By Any Other Name
the tale of Willow

Date: 02:30PM | Wed, November 17th | 2010
Subject: Ow. The Pain Twas For Nothing
Security: Public
Tags:discomfort scale 8, pain scale 6, therapy / therapy day

Got up early, made myself head out of the house early. Figured I could do an errand before therapy and also take my time since I'm feeling so achy. Got to the therapy office with plenty of time to spare (seriously Rite Aid, wtf is up with your prices?).

Got told therapist wasn't in the office, wasn't in the building, wasn't in the area, wasn't in town.

Bought chocolate chip cookies.

Lurched home.

The world is lucky I can't beat it silly with my mind. But oh can I imagine.

In other news: Am discovering I might perhaps be bored with my regular grocery list. I'm not quite sure what to do. When I have the energy, will perhaps see about wrangling with insurance so I can see a nutritionist - maybe they'll have ideas?

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Date: 10:41AM | Sat, December 19th | 2009
Subject: Dis Mornin'
Security: Public
Tags:pain scale 6, weather: wtf! snow!

Something went further wrong with my little brother's computer. So my mom called me. I suppose this is a reasonable hour to her. But not to me. Especially since I was woken up at 3am, by the landlady (who apologized profusely) asking me to keep a tap on so the pipes wouldn't freeze.

It's snowing by the way.

When I went to bed, there was a light dusting on the ground. Then I saw after I hung up the phone with the landlady that snow was STILL falling. Now this morning there's snow on the ground. Actual snow. Like two inches or more of snow. It's a freaky white winter land.

Freaky because this place gets cold but doesn't get SNOW. WTH. Climate change SO in my face.

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Date: 01:03PM | Fri, September 11th | 2009
Subject: Ow
Security: Public
Tags:dreams, pain scale 6

My dreams today consisted of a prison, no locks on the doors, guards who killed at a whim and were using the prison population to treasure hunt. This was not a good dream. Woke up and it was still raining, thus explaining my general body pain - guess it wasn't those conscienceles guards beating the ever loving stuffing out of me.

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Date: 01:10PM | Sun, July 26th | 2009
Subject: (*curls up in ow*)
Security: Public
Tags:#disability issues, #race issues: general, about me, pain scale 6

Ovlulation pain. Tailbone pain. Joint pain (due to overhanging storm) and a swollen breastbone. And I begin to sincerely wish there were other ways I had to back up my computer (but I don't plan to spend a lot of money on an external drive only to have the monitor say 'I am the weakest link - goodbye').

At least I deleted the dvd/cd burn+copy program that came with the computer. I don't know why I kept thinking it was easy for me to use. It wasn't. And then after thinking I'd messed up 3 different discs. I got a new program (yay freeware) and used the last disc, which got burned beautifully and now I have Season 1 and Season 2 of The Weekenders. (I need to be in better spirits to monitor to dwnld and burn S3 and S4 - especially since each 10 minute episode is halved for some reason).

But ow. Very grumpy. And even though there's roast in the fridge I just want to order something for the comfort of the food coming from somewhere else. But I don't even know what I'd order. I'm not craving any flavours at all. So I won't. I'm just - ow. A lot of ow. I loathe pain. And even though I've got my pain patches, I have no clue where to put them (other than on my neck earlier) because there's just so much pain and that would involve making a decision.

PS: Homeland Security: We're In Ur Website, Bein' All Racist. Someone on my twitter list was surprised. Yeah, she's white.

Meanhile, having seen that link, I wonder if this pain is just delayed tension or something.

ETA: Oh damn. I think I've rebroken that damn troublesome toe again.

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Date: 12:36AM | Wed, May 6th | 2009
Subject: Late Thoughts
Security: Public
Tags:neurotypical!not!, pain scale 6, willow's warren

I undid a single screw and unpacked a single box. And am curled up in pain now, because I don't want to use more patches until I see my doctor and am sure things are ok. Also, I think they may have given me a rash, I'm not sure. I was wary of the methylparaben because it's an ingredient in shampoo and other stuff and I tend to be allergic to most mainstream cosmetic/hygiene products. I'll stare at my chest in more detail tomorrow. For now I'm not taking this thing off my chest, cause given how my other joints feel - I think doing so would cause me to plow my head into a wall.

Stupid Rain System.

Still brain blank about the apt and carpet cleaning and going somewhere else. Need to deal with stuff in therapy and see if I can even think clearly about it all.

Need to find some small things I can do (maybe more boxes?) so I feel like I've done more today, pain or no pain. No one's giving me any breaks for having too much pain to unpack and I can't afford a)another fine or b) to alienate my landlady.

