My day started fairly ok - then I went to bring the bins in from the back curb, only to find they'd already been brought in and actually lined (with the extras I keep out back for emergencies). I checked they were clean, added the deoderizer. But considering that last week when the landlady visited; she brought up that the upstairs neighbours were having a cow over whether or not I get paid to deal with the bins? I think someone is seriously trying to get on her good side - or itching for the chance to say 'She hasn't been doing it - we've been doing it'. Cause the landlady pointed out, I get paid to bring the bins in, and keep them clean and tidy. Not to take them out to the curb in time for the trash (though it's something I also have done - and usually do. Except now of course when people are trying to play nice).
So I left her an email letting her know what was going on. So there are no surprises. And also because I really do appreciate the fact she considers me responsible and she knows, that I've been doing this for the past 2 years now, even if I"m sick or not feeling well etc - walking all around the neighbourhood to collect the bins if they are misplaced or stolen, etc. Replacing bins for neighbours when upstairs takes other people's bins to use, etc...etc...
Having a cow over me being responsible?
And my landlady really touches me when she said she likes giving me the little stipend and she hopes I spend it on mango sorbet and lamb and little extras; cause she knows I've been dealing with health issues etc.
There really is something to be said for developing a relationship of mutual respect with people.
Outside of 'Conspiracy At The House'... Therapy was, intense. Really intense. Issues of guilt were brought up, that I'm not trying to wrap my head around. Cause guilt's, on one level fairly useless but pyschologically speaking I'm told it's also a coping mechanism and the thing to do is find out what you're coping for and deal with it/utilize a healthier tool. (Trying to imagine telling that to ppl w/ white guilt who clutch colour blind theories - headache.)
So this is going to be a heavy mental week going forward from today I think. Cause there's a lot going on; some things even tied into my mom - and I actually didn't see the connection coming AT ALL.
On the way home, everything I wanted to treat myself to wasn't available. No sorbet, no lamb. I considered chocolate but the one I would have risked a reaction for, had further changed it's recipe. No more liquior. But I must have been calling unconsciously on the Chocolate Spirits - because someone got on the bus selling some for their church. And an older gentleman insisting on buying me one even though I said 'no thank you'.
I'm not sure if it was creepy or not. I've been rethinking my interactions with older men. I thought I recognized creepy interactions; implicit 'and now you'll owe me - I expect something - your body isn't yours'. Right now the only vibe I'm getting, is the chocolate was a buck, and he probably thought I was pretty.
Anyway, of course I can't eat it. I'd already checked and it's full of allergens for me. But I made sure to get dark chocolate. So next time Zvi visits - she'll have a chocolate bar.
Now to rest up, cook dinner and the one thing I did find was some mango juice - so I'm going to wash some popsicle sticks and see what happens.
Sidenote of Also: I am getting so damn sick of companies randomly changing the ingredients of a product. Not just the chocolate. But I hinted all week to find a vitamin mineral supplament that really helps me digest my food better. When I went to pick it up today? They'd added soy lecithin. I bought some, but I can't remember if soy lecithin will affect me the same way as soy. It's too hot, and I was too tired to not just buy some so I could have it if it's good at home. And if not, next time out - I guess it'll be 'return time'.
ETA: Re - Soy Lecithin. When the answer is 'Only a tiny percentage of people are ever usually affected'. It is in fact saying 'Willow? This will eff you up girl! Don't play! Don't put that in your body!'. So I guess I'll have to order from somewhere and take these back next time I'm out. Cause I am damn near always 'The Negligibile 1-2 %'.
Got in a conversation with a bus driver, we were both waiting for the same bus; about Harry Potter being evil and a spellbook to witchcraft - based on the fact that there' been all this cannibalism going on. Apparently there was one localish enough to be extra freaky. I truthfully wasn't paying attention to it - because, I hate zombies. And everything I saw was all 'OMG ZOMPOCOLYSE!'
Conversatoin? Well, wa weird. Involved of course, Christianity. Jesus saving everyone. Humans did not evolve from primates cause the primates aren't still evolving, etc.... As usual I played chameleon, cause there ain't nothing like someone being beligerant at you at the bus stop to sap energy.
Then on the bus trip HOME? Man talking about the Illuminati and racism and the prison system.
Seriously world? What is up?!
PS: Forgot the best part. Guy on the bus was claiming Obama Didn't Do Shit For Him. And He' Still Waiting For A True Black Prince. Cause Obama didn't get inducted into the Illumati and hasn't been able to do anything real for real brothers.
