By Any Other Name
the tale of Willow

Date: 08:37PM | Mon, May 23rd | 2011
Subject: State of Me, State of Me + Reading, State of Me + Stuff
Security: Public
Tags:state of me, thinky thoughts

Something in my eyes have shifted, coenciding with the now healing injury and my getting the kindle. Mainly I can FEEL the eyestrain of using a CRT. - I'm squinting horribly to write this right now and I doubt it has more than 30% to do with my healing eye.

So, more money spending is in the offing - A new monitor. And this before memory which was my next planned 'techy' purchase.

In other news, Kindle has kept me from being too bored when I couldn't even watch television - because it DOESN'T flicker, and I can increase the text size, which can't be done with printed books. Re-emerged myself with CJ Cherryh's Forienger Series. Find I like it more than I did when I started several years ago. I steadfastly hope she's not said stupendously stupid things to make me have to give up on her the way I have MANY white female authors of speculative fiction. I could do with more to look forward to than Jim Butcher once a year (may he keep his mouth shut).

I miss writing out my thoughts SOOOO damn much. Ugh this eye hurty thing.

Trying not to think about my mother whate so ever for a little while. For the distance to 'recover' from the eye scare.

Back to books and yay and stuff, I'm wondering if it is a facet of just enjoying a particular world and particular characters. I attempted to see what was up with the next in the series, and peered at comments on Amazon. And find myself wondering, greatly about reader expectations and how a series can turn out to be not what you thought it was and the disappointment of that. Which is what I've felt reading the negative reviews. The very thing disappointing to others, intrigues me. My general intrigues added up to far more than my moments of wincing and going 'Really? Really??!' The concept of 'Other' in these books... Oh the layers.

Anyway, it is a thing I ponder. Reader expectations. I know I've had them, or, I know I've had viewer/audience expectations a lot with television and movies - despite my common sense- and end up dropping things like hot burning rocks when they swing along paths I find objectionable, patronizing or boring. Granted I have social justice issues tied up in that, it's not all personal taste. But it does leave me thinking... I wonder if I'd still be thinking along these lines if I could state at the screen long enough to check other reviews and criticisms of these particular fictional works.

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Date: 10:58PM | Sun, February 14th | 2010
Subject: Not Dead
Security: Public
Tags:state of me, tv: looking for entertainment

1. Made a wonderful cup of chocolate milk earlier. It was truly yummy.

2. Have most of my groceries saved in a shopping cart - still have a little bit to do. Debating it. It's racked up quite high, and parts of me are still convinced everything on it is quite necessary. Grocery store website says they won't be doing delivery until Thursday. Though it didn't say if it meant this past on the 11th, or the future on the 18th.

3. Have been watching Johnathan Creek. One thing seriously disturbs me. Does anyone else who've ever watched it, know if Jonathan & Maddie are meant to be in a relationship? Because I keep getting the impression they're not. And yet Maddie keeps being interested in who Johnathon sees naked and it's grating on my nerves quite a bit that she seems to feel she has a say in his sexual or romantic life just because she's a part of his life in general. It's very.... ownership. Frankly, very pompous and grating to me and something else I can't quite put a word to which is NOT how irritated I already am by the games she seems to be playing wherein she acts romantic sometimes and/or jealous and then says 'La la la ,WTF are you insinuating'.

4. Twas Chinese New Year / Lunar New Year. Hope Good Things Arrive.

5. 50% off Candy Day is Tomorrow. Those of you who can afford to enjoy the sugar - Enjoy :)

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Date: 12:43PM | Sun, January 24th | 2010
Subject: And so....
Security: Public
Mood:complex complex
Tags:about me, state of me, willow's warren

I'm currently mainlining "Murder Victims". It's odd how comforting such shows are. Maybe it's seeing people triumph through thinking over their problems that's so soothing. I don't know. It's just odd to me how much I enjoy them and yet I don't think I could write a procedural. Procedurals are much longer than what I've finally admitted is my forte. Procedural makes me think 'novel'. Though I suppose Poe did a procedural short story - The Purloined Letter.