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Date: 04:21PM | Sun, December 7th | 2008
Subject: Ow
Security: Public
Mood:uncomfortable uncomfortable
Tags:discomfort scale 5.5, pain scale 6

Human beings are supposed to be the most adaptable species on the planet. If that's the case, then why the blazes am I not adaptable to my surroundings? If it's too hot, I have trouble breathing, I feel heavy and exhausted with small, throbbing, sore type pain. But if it's too cold, I get deep, sharp pains in my joints and cold prickly sensations on all exposed skin that's not my face.

Last night the sharp, aching pain in my hip went from a 5 to a 7. Moving around the kitchen to make myself food was a test of endurance. I could almost physically imagine something stuck through my bone as if I were the Fisher King. I was wearing, socks, sweatpants and a hoodie sweater. If I wear too many layers recently I start to sweat - which ends up with me feeling clammy. After years of thinking of myself as a survivor, to have such particular needs makes me feel oddly like a failure in coping - never mind what I may be able to handle mentally. It's... it's my physical body being out of my control, feeling like it and my brain are antagonists that makes me feel low.

Today I spent the entire day in bed reading, finally hunger drove me out. Except I can't focus to cook in the kitchen because of the damn pain in my hip. I may survive today off slightly sweetened cold raspberry tea - like a hummingbird.

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Date: 08:00PM | Sat, December 6th | 2008
Subject: Well then
Security: Public
Mood:blank blank
Tags:about me, discomfort scale 6, pain scale 6, sleep cycle

It snowed. When I heard the cars slushing by I'd thought it was raining. But I just peeked out my window and there's stuff sprinkled over the tiny lawn and the tops of cars. I need to pay better attention to my google weather widget. I'd have realized much, much sooner why my discomfort (pain) was so compounded.

As it is I've not got much to say other than being grateful I'm in an apt where Tally and I don't have to cuddle together for warmth. Though this doesn't change the fact that I must do 'teh pettings now!'. Checking twitter I realize why, I've been in my bedroom a while.

I woke up this morning and watched some cartoons etc, but ended up feeling so bad I went back to bed, attempted to read and fell asleep. Then it got cold enough for me to burrow and sleep some more and here I am. It's a little annoying that pain and exhaustion dictate my actions so much. I'd had an alternate plan for Sat.

ETA: ... Sleeping all day may also have been the result of accidentally doubledosing myself on my before bed meds. Welp, still alive at least :)

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Date: 09:50AM | Sun, November 2nd | 2008
Subject: ...
Security: Public
Mood:lost lost
Tags:about me, depression, discomfort scale 7, nanowrimo, pain scale 6

Have progress in NaNo. I'm still finding myself distracted by research and questions. I'm trying to just put questions in an accompanying pad with a little note to look stuff up later. But it's so, so weird not to know this stuff -as- I'm writing. It feels like there's so much left unfinished. Though I suppose with a novel, that's going to happen. Maybe? A short story, you can get all your research done beforehand, it's smaller.

I don't know. I'm trying to relax with it. Even while I feel like most of what I've written so far is me dropping into the world and isn't actually -story-. Hopefully it'll start to feel like RP soon, since I do explore as I write in RP quite often and don't think of it as frustrating.

I'm also incredibly depressed. It's scary. I'm safe. I want to assure everyone that I'm safe. But whoa. Even though I've been collecting groceries in an online cart all month, I don't feel clear headed enough to finish up and order groceries. And... *sighs* I'm overwhelmed by how I feel. Maybe I'm breaking through some scab tissue to do with my writing and my mother. I don't know. It just seriously feels as if depression is a demon underneath my skin, happily eating my insides and leaving behind blue depression that'll consume my soul. And then it'll have itself a mixed drink or something.

I feel like I should bleed blue.

I'm actually surprised I can write anything at all feeling this way. To which I say 'Hell fuck yay plots you outlines, you!'

No, I don't actually need anyone to call me, or offer to stop by to cheer me up. I don't think I could handle people right now. I think I may actually put in ROTK and see what happens because - crab in the throat sadness. Hell, I'm listening to Mary J and usually I smile all the way through and just...

It's not all pain either. Pain is about.. 6 and Discomfort is maybe a 7. Bearable both. It's something in my mind.

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Date: 01:28PM | Sat, August 2nd | 2008
Subject: Willow feels crappy / also there is grumpiness & complaining
Security: Public
Tags:about me, discomfort scale 5.5, lack of spoons, pain scale 6

Headache and dizzy. But Zvi's still coming over. We might have to go shopping tomorrow so I can get a dvd player. I'm fairly certain the el cheapo one I have broke - and they don't make it anymore. Apparently Cyberhome had been making them without the right licences etc. I have no idea where/who else has a $30 dvd player that does all region with a simple press of a button.

