 |
|
Bank of America phishing email just scared the crap out of me. Luckily I always go to the actual website to login for anything like my bank account (or paypal when I had one). And there didn't seem to be any problem at all. In fact BoA wants me to make my login process even more secure. So I'm guessing they're aware of the newest attacks on their customers.
It did raise my anxiety levels by a lot though. Because I have actually had my bank card flagged for suspicious activity about two years ago when I moved. I don't buy gas. I haven't bought gas for all the years I've used BoA. I had to buy some twice in a row for the moving trucks (the high price threw me off for what was enough to fill it). And so my card stopped and I had to call in.
Made me scared I wouldn't have access for money to get where I need to get for Thanksgiving. But it's just a phishing scam. Fwded it to BoA abuse, and an anti phishing site and a gov address I found.
My pulse is still going though - cause damn that was scary.
1 Comment | Post A Comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Link
 |
|
In the past few hours something happened to do with commenting. Someone commented to me a day or so ago on a post I wrote for the PoC SF Carnival. And in their comment there was phrasing that led me to believe they were someone who had been reading my blog and had found my private journal where I hosted the essay.
This led to me assuming they were familiar with some of the imbroglios going on online, in Fandom, particularly in Supernatural fandom. Which meant that when I went to their journal and saw a breezy post that seemed to be equating the actor Brandom Jay McLure to being a black Jensen Ackles / a black Dead Winchester, I got very shocked and upset. Their original comment to me had been regarding Kimanu True, an imprint for black youth that had a book I'd found traumatizing to say the least and very graphic.
So to see something that didn't make clear at all that they were doing an ongoing personal comparison of similar features across ethnicities and grouped together globally but instead seemed to be contributing to the fetishization in fandom of black men - yeah, I was not cool. When I realized my mistake in comprehension I apologised. Though I also backed away from the conversation because the other party was supposed to be focused on something for deadline. And while how they choose to spend their time is their choice - personally I feel uncomfortable being an irritant, even in just the sense of discussion towards comprehension, when someone has other things on their mind.
I'm writing about this here because I just got an emailed comment from a friend of the original commenter that was full of 'How dare you' and 'How could you do this to my friend' and 'You are so mean' and 'Other people might/would give you a second chance'. And I really wouldn't have given it the time of day - friends will want to defend and protect their friends. It's a facet of friendship and caring for other people. However once sentence as I scanned the comment and rolled my eyes caught my attention. And when I just went back to c/p it I found the whole paragraph interesting.
What is so ironic here is I'm supposed to be impressed by you and the weight you so easily swing around, so very sure of yourself. I'm not impressed at all ;[name redacted] has spent a great deal of time and energy devoting herself to racial equality and bridging the horrible gaps we humans make of things. You ran roughshod over her without even knowing just how much good she has done and how hard she has worked. It detracts from you, greatly, that you behaved this way. It makes you less of a force for change and good and more of someone a little too fond of hearing herself speak. I called someone out on a single comment they made and waited to see what they had to say about it. They replied with a host of other information that didn't exactly reply to my point. So I pointed it out again. And back and forth we went for a while. Now it seems important to this particular friend that as someone her friend is impressed by or respects that I somehow believe I deserve to cause an impression (positive) wherever I go and I'm now less worthy of such impression. Now if her friend who read my original essay feels less respect for me - that's perfectly understandable and something apt to happen if one forgets humans are human and put individuals on random height pedestals. Despite what I originally assumed she hasn't read enough about me to know my style when I'm discussing particular subjects vs just how I may phrase things in other communities or general posts here in my journal. What interests me right now is this assumption that as someone who is being respected I have some sort of obligation to be nice. And that by trying to get a pinned down response on the concept of the fetishization of black men in fandom - I ran ' roughshod' all over the original commenter and I should have taken into concept everything she's ever done on the subject of racial equality. Is this a concept of politeness that I just don't have? Because I never assume, unless I'm told (as I thought I had been told in this example) that anyone reading me has ever read anything else I've ever written on any subject - if they are a person I've never heard from before. I never assume that my prior goodworks can mean I won't screw up something in the present. And I don't think they should represent me if all someone sees is one/this current moment in time. How many times in life do we get to pull out a resume when we've messed up in order to say "But no really, if you look at my long history, you'll see how much I'm not like this..." And often I've found that individuals who get called out on racist, or offensive words / phrasings/ thoughts, often love to pull out their history of prior good works. It's like they pull out the cookie drawer and say "See, these other people gave me cookies. See I've done cookie worthy things in the past." The minute someone