0.o - One. Weird. Day.
Early arse morning in the middle of the night, world. My nap; my nap turned into 'knock out'. But here I am. Up! And with a request. Could you recc me some really, truly, sucky books? Nothing that sucks because of isms, lack of diversity representation, or because they did something awful with sex or the like. But just, sucky. Just, WTF IS THIS SHITE, sucky/ HOW DID THIS GET PUBLISHED, what?!
I'm following a course of action suggested by my therapist. I'll let you know btw, if it helps. So, books where I will not be even remotely invested. Books where perhaps, I will not be moved to give even the smallest crap. Maybe even textbooks! During our conversation, I floated the possibility of books on cars; if you know of any? Point me to them? I'd appreciate it.
I'm not sure if fanfic would work the same way. I guess it'd have to be for a show I'd never give a damn about one way or another; and where both the show and the fans aren't indulging in some kind of ism. To me that seems very unlikely - and then there's still, unless it's gen, going to be sexual/sexual attraction things going on.
I know I've asked for reccs before, privately/personally for good safe for me books. This is a completely different tact. If you're afraid to publicly say 'I found this book crap' - then NO FEAR. All comments will be screened! I have to admit, I'm too paranoid to take a recc from an unsigned anonymous comment post. But all comments are screened. So point me to the boring? The badly formed; keeping in mind my parameters of no isms and not having to deal with sex/sexual attraction stuff.
Who-ever thought you'd get to recc text books? I know some of you know some proper boring, crappy textbooks. The kind of things that if they were written about making toys - even Santa Claus would not be able to finish them.
This was originally going to be a summary post; my day, the rain, exhaustion, heavy therapy stuff, mild groceries, trash bins, feeling to exhausted to take the humdifier upstairs so it'll have to wait until tomorrow and about running into Dr. Suck from The Clinic Of Dangerous Incompetence & Lies (the one who's moving away, prompting insurance to call me and try to get me to pick a doctor even as I tell them I'm headed out the door to an appointment and they should call me back). As I was logging in, however, on the television (I had a Mythbuster's craving) came one of those 'IF YOU HAVE BEEN INJURED BY' lawyer commercials. For Actos. Litigious side effect? BLADDER CANCER.
Now I no longer care that when she saw me in the elevator (she was in the therapy building) what she remarked on wasn't 'is your blood pressure ok' and 'how are you'. But 'Oh, you've lost more weight!' And 'You're still with that other doctor, right? She's doing good with you'.
Yes. Me no longer being on destructive-to-my-system medications IS SOMEHOW ALL ABOUT SOME OTHER DOCTOR SOMEHOW DISCIPLINING ME INTO
BETTER HEALTH less weight. And I sit down to comment on it here, and the commercial comes on about ACTOS, the drug that OTHER DOCTOR put me on (the one I also no longer trust; she who put me on a sulphur drug and then told me it wasn't a sulphur drug the names just sounded similar).
Face Punch Doctors. Face Punch Them VERY MUCH.
Had therapy today and was totally a teenager for it. An enthusiastic teenager all 'OMGosh! There's a WORD for it! Tons of words! Vocabulary!!!!!!!' I made Dr. Yoda chuckle. But, well, I'm excited and happy and processing and feeling more like a whole person in this moment. I'm well ware this feeling may pass as I discover something else that's null in my mind, or that's a struggle for me to handle and integrate into my sense of self. But right now? Woot!
In other news met a Muslimah today who gave me her local meetup card. I asked about her modest clothing and that got her excited and conversation started from there. She did think I was muslim, and I told her I'm sort of Jewish. But it was still a sweet five minutes. And she was all 'Black Jew? Seriously? Wow!' And I was all 'While I'm not, you don't know about the Ethopian Jews?' And she was all 'I need a geography class. I am out of touch.'. It was cute. There was lots of commiseration over the being put on the spot to answer every question ever, as if you represented the WHOLE of something. Along with the 'Muslims don't auto kill gay people? What?!' That had her eyes rolling in a way that made me think of Delux Vivens. In fact, I mentioned Delux's side eye and sharp laughter at people going '... black muslims?'
1. Someone left their teeth at the bus stop today.
2. Sat down with therapist, realized I have some, uhm, gender things, multiple things, to deal with. Mac Truck of DNW. So High.
3. Local Supermarket which closed? Did re-open under new management. Some new products. Still half empty.
4. Managed to get to bank for money mom owes me (she did not give me monies to cover the stuff I'm currently paying for now).