Things have happened. I did talk to my landlady finally. But it wasn't actually too helpful. She doesn't know or have answers to my questions - she's simply reached a point in her life where she can admit that her life is no longer in the city the house is in. And she was holding on for sentimentality and needs to make a clean cut of it. There's one option, one possibility of how things could turn out that I'm currently holding on to. If that doesn't work out, I figure I have a year or so. And in the meantime I've got to see about the rent increase paperwork.

Really, I'm currently not thinking about it and I'd like not to think about it until the end of the month. I spent a week wound up tight, oh so incredibly anxious and I'd like the chance to recover from that and feel more solid again - as solid as I can be.

So, "Murder Victims" where senseless death is contained with futuristic fantasy science. CSI Miami has holograms now! It is SO My Sunny Batman Show!

PS: I am managing to feed myself. I'm very grateful for that. And that I've recovered from either a stomach flu or food poisoning - whatever made Monday & Tuesday so exhausting and full of ick and ugh.

PPS: Malware @ Livejournal. Something to think about and be aware of. Has anyone encountered pop-ups on iJay when logged out?

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Date: 08:45PM | Tue, December 29th | 2009
Subject: State Of Me + Uncanny Valley Makes Video
Security: Public
Tags:holiday visitations, movies i've seen, my sibs, state of me, therapy with dr. yoda

Alma from Rodrigo Blaas on Vimeo.

This little video of supernatural doom, via, Karnythia via Yeloson jogged my memory of watching THE MIST at Zvi's folks over the holiday weekend and my inappropriate laughter. I'm fairly certain THE MIST is not meant to be a comedy and yet I couldn't stop laughing at all the panic; couldn't stop shaking my head at all the fool dawdling decisions and was not at all crushed by the ending - I just ended up shaking my head at how trauma so... traumatizes. I mean people just stop thinking and in some cases seem to lose the will to survive. I found myself thinking, maybe everyone needs a little trauma in childhood to kind of brace them to deal - which is probably not the wise psychological solution.

If you've seen THE MIST, then you'll understand, perhaps, me shaking my head that some folk just couldn't bed down for the night and wait to see how things would look in the morning. If they had, it wouldn't have been an ode to stupidity and the chemical rush of nerves when one has seen horrible, horrible things.

--- In More Post Feastmas News ---

I'm currently wearing my new glasses. That is, glasses that had been brand spanking new 6 years ago, but when I put them on, they needed constant readjustments and I was getting hell a fed up with that particular glasses place (can't even remember what franchise it was, since that branch, I think, has since closed down. Anyway, things have been getting fuzzy and I had up lots of reminders to try the optometrist in 2010. But today while getting ready for therapy, things were SO fuzzy, I grabbed the brand new 6 year old glasses in their case, tugged them out and put them on. And lo and behold the fuzzy kitchen clock numbers materialized in crisp formation.

Wore them out to therapy and the crispness did not depreciate. So I don't quite know what's going on, but the eye doctor visit can be bumped down a bit to later in 2010 if I have glasses currently working. On the other hand it's odd to be wearing glasses again after 6 years. I keep moving to take them off, thinking I've forgotten my sunglasses on, but nope, it's glasses. I will likely need to investigate getting some spongy bits for the end of one of the arms, so the glasses don't sit lopsided on my face.

Right now though, I shall enjoy being able to sit back some from the screen without letters appearing to be teeny script. I might even see about adjusting my screen resolution again too.

-- Feastmas --

The holiday was wonderful; peaceful, mellow (incredibly mellow) - it was a good counter-balance to prior anxiety to be in such an environment. The spread was AMAZING. I think I nommed more brisket than turkey and absolutely adored my Feastmas gift from Zvi of pineapple upside down cupcakes. I have some left, currently at home with me. I doubt they shall last till the new year.


It was devoured by me. Oh the yum! THE YUM!

And my favourite pound cake with chocolate icing.

-- Post Feastmas --

Was snuggling! Zvi is squishy and warm! And giggly - very giggly :) (Also, I'm so glad of boo-ness! So. Glad!)