does something along those lines I immediately disregard anything they could have done. Because then those works don't stand on their own anymore to me. Instead those works become a) a foundation of excuses for current behavior b) a pile of works that were done purely for accolades not for the spirit of the work itself and the good it will produce in one person's life or in a general long run. If someone looks at my interaction in this case, for example and they feel I was too aggressive and I'm not someone they want to interact with it's a completely valid opinion and I may be disappointed if I ever learn about it - depending on who they are. But I can't say right now that I'll give it much thought in general or worry about it. I don't live my life trying to be an example of anything other than survival; for which I leave my journal open so people can see me struggle and accomplish and/or slide. So if someone would like to explain this concept of - I can't even call it automatic role modeling, because a role model to me has a sense that they're being watched and that they're inspiring others. They are aware of the eyes on them and their place in society. Me? What place in society do I have? So this concept of of niceness, that at least in this instance seems attached as a livejournal etiquette more and that I somehow owed the original commenter a resume review before interacting with them and that I also owed them a change in my own personality in order to be sweet and leaning towards understanding - where does this concept come from? Am I operating along mental lines other people can't follow? Is everyone else in life walking around with a resume they instantly hold up as a shield the moment someone takes what they say wrong? And is there also a belief even if 'you' (for general values of you) go and comment on a journal to a person you have never interacted with before or outside of a very specific context, and you invite and open conversation that somehow that individual should KNOW or UNDERSTAND that in your own journal you only have 3, 12, whatever readers and they're all personal, known face to face friends who know and understand you without a lot of words being written? Why is it assumed that a public entry should have the same context as a filtered or flocked entry that IS actually specific to a certain group? Why should I just surfing in be expected to read between the lines or with invisible context? Why should it matter to me that if I knew 'you' (again for general values of you) I wouldn't react the way I had. The point is I don't know them and only have their words, and their following comments (both on and off the topic) and in one instance still misunderstood, to judge them by. Honestly I suppose part of the reason I'm writing this out as a journal entry is because my initial and continued response right now is to tell the friend of the original commenter to grow up and stop expecting everyone in the world to be nice. That's not reality. PS: Does this thing also have something to do with the weird ass assumption that 'everyone wants to be liked and popular' and other shit?
19 Comments | Post A Comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Link
 |
|
Had it for breakfast first meal. Stayed up late into the morning to help ![[info]](http://www.insanejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) fickle with her last college paper EVAH! And then spent all of today sleeping, until the postal person rang the doorbell. Yay doorbell! Now I just have to get some spare paint and cover the patch from where I moved it.
Anyway, postal person sucks. I got to the door and said 'Please hold on. I'll be right there' - cause I was busy putting on pants under my nightgown and trying to balance on my bad knee AND hold onto my cane. And the postal person just said 'Yeah, well it's right here' and went back to their car.
And on top of that she put the box down sideways even though it had a 'this end up' sign on it. Turns out it didn't need the 'this end up sign' and the items were very well packed. (Someone sent me jalepeno potato chips and they didn't break!) But this is the second time the postal package delivery person has just tossed something where-ever. I'm seriously thinking of asking all of you - if you want to send me a package, to wait and do it as a once a year thing and put out for UPS cause WTF is this shite?
I miss my old postal guy. The one from two, two and a half years back. I wish I'd had the money to tip him then. He was considerate, efficeint and just a plain damn pleasure.
Meanwhile, I'm apparently responding quite happily to fruit, yogurt and milk!
In more domestic news, I need to get back into a routine for brushing the cat cause this hair ball business is seriously messed up. It's hair logs right now and just eeewh. Not a thing to spur the day on, to wake and go 'oh sh*t, have to bedn over and clean crap'.
Tomorrow however! Semi-homemade Donuts! And perhaps some more kitchen unpacking. To which I say 'whee!'. And maybe sunday I'll make myself some curry.
ETA: Google is still fucking up Blogger and it's now been going on 40 hrs since my blog stopped working. I don't like WordPress at all, so I'm seriously considering just moving the damn thing to iJay. I don't think I want to wait around on Blogger to see what else might come up (other businesses etc). It's ridiculous to me that 48 hrs can past with people's blog's down, business and personal and no one has explained what's going on. There was one 'oh my, there seems to be a problem' 17 hours ago and nothing since. There hasn't even been a blanket form email sent out that some Blogger members might be experiencing xyz.
ETA2: Has anyone else switched from using yahoo mail as their primary address? Where did you go? Did you attempt to download what was saved in your account or did you just leave it?
8 Comments | Post A Comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Link
 |
|
Dropbox.Com + Firefox's Scrapbook Extension = Willow's Online Bookmarks.