5. Actually looked up Mozy vs Carbonite before I left house.
6. Wanted to stay up. Want to stay up so bad. Haven't even eaten yet. But feel very, very crashy. (British Time again?)
Therapist just called me, to check-in and possibly postpone our appointment, because he checked the heat and thought 'oh Hellz no'.
Am currently exhuasted. Had a plan to ask my flist for tips on how to manage heat, but too much ugh to do that right now. I have pink sprakly Barbie child size glasses which fit my face and keep me from being blinded by sunlight. But too tired to say more. Resocvering from two trips downtown this week. Had to return some groceries, because I b ought a set of hamburgers that turned out to be nothing but beef lard pressed between wax paper in circle shape. Which sucks, because I could have used very easy cooking stuff since I am exhausted and very very sore.
Meanwhile my mother is driving my siblings to want to smack their heads into walls. I'm glad to be there for them, but it's not the most encouraging, y'know? Also? Seriously depressing to have reached this stage where they are describing the bits of hell I went through as a teen in the face of my mother's denial at the fact I was growing up.
Holding on to CJ Cherryh. Yay for interlibrary loan. Boo for no easy access ebooks. Yay for Cherryh having a donate page! Cause ahem, I might y'know, 'support the artist' ahem, ahrump, etc...
Right now once I'm caught up on Foreigner Series, will see if I can handle Alliance-Union universe. Especially since the univers premise is one I've dallied with myself in little short stories etc that have never seen the light of day.
Am currently craving chocolate like whoa. Am very hungry but so much damn ow. And I bought chicken to replace the beef fat, cause the burgers I did want were no longer on sale - more fool I (shouldn't have bought the cheaper). But maybe I'll be up to cooking a chicken leg, or baking it, or SOMETHING easy. Cause have I mentioned the pain? Serious ass pain. My body really can't handle two sets of me walking about downtown in this heat. Nuh uh. It complains. It complains most vigorously.
**facepalm** Started trying to find a pic of the glasses online. Remembred I have a camera and can take a pic later and upload it. Yeah, brain is SO not up to snuff right now, really. But am alive. And eye is almost completely healed, heaven's bless it.
Oh! And I found the book I thought the mean librarian had taken. It had fallen under a bookcase. Am rather glad I came home and looked despite being sure I knew what had happened to it.
Had therapy. Boggled in supermarket, wrestled (and won for the moment) against food issues and bought something to make to eat for dinner. Then came home, had a glas of milk (coconut) and promptly fell asleep on the couch after nibbling some tortillas to tide me over. Woke up, crawled into bed, and slept till 2am.
Now I'm all blinky eyed at the world,. feeling sore as all get out and pondering everything.
Therapy was SO mentally exhausting. And it ran over a little too, because despite getting here early, the receptionist spaced out and DID not notify my therapist I was there so we started 15 mins later. Said receptionist was supposed to apologise, never did - didn't even see them after session. Next week, I'm letting the therapist know what brand chocolate I prefer so receptionist can do their duty.
So exhausted. SO exhausted. Also need to talk to therapist and tell 'im to stick his nose in more often. Cause he's being really careful with me, which I appreciate. But it leaves me pulling most the weight.
Tractor trailer of dual issues I've been pulling today.
Well... I should seriously invest in a sound harmonizer/sound machine and set it to rain on my bad days. Though do they ever get the irregularity of rain just right? I've had a little program for my computer where it's pretty monotonous, touch of fake. Then again, it's not attempting rain on a tin roof.
And of course now I'm up; I'm in insane amounts of pain.
Rescheduled for tomorrow. Now to get through tonight.
Despite it all I did make it to best buy to look at the Kindle. And there I discovered a long haired hippie hipster(?) who, I was told by another male in a blue franchise shirt was THE MAN on ALL THIS STUFF. And yet, THE MAN, had no idea about the pearl e-ink and the ability to modify contrast darker text etc. THE MAN had no idea about the new webkit browser, turns out the display model doesn't let you use the browser (but menu access is right there under experimental). He'd never heard of it. THE MAN couldn't show me how to change the font or the way the screen represented, either long width or widewith. And honestly at that point, I was so shocked by how much he -didn't- know, I couldn't even remember how it'd been done in the videos I'd watched. Though I suspected it was under settings, which was blanked-greyed out on the display model.
Everytime I tried to qualify that I was looking at the Kinde 3, he started talking about the 3G and how 'Awesome' it was not to have to wait around for WiHi. At that point, I took pity on him, and let him 'show me' how to tell if the device was using wifi or 3g (even though the sign was right there big and obvious at the top of the screen). My attempts to get him to show me how to set up the wifi, check it, deal with possible passwords, fell on un-listening ears.