No doubt I'm forgetting things, but tis goodness. And therapy today was a good start for 2010. Very clearing. Right now I'm hunting down tiny earbuds for my tiny ears to use the new mp3 player. While marveling at the colour crispness of the little screen and trying to figure out how the france to get it to move past settings and playing songs I can't hear (and likely don't want on it).

It will undoubtedly make me rethink my want of a PMP/PMD/Personal Access Data Device(PADD ala Star Trek), since what I want now really will focus on colour (for some comics) and mobile web access and flv/dixx.

Oh yes! And looking it up last night just before sleep I came across Rockbox, which might be the solution to my little sister's iPod woes (she's been having white screen of death) and was within warranty when she sent it to be fixed and they apparently shipped it back -UNFIXED- further cementing my loathing of the apple brand. But maybe given all I've seen about the firmware updates bricking the devices, alternative software is the way to go to get more usage out of the thing.

And now to catch some rest, before long distance mutual movie viewing.

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Date: 05:57PM | Wed, November 25th | 2009
Subject: Update On Me
Security: Public
Tags:.deewee, state of me, stress scale 4.5

Just woke up, crashed this morning with residual panic (sometimes it comes in waves). Best thing so far in the fifteen minutes I've been up? GP Doctor got my message, called to find out how I was, understood that I don't have control over that level of panic, let me know I didn't have to take the medicine and we could work something else out, wants to make sure I try and get a reschedule in within two weeks.

I want to cry in relief.

It lowers so much remaining tension with dealing with people. Really.

Meanwhile I want to attempt to tidy up some in the apt, and see if I can't cook myself a turkey breast for Thursday.

Tommy Icon for Self

Oh yeah, in Dreamwidth Isn't Archiving My Comments With LJ Archive News? I deleted all but my race rants from imported LJ entries. LJ-Archive still can't sync properly even though it now says I have 14698 comments instead of 70k something. Also despite using LJ-Sec to delete posts, some just randomly stayed and had to be deleted by hand. So I'm pondering that LJ-Sec is yet another tool that doesn't quite work with Dreamwidth.

It got longer that expected )

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Date: 09:35AM | Sat, October 10th | 2009
Subject: ow
Security: Public
Mood:drained drained
Tags:computer adventures, pain scale 6.5, state of me, stress scale 6.5

I'm going to attempt to make some noodles and cheese in a bowl in a minute. But I'm not laying all my hopes there. Have determined I will buy some pizza just as soon as the place opens up.

It's Sat morning now. I had a bad dream Friday morning, but have been so distracted by computer troubles I didn't write it down or even try to think about it too much. In fact I got up and tumbled to the computer in search of comfort media and ran smack into the fact it's not working as it should and so ended up rocking myself and researching. The dream may be triggery / issues of violence. )

I still have to check the memory - though the fact that I can move the mouse despite the freezing is apparently a plausible sign of software difficulties not hardware. I've done registry clean-up, spyware and anti-virus scans (which I do once every 10 or so days anyway but now had to do mostly online). I've come to the conclusion that I need to buy an additional harddrive and in the future a backup harddrive and have been trying to research just what I need and what is the best value for my money. It finally occurred to me that some individuals might not debate cost the way I do, because they'd use a credit card and extend the length of payment for the product. I want to know that something is covered with a good and solid warranty before spending my buffer money.

I feel odd writing comments. Discombobulated. I miss my music and my calming games. I'm realizing now exactly how much they help me. Last night the landlady's roommate had guests over and despite my going to ring the doorbell and asking her to keep it down (11:30pm) because I was trying to sleep, they didn't leave and stop being noisy until about 1:30am. And I was grumpy the whole time - stress creates pain which wears me out and makes sleeping, which I need to do, more difficult.

I'm trying to hold on to the little end of the rope of cope I've got with as much strength as I can muster. But I really wish life would give me the chance to wind some more cope about my wrist.