--
*sighs* In other news, the groceries just arrived. This time I had good customer service before hand - but there are dented cans. PLUS, despite my diligence, I somehow ended up with a tiny packet of chicken wings instead of the 15 lbs of chicken breasts (or legs) that I'd requested. The site messed up and I didn't notice.
I'm so tired of being tired and fed up with my grocery situation - of waiting until the last possible moment cause I'm deliberating. I didn't go with Safeway because their site kept messing up - javascript stalling or the cart rebooting to empty. I wish the request I'd put in for transportation help would go through. I need to follow up on that with my caseworker. Right now I'm not feeling too positive it will. I'm going to start looking into cabs and seeing how to finangle the costs on my own. I would like not to have to experience this stress over food. It's probably not helping my digestion, my weight or my pain levels.
And I think I also miss buying my food weekly, which I can't do if I use a cab - I'll definitely need to make one big purchase a month, but I miss looking and catching deals and figuring out what fresh fruits / fresh vegetables I might have been in the mood for for the week.
Plus, it's just a damn downer. All my excitement about my bookmarking's pretty much faded. I need to move back up and try and remember how it felt that made me open up Semagic.
---
Dropbox.Com + Firefox's Scrapbook Extension = Willow's Online Bookmarks.
30 Mins Later: No Folksonomy. NoTaxonomy. No Social Tagging. No non engaging layouts.
Yes to: Page capture & storage. Editing and highlighting. Searching within text. Editing before I capture. Multiple profiles so I can keep surfing separate from writing from comic links from art.
I suppose if someone else has Scrapbook and Dropbox, I could start a public file others could import. But I've never really cared about sharing. I just wanted something to help me organize. I'm fine with sending people links via email or through my journal. I suppose I could now use Delicious Del.icio.us (way to squash the original, Yahoo) purely as a link forwarder and reciever. I originally only got an account because ![[info]](http://www.insanejournal.com/img/openid-profile.gif) zvi-likes-tv.livejournal.com had one and she was feeling a tad lonely with her new toy. And I liked the thought of her having someone in the network to send links too with the system - cause it made her happy. My current doorbell plays 'Greensleeves'. Life is often about the little things.
Oh! And if you have a Box.net account. There's a Scrapbook add-on called ScrapBox.net. So you could save files directly to your Box.net account, since Scrapbook also saves files.
Now I suppose the next time I'm fiddling around online, I'll catch myself and start going through my Del.icio.us links to finally have all those saved links (now pages) somewhere I'll actually use them.
Post A Comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Link
I have an Intense/Intimate Filter. I think I already have those who'd want to be on it, on it. But just in case, please comment here.
I've never minded having some things public. But the casual attitude I have when I make sure that my mom's identity is pretty much protected isn't the same as the privacy I want to ensure when I talk about my father or issues relating to.
13 Comments | Post A Comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Link
 |
|
About a month ago I began researching alternatives to blogger's in house comment system and I came across Disqus. I emailed them and asked if I was somehow missing the links to their TOS and Privacy Policy. One of the owner/creators emailed me back and said it would be 'coming soon' and gave me a link to their general FAQ.
Their easily found general FAQ which I'd already scoured.
But no worries, thought I. I'll wait a bit, this is bound to happen.
Tonight I emailed Daniel Ha again, because I haven't seen on the Disquss blog, any mentioned of a TOS or Privacy Policy. They are improving the service, and that's always mentioned. Each new feature gets a blog post. But there's no mention of a TOS or PP. Their competitors have TOS's and PP's.
I got an email back practically right away. I forgot it's barely 1:30am on the West Coast. Anyway his reply to my second query about a TOS or Privacy Policy and how lack of one had me searching for other products to use...
His response was: Good Luck
I am perhaps an unusual individual when I say that such a reply means I will now never use this service.
2 Comments | Post A Comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Link
Someone recced Posterous to me on my post about WTF Book Blog/List?? But they posted anonymously. Anyway I've tried it and I do like the simplicity. I just miss tagging.
I'll see if I like this better than creating a new iJay. I don't know why I feel so reluctant to start a new journal. It shouldn't be a problem. iJay's moving along nicely and if I began to feel more and more comfortable with it I'd buy a year's worth of time, despite the fact that I wouldn't be all that big on icons, etc.
1 Comment | Post A Comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Link
It took me five minutes to download Vuze.
It took me before that, 30 mins to read the TOS.
It then took me a single minute to realize that I don't get to keep what I download and that they don't let you get to THOSE terms of service details until after you've installed the damn program. They made it difficult to find.
