By Any Other Name
the tale of Willow

Date: 08:17AM | Wed, August 22nd | 2012
Subject: So... Mortal Kombat: Legacy
Security: Public
Tags:question everything

Apparently that viral video/movie (please make it thingy) of a realistic Mortal Kombat, became a web series. Yeah yeah, good to see Jeri Ryan getting work (outside of guest appearances in say Leverage) and an Jai White - whoo! But uhm, Kitana and Mileena. Why is the 'non good twin' more visibly/recognizably* East Asian? Why were the King and Queen white? Shao Kahn, white? But Shang Tsung, a 'magical' bad guy, visibly Asian? And then they tell you 'the twins were identifical in every way except...' - one was evil. The one that looks visibly Asian. The hell?

*It occurs to me I'm not phrasing this right. No clue how to, however. Pointers welcome. Easily recognizeable as (East)Asian? Recognizalbe to general clueless audiences as (East) Asian? And I keep having to add the East in there, because I realize I'm thinking broad terms in Asian, but what I'm really wanting to discuss is East Asian seeming attributes. Grr arrgh, ugh - maybe it's easier just not to watch and stop trying to explain what I'm seeing and how it's irking/bugging/ grating on me.

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Date: 07:55AM | Fri, February 10th | 2012
Subject: I'm Think I'm Having A 'Zvi I Need Perspective' Moment
Security: Public
Mood:confused confused
Tags:question everything

So there's this thing, going around - I just saw it today - about a father who shoots his daughter's laptop, as part of the punishment for her posting a rant on facebook that she attempted to hide from him. Annnnd there's people both applauding it, and claiming it's childabuse, violence and that the family needs serious counseling etc... The youtube video is here. I found it via tumblr actually (don't have one of my own, but occasionally look at a few). Anyway, like the title says, I'm wondering if I need perspective; because I don't think the video is particularly abusive.

I had the experience last year, of realizing that despite everything that goes on within my family, and the high stress on the nature of privacy, the sanctitiy of privacy etc, my little brother still ended up putting some stuff up on youtube that my mother knew nothing about - thus endangering himself. It brought home to me, that the integration of certain technologies with generational differences can, perhaps, warp concepts. I know definitely that people's perceptions of what is private have changed, and that's without Mark Zuckerberg declaring privacy is dead and for criminals.

But anyway, this girl posted on facebook, ranting about her parents; about needing to pour them coffee, and doing chores, and a bunch of other things. And I suppose on the one hand, her frustration is every teenager's frustration, caught between adulthood and childhood - wanting more freedom to direct their hours than they have.

At the same time, I can't help thinking that posting on facebook, is the equivalent to badmouthing your parents - not just among your peers which is normal. But on a church bulletin, a supermarket bulletin, the town paper and more. The level of disrespect grows exponentially the more people have access to your words and thoughts; especially when the further away they are from the original poster the less context they have of the OP's life.

There are people saying this father violated her privacy. But I keep thinking - no he didn't. She willingly gave her father, an IT professional, her laptop for him to fix. When people take their laptops (heck computers in general) in for fixing, they usually do their best to take personal information off. But I suppose she thought she didn't have to, because it was her father. But the action of giving someone your computer to repair it, knowing they have to install programs, possibly install hardware etc; you're willingly giving up your privacy for a service.

So I'm thinking, yeah, in the midst of installing everything she wanted, and testing it to see it worked. It makes sense he'd end up with access to certain things. And, he did. Moreover, this is apparently not the 1st time she's disrespected her parents thusly on facebook. AND been caught.

Her father talks about how upset he is by her disrespect, by her using cursewords in regards him, her mother and her stepmother. He talks about having just spent 6 hrs out of his day, and $130 sorting out her laptop. And I end up feeling generationally removed, because I keep thinking; having a laptop is a privilege, not a right. Having a father who willingly spends money on software you need, is a privilege and a gift. Having one willing to install all that stuff for you, and fix any virus problems you have, etc (because loading software doesn't take 6 hrs), is another privilege and gift.

There are people calling this man a shitty parent. Who're making all sorts of talk about abuse and what must REALLY go on in that household. And I just don't see it. I think it's entirely possible that this is the 1st major time he's flipped his lid and been TOUGH. That she's had it easy, because he DIDN'T have it easy (he discusses in the video) and she's crossed the line from growing into adulthood into a disrespect she can't even fathom because she's caught up in herself and likely the opinions of her friends.

After all, it's not just PARENTS who have influence in their children's lives. It's their peers, it's society via culture, pop culture, etc... My littlest brother ended up watching more tv than the rest of us (Disney Channel) and even with similar parenting basics, he's very different. His context is very different. He somehow MISSED the 'you don't put your underage self up on youtube'. Is that a failure in parenting? Perhaps. But I end up thinking, it's usually only called a 'failure in parenting' when the underage child gets snatched, or runs out to meet up w/ someone and gets killed, etc. Otherwise it's a mistake, cause there's no parenting manual and hopefully is rectified in time.

So here I am, thinking this girl has no idea of the privileges she has. She feels entitled. And whether or not her parents encouraged that (under who knows what guise - thinking they were supporting confidence, I don't even know) the end result is she pushed a line that had been marked out for her to NOT CROSS. So yeah, he shot her computer. And filmed it. And posted the video on her facebook page, so that his actions could reverberate with as many ripples as her disrespectful mostly public rant. He wanted to get her attention. He wanted to get the attention of any of her peers who might have encouraged her thinking.

And as comes across in the video. He didn't just go chaotic. He printed out her words. He likely has copies. He talked this over with her mother (and given that he mentions a stepmother, it means he and her other biological co-parent, discussed what was going to happen to her across BOTH their households).

And to me, the fact that he'd just spent 6hrs FIXING her computer, means it makes perfect sense to me that he'd destroy it. Not just take it away. Or sell it. But destroy it. To show her that her disrespect had been so great, it overcomes the effort and care he'd put in in those 6 hrs for her sake. And that now she's lost not just the privilege of having a laptop, but the data that he might have tried to save for her, etc. Along with his respect for her.

And I guess, I guess a part of me really flinches at a 'OMG what kind of parent!', this is all his fault. He and her mother haven't parented her properly. It makes me feel as if they're discussing some mechanical equation where the child has no personality, or outside source interference and no will. Good parent automatically equals good kid. Which when flipped means bad parent automatically equals bad kid. And considering I know so many people with bad parents who turned out to be good kids - I think my subconscious is screaming in a kind of rage. Not to mention with you stick prejudices and racism in there, then if a certain kind of parent is always bad, their kids are always bad and tadah, hellooooo prison industrial complex.

