Things I wish I could remember to day to others; but that I am training myself to understand (and have in fact been realizing) when it comes to weight, weight loss and body size.
"I'm so happy for you. I realize that you found something that worked for you and now you feel amazing. Like it's a brand new day. A brand new world. And you want to share it with everyone you think could be in the same situation you were in. But the truth is, different people have different bodies, different dietary needs, different levels of fitness, different health concerns. What worked for you, may not work for me; may in fact be detrimental. So please, say you feel better and you wish that I would find something that worked for me too. Focus on how I feel, not how I look, or how I look to you, or what some magazine says is healthy - that would be supporting me."
Version I tell myself:
"I'm happy for myself. I found something that works for me, and now, slowly, I have days where I feel amazing. Like it's a brand new day. A brand new world. And despite areas I'm still struggling with, I want to share it with everyone I think could be in the same situation I was in. But the truth is, different people have different bodies, different dietary needs, different levels of fitness, different health concerns. What worked for me, may not work for them; may in fact be detrimental. So I can say I feel better and I wish that they would find something that worked for them too. Focus on how they feel, not how they look, how they think they look, how other people tell them they look, or what some magazine says is healthy - that would be supporting them."
First my new tweets weren't loading. So I started checking my scripts, only to discover that some just aren't working anymore. Either I keep the ones I have, or I delete them - but not more editing; adding colours etc. But Tweetdeck looks dark and confusing. Hotot actually looks interesting; but it's apparently very unstable on windows systems. Does anyone know of any others?
What I'd like:
Ability to have simple stream (I don't like a lot of confusion and clutter)
Ability to colour code people I follow (for easy identification)
Ability to choose font, and width of tweets (for easy reading)
Things that I do not enjoy:
A whole bunch of multiple columns.
No control over when I see new tweets (aka them just popping up)
Multiple sets of information coming at me at once.
There are people on LJ who mean a lot to me. So I have an rss feed program on my desktop, I use auth=digest and I read all their posts that I can access; open and public, general flock or filtered. I can email them or PM them when something comes up and I want to check in on them without commenting. I've been through a lot this week, and no one who's not directly involved somehow has contacted me. Because it hasn't been read. Because it takes a click from DW to see the public posts and apparently you have to be on iJay to see the flocked or filtered ones. I have issues with DW not meeting or matching my needs. So this is where I am. But for the past two days I've felt very much alone and unseen by people I thought did see me. I've wondered at my commitment to them and whether it goes the other way around.
If the case is that I am self isolating, by not being on the same network - if an online relationship with me is too taxing due to having to click, or having a bookmark or setting up an auth-digest rss feed? Then I should probably be considering where to put my energy in future. Online support networks aren't very supportive if they're only around when things are easy.
I did not realize that even online, when you move away from 'the neighbourhood' things end like you're five years old and don't know how to write and use a stamp.
ETA: My current anger is only about 30% displaced. I've felt like this for a while. It's just really hitting home with these current circumstances. And no, contacting me now that this post is practically a 'check things out' neon sign - won't make me feel differently towards people.
My focus isn't and hasn't been on 9/11. I keep seeing it mentioned and forgetting it. I'm busy gearing up for the first anniversary of SkywardProdigal's death. As I write this, I find myself thinking, there are too many other people dealing with private, personal loss in the same period; or reminded of such by the season change of fall. I'm glad I'm missing the media hype. It's not a national holiday, it's not a celebration. It should be a national day of mourning, except it's too entangled with hate, loss of aspects of citizenship and a whole lot of bullshit. To those of you feeling jangled by it all; take care of yourself. Keep yourself safe. Turn off the tv if you can, avoid the news and papers, get a special favourite book out the library, try to have the ingredients for your favourite meal to cook, or just treat yourself somehow.
On behalf of someone else. Just shaking with it. Near tears with it. And whoa, it does not help my pained joints or head or general ugh, road kill, feeling any at all. And now my chest is doing that anxious pound pound thing. On the other hand, maybe it's still a good that I can recognize certain things when I see them; that therapy and fandom have given me the tools to utilize my Doctorate in Manipulation (Mothering Guilt) to see when someone's playing the ass.
Just... sheesh, I'm shaking. Damn. Wow. Sometimes, sometimes I forget my trust issues and how big a deal it is to me that boundaries are respected. That after a life-time of having mine violated, even if I still battled to put one up for my mother (who treats them like wet 1 ply tissue paper), I recognize where they should and why they should be.
Just... shit. Ow. Stomach pain now. Geeze, my brain.
Sometimes I look at my flist/reading list and am overcome with a wave of affection and deep caring. I look at the writing of various individuals and it's like peering into a friend's kitchen, just watching them drink something warm and yummy with their feet up on an extra chair and they notice you and wave you in to share. Right now I'm focused on all of them, all of you, as individual beings. As people trying to make your own way in this life and it is so damn comforting. You don't always have all the answers or even the right answers, but you're putting one foot in front of the other, you're trusting in yourselves, in each other. You understand the need to BE a solid independent person. You may have to navigate that due to varied circumstances, but you're doing it.
