By Any Other Name
the tale of Willow

Willow
Date: 11:04PM | Sat, April 28th | 2012
Subject: The Upper Reaches Of The Painscale
Security: Public
Mood:--
Tags:--, pain scale 9

I may either crawl to an ER or Clinic of Fucking Doom & Unprofessionalism on Monday - depending on my levels of pain. I missed a day, due to pain; half sleeping, half curled up with the cat not sleeping. Today I managed to check in online once. I am currently in so much pain I'm crying. So I think, yeah, crawl somewhere in hopes of someone willing to believe the levels of pain and give me a PT referral or something; because even lying down isn't helping unless I"m asleep and the pain goes from groin up over my hip, over my buttock, down the back of my leg, to the bottom of my foot, to the tips of my toes. One long branching line of pain. And lidoderm patches aren't helping and I don't have big whoop droopy painkillers in the house anymore and I've had enough l-trytophane to equal one huge turkey all by myself. So... of course, while in this much pain, my wanting to be around other people goes down so much, so I say I may need to go somewhere on Monday. And then on Monday, I may rather curl up in a corner and suffer than have to travel by jerky, bumpy bus, limping along with my cane, and have strangers touch me.

My longing for a medical professional I feel even somewhat safe with. I just... I can't begin to describe it. No fuzzy feelings and hair stroking and then putting me on a bunch of drugs I'm allergic to, and then telling me when I swell up due to allergens I just need to eat less. No bullying me into taking medicines I don't want or need or have pointed out I have averse reactions to. Just... shit. I'm talking myself out of going anywhere near a damn white coat on monday.

Anyway, alive. Just, in pain. A lot of pain. Earlier it dipped down to 8, 8.5 and I peeked in on twitter and managed a reply and despite it being a 9, I just peeked in on chat. But I'm beginning to be honest and realize it's BEEN at 9 for daaaaaaaaays now. And I've been denying it and pushing myself and thinking my brain was just being 'weird' for being unable to think. But y'know, I'm pretty sure a 9 on the painscale and still cooking at least 1 meal a day for myself, is huge -cause 9 probably means 'brain quit now'. And I should have noticed I was eating less and cooking less and it meant something. But....

Anyway, making statement. In public. On journal. And the funny thing? I'm not even suicidal. I have so discovered that is primarily a coping mechanism for anxiety. Self harm and no more Willow is because Willow has become to anxious to live in her own skin. Pain? Pain just means curling up like a snail under salt and trying very hard not to whimper. And thinking odd thoughts like; as a wounded animal, I am very dangerous, cause I might rip someone's throat out with their teeth if they caused me any more.

And yet? Took me days to catch a clue. This endurance bullshit in my head? Is some... don't even have words for how messed up it is. And I can't even blame a Catholic childhood! Cause at no time am I thinking enduring it all is making be a better/blessed/saintly person. I'm not doing much thinking at all.

Oh yeah, tried to call my therapist and ended up in a fucking loop where it wouldn't go the the voicemail system only to their human messaging service - who refused to take any messages cause they should have been open. I finally hung up, being on the phone and focusing for that shit was too much effort. I was about to fall over.

I am sitting on three pillows to write this and things are still only at an 8.5. And slowly climbing. So enough effing update about how half my body is simmering quietly in a pool of electrical agony and fire pain.

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Willow
Date: 08:01PM | Thu, July 7th | 2011
Subject: Shit Damn Ow.
Security: Public
Mood:pained pained
Tags:pain scale 9

Right, so ran needed errands this morning. And from the moment I stepped outside the house, it felt like I needed two canes. The leg I usually need the cane for was as usual, but the compensating leg hurt like punches. And my hips were like two pieces of glass trying to mate with granite. I felt wobbly all errand long, and my ankles were acting up similarly too. Now there's a storm finally thundering in and I'm hoping this helps with my issues. I can't remember if I've discussed this hip, joint pain thing with doctors before, or if it falls under fibromyalgia, or if they think it's fibro or what. But right now I feel like an abused Barbie doll in the hips.