Anyway, guess I'll have to get Roswell Conspiracies some other way. Because the stupid program lagged in even letting me watch them online w/o downloading.
2 Comments | Post A Comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Link
 |
|
I should go bed.
I was staying up for a bunch of reasons. Stubbled across the 37th Edition of the Disability Blog Carnival.
There are accounts there that made me break into tears - which feels huge since I was already triggered earlier. But I'm going to read through it more tomorrow. I've been feeling so frustrated and scared lately; about moving, about being even less useful in terms of lifting and dealing with boxes. I feel guilty for not moving everything out of the back bedroom - even though I was pacing so I wouldn't hurt myself and I -didn't- count on having to go downtown, which made me extra exhausted.
And I've been noticing so many people with canes. I used to see, or notice maybe three a day and usually the same people in the same areas. But just today there must have been twenty. Young, old, fat, skinny, black, white; didn't matter. I used to have to give people a bad angry look, or dig out my card - if I felt up to confrontation and needed to sit down and there was someone there expecting me to get up to give up my seat. Cause I didn't look needy.
Now people get up for me. The bus drivers automatically lower the damn bus. I've hurt myself less climbing up and down.
Even while I'm absorbing all this, I'm so angry at having symptoms treated instead of someone listening to me and thinking of tests to figure out what's wrong. I mean "Your joint's inflamed, it's nothing serious." That doesn't tell me anything. And it might not be major but something's happening. It didn't just do this on it's own.
*sighs, goes to bed*
4 Comments | Post A Comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Link
Twitter is down for me.
And it took me a half hour to remember Instant Messaging Exists.
ETA: I'm right now looking at Pownce and Tumblr but I feel so skeezy.
Post A Comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Link
 |
|
Chopchica does post-mortem.
I've sat and thought about if I wanted to say anything, if I had anything different to say. But it all boils down to what she said - there under a bright and shiny and seemingly careless surface, is racism. And for me, the name change feels like something very small - good, but small. Because I don't believe the game's moderators and players realized or learned anything.
I think they walked away from this huffy and upset at having their racist and insensitive actions called out.
I think they walked away from this talking about those whiny Jews and Jew lovers.
I think they walked away from this thinking about how the Jews want to own the Holocuast.
I think they walked away from this with any little knowledge they had about homosexuals, the physically and mentally handicaped and blacks who were also in the camps - completely drummed out of their heads with words like cunt and bitches and sheep.
I think they walked away from this thinking that it was just bad timing to have promoted the game so close to Holocaust Remembrance Day.
For hours they watched people comment; upset and outraged and hurt and disgusted. They watched human beings say 'This is wrong! Please stop being so wrong!' and all they could think about was their sense of entitlement and that if someone brings up a point that hurt their feelings there should be cock sucking and petting and pampering to make them feel better and THAT would be what prompted them to change anything at all. As if racial sensitivity was some kind of trade.
For hours they ignored the very simple, plain and easily understood fact that intent does not matter when someone is hurt.
I think behind locked posts some of them will still refer to the game, or the game's timeline point as The Night of Breaking Glass.
I think marieantoinette is not the only individual who thinks the Holocaust was 'something in the past that should not be dwelled on'. I think she is not the only one who is like to believe the same for slavery. If the Holocaust was 'Oh my gosh 70' years ago, then Slavery being centuries away is what she'll focus on. Never mind that Jim Crow Laws and Segregation are only forty years away.
The fact that after so many commented, someone could come to my journal to ask me just why I was upset...
It boggles the mind.
I am reminded of all the times, in other conversations where things went pretty much the exact same way - someone brings up "But I went to Japan and they reverse discriminated against me!!" As if a country filled with people who lost a war, and who suffered terrible tragedies like Hiroshima and Nagasaki actually have the power to do anything but make an individual feel uncomfortable. And even then, within the culture, it would have to be an individual who felt above following the norms of the society they were visiting.
I bring this up because all this defensiveness and spitting swear words and back up determination to stay in the wrong, seems to come from feeling guilt and having discomfort.
Guilt & Discomfort.
Those are the reasons the pain and suffering, the humiliation and anger of formerly and still currently oppressed peoples are to be ignored.
Guilt & Discomfort.
To admit that you were careless, thoughtless and insensitive is to face guilt and discomfort. I don't believe that all racism is based completely on this, but I do believe that a goodly part of the racism that infects individuals who want to claim that they're good people - comes from guilt and discomfort.
And energy.