It's money I hadn't intended to spend this month. But it'll be more than worth it - even if I end up buying something from like Best Buy or Circuit City or something. Because the ability to curl up on my futon and enjoy familiar movies is extremely important when I'm in pain.

In other news at some point I want to discuss Nickolodeon's Three Delivery. I saw it this morning and WTF is up with the crappy animation style? It looks very cheap and the whole thing about 'Kung Fu Asian Teenagers Fighting China Town's Evil' is so OTHERING. Maybe I'm just not seeing it properly since I already felt so bad. But cripes. And Nickolodeon did so well with Avatar: The Last Airbender. One would think someone executive would go 'This (3 delivery) is extremely not like that (A:TLAB) and we don't mean plot'.

Heck, even American Dragon seems better thought through.

Oh! On the complaining front. I feel like crap cause there are thunder storms hovering. I felt a little better this morning after one broke but I can feel there's more on the way. A little research before bed reminded me there is a correlation. And I think I'm finally ready to admit I prefer winter; at least in terms of my ability to be active and functional. I've gotten more done in winter than summer - summer involves heat, humidity (which wasn't a problem in my youth - tropical girl- but a couple decades of global warning can make all the damn difference) with fluctuations om barometric pressure.

I've heard Hawaii is fairly weather constant so there's less pain there - so said by others who have the same problem. But I can't exactly just pick up and move to Hawaii. So I'm really going to need to get the right books and insights into how to live a slowed down life. Because I suppose the plus side is that I do actually want to do things now, which is mental health progress. But it's running smack into the physical reality that I can't just do things - I need to plan and accept that pain will cause delays and just -whoa.

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Date: 07:22PM | Wed, May 14th | 2008
Subject: Dear Willow, this is your Knee. You're a bitch! No love. Knee on the Left.
Security: Public
Mood:ow ow
Tags:errands: medical, health: physical, pain scale 6, therapy / therapy day

PT is pain. It's pain to make you stronger and better, but it's pain.

Things I noticed today:

- Hot damn PT is pain

- When limping and using a cane in a hospital, whether from a fear of lawsuites, the training to note something is wrong, or some natural caring; many, many people will ask you if you need a wheelchair to get around. (In my case many was 4)

- I'm going to need to be treating myself to dinner in the vendor-cafeteria after PT, because no way am I going to be able to stand up in a kitchen and cook after. The walk back to the subway and then from the subway to where I live is too long. And in the new apt, I'll be walking uphill from where public transport drops me off.

I had a raspberry smoothie today that was worth the almost 4$ it cost, just cause the flavour made me smile.

- Hot damn PT is pain

- I should have just used photoshop instead of worrying about some type of 'proper' signature when it came to paperwork thingies. Cause my plans to do stuff today after PT were abruptly cancelled by the hot, simmering pain.


In other news, is it my computer or connection? Or are Twitter and iJay being weird and kind of fucked up?


PS: And oh yeah. I had regular therapy.

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Date: 03:32PM | Mon, April 14th | 2008
Subject: Grumpy
Security: Public
Mood:grumpy grumpy
Tags:apartment of lies, discomfort scale 5.5, pain scale 6

This is a grumpy post.

Grumpiness Insues )

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Date: 03:21PM | Sun, April 13th | 2008
Subject: I am having a battle with myself
Security: Public
Mood:confused confused
Tags:apartment of lies, health: mental, pain scale 6

Cause Cut Tags Are Tiny Bits O Privacy )

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Date: 11:33PM | Thu, April 10th | 2008
Subject: Me & Pain
Security: Public
Tags:about me, health: physical, pain scale 6

First of all went to bed near half past 11 last night and was relaxed enough in bed to read some, fell asleep around one or so, woke up around one pm. That was near 12 hours of sleep. Considering I did not get much sleep Tuesday night due to the pain in my knee, I'm very grateful.

Woke up today and the knee felt so much better. Not just the knee, but my other leg (it'd become tense and sore from the weight shift) Of course this is because I'm on double my usual serotonin boosters and I have a prescription for my muscle relaxant/painkiller back.

But right now my knee is aching in jolts of shooting pain. And it confirms for me that it's a good thing I didn't plan for or attempt to leave the house today and that I do not go out and try to buy groceries. Because I will only injure myself more. Looked up Safeway instead and it seems viable. I'll try it maybe tomorrow, see what happens. At the very least I'll have brisket and noodles over the weekend.

After so much pain the last two days, today without feeling it so much felt heavenly. But as I begin to feel the pain again, I realize that my pain must be very high in general. I mean what I'm feeling now, I qualify as discomfort verging on extreme discomfort. But I bet a lot of people would not think a day wherein, touching their own body still resulted n pain that felt like poking bruises to be a good day.