When I made a statement that I'd seen a Nook at B&N but it was so dark, he did show me a Nook right there, where the screen did seem brighter. When I asked if it was a newer Nook, perhaps using the newer e-ink. I got blank-face response. So then I asked 'Does the Nook lose contrast when the battery is low and needs charging?' And he once again did his speil about how you can't change contrast on e-ink, it's not an LCD monitor. It's like paper- yo. And AWESOME. But yeah, lots of things look dimmer when they need charging.
At which point I told him, I was just going to browse now. As a nudge for him to leave me the f--k alone.
What I did discover, that even with the silly anti-theft device attached, the Kindle 3 (which I recognized as the Kindle 3, due to the four piece tabbing square vs the Kindle 2's joystick) is amazingly light. It doesn't feel fragile, as a piece of equipment, and yet as something one is holding in one's hand that's supposed to have a particular amount of computing power it does feel little at least, if not fragile in a different way. There wasn't a white one for me to contrast, but I wondered if part of calling the dark one graphite had something to do with the texture as much as the colour.
Unfortunately THE MAN didn't know anything about the Graphite Kindle getting fade on the letters of the keyboard over time. When I tried to ask him how long the demo model had been out on the floor - he started talking about how the franchise has had this model for at least 7 months.
Oh yeah and he knew there was a bigger Kindle. But he'd never seen it, and had no idea what it was called.
Anyway, getting back to things I discovered for myself. The screen was crisp and clear and plenty large enough for reading comfortably and I would think, for reading recipies. The forward and back buttons were easy to use. And even though I know for myself, I'm the sort of person who has to live with something for a while - The concept of home, enter, up down, left right, menu, were things I picked up fairly quickly and the size of it didn't feel problematic for typing out words - but I didn't play with the keys too much.
I was very tired, having walked and walked and walked to get to the store, determined to accomplish all my goals cause today was so... ok, therapy was ok. But before therapy there was traffic and complications from hell. ( Some mucky mucky... )
It was full of end of year realisations, about myself, about healing, about what I can handle and why, about what hurts and what doesn't. Things that explain my reactions to lots and varied stimuli this year. Big stuff. Stuff I'm probably ready to handle now - if I take it a step at a time. I feel ravenous and mind blown and relieved...
Got up early, made myself head out of the house early. Figured I could do an errand before therapy and also take my time since I'm feeling so achy. Got to the therapy office with plenty of time to spare (seriously Rite Aid, wtf is up with your prices?).
Got told therapist wasn't in the office, wasn't in the building, wasn't in the area, wasn't in town.
Bought chocolate chip cookies.
The world is lucky I can't beat it silly with my mind. But oh can I imagine.
In other news: Am discovering I might perhaps be bored with my regular grocery list. I'm not quite sure what to do. When I have the energy, will perhaps see about wrangling with insurance so I can see a nutritionist - maybe they'll have ideas?
I absolutely forgot to write about how much I love Zvi.
I'm still recovering from therapy yesterday and making it out to the hospital to collect my medicine (it still needs time to build up in my system so I stop feeling quite so exhausted all the time). And well, tiredness and early morning - y hello there crampy times- will knock thoughts out of a gal's head.
BUT, yesterday when I was in the hospital cafeteria, I saw little cupcake pineapple upside down cakes. And I didn't buy one. Why? Because I immediately thought 'Zvi makes me pineapple upside down cake now for the holidays. And it's a special treat. And if I'm going to have it, I should only have it from Zvi'.
My love or loyalty, call it what you will, is so damn weird sometimes.
Anyway, Zvi. Love you muchly - as this little tale clearly shows.
Now to order take out for dinner, cause dumplings don't keep well in soup on a warmer all day (now I know) and owie is not conducive to cooking. And not eating is right out of the question.
I spent $10, on an alternative, foody self soothing, meal thingie. But the major part is the 1/2 hr I spent in the grocery store going 'round and 'round the aisles bargaining with myselves. At the end of it, I couldn't even remember why I'd apparently promised myself mac & cheese in the first place. But I definitely needed soothing at that point.
In better news, washed my hair last night! Yay! It only took 30 mins. More yay! I also trimmed it first. But once washed, the weight of it stretching it out while it dried means that basically I remember I trimmed it, but it's difficult to see lengthwise. I'm glad though. The length was getting annoying. And I found myself realizing that the whole point of my dreads is that they reflected a turning point for me. They're an off-shoot of self care. Which means the moment they're no longer making me happy, they're no longer a reminder of self-care, they're a reminder of unpleasant feelings. So, I got over the confusion and mild cultural OMG and trimmed off about 2.5-3 inches and feel much better now. Also, they're CLEAN! Yay!