They'd have to learn something. They're angry at having to learn something. They're angry at having to spend time and energy learning something. And rather than be angry at their ancestors who treated various groups of people as if they were less than nothing - it's easier to be angry at the descendents of those groups for bringing things up. As if racism were not a cancer that when ignored continues to consume society, multiplying cell by cell, thought by thought, invading and possessing.
I am well aware that there are individuals behind the journals that were involved in this. And I'm left thinking of those individuals that spoke, and the ones who let a few doing the speaking for them. And I'm left KNOWING they're not at all nice or good people. They want things easy. They want anything that isn't easy to just go away and leave them alone. If they don't think about living in an Apartheid State then it isn't true. Cause America is great! America's #1 and how dare you insinuate, how dare you accuse its children of not being perfect.
____
For the moderators of ![[info]](http://www.insanejournal.com/img/community.gif) asylum_promo, I do not wish to have any further communications from Keieeeye. Her concept of PR clean up is seriously lacking.
For prairiecrow A better term for what went on would be imbroglio and not wank. Racism and anti-semitism are not the same as shipping wars and who's the best NuWho Companion. But it's just a suggestion from someone "childish and impulsive".
For ardath_rekha While I do not believe in your apology, I am grateful that you took the time to apologise and risked doing so on the journal of someone who was and is incredibly upset by what happened. I have unscreened the apology on my post but I also point people here to where you posted the apology to anyone still tracking things.
To anyone wishing they could comment or start/continue conversation in my journal - I'm sorry, but I cannot handle conversation right now. I am still far too incredibly angry and upset. Chopchica has comments open - if you have an LJ you can go there.
ETA: I am not exempting the British Isles, or Europe from containing idiots and assholes and a strong sense of superiority.
Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Link
 |
|
I haven't looked at Metafandom over at LJ in weeks, possibly months. I just checked my feed today and scrolling down I realized I didn't really want to read any of the posts mentioned. I haven't been reading and yet I still found out about the things that I like being aware of. But I didn't have to put up with so much "Slash vs The Patriarchy" or "Grammar & You" or "Vidding Etiquette & How To's". Though truthfully the last bit I'm kind of curious about as a natural outcropping of my love of film and cinematography. But with Meta-fandom on del.icio.us now, I can choose to just look for vidding when my head's in the right space to read about vidding.
Am I becoming less of a (media) fan?
I shifted from fiction to meta without quite realizing I was going exclusive on one and mostly absent on the other. I don't participate in ficathons, mostly because I don't enjoy most of the new little black dresses. And I've begun to find most of the meta listed on Meta fandom to be ... lacking. I know part of my scrutiny right now is because I'm coming off the heels of Amanda Marcotte & The Straw That Broke WoC Blogger's Back. I did see one interesting article in about a month and a half worth of entries.
But it was exploring a topic I'd already explored with the former roommate. So it didn't say anything new, even if I enjoyed reading it written out. And then I just couldn't deal with looking at the comments. My mental voice was all 'You don't need the stress'.
Just how wrapped up in the feminism that needs change is slash and media fandom in the first place? Does dissatisfaction with one naturally lead to dissatisfaction with the other?
Is this growth or just change? And change to what?
It's difficult to figure it out when it doesn't seem to have positives but instead a giant blinking neon sign of : DO NOT WANT.
( Read more... )
Post A Comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Link
I don't think anything I attempt to write about will match up to what others dealing with more severe things going on will write. So I'm going to admit right now that this is my selfish list.
