I know you want very much for everything that's painful for us, to be the fault of food; that we stop eating the food, and everything gets better. But I think we need to face the possibility - it ain't necessarily so. Yes, we feel so much better. Yes, our face is clearing up, our skin is looking healthier, and our eyes and even, we think, our teeth. Yes, we've lost weight w/o triggering ourselves and we have more energy now (which helps us make the food we need to make). But, fibromyalgia might not just 'disappear'. There are other factors. There's our thyroid, there's thyroid medications (to fight for) and tests (to deal w/ and fight about) etc, supplements to take (and remember to take), etc...
And even then. Even, then. We may still have days, where pain creeps up on us, and we burst into tears and worry about misplaced/lost/unprocessed depression only to realize, hey, barometer is WAY over 29, and yup, there's pain. It's possible that even at our very healthiest (in the future), our bodies are now so used to noticing certain things, that, we'll notice them. Our bodies are water and affected by barometric pressures.
On the plus side; way over 30, is a lot better than 28 and up equals tears. It's hard to remember now, but today, last year, might have been a; can't get on the computer, can't cook for myself, order out food, curl in a ball, feel sick and depressed day. Instead, today, current time - we've made two meals for the day already, managed some chores, and yes, even if we end up staying in, even if we're in tears, even if the pain is bad. We're not confined to bed. We're not as limited as we once were. We can get up and make the bed in the mornings.
And spend the next little while adjusting to having limitations, while being grateful for how much more we can do.
Lots of love,
I went back to using Google Images (encrypted this time, however), instead of BING, because you can't spit, but bing wants to show you naked pictures. And when the most innocuous things shows you porn, penis and beastiality (something something, puppies, something smething ponies), then going back to a place for images that won't show me porn/as me to turn off the filter cause asian models/asian women = porn, is the right sensible thing to do.
Finished off the milk chocolate just now. Have the beginnings of the migraine that had been gone when I woke up today and a prickly paining stomach. I'm not sure I challenged with dairy before. I think I just took it as a yes and now, well, there's been a challenge. I hadn't wanted to challenge with gluten, no matter how often I dream of gluten filled things - cause, ow. And this current ow? This odd throbbing, prickly stomach ache? It's no joke and no fun. But I think I have figured out the aspect of milk chocolate I like; it's tempered. Cooking chocolate is NOT tempered and thus lack of smoothness has been distracting me from enjoyment. So, perhaps I really should try green and black's dark chocolate or similar and see what happens in terms of my enjoyment - given I've experiences to compare now and yeah, milk anything? That's one 'but maybe' that's solved.
There might be no 'official medical diagnoses' but I've read enough about celiac to know many are cross-reactive with dairy and well, look at me, being cross reactive with dairy. If I break out in the itches later tonight too? That'll put the pin in it. And hopefully stop the mumbles in the back of my mind about 'But maybe we're better now'. **pats the small mumblers**
Huh, this seriously explains why I enjoyed ganache though. Cream. Le sigh, le owie sigh. Ow, seriously, just in writing this my stomach's begun to complain even more.
ETA: Possibly psychosomatic itches. Ugh. (5:50pm)
Important: Skin peeling on wrist may not just be sulfate allergy in dish soap, may also be coconut dermitis. Dr. Bronners thus may also be affecting scalp health. 7th Generation = sulfate + coconut oil. Method = sulfate + coconut oil. Drop them all, see what happens.
Emotionally Alluring != Sexually Attractive/ Sexual Attraction? I mean, well DUH now. But not, DUH last month or last year or 5 years ago. Instead of DUH, it was me thinking 1)everyone goes 'ooh wouldn't they be interesting to know', 2) but with more energy into all that honk honk, hubba hubba performance hoopla. Now I'm all 'Oops, s'not a performance exactly? It's somehow innate?'
Brown Rice: in myriad forms, does crust my eyes over the morning after, may induce itchies and possibly contributes to depression the morning after. Will I check with plain white rice? Decision currently unknown.
Movies: I did enjoy Attack The Block. I did not enjoy the volume. I spent much of the movie feeling accosted by the noise. It made listening through the accents difficult. Everytime I thought I was hearing people's words and started to relax, the music or atmospheric sound would swell, the speakers would get all 'happy' and I'd end up with my fingers over my ears, or trying to cover my ears with my shoulders (hunching down) and it was ugh. So I like independent theaters, I especially like the old fashioned large ones with curtains to swing back before the show begins, but I loathe the volume. I've noticed this before and somehow forget it. But it was so uncomfortable, now. I did wonder how everyone else wasn't feeling assaulted by sound waves.
