By Any Other Name
the tale of Willow

Willow
Date: 11:12AM | Tue, May 29th | 2012
Subject: Last Night My Family Survived - By The Grace Of Heaven
Security: Public
Mood:indescribable indescribable
Tags:the year: 2012

Everyone's fine, though a little shook up. Well, maybe a lot shook up. It was only a clip. My mom's convinced it could have been much worse. She thinks the hand of heaven intervened and pushed the oncoming car away from them. Apparently someone was pulling out onto a parkway, turned too fast, headed straight for them at a slant, out of control, going FAST and pulled right at the last second, only just clipping them. But for a moment, they all thought they'd die - there was no where really for them to go. And possibly, my stepfather keeping the car still, waiting to see if the other driver, once he'd noticed him, could regain control, saved them. My mom's still counting her fingers and toes, my littlest brother is still crying, the oldest of my brothers insists it wasn't that serious while my stepfather has the shakes. But, everyone's fine.

Dear 2012 - I'm glad the 'world isn't ending'. I never really believed that. But uhm, you can stop with the little challenges annnny time now. Thank you. My exhaustion at inspections and tidying, and people invading my home, and housing security etc... is exhausting enough, without driving home how close to passing everyone I love actually is.

Also heaven? If you could manage to get that hit, miss and run driver off the damn road before he or she endangers another family? It'd be really appreciated.

Also, I know this is serious, cause once I checked my msgs, I called my mom straight away, cause her voice on the phone was strange. And she just confirmed that should anything happen, I'd look after my sibs. So y'know....

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Willow
Date: 03:25PM | Thu, March 8th | 2012
Subject: Some months/ weeks / days
Security: Public
Tags:food + me, i will cut somebody, the year: 2012

I ordered groceries last night. Was really happy about being able to do so. They just arrived. About $80-100 worth is missing. They just didn't have it. And no one called me to ask me about substitutions, etc. Some of it is house keeping stuff like kitty litter. But some of it is/was not only food stuffs, but food stuffs I'd chosen specifically as birthday treats. After all my negotiating and dealing with my new food limits.

So yay food. And so much boo and WTF to again not having 'something special' along with knowing that yeah, I will be having to order groceries again awfully soon.

Also, when I saw how little I got for what I actually paid - it hit me all over again, how the price of groceries has slowly creeped up and up, 25 cents here, 30 cents there, until now, stuff is a dollar and more expensive, per item than it was LAST year. But hey, Wall Street is doing GREAT. So the economy MUST be beter. Great Recession? Peh. Pish. That's BEEN over, if it ever was.

Grrrrrr.

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Willow
Date: 03:31AM | Thu, March 1st | 2012
Subject: My mother is prophetic.
Security: Public
Mood:--
Tags:the year: 2012

I just wrote a letter to my landlady (email) about how my mother is prophetic. I realize now it may have been unwise, but it's late at night, and i'm pretty shaken.

Today, the upstairs neighbour came down, claiming to smell smoke, asking me if I was cooking. She spent all day phoning our landlady at work, complaining about the smoke affecting her children.

When I mentioned this to my mom? Y'know, my mom who's a very litigious woman, and has the mind of, well, an evil genius, quite frankly - she immediately said 'Someone's trying to get out of their lease and keep their housing assistance. She needs official stuff happening, so she can document, claim the house is unsafe for her, and get to leave'.

I said, she just needs to give 90 days notice before her lease is up, and we're actually pretty much at the date for it. And in an emergency, our landlady would probably give her 30.

But my mother said 'Mark my words, something's gonna happen, the fire department will show up. It'll be a false alarm. Your landlady will be charged for it. It'll set a precedent for the house being unsafe'.

I just got a 2:30am, then 3am garbled phonecall (on my cellphone) from upstairs, lots of noise above my head, followed by the fire department showing up for a false CO2 reading. And the upstairs neighbour coming down stairs acting 'friendly', knocking on my bedroom window, all 'I tried to call you' / ' I just came down here to make sure you were ok'.

Fire department official, making fun of me, cause I stumble out blearly eyed w/ a scissors in my hand. "You can put the scissors away now"

Fuck you. Mr. Someone bups at my door at 3am, and I have to peek out my front door, hell yes, I'm a have something sharp in my hand. Excuse me for looking bed raggedly and being afraid for my own safety.

So yeah, I wrote a probably badly times letter to my landlady w/ my thoughts, cause now i feel guilty for not calling her back once my mom had hung up the phone and warning her. But hopefully it'll work out well in the end. My landlady is amazingly sweet and wonderful, but she straight up admits she had a rough past, and thought she left it behind, it didn't leave her. So hopefully, things will sort themselves out.

I'm just... seriously. Of all the times for my mom to be right.

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Willow
Date: 12:08AM | Sun, January 1st | 2012
Subject: Happy New Year
Security: Public
Mood:--
Tags:the year: 2012

Happy Secular Western Gregorian New Year Folks. I am wishing you all well in 2012.

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Willow
Date: 08:17PM | Sat, December 31st | 2011
Subject: -> 2012
Security: Public
Mood:recovering recovering
Tags:the year: 2011, the year: 2012

I'm starting the new year not stressing. I'm recovering from my visit, feeling a little achy, and really, wanting nothing so much than warm sofa cuddles w/ my cat. But my visit really helped sort my brain out about things; something I wasn't expecting at all. My whole year got put into perspective and I'm looking at the new year with perspective too. Of course... I can't help the various little superstitious omen focused part of me that's freaking out cause I'm not getting dressed up, going anywhere, and haven't bothered with champagne, or sparkling cider and truthfully, I haven't bought up a whole bunch of groceries either. I really wanted to rest, so I have. And having an absolutely stocked cupboard can wait until the new year.

Or at least I tell myself that, while another part of myself freaks out about everything.

Still, if I want to go into the new year w/ anything, I want to accept both how far I've come, where I am, where I can go, what I can do, and what my current limits are. Which means not running around SHOULDING all over myself. I stayed away longer than expected, which means that it just isn't timed up for me to recover to do things by today/tonight. So be it.

And fluffy belly cuddles is nothing to turn my nose up at either.

Meanwhile, I want to try and make bean pie in the new year. Don't ask me what I'm taking - I have no clue. Usually the concept of baking + crust + keeping things chilled + gluten free would have me screaming, but... I want to make the attempt.

I'm eying things on Amazon for 'kitchen supplies' despite originally having wanted to buy a little mini trampoline for exercise (I know! It took someone pointing it out to me, for me to get how far I've come, where I have the 'energy' to consider doing anything for exercise, moving beyond just what I need to survive, far less the trigger issues around it). But I think it'd help w/ my health, lymph wise to be a little non knee strain bouncy. Pity Amazon raised the price like whoa since I last looked.

I spent Xmas week dealing w/ 'what did I do this year' / 'what will I do next year' stuff. And I don't really want to talk about it too much. I'm settled. Which I suppose is why I'm focusing on NOT shoulding all over myself - accepting I need to plan things out, I need recovery time and none of that means I don't have things planned or in motion, or the money saved up, or have somehow absconded from responsibility.

As for my writing; someone I love very much said to me, they thought my problem is I want to write too much, and have so much to say I don't know where to start. And I hadn't thought of it that way before. But it feels right. And so I'm doing to be looking at that differently too. And what I write. Because what I write and what I read? Might be 2 very different things. VERY different. And there's a lot of me to sort out as well. So yeah, unique perspective there to make peace with. (maybe every body gets a book/story)

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By Any Other Name
of Willow
January 2016