Therapy is heavy duty and will be for a while - so I'm not quite comfortable talking about that. It involved yet another side-quest down the road entitled 'Mom'. Yeah... *sighs*. But I'm going to go enjoy the rest of my rainy Friday now by looking up DAO mods, and how to use the mod manager(s). And thus there might be babbling posts on things that don't make sense and the whee of modifying.
As I explained to my therapist today - you can't change a book. Once it's written, it's written. Sure you can do fanfiction to CHANGE IT. Or read fanfiction. But the book, remains the book. I'm excited that before I deal with possible fail in this game, I'm going to be able to modify it. How the heck cool is that?!! Very, I think. It's wonderful that I can keep on changing it, but I love the thought of not having to deal with the unrealistic bodies, the overly feminized armor (showing cleavage for Heaven's sake! How impractical is that!), the brooding thuggish looking official brown person, the lack of other brown people, the overly sexualized femme fatale (seriously I am SO happy to have found a modest version of Morrigan's outfit - you don't even KNOW!).
Heh, seems I've started the babbling here. But my point was before I begin to immerse myself in the world, I can make it more comfortable for me - vs with a book where hopefully a review will tell me of the painful, fail filled spots and then I get to decide whether the hurt outweighs the possible gains. I think I'm ok with spending $30 for dialogue and pretty cinematics - knowing I can have free modifications. And uhm, yeah, more money on extra memory (which I need anyway).
So I did investigate some DAO fanfic. And I'm currently pondering it. Obviously I cannot relate to it in the 100% way I might otherwise if I had played the game, far less played it through multiple times. And yet.... I have thoughts.
( Hey, the title says; Yet Even More DAO Thoughts )
Therapy was good. Really helpful today. Talking is good. Talking with help is even better.
In other news I have a sunburn. I need to find myself a hypoallergenic sunscreen and soon. It was like being a walking piece of bacon.
Now to go cool off and then eat something; didn't eat this morning my stomach was too much in knots as the landlady was moving out her furniture this morning (things for a new tenant are apparently moving really fast), and the noise freaked me out. I ended up calling her to let her know there's a possible problem with whomever the new tenants are, making noise on top of my head. Cause damn. It sucked extra too because there was noise yesterday for some kind of inspection - ALL DAY LONG. And there was noise on Sunday. And now there'll be noise on Friday I believe.
I got set homework at therapy today. Luckily it was something I was already thinking about - up to hemming and hawwing yesterday in fact. Right now I'm still hemming and hawing. I like the no icons, saved drafts setup of Blogger. But I miss community comments. However I loathe Discus and Intense Debate is apparently buggy and both of those are basically bringing the community idea of Danga and DW to Blogger, WP, etc...
My therapist thinks I should try actively writing non-fiction about the things that have been frustrating me. He thinks book. I think.... I have problems seeing myself as a non-fiction writer, far less one who's writing about stuff wherein my expertise is as a reader only. So I'm thinking a journal about why I'm so arrauuugh to write recently. The little things that needle me specifically.
But where oh where shall I write it?
Note: Media Player has been found. Things had been put ontop of it. And I didn't realize when I looked at them, that something was underneath them.
1 - McDonald's medium fries, is simply small fries in a medium (cardboard) container. I should have saved my money. At least now, however, certain little aspects have learned their lesson. They will pout now at how that could have been some more apple pies.
2 - Had a good therapy session. But made it out of the house despite the rain by promising myself a treat. Decided against it when I was don =- didn't want to sit in a restaurant, didn't really want take out but I can't go back on a promise, thus the McD's for the Apple Pies of MSG Sin.
3 - Saw a Kabob place while on the bus - but wasn't up to jumping off in the hopes I'd like it. But then ended up craving salmon kabob w/ rice; which I'm unlikely to find anytime soon *sigh*
4. Am much, much calmer.
5. Apparently the whole world of things not cooked in my kitechen (excluding salad) is a world of SALT, Table Salt.
PS: On Wiscon..."; DeepaD is snark & love.
So it's reached the point wherein my therapist (TNG aka Dr.Yoda - and huh, I only just realized The New Guy is also The Next Generation / TNG. Hee) has to remind me to use my journal to deal with current mental health difficulties. That journaling could help.