This is all further compounded by the links I put up a few days back about Caribbean" parents. I was talking about it to Zvi on the phone, and she found it harsh. But she also mentioned the actions sound like things her grandparents might have done to her parents, not things her generation would have experienced. Which leads me back to wondering about my theory that the Caribbean is often a generation behind in certain things, as compared to say, the USA.

Is it the generational difference that I'm experiencing, where I am a 'grandparent' in my reactions as compared to others viewing this video who're going 'OMG child abuse!'. Cause I grew up in the context of 'Go cut a switch'. 'Go get the belt'. And variations on 'You think you're grown?'

My experience with US parents, is that when things get difficult, a lot of them seem to 'send their children off'; boarding school, military school, discipline camps, etc. So somehow it's alright if STRANGERS put the fear of the heavens into their children, but not them themselves?

Meanwhile I fully admit my childhood household has issues, thus I know my thinking had issues. But this particular example doesn't fall within the issues at all.

ETA: Having talked this over a bit with a non!Zvi friend, I'm forming the conclusion that there are emotional and verbal cues as well that singal, to me, violence. And I just don't see them in the vid. Thus, despite the fact that it's a gun. And guns do and should scare me. I ended up thinking of it as a tool, like a cutlass or a sledgehammer. Something that could properly destroy that laptop casing.

ETA: Re - The Caribbean being a generation behind. I tend to feel a generation removed from most USians. I tend to find I have more in common with people's grandparents (esp older black USians) and that sometimes my outlook is similar to theirs - my ideas of propriety etc. Certain... strictures I guess, a long hand letter vs email mentality on some aspects, manners on another and a whole host of things. I say this even though I'm far better w/ email than snailmail.

Anyway, I don't know if the phrase is generation behind, generation removed, or if what I'm talking about is the holding on of things that USians have cast aside or modified or what. But my comment/thought/feelings is not meant to represent the Caribbean as a whole, or the concept that the Caribbean and or everyone else not USian or European is on a path to head towards them.

ETA: Comments closed on Feb 11th.

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Date: 08:55PM | Thu, November 3rd | 2011
Subject: --
Security: Public
Mood:I think I'm angry or at least upset I think I'm angry or at least upset
Tags:online: support network, question everything, wtf!

There are people on LJ who mean a lot to me. So I have an rss feed program on my desktop, I use auth=digest and I read all their posts that I can access; open and public, general flock or filtered. I can email them or PM them when something comes up and I want to check in on them without commenting. I've been through a lot this week, and no one who's not directly involved somehow has contacted me. Because it hasn't been read. Because it takes a click from DW to see the public posts and apparently you have to be on iJay to see the flocked or filtered ones. I have issues with DW not meeting or matching my needs. So this is where I am. But for the past two days I've felt very much alone and unseen by people I thought did see me. I've wondered at my commitment to them and whether it goes the other way around.

If the case is that I am self isolating, by not being on the same network - if an online relationship with me is too taxing due to having to click, or having a bookmark or setting up an auth-digest rss feed? Then I should probably be considering where to put my energy in future. Online support networks aren't very supportive if they're only around when things are easy.

I did not realize that even online, when you move away from 'the neighbourhood' things end like you're five years old and don't know how to write and use a stamp.

ETA: My current anger is only about 30% displaced. I've felt like this for a while. It's just really hitting home with these current circumstances. And no, contacting me now that this post is practically a 'check things out' neon sign - won't make me feel differently towards people.

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Date: 03:02PM | Sat, July 30th | 2011
Subject: This Is About Me. Only Me. There Is Stimuli & I Have A Reaction. This Is Purely About Me.
Security: Public
Mood:not nice not nice
Tags:health: mental, question everything

Everywhere I turn around on my reading list on DW, I'm seeing **** triggers and lots and lots of 'I side with the victim'. And it makes me twitch. And it's been highly, HIGHLY upsetting. And I've tried to avoid it and just move on. Cause how I feel, feels really, really, wrong - though if I could make myself read any of it, maybe I'd get the missing pieces to fill in the parts that do make me twitch. Maybe I wouldn't end up thinking, it's great people are so supportive but is anyone else even pondering the timing of it all? Maybe I'd find out why there are people speaking for the survivor (the whole use of victim makes me want to rip my skin off and I've yet to figure out why - other than with people speaking for and the constant use of the world victim I end up wanting to stab things).

Stream of Conciousness Evaluation Of Emotions )

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Date: 09:41AM | Tue, May 31st | 2011
Subject: WTH World? Didn't I Outgrow This?
Security: Public
Tags:health: physical, question everything

I wish I understood if there was any correlation between stopping dairy and my current eye problems and extra sneezing and grump everytime I open my bedroom door and see the cat. Just attempted to vacuum. Am now sneezy and runny eyed. Grr. And of course the cat once again doesn't understand why I'm being avoidy. She must keeps trying to pet and pat me and climb up for her lovings.

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Date: 02:33AM | Fri, May 13th | 2011
Subject: Quick Question
Security: Public
Tags:obi-flist-kenobi, question everything

So apparently Wiscon is having something called a Genderfloomp party. And apparently the point is for people to dress gender queer, or gender fluid or someting? And Ican't figure out if my reaction is because I associate Wiscon with automatic fail, or if there's something iffy with 'dressing up gender fluid' akin to 'dressing up as a certain ethnicity' - appropriative somehow, and with disregard to the lives and/or situations of the people one is emulating? Copying? Etc.

Right now I'm hoping this is just my brain going 'Wiscon - Ugh'.

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Date: 10:26PM | Mon, April 25th | 2011
Subject: Ow but Yay! But ow.
Security: Public
Tags:health: physical, question everything

It seems the more weight I loose, especially off my stomach, the more problems I have sleeping, the more neck pain I have (now blossoming to shoulder pain) the more back pain I end up having later in the day. And it ruins my sleep schedule because I'm not sleeping as fully as I could, and then when I do wake up, I don't want to move, because I'm trying to stretch and have a few minutes as pain free as possible in bed.

