made the same way at all. Beginning to think it's a more solid wood somehow, though.
... I just got a call from my INSURANCE who's been sicced on me by said Doctor and Clinic Office for missing appointments. I don't know how I can even miss appointments when they won't let me MAKE appointments except the day of. I can't even. CAN NOT EVEN! It's upset my stomach and stressed my day and just ... yeah. New doctors, possibly new insurance. I can't. even!
And my therapist spent yesterday pondering if I need to inform any doctors I deal with about my pain issues and mental health issues and how that affects things. But the doctors at the clinic that HE is a part of, have access to my ENTIRE FILE! They just, apparently, don't give enough of a fuck to check it and see how what mental health things their patient has might affect .... anything.
My DIE IN A FIRE towards my local western medical community - you cannot even imagine. CANNOT EVEN IMAGINE!
I am a queer, WoC, of Caribbean Heritage, who is neuro-atypical and a survivor. I exist. People have met me. I have met them. They exist. Last I checked Zvi_Likes_Tv was NOT a middle aged hetero white guy (I only mention my Boston Wife, cause I can handle her smacking me for insisting she exists, I won't insist other peeps exist w/o their permission). Also last time I checked the mirror I was not a middle aged hetero white guy. Y'know, just in case someone gets it into their head that the seeming diversity from straight, white, hetero, cis, white guys on the internet are all just pretend, all just default white hetero cis white people who're currently able bodied and/or disability free 'pretending' to make the world more diverse and different. NOPE. Not the case.
PS: There are other identifying aspects of myself I've likely forgot - because I don't go around all day long thinking about just how 'different' or 'unique' I am compared to the particular 'default' most people (of a type) assume.
At the library? Who has issues with me waiting my turn at the side and not going through the turnstile? Well she'd looked at a book I had, and put it UNDER the desk, aka under where the computer and keyboard are. At the time I hadn't thought -too- much about it, except to wonder why she hadn't put the other interlibrary loan books there too. Well THAT book is MISSING. I distinctly remember it, white with a green band at the bottom. An allergy book for kids and food which turned out not to suit my needs. This, way back in April. Well... here it is fricking MAY and the book is in the system as belonging to me and being with me, despite the fact I turned it in.
Just called the Central Library, told them what was up. They're going to call me back. But I'm getting ready to leave the house in a bit for therapy so I don't know. Not looking too forward to being out of touch. Not looking too forward to possibly strolling back to that place with Ms. Unpleasantness and asking 'Where the hell is my book?'
Except that might not do any good - just got the phone-call back (Shirley) and it's going to take a couple DAYS for them to check and see where the heck this book is. And yeah, now I'm upset. I'm told that any fees accrued will be dismissed once the book is found. But geeze damn stomach-stab - wtf is that woman at that local branch playing at? How will this affect my ability to continue to borrow books? Is there a notation being made? I'll have to ask when I'm there that a notation IS made, cause eff, damn, stomach-stab.
Paranoia and the realization I do a lot of processing on twitter, has led me to ask - does anyone have a NON COMMERCIAL port from Twitter to an LJ or DW style journal? I've done the attempt to pull it all into a file, and I've tried to save it as a feed to my desktop, but I do miss the ability, like I have with my journal, to search easily and find notes. Twitter should really just charge a fee to let people port everything already - unless the big secret is that it's all lost.
In other news; cleaned out the basket by the front door, cleaned out some boxes from the move, took out some trash, washed a coat, put away some cds and finally figured out how to watch movies on the dvd/vcr w/o having to get up and manually switch cords. Oh yes, also made a grocery list for a different grocery store than I usually use. Considering strolling to check the place out tomorrow. But I really, REALLY wish I had a reliable, non painful, public transportation kind, carry all to use for shopping.
I am seriously considering a baby stroller at this rate. Because it feels like they're less likely to break down after just one usage. On the other hand, I'd probably have to take everything out just to use the bus. Damn. Still, everything else is weak made, wheels liable to just fall the eff off, or disintegrate. I found some lovely baskets - but they seem aimed at people who have cars. I'm left going 'It's beautiful and practical - if I didn't walk with a cane to bus stops. So that even if I took a special day just for groceries, I'd still wear myself out.
Ahh hah, just found something else that seems perfect. But apparently it's Industry level and costs 325$ for 1. I'm here talking myself into perhaps possibly spending 80$ on something that will make my life easier, so I can shop from more places and have more freedom than just deliveries (especially that delivery mistakes and carelessness now could be a known factor in my health and OMG the trouble with substitutions and paying for delivery of stuff w/o substitutions and getting maybe $30 worth of groceries. This has happened).
All these carts seem to be for laundry and light stuff; clothes shopping, or houseware shopping. NOT heavy groceries.