____Dear Baltimore, Thank you for making wheelchair lift buses a standard part of your fleet. But why, WHY, do you insist on making the lift happen in the front of the bus? Everytime a wheelchair needs to get on, I end up feeling like it's a game of competing disabilities as all the old and injured people need to get up, and shuffle to the back so that the wheel chair can pass the FRONT seats you deem as disability seating, so that the wheelchair can pass without running over anyone's toes or cracking their legs. We all stand there, gripping our canes and various poles to stay straight, grinding our teeth against pain, liver spots and flush red wounds and pain sweat, while the wheelchair beep beeps it's way up and then is manoeuvred into place - - in the front of the bus. I remember NYC buses and how the lift was by the backdoor and so a wheelchair could immediately move into its slot, leaving all the disabled at the front, seated, without having to balance empathy and consideration alongside their own discomfort. ____Dear Boston, Finding an elevator to the subway should not be a game of hide and seek. Finding an exit without a lot of steps should be second nature. Not needing assistance because of your combination of steps haphazardly here, with some escalators there and who knows what elsewhere - should be immediate because you want your inhabitants to feel like full Bostonians, full citizens. People with pain and injuries and wheelchair actually do have money to spend downtown, and at Harvard Square and other places. ____Dear Generic Apt Building, With your lovely cobblestone walkway to the front door. It's great that the elevator is wide enough, and the hallways and the apt's front door. But have you ever tried to turn around twice in your bathrooms? A chair wouldn't fit. A cane barely does. And the necessity for a sturdy bar in the bathroom is not an actual luxury. And those pretty cobblestones, I don't know about wheelchairs, but you try navigating those things when your feet aren't quite listening to your brain. And what's with having the trash chute so far away from all the apartments? Must my apt be funky because I'm in too much pain to trudge all around to the opposite side of the building and stretch up and then try to balance on one foot while pushing my trash down the chute because you won't install a simple low standing drop down? ____Dear Generic Mariotte Hotel Room, I love your suites. Kitchen and bathroom and sitting room and bedroom does actually make time away from home easier to deal with. But uhm, have you noticed that your kitchen counter doesn't actually have room to fit a wheelchair if someone were to attempt to cook? Or that all your cupboards are - - up top? Yes, I'm not in a wheelchair, but I felt the pain of having to open and stretch up to those cupboards for every fork and plate and where you hid the toaster. And I had to deal with the tiny two sometimes three burner stove, that was supposedly flat without an oven for space underneath for a chair - except there was no chair space, just a pipe. And the bigger burners are all in the back - so how does one dangerously stretch with a heavy pot ? And why is the sink still so damn high? Moreover, why is it someone can't use your bathrooms normally without them stopping up and overflowing? Each and every damn time? Do you not expect a healthy digestive process? Do you not expect an unhealthy one requiring more uses? Do normal, perfect, people who go visiting from one place to another never expel waste from their rear ends?? ____Dear Supermarket Delivery, You suck. I can't even begin to discuss how discouraging it is for your service to fail away the way it has. It used to be a blessing, now it's a curse. I had to stop using you, because I never knew what you'd leave out. So much for making it easy for those who find it difficult to shop for themselves. ____Dear Walmart/Target/Whatever, Why are those little carts that are meant for the disabled always so frigging hard to comprehend. Why must whomever is watching over them look at me funny when I want to use one. You never seem to ask for some sort of disabled ID - yet your employees judge my need for help getting around the store, to the point where I don't use them and in pain, shuffle your aisles until I realize I'm just hurting myself and leave without buying anything. Also how is someone using those carts supposed to get something off the high shelves? ____Ok, selfish rant (Willow Complains About It All) over.
7 Comments | Post A Comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Link
 |
|
I've been uploading icons, tagging them, putting up a (my personal use only) on ones that I don't want ganked. And I started feeling REALLY selfish. And then I caught that feeling and looked at it. Without putting up the words that say 'these icons are not meant for sharing' I still don't want them shared, but somehow I don't feel selfish.
So I poked the thought.
I don't know why it's there and I'm not even going to guess, at least not right now. I gave myself a stern talking to and explained to myself that if I was someone who wanted to share the icons she makes on an ongoing basis - I'd be making a lot of icons and/or have an icon comm or post where I put up all the icons I want to pass around to other people.
But I make my icons for me. When I spend the time and energy making an icon for someone else, it's at their request or as a gift or something like that.
I don't know where the little voice in my head saying 'selfish' is coming from. But it feels all wrapped up in expectations and niceness and being a girl, for some reason; That putting up boundaries and pointing them out is bad. It made me think of the Open Source Boob Project and Race (white folk wanting to touch the hair) and unspoken peer pressure.
I'd always been rather proud that I got over going with the crowd at an early age, even if it was because my deal and their deal were so effing different. But here I am feeling invisible censor from I know not who and this pressure to be 'nice' even if it makes me feel uncomfortable / makes me feel compromised in self and identity.
And my brain skipped right to Amanda Marcotte and the love-fest that's apparently happening in her blog despite her actions and previous words. I realized the lovefest is not ABOUT Amanda. If you realized this before, please don't laugh at me. I realized that all the 'Brave and Courageous' etc talk is those people being RELIEVED.
No matter how skewed the message they got about race growing up, no matter what they then learned about oppression while fighting for 'feminist' causes, they just can't take the discomfort and the invisible censor that comes with fucking up, not thinking, watching the self for privilege. So of course Amanda is brave in their eyes for sacrificing herself so that they have a logical rebuttal to give to the invisible censor pointing out racism. Of course she's a race hero.
And it follows of course the WoC who bring up inequalities and dismissals and invisibility are treated the way they are. It's a physical voice backing up the invisible censor. It's why we seem mean, we're adding to the load and the noise.
