 |
|
So...
Figured out why I was so drained and depressed last night. My littlest brother's called me every night this week to chat and I could hear the house mess in the background behind him. That added to my dislike of the phone and not really being all that chatty on a daily basis (it's a spoon thing) likely led to low energy, drained feelings and emotions -> la la la depression.
Mentioned this to my mom to ask her to get him to email me. But she pointed out that he doesn't get much attention from his other siblings because they're teenagers and he's not. And despite my 'omfg' of last night concerning his animals, he got up on his own this morning, and fed them all and watered them all and cleaned the bird cage and took his dog out to do his business. And apparently told mom that I had put him on a schedule.
I definitely need to figure out now, how to balance my introvertedness and spoon juggling with positive effects of my presence on littlest brother who's all 'I haz a sister and she luuuuuubs me.'
3 Comments | Post A Comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Link
 |
|
Headache and dizzy. But Zvi's still coming over. We might have to go shopping tomorrow so I can get a dvd player. I'm fairly certain the el cheapo one I have broke - and they don't make it anymore. Apparently Cyberhome had been making them without the right licences etc. I have no idea where/who else has a $30 dvd player that does all region with a simple press of a button.
It's money I hadn't intended to spend this month. But it'll be more than worth it - even if I end up buying something from like Best Buy or Circuit City or something. Because the ability to curl up on my futon and enjoy familiar movies is extremely important when I'm in pain.
In other news at some point I want to discuss Nickolodeon's Three Delivery. I saw it this morning and WTF is up with the crappy animation style? It looks very cheap and the whole thing about 'Kung Fu Asian Teenagers Fighting China Town's Evil' is so OTHERING. Maybe I'm just not seeing it properly since I already felt so bad. But cripes. And Nickolodeon did so well with Avatar: The Last Airbender. One would think someone executive would go 'This (3 delivery) is extremely not like that (A:TLAB) and we don't mean plot'.
Heck, even American Dragon seems better thought through.
Oh! On the complaining front. I feel like crap cause there are thunder storms hovering. I felt a little better this morning after one broke but I can feel there's more on the way. A little research before bed reminded me there is a correlation. And I think I'm finally ready to admit I prefer winter; at least in terms of my ability to be active and functional. I've gotten more done in winter than summer - summer involves heat, humidity (which wasn't a problem in my youth - tropical girl- but a couple decades of global warning can make all the damn difference) with fluctuations om barometric pressure.
I've heard Hawaii is fairly weather constant so there's less pain there - so said by others who have the same problem. But I can't exactly just pick up and move to Hawaii. So I'm really going to need to get the right books and insights into how to live a slowed down life. Because I suppose the plus side is that I do actually want to do things now, which is mental health progress. But it's running smack into the physical reality that I can't just do things - I need to plan and accept that pain will cause delays and just -whoa.
Post A Comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Link
 |
|
Did my phone and online errands. Now my intestines want to leap out of my body and go somewhere warm and vacation. There was panic over nothing. The bank is not keeping an accurate record of my bill payments. I need to pay directly through the utilities sites online.
Also even though all the housing authorities letters come with the same crest - it's not at all the same department. Ahh the things I overlook.
Now to see if I want to get up and go to an appt I don't strictly need on Monday.
Considering the now going on 5 days worth of fog and the actual rain happening today and likely tomorrow, I'm not sure I have the impetus for that.
My plans for the weekend include washing dishes, throwing out garbage and possibly doing some laundry. Though I do want to wash my hair and after that I may not be able to do everything.
I'm still recovering from last week's doctor's appointment. It shook up a lot of things in my head that I don't feel comfortable discussing (not even with my therapist) but I have to admit is there and is affecting my mood.
Watching the ceiling to see if it leaks today and dealing with the a/c guy when he shows up, might likely use up the last of my stamina.
Spoons - I don't have enough given everything that's going on.
ETA: I'm now Willow over at Scribblit! So I guess 'purdifying' up that space can be a happy thing for the weekend.
1 Comment | Post A Comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Link
Therapy wiped me out. Mostly because I didn't want to go and actually didn't go - my body got dragged cause Troupe Little Ones took over.
So tired I've gone past feeling sleepy and I'm into drooling staring at the wall.
PS: Tomorrow I have phone calls to make and who knows what other catching up re: official authorities, paperwork, bill paying. I feel right now that once I get those done tomorrow, I'll pass out.
Post A Comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Link
I'm currently too exhausted to go looking for or making icons. But given my personal socialist leanings and my status a writer/to-be-published, hell yeah, I support the WGA Strike.
I've stopped watching the tv set, but catch up with every show I care to watch via the webcasts. I will now stop watching cause I had no idea when I was being blared ads that the writers weren't getting a piece of that. Even Netflix has gone on-demand. And speaking of Netflix, the new model of tv watching , where people buy a season and crunch it all in their own time, has already been commented on in news media - the writers are getting shafted there too. I had no idea.
The Future Is Here.
Pay The Writers What They're Due.PS: Nickelodeon Goes 40's Hollywood Mafia BadAss On Animation Writers. This was back in 2001. I love Avatar: The Last Airbender, but hell if I'm ever watching Nickelodeon again. I love animation. I love animation more than comics. I just... grrrah. GRRAAAAHGROWL I say.
