By Any Other Name
the tale of Willow

Willow
Date: 07:31PM | Tue, May 8th | 2012
Subject: Things Make A Post - Maybe
Security: Public
Mood:indescribable indescribable
Tags:*sigh*, i hate people, pain scale 6.5, pain scale 7, wth?

Have discovered one source of pain; not THE source. But A source. Apparently my clothes are just a little too big. A little too big enough that I'm trapping limbs in them when I sleep, putting enough pressure and friction on them, that I wake up with sore spots and (before now) no idea why. And as joints with their convenient bendy points, capture fabric; it's been bizzare to have both random spots of burny soreness and pain and what felt like bruising. And what felt like very odd joint issues. Am I doing the same thing when I'm awake? I don't know. But I definitely do not self-correct/self-adjust in sleep. I think my sleeping self just deals with pain by not moving the limb; which might not help much if the pain is caused by it being trapped.

In other news, this severe weather alertness; barometer up to 30 and 31 is also contributing to pain and the end result is, my sleeping schedule is all messed up; a combination of taking things for the pain, and just not wanting to be awake (unconscious thoughts) when I feel like crap. Also, having to be horizontal to deal with the pain, just sends me to sleep. I've spent YEARS training myself that that position is FOR sleep. So... uhm... The opposite of insomnia? Or a little offshoot of same?

Cat is a demanding furball as ever; pet me, feed me, love me, groom me.

I... I've been avoiding answering my phone for a few days. I am so damn grateful right now for texting. I just texted my mother; cause she left an 'OMG I Didn't Hear From You!' Even though she called me on Sat. And then forgot to call me back. But texting means I don't have to deal with her when I'm avoiding people. Why am I avoiding people? I'm not certain about that one. I just am. I'm proud of myself for checking messages. It's probably pain related. Lately it feels like I think I've discovered the why of something, and a few hours later; there's another aspect to it all. All this... pain... stimuli.

In fact I've been feeling a little on edge and wary of things in general; this close to being over-stimulated by the stress and unhappy (and ismist) crap in the world. I need to find some more joys. I have a few little spots; but I definitely need more so I don't feel like a walking wounded raw nerve - when I'm conscious of how I'm feeling. I'm finding myself very, very amazed that people who are all in their feelings, all the time, simultaneously and also have time to do other things. How do you do that? I find it exhausting; feeling things, processing the feelings, recognizing what I can do something about and what I can't. So much stimuli. Is it as exhausting/energy using up when it's all good? Cause spending good times with ppl I care about also drains me; though so far that's included a bit of travel and other adjustments. But damn.

If this is a case of 'I need a higher dosage of my current thyroid medication' - I should probably leave the house tomorrow for a same day appt, with a hopefully non sucky medical practitioner and start that ball rolling. But right now? I am so heavily into eff the world. Heavily into it.

And that's not even counting my sudden dislike of chicken. Maybe I made too much soup this past week? Maybe it's getting warmer and my body wants different fare? That's possible, right? My body does recognize two seasons, and the heat of 'dry' usually means light, quenching food? Or at least, lots of mauby. Annnnd now I'm missing peanut drink so hard, and doubles and phalourie - though, if I had the energy I could probably make some of those. I'm not allergic, I don't think, to split pea flour.

Oh! And a friend offered to get me a medical alert... thingie. And I've been spending ages trying to decide what I really want and would likely always wear/be unlikely to forget or resent - cause what I find pretty and what works for me, is not always the same thing. And I think right now I'm pouty because what might actually wear might be too expensive for me to feel comfortable accepting as a gift. So... Mental processing for that too. Also? I've mentioned before that OMG so few lines to mention so many things? (3 lines, 22 characters?) -- Hmmmm.

Also have I mentioned how much I long for the ability to pick up the phone and order delivery as both perk and treat and not having to cook when my brain isn't into it and what I have in the house I'm so not feeling? And having it be corn free, gluten free, nightshade free, dairy free, nitrate free, sulphite free and egg free? As just the basics?

**flops**

And I don't think I have enough carbs currently in the house; since the supermarket last month sent me bananas instead of plantains and I cannot bring myself to eat the remainders; especially considering I've only ever liked my bananas yellow-green and these are definitely not greenish.

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Willow
Date: 08:19PM | Wed, June 22nd | 2011
Subject: I say hey. I say hey nonnie nah.
Security: Public
Mood:sore, exhausted, hungry sore, exhausted, hungry
Tags:--, energy level 2.5, pain scale 7

I <3 my dentist. I respect him. I feel safe with him. I have my first cavity filled today; didn't need a shot. It was all over in 20 mins if that. And I could come home and have a pomogranite ice lolly. Which is helping tide me over as I work up the energy to cook something. Oh seriously, bread is so damn simple - except when it's gluten free (and thus expensive or time consuming).