And then I stopped and realized my journal is adding to my anxiety (the new flavour in my Mental Health. I've moved from Blue Depression to Orange-Red Anxiety).
And I stopped because iJay feels less and less stable with all the sales (dear squeaky iJay needs hands-on-deck- to deal with spammers & fixes, not new servers to take up the slack every couple of months) and DW doesn't let me save comments using LJ-Archive and yeah, figuring out what's wrong with my account (having transferred over my LJ entries) isn't a priority because it relates to a third-party device.
Yeah, I'm going to be bitter about that for a long, long, long, time. I can like Denise and still positively despise how journaling as a therapuetic tool and thus needing archiving isn't a priority to her unless she and hers create the archiving tool.
Of course it means having conflict over posting and hesitance over where is safe to post and get into dialogue to work through issues with a support network etc, has meant I just haven't been posting my thoughts freely the way I used to. Heck I haven't even been commenting the way I used to, because it means interacting on a site wherein I tend to feel like crap that my own words aren't stored there.
And everytime someone friends/adds me over there, there's another wave of ugh - cause they can't read my past history - I had to shut off comments completely so I wouldn't lose conversation. They can't read current history because I dont' post there. They're just basically trying to say they'd LIKE to read me - but they won't, because it's troublesome to click an post on another site. And it doesn't help that iJay has problems with openID (it doesn't notify openID comments have been posted and it doesn't notify OpenID accounts that they have replies - so much for email verification).
The point of this wasn't to complain about the crappy situation. But to admit the crappy situation has stopped up my writing. There's all sorts of emotion and emotional baggage and tension etc when I got to journal my thoughts now.
So what's the solution? Give up my name and history on DW and try for another journal? Asking, maybe, that my comm be turned back into a singular journal? Except, that I deleted all but specific journal entries I'd wanted to save, so would I have to make a request to clean out the entire journal? In which case it wouldn't matter to have it saved on LJ-Archivel. I'm getting cramps in the stomach just thinking about wiping out my history like that.
Yeah, the solution might just be to find another journaling site. Except I loathe blogger for personal things and interaction. And I went through it all before - the hunt, the search. I could turn back on specific entries on LJ and keep the history there, and let them make whatever money they can off my words - which... is another set of stomach intense sensations.
|08:30AM | Sun, October 5th | 2008
|Therapeutic & Writing Related Thought Of The Day
|therapy / therapy day|
I'm good with structure; within structure I can be amazingly creative and innovative. This is news. Big news. But I've realized that for so much of my life my mother dictated everything; what I wore, my weight, my height (don't ask), how dark my skin got (or didn't get), how I did my hair, what I ate, where I went, when I studied, what I studied, how I studied - and the list goes on.
No wonder I did my best to rebel whenever I could; not against her but against what she stood for - guidelines, rules, containment, structure.
She was stifling, not structure in and of itself.
So as I do this learning from scratch and practice in novel writing, I'm going to find ways to embrace structure. When I look back on it, my writing blooms with structure from the littlest thing like including words and phrases in a short story fic, to a direct plot, etc. I'm good with structure. This is such a huge surprise.
It's almost as big a surprise as realizing that I actually like a tidy house. I don't like chaos. It upsets me. And I dislike chaos so much that I'm being methodical about figuring out where I want things before they get an official place. I probably need a new structure for that (unpacking) :) Nah, I realize I'm doing this based on my energy levels and mental reserves.
But structure - wow.
I think I know now why this weekend has been particularly hard. My therapist (the new guy might be the new guy forever) introduced structure in my life without intimidating me. I think as much as I'm mourning the loss of her, I'm mourning the loss of the structure she helped reinforce in my life. And I'm just so tremendously grateful she imparted enough of it that I have now built and maintain a good portion on my own, so that a part of her influence can never, ever, leave me.
Oh this turned out heavier than I thought.
Can't think right now, this was my last session with my therapist of 8 yrs. Also have headache from crying - ugh.
However: My Little Pony Cthullhu - I wants one! Actually if I could get one of Cthullu and one of Illyria (in a nice blue) I'd put them up above my computer as Cosmics Lords of The Internets.
To all who answered / replied my rambling thoughts on the process of writing combined with my weirdo brain - thank you. I'll either post something in general to each of you when I'm less tired or respond to comments. I'm not sure which it'll be yet. However, I did try and cover this in therapy and it brought up some things - plus some possible solutions that may help. And I was told my solution wouldn't be detrimental to my psyche. So there's a plus.