4 Comments | Post A Comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Link
 |
|
My mother is at it again. I've got housing information in my inbox. Considering therapy yesterday was all about how I need to find equilibrium because I've had nothing but 18 months of stress since the original move from the House of Three Years to the House of F*cking Doom and now I'm still having to scrape up fight for things to be fixed in the 'Supposedly Brand New Apt'....
I can't concentrate enough to reply to my mother properly. I sent her back a question mark because the house needs oil heat.
I'm just...
I'm still trying to remember and absorb yesterday's therapy session. Most important of which is the mantra:
'Just because I am physically or intellectually capable of something, does not mean that I have or even want to do it.'
How many times have I worn myself out instead of taking an easier route and saving my energy for what I really do want to do. Considering I have limited spoons it would seem to make sense to save my energy for specifics. And yet I end up feelign as if I'm incredible lazy, stupid and a whole bunch of other negative connotations for not utilizing my own personal ability to do something.
I gave myself a pass on the construction of the blog for the PoC SciFi Carnival because of the move and the obvious, blaring, fact of both limited time and energy on my part. If I wanted the Carnival to happen at all, I would simply not be able to do everything from scratch.
( From Scratch )
5 Comments | Post A Comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Link
 |
|
Damn it.
There were some good hours yesterday/last night/early this morning. And then it was like being a rat in a maze. Couldn't think. Couldn't breathe. Jittery. Anxious. Paranoid. Agoraphobic to an extreme.
I know intellectually that this is a rough patch. I know intellectually that I'm crashing and this is how it happens. I know intellectually that this will pass and having even a few hours a day where I feel sane and happy and wanting to live is proof of this. I know intellectually that five minutes on things works - even if I have to choose unpacking or cooking a meal.
But damn it there's so much I want to do. And when I reach to do them there's no more energy or cognitive function left or I'm scraping the bottle of the barrel, rattling around in crazy land, echoes in my head of irrational things that I know aren't true but are none the less scary.
Mental illness sucks and sucks and sucks. Depression sucks. Fibro sucks. The combination truly sucks. Wanting things sucks. Having goals sucks.
This is not quite the deep desperate numbing depression of last week for which I am profoundly grateful to the universe. It is instead, however, bad in it's own way as I tooth and claw my way towards the upswing in this parabola.
I have reached the stage of wanting to cry for no reason I can as yet process.
I loathe this stage.
ETA: Everytime I read my flist and I see that other people don't want to wash the dishes or are tired/exhausted/cranky/hot/grumpy and their meds ran out and their back aches and the car needs gas and the panic attack came out of the blue and they snapped their toe on the sidewalk I feel less and less like I'm some freak who just can't get her life to work right like everyone else; less like I'm the brown Raggedy Anne in a world full of coiffed fashion dolls. LJ is an ass, but I will not forget that for the past 5 yrs it has helped me understand that there are aspects of life that simply and frankly blow, everyone faces them, people understand and it makes us all human.
Post A Comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Link
 |
|
The one major downside about living alone when dealing with a major depressive episode is that there's no one to drag you out of the house to get something to eat or to see a movie or to buy you chocolate.
I have to remember to attempt to do these things for myself.
Earlier this year, when I'd first moved into 'the new apt' I did remember. But I don't think those were depression so much as general exhaustion and anti-socialness. Plus I have the glim recollection that the change of the seasons seriously messes with my head and the past three or four days have been overcast, foggy and rainy without the counter of bright colourful leaves.
I've made notes to put chocolate in my grocery list, along side some diy pizza stuff (since being on the West Side apparently means no Pappa John's and I can't find fliers to anywhere local.)
I slept for 12 hours - from 6pm to 6am. I didn't go to therapy because I just didn't give a damn or have the energy to do more than get up and pee. I slowly started to feel better around three or so in the afternoon - thank goodness for friends who get that you can't talk, but you might just be able to rp something suitably mindless.
OTOH I feel guilty for slightly neglecting another RP situation. It's important and fun but unfortunately I don't feel like I know the people there well enough to just bein 'crazy' around them the way I've been the last few days.
I'm proud of myself for mostly remembering / making myself eat. At least one meal a day. And nibbling crackers and peanut butter when I couldn't manage anything else besides that one meal.
I miss Photoshop. I can't find my copy. And making icons and other art has always been soothing.
I have things I need to do and yet I cannot do them. I'm too effing tired from all the running around (and continued - wtf is going on with the a/c, blah blah blah). I think I'm dealing the with a crushing sense of disappointment, and kick back exhaustion from pushing myself earlier this year. Getting the apt did NOT result in me just being able to crash and unpack and rest.
And then there's LJ - this making me feel homeless online. IJ feels so temporary. And scribblit won't be up until the end of the year. And my brain's not thinking well enough about alternatives though I did try to research them.
Also watching LOTR is making me cry.
Up next; Batman Begins and I'll hunt down Ghost Rider online, since it makes me smile.
Not so randomly: I miss my former roommate. She gives good 'cheer up' hugs.
ETA/PS: I saw pics of Bento Boxes (with and without lunches) two or so days ago. And they were so beautiful and yummy looking. And I hit this brick wall of realizing that I just don't have the energy to do that. ( There's all this memory... )
2 Comments | Post A Comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Link
|
|
|
|
|
drained
exhausted
struggling