In others news; Regional Grocery Store Chain is closing down. I'd heard rumours but walked into a half naked supermarket today. Picked up the ice lollies (at a tiny discount) cause who knows if the chain taking over (whenever it takes over) will carry the stuff I like. I'm all a boggle.

Note to self: Remind Dr. Yoda about Advocate.

Related to that, filled out a transport assist paperwork today, first time was 4 years ago when I didn't end up hearing back. The sad bit? In 4 years? My situation has gotten worse. True, I've only had a year being treated for hypothroid and only a few months figuring out the gluten allergy situation. But back then I'd only had the cane for a few weeks and honestly said I hoped the situation wasn't lasting. Now I desperately need help getting to certain appointments due to pain and axiety issues and crappy transit schedules; I laugh when questions mention stairs; and I have to admit the limits of my free range movement is about 3 blocks with a good 10 minute rest and if stretched out to -6- blocks, as I need in order to get the right bus home; leaves me too in pain and exhausted to make myself a good and proper dinner - thus as I find myself right now, all ow and hunger and wishing I was young enough to live off ice-lollies and didn't need good protein.

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Willow
Date: 06:02PM | Sat, June 19th | 2010
Subject: And My Stomach Is Seizing Up.
Security: Public
Tags:pain scale 7

I just got told/realized that I ordered something off Amazon but typoed the receiving address. Here's hoping they actually check the mail I sent about OMG there's a PROBLEM! And shipping isn't until Monday like the website says.

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Willow
Date: 11:14PM | Sat, November 21st | 2009
Subject: In Other News
Security: Public
Tags:.deewee, pain scale 7

My hip has hurt for three days straight, and it's kind of getting to me. It's not a biting, omg need to vomit pain. But it feels wrong and makes me worry and overthink.

Also I miss DW. Yes I'm still commenting, but I miss the people that drop in to say *hugs*. I'm very much aware that it's a 'deal' to come to iJay and people tend to do so and catch up on a bunch of posts at once. The major thing is, however, the very reason I'm not over there (inability to save comments) makes missing it useless. Because I'd be there and anxious about not being able to save it, or just be xposting there with comments on here.

But it rankles a lot that some problem with my imported lj comments apparently isn't duplicable. It's the thing that originally made me go - hey this could get me just about 98% or more LJ free and pay attention to dw in the first place. And then it irks that you can't show comments but have comments closed. And it irks that you can't have comments open on individual posts if the comment default for the journal itself is 'comments disabled'. I mean Blogger has that. Since when has Blogger been on the cutting edge of the industry. They only figured out how to do easy jump cuts THIS YEAR. And it doesn't even work for everyone.

Meanwhile I've discovered/confirmed/reconfirmed my romance hot button trope.

But it doesn't feel very important at all given the hip pain. Seriously hip pain sucks. A lot. With rocks. Slimey rocks.

Also? Dragonage: Origins will never* drop to a price I consider reasonable given its skeezy race and trans issues *mental tantrum with fist stomping*

*[Note the dramatic emphasis]

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Willow
Date: 08:21AM | Wed, October 14th | 2009
Subject: Now The Trick Is To Remember To Tell My Doctor
Security: Public
Mood:contemplative contemplative
Tags:pain scale 7

Yesterday was painful. So painful I went to bed at 8 and attempted to sleep straight until this morning, because while unconscious I wouldn't be feeling the pain (consciously at least).

Yesterday was so painful that I think I figured out where a portion of my pain comes from. Someone on my flist mentioned Sciatica and a particular path her pain follows. I looked it up and bam. But more than just bam. I think it's very possible that my coccyx pain causes me to sit with pressure on the opposite buttock, thus compressing the nerves there and causing me to have pain in that buttock and thus days where both sides are incredibly inflamed equal days like yesterday where I potentially triggery pain reaction from me here ) - just for something else to concentrate on. (Yes, my brain's weird).

So now it is to tell my doctor and get this checked out - as well as to admit that I endure pain rather than talk about it, at least to mental health officials. And thus my doctor may not have an accurate accounting of what kinds of incredible pain I'm talking about / dealing with - thus there's nothing to cause her to think about what could be causing it so much. I don't know if this much pain affects my blood sugar, but it sure as heck has to affect my blood pressure even if only a little bit.

And yeah, what did I classify my pain yesterday? In the 7's I think. While today I'm classifying things in the 7's and admitting yesterday was a 9. It just seemed so melodramatic to label stuff a 9 then.

In other news: My hair's long enough to get in my food if I don't pin it back when I'm eating. So weird. No wonder I preferred a pony-tail when I was younger.