I also picked up a book from the library today that's sort of doing one of the things I want to do and so I've realized that at least part of my dissatisfaction wasn't 'confused brain' but 'critical/judgemental writer' who realizes I wasn't doing what I actually wanted to be doing and continuing down that course from the start would send the whole thing wrong.
Tired now but I'll give a hazy random example. It's the difference between:
Once upon a time in a land far far away in a Kingdom where icicles were red like strawberry and tasted of candy...
Ice red as blood. The brave say they taste like strawberries. Blood of ancient gods preserved forever made sweet by ambrosia. Yeah, this is a place far away from anything most of you have ever known.
I definitely don't want Sin City Disney
. Or a lot of information dumping. Part of me recognized that and was unhappy.
Note to self: Need to Icon "Deadly Little Jasmine"
Pain currently at a 5.5 inching towards 6.
It's not exactly a positive but its return as actually clarified some things for me.
1. I am dealing with anxiety (I hold my body different when I'm anxious and I also tend to rock. It's more noticeable with pain)
- 1.b) I know I am anxious when I can't even read the continuation of a fic, by a fanwriter I like, because it's reading the 'unknown' and not knowing what could happen makes me want to curl up into a little ball and weep while an invisible crab piercing my flesh and perforates my lung organs while chewing my heart.
2. When I wasn't feeling pain my body was catching up on sleep. But I got so worried about my schedule being backwards that I didn't think of just switching when I took the pills and maybe adding a little caffeine to stretch out until a more regular bedtime.
3. Part of my anxiety is no doubt the therapist switch.
- 3.b) This anxiety is probably also why I'm soothing myself with research and organization and can't handle anything remotely social.
I'm going to try and discuss all of this in therapy today, then come home and crash - no matter what the hour is.
Therapist is still sick fo my session got postponed again. I owe the library books but I've not made it out of the house so far. Not having to get up and get to therapy - I let myself rest.
Put another load in the laundry (well, I'm re-washing a load I forgot). Manged to organize the laundry room a little bit. Tiny steps, I guess.
And now I've cleaned cat sick. Really, I feel done.
*sighs* Still have hair and groceries to do but I'm not going to break myself trying to accomplish them. I felt better for the extra rest and my bones are aching - which tells me something is going on weather wise.
Just cancelled therapy and I'm resentful because I don't have that much time left with my therapist. But I'm headachy, dizzy and nauseated and just got a nose bleed.
I wish the day could just start over. Did I get out of bed too fast? Was there something I could have done last night? My therapist thinks I might not be drinking enough water.
Eff damn. The downside of having an a/c?
Therapy was.... I'll get into that later.
- Went to the library to pick up some books on hold. Went hunting for a hold that got lost. Librarian brought up all sorts of things from 'downstairs in the stacks'. Went absolutely gaga for a non related book on Japanese architecture that weighed 3 lbs and was as big as a child. Bought a paperbag to carry said book (and others) home. Bag busted. Went to buy proper errand bag - couldn't find what I wanted. Until nice little old lady said "Well dearie, there is a cheaper version upstairs." Bought $6 bag. Liked $6 bag. Liked it so much I stopped at grocery store for rice and a quick meaty something for dinner tonight. Haven't eaten since 3am or something. Got on bus with bag. Began to think bag was busted somehow, thought it was just my mind. Found out there's a busy that CAN drop me off at the top of the ginormous hill - it takes an extra 15 mins though. Got off bus, realized $6 bag was busted. Wheels are BUSTED. Bag portion is fine. This so sucks. Best thing about $6 bag was how it could fold up flat and be the size of a paperback that I could put in my regular bag and thus carry it with me all the time. Now tis busted. One wheel axle broken. So. SO pissed and sad. Though at least it only cost me $6. I pout and am weepy for $6 bag. It was blue. A bright electric sunset blue - my favourite colour (witness my winter coat and the highlights of Brigid my Jansport and my umbrella).
- Meanwhile observed prices in grocery store. Two of them actually. Rice has gone up like a fricking dollar a pound. WTF? All sorts of things have gone up in the past two to three weeks. I found myself going 'for real?'. Suddenly the prices at former grocery store no longer seem spontaneously ridiculous. They're actually still LOW, once one accounts for the price increase everywhere. EVERYWHERE.
Could someone explain to me again why the electric car and the hydro cars are BAD but the car that eats food for fuel is good? For people other than farmers, I mean? I knew there were food riots in other parts of the world and I shook my head and winced. But it's just hit me how ridiculous prices must have gotten in those other parts of the world and how buffered the US currently is - though not for long.
