By Any Other Name
the tale of Willow

Willow
Date: 08:17PM | Sat, December 31st | 2011
Subject: -> 2012
Security: Public
Mood:recovering recovering
Tags:the year: 2011, the year: 2012

I'm starting the new year not stressing. I'm recovering from my visit, feeling a little achy, and really, wanting nothing so much than warm sofa cuddles w/ my cat. But my visit really helped sort my brain out about things; something I wasn't expecting at all. My whole year got put into perspective and I'm looking at the new year with perspective too. Of course... I can't help the various little superstitious omen focused part of me that's freaking out cause I'm not getting dressed up, going anywhere, and haven't bothered with champagne, or sparkling cider and truthfully, I haven't bought up a whole bunch of groceries either. I really wanted to rest, so I have. And having an absolutely stocked cupboard can wait until the new year.

Or at least I tell myself that, while another part of myself freaks out about everything.

Still, if I want to go into the new year w/ anything, I want to accept both how far I've come, where I am, where I can go, what I can do, and what my current limits are. Which means not running around SHOULDING all over myself. I stayed away longer than expected, which means that it just isn't timed up for me to recover to do things by today/tonight. So be it.

And fluffy belly cuddles is nothing to turn my nose up at either.

Meanwhile, I want to try and make bean pie in the new year. Don't ask me what I'm taking - I have no clue. Usually the concept of baking + crust + keeping things chilled + gluten free would have me screaming, but... I want to make the attempt.

I'm eying things on Amazon for 'kitchen supplies' despite originally having wanted to buy a little mini trampoline for exercise (I know! It took someone pointing it out to me, for me to get how far I've come, where I have the 'energy' to consider doing anything for exercise, moving beyond just what I need to survive, far less the trigger issues around it). But I think it'd help w/ my health, lymph wise to be a little non knee strain bouncy. Pity Amazon raised the price like whoa since I last looked.

I spent Xmas week dealing w/ 'what did I do this year' / 'what will I do next year' stuff. And I don't really want to talk about it too much. I'm settled. Which I suppose is why I'm focusing on NOT shoulding all over myself - accepting I need to plan things out, I need recovery time and none of that means I don't have things planned or in motion, or the money saved up, or have somehow absconded from responsibility.

As for my writing; someone I love very much said to me, they thought my problem is I want to write too much, and have so much to say I don't know where to start. And I hadn't thought of it that way before. But it feels right. And so I'm doing to be looking at that differently too. And what I write. Because what I write and what I read? Might be 2 very different things. VERY different. And there's a lot of me to sort out as well. So yeah, unique perspective there to make peace with. (maybe every body gets a book/story)

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Willow
Date: 02:13PM | Tue, August 23rd | 2011
Subject: Because I'm a little too shook to do it physically.
Security: Public
Tags:the year: 2011, wth?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH **aftermath reaction running around flailing**. How in shock was I, just sitting there, watching things shake, completely disbelieving what was happening until I realized it kept going and going and going. Dear August, what beef have you got with me?

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Willow
Date: 02:24PM | Fri, July 22nd | 2011
Subject: "Sometimes it just takes a really bad day" - Joker
Security: Public
Mood:crazed laughter crazed laughter
Tags:the year: 2011, wtf!!

Oh fuck. The downside of catching up on 'The Daily Show' is hearing about the whole 'August 3rd' no checks, things go boom thing. I've been trying to avoid some stuff for fear of anxiety and ran smack into that.

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Willow
Date: 03:12PM | Sat, July 16th | 2011
Subject: I have to remember I loathe Charmin Toilet Paper
Security: Public
Mood:tired tired
Tags:errands: shopping, groceries, the year: 2011

I keep forgetting that Scott's the only thing I feel comfortable with, cause I'd tried a different type this one time and it was soft and kind of nice. But have never remembered the name. Whatever it is - it isn't Charmin. But I can handle a semi 'waste' of $5, considering I'm getting near $30 refunded to me, cause the personal grocery shopper messed up on my meat. I wanted one price. She got caught up the cut, which is 'roast' and it's a $30 difference in meat. Seriously. And I was polite but firm that her being too busy to ask questions of the meat department was awful and exhausting and not the same as my budget busting problem.