So here I am, back staring at pillows on, to try and get an idea of what might work for me. When I was younger, a fiber filled pillow was what worked for me. And I've never gotten around to buying a case to stuff the fiber into to try and reclaim the torn thing. BUT, would it even work for me now?? My body is obviously changing in all sorts of ways. Heck, the fullsize bed I got in January is started to feel small. My toes are dangling off the edge, cause I need to sleep low down enough to stretch my arms in my sleep.

Wish I knew enough about cervical neck pillows to know if I just need one of those. Cervical roll?

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Date: 12:27AM | Tue, February 8th | 2011
Subject: Being Grown Up?
Security: Public
Tags:question everything, thinky thoughts

Is this what age/experience/wisdom is? I'm watching an anime, the characters go to use the oven for the first time. It doesn't work. They peer in to see if anything is wrong, one of them then smacks the oven on the top. The oven starts working, and then proceeds to explode. The landlord shows up. I sit there thinking the landlord rented them the place with broken and dangerous equipment and fixing, repairing and/or replacing the oven is the landlord's responsibility. The kids in the anime, are frightened they have damaged things and will be kicked out.

I am all "What stove/oven can't take a good whack?" There are heavy pots and pans, people sometimes drop things, closing the oven door is sometimes a good whack in itself.

Ok, I feel a little better now. The anime landlord (landlady, actually) is making them clean up the mess in the apt, but has admitted she failed to maintain the oven/equipment.

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Date: 01:08AM | Thu, January 27th | 2011
Subject: This Is A List Of Complaints.
Security: Public
Tags::{ grumpy face, books, i will cut somebody, question everything, wtf!

* I am fed up with teenagers who want to be 'normal' and have 'normal lives' even though they have varied above normal abilities

* I am fed up with 'just a normal/ordinary/every day' boy or girl description of the protagonist in summary, and protagonist of course is white, middle class and usually blonde.

* I am fed up with reading 'Until/And Then/But....; The eye poppingly hot/studly seductive/ seriously sexy/sizzling/hunky or some other OMG BE JEALOUS intro description of, usually but not always, the male in a book summary. It makes me forget I like romance. Cause I do. I like reading about characters getting to know one another better, and finding similarities in points of view and politics and family life etc, and growing closer and emotions running deeper.

The superficial trophy significant other due to looks, power, etc... UGH. SO MUCH DAMN UGH.

* I am tired of torture porn and gore in thrillers parading as mysteries. I do not have a serial killer fetish. I am tired of serial killer this and serial killer that.

*(Spoiler Blanked / Somewhat Triggery) If your book is a romance, even a historical gay romance? I don't need on page 3 to be reading about 'And then I sodomized him' followed by descriptions of pain and someone's overwhelming lust despite their partner's discomfort. Even as a memory!

Things that cannot be controlled - all the prexisting books of cis, hetero, male fantasy wishfulfilmen, where some barbarian/young man/whatever has to save the day, or at least is village, while growing into or showing off his already 'mighty thews' blah blah blah, with extra inborn nobility/political savvy/etc... blah blah.

Sigh. I have other complaints, but right now, while in pain, and wanting comfort, I once again sought out books and stories. And once again my soul cried out NO! I've been all twitchy about anime too (and anime is where I go when Euro/US tv makes me want to claw at my poor skull).

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Date: 08:25PM | Wed, January 19th | 2011
Subject: Distracting myself from what's in my head (Being Human tv thoughts)
Security: Public
Tags:meta, question everything, thinky thoughts, tv (not in the mood to put it into a link) - I was at the blog for reasons unrelated to Being Human and on reading that individual's initial thoughts (haven't finished yet) I find myself thinking of The Show In Your Head.

OP states: "an hour to establish the motivations of its characters, and defines them in terms of what they are avoiding, not what they seek".

And that is so the opposite of what I saw. So much so, it is the opposite of the reason I want to see next week's episode,and hope that I continue to like what I see.

OP states: "the emo-pire doesn’t want to feed off live humans. The emo-wolf doesn’t want his relatives to know that he’s a werewolf. The emo-ghost doesn’t want to leave her ludicrously underpriced two-story apartment."

And I read that and went; Aidan is struggling for independence and if he can have self-control/personal autonomy, pleasure/community AND independence. To me it is so much more than 'not feeding on humans'. Maybe I'm basing it all on the actor and what his work brought across the screen to me; shame, guilt, longing, yearning, loneliness...

Josh, to me, is struggling with redifining his life, and doing so in a way that is more than mere survival. I see so many parallels in this; how people redefine themselves and search after any major trauma (rape, injury, becoming seriously ill). And it is difficult for me not to think that is the point, when his storyline seems to involve his sister who is also trying to define her life as a gay woman.

And Sally... so far she seems to be about figuring out how to grieve and redefine herself after a (romantic) loss. How to move on in singular after coming to think of oneself as part of a duo.

All three are dealing with loss of self, and trying to start over.

I admit that my thoughts on what I saw in the British version seemed very much about 'Angsty reluctant vampire/vampire leader, directionless werewolf, and helper girl ghost'. The show in my head via the British version, sucked. The canadian version doesn't. And it is fascinating to me about what I found appealing, what I 'watched' vs what this other individual watched.

Even his thoughts on Adian's sire, have me going 'What?' and boggling. Because I thought that was a masterful bit of passive-aggression manipulation, all psedo acceptance and forgiveness with the hook of being in the fold, being in the family equals giving up control, becoming addicted to being an extension of someone else's power. Familial dysfunction at its MOST.

Is this what is meant by 'high concepts that go over the majority's heads' ? Is this about what a particular individual brings to the art (how they interpret); Like the reader whose personal situation with her paternal unit coloured her perspective on Harry Dresden #12 and character responses therein? Is it about what the actors brought to the roles?

And also related/triggered by this all - Is this what is meant by a writer/artist having to create for themselves and their satisfaction, because there is no guarantee that it will translate to others? So focus on your vision/message/etc... or get lost trying forever to please myriad people who want what THEY want, from one piece of artwork?

ETA: **pokes Kita**


ETA / Post Kita:  )

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Date: 08:51PM | Wed, November 24th | 2010
Subject: Gonna Have A Limp For Thanksgiving - So Let's Distract
Security: Public
Tags:comfort reading, question everything, wtf!, wth?