2009: Random: Loneliness
2010: Not Rushing To Either Sex or Climax
2011: Chewing On Thoughts
2011: Vulnerability, Sexuality, Sensuality: Or Things That Have Made Me Feel Like A Freak (aka
DemisexualDemiromantic Is A Word)
Note to self: REREAD YOUR JOURNAL. Apparently you try to tell yourself things and then totally forget them/ they sink beneath the waves of psyche. I can't believe I forgot 'psychic road rash'. How do you forget such a phrase?
Next thing I know, I'll find things from 2009 and further back. Really, how long have I been hopscotching towards a vocabulary?
ETA: 2009 link (w/ Elynross)
I have these labels in my head, attached to scales. It's about 'how disabled am I'. And tonight, I just realized, I may need to use a cane indoors(eta: 4 yrs use outdoors). And that's apparently one step closer to something in my scale and one step further from able bodied (possibly also healthy or healthier). And I'm looking up canes, so I can tell my doctor(s) exactly what I need. Last time, never having used a cane before, I had no clue and took what they gave me. This time, I'd like something that hurts my shoulders less, etc..etc.. So. Reasearch. And crying. Yup, crying.
So far, 'The Strong Arm' cane, which isn't quite a cuff cane/crutch, isn't quite a mobility cane, looks interesting. But when they say pressure on forearm rather than wrist - I wish I knew what that meant. I feel the pressure in my arms/shoulders. On bad days, moving my wrist hurts and I have to ignore it to use the cane when I'm going somewhere, and I worry about if my fingers will hold the grip.
So does that mean Palm Grip? And what the heck is Fisher grip? Is it another term for Palm Grip? And I definitely need an Offset 'Swan Neck' - which is what I have now and feels very different from the non offset that's in Pharmacies (the feel of which drove me to think ordering through a doctor had to get me something better).
I've also wanted a 'pretty' cane for a long, long time. Just something funky and well, it's my most obviously seen accessory. But I've worried and worried so much about someone thinking if it's pretty - then I don't need it. Instead of it being a fashionable need.
Hah. Something called 'CrutchSkins' is now shutdown. I'll find the energy another time to pursue prettying up the one I have in elegant black and white.
Now to stop telling myself I'm a wing clipped bird. I feel it. But it's not true. I feel clipped. Maybe I need to just sit and deal with that for a while.
ETA: The heavy, unsteady, w/ pain that keeps me from getting up to cook - helped by cane?
Inspired by comments (and some occasional thoughts of my own) revolving around the Foreigner series; somewhat triggered by 'The Sentinel' thoughts - about the privilege and ethnocentrism (does anyone use that instead of racism?) of the phrase. I'm left thinking that getting as close and inside a culture to understand as much as possible how the other side thinks IS possibly the best 'anthropology' - except as practiced by privileged old white guys for ages, that meant stepping down from a place of observational judgement against standards of one's own society making it truly impossible to evaluate another culture for itself. (More thoughts later, expand possibly? Hunt for links and sources - yes)
2ESW27 - Deep Blue, 4 door. Loud noise; cussing out when discussing loud noise. And the lovely non-emergency police operator suggsted I just call, and didn't even get the plate number; because people will shot and hurt you - over their CARS. Y'know, my dislike of humanity just grows and grows.
This scares me. Growing older (more experience - does that mean wiser?) shouldn't make me dislike my fellow human beings MORE - should it? Was I really just naieve as a child, thinking rationality and sensibility would play out? Or is it cultural - like people who think talking softly and wanting compromise makes you weak - especially is one is male.
No peanuts for at least a week - see if eyes get better. Though if my sudden eye problems, come from me starting to use peanuts as a snack to help with the lack of certain carbs etc and the 3.5 hours till hunger - I just... Well of course I'll stop. But this sudden sequence of being allergic to every damn thing - what IS it? And also, uhm, who wants a 3lb countainer of honey roasted peanuts?