Reminders of how much pain I'm in daily, and that pain is what keeps me from doing things, are needed to weigh against the whole 'you're lazy' record that plays in my head. Of course, when I admit I have pain, and that's usually the point at which I can't stop myself from crying - the record that plays is all about how I'm a wuss.

Can't win.

Definitely need to increase certain meds to maybe 100mgs a day, so that I can walk around and do things. I reached over my head this morning to mess with my hair. It was marvelous to have full range of movement.

Y'know, writing stuff like this it does hit me that I don't give myself enough credit / acceptance for the pain I live in daily. But it feels so weird to do so. I look at the words and realize I got excited about raising my arm at the shoulder. And yet, - wuss.

Anyway, thanks for all the kind wishes on me surviving to get an MRI and work through the dreaded PT. I'm going to need to call a cab for that though. No way will I be able to walk home/take public transportation after they put me through my paces

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Date: 01:58PM | Mon, February 11th | 2008
Subject: don't ask me how I feel
Security: Public
Mood:crap crap
Tags:about me, discomfort scale 7, health: physical, keeping house, online: games, pain scale 6

Some thoughts:

Celestian Seasonings? Who told you to change the make up of your Raspberry Zinger Herbal Tea? I opened the new designed box and things smelt different. But since I'm < - comment censored for gratuitious tmi - > I figured I was smelling wrong. I wasn't. The tea doesn't brew as red, still smells different and tastes different.


- - -

[info]randominity had a post about her and her bf and education on racial issues. And I just want to make it clear, since I've learned it wasn't, that while yes, I'm fed up with doing Racism 101 for STRANGERS, people I actually befriend in the friend/warm/personal circle definition of the word, who care about me as a person and a personality? Y'all get free tutoring.

- - -

Perfect World - Sashawna's twin, Sashauna is now up to level 7. Illydia's been up to Lvl 5 since the first day ( and may have just turned lvl 6). Oh, and I'll put up a screencap at some point of Gunn & Wesley's lovechild - Gessy.

But making new faces aside and the lovely, incredibly beautiful worldscape / landscape and as beautiful music (and how much do I appreciate the lack of dramatic battle music to set me all overly tense and taking things too personal/1st person) - I think I'm getting bored.

It seems to all be the same exact quests no matter the race/starting point, just in different scenery. And as I've yet to properly figure out crafting (lost Sashauna's Blacksmithing certificate somehow) I've yet to see how pursuing crafting gives one a different adventure.

Which is not to say there're not things I want to do, there are. I want a Werefox who tames an Undine, maybe several. I'm a mer myth fan girl like that. I also want my own deer/stag/antelope steed. Cause effing A, man. And I think it's possible for non winged persons to buy (earn?)elf wings and that's 'Sweet as Georgia Pierotica'.

But following what are basically the same steps to get ahead seems boring to me, what impetus is there when one finishes with one character to start all over again with another? Or to not stay with your highest and or current fav - other than switching around for the scenery?

But I'm not saying these things or asking these questions to put people off the game. I'd pay a reasonable price just for the facial and body design capabilities and the chance to take screen caps. My thing is, I think there's something lacking in me as a gamer.

Blah blah more here - Includes Fresh Smelling Misanthropy & The Taser Against Stupidity! )

In other news: last night in a fit of small burst energy I put together something in the slow cooker so I wouldn't have to worry about food today, given the extreme body pain yesterday. Seems a good idea since come today I feel like some sort of addict in withdrawal. And yes I've taken caffiene and my meds. But my head sort of aches behind my eyes and along my nose and the base of my neck hurts/is sore and tense and my cranium hurts and even the thought of going back to bed and sleeping more doesn't fill me with enthusiasm.

But as I was saying - attempted cookery and how it went wrong. Didn't put in enough water, so I made some sort of...goop. And I made it with canned salmon. It's not bad tasting goop actually. And if I add water to it, it might come out like the soup it was intended to be. The problem is that my body's decided that fish is ucky today. So I have this big arse slow cooker bowl full of food the very thought and smell of which, bring treble the pounding of my skull nd squeezing of my ropey colon.

I have now roasted some very bland chicken.

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Date: 02:01PM | Tue, September 11th | 2007
Subject: Boring Me News
Security: Public
Tags:about me, discomfort scale 6, pain scale 6

It's rainy and overcast today. It's actually quite cool. I feel like I finally got the windows of the apt open - in time for fall.

When they cam last night / yesterday they had to bring power tools. There's no way I could have raised the windows myself. They were screwed down - with nails.

I've just woken up. My head is pounding. Took the caffiene pill. Don't know if I'm gonna use the pills next month. I've had too many days feeling crap. Plus I do quite frequently forget to take the second pill and my reminder system seems not to be working right now.


Now to post an entry from last night / early this morning when my brain was working.

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By Any Other Name
of Willow
January 2016