ETA: Pudendal neuralgia, Piriformis syndrome, lower spine spasming/throbbing/radiating pain?

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Willow
Date: 06:56PM | Mon, May 17th | 2010
Subject: OW
Security: Public
Tags:health: physical, pain scale 9

Typing one handed - shoulder feels like it's dislocating in painful slow impact, slow motion. still some stuff I wanted out of Cleaner's way (will oit happen?). No clue about food - can barely think.

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Willow
Date: 06:50PM | Mon, April 20th | 2009
Subject: Indescribable.
Security: Public
Tags:about me, health: physical, pain scale 9

Today...

I got my shelf delivery just as I got into bed, so that was pretty cool. I didn't miss it. And the delivery included peanut butter granola bars, which is also cool.

Not cool is straining for sleep for the past 6 hours.I don't think it got very restful because i couldn't get comfortable. Too much pain. I finally kind of bunched my heating pad up by my neck and that kind of helped for a little bit. I had a kind of dream, no doubt influenced by upstairs playing music.

I took OTC painkillers,even though I'm currently wondering if they're to blame for some of my health being wonky. Cause life's just screwed up like that. Take pain killers and muscle relaxants and you feel better, while it possibly damages your liver. Which just sets off a host of other things. (I'll be borrowing a couple books from the library because I'd rather deal with food as medicine for self healing and keep my prescriptions for things my body just doesn't manufacture - or in enough amounts).

But I am no longer sure how I'm meant to get through April Showers. I need to be able to get to the doctors' office - but that's unlikely to happen if this pain continues. And I need change if I'm to call assisted mobility. They only take cash and specific amounts. Getting cash? Requires me to get to the area where my doctors' offices already are.

And I still need to put the shelves together and put stuff on them and...

First step right now? Finish eating the granola bars cause my jaw hurts.

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Willow
Date: 07:16PM | Wed, April 9th | 2008
Subject: Ow
Security: Public
Mood:hurting hurting
Tags:about me, errands: running around, health: physical, pain scale 9, therapy / therapy day

I am in tears and in pain. I have a referral to get an MRI on my knee and to get physical therapy. It is seriously likely, I have retorn ligaments in my knee.

All day long I've felt like a wounded gazelle on the savannah. Like prey. There was no way to hide this injury from public sitesight. And on my way home, after the medical examination, the stupid bus I took apparently couldn't lower it's front end for disembarkation. And the driver wouldn't use the wheelchair lift. So I hurt things even more getting off the damn bus. To the point where I had to stop several times on my way to the subway, in tears.

Broke down once I got through my front door. I don't react to pain mildly. When I say it hurts. It hurts. It hurt enough for me to be curt with my doctor about how I felt about how I'd been treated regarding pain management and weight and sugar issues.

Right now I'm shaking and trembling and crying. It hurt so much just to get home! Obviously I couldn't stop for groceries. And I'm glad I didn't force myself. Carrying things in my backpack would have been beyond unwise.

I'm not sure what I'll do for groceries. I don't trust my old supermarket, which delivered. Maybe I'll see if Safeway delivers and if they have what I need at a reasonable price. Because leaving the house until next week? Not happening.

The clinic didn't have a cane for me or a brace. The doctor is going to order a knee sleeve, but that won't arrive for several days. In the meantime I'm going to contact a different pharmacy and see what they suggest and try and get my doctor to order -that-. Since a knee sleeve sounds somewhat useless.

Oh yeah, and limping is putting stress on my other knee.

More thoughts when I can concentrate better. But yeah, I spent 15$ on not a very good burger for lunch, because I hadn't had anything all day and I couldn't walk another step. Had to buy where I was. PLUS my therapist was out sick today, so it's a good thing I had a doctor's appt or I might have curled in a ball in a corner of the office and wept because of the effort it took to get there. They did call apparently, but I couldn't sleep last night because of the pain, so I was really focused on getting out of the house this morning and didn't even turn on the computer far less check for voicemail.

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By Any Other Name
of Willow
January 2016