Off topic of my week of irky-itchy-brainfunky-crapola... Let's talk about Mercedes Lackey and a terrible, horrible episode I had this week. I think I may have outgrown her and it makes me want to pee my pants in terror. Or rather, that I may have outgrown the old books. You see, my favourite arc in the Valdemare series is the one concerning Talia. And, well, this time I read it and wanted to pull out my damn hair. (Also later on I'm going to talk about a SciFi Channel Movie w/ Joe Lando & Claudia Christian that was just horrible).

On the off chance someone hasn't read Arrows... )

And now the SCIFI Movie In case anyone dislikes being spoiled for one of those )

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Date: 10:26PM | Sun, November 21st | 2010
Subject: Random Thought
Security: Public
Tags:question everything, random, thinky thoughts

In a society where a woman's worth and usefulness and security was measured by her father and her husband, and where she was usually given no avenue for success and accomplishment on her own - why then, if not a disreguard and dislike of women, begrudge women utilizing what tools they did have, for the one goal they were allowed to have; namely landing a good husband.

There's all this "women will trap men in marriage, trick them, manipulate them, hide their true selves" etc... But if that's the only goal women (white women) are allowed to have, the only skills they're supposed to have, why the dislike at them doing exactly what they've been told they can/are allowed/are expected to do?

That's a lot of damned if you don't (poor spinster), damned if you do (coniving woman).

And that's not even getting into all the aspects of women marrying for security, not love or sex and men then being unhappy to be married to women who 'put up' with them sexually and are mostly plantonically amiable if willing to bear children (for her further security).

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Date: 06:49PM | Sun, November 21st | 2010
Subject: How Sometimes My Brain Is Not My Own
Security: Public
Mood:contemplative contemplative
Tags:question everything

Natasha Henstridge was in the SciFi movie IMPACT, on the Scifi Channel yesterday. All while watching it, I found myself having the unusual reaction of going 'ooh, curves' and then noticing the body belonged to Hestridge and going 'oh, did she gain weight/ she got fat?' and then catching myself. Her body shape in the movie is one I find attractive. But I couldn't put it together with all the other images I'd seen of her where she was much thinner. I don't have it all worked out yet, but there's something in there about propaganda, promotion, fatphobia, women's body images etc...

Because it really disturbed me that I couldn't stop thinking about it. I think Sara Rue looked much better when she was curvier. That's my perception of attractive. I get that. My major deal with her shilling weight loss stuff, is how obvious it is even in those commecials that her problem was less about her weight and more about her perception of her weight 'I was ashamed to leave the house' is a whole bunch of peer pressure and fatphobic attacks and self esteem, to my mind.

But again, back to me catching myself judging/wondering/thinking about Natasha Henstridge's weight, wondering about pregnancies and breast feeding and her personal life all because of the shape of her body and how it differed from the last time I'd seen her on screen. I can't tell if it was a healthy curiosity or if there even can be healthy curiosity about the the well being of an individual who's not a part of one's own community. Was it healthy curiosity or something else? Was I judging her body? Her fashion/wardrobe - the choices picked for her for the movie?

Where exactly comes the thoughts that the weight shift-> she's aging well - etc... Why is it any of my business?

Which leads me back to Sara Rue. Why IS it any of my business what happens with her weight? Can I think I don't like the message being put across, or the issues I don't think are being dealt with, without judging HER? Without thinking she looked better when she... or healthier when she... I mean if she is actually happy and doing well, and ISN'T part of my community or family - why does it matter?

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Date: 04:08PM | Wed, November 17th | 2010
Subject: Thanksgiving 1 and Thanksgiving 2
Security: Public
Tags:question everything, rambling

It took me by surprise today to read something mentioning Indigenous Americas Peoples, Appropriation and Thanksgiving. I found myself thinking 'Oh yeah, the whole pilgrims and natives lie'. But it cemented to me that the day, Thanksgiving has come to mean something else to me completely. I'm not sure how good or bad this is, actually.

Thanksgiving became, in strong part due to Zvi's family, a day of giving thanks. a yearly feast about family celebration, good food, reflection and togetherness. And because I spent Thanksgiving and Christmas with them for so many years, it became Thanksgiving Part 1 and then a month later, Thanksgiving Part 2. Thanksgiving Part 2, has gift giving (which in my head is why there's a month between the two).

It's goofy tv shows, and interesting things to eat, and traditions; ceremony, cooking, putting up decorations etc... It's about family and who's there and who isn't and why they couldn't make it, and prayers and good thoughts and laughter and togetherness. It's about elders and sweet smelling fireplaces, snarking about movies, talking about books, recipe exchanges and discussions on wine.

This attitude helped when I spent a day of Thanksgiving 2 with my mother's family. Because being focused on laid back family gathering changed how I interacted with everyone and I think that helped me. It also meshed perfectly when I spent Thanksgiving 2 with my Dad's family - because it was practically the same, just in a different place; food, talk, wine, beer, recipies, giggles, communion and love.

I'm not sure if I've made these two holidays my own thing, so I can celebrate them without feeling uncomfortable and if that's disrespectful to the contentions that go on during both holidays. I know when I see reminders of the supposed pilgrim + native togetherness, I roll my eyes and a flood of history runs behind them.

Of course, I also think Columbus Day isn't Columbus Day unless he's burned in eggify after being pelted with rotten eggs and someone's stated the list of atrocities he helped bring about. I wonder if Columbus Day for me, is what Thanksgiving (part 1) is for those others who're beyond sick and tired at lies about their peoples, family, bloodline, clan, etc.

Wow this got random.

Is it possible to make a holiday into something else? I know people make their own holidays all the time. I still can't believe 'Talk Like A Pirate Day' actually made it onto calenders. But that's not the same as taking a different meaning from a holiday likely celebrated by other people for different reasons (maybe not even reasons they think about at all anymore).


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Date: 06:16AM | Sat, October 30th | 2010
Subject: Before I Forgot
Security: Public
Tags:about my mother, question everything, the world: 2010, wtf!, wth?

I know I'm not doing that well, and perhaps the universe is trying to be compassionate, when my mother basically says in a conversation;

"There's this girl I know, who was in a serious relationship a few years ago, and then broke it and it was all sad. But I ran into her the other day and she's doing so much better blah blah blah and do you want me to give you her number?"

That's right. My mother, my mother, my mother, did a bit of a 'set you up with someone'. A someone who is female.


Munch on that.