Dear John McCain, you live for a week on my income and then talk to me again about 'psychological recessions'.
- Therapy was... intense. I'm going to be mourning my therapist all summer long, I think. Right now I'm hating that I suddenly have to coalest goals so the new person, whomever they may be, will know what I want to work on. I think I'm liable to dislike the new person on principle of being new and not knowing a damn thing about me. My -file- isn't really -me-. Anyway, there's a whole lot of gratitude tied up in my grief. I've come far and I wouldn't have without her.
|05:40PM | Wed, June 25th | 2008
|Dear Life, why must you give and take away almost immediately?
| not happy|
|therapy / therapy day|
My father who I haven't seen in 14 yrs, found me and contacted me on Monday. Today my therapist of almost 9 yrs told me of a promotion she's recieved which means she'll no longer be able to keep up clinical practice. The promotion and finalization aren't likely to happen until early fall. Still I feel like I gained a notch in my support network and lost a notch all at once.
More on both later when I'm not so dismally, depressingly tired and a little upset.
I am seriously going through some "G'damn white women' right now. If I know you, obviously you're not some anonymous, self labeling as feminist, can't see reality for the slap upside the face, white woman.
But other than that?
I am having some issues of aggressive rage and discontent. I thought I was over my rage and discontent. Unfortunately circumstances have arrived that had me facing and realizing the "on display" nature of several accomplished PoC actors. And I am deeply wanting to lash out because of how violating it feels.
Yes, the actors chose their roles. But it is the realization of the limits of those roles and of the strictures that bound those roles, of the role within the role that has my blood heated. And given how much I happened to respect two characters and their actors in particular this is just hitting extremely hard. It's as if I'm having a 15 year delay in the rage I should have had when hearing about slave inspections in my Rite of Passage Program.
I will be hunting for a way to appease this anger and if I can't find one - then everything for next Wed will get bumped in therapy so a professional can help me.
Note: This anger is also being fed by some stupid ass women wallowing in transphobia and also trying to tell transpeople who they are and how they feel because she's a feminist therefore SHE knows. With a dollop of MtF aren't real women and FtM aren't real men.
I cringed when folk came into my journal and gave yonmei a hard time over her views on the prospective LJ representative board member. It was awkward. Then I discover that the chosen representative has since flocked her journal and I haven't heard that she's opened/created a new journal distinctly for interacting with lj users.
This is not a 'I hate LJ Post'. This is more of a gee fuck post.
It's always so odd when people have a disagreement in your post. A disagreement, as in opposing views vs when someone is being bungfuck nuts and the rest of your flist is all 'Oh no you didn't think you'd do that without a foot up your arse!'
I'm never quite sure what to do, usually I let it play itself out as long as both(or more) people are being respectful. Which is what I did this time. If anyone has suggestions on what else to do, I'm all ears.
Another thought I want to discuss, however, is how journaling systems can be so important they can aggravate friendships and online interactions. I realized recently that a certain comment cemented my turn off a particular individual which has lead to me feeling 'fuck you' to a project they're undertaking. And I'm not sure if I'd be all 'Hurrah!' for the project if the person hadn't turned me off.
And I've been having to remind myself that liking someone is an individual thing. As much as I can't fathom what people who do like me see in me. I'm not sure I could explain fully why I don't like another person - why they're off to me. I might be able to point to something they said that rubbed me completely wrong. But how much of that (especially online) is presentation and how much of that is what they actually said?
Moreover, I'm discovering my personality is such that it's pissing me off to realize this person associates with individuals I really care about. It's aggravating and upsetting and feels oddly childish and yet I know these feelings are real and I know I'm forming associations, unconscious or un thought through. So I'm not sure what I'm labeling childish - my approach to the situation? How unfair I think it is? The sensation of feeling caught? Is there some kind of feeling od disloyalty? Some 'how could they?' ?
I have no idea. It's irksome. I wish I'd remembered it to discuss in therapy - but currently the move is eating up a lot of my therapy sessions.
But journaling systems; the personal, the public, the sense of community, the fine line between being a content provider and a company asset while being a private individual. If LJ did anything in 2007 it was to alert me to how I see and use the web. I don't do message boards. I haven't followed elists in a while. I get my news and current events and activist inspiration from journals and blogs. And journals in particular feel like more to me than a 'mere personal webpage'. And yeah, I said mere. Somehow that feels lesser to me, static. There's something about a journal someone updates at least 3times a week that makes it somehow them. And I still haven't come to any conclusions about what it means when that gets combined with business.