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Date: 06:19AM | Tue, October 6th | 2009
Subject: Stuff Going On
Security: Public
Tags:state of me

My attempts to tidy the kitchen since Sunday night have come to nought, as even three times through the dishes won't get clean. I don't know wtf is going on. I haven't had enough lack of pain to check anything other than trying to stack the dishes differently. I do know I tried to be more ambitious than I usually am in how many dishes I put in there, so that could be the problem. I might try again today.

I need to, because last night there was scratching in the wall of my bedroom that holds the window. Something seems to have gotten into the wall again and is determined to eat or scratch its way through a foot of foam. Have emailed landlady about it. But that's a touch of anxiety because dishes are making a bit of a mess in the kitchen and I haven't attempted to tidy the bedroom in weeks. I've been too busy coping with life (or rather, trying to acquire cope so I could handle life).

Last night's attempt to sleep by the way doesn't feel like it was restful, what with my body tensing up at the intrusive sounds and not finding a comfortable position to sleep in (no doubt from tension) and waking up every couple of hours and other arrgh. And of course I've no doubt been pondering how I'll handle exterminators having to poke around my walls. I'm still recovering from the plumbers in August.

If you think I want to curl in a corner and cry - you'd be right.

At least yesterday I managed to make bread pudding again. It's not as good as the last time - my hand spilled with the anise seed, so there's a slightly stronger flavour than I'd like. And I used less milk. But it was edible and delicious enough when warm yesterday and so I'll see how it is today re-warmed. Meanwhile I'm trying to decide if I can handle therapy today and the need to pick up some protein (as I'd planned to) from the grocerystore downtown. I was in enough pain last night to call my therapist and leave a message that I might not be able to make it.

I think I need heat on my chest, and some patches and possibly some naproxen - it's a juggle. The patches break me out in a rash if I use them on my chest and the naproxen raises blood pressure. I don't hate my body - but I will admit pain, and weaknesses and negative/allergic reactions make it difficult for me to love it.

Last but not least, my bedroom clock says one time and the computer another. I do't know why my bedroom clock would be an hour slower than the computer and a quick search online tells me that DST doesn't end till Nov 1st. So I don't even know.

Oh! - A PS of sorts. I found some of my writing from maybe two years ago and I'm amazed at how much energy was in it, and how easily I'd strung together a unique world to tell tales in. And so I've somehow got it into my head that if I can't do that -now-, it is a function of this year's mental exhaustion and pain issues and not that I was -never- a good writer. It's painful to accept. Very painful. Especially since that mental exhaustion means I can't do anything even with these bright worlds in front of me. It's like a car coughing and sputtering for the engine to turn on when there's not enough gas.

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Date: 09:28PM | Sat, September 26th | 2009
Subject: Today It Rained
Security: Public
Tags:state of me

I spent most of the day curled around a heating element, in pain and trying to ignore it. Then I went to sleep and got to be unconscious - thus no pain. Yay unconscious. I also managed to make more food in the whole 'cooking' thing. Though I need to make some rice right now, so I guess I should say, I prepared meaty substenance and it did not suck.

More importantly though, I miss people. I miss the people I tend to IM everyday. A lot. Which is weird, because well, I'm weird. I'm not lonely, but I miss the interactions and giggles and mental stimulation. So, somewhere between anti social invertnedness and the concept of loneliness (which I still don't get) is missing folks and that's where I am.

Of course my schedule (sleeping, eating, etc) is all out of whack and I'm just greatful as all heck that I've managed to begin to feed myself and hygiene myself and even managed to do another load of dishwashing. And I can't honestly say I wouldn't get hit by moodswings or panic if I logged on to IM. I do feel as if my psyche's gaining some scab and scar tissue though. It just seems to be taking forever, y'know?

I also want to call my Dad, but can't quite, because talking to my Dad is a level of mental stimulation and joy that tends to need me to have somewhere to fall back on. And right now I think it'd eat up all the inches of rope I've managed to hoard. And I am so mixing metaphors left and right like it's a cocktail hour.

*hugs and hugs and more hugs for F and K and K and thank you to D and Oi! To Z*

Also I've noted several people going through similar stuff and I've found myself wondering if it's the season. Do I get depressed around the common new year? I'm not certain right now. But I do know that Sept has always had particular significance for me. And Oct, well, this dual month period I've associated with a friend's passing for 3 years now. And yeah, probably still recovering from the plumbers - which is just like whoa.