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Date: 11:09PM | Sat, September 25th | 2010
Subject: ... Video + Artist + Judgemental Society
Security: Public
Tags:media: tv, question everything

So, I finally saw the video to 'Window Seat' by Erykah Badu. I knew what was going to happen in the end, so I just kept getting more and more uncomfortable as things progressed. I couldn't even focus on the words of the song, because I just kept thinking about portrayals of mental illness. And then at the end with the voice over about 'they attack what they do not understand' I was left going - I have no idea how to feel or even think about this, because I'm not sure what was invoked, for me, was what she expected to invoke.

I was struck, however, by the voice at the end - is it saying 'too big' ?

Also the youtube video comments are all about her bodyshape and size and I just kept thinking when I noticed that, that - whatever else is/was whirling through my mind kindof screeched to a halt.

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Date: 04:21AM | Tue, July 13th | 2010
Subject: Before I Forget
Security: Public
Mood:awake awake
Tags:consumer culture everywhere, errands: shopping, question everything, wtf!

At the beginning of the year, or thereabouts, I discovered Pillsbury Simply; supposedly natural cookies with the ingredient label as: Flour, sugar, eggs, butter, milk, vanilla essence, and chocolate chips. I checked the label today because i was considering treating myself after my doctor's appointment. Guess how much the ingredients have changed?

For one thing, there's no longer any butter. And vanilla essence has been replaced with 'natural flavours'. I wish I had a camera or camera phone to take a picture so I could get it all exactly correct. But I found myself saying of course. Hook people onto your brand, with them thinking it's healthier or purer and closer to what they want. Then when enough months pass, slip in the cheap stuff; hydrogenated oils etc... because at that point they've associated the brand with something good. They're unlikely, statistically, to look at the back and see the ingredients have changed.

Unfortunately I did look at the back, because I couldn't remember the sugar content and tadah! It's no logner 6-8 simple ingredients anymore.

Bait. And. Switch. Y'all.

Bait. And. Switch.

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Date: 01:58AM | Mon, February 1st | 2010
Subject: Cause I Want To Slap You
Security: Public
Mood:get offa my lawn! get offa my lawn!
Tags::{ grumpy face, question everything, technology, wtf!, wth?

Dear varied anonymous (and not so anonymous) people salivating over Apple's portable larger screened device,

The Japanese have had those capabilities, without Apple's hobbling, for around three years now, possibly five. In fact just this past December I was salivating over the possibility of a CHUWI 300 (and I desperately want the manufacturers to work out the programming and slight hardware problem that meant it couldn't get rebranded with english menus here in the States).

My CHUWI offered me a camera, portable pdf files, wifi access and the ability to read manga, comics (in colour) and books. Listen to music. And watch videos.

Yes, the iPad is the next logical step for Apple. But after all, considering they take ideas completed and in the public's hands in Japan and then respin them and simplify them for American hands - of course the next step was logical.

Meanwhile y'all are going to be paying who knows what for the iPad, if it's not subsidized by some telephone carrier and carrying on like you did when 3G networks hit the US - again 3 years later than Japan.

I honestly don't think I'm a Japanophile in denial. I think I'm just a baby gadget geek. But I seriously want to smack people for, in my eyes, worshipping at the altar of Apple. Especially because so many of you I see, talk about some device of Apple's crapping out on you, or about a friend you know whose device got bricked and the hellish customer service and how Apple's changed over the years and they make their devices disposable - BUT YOU ARE GEEKING OUT LIKE YOU'RE GETTING PAID for something that's sure to bring you frustration down the road.

And yes, if you're getting the idea I chose that metaphore on purpose. The similarities to churches and religious organizations is not an accident.

And also yes, I realize I'm coming from a place of privilege, in that I like research, I have internet access and I'm not afraid to spend hours researching every other word in a description so I can understand what's going on. But since the bulk of you have the same opportunities I do to catch a clue, it all seems very sheeple to me. I cannot believe the 'general public' really thinks Apple is the only company out there to create mobile internet & personal media device. There isn't only one company that makes your fridge or your stove or even your car. So why think there's only one company for the device that does what you want? Are the combined powers of advertising and brand establishment that strong?

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Date: 09:08PM | Mon, December 14th | 2009
Subject: Too Tired
Security: Public
Tags:energy level 2.5, personal is political, question everything

I was originally excited to subscribe to the Tiny House Blog. I'd re-embraced my love of small spaces, a sense of cosiness, a certain chic elegatarian style of living; simplistic and unwasteful and hopefully sustainable. I've been subscribe for about a month and a half now, possibly a bit more and I keep seeing the same things.

1. The need to be a certain economic/social class to even try to have this dream.

2. Or to be incredibly poor and brown and need an organization full of white people to create this dream and sell it to you.

3. An utter lack of accomadation for the disabled; tiny houses have no width for wheelchairs, no ramps to get into them, no consideration as to how to have a small space that includes crutches, canes, walkers, or manual or power mobility devices.

When I come to look at small spaces and dream and marvel, I want to rest. I don't want to think of having to pick up the baton/torch/speaking stick/drum/you name it. So I'm just going to unsubscribe, regretfully but with respect for myself. The places I go to to recharge cannot be addtional places to have to speak up about not seeing myself or people I know reflected anymore.

Not to mention the weird quirk of realizing that you have to be middle class/have access to a certain measure of money in order to live simply in the first place. Live simply as in intentinally, vs making do with a touch of innovation because one is poor.

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Date: 06:10AM | Wed, November 18th | 2009
Subject: Going The Eff Back To Bed
Security: Public
Mood:indescribable indescribable
Tags:discomfort scale 8, fibromyalgia, health: physical, question everything

Hip Pain - > Often Caused By Sciatica

Sciatica - > Often Caused By A Slipped Disc

Slipped Disc - > When I Was Eleven

(Growing)Pain / Body Not Feeling Trustworthy - > Ever Since I Was Eleven

Back Pain/Spasms, Neck Pain Spasms, History of Migraines - > Numerous

History of Knee & Ankle Problems -> Numerous

History of Car Accidents - > Yes

Mentions To Doctor Of All Of This - > Numerous

Frustration At Having To 'Google' My Symptoms To Truly Know WTF Is Wrong With Me? -> Enormous

Urge To Punch All Medical Professionals In The Face - Overwhelming


Fibromyalgia Related To Spinal Injury -> Yes


I am no longer sure I give a damn about 'professional' diagnosis if I can find deeper explanations on why my body's been falling apart for years. And I've spent too much of 2009 trying to tell myself I'm not lazy, and I'm not tired - I'm reacting to pain and that's why I'm avoiding things/doing less. I originally filtered this flocked, but someone else journaling about their experiences actually helped me get to this point. So passing the verification that this IS happening forward, I guess.