But minor search engine looking says eye issues + peanuts is WELL within possibility. So, I sigh. I sigh a lot. Especially since they bring up -extra- photophobia and I'm ALREADY extremely light sensitive w/o my eyes becoming even more irritated by light.
No more dairy.
No. More. Dairy. Sweet jumping pepper shrikes, my stomach wants to beat me with a cricket bat. NO MORE DAIRY. I realize you will pout. But pouting and foot stomping and being mad is MUCH better than wanting to rip my stomach open to cleanse it of the white poison.
Still up cause pain's a bitch an a half.
1): Game of Thrones: Tv Series. My reaction. "Wow, that's a lot of half naked brown women publicly fornicated and acting all animalistic with some particular dance moves and the big, tall brown buck doesn't speak the language and there is his very frightened precious white woman. Alrighty then" Not that I hadn't attempted to read the book several years ago and didn't already know this. But to see as well. I have mentioned before yes, that I had trouble getting through the book? I may write more about why some other time soon (it may well be a general fantasy thing - hint: the trials of resource distribution of angsty white people, just might bore me.).
2) Landlady visit was less stressful than I expected, even while talking myself into remembering it's mostly less stressful than I imagine. But still recovering and full of pain and head space dealing.
3) Cleaners show up this week. Angry nasty lady next week. I think I might be something of a mess.
4) I think I really really loathed easter brisket/corned beef. It's either too salty, or I get the cheap ones that I can afford which are really nothing but fat. Note to self: don't waste the money.
If you eat rice again, I will beat you. Send back ALL the rice and what you can't send back - hide, and throw away any dregs if you bloody have to, because IT DOES NOT AGREE WITH YOU. It makes you feel swollen and overly full and crampy and uncomfortable and a little digestion burny.
I know you think it can't possible be WORSE for us than potatoes of all things (and the books that say sweet potatoes are better still) but apparently THAT IS THE CASE. And continuing to hurt oursevles isn't doing us any good at all. So yes, while it feels impossible and wrong and unfair - NO. MORE. RICE.
This is new. Shoulder pain, spasm, then a feeling like it wants to slip loose. But I am not experiencing my other usual -external- systems of extreme stress. It feels like weather related joint pain with a new spin.
If I want a good set of sleep, I NEED to use the earplugs, otherwise I spend the entire time I'm sleeping, cringing and curled up against every bit of noise etc from upstairs and wake up NOT refreshed and also extremely sore and tense.
So yeah, another day lost. But I think I have a clue now as to the non pharma reasons behind my sleep schedule problems. Seriously I know now, considering I put the ear plugs in half way through and I feel more rested and relaxed than I have in days. If I was being that hyper-vigilant in my sleep, no wonder I was also staying awake until the sun rose. That's bound to make sleeping LESS alarming than hearing thuds and bumps and noise in my sleep at NIGHT.
I am in no position to move, but DAMN, yeah, this situation is no longer 'long term' for me. As long as that woman with her high heels and clogs and children are making noise about my head, I've got two years to be well enough and save up enough to move. Cause damn.
|09:14AM | Wed, September 1st | 2010
|Once Upon A Time There Was A Thing Called Privacy. No Really!
|.ijay, note to self, wtf!|
Note to self: http://zulu.dreamwidth.org/508418.html Quite possibly no longer commenting on LJ. Look into this when I wake up. (Going to try and sleep again for the
upteenth third time tonight (this morning?)
- Medical Errand
- Returned books to library
- Picked up some light groceries
It all involved some walking. Maybe at most a mile. Found myself conking out around 8:30 last night. Woke up at 9 to drag myself to bed. Woke up only feeling sleep satisfied near 10am today. And I'm still in 'rest & recover' mode. Undoubted the heat had something to do with it, and possibly my thyroid (I was so out of it, I missed an iodine dosage yesterday before I left the house, didn't even take water with me)- but I have no doubt that the footsteps above and anxiety caused contributed as well - given how it messed up my sleeping.
So it hits me today, as I'm struggling despite my high energy - after two failed/dropped conversations with my mother - that I'm dealing with a fuckload of depression. And my mother calling and leaning on me is just not fucking helping. And despite the huge relief I had re: health and her help, I've actually been recovering from my visit (Just because something wasn't as exhausting as I thought it would be, doesn't mean it wasn't exhausting as all). And I've realized I cannot talk to my mother at all when she's shouting at my sibs, or fretting about stuff, and there's confusion in the background and the dog is barking and people keep interrupting or she goes off into a rant.