( More Venting Here )
Have also! By the way, washed my beloved Bridgette and discovered that she may not be able to leap back into surface because dirt was holding a tear together. And am now washing my other bag. I sigh, I'm doing a lot of sighing.
* I am fed up with teenagers who want to be 'normal' and have 'normal lives' even though they have varied above normal abilities
* I am fed up with 'just a normal/ordinary/every day' boy or girl description of the protagonist in summary, and protagonist of course is white, middle class and usually blonde.
* I am fed up with reading 'Until/And Then/But....; The eye poppingly hot/studly seductive/ seriously sexy/sizzling/hunky or some other OMG BE JEALOUS intro description of, usually but not always, the male in a book summary. It makes me forget I like romance. Cause I do. I like reading about characters getting to know one another better, and finding similarities in points of view and politics and family life etc, and growing closer and emotions running deeper.
The superficial trophy significant other due to looks, power, etc... UGH. SO MUCH DAMN UGH.
* I am tired of torture porn and gore in thrillers parading as mysteries. I do not have a serial killer fetish. I am tired of serial killer this and serial killer that.
*(Spoiler Blanked / Somewhat Triggery) If your book is a romance, even a historical gay romance? I don't need on page 3 to be reading about 'And then I sodomized him' followed by descriptions of pain and someone's overwhelming lust despite their partner's discomfort. Even as a memory!
Things that cannot be controlled - all the prexisting books of cis, hetero, male fantasy wishfulfilmen, where some barbarian/young man/whatever has to save the day, or at least is village, while growing into or showing off his already 'mighty thews' blah blah blah, with extra inborn nobility/political savvy/etc... blah blah.
Sigh. I have other complaints, but right now, while in pain, and wanting comfort, I once again sought out books and stories. And once again my soul cried out NO! I've been all twitchy about anime too (and anime is where I go when Euro/US tv makes me want to claw at my poor skull).
I loathe inconsiderate people. My whole day was lost, because near 8am, someone decided to shout / carry on in front of my building. That set off a panic attack, so alarming, my fingers swelled up from the adrenal rush and I had to take my ring off before it got stuck or cut off bloodflow. I've sent ALL DAMN DAY - trying to go back to sleep, rest, calm down. Darn near missed my mail carry-package-pickup. Still having damn spasms.
The Live Action - Last Airbender Manga Is Here. Put On Some Shades. It's
Busy Hating Paramount AND White People.
Guess it's a good thing I just bought some books. Cause Paramount sure does own a lot of movie & tv interests.
1. Log on to DW.
2. See this post on scans_daily (warning: for hate crime/assault recitation).
3. Ban ever scum sucking, bacteria fornicating excuse for a human being having a stinking pissy fit over being called on Transphobia / over the mods of a community going 'Nuh uh, that shit ain't happening in THIS comm'.
Warning: Tone argument everywhere. Demands for education and hand holding. Copious derailing.
I've begun to seriously roll my eyes at it all, cause it's like recognizing a stench. It doesn't matter what ism it is, the derailing and willful clueless comes from the same outlet of fail; somehow mass produced and personally delivered to these individuals.
And yes, I am so pissed off I'm xposting from DW using this account, to ensure this gets seen.
ETA: Screw this shit - you don't have to go look & put yourself through that. And also I have vids auto blocked but others might not. And there is a vid.
Here are the cowards, the 'it's too hard to try', the 'but my fee fees need gentle talking', the 'you're showing favouritism to transexuals', the 'but any legitimate disagreement gets labeled derailing!', the 'was this really the place for this?', the 'this is nothing but a flame war the mods escalated', the 'but where is the education & hand holding?', the 'you took the wrong tack and got angry', the, 'where's the carrot to make being a decent human being worth my while?!', the, this whole situation has been handled uppity.
blakeyrat, icon_uk, theanswer, parusmajor, proteus_lives, lakrids404, nagaoka, supergirl, curlyjo1, bj_l, rainspirit, kashmirkong, cmic, foxhack, bolava, zemo, ar_feiniel, baconface, thankyoukindly, mystery.
:: Names still being added as they are spotted or linked to ::
Another black child, another set of foolishness. Teacher cut her braid off, cause teacher was annoyed girl was playing with her hair in class. 7 year old child. Teacher? Gets $175 fine. DA refuses to go forward with charges.
School board says: Teacher was upset because of budget cuts.
I am -done- with the American Public School System.
D. O. N. E.
It's not just this, it's autistic children being voted out of class, and other children with neurlogical disorders being suffocated to death by teachers attempting to get them to 'behave'. It's calling traditional African hairstyles - distractions. It's calling traditional First Nations hairstyles - distractions. It's -fining- families ridiculous amounts of money because their kids are 5 minutes late.
D. O. N. E.
And that's without dealing with Texas.