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Date: 03:30AM | Fri, August 7th | 2009
Subject: What's On The News
Security: Public
Tags:a bundle of thoughts, question everything

So apparently some crazy white dude, upset with being a crazy, isolated white dude went on some kind of rampage and killed a bunch of women. Apparently he also had some fucked up ideas about race (enough to be mentioned on the news). And this is the most sensational part that's being discussed.

I am so effing glad I had to figure this out through two separate mentions on two separate blogs. Cause it's probably all over the tv, and blah blah blah.

One blog finds the man pitiable and thinks he identified in some ways with blacks. Another thinks his disdain goes further than even faux journalism (especially tv) dares mention, because of the lack of mention of black women. Oddly enough a commenter in the first blog I mention, pointed that out too, that he was obsessed with white women. That commenter, however, also pointed out that Nevada has prostitution and so does Cambodia. So I'm not thinking there's particular brilliance there.

Teabaggers, Birthers, Police Brutality, People Calling Universal Health Care Socialism (and apparently confusing it with Communism) - all not anything exactly miss worthy.

I am curious though - all those individuals who were breathes away from losing their homes and who had to watch banks be bailed out with millions (to go to bonuses) - is there anything on the news about them? Or uhm, the state of the highway system in the US? Or perhaps education?

I'm just curious

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Date: 01:08AM | Fri, July 24th | 2009
Subject: Apparently I Have Thoughts On Healthcare
Security: Public
Tags:health: physical, question everything, the world: 2009

Le Thoughts )

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Date: 06:19PM | Thu, June 4th | 2009
Subject: Old Fandoms, New Fans + What's My Fic Genre?
Security: Public
Mood:confused confused
Music:The Start Of Something - Britannia High
Tags:about me, fandom: culture, fandom: gen, question everything

I mentioned rediscovering Alien Nation, in that I'm seeing so much more and being fulfilled as a fan, a viewer, and a lover of SF. So I've been trying to make a list of other shows I enjoyed when I was younger.

* She Wolf of London (The Tv Series) - I liked it a lot when they were in London. It didn't fit for me so much when they moved to LA. I didn't bother to hunt it down much then. I can't remember much about it, other than being wonderfully cheesey (Oz's wolf suit had nothing on the She Wolf's) but liking it because the girl was the brawn and sometimes also the brains, the guy was geeky and not assumed to be physically strong. And I remember mutual saving. Then there's the fact that it was the first time I'd ever seen the thought that a woman could survive a werewolf attack. It'd always been male werewolves before.

Neither Netflix or Amazon show any mention of it, however, so I'm thinking it might be something to ask on the fannish grapevine for possible tapes. Though I will check torrents first.

M.A.N.T.I.S - Carl Lumby. 'Nuff said.

Robocop - The Series - I can't remember much about this one, honestly. I remember liking the futuristic city and being confused but curious about the concept of a city owned by a corporation. I was really young at the time and many Americanisms went sailing over my head. Doesn't seen to be much available for it either, though I found the intro series on youtube.

The 90's were... )

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Date: 12:55AM | Wed, May 27th | 2009
Subject: Insurance Help?
Security: Public
Tags:errands: house stuff, obi-flist-kenobi, question everything

I have something of a psychological block with some insurance companies. Allsate and Statefarm make me hiss and spit as if they were Tor. All I think of when I think of them is how much trouble they gave my family after the fire ten years ago. And while the main problem seemed to be lack of enough family photos showing all of our belongings (who takes pics of their basement?) - I still loathe them.

And I'm still really, really wary of other insurers. And it doesn't take much at all to find people talking about nasty agents and arbiters, with horrible service and consequences for many, many companies.

So what I wonder is this - Should I go for a completely irrational choice? Screw shopping around and price comparison? Is that very unwise? Because the one company I want to use, wasn't part of my family's lives because of insurance, but for extended benefits/other aspects of the company. And I only have positive associations with them. It's like some long ago seed of brand loyalty has manifested into one big ass redwood.

Brand loyalty vs pragmatic economics (et al) - it doesn't seem very adult at all to make such a choice on the side of good feelings. Especially when I'm aware that this company too has complaints online. It's just more difficult for me to factor said complaints into my decision making when weighed against 12-15 years of good feeling.

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Date: 08:58PM | Sun, May 24th | 2009
Subject: More TSCC
Security: Public
Tags:question everything, tv: tscc

When I was a teenager, I couldn't imagine how adults had forgotten what it was like and that it wasn't the best time of one's life. These days, I find myself repeatedly hit with how much I've matured, how much I see the longer/larger picture and how I have a sense of perspective on certain things. I can remember a time I might have thought a thing was larger than the world and adults just didn't understand the underlying dynamics. But these days I find myself thinking more and more of the phrases: In a few years you won't even remember this. Or it's not really that important in the long run, you'll see.

All of this preamble is to say that I want to smack John Connor about the ears and then use a belt on his hide. I feel like I'm becoming my own grandmother when I watch teen characters in film media (books at least can get you inside the head of the teen, following their flawed logic and seeing how they're blind to certain options. Bigups to YA).

Moreover, I feel as if I'm watching this very...rabid? apparent? obvious? not obvious? Ahh, I know, inexplicable reinforcing of gender (binary) identity.

Yes, The Sarah Connor Chronicles does have a strong woman; a mother and soldier. And Summer Glau's character (and yes, she's Terminator Summer Glau in my head - wth is Cameron? That's Summer Glau doing stunt choerography) is physically intimidating and formidable. But at the same time, John's an idiot and I can't help feeling that he's being made an idiot in order to ramp up the testosterone.

Cut for length, very mild spoilers if any at all )



In other news, there's some plotting that doesn't track for me. I haven't watched T2 in years, so maybe that got explained. But was Sarah's supposed insanity ever referenced as a psychotic break due to being a possible target of a serial killer?

Mild spoilers show / Movie references to T1 and T2  )

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Date: 08:10PM | Wed, April 15th | 2009
Subject: I think I'm antisocial. Or something.
Security: Public
Tags:.ijay, online: journaling systems, question everything, wtf!!