It's like Church/Synagoge almost. A community of individuals fixated upon a goal, one others find ephemeral; but supporting and encouraging one another, inspiring one another.
It's pretty damn cool.
Then there's the part where many, many of you are quirky, smile creating, silly beautiful beings, even at your most righteous.
Ok, seriously? I think wrist warmers might be the bestest things ever. And if folk want to get me gifts, they can totally get me wrist warmers, especially if the part for the four fingers goes up to say the first knuckle.
Am currently wearing them to type. They are brightening my day I tell you. Especially since they're OMG so purty wool. PURDY WOOL! And I think having some that are say, elbow length would be OH SO AWESOME TOO. Though those would definitely be outside wear.
The cable knit on these are cool, but I think I like plain knitting better, and the sporty wear ribbed ends top and bottom, cause to me the colours show better.
I'm really glad I decided to put these on right now. They're tipping the scale from crap to mostly exasperating.
Again, thank you so much dragovianknight
PS: These also cover my thumb some. WARM THUMBS are LOVE!
Dear friends of mine.
I will NEVER call the police on you if you tell me you've been having some suicidal thoughts.
Ok, no more internet for me. Too. much. ignorant, selfish people.
Oh livejournal, you leech you.
At least now I've recognized why it felt like I'd forgotten people lately. I had. I'd removed their feeds from my feedreader because seriously, lj makes my skin crawl. And it seemed like everyone was moving over to DW anyway. But apparently, really, not so much.
And really, truthfully? Life is a lot less fulfilling without knowing what versaphile is cooking or cleaning or growing. Or what several other folk are doing. Also - they're not suddenly not talking to me, if I find I don't know anything about their recent day to day life. Silly me. *facepalm*.
Seriously, I thought one person must have been sleeping on couches and just barely scraping by. Which doesn't mean it was useless to hold her in my thoughts positively. But it was a touch unnecessarily dramatic of my imagination.
So I find LJ as an entity and service to be abusive, callous, and manipulative as all hell. It raises almost all my internal flags of 'danger - avoid like plague'. And yet, it turns out that avoiding it completely leads to me losing out in life. Weirdly enough it's like dealing with my mother, I could cut all ties, but that would affect my relationship with my siblings and the rest of my maternal side of the family. So I try to find balance.
I hate it. Utterly.
But many of the people who I'd switched to following on iJay or DW - have been my support network in one form or another, which makes things important in their own unique way. It's odd, isn't it, how reading someone's day to day can become integral to your own day to day; the internet village is my nosy, local, social life.
Speaking of which I have no idea why I keep dyaniera's feed even though yet another year has passed without much of a word, a returned email, or a returned IM from her. Not wanting to throw away friends is understandable to me, but when I've already been cast aside, seriously holding on is like being a packrack, isn't it.
Meanwhile *hugs Chopica & Bellatrys tightly*. I've kept wondering where you guys were.
*hugs the rest of my Amazon village*
*hugs samidw for being so determined in maintaining contact*
*contemplates phrase 'The Masters' Tools'*
For those of us trying to stay safe in the midst of all the anger and outrage and hurt we feel, which could be triggering a myriad of further emotions, the most obvious being a sense of violation and betrayal....
Cause you don't need to post or comment about any of what's going on. It doesn't make you weak. Keeping yourself safe is wise. Recognizing limits, is wise.
So, things that have been cheering me up when I want to burst into tears - Zoom Zoom. Do any of you remember Mazda's commercials when they had the theme/song?
The Japanese Version Here
The English Version Here
This one makes me cry, but it's a happy cry <-- ETA
These things make me smile and relax me. I'm sure others will post other comfort thingies, so we can keep our community within a community as safe and calmed as possible.
Willow already has a DW account. It's Willow@Dreamwith.org. Thank you, all of you, who contacted me about getting an invite code. But I'm good. ETA:My bad for thinking it could wait to say I had one.
Also for the record, Dreamwidth's ability to port comments with entries, really interests me - I'd like to preserve the comments I got on livejournal. But that makes DW a place I will happily mirror to. If DW does figure out how to read flocked posts as subscriptions on one's reading list over there - then I might have myself a new online second home/summer home.
iJay's small, and not as popular and certainly not as embraced as DW seems to be. But that smallness has resulted in me getting to know a group of people I otherwise might not have - and getting to know you well. I'm not going to abandon that.
|10:21PM | Fri, March 20th | 2009
|Wait? Just how many people ended up in the ER recently?
|online: support network|
`So far on my flist, counting myself it's a scary three. WTH? And that's not counting a trip to a work place's nurse cause someone's finger wouldn't stop bleeding.
