Lately, I've felt better. I believe I've mentioned that one or thrice or effty seven times. But I realized something, starburst moment I'm sure. Feeling better is just an improvement on feeling crap. I can cook for myself at least twice a day. I can wipe down counters most days. I can take out the trash and the recycling and maybe vacuum. And then my legs and arms start shaking, my back spasms, I want to cry and even sitting down makes me feel exhausted. I'm not BETTER. I just feel less bogs of crap.
Well acid wash in a crotch, that's just sneaky. Sneaky and detrimental and 7 shades of painfilled wrong. It's wrong to realize how pathetic it is, given a perspective, to feel so good and relieved and so proud of myself for accomplishing bare basics. Yes, I cuoldn't before and now I can and isn't it wonderful. But life at bare basics is still crap. It's crap and guilt and frustrations - which may explain why perhaps I may forget this revalation tomorrow, in order not to feel so depressed I pound my head into explosion.
Pshh, for all I know I've realized this before, effty seven times. But I've got ants in my kitchen ,despite the a/c being horrid cold. And I can't seem to keep up enough in wiping down my counters and minding my floor even though it's fricking amazing -for me- and the dishwasher runs twice a week now and the counters aren't grey or brown and more a slight offwhite and the grout's still damn clean.
The universe reminds me of what it felt like to cry to stand up, to feel dizzy upright, to feel two to three times as heavy as I am, to have tingling-tickling-sore-pain. Prescription renewed. Will try and pick it up when I can this week. Feel like I've been smacked with two things; this medicine is actually working and I may be on this medicine the rest of my life so dystopian explosion better not happen.
Meanwhile I have all day to try and make soup.
Oh yeah: Soft toilet seats are squishy cushioned icky germ infested doom. Too easy to rip in places you never notice, causing you to suspect your toilet tank has not just hard water / hard water stains but some freaky funky fungus problem. Soft toliet seats are NOT progress. They are a bane!
Right now it is amazing me what a difference in pain management a 4 and a half hour nap makes. Logically I know that I didn't get enough sleep last night so it had to have helped to get some rest. But the difference! Wow.
I wish I could remember to do that more often when I'm feeling badly - instead of feeling like it is giving in and being useless.
I'm awake. The plan, however, is to try and hobble to the library tomorrow - because I woke up today feeling WORSE. Luckily, there is chicken now in the oven, so food for the weekend will be set.
But damn - went to bed at 10pm and woke up feeling worse? What kind of justice is that. Right now it feels like I'm on the cusps of my body just flat out jello-fying on me.
Therapy was good. I think the new guy is somewhat afraid to y'know, therapize. I can't remember if it's been mentioned he's a wee bit intimidated of me (or of the task of assisting me with psychological processing tools after I'd been working with his mentor). So I'm going to bring that up next time or I'll end up doing all the talking. Though, I do understand he's trying not to impose and for us to find our own pace and space without him purposely seeming like my prior and beloved therapist of 9 years.
Maybe I was just jumpy this week at the thought of a shorter white man across the room being somewhat uneasy of me and my zingers :)
Also got stuff done today! There was BANKING! Of course, there was also a couple of moments where I originally felt complimented on my modest dress by a manager who asked me if I was muslim (due to said modest dress) and then me wondering if everyone not in skintight jeans who wants to open a new account gets asked that little question.
Also, the first thing to pop out of my mouth was "No I'm Jewish." ( ... )
Still, BANKING. Productiveness! Also returned library book. Paid fine. Tried to find 'Hercules Hooks' - but couldn't. Riteaid no longer carries them so I might have to order from Amazon.com. Also bought myself something to eat. KFC remains very salty. Still it was a treat (last time I had KFC was 2 yrs ago? I think?) for lots of walking for errands and remembering to pick up my medicines (yay prescriptions!) and managing not to fall on my arse with a cane on somewhat still icy streets.
I will soon wash up and crawl into bed to sleep I think. It's been a very long day. Been up since...4am, I think. It might be a little earlier.
Also! Therapy homework this week is to try and identify when I'm in pain and remember that feeling. Also to try and notice when I'm feeling exhausted if I'm also experiencing pain. I need to manage fibromyalgia better. But in order to do that, I need to know where the pain is, what it feels like, accept the fact there is pain, etc... so I can tell my GP.
Also also - GIP. The vote (and my decision) were for the one with a dropped shadow.
Pain currently at a 5.5 inching towards 6.
It's not exactly a positive but its return as actually clarified some things for me.
1. I am dealing with anxiety (I hold my body different when I'm anxious and I also tend to rock. It's more noticeable with pain)
- 1.b) I know I am anxious when I can't even read the continuation of a fic, by a fanwriter I like, because it's reading the 'unknown' and not knowing what could happen makes me want to curl up into a little ball and weep while an invisible crab piercing my flesh and perforates my lung organs while chewing my heart.
2. When I wasn't feeling pain my body was catching up on sleep. But I got so worried about my schedule being backwards that I didn't think of just switching when I took the pills and maybe adding a little caffeine to stretch out until a more regular bedtime.
3. Part of my anxiety is no doubt the therapist switch.
- 3.b) This anxiety is probably also why I'm soothing myself with research and organization and can't handle anything remotely social.
I'm going to try and discuss all of this in therapy today, then come home and crash - no matter what the hour is.
Well fook. It is 113% possible that the reason I plunged into extreme depression last week (and have residuals this week) was that I was knee chum deep in PMDD
G'damn fucking hormones too many fucking diagnoses to keep track of body falling down like a rust bucket gone to seed - shite.