It is late. I am in pain, would like to sleep but can't. And something flits across my surf of the internet and turns into one of those last straws.
Here's the deal, the next time someone says "It's not like I'm a Nazi wanting to exterminate the Jews / It's not like I'm a KKK member / It's not like I'm __ insert whatever extreme hate group they want to use to benchmark their own isms__"; the next time someone says something like that? I suggest your reply be this.
"Yeah, it's not like an abusive spouse is a serial murderer; it's not like a violent cop is Josef Mengele; it's not like a school yard bully is someone who abuses and kills dogs!"
Cause what they're doing is another form of Oppression Olympics. Only the competitors are the actual oppressors. And they believe they or whomever they're defending didn't even get the bronze; so why are you even saying anything? So it's a good idea, to at least state publicly what the fuck it is they're doing with their twisted logic.
"It's a Halloween costume, is not like someone kidnapped you and placed you in a living SAW movie." Is someone who is not you, trying to measure your pain, heartache, discomfort and rage. And y'know, doctors can't even do that shit. That's why they came up with the frigging PAIN SCALE (it is a clearer way of taking the patient's word for it). So a non medically trained person definitely needs to SHUT. THE FUCK. UP. And if they are medically trained, they do not deserve their licence.
And before someone comes and tells me how white people/ straight people/cis people/able bodied have pain too; Y'know what? a) I don't care and b) not like in my (or your) head they don't. They don't feel the personalized, history compounding experience that is mental scar tissue on me or you.*
Cause again? Benchmarking? IS IGNORANT.
The fibromyalgia having individual, does not compare his or hir or her discomfort to the chemotherapy cancer patient. The person with the broken leg, does not compare themselves to the person who had to have invasive surgery. When physical pains are understood at least part of the time as individual and unique in both circumstance and person it is pure willful ignorance to think psychological pain doesn't as well.
[Current pain due to lack of social justice: immeasurable]
* This statement is about what they lack to assess things. A lack that often has them deciding on what is or is not painful based on what they feel, all cocooned in the cottonwool of said lack.
My little thoughts on performance of gender, possible owning of desire and how that might be playing out in the Twilight Series thus that it attracts teen female fans - has been picked up round and about and also on LJ's Meta-fandom and I've had two idiotic comments.
One telling me that Jacob was the nice safe boy and that couldn't possibly be racist. And another blubbering something about motherhood and hateful single feminists.
Y'know, Meta-fandom should probably do whiney privileged white women (and other malcontents) the favour of letting them know their ignorance is not going to be appreciated at the linked site.
Two comments of shite is more than my blood pressure needs to handle.
Actually it's three. The first commenter claimed to disagree with me, then agreed with everything I said and started talking about points not under the topic of discussion. It was either a poor attempt at a strawman, or a serious inability in the process of analytical thinking.
ETA: And the race comment and the 'you single feminist bitch' comment are BOTH from 18.104.22.168, if your LJ really is bicrim.livejournal.com you sure aren't classy. I'd say New Jersey sure can grow 'em - but I know cool people from New Jersey and everything has aberrations. And who knows, it might be a mask.
Day so far.
1. Get up, read flist, see the word 'remix' and have it actually log into my brain.
2. Go to Zvi's website, can't find anything, remember she moved it all to AO3.
3. Go to AO3 thinking to peruse the list and see if there's the slightest thing I might be able to handle to remix for her for traditions and love's sake and as a round about 'we're cool now'.
4. Run smack into 'Choose Not To Warn' and realize I cannot read a single one of her fics in order to remix anything for her the way I have in the past.
5. Get upset and angrier; at Zvi, and at circumstances. (Though really she made a decision to choose not to warn, that that affects an aspect of our relationship is secondary. )
6. Get triggered by my own anger at feeling this upset over someone I consider(ed) close.
7. Give up completely on a DW reading list. Say 'Suck it World. Suck it Zvi!' and go find something soothing to watch/rewatch. Hopefully with breakfast.
Judges Sentence Teenagers To Detention Centers For Kickbacks. While this makes a good movie of the week, or even a possible plotline in some future novel (or an episode of Batman Beyond) - WHAT THE FUCK???
I don't care about the races of the teenagers sent for extended time to these centers. I care about the injustice of such an occurrence and the corruption of the city. WTF? Is the whole damn country of America simply nothing but GOTHAM BEFORE BATMAN???!!!!
ETA: Apparently this has been in the news for days. I've apparently missed it because I've been dealing with exhaustion issues. I'm still filled with WTF though. Serious, WTF??!!!
Was it Pennsylvania or Massachusetts that did something similar with private agencies for those with certain mental disabilities or behavioral disabilities. I can't remember now. But I know it involved backpacks that gave 'mild electrocution' to the varied inmates.