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Willow
Date: 07:02PM | Sat, September 19th | 2009
Subject: Irony (And Not The Alannis Morrissette Kind)
Security: Public
Tags:discomfort scale 7, pain scale 7

I bought easy to make groceries yesterday to ease myself back into cooking and dealing with more healthful food than take-out. Unfortunately when I woke up today, I was in extreme pain. So basically I just went back to bed after eating breakfast (which only needed warming in the oven). Now I'm up again and thought maybe my body only needed warming up. It's been 2 hours. I need to order something to eat, because somehow I really have hurt myself too badly to cook.

The groceries didn't even seem that heavy.

*sighs*

Body pain = 9

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Willow
Date: 11:19AM | Wed, June 3rd | 2009
Subject: I Think I'm Upset Because My Toes Hurt
Security: Public
Tags:discomfort scale 8, health: mental, health: physical, mood scale 5, pain scale 7, stress scale 6

Things are happening. I am upset. )

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Willow
Date: 06:28AM | Wed, May 6th | 2009
Subject: Hysterical Laughter
Security: Public
Mood:wussy
Tags:pain scale 7

Thunderstorms today.

Thunderstorms tomorrow.

Thunderstorms straight through until Saturday.

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Willow
Date: 08:39AM | Mon, November 17th | 2008
Subject: Ow
Security: Public
Mood:distressed distressed
Tags:discomfort scale 6, pain scale 7

I'm still up, haven't slept. Don't anyone comment on that. After the ridiculous crying jag last night, I tried to convince myself to write. That did not work. Not at flipping all. So I finally busted open the theater cut LOTR trilogy my mother bought for me, because I needed some FOTR and not on a little steaming video screen.

That helped a lot, and is part of why I'm still up.

The other is I forgot to take one of my meds and I'm achy and grumpy (like mega grumpy). And part of that is because the landlady's roommate likes thumping about upstairs at all hours like she's a very bad hippo breakdancer. The landlady's even commented on it when she's been down here and heard the noise coming from upstairs. But with the landlady spending so much time at her gf's, there's not really someone to remind the roommate to keep things down. I don't interact with her often enough to go up there just to say 'keep it down' and I kind of don't want to right now cause I'm in so much pain, I'm not at all in a diplomatic mental space.

I'm also grumpy because of pain. Yesterday was fairly manageable on some levels. But my tailbone's started hurting again. And it's a horrible burning, jarring kind of sensation. Lying down only right now w/o a dvd player means no LOTR. And focusing on reading something would be smushy in my head and it's already been smushy from last night.

Plus I need to make phonecalls and stuff this week about Thanksgiving and really - I kind of don't want to do it. I don't want to spend Thankgsgiving alone particularly. But I also don't want to have to deal with people, not the way I'm feeling right now. I'm very, very much in a curl up in my cave state of mind.

Also, if you (particular you referenced in last post) are mad at me. I'm sorry. Just let me know when you'll stop avoiding me so I can have an end date for the extra crappy.

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Willow
Date: 12:41AM | Sun, May 11th | 2008
Subject: Ow
Security: Public
Mood:uncomfortable uncomfortable
Tags:pain scale 7

There are people I want to respond to, who have written journal entries I want to respond to.

Right now, however, I'm selfishly being all about me. My knee hurts. I had it in the stupid ace bandage since yesterday - slept with it. Finally couldn't take the discomfort of having it on anymore. But now I'm limping more around the house.

And I still feel, despite now having a cane, that I'm making this all up in my head somehow. I can remember how real and crushing the pain was - when I voluntarily brought it up at a doctor's appt. But I think maybe I was just having a bad pain day.

It doesn't help that I'm holding my xrays and mri results and of course, not being trained, I can't make heads or tails of them to see anything obviously wrong.

I realize I should probably hot worry until Monday (and if the Orthopedist doesn't find anything). But right now it's very 'Am I making this up? Am I really feeling this?'

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Willow
Date: 07:17PM | Sun, April 13th | 2008
Subject: Scratch 1
Security: Public
Tags:errands: online, errands: shopping, pain scale 7

So I have been reminded via comments that I had some serious pain and I went to the doctor and this isn't shit to play around with. I logged onto the old grocery's website and once again the specials listed in the posted circular are not reflected in the 'shopping aisles'. Hell their online aisles don't even show some products as being carried by them. A lot of products.

So that's out. When there's conflict with even the basics - I don't want to deal with them. Given my knee, I really need NOT to end up having spent money for unsatisfactory results.

What's left is talking myself into safeway. Or calling my general case manager tomorrow and seeing if something can be done to help me.

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By Any Other Name
of Willow
January 2016