Groceries are put away. No corn chips. They didn't have what I wanted and as she was too busy to call and ask about substitutions... Though Fritos -is- too salty for me in general. I just, I realize I need to incorporate snacks into my eating patterns. And I desperately want non GMO foods; which means non GM Corn. And Fritos is possibly cheaper than the 'organic' stuff I can buy at mark-up. But... hey. I have pineapple slices and I have raspberry sorbet. I can probably keep until Thursday.

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Willow
Date: 07:34PM | Tue, June 14th | 2011
Subject: For The Record
Security: Public
Mood:pissed off pissed off
Tags:i will cut somebody, the world: 2011, the year: 2011, wtf!!

I am a queer, WoC, of Caribbean Heritage, who is neuro-atypical and a survivor. I exist. People have met me. I have met them. They exist. Last I checked Zvi_Likes_Tv was NOT a middle aged hetero white guy (I only mention my Boston Wife, cause I can handle her smacking me for insisting she exists, I won't insist other peeps exist w/o their permission). Also last time I checked the mirror I was not a middle aged hetero white guy. Y'know, just in case someone gets it into their head that the seeming diversity from straight, white, hetero, cis, white guys on the internet are all just pretend, all just default white hetero cis white people who're currently able bodied and/or disability free 'pretending' to make the world more diverse and different. NOPE. Not the case.

PS: There are other identifying aspects of myself I've likely forgot - because I don't go around all day long thinking about just how 'different' or 'unique' I am compared to the particular 'default' most people (of a type) assume.

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Willow
Date: 09:53AM | Tue, May 10th | 2011
Subject: Arrrrhhhhgggghhh.
Security: Public
Mood:stressed stressed
Tags:ow, the year: 2011, wth?

In so much pain; back spasming like whoa. Just tried to order groceries and something went wrong. I think I clicked cash or something, cause the order went through without me putting in any credit card info or anything. So I'm all upset because OMGWTF. And I chose to have them delivered today, because I realized I could, instead of waiting until tomorrow (the new delivery guy is always late, that would mess up me attempting to get to therapy). And also, with my back spasming, I'm leaving the house - just barely - to be away from stressful angry woman. But not sure more moving around would be wise; should rest up and be horizontal.

Or maybe the spasming is from the stress of her being around? Don't know.

Seriously, this day is just....

Seriously.

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Willow
Date: 05:28PM | Wed, March 30th | 2011
Subject: --
Security: Public
Mood:-- --
Tags:health: physical, the year: 2011

I know I said I'd update after the dentist yesterday, but I came home to find th power out. It stayed out till about 9:30, at which point I was already in bed, because I'd been informed power wouldn't be available until 11:30. The dentist is the only health related thing that went relatively well for me this week.

I've lost more weight. It hasn't changed a damn thing with my physical health. For anything. In fact my tests results are all 10+ higher than they were last year. I got scolded, ontop of using up all my courage to call my old doctor and ask for a referral cause the old one had expired and I hadn't realized that. And now I will need to go see her, to ask/beg for enough refferals to see the doctor I want - until I can get my insurance stuff sorted out. Stuff that I'd asked to be mailed to me in January that's never arrived. And I may not get the chance to change until Jan of NEXT year. 2012.

I have a bunch of new prescriptions; including increased Thyroid medication cause even THAT is HIGHER. Which almost made me laugh considering that being on the medication/getting the resting done was kind of a 'humor me please, Dr' and now, tadah it IS a big old issue.

Right now? Right now I feel so hopeless the only thing keeping me from killing myself is a promise I made to my former therapist. Not even the current one. I respect the former a whole damn lot more; I trust her and care about her and it's her voice in my head being calm and patient when I panic and feel bad. So, yeah.

My body sucks. My hormones suck. My pressure sucks. Everything sucks. And worse, I just MAY be so chemically sensitive to the damn drugs needed I may end up- well, dealing w/ needles. I feel like an utter fucking failure at feeding myself, trying to heal myself. Shit, all these supplements and vitamins I've been taking and things are fucking WORSE.