The fig's going on in the world?
Sometime near Feb 27th, I shall have Lady McBeth In Space and Alien Nation.
Sometime probably in March, I hope, I shall have TTT and FOTR - Extended edition. They were mailed on January 27th by a fan who lost her job. But it's parcel post - so really, it's real snail mail indeed.
And today I HAZ PURDY HATZ! By dragovianknight. I have to wash it, because it smells very very clean and I'm probably allergic to the detergent. But I did try it on. And it fits and will deal with my hair quite nicely. I can't believe someone made it! The knitting is so neat!
But it means I have the prettiest blue hat in the world. *spins with it* Thank you, thank you, thank you!
PS: Yes, I'm up again after going to sleep around noon. I'm no longer asking questions of my body. It needs what it needs. Also also - I know I'm blessed this year's March, with the ability to receive little things from friends (who are a blessing) and buy myself little things in this economy.
Dearest ephemera.livejournal.com, your package has been received and Tally is absolutely enjoying a catnip mouse. I'm slowly going through my presents. Thank you, for the massager. I'll look at the rest in a bit.
Tally's being a real comfort being adorable.
Saw this caricature of Lois & Clark and thought immediately of you.
ETA: So as this post is a little longer. Here's a meme.
Your rainbow is strongly shaded green, blue, and orange.
What is says about you: You are a tranquil person. You appreciate a challenge. Others are amazed at how you don't give up. Those around you admire your fresh outlook and vitality.Find the colors of your rainbow at spacefem.com.
I have given bridgetmkennitt my address for she has promised me cookies (and possibly brownies). If you hear about how I got blowed up - well, you know who did it and can act accordingly.
Yes... I did this for brownies. Lo, they have tempted me with their luscious, chocolate crumbliness. I think perhaps I may need a Betty Crocker Clinic.
Playlist I"m listening to hit me hard with the realization that the person it makes me think of the most - we don't talk anymore. And I have no idea why it happened. I emailed to find out what was going on, to discuss how I felt and nothing. No reply. Nothing.
Sometimes I think I'm never going to deal with relationships in a grownup manner. Because to me, there should be some conversation, some thing as hurtful as it would be, that lets you know from that moment onward - that's it. The end. You've been dumped. You've admited to a lack of similar interests anymore. Something.
It really does make me look at the people currently close to me and wonder when they're just going to drift away and I'll be some name in their email contacts they have to get around to deleting one of these days.
On the other hand, Iit seriously makes me adore kdorian who's managed to stay in contact with me, despite everything happening with livejournal and my current hiatus with IM. *hugs tightly*
And it makes me appreciate ephemera.livejournal.com who's promised to talk to me should be every drift too far astray from one another.
zvi-likes-tv.livejournal.com, I would hope, would contact me and tell me she didn't recieve no divorce papers, so what's wrong with me.
But fickle would probably be quiet. And I wouldn't want her to be. So uhmm, heads up.
Still - makes me miss my therapist. I'm not quite ready to talk to the new guy about how I handle friendship.
There are people on my reading list, 3 in fact, currently going through some eating disorder, extreme diet, food self denial stuff. One of whom has said it's not meant to be intentional but I'm still worried. The other two are wrapped in a cycle of needing some type of control over their lives and using denial of food as proof that they have self will and...
I can't follow anymore.
I can't read. I can't...
For the record, none of the three is bitterfig. She's actually, very slowly, taking steps towards not just eating healthily but recognizing why the way she used to eat was and is unhealthy for her body, her psyche and her over all health.
I was a binge eater for many, many years. And to this day I'd still rather buy food that almost anything except for books (and if there's a way to borrow the book, food wins). Because to me you never lose the memory of eating and how it felt and how the food tasted and the peace and sense of fullness it gave. But everything else could be taken away from you.
It's taken me years to learn to eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full (to recognize what hunger and fullness even meant). And to this day I sometimes have whole days where I just don't want to eat, or don't want anything solid, or don't feel it's damaging not to eat, or I just forget because I too got really good at ignoring hunger pangs. And as a result I have serious blood sugar issues.
This is just too painful to see.
You (my flist, my general reading list, my friends), you're hungry and dizzy and emotional and sad and upset and having nightmares and swinging into deep dark depression lows and hating those who notice what you eat or when you eat and just wanting comfort food, or space or a sense of privacy and self and it's just too immensely painful to read about. One of you has injured yourselves by over exercising.
I can't do this.
There are some ways where I can be supportive and some ways I can't. And this is one of those ways I can't handle. I can't do this.
-There will be filtering and taking people off my feed eader
There's nothing like the rain to get one depressed. Though part of it is that even my new regime can't much help two days of rain. But I'm not in agony and that's pretty damn cool.