Actually I don't think. I've been told by good friends that I am antisocial. But I haven't realized how much until getting a DW account. All of a sudden people I don't know are subscribing to me. And I can't block them the way I would on Twitter. And I'm wondering when the hell did I get so insular and twitching about unknowns reading.

I think 2 years on iJay with a very small readership has me in 'Small Town Mode'. And DW, at least for the moment is a 'Big City'.

*hugs flist here*

So not giving you guys up.

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Date: 08:02PM | Thu, September 4th | 2008
Subject: So....Stupidity
Security: Public
Mood:exhausted exhausted
Tags:books, question everything

So tired I just berated meat in a pot for not cooking, cause I forgot/didn't realized I'd turned back off the stove. The whole thing did, however, jolt my memory to something I jotted down earlier today. I finally found the wherewithal to pick up and start reading an urban fantasy/vampire book I found last month at the library; written by a Latino!

In my first attempts I kept breaking off to consider and jot down thoughts over how I'd do something with vampires. And it didn't help that the book begins with the protagonist involved in the Gulf War (the 2nd one) and those pages were really hard for me to read. But this goes beyond politics and whatever distraction/anxiety/itchy comes with considering writing one's own tale. There came a point in the book where I thought the character was just plain STUPID.

And then I realized it's not the first time I've seen this happen in UF. In fact the only time it HASN'T annoyed me has been Jim Butcher. But that's because his protagonist realizes he's doing something stupid but is shown to think there's either a) no other way to do it or b) he doesn't know how to do it any other way or c) he's at dead ends and something has to get moving, time's running out and lives are in danger. I can handle stupidity when the character knows it's stupid.

What I can't handle is the character does something and it doesn't go as planned, in fact it's incredible disturbing, potentially dangerous in terms of discovery and blatantly showing that all facts are not present. And what does this particular character do? He tries the same move two more times with the same exact results. Then he waltzes into a similar circumstances and tries his same move again and that's doesn't work at all. In this case it's not just a particular move that's being relied on too heavily, it's just a total, TOTAL lack of thinking.

Now I get that some of this is supposed to be a kind of natural cockiness and part of the plot might even be to chip away at that attitude. But it's difficult for me not to go outloud in a doctor's office while reading. "How the heck can someone be this stupid???!"

Basically the character tries to unscrew an electric plug socket (I'm using an analogy here ) and he's grounded and everything, but he not only gets shocked but things catch fire!!!! But then he goes to a different socket and does the same thing. "It's my lucky screw driver." And... he gets shocked and things catch fire. Then he goes to yet a third socket annnnd things catch on fire and he gets shocked PLUS some anonymous drywaller shows up behind him with a nail-gun, intent on getting that socket hole to stay covered.

Does our protagonist think this could be someone who doesn't want him poking behind the walls and wires? Nope. He thinks "Hey, some jerkwad's just a little too eager to use an automatic puncturer of things. I am SO gonna set them straight when this socket mess is all over."

Cue scenario #2. And once again he believes the answer to all his problems lies behind a plug cover. And once again ... well, you know the drill by now.

Is this seriously the only way to move plot forward? To have the protagonist just not... think? Or am I unusual in my levels of paranoia and self preservation?

Using the example of petting a dog and the dog biting one's hand - I know that for me, the minute my so called supernatural charms didn't work to prevent a dog from biting me - I'd be "Holy c rap, what new thing is this?" And if as i pondered that and what to do next, a belligerent dognapper/animal control showed up and decided to come after *me* while the dog ran away? I'd certainly be wondering what in blazes was going on.

But in these books, the Vampires or Werewolves or Demons or whatever, know that to be revealed is the worst thing they can do. They also know the government lies and lies and lies and would happily cut them up like pizza, and who knows what. But they're never worried or suspicious, they breeze right in and figure they won't be noticed; even though they're climbing up walls, turning into bats, and hissing their sibbalants, growing claws and howling at the fricking moon. "Oh , they'll just think I'm eccentric, a furry, born with a lisp."

It's sort of like watching Law & Order when people start talking to the cops. You end up wondering "Does a show like Law & Order not exist in their universe???"

Do government conspiracies; the proven kind (like sterilization and experimentation etc) not exist in books and on the internet in these worlds? Is there no Men In Black movie? No Buffy and the Initiative. G'damnit NO COMIC BOOKS???!!!

So yeah, is it just the character that's stupid or the whole world? Or am I just easily irritated and seeing things.

More thoughts after sleep and food - perhaps even in that hour, regardless of doneness.

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Date: 10:27PM | Sat, May 24th | 2008
Subject: How Slash Changed My Feminism
Security: Public
Mood:thoughtful thoughtful
Tags:#sexuality issues: gender, about me, question everything, thoughts on: life

Do note my feminism extends only as far as the title. I've been leaning heavily towards secular womanist since I got fed up with the femiblosphere. There's a holistic (as in the big picture) view of the world I've found in womanist writings. The secular bit is because I'd like a little less religion in my gender equality. But that's just me.

Rape apologists get called out, and then begin to defend their position aka The Ants Nest Of Feminism Gets Stirred And Everyone Trying To Be Queen - Attacks, Attacks, Attacks.

What does this have to do with slash?

Well, before I read slash, before I became part of the slashy fannish community; reading, writing, doing meta - I couldn't handle men. I couldn't deal with them. I didn't want to be around them. I was very upset I even found some of them attractive.

Most of the men in my life have been violent; violent, abusive, domineering sons of bitches. Uncles to sheriffs and then some. I did not trust gentle men. I did not trust the concept. I didn't even like gay men, though I could tolerate them more than other males, because to me at least they'd had experiences of being the powerless one at some point in their life, or being picked on.

And then there was slash and men became individuals, or at least male characters did. They weren't unfathomable. They had motives I could understand. They had impulses and urges that they controlled. They had screwed up parents and screwed up values and sometimes they realized they were screwed up, but they didn't know what to do to change.

It was a personal revelation.

Men were put in a context where I could understand them. Morever, these men were being written by women. I was experiencing women writing men as trusthworthy; and not prince on a horse fantasy men either. I was experiencing women making references to traits a character had that was like; their brother, their father, their male best friend.

It dawned on me that my one sided world was fear based and incredibly so. It dawned on me that there was a wide and vast array of personalities and identities in the world that were also male.