Anyway, staring at my - I guess, mental mortality? And also trying not to become frustrated at my inability to write currently. It should be obvious that emotional stress and strain would tense me up and make that difficult. But it really isn't. I stare at the screen and in the mirror and wonder wtf is wrong with me and mentally try to squeeze blood from a stone and then half rage in my mind at the impossibility of that task.

It's all very...psychological.


PS: Am pondering an A: TLA mood theme. I doubt I have the energy to make it. But someone else has to have. Although the way iJay has screwed up mood themes (problems which have never been fixed)... *more sighs*

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Date: 01:36PM | Thu, September 24th | 2009
Subject: I Live
Security: Public
Tags:state of me, sweet vin diesel jebus

Which I think is a rather good thing. Still doing all sorts of exploratory surgery on my psyche and stuff. I know for some folk it's like I dropped off the face of the earth. But I cannot begin to describe what my head's been like. I can say there's been depression and food issues and mood swings like whoa (with the default state being depression) and sorting out mind games with apparent fricking time delay (my mother should be a spy for world freedom. Seriously) and non mom related mental traps decades old and being hungry since... I don't know, Sunday? Only stopped early this morning in the wee hours of the AM....

There is so much I'm leaving out too.

Especially since trying to write it out has left me wanting to curl up in a ball and bawl. But y'know, still alive and appreciative of tweets and emails of love. Have also had pretty shawl to hug.

And oh yeah, I forgot about having to get over the ick.

See? Too much stuff to even remember.

I mean Charles Barkley's showing up in my damn dreams. When was the last time I looked at basketball, far less basketball themed commercials.

I don't even know.

*goes to eat something now - hoping it sticks like last night's meal*

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Date: 12:14AM | Mon, September 21st | 2009
Subject: Good News
Security: Public
Mood:accomplished accomplished
Tags:about me, state of me

Willow is cooking. I have actual food in an actual pot on the stove. And the heat is turned down like whoa as there is no way I have the attention span currently to stand or sit over the pot and watch it cook. But food! On the stove! I will eat food tonight! (It's still night until dawn).

Other good news - the hickory smoke bottle I picked up on a whim to help encourage me to eat (and better) isn't salty! This gives me a couple more options that will be free from high fructose corn syrup or significant high fructose corn syrup ( I keep wanting to type cough syrup).

There are several things on the home front that aren't done. I refuse to make a list because they aren't done due to me taking care of myself and a list only induces guilt. I'm hoping to get them done this week. Also my therapist (who I saw on Friday) pointed out exactly how heavy some of my recent thinking and sorting and dealing with myself - along with taking care of myself- has been and pointed out that takes energy. So I'm already feeling better than I usually would on the guilt front.

I have thoughts peculating in my head about advertising, sexuality, commercialism, fandom and I think an off shoot in there relating it to Urban Fantasy (and possibly why I don't think those stories have been saying anything). But I'm not sure if or when it'll pan out enough for me to write about. They might even be two thoughts and I only think they're one because they both touch on hypersexuality (or at least how things seem presented to me). We will see.

I've spent parts of last week having hours long conversations with my mother - which took so. much. damn. energy. I can't even begin to explain. It was done in order to get something in motion that will end up helping my siblings. That is definitely a doorway that exists, even if I guard it. But being occupied and handling other things, I was not as on guard as I should have been. Also, it gets messy in my head when I realize/recognize something my mother did that's been positively important in how I've turned out.

I also appear to be in a non-fiction groove at the moment. And it was like a light-bulb in my head when I was in the library all "PING! If I'm so discomforted by fiction, that doesn't mean I have to stop reading. It just means I can stop reading FICTION but can pick up NON FICTION."

It was like a commercial where someone discovers chocolate for the first time.

I am also considering making my own ginger beer at some point. I blame my father.

ETA: *sighs* Apparently I do not like the taste of my own cooking. *more sighs*

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By Any Other Name
of Willow
January 2016