Rain's made me curl up and read. One thing led to another and I came across a photograph of two actors which led me immediately to thinking of an old rp which lead me to thinking about the once_upon_a_friend. And now I hurt all over again. It's just so sad to read a time when you were so simpatico you made two character's believable; with chemistry and backstory and inner life and intensity (and given how often Actors on Film can get it wrong, that is saying a lot).
And now here I am having never heard back about feeling abandoned - thus making it official. And it makes the storyline I'm reading so achingly bitter sweet.
I wonder if that's part of my last few fears about writing - some confused tumble of emotions about how I might never be able to get 'THAT' again far less on my own. I suppose it's just a pall over a collaborative effort that had me trusting my writing so much.
BUT I'm well aware that I've not drifted away from everyone I've written with and they poke me and hug me and send me delightful cheering up / house warming gifts. So I do have perspective.
Still, it's one of those things where you see the perfect imagery and you just WANT to tell that particular person and it's not going to happen now.
I'll get over it. The sky's just grey today.
Oh. And GIP.
Note to self: When feeling out of sorts, the solution may not be going to cuddle the cat on the bed - unless you WANT to sleep through till morning.
It's possibly progress though. Fell asleep around 10pm and woke up near 8am. So it's getting closer and closer to what I call reasonable hours. It might have been affected by my moving of furniture about.
Note to Fickle: So sorry I passed out, hon. Seriously.
I got it. Thank you :)
And now I'll have the time to figure out how it works vs when I was dealing with the free trial.
Again, Thank You VERY MUCH for thinking of me.
June 10th: BACKDATED
It's 1:30 in the morning, or close enough. I can't sleep. I've spent the night trying to distract myself from the fact that internet still isn't working. I thought the move wouldn't feel real and complete until I didn't have to think about the AoL anymore. But that's not it. The move isn't complete, isn't real until I have internet access.
Then I'll feel like I'm home.
It'll undoubtedly help to have actual phone service too.
It's so odd to be in a place I feel more comfortable in, in a place where the landlady seems to listen to me when I mention something - example; I mentioned that one of the storage rooms didn't have a door that could close and had an open spot between the drywall and the brick. I mentioned that my cat, when startled could get in that small space and I'd caught her trying to dive down in there. There's now a lock on the door.
But it all feels rootless without being 'home' online. I feel like I know (remember) a lot of how viridian5's been feeling having to deal with getting a new laptop. The internet helps makes the world smaller (and more comfortable). Moreover, I really don't like tv all that much anymore. All the time I've spent watching it since I'm not online has felt wasted. I can't cater directly to what I want to watch, so there's a lot of flipping around and a lot of 'ugh, blah, blah, more blah, ugh'.
I miss -home- (online). I miss it a lot.
Has anyone else ever had to give bank account information for a rental application?
the_rck, and others
More information here.
But it's suppose to work internationally too.
|Thanks to wesleysgirl|
fickle coming across the date we met online.
Her: But wow, we've been friends for a LONG time! <3
Me: hmm, 2 and a half years, I think
Me: That's not all that long.
Her: Shh, I'm little. That's over a tenth of my life.
Her: So in my head, it's ten years.
Her: Because that's a tenth of a hundred
Her: And I do percentages in hundreds. XD
Friendship Math - This Ain't No Ordinary Algebra!
Made it safely to the land of fickle. Have con badge. Will shower and get to bed as soon as I finish posting this.
There was bus drama etc, but I'll post about that some other time. Right now I'm soooo sleepy.
Also I attempted to bring my desktop using Migo3. It's misbehaving and doesn't seem to have brought some things over. I thought I'd tested it out. I guess I should have been less tired and logged into the guest account on my computer and checked it there.
Live and learn.
Fickle is Fickle, which is rather extremely comforting. It's rather as if this were any other night, except the plans we have tomorrow involve us physically going somewhere. And the conversations we're having involve in flesh body language.
*kicks Migo one more time*
*goes to shower before collapsing*
Also: Is this a new posting .bml page?
versaphile <-- LOOK. WHO. IS. HERE!
*flails like a happy kermit!*
She's got a PA too.
Go say hi. Even if you don't know her. EMBRACE HER! I COMMAND YOU!
Also if you like Dr.Who slash? You will love her like peanutbutter loves chocolate.
I just likely overwhelmed lj's Viridian5 with links she most likely has already re: Disability Lawyers, Help, SSI, etc. I'm just so worried for her and angry for her. And it all spilled out with me looking things up online. with frantic prayer.
I'm not really sure any of those links would help. I mean she has the internet too. But I just didn't know what to do. I never imagined that side-effects from freaking BRAIN SURGERY would get turned down for SSI.
And all I have to offer is five minutes of gogglefu, as I try to finish stuff I've got delayed too due to not feeling well, being out of it, feeling depressed, trying to handle/manage pain.
Unfairness is terrifying.