I just can't.
It's too fucking much.
And on top of that, trying to keep track of the money she sends me to buy stuff for her has become a hassle because she's buying MORE. This is more than just keeping track of an automatic payment. And I'm staring at these open credit union account papers I downloaded since last year. And I wondered if it wasn't just easier to do what I got told (ONLY AFTER I HAD CLOSED THE DAMN ACCOUNT) and set up another account at Bank of America, and do the monthly transfer that waves fees.
EXCEPT I log into my BOA account and discover they started charging me maintence fees on my SAVINGS back in Feb (and of course I was obsessed with how to get up to visit my mom and have been recovering since, so I didn't see - didn't do my usual monthly log in. And now BOA has swallowed up $10. Seriously $10 is no chump change. It's grocery money. Cell phone money. I need to order delivery even if it makes me sick money. Treat myself to a cab money.
I got sent NO information about this new change in savings account status. And I'm so fucking pissed. But I also have no effing desire to go to the trouble of setting up a credit union account, only to once AGAIN have our monies cojoined and me with a book and a calculater trying to keep it all on track. And I have no idea how the hell direct deposit works (I just remember thinking it was complicated) - So there's a need for me to walk into a bank/credit union now and talk to someone. And that takes mental energy and ARGH.
But seriously BOA? You decide how much people must put into their savings account a month - or you'll TAKE some of their savings away? The fuck?
1) To be able to set up a new checking account somewhere that doesn't make me want to spork people in the eye ball.
2) Some kind of NOT paypal to hold my mom's spending money.
Hypothyroidism -> Nutrition Malabsorption -> Amino Acid Deficiency (leading to increased protien intake) + Essential Mineral Deficiency + Vitamin D Deficiency -> Fibromyalgia Symptoms (exhaustion, fatigue, sleep disorders, increased pain response/chronic pain, depression, fugue/fog in the brain/difficulty thinking concentration)
The thought that things have been bad, and getting worse for 2 years because my current PCP thought I was 'within specs' and didn't do a full panel of thyroid tests just infuriates me beyond words. My mom has me taking iodine while I'm here. It's SNOWED. 8 Inches. I'm walking about in something other than fleece, with my pain in the 4's and 5's despite the precipitation. I've had enough energy to keep up with my siblings. Granted my mother's making sure I get extra amino acids and minerals - but....
Fucking MEDS! The minute I agreed that making sure there was no organ damage was important and so I"d take something to ease symptoms - my doctor STOPPED LOOKING.
I need to find a new PCP. And I need to accept that my food budget's going to be stretched so I can buy things like iodine, and multi mineral pills. But maybe I'll be able to cut back on meat and only buy humanely butchered meats like I've wanted to.
But that's not the major thing on my mind. The major thing has been how much more tired and weaker I've felt. I've been thinking it was compounded stress/anxiety and not considering the anxiety and stressed feelings might be another symptom of what's wrong with me. Though even if it's probably both, how lost I felt all 2009 - the longest recovery period ever.
So many words, but none really in coherent order.
Stumbled over an article about Wikipedia from a greater mess of articles about Wikipedia. I can't quite remember how I ended up surfing there, but I wanted to note the article brings up something I discovered for myself.
Jason Scott, the article writer (
and I believe an original Wikipedia programmer), states plainly that energy is wasted, and interesting nuggets of information lost due to the easy access to edit and fiddle by anyone (including those without an account, only noted by IP addy, something I had not realized). Anyone can also include those with social capital in Wikipedia itslef, (often transferred into authority as an admin). And the end result is that people stop contributing content.
In my case I felt confused, crushed, angry and then walked away from an article that no one else had bothered to create; but where people felt it was suddenly necessary to rephrase my sentences and paragraphs, and correct my very British spelling as typos or mistakes. Then came others re-organizing the information I and someone else had hunted down.
A tv show is small potatoes compared to what else Wikipedia does and what I found out goes on with clashing philosophies or political points of view from climate change, to whether or not certain governors of certain tropical states have behaved continuously in a racist manner or have somehow earned themselves an out. But if something as small as a tv show had to be bullied about and contested and information re-arranged and sentences cut and the u's cut out because American spelling must dominate - how much more frustrating is it when it's experts in their fields being hand spanked and scolded by non-experts because there's a Wikipedia way and everything else. (And some of what I've found in my surfing has mentioned that Wikipedia cultivates an anti-elitism atmosphere with a distinct anti-respect towards experts.)