I read more.

I read about male characters trying to figure out what it meant to be male. The best thing about reading slash and slashy coming out stories was watching male character after male character do this questioning of self and this questioning of what they'd learned from society. And I realized that I'd never questioned what I'd learned from society about men.

And so I did.

And then I realized there were men floating in the orbit of my life who weren't hiding who they really were - as I'd always thought they were. Being in tears over a separation from their family wasn't an act. And I could relate it back to the stories I'd read. And then I began to build on that and poke at it and experiment with online friendships with men, and take the time to actually talk to the gay men in my life, or the male therapists walking around the clinic.

It totally broadened my perspective on FTM transgendered individuals. Because there was a very stand-offish kind of respect before,(everyone should get to be themselves) but it was absolutely dripping in "Why would they want to give up being female?" But I took the time to get to know those in my sphere; acquaintances and friends of my then current gf or members of her church. And I listened. And I learned.

Maybe fear and rage aren't what's causing this whole 'All Men Are Rapists & Brutes. Feminine Supreme Power Now!' attitude that I saw and disliked, among other things, within the groups self labeling as feminist.

But slash changed my life. Slash turned men into people. And people could be good or bad, decent or rogues, respectful or thoughtless, cruel and self centered. People can be manipulative or peaceful negotiators. People can find ways to channel their wants and needs safely, or they can pick bar fights and get off on other brutalization.

People can get trapped by societies' roles and scriptures and cultural expectations. People can get hurt trying to be themselves, individuals, in the face of that.

I already knew this of women. I expanded it to all people. My world changed.

It's a nicer world.

Best of all, I've gained allies and true, good, friends that I otherwise wouldn't have. I've gained people I trust. I've gained my brothers, who I can look at and respect and love without the backburning fear that they'll grow up to be something else, something OTHER.

There have been a lot of little steps taking me away from a feminism that to me has become all about grrl power! And less about equality for all human beings.

Slash changed my political objectives in life. It changed my philosophies.

That's pretty damn mind blowing for a little bit of fanfiction.

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Date: 08:21PM | Tue, March 11th | 2008
Subject: The Crazy In America - Let Me Show You It
Security: Public
Mood:confused confused
Tags:question everything, surprise! gov't buttrape, wtf!!


Did anyone else know it's Law in Texas that if some kid in school answers on his school test the question of "How was the earth created" with "By G-d in 7 Days" - he's supposed to get that marked correct??

Did anyone else know that Oklahoma is trying to do the same?

Am I the only one feeling like there's some weird time travel / dimension influencing device and the Republican Party has been given access via neo-coms who got into science for the sheer purpose of creating it?

I phase my thoughts like this mostly because I think if a pagan child wrote down 'Sheela Na Gig Did It' - they'd get marked wrong. And if a Jewish child declared what the year was by Jewish counting, they'd also get marked wrong.

And what about someone saying 'My Dog Did It' because their family has just started a religion all about Rufus The Great Canine Savior. Ok, maybe not. But then again, I'm not sure how one starts a religion in America.

Will First Nations Students in Texas and Oklahoma be marked wrong if they put down information about the Earth being on the back of a Turtle, or being the body of a Sky Mother?

An acquaintance of mine who's military is being transferred to Germany. And her refrain so far has been "Praise Thor I'm Getting The Hell Out Of Oklahoma." Of course she's scared that when she gets back to the US, things will seriously have changed. She couched these fears somewhat humorously.

I... no longer think they're quite so far fetched.

The Earth Revolves Around - G-d

It Rains Because - Of G-d

Fire Is Hot Because - G-d Says So

Uhm... Is anyone else getting flashbacks to the Trial of Galileo ?

one bill to rule them all...and in the stupidity blind them

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Date: 03:36PM | Thu, February 21st | 2008
Subject: Jumbled Thoughts On Art
Security: Public
Tags:about art, lil help?, poc: culture, question everything

I like Thomas Blackshear's work, specifically his figurines. I think I've finally figured out that I am not a photo person, which is why I don't enjoy photographs in frames around my living space. I like 3d objects that trigger memories.

I'm the sort of person who'd want a box of smells, or who'd press a flower and frame it. I finally realize this now.

Of course it will be a while before I can ever afford Thomas Blackshear's work and a suitable case to have in my 'office' where the cat can't get near them and break them with overly enthusiasctic sniffing, rubbing and pouncing.

Mr. Blackshear's Ebony Visions have been incredibly inspiring to me as a visual cue as to where to take my writing now that I've battled and won my previously internalized 'SciFi/Fantasy is for the White Guys'.

I've started added images to my icons, along with images from Frank Morrison.

In researching/surfing/realizing this I started looking for artwork from other areas also for inspiration. And that's when I realized I have no idea what search terms to use to find modern sculpture/figurines from Asia.

Inputing Japanese , Chinese or Taiwanese sculpture got me lovely stuff from ages upon ages ago. But I don't want anthrpologically important bits of statuary.

Input Asian Art and there are all these stores that want to sell you water colours of misty mountains and bamboo, or china dolls. I found something mentioning Batik and Southern China and there were some lovely for sale pieces. And I'm going to further research Batik, because growing up in the Caribbean, I'd always thought it was African. So now I have something to learn.

But I feel uncomfortable using the work of anonymous Southern Chinese women in my icons without being able to give specific credit. And also, I just feel uncomfortable with some of the art and the nagging suspicion that they're creating what they've been told will sell.

I don't have a problem with people making money and if 'Chinese Peasant Paintings' make money, then so be it. But I am curious about art that comes from the artists and their pov and their culture and history that's not about exoticizing to feed the family.

Every time I've found something it's been couched in terms of 'Exotic' and it focuses on Samurai or Hindu Gods or Geisha Dolls or 'Look at what these people did back in the day' with the sub-current of 'before they got right and westernized'.

I had to pause and give myself a nice forty minutes or so of reviewing Japanese Modern Architecture (of which I do know some search terms) in order to calm down.

I know that these modern artists exist. I know someone online who does curating work in Signapore and coordinates with various other countries in the region. I may very well end up asking her a bunch of questions. But I'm still wondering if I'm viewing what I've found from the wrong perspective or if I'm missing some crucial/fundamental search terms to enable me to find things on my own.

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turn the page
By Any Other Name
of Willow
January 2016