And having used up most of my courage and focus dealing with the old doctor (she wanted to talk to me on the phone) and various staff people, I couldn't discuss gluten intolerance the way I wanted to. It might be considered lucky that this doctor doesn't believe in gluten; she believes it's been modified so much to be so productive and resistant to disease that it's become a stronger allergen and thus affects damn near everybody. She also suggested I go dairy-free. No yogurt (which I survive on), no cheese. No occasional dabs of butter. I forgot to ask if this included ghee.

I don't know how to cook like this, I haven't bought groceries yet (well stopped off and picked up some meat) because I'm trying to figure out meals to make that are gluten free and balanced and WHERE I wanted to try and spend my shopping dollars. I have a headache from yesterday and am unsure if it's residual hunger headache, which makes NO sense. Or, just like having my fav chocolate bar with the malt and barley gave me a headache; if my solution at realizing I hadn't eaten much yesterday and thus picking up cheese and gluten-free corn chips was actually a bad call, cause my body might hate corn too.

Oh! And to top it all off, I've a fever of 99.1 (my regular body temperature tends to hover around 96, maybe 96.9). So - yeah. Fever. And I broke two nails n the way home, as if my body wanted to prove to me how brittle they are no matter than I'd been FEELING better recently.

Y'know, I thought it was a fucking accomplishment to reach 21 and not have killed myself, but my body apparently finds that goal ultra stupid and is slowly breaking me down and killing me because damn it - according to it, I shouldn't even be fucking alive.

I feel like I'm losing myself. Everything I knew how to cook, is unhealthy for me. Everything I'd recently modified and adapted to, is ALSO unhealthy for me, so now to modify again. I stood in the supermarket staring at fish, dull lifeless already flecking off scales and cloudy eyes and realized I can't judge fish that's not set up 10-15 yards away from a fishingboat. Except for salmon maybe - and I often find supermarket salmon in need of a good scrub for slipperiness.

I wish doctors would stop telling me to by Quinoa; as if I could find it, know where to get it, could afford it. Do they want me to pay outrageous shipping on food just to eat? I wish they'd also stop talking about how it sucks to be me, with my financial situation in the midst of telling me I need 'speciality' food.

People I love, I love you. I'm not gong to hurt you by killing myself. And I'm not going to break a promise to my former therapist. But I really really want to. I mean, I'd have control over it then, right? Instead of my body choosing to do some other fucking horrible thing to me.

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Willow
Date: 02:00PM | Tue, March 1st | 2011
Subject: ---
Security: Public
Mood:brain shot brain shot
Tags:about me, about my siblings, the year: 2011

Since last night, I've wanted to order groceries -but could not focus enough to buy properly. Buy to match what I still have inhouse, and any treats for bday month. And buy healthily, but 'easy for bad days'. Notsure what's going to happen today, hoping for less pain. Keep running into the problem of bundling up and getting to hot, taking things off and getting too cold.

My little sister wrote me about some jackass at the mall harassing her. And it pisses me off and makes me sad that she felt it was somehow her fault. And now she's hesitant to go around w/o some kind of weapon - that's how creepy the jackass was. Sent her a long email. What I find sadder? My sister is a competition winning karate artist. Granted she hasn't been in competition for about 3 years now. But I know she still practices on her own. But she seems to have completely forgotten that, because the man was just damn creepy. My sister is a young teenager, she says the man must have been 40.

It's my birthday month and I'm trying to keep it all together. There's a few things I need to do this month, but my brain has been in serious shut down mode since that altercation with my mother.

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Willow
Date: 02:38AM | Sat, January 1st | 2011
Subject: Between The Desert & The West Coast
Security: Public
Mood:groggy groggy
Tags:the year: 2011

I Wish Y'all - Happy Western New Year!

Y'know what I'm looking forward to next? Lunar New Year! I adore getting three chances to start a New Year; Rosh Hashanah, Julian Gregorian New Year, and then Lunar New Year! Though I admit a September New Year felt far more natural while I was still in school and these days the Lunar New Year feels more -whee-, probably because of the greater promise of Spring. And none of those include the 'New Year' of my Birthday.

Then again, maybe I just love moments of taking stock and reflection and the chance to go Whee and eat something nummy!

PS: No much thoughts on the new decade other than 'Already? Whoa!' :)

ETA: Oopsie, wrong Western calendar

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By Any Other Name
of Willow
January 2016