I still remember going to stare at my article, so happy I could contribute something about a tv show I'd loved and discovering that someone had marked it for deletion because I'd included either a screen shot or some official art I'd found. Apparently a screen shot isn't fair use, or something, if the fair use information is not laid out in a particular way or something else. It's all a blur of - but did they have to mark the WHOLE thing for deletion?
That dimmed the joy of one of the producers of the show finding the article and contacting me to correct info. That dimmed the joy of finding another fan interested in maintaining the page. The knowledge that someone could decide what I'd hunted down and spent hours researching and confirming could be deleted just like that. Yes, I'd saved the file, but still.
I did my best to sort it all out, but when it was over, it took about a year for me to look at the page again, and then I discovered even more sentence changes and rephrasing and words completely removed; my vocabulary erased. Looking at the site right now, I recognize nothing but some of the information. There's been things introduced that leave me shaking my head, especially considering how often I got smacked for not showing secondary sources.
That's how often a small potatoes page on Wikipedia gets edited.
That's how often even on a small potatoes page, editor favouritism happens.
I think I would have been better off putting up a fan page. And maybe if the initial wrestling on Wikipedia hadn't worn me out, I might have done. Maybe I still might, sometime in the future, when my show is no longer associated for me, with twitching disappointment.
That said, I'm thinking I might try Thesaurus.com for it bit. Or Britannia. And TV Tropes for my media needs.
Do. Not. Read. Boy's Love Fandom Thoughts On Rape In BL & Yaoi.
It's like a convention of Polanski fans.
( Memorable WTF Statements )
|09:44AM | Wed, October 28th | 2009
|Because There's A Poor Tax
|note to self|
Should still be sleeping, but my mother called over an email I exhaustedly typed to her last night about Bank of America Shenanigans. While talking to her I found my own notes and realized the reason I didn't go through with switching banks is because the plumber invasion happened and I'd been unable to think beyond the basics.
I'm not gonna rush around like crazy right now though because I'm exhausted and in pain and liable to make a mistake
But so far MECU looks viable - though it won't enable me to have a second account primarily for online transactions.
ETA: I appreciate that my mom -made- herself get off the phone, because she realized all she'd be doing is cussing about the state of things and I didn't need the stress. Unfortunately I still feel stressed that stuff happened because I wasn't in a place to stay on top of things. And now I can't go back to sleep because my stomach's in a knot.
|10:53PM | Wed, September 9th | 2009
|Letter To Myself
|note to self|
No seriously, remember Xena? Remember when you knew the names of all the episodes? When you first learned about Subtext and FanFic? Remember WOOSH? Remember when you wondered what a Xena Con / Convention might be liked? And wondered how people found out about it and got to go there? And what it might be like to meet the actors under those circumstances? Remember hearing stuff/reading stuff about how Kevin Smith was such naughty delicious fun?
Remember following up and agreeing with posted articles about THE RIFT? Remember BITTER SUITE and how much you loved it and analyzed it? Remember conversations about realistic depictions of the ancient world and Xena / HTLJ depictions? Remember 'When Hellmouths Collide'? Remember THE KISS and all the debating you got into with all the lesbians you knew about if it was Auctolycus or Xena?
Remember needing tape every episode to rematch later that week?
Remember hearing how a fanfic writer had become a script writer and wondering how that even happened? And still thinking it was kind of cool?
Remember soulmates and angels and visions and rending apart the tapestry of all life because the world was wrong with Xena for Gabrielle and vice versa? Remember baby Eve and co-mothering? Remember Ares just being sexy and intriguing as Heck and Hell and Hallelujah?
Remember how awed you felt that people came together to watch a show that was so corny and so beautiful at the same time?
I think you should.
If the protein powder is a good help for my protein needs, then there's the possibility I could do grassfed meat, if I only eat meat occasionally. I would like to try the soy citrus spare ribs - but I'm also wary of utilizing processed soy as a protein substitute.
Not just for cats.
Neurotransmitter, serotonin booster, central nervous system.
Look into this.