The stereotypes of strong black woman, wise aboriginal individual, exotic and spiritual asian suddenly make a whole lot more sense to me when I think of them in the context of individuals who find internal resources to push through the outer censor, society, to stand up for their rights. Our heroes are everyday heroes who learn to ignore at an early age the peer pressure of those who want to be comfortable.
And suddenly I feel harsher against individuals who claim that 'it's all in the past, folk need to pull themselves up by their bootstraps'. Because apparently even though not all of them can move past peer pressure, my people and my larger community are expected to; we're expected to buck 400 yrs of violent peer pressure. We're expected to ignore the invisible censor that's been floating for decades upon decades in society, that compares Amerindian and Aboriginal Peoples to dogs.
G'damn that's unfair as fuck.
* Be better than us, but don't get too uppity now.
* G'damn you bitches for being stronger! For being loud. For being educated. For pointing things out.
* You better stop whining at us and get yourselves together to get out the ghetto, off the rez, out of the gutter! We're not responsible!
* What is your yellow/red/black/brown ass doing where it don't belong, boy/girl? Go back home to the ghetto/rez/Asiantown
Geeze, fuck, world. You are seriously messed up.
5 Comments | Post A Comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Link
 |
|
Oh for FUCK's sake!
Someone named Christine on Feministe is having a cow because she is SO blind to the fact that not everyone who is a person of colour has obvious and/or stereotypical signifiers, mentioning said fact is equal to a stalkery threat.
And THEN, when people call her a flaming idiot - cause she is. She responds with 'You negroes aren't watching your tone! It's not helping your cause! My white sensibilities are shocked and offended! Who will save the white womens!!!!'
Fuck Amanda Marcotte. Fuck Feministe. Fuck the Femiblogsphere.
And Christine?
We're in your neighbourhood/office/supermarket, noting ur racism
And I don't care if you did later apologise you Ivory Tower, Spin Toiling, When It Suits You To Pick Up A Cause, Negro Hating , Asian Exoticizing Feminist.
Because even if you apologised, your cheerleaders are still sniffing the crack bus to fortify themselves to protect the white womenzs
ETA: This message brought to you by the letters A for Angry, B for Black and W for Willow. And F for Fuck You NYPD & NYS Court System
24 Comments | Post A Comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Link
I thought the accounts of paypal sucking were inflated for emphasis. Then a friend, on this iJay flist experienced step by step the exact same kind of fraud that's been happening.
Seller sends item.
Buyer sends fees.
Buyer claims seller somehow defrauded or made unauthorized charges to account.
Things go to paypal complaints.
Buyer gets their money back.
Seller gets NOTHING.
In my friend's case she'd already transfered the funds over. So now her paypal account is in the red for a serious chunk of cash.
I just closed my paypal account, told them what I think of this consistent tendencies regardless of documentation and called them liars and cheats too! Seriously what does a seller have to do? Take photos that are time stamped of the item in a box, in the post office with a random postal worker there as a witness? All before sending it off? Because of these criminals does every seller now need to treat every buyer as a potential liability? I refuse to be part of that. ETA: I do also have a problem with when a buyer gets fleeced. It seems that paypal believes whomever files first. If the seller talks you into waiting longer you lose that right/ability.
4 Comments | Post A Comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Link
 |
|
The icon situation is settled. I've left the posts up as a record for myself. But have disallowed or privatised comments and removed links to the individual per their request. I don't want to lock them because they're a good look at not thinking about the other side, assumptions and confusion. Even if I won't put up the resolution conversations as they are private, I think someone else experiencing the same situation can get the gist of how I was thinking and what I did and what happened.
Which is also the point of this post. I'd never before considered that linking back could be seen as a Red Letter of Shame / Accusation. I'd always thought of it as citing the source. Which is perhaps impersonal when individuals, private journal space and feelings are involved. Or rather when private topics are involved; identity + icons are private.
I've also never before thought about how my open journal policy might appear to others; strangers who don't know me or don't have the chance to read my userinfo to see what this journal is to me.
I am glad, however, that I was able to stop and think about the other side of things. And I'm glad I went with my gut and wrote an apology. I'm glad I could walk the walk and that I remembered that despite one's intentions or ignorance when someone's feelings are hurt - that's the important thing. And lucky for me, the individual involved thought that about my feelings too. :)
2 Comments | Post A Comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Link
|
|
# Links removed by request
# Strike outs indicate assumptions that were wrong / misunderstandings
Apparently being open and honest about how one feels about something, even while admitting it's irrational and that one is confused about how one feels is somehow writing a diatribe.
The person who I posted about previously who'd used an icon of mine not knowing where she found it, evidently felt that my writing about the experience was me pointing my friends to her in some sort of complaint. She's since written about the experience [link removed ] here. In it she claims I should have friendslocked my post.
I am guessing she did not read my userinfo and how it states that I use this journal to discuss my emotions and my ups and downs in everyday life. Or maybe she's just not used to people being honest about their emotions without hiding them behind a flock. I'm not upset she's called me a bitch. Her point of view on the experience is hers and valid. And I've no doubt she was disappointed at not getting to use the icon.
I am somewhat puzzled at the mentality that would read my words and think it was all about her BEFORE she remade the icon and not about me, my emotions and my surprise AT my emotions. Not to mention her seeming belief that I had no clue that she could read the entry. Which is odd, considering I pointed her at my iJay in the first place. She also does a bit of Pot Meet Kettle, because I admit to rethinking my use of an icon where I couldn't find the creator and further admits to leaving the livejournal community where I saw the icon in order to get away from me.
INSERT: It's possible that not having any way of knowing that I'd posted about how I was feeling before I contacted her affected her pov on the situation. Still, it's odd to me that she didn't go to that post and comment, even anonymously if not with openID that she felt my post was unfair or inappropriate or whatever, thus allowing me to explain why I'd written it. I've considered writing to her to let her know that this wasn't about her and wasn't a diatribe and wasn't meant to hurt her feelings. It was about me and my feelings. But so far someone I trust has told me just writing out my feelings publicly was apparently enough for LJ drama and that writing to her would just be continuing it.
It's all very odd and confusing.
I am grateful to know that she hunted down the image the icon was taken from, on her own. It is not a touch up of mine. And I headdesk that I didn't think to offer her the source image since I think I do have it on this computer.
Have I said this is all odd? Cause it really is. Seriously odd.
Damn it, I'm going to post the letter and if it makes things worse - well can an apology make things worse?
I considered posting a copy of the letter here, but it should probably be private.
(edited from original version after thinking about things / then edited to remove links)
2 Comments | Post A Comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Link
|
|
# Links removed by request
# Strike outs indicate assumptions that were wrong
I just came across someone in LKH_Lashouts using one my icons. An icon I had made for me with no intention of sharing with anyone. I just [ link removed ] commented to the person and let them know it's mine.
In their picture list they do ask the question in comments of "Did you make this?" But that still doesn't make me feel any better.
I never thought I'd react like this to something like this. But it's kind of like seeing someone else wearing my clothes out of my closet without asking my permission. I'm not sure what my reaction would have been if I'd seen it credited to me. But right now I'm full of WTF! And I feel silly for feeling so WTF and yet I can't control how I feel. Emotions don't work that way.
I just...
I worked really hard to find just the right picture to match what I wanted for the icon and just the right font, cause I felt so many other people had such lovely bookish icons. So I made my own. And I was really proud of how it came out. And... man this is worse than someone wearing my clothes. This is someone wearing something I made myself, out of my closet without my permission.
I can't believe I'm so upset by this. But I really am. And it's only made worse by clicking on the link to comment to the person and seeing someone had ALREADY commented claiming icon love.
Man....
I have one icon in my flist that seemed so adorable I wanted to have it and couldn't find where it'd been made to ask permission. Now I feel totally like shit for having it on my list, just imagining the reaction from the person who made it. If they'd feel anything like I'm feeling now, the cuteness isn't worth it.
ETA: I think I feel worse about this since it's someone who reads and participates in a community where I've USED said icon in the past. So I feel like I bloody well know where they saw it.
ETA2: I've received a reply and the individual has said they won't use it if I don't wish them to. I've told them I don't wish them to. I still feel pissed and angry and fed up though. It sucks being in the weird position of asking someone not to use an icon. It's a collection of pixels for damn sake. And yet it's also part of one's online identity. It's so fucking COMPLICATED! *frets, attempts to breathe*
And the thing is, there could be more people using it. People I won't ever come across. And having experienced the shock of seeing 'my online face' being used by another - that just feels seriously creepy. And it makes me feel totally irrational because if this is identity theft, it's not as damaging as bank accounts and driver's licences and credit cards.
* Icon used in post is Icon in question.
* < -- possibly not worth at all hurting someone's feelings.
ETA: Apparently she was a) so offended or b) wanted to use my icon so badly that [link removed ] she copied it, changed the text and then left the community. If you go look right now, [link removed ] it's her default.
10 Comments | Post A Comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Link
|
|
|
|
|
anxious
irked
hungry
not satisfied
tired
still owy
incredibly upset
confused